Is that one of the age old questions that there's usually no good answer for? The reason that comes to mind this morning is because I was looking over some pictures of other people during their transition. I've never been a huge picture person myself; but one piece of advice I got early on that I actually took to heart was to keep some sort of diary (in my case I elected for a blog instead) as well as pictures over time. At first I really didn't understand why that would matter, but I went ahead and did it "just in case". I try at least once a week to have M or J get a picture of me before we leave the house. In hindsight I'm grateful for the advice, more regarding the photos than the diary/blog.
The reason I'm grateful is that I can look back to the first picture I have - it's about 18 months old and was taken before I went to the therapist for the first time. It's really bad. I look unhappy, the clothes weren't a very good choice, I'm standing like a "cowboy" for lack of a better term, and so on. Now at the time I thought I looked decent; but the bar has risen since then. It's the same as now, I think more often than not I look decent; but if I compare now to that first picture 18 months ago I can see so many changes. The makeup is better, the hair is better (I think), the clothes are better, the jewelry is better, and so on. The bigger change is that I look happy. I've never really been one to smile so sometimes it's hard to tell I'm happy (I'm working on that), but at least for those that know me I think they can see it.
So what does all of that have to do with the subject? Well as usual, I do have a point even if I take three paragraphs to get to tit. In this case it's pictures that I want to talk about, both mine and other people who are transitioning. I'm going to break them up into three general groups as *I* see them from *MY* perspective. The first being those that are basically completely passable - what is there to say about those other than how wonderful they look and/or how jealous I am that they look so good? The second are those that are far from passable and I'll get to those later. The last being those that are semi-passable to reasonably-passable - this is where I see myself. Now perhaps I'm being overly optimistic with that, or perhaps not but that's my impression of my presentation at the moment.
In my case when I started transitioning I opened up a new Facebook account as my old one had over a thousand friends and 95+ percent of those were random people I played games with and I wanted a more personal account with people I could choose to share my transition with. Currently that account has 30-40 "friends", all but one or two are ones I know personally and even those two I've been fairly good online friends with for years. I always upload my photos there, I like to think it's so I have them in a place where they are safe from a hard drive crash or something; but reality is that I do like to get feedback on how I look from people that are at least a little more objective than M or J are. I don't always like what they say, as an example I have a particular lipstick that I love and one particular person is very critical of it. It's taken me a good four months, but I've finally figured out that she was/is right about it. Looking back, I haven't been happy with my pictures during that time and that lipstick is the one constant among them. I at one point also posted them occasionally at Susan's Place, but one of the reasons I left there (and there were several) was that it was like asking J or M how I looked. It was always a "positive party" and while I understand why it was that way, I also feel that it wasn't helping me or others. Now I'm sure there are plenty of Trans-women and Trans-men for that matter, but I'm focusing on Trans-women here since that's what I am and in reality appearance is in general much more of a feminine concern. That probably sounds sexist, and I guess it is, but it's how I see the real world being. I'm not saying I wanted to be torn apart; but some constructive feedback would've helped. I recently started hanging out on Reddit some and posted a couple of photos there and actually got some really helpful feedback. It wasn't mean-spirited or hateful; but it was to the point and that's what *I* need.
Therein lies my first question - I've talked about what I'd like to accomplish when I post pictures on line, but what about others in the same general stage as myself? How do you know what to say to them? Do they want more constructive/critical feedback or do they simply need/want their confidence boosted? I struggle with this when I'm perusing other Trans-women's photos and more often than not I won't say anything for this reason. I'm not out to hurt anybody's feelings, nor am I some makeup/fashion expert, but there are plenty of times when I can look at a picture and see things that to me are dead giveaways, or even subtle things that would make a world of difference. Now there are exceptions where people ask for critiques - but even then are they really ready for that?
The second question is about the middle group from above - those that really don't even come close to passing. Looking back I was there at one point (and for all I know perhaps I still am); but what do you say about those photos? Do you pick out something nice and compliment that? Do you simply tell them they look great despite you (and possibly them) knowing otherwise? Do you try and provide a critique that (hopefully) won't hurt their feelings? It's sort of like the dress question I started with - is there any good answer for that question? I think a lot of people who are transitioning would love to help others when/how they could, but how best do you help somebody at that point without doing accidental damage to their psyche?
The last question is about the first group - those that more or less completely pass. When you see those pictures does it knock you down some that others may be (in some cases much) more successful in their transition? I know it used to do that to me at times. Or do you find it encouraging because they've accomplished so much? I try and see it that way now - if others can accomplish so very much then why can't I? Even if it's not as much as a given person has, even if it's only a portion of it, it's enough to make me happy. An example of this is a lovely woman named Serena - I think I mentioned her before. I ran across her on Susan's place right when I started my own transition. She's a few months ahead of me and she just had breast augmentation a couple of months ago and GRS a few weeks ago. Even before those two surgeries she looked phenomenal and now looking at some of her Youtube videos (SerenaLynn84) - especially those where she's assembled pictures over time (the 12 month and the 18 month videos especially), what she's accomplished is so inspiring to me. But I wonder if others see it the same way or if they let success like that bring them down.
I guess I've rambled on way too long at this point so I'll cut this short. I have a therapist appointment in a couple of hours to get ready for and I guess I need to start picking out the clothes I'll be taking for our little trip this weekend for my surgery. I'll be happy to get it done; but I won't relish the way I'll probably feel on the trip home. :)
- M
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