For all the good qualities I may or may not possess, and for all of the nice things I try to do, I have one major defect that stands above all others. I play to win. It doesn't matter if it's a game, if it's a debate about anything - important or trivial, be it work, or be it in a relationship. I'm not really sure why I am that way; I'd imagine that if Kelly (my therapist for those that haven't followed the blog) and I were to start talking about it, we'd span multiple sessions and a great many reasons would come to light. Off of the top of my head, perhaps it was how I grew up. I did start school young - as a frame of reference when my senior year started I was still only 16 years old. I was the oldest of my siblings and perhaps I felt the need to "stand out". Maybe I was seeking acceptance from parents, grandparents, school peers, etc. Maybe it's just who I am, but that really doesn't matter.
While professional athletes are celebrated for this "ability", and I guess I understand that with all the money and power that comes with it; it's not such a good thing in day to day life. I've seen friendships strained and/or lost over it; it's hurtful to those you love; and these don't just apply to me - I've seen others do it to, and it's often easier to back seat drive how/what they do than when it's yourself. This isn't some recent revelation for me or anything, I've known it was an issue for a long time, but I tried to justify it to myself under various guises such as being the faster cashier in the store, or the best support person, and so on. Despite my "justifications" though, it's never helped with the toll it's taken on those around me. I'm sure I've lost friendships and alienated family over it; I've hurt feelings over it; and so on.
The absolute worst of it all has always been during arguments specifically with M and J. I seem to have a knack for being able to be able to slice somebody to nothing with just a few words and it seems that I always have those words right on the tip of my tongue. These are people I love (J), people I have loved (M), people I care about (both of them among others); and yet I can stand there and be so utterly hateful and hurtful. It's not that I want to do it, I hurt for long periods after it happens, but I still do it anyway. I just can't seem to save myself from myself. I've managed to learn to not yell anymore; but I think in some ways it's worse when I'm speaking in normal tones and it comes across as my true feelings when in fact it's not. I'm simply saying whatever it takes to win, usually at the expense of someone else's feelings. I want to stop, and I'm trying to stop, but it just keeps happening. Truthfully I'm shocked that M is still a friend and I'm shocked that J still loves me after some of the things that I've said. They things that get said in the heat of anger always seem to be the things that will hurt them the most and I hate myself for it.
This is the root of the majority of my self-loathing and it's gotten to the point that I'm not even sure that if I were to be able to finally put a stop to it if I will ever get over all of the things I've said. No matter how nice I try to be, those words once spoken never truly get forgotten - and even if they did forget them I don't/won't. Is there EVER an argument about ANYTHING that is so important to "win" that it needs to come to this? That's a rhetorical question at least for me as the answer is NO - a thousand times over; yet I continue to do it. At this point I'm at a loss as I can't seem to fix the problem and I'm so tired of being hurtful to them. And even if I can fix the problem, I'm not sure I can undo all the damage that's been done over the years which just makes me fell all that much worse. Not that I don't deserve to feel that way - I do.
I guess I should wrap this up now - this marks 30 posts this month (not bad for 27 days) and 60 total which means I've done as many this month as I did in October, November, December, and January combined. Not sure if that's a good thing or not, but I need something positive to think about at the moment so I'll go with that. Thanks.
- M
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