I'll be honest, despite how I may feel right now or even the last week or two; basically my transition has been a very smooth ride. My wife J, my daughter, and my roommate M were supportive; I found a great therapist; I have a wonderful GP supervising my HRT; my regular GP is awesome about things including working with my HRT doctor; my name/gender change went smoothly; my experiences in public go well almost 100% of the time, even my orchiectomy seems to have went well. Now, there have been bumps, work is an issue that I don't think will end up with a happy ending for me; I had a post a few days ago regarding family and friends and the feelings I expressed there weren't exactly rainbows and unicorns either. But the good so far outweighs the bad that I would stand by any statement(s) I've ever made about my transition being smooth - it has. So I have trouble relating to those, and it seems to be a significant portion, people transitioning that are having such a rough time. I feel for them, I really do, but I just don't truly understand what they are going through as I haven't really lived that.
As I've said in other entries, this has led to a lot of guilt on my part; I'm not sure that's fair to me as I have worked very hard to be in the position I have. That's not to say many/most others haven't also worked hard, but there is an element that seems to think that they are owed a smooth ride when they don't want to do anything to get that smooth ride. Others, well there are a multitude of reasons why their circumstances are what they are. Perhaps it's simply nothing they could have helped - this is the group I have the most empathy for and have the most guilt about. Not to get too corny, etc., but their "American Dream" is to transition and it's being trampled upon for whatever reason. Some, it's simply a lack of preparation. I can relate to that somewhat, when I made the decision to transition I was nearing 42 and I wanted to "dive right in" too as I felt I was 40 years behind the curve. However, I took the time to do it right which often (and definitely in my case) means taking it slowly and carefully. So while I have empathy here, it's not as much as for some other "groups" as in most cases this is something that could have been avoided. I could keep on going and classifying people; but that's not why I'm here in general and definitely not why I'm here now.
As usual, here were are at my third paragraph and I'm just getting around to the reason why I am here and that's depression and transition. When doing my research beforehand, I read all the statistics I could find that related to transition and they simply do not paint a good picture. I was determined to beat those statistics and so far I believe I have - mainly because of how loving and supporting J is. But the reality is that there are a lot of people who end up giving up their transition for various reasons, or even giving up their life and that troubles me greatly. I know it's hard, even though I've (hopefully) done well so far, it by no means it's been easy - it hasn't. I've chronicled certain things that have stood in my way; but I've carefully avoided one, and it's a big one.
Depression. I've always been a firm believer that while depression may or may not be something you can "cure/fix/whatever", that you can at least mitigate it - some more than others. I would not say I'm ever really depressed, but I also go out of my way to keep myself from that - and that means before, during, and now post-transition (see my prior post for my thoughts on being done with transition). Some things are silly such as watching a lot of comedy - be it stand-up, television, or movies. That's one small example, others are things such as trying not to be around people who will bring me down for example. Because of this, as I said I've never really felt like I was depressed and as such I've had a hard time relating to some of the things I've read online. That's mostly what drove me from Susan's Place as sometimes it got so depressing it just wasn't worth me being there as it would start to drag me down.
Now all of that being said lately I seem to have lost some of my edge on depression. I still wouldn't say I'm depressed as I don't feel I am; but things such as my issues/concerns with people I thought were "friends" have gotten to me a bit. The fact that none of my immediate birth family really wants anything to do with me. Even though my uncle/aunt have been very nice and my cousin's wife has simply went out of her way to be wonderful; nobody else has which has got to me a bit. Even J - she's been at her current job for 6 months and still hasn't taken me to visit her store. I joke about it, but that's simply one of what I guess would be labelled as a "coping mechanism". I'm sure she's not doing it on purpose, but at some point it does start to hurt as that bit of wonder does creep into my mind. Maybe, as usual, I'm just thinking too much, but I can't help it. Her parents are another example, the right things seem to be said, but for example last night she went over there. Originally I was supposed to go - in fact I had suggested it since I've only been over there a couple of times and only twice as Madison (Thanksgiving and Christmas). Some things came up so J discouraged me from going. That hurt a lot - I understand if it was going to be "one of those nights" that perhaps it wasn't the best night to go over; but if she wasn't comfortable with me being there then why did she still go? It's not that I begrudge that she did, and I appreciate the fact that she was looking out for my best interests; but it makes me wonder about things since if she was willing to go how bad could it have been, unless perhaps they aren't quite as accepting about things as she says.
Even M. We've got 20+ years of history from when we met, to when she got pregnant and we were married, through our divorce, and our reconciliation as friends. On some levels I feel so sorry for her as she ended marrying somebody (we're skipping over husband #2 who was a loser and lasted only a few months) who has so many of the poor qualities that I used to have. I was a huge a**hole a lot of the time, and truthfully he is. I spent a ton of time in front of a computer, his vice is video games - actually I think obsession is a better word. I could go on and on, but there's no point - the real point is that sometimes I start feeling sorry for her because I'm not sure she's very happy and I want to see her happy. To that point, I try and do things with her when I can and go out of my way to include her when J and I are doing things - sometimes I think to the chagrin of J which I feel bad about, but I do feel a responsibility to look out for M as well.
The plan for tonight was for the three of us to run to Ulta for a little sale they were having, then on to get our eyebrows done, grab some dinner, and then J would go to her parents since it would be on the way home and M and I would come home - ideally stopping at a grocery store to grab a few things. Since J was going to her parents we'd need two cars so that's what we did. Ulta went fine, the eyebrow threading was great, and then we went to dinner. We visited a place called St. Louis Wing Co. They have a lot of neat wing flavors and run a dine-in special with all you can eat (boneless) wings, an order of fries, and a drink for $11.99. The initial order is 10 boneless wings in 1 or 2 flavors - your choice, and then subsequent orders of 5. Now I don't think we ever really get our $11.99 worth - $12.99 tonight since we each added cheese to our fries; but it's one place we ALL THREE like and it was on our way home (or to J's parents for her) so we choose there.
Now the highlight of my night if I had one was as we were ordering (J then myself, then M) - after I had ordered and the young lady confirmed it was "together" the next words out of her mouth were "so is it girls night out". Now to a cis-woman that likely doesn't merit a second thought, but for a trans-woman who's out with two cis-woman it's one of the most wonderful things in the world to hear as at that point I can only assume I'm passing well since it was NOT said with the sarcastic tone that I would've expected had if I had been "read". Now of course this means that the night has to go down hill from there and it did. The place was fairly busy and I wasn't very comfortable as it was a mostly younger and male crowd which is something I normally try to avoid, but it was what it was. We all three went to get our drinks and the fiasco started. M managed to get hers first, but obviously didn't want to pick a table so she stood in the way. She was getting some ketchup, but that obviously could have waited - J may or may not have picked up on it, but I've know M long enough to know what she was doing. Then of course J went to get hers and now she's in the way a bit since M is still in the way. I see another lady coming to get hers so I wiggled in and filled mine; but I can't get to the lids since J is blocking them so I'm getting frustrated a bit.
Well we all sit down and were discussing the morning - two of the cats (4 and 5) need to get a hair cut. I screwed this up as I had them done in October which is a month or so early for us and now it's only February and they are beyond needing another - I should have waited to have the last one done; but neither here nor there. Additionally, the Salvation Army is coming to pick up some donations (including a computer desk which is why we're not simply dropping them off). As it is, J is off tomorrow as is M. And M is suppose to handle meals - the agreement when we bought the house was dinner every day which has morphed into breakfast since M, my daughter, and M's husband work nights and often J isn't home regardless. Now the past several months M has gotten almost a total pass on this as I like to cook and I have been doing most of the cooking. With everything going on, plus me in the last day of a training class in the morning, I offered to make some Jalapeno Cheddar Puffs (recipe is in an earlier blog post from this month). Now I would've made something with them as while they can be a meal, we don't treat them that way.
As usual I was trying to be nice, and is so often the case M managed to blow the night up. She could have responded a lot of ways and it would've been fine and without getting into more specifics than I already have (yeah I know, too late) she picked the absolute wrong one. I got upset, now this was about as minor of an upset as I can possibly get, but I made no bones about it, she was acting like a c*nt and I didn't appreciate it. I did tell her that once again I went out of my way to include her when I didn't have to - I was already in for $13 plus tax for dinner for her, $15 for eyebrows and tip, $12 from Ulta as I really didn't get anything - just a single eye shadow, instead I bought M and J each two jars of a scrub (B2G2 Free), so at this point it's in excess of $40 just to include her basically because I felt sorry for her and here she was once again being a c*nt and hurting my feelings. J as I've asked her to do, interceded to defuse things, but by then my night was ruined. As much as it pained me to do, I cried off and on as we ate - at one point it was so bad I literally couldn't see my food; but I was trying to not make it obvious to either the other customers or M. I know she could tell, but I really was trying to avoid showing the emotion anymore than I had to. At one point J told me to apologize to her and I guess I should have - no I know I should have as J told me to, but I stood my ground and refused as I had NOT called her a c*nt, I said she was acting like one and here 8+ hours later I stand by that.
Well it was a quiet drive home since J went to her parents. I was polite to the point of responding to anything M said, but made no conversation of my own. Once we got home I came to my room and got undressed. I was going to get some work done, but my heart wasn't in it so I elected to go to bed. M came in with a drink and my medicine which I did thank her for as well as made sure she got her scrubs from me, but I then went to bed until J got home from her parents.
Now that I've probably wasted several minutes of your time reading all of that, the moral of tonight was that no matter how much I do care about M and her well being, she is simply a person who I guess you can't care because she doesn't return it. I never expect anything tangible from anybody; but for those I care about I need and expect it to be reciprocal and with M - well I know it is sometimes, but it has to be all of the time. As I've said elsewhere, J and I are more or less stuck in this house mess; but I'm really starting to question if I should continue to try and include M on any excursion with J and I - I mean the two of us had a wonderful few days on our Detroit trip. For that matter I'm pondering if I should even bother cooking other than for J herself as apparently even that isn't appreciated. Maybe it's finally time to cut bait on M as somebody I call my friend and most of the time my "sister" and consider her simply a roommate. I hate to let it come to that as I do care; but I cannot continue to care at my or J's expense and that's what it is far too often. Maybe I'll feel differently after I get some more sleep.
So what does that all have to do with the topic - well if I were ever to be depressed - and I'm not saying I am as I don't believe it's to that point - but right now would have to be about the lowest I've felt during my 20 months or so since I chose to transition. I'm sure about anybody who reads this would say "really" and roll their eyes at that, and I can't say I'd blame them. But quite often things are relative and while these things all probably seem trivial to most people, considering how well things have went for me, they represent the worst I've felt during/post transition. I realize they pale in comparison to what a great many have (or currently) dealt with and I'm by no means trying to compare this to those things. Rather I'm simply saying that I do have a better understanding of HOW someone who was transitioning could end up depressed and that has let to some understanding at my part.
If you've managed to get this far, you are probably a better person than I am and for that I thank you. I needed to vent somewhere, I promise I'll get back to better topics with the next post.
- M
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