I covered my immediate family in the first part of this entry and I think I've covered what I consider my actual family (J and my daughter and even M to an extent) pretty well previously. The real reason for these entries was to cover extended family a bit, but really "friends".
I'll make the extended family brief - and this time I mean it. Really it's my one Uncle/Aunt, and one of their daughter in laws. Other uncles, aunts, cousins, etc., pretty much pretend I don't exist and that's fine. The uncle and aunt that do were my favorites and their one daughter in law is an absolute sweetheart of a woman. Not at the J level or anything, but she's up there. The rest, well they are what they are and while it bothers me that one aunt in particular hasn't been more receptive, well so be it, I'm happy with what I do have.
Now that I've went through a lengthy post and the start of a second one it's time to get to the real reason I started on this topic and that's "friends". To be blunt I never really had a lot of friends even as a child. There were a couple of kids I grew up around (both a grade younger than I), one of whom I've reconnected with on Facebook now, but I really didn't have "friends" in my own grade. Part of that was that I was younger than almost everyone else. As a frame of reference to that, I was 16 years old until a month into my senior year of high school. As I grew older, I would be friendly with people I worked with and would on occasion do things with them as friends might, but it wasn't that we were what I'd really consider friends. Over the years I've retained a couple of them, C and R - both females - and while we'll comment on each other's Facebook entries and send an occasional message, it's not anymore than that. We're not friends in the way that we'd go have lunch or something. There's a woman M.N. that J and I have only met on Facebook that was the first person other than J, M, and D that I was going to transition and she's been a nice sounding board over the years. But she lives halfway across the country and even if she didn't I think we'd still only be friends through Facebook. Then I have the three ladies I worked with a few years ago. I've actually been invited out (and accepted) for dinner several times. I guess these three would be the closest people to being what I'd consider "friends" in the traditional definition.
What does all of that have to do with anything? Well for example M.N. has become distant the last couple of months - almost to the point that I wonder if I did something. The three ladies I used to work with that I referenced above - well the invitations to meet for dinner have simply quit coming. Other people who know about things who may be Facebook friends for example, again they may comment on a post or something, but beyond that nothing. It makes me wonder if I've done something(s) to drive these people away from me or not. I'm not an "in your face" kind of person about things - I'll share my experiences here in case somebody can garner something useful from them and I'm always willing to answer questions, etc., from anybody but I don't just ramble on and/or turn a dinner into a crusade for this or that either. I will admit that I'm very reserved in situations like that, but I was never the "life of the party" anyway so that should come as no surprise to any of them. So if I haven't done something then what is it?
I obviously don't know, but I've started to wonder if it wasn't so much them being friendly, but more me being a "novelty" to them. It sounds horrible and the reality that it may be the case makes me feel horrible. I just want to be a normal female, as happy as I can be. I don't want to be somebody's idea of cheap entertainment. I deserve better than that, I firmly believe that even if my self-esteem isn't great, I have enough to believe that. Maybe there is another explanation, or maybe I have done something, but maybe it is as simple as the fact that I provide amusement for them. If so, then well that's sad and hateful. But I'll move on and be better for it, it just really hurts in the short term as I was apparently naive, but I honestly believed I'd be able to have some actual friends and do the things that girl-friends do. Apparently I was wrong, shame on me for not seeing it coming. But I'll get over it and regardless I have J, M, and even D, not to mention my daughter who aren't that way. Thanks ladies, you four are shining stars through a dark and dreary night and I'm grateful for each and every one of you.
- M
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