I would hope that if you've read much of any of this blog one thing would be readily apparent and that is my undying love for my wife J. Even before the subject of transitioning ever came up she was the most wonderful wife I could've dreamed about. Supportive, understanding, caring, and a million other adjectives all would have described her.
But there was always one nagging issue that I couldn't get over and that is that she is what I would call a "Stage 5 Clinger" - for those that have NOT seen Wedding Crashers you may not get the reference, but for those that do, well.... I was not used to that kind of attention - really any kind of attention. I had a reasonably decent childhood growing up in what I would've considered "middle class"; however, I don't say this to sound egotistical or anything, but I was a fairly smart child (I got into Mensa at one point, although I let my membership lapse) and my Mother treated me as such. She treated me like an adult at an early age, used me as a confidant, and so on. As a child I was happy about that as it did make me feel like an adult; but looking back now I also realize that it didn't allow me to be a child, or as much of one as I should've been. This isn't a complaint; just how I see things. The reason that's relevant is that it was never a really lovey dovey type of family and part of it relates to that I believe. My first wife, and now best friend M - well we were horrible as a husband/wife. Neither of us was ready for that much less to be parents; although even without our daughter I think we would've failed - in fact probably sooner - but there wasn't much if any real love there either.
So needless to say I grew to be introverted and independent and all of those other things that I became. When J came along it was different as there was true love there, but I didn't know how to handle it so I did what I always do in those cases I further retreated into my shell and at times even resented the attention she showered on me. I knew it upset her and I tried not to do it and I tried to make it up to her, but I know that no matter what I did it wasn't enough.
Things started to change with my transition and even more so with our foray back into a Dominant/Submissive relationship. As I transitioned, I found that her attention was important to me and that I appreciated it more and I started trying to reciprocate things in the manner that I knew she wanted. Once the D/S thing came into focus, even more so as she became much more judicious in the attention that she handed out which as is often the case made me want it more and appreciate it more.
Probably by now you're wondering where all of this is going and I'm going to get to that now. J has a horrible habit of trying to do everything for everybody and while the fact that she wants to is commendable, it also has always caused friction between us as there aren't enough hours in the day for her to do what she commits to and I'm the kind of person who that when they commit to something they get it done and expect the same from others. Well a couple of days ago we had a small spat over just this topic. I won't bother delving into the details; but as always we hashed it out a little bit later with each of us being sorry as always. At one point she asked me if I still loved her. The question really hurt as of course I did, more than anything. What really made it hurt is that she expects me to believe that she loves me because she says it, but she couldn't seem to do the same. The longer we talked, the real issue came to light that in the past her "clingyness" had driven people away over time and she was living in fear that it would do the same to me. I on the other hand finally explained that my problem was that I had never had anybody who cared for me the way she does and I simply didn't know how to handle it; and was afraid to get attached to it because I was afraid she'd eventually grow tired with me and leave.
So here we are, after all of these years (7 or so) and we can just now admit to each other that we're both afraid that the other will reach a point where they won't want us anymore; albeit for different reasons. As we talked about this, I never felt more close to J or more in love with her and I know she feels the same. If I were to have a heart attack sitting here typing this, be run over by a bus later on, or anything else, I would die knowing that I had the most wonderful wife, now partner I guess, that I could've ever possibly dreamed of and no matter what physical possessions we do/don't have, they all pale in comparison to what I have with J. If you end up seeing this post - know how much I love and cherish you and how special you are to me. Screw the Powerball, I hit the jackpot with you and I wouldn't trade it for anything or anybody in this or any other world. I love you so very much.
- M
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