Just before our little trip to Michigan, J ordered me a couple of things and while she told me she had, she intentionally neglected to tell me what she had ordered. "Mistress privilege" I suppose. :)
Well both packages showed up just before she left. The one she kept as a "surprise" until we got up there and I'll cover that in a subsequent post at some point. The other she did "share" with me. It's the book "The Total Woman" by Marabel Morgan. She told me she was going to read through it prior to giving it to me and highlight some things for me to pay special attention to. I wasn't quite sure what to think, so I let it be.
Well during our little trip I obviously did a lot more sleeping than she did - at least after the surgery - and oftentimes I would doze off for a hour or two here and there and the doting wife that she is I'd wake up to either her napping next to me, or lying awake next to me reading the book and "petting" me for lack of a better term. True to her word if she was reading the book she usually had a highlighter in hand.
Fast forward to yesterday, her first day back at work. One of the items on my "To Do List" was to spend at least 30 minutes reading the book and to send her an email about what I had read. I've been in a bit more discomfort the last couple of days than earlier in the week so I napped quite a bit, but later in the day yesterday I decided to lie down - right now lying down is pretty comfortable, sitting is okay, and standing/walking hurts pretty good. I grabbed the book, as I thought I could both pass some time and check an item off of my list since I wasn't making good progress due to my naps.
Let me first say that I immerse myself in whatever I'm reading and I read exceptionally fast, I always have. Literally I get so involved that I'll completely miss things such as pictures in a book (not that this one has any), and I've found that similar to a movie where if you watch it a few more times you'll see things you missed in earlier viewings, well oftentimes I miss specific points/concepts when I read, so I tend to read books twice (sometimes more if it's one I really like), so these impressions/opinions are based off of what I'd call a cursory reading at this point.
Well I spent maybe 45 minutes and got about 60% of the way through the book last night. My first thought was that this book is a modern feminists nightmare. At it's core it seems to encourage women to become "June Cleaver" for lack of a better example. Now I suppose that should not surprise me based upon it's publication date, but I question if the book would even get published in today's society much less be a best seller. I'm sure a Google search of the book will turn up reviews far better than what I could do justice to so I won't try, but I will say it definitely slants towards what I'd call being a submissive wife.
At first I sort of laughed at that as I almost took it as a joke due to J and I's "arrangement"; but the longer I read the more I realized that it was not a joke and she meant it as a serious exercise for me. Obviously it was not written with D/S in mind, but as I said above it is really easy to see it in that context. Certain things she had highlighted surprised me, an example of that would be various pieces about how to greet your "husband" when he came home at night.
Now that may sound a bit weird, but let me give it some context. She's a cis-woman (I still have trouble buying into the term "cis", as per my earlier blog post, but whatever) and I'm a trans-woman and we are married and live as such. So in reality I suppose that makes us Lesbians and while there is not truly a "husband" anymore per se, J does handle more of what I'd say are traditional male/husband things and I tend to gravitate more towards the girly/wife things. Not that she can't cook, etc., but I like to believe I'm better at it, just like I'm sure I could cut the lawn - in fact I have - but she tends to take care of those things.
The one biggest thing I've struggled with since my transition started - no that's not right, since well before my transition started - is my presentation. I've preferred to present female for a LONG time, well before I actually pursued transitioning. I've had a decent sized feminine wardrobe for 20+ years; but it never went much further than that. I don't have enough of my own hair to grow out and a balding look is not conducive to looking attractive as a female. Now that statement would be easy to take the wrong way; but as I would hope many trans-women could relate to, things like that make it hard to look in the mirror and see a "woman". So add that to the fact that I have a large amount of facial and body hair (ironically cruel considering my balding head) and it was hard for me to present in front of people - be it J or even M back in the day, so it was mostly when I was alone. Maybe some lingerie under my clothes at times, but that would be about it. It wasn't that I didn't want to present as female in front them, especially J since she was so supportive, but I always felt I looked like a bad cross-dresser and not a woman.
Since my actual transition started, I have learned a lot about makeup - I had played with it before, partially on my own and partially with M's help *AFTER* we had divorced and had reconciled as best friends. But it was usually simple things such as lipstick, eye shadow, and mascara. I dabbled with eye liner and was actually pretty good with it at one point - I prefer liquid for the look, but it's harder (at least for me) to deal with and my hands aren't the steadiest so it was an ongoing challenge. But I had never gotten into things such as foundation, concealer, etc., and without those it wasn't a lot of help as there was the beard shadow and such to deal with. Since the transition I have learned a lot about those things, the majority from M, but also from J, and even from my makeover and subsequent visits to Sephora and watching Youtube for that matter. As a side note, M watches a lot of Youtube and passes things along. Oftentimes they're more advanced or simply styles that I don't feel are becoming on someone my age, but there are ones that I've found helpful. Some of the best ones are the drag queen videos as they have similar concerns as me when it comes to beard shadow and the like.
As I said, I've learned more about makeup and can now do my own - and in fact often to my own - at least around the house. Now if I'm going out somewhere nice such as to J's parents over the holidays I like help - at least either J or M to "supervise" and/or "look me over" so to speak; but otherwise I'm fine on my own. In fact I think my biggest obstacle with it is a lack of confidence that I've done a nice job. I know I can and I'd venture to say there have been times when it was likely better than some of the times that M or J have done it, but I tend to be more confident when one of them has done it or at least "supervised" me doing it. My hair, it's the same thing, I'm not overly confident with doing it myself, but I can. The point here is that I'm fully capable of being dressed and "done up" for when J gets home. Well when I read that section of the book, she had highlighted parts of that, so when she got home I asked her about it. She confirmed that she would like to see me at the door (which other than the last few days post-surgery) I always am and that it would nice to see me looking nice. I sort of giggled internally as I thought "well I'll show her" and do something obnoxious, but the longer I thought about it, the more I realized that perhaps I *should* be meeting her at the door. I should be making that sort of effort for her.
Suffice it to say once I'm feeling a little better - and today IS NOT that day - I plan on trying this a few times and seeing how it goes. She deserves the effort and truthfully I think I'd feel good giving that effort. I love her, I should do those little things to show it. In fact I can't really wait to finish that book up now and see what else in there and what else she's highlighted. Sorry to all the Feminists - but I have a wife/husband to take care of and I'm going to do just that, whatever it takes.
- M
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