Why Transition? And Why HRT Is Not Magic.

For me it was never because I was miserable with who I was.  As I've commented in various threads at Susan's Place, Reddit, etc., I've always maintained it was as simple as I felt I was female and that I'd be happier living that way and I stand behind that even now 19 months into the process.  Perhaps I shouldn't even use the phrase "into the process" as truthfully back in October when I went to court to get my name and gender changed (although the gender change wasn't finalized until early November); I truly felt I had completed my transition.  Am I still working on my facial hair (and eventually my body hair)?  Yes I am.  Do I still want surgery?  Well even though I've had the Orchiectomy, I still want GRS and possibly BA, so yes.  Am I still learning on how to better present female, be it hair, makeup, mannerisms, and the like?  Yes, of course I am - those things are ongoing for cis-women, so why shouldn't they be for me too?

But I was never miserable with myself or my life.  As I've mentioned elsewhere, we're by no means well off.  We live what I'd call a middle class lifestyle.  We have our fair share of tangible things, but there are things we'd still like.  But even if I had none of those things, I'd be happy because I have a wonderfully caring wife in J; a daughter, who while she frustrates me at times, is loving and caring and who I wouldn't trade for anything.  Even my ex-wife M, my friend D, and others help make my life something that I'm happy and content with.

So as usual here we are at paragraph three and I'm just now hitting my point.  And that point is that I see so many people - often younger people - who make statements along the lines of if they can't transition they're going to end their life and/or things like that.  Maybe my perspective is different because of my age, I'm not sure; but I just don't understand that mentality.  They're so miserable that they're willing to do something like take their own life, but yet they feel they can dive right into transition and it's going to just make everything better?  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm naive, but transition is hard at best.  Yes, some make it look easy, but even for them it's not.  People want to use terms like "Gatekeepers" and such and yes I'm sure there is some of that going on; but just because there is an established process in place that may not go as fast as you'd like, well that doesn't make it wrong.

I'm not going to sit here and say I agree with 100% of the WPATH guidelines as I don't.  That being said, I've made every effort to follow them including getting authorization for my Orchiectomy even though Dr. Arnkoff doesn't require it.  I do believe that the WPATH process is a good thing in general.  Are there things I think could/should be different?  Of course I do.  Do I think there are cases where it does more harm than good?  Again I do.  But do I think that the majority of the time that there is benefit to it?  Most definitely.

I've never been a big fan of therapy, I won't lie about that.  I can't say if it was the times I was raised in (born in 1970), or if it was simply how I was raised - I did spend a lot of time with my grandparents when I was young; but I was brought up to believe that you handled your own problems and that therapy was more or less an excuse to not do so.  That being said, because of WPATH, I sought out therapy when I started the process and even though perhaps a year ago I got the impression that my therapist felt I didn't necessarily need to continue to see her; I do continue.  Granted, it's far less often than it was before, but I think checking in every so often is still a good thing.

That brings me to HRT.  Am I glad I'm on it?  By all means.  Have I seen the progress that some have?  Not even close.  Yes I've seen some progress, I have some breast growth, my skin is softer, and so on; but it hasn't done for me what it does for some.  However, even if it had - it's not some magic thing that will suddenly make you feel better.  HRT can make all the changes in the world, but if you don't work on your appearance, your voice, your mannerisms, etc., you still won't pass any better than you did pre-HRT.  And from a mental perspective you may feel better in that you're actually pursuing transition which may make you feel better mentally and possibly emotionally I suppose.  But again if you are making statements to the effect that if I can't get on HRT NOW I might end my life - well then I question if you really belong on HRT in the first place.  If you're in that kind of mental state, I just don't know that bringing hormones to the party is the right thing to do.  It especially bothers me when very young people make those kinds of statements - yes I understand that the younger you start the more changes you MAY see.  But I've seen plenty of older people who have done just fine.  I like to think my transition is going well and I'm in my 40's.  The one lady I mention a lot - Serena - she's about 30 and her changes are breathtaking.  If you doubt either of those feel free to check out the comparison of me at the start of my transition to now or go look at Serena's youtube channel - specifically her videos showing her progress at say 12 months or 18 months.  I've included links below as well as one to a more full timeline - it shows more gradual changes to me:

Comparison:  Comparison At 16 Months

Full Timeline:  Full Timeline

Serena Lynn:  15 Months Of Transition

(Note:  Apparently at some point, Serena Lynn has taken her videos private.  I'm sure she has her reasons and hopefully it was simply a personal choice and not because of any harassment or anything.  Regardless of that I am leaving the link for now, perhaps one day she'll make it public again - it was a great video for anyone who is transitioning and looking for some inspiration of what is possible).

I don't look anywhere as nice as she does; but yet I'm still happy - and I really think almost anyone transitioning MtF would be happy to look as nice or be as happy as Serena is.

Maybe I'm overly simplifying things, or maybe I'm just not getting something.  I just think that too many people, especially young people, think that transitioning is going to suddenly make them happy and/or be the answer/solution to all their questions/problems; and I think that's probably not the case for most, if not all of us.  There's a lot of work involved.  Oftentimes a trail of lost relationships and friendships come with it.  There can be hardships with employment and being accepted in public.  Basically lots and lots of things that can and often (usually?) do make transition hard - sometimes harder than possibly not transitioning.

Am I saying people shouldn't do it?  NO, I am not.  I am simply saying that I wish more people pursued it with their eye's wide open and educated themselves as best they could rather than seeing it as a "grass is always greener" thing like it appears many do.  If you are going to pursue it, set yourself up for success as best you can and try and be sure you are strong enough to handle what comes with it.  Otherwise as unhappy as you might think you are, or might even be; it may well pale in comparison to how unhappy you might become.

If anyone finds this offensive, I'd be more than happy do discuss it in the comments or even privately via email, etc., but it's definitely how I feel about it.

- M