As always I cannot speak for every trans-woman, or for that matter any trans-woman other than myself. That being said, I do think that I'm far from the only trans-woman who was interested in what changes might/would occur with my breasts once I started HRT.
It's not like I obsessed and spent hours on end researching HRT and breast growth, but I did spent a little bit of time poking around. What I seemed to find was that basically it's probably not a whole lot different for a trans-woman than a cis-woman - nobody really knows how breasts will turn out; which I suppose should not have been a surprise. There are plenty of "theories" out there such as "you'll turn out one size smaller than the '(cis)-women' in your family" or "the earlier you start HRT the more growth you'll have" and so on, but personally I didn't really find anything definitive on the subject.
Now, I will say even though I didn't spend a whole lot of time on the subject, that's not to imply that I didn't have a fairly significant interest in the subject. Part of that was simply vanity I suppose as at least for me breasts are a definite visual cue when I conjure up an image of a woman in my mind. But the bigger part for me is that my breasts, especially my nipples, have always been a major erogenous zone for me. With minimal effort, extreme arousal could be obtained via my nipples - and on occasions orgasm could be achieved with nothing more than nipple stimulation.
Right after my divorce from M was finalized, I went and had my nipples pierced (ironically enough M took me). It was an interesting experience as the first nipple went quickly and truthfully didn't hurt. The second one on the other hand was very painful, in fact I said more than a few choice words and in hindsight if the first one had hurt that bad I would not have done the second one. This only served to make them more sensitive, in fact there is nothing quite like having your toddler niece grab/squeeze newly pierced nipples. As to why I did it, it was a lot of things. Part of it was that I always wanted them pierced since I really wasn't in a position to have my ears pierced. Part of it was that I had always been the kind of person with short hair, no piercings, no tattoos, and so on, and this was a chance to sort of "revolt" against that person. Part of it was sort of to mark the end of M and I's marriage - maybe that's silly, but it seemed like the thing to do at the time. And I won't lie, part of it was that by then I knew how much I enjoyed the sensations my nipples/breasts provided and I believe this would amplify that (and it did to an extent). Overall, I was happy with the piercings and they provided some entertainment over time when my family found out, and even more when some co-workers found out. I had a one infection over the years but that was quickly cleared up. In fact the only regret I had is that I kept the original captive bead rings for the first 9+ years, including the first several months of HRT - but let me get back on track now.
When I first started HRT, I had very low expectations of what it could/would do for me especially when it came to breast growth. It was apparently a good thing I did as early on I saw no noticeable changes with my breasts. I didn't even seem to get the typical tenderness that most trans-women seem to report. Again, I won't lie, even though my expectations were low I was frustrated as I read so many accounts of other trans-women - including some my age or older - that were reporting significant growth - in some cases C/D/bigger. Now thinking about that now, I suspect some of that was not reality - perhaps in some cases it was people simply wanting to believe they had more growth than they did, in some cases it may have been as simple as them over-estimating what size they really were. I'm not trying to say that lots of trans-women haven't seen a lot more growth than I did, I'm sure they did, I'm simply saying that perhaps at least some accounts are overblown.
It got to the point that it did start to bother me enough that I got a pair (actually two) of silicon breast forms. Up until then I had been using a pair of the "add a cup" silicon inserts - the ones that everybody seems to call "chicken cutlets", along with padded bras. The forms themselves - Dreamform forms - one size 10 and one size 9 - gave me a nice sized set of breasts. Looking back, more than I needed/wanted as it's hard to be my age (43 at the time) to suddenly have basically "d cups" after not having anything all my life. Simple things like eating out became more of a challenge as now I had an extra few inches between myself and the table, and it seemed like they were attracting glances and at the time I was really trying to avoid any attention.
Things started to change when my Estradiol dosage went up to 4mg/day. I still really didn't notice much of anything, but one day M said something about them. I still at the time had a bad habit of wearing just shorts around the house without a shirt on. Her comment was along the lines that perhaps I should consider wearing a top or at least a bra now that I had "boobs". I sort of blew her off, but a few days later I was getting dressed and went to get a bra and my forms when J said something about the growth. It wasn't a huge amount, but when we went into the bathroom and looked at my profile in the mirror there was some there. Perhaps a nice "a cup" worth. Definitely not something to write home about, but there was enough that was noticeable.
Since that time I've grown some more including my nipples. It got to the point that the aforementioned captive bead rings became an issue so I finally swapped them out for a set of barbells. A few months after that I had to get a longer set of barbells. I was agitated at first that I had to pay for another set of barbells, but as J pointed it that was a visible indication that I was still growing so I decided it was a small price to pay for my piece of mind. By now I had lost about 40lbs or so and could fit into a band size of 42 comfortably and you can far more easily find 42B bras than 46a/b or 48a/b bras. By now I would say I was probably a "small b cup" and with the cutlets I was easily a full B, maybe a small "c" with the right bra. Now as large as I still am, they still looked smallish on me, but the forms were now definitely too big so I decided to err on the small size and retired the forms.
I also gave some thought to the fact that I really hadn't noticed any tenderness along the way. I think that perhaps it had to do with the piercings. I think that perhaps they were probably at least a little tender, but I simply ignored it as I was used to tenderness from having had the piercings and I also had learned over the years to be careful with my breasts due to those piercings. But regardless of that, they had grown some and that made me happy. Even if they hadn't, I'd still be happy as my transition has went far better than I expected, but having some tangible growth definitely added to that happiness.
The other thing I started giving though to was getting rid of my "nipple jewelry". The downside of having barbells versus the rings is that the rings were easy to rotate side to side to clean, but the barbells really had to be removed and I'm too squeamish to do that myself. The other issue I've ran into is that I'd lost two of the balls of off the end of the barbells. The first time we found it, the second time we didn't and had to go buy a replacement. Not to mention that the reasons I had gotten the piercings in the first place no longer really mattered to me. I'm happily married to J now, I have my ears double pierced, and so on. Not to mention that unlike the rings, the barbells seem to catch on things all the time such as my bath/shower poof, my clothes on occasion, and so on.
Well, my recent hospital stay finally made the decision for me. My right nipple was very sore to start with, I had gotten a little bit of an infection from the barbell anyway so it was tender, but that wasn't the issue as that was getting better. The issue was when they took me down for my echocardiogram. At one point the technician performing it managed to get something (his lab coat maybe?) caught on the barbell and trying to get loose from me pulled it really good. It made things sore enough that later on that day when J was visiting I had her remove it and we simply never put it back in. Over the last couple of months the piercing seems to have closed up and I guess I'll let it be. At some point I suppose that I should go ahead and have J remove the left one to so I "match".
As things sit today, I probably have what would be considered a "regular b cup". I'm not sure if I'll see anymore growth, but I can live with that. I'm not sure how my further weight loss will impact things as so far I'm down 45-50lbs (depending upon the day) and I've gotten the growth I've gotten. Perhaps when/if - well when - I refuse to believe I won't lose the rest of the weight I've set out to lose - I might lose some of my breast growth; but even if I do then so be it. If I don't then even better as if the rest of me is smaller then what I have should look bigger. :)
But regardless of what growth I have, what I may end up with, or if I had never had any - I've come to learn that breasts, nor any other physical characteristics define me as a woman. Yes I want to look nice, but even if I'm feeling frumpy around the house I'm as much of a woman as anyone else and I can no longer be convinced differently.
- M
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