One of the most common questions/concerns of many transgender people - especially those contemplating transition or those that are just starting to transition is "will I pass"/"do I pass". Now, obviously my experience with this subject is from a MtF perspective and as such this post will focus mainly on that; but it's definitely not limited to MtF as portions of what I'm going to talk about also relate to a FtM transition. I'm simply not personally experienced in that sort of transition and while I can speculate on things, since I don't have the "personal experience" I don't have the same insights as I do for a MtF transition. As I tend to do, I'm going to speak from a mostly personal experience; this is by no means meant to be some all knowing wisdom I'm about to share, but rather what my concerns were/are before and during my transition, and even now in what I consider my post-transition.
As I've mentioned before, one of the tipping points for me to transition was getting back in touch with a former co-worker/friend - "D". I hadn't seen her in several years and she happened to run into M at work one night, and M invited her over. Now I had heard she had transitioned and I expected that it was likely going well for her as she always sort of an androgynous look to her, and I mean that as a compliment. Well, I wasn't the most social person in the world, but I did come down and spend a little time with everyone while she was here. While I can't/won't comment on her transition specifically as I feel that would be a breach of trust, I will say she looked wonderful; and seemed so very happy. In the next several days I gave things a lot of thought myself as J went out of town with her parents on vacation. I talked with M a bit about D and how successful she was and M did make an offhanded comment that I should consider it. I blew her off at the time, for a lot of reasons, but it did plant the seed in my head. I mean if D could be (apparently) so happy, then perhaps I could do it and be happy as well. I did my research and a few days later I broached the topic with J - she was still on vacation - but that is a story for another day. I next broached it with M as I felt I would need more support than just J, and if you read this sweetie, that's nothing against you - it's on me as we both know I'm more than a bit insecure and I knew I'd need a lot of help and support.
So what does all of this have to do with the topic at hand? Not a whole lot, other than to give a short version of the back story for those that don't know me and/or haven't read the blog from the beginning. That being said, it's now paragraph three and as I tend to do lets get to the topic at hand; and that topic is "passing". Obviously every person who chooses to transition has their own concerns, but I would speculate that few, if any, aren't concerned about how they "pass" at least on some level. I know it was a huge concern of mine, especially early on and that's what I want to share here.
When I made the decision to transition, I spent hours, late into the night and early morning researching everything I possibly could about it. Everything from the medical considerations and concerns of HRT along with SRS/GRS and other surgeries, all the way down to personal accounts of why people have transitioned and their experiences. There were a lot of concerns that came from my research; and J had some from hers as well - things such as the divorce rate in couples where one person transitions, suicide rates, and so on. The only one of those things that greatly concerned me were the divorce rates - I hoped J would understand and stay with me, but as I told her "it wasn't what she signed up for". She quickly quashed that notion, she loved me regardless of my presentation or gender, I also had M and D's support. I still had concerns such as the WPATH guidelines in regards to therapy for example - I've discussed my thoughts on that elsewhere - but at that point my biggest concern was "could I pass"?
I knew I had several things going against me. My age meant that HRT likely wouldn't do as much for me as it would somebody half (or less) my age. I was overweight. My hair was so thin I'd have to go the wig route and the fact that I have a larger head even for a cis-male was going to make finding wigs I liked more difficult. My facial (and body) hair was going to be a huge problem - on that note what a cruel irony that I have virtually none on my head where I need/want it and have so very much everywhere else. Not to mention that at nearly 42 I would be trying to learn makeup skills, hair skills, mannerisms, and so on that a cis-woman had been learning since birth. These were just some of the concerns I had and it weighed heavily on my mind.
I had not found Reddit yet, but I was spending a fair amount of time on sites such as Susan's Place - a lot of that time looking at threads such as "Can I Pass One Day?" and "Do I Pass?" - those are probably paraphrased, but you get the point. That was very discouraging as well for two reasons. The first being that I saw so many people that I thought passed so well and I didn't think I could ever look as nice as they did. The second - and this is NOT meant to hurt any feelings - but truthfully there were also plenty of pictures that I looked at and knew they would likely never pass and that worried me as I felt I fell more into this group.
For the first several months I didn't go out very often as Madison and even when I did it took copious amounts of M (mostly) or J's time to get me ready as they had to pick out my outfits, do my hair and makeup, and so on. If I had to leave the house alone, other than perhaps a therapist or Doctor appointment I went with what I'd consider an androgynous look. I was deathly afraid to be out alone as Madison as I didn't feel I could pass at all - even from a distance. This continued for several months, even though I had long since gotten rid of all my male clothes, if I had to go out alone I'd pick out the most non-girly clothes I had - which by now was hard as I only had women's clothing including shoes. And when I went out with M and/or J I tended to "hide in their shadow(s)". I told myself, them, Kelly my therapist, etc., that I didn't care what other people thought and I did believe that; but looking back I was fooling myself. I did care and it concerned me what others might think and I was afraid of what they might say and so on.
I'm not exactly sure what the turning point was, but one day I simply decided that I either wanted to be Madison or I didn't, but if I did I couldn't continue to behave the way I had been. From that point on I started going out as Madison more often, but still mostly only with M and J. I made a concerted effort to "hide" less as well. The final turning point for me came last summer at some point - I could probably look though my emails and pinpoint a date as it was on the way home from seeing Kelly. I don't really recall what we discussed that session, but it was a rare session where I had driven by myself down there and was heading home by myself. I left her office and I felt good. Now, I will say that *EVERY* time I leave her office I feel better than when I walked in; but this time was different. As I got in the car and pulled away from the curb, I felt good about myself. I felt happy with myself. The same kind of happy I felt when J told me she'd support me in transitioning. It was the happiest I had been in a long time and that sort of made my decision for me. There would be no more "androgynous" stuff - if I left the house it would be as "Madison" and none of this "half way" stuff anymore. I had long since felt I was "full time" - to me that began the prior September when I had purged all of my male clothes; but in hindsight this was the day I truly feel I went full time.
I was so happy and actually had some confidence in myself that I stopped to get lunch on the way home. I had never went out to eat alone as Madison before. But for once I wasn't afraid of what people might think or say, I honestly for the first time truly didn't care. I was treated courteously, included being correctly gendered and I think I left with more confidence than I went in with which is saying a lot. Now considering my voice (especially at the time) I doubt that I truly passed to my server, but that didn't matter to me at that point. But from the looks I got - well lack there of - from other customers I was at least passing from a distance and to me that was huge progress.
As it sits today my voice is still a work in progress, it's funny when I was younger I got "ma'am" in the drive thru all the time and now my voice seems to be in the low range for a cis-male so it's been hard work and there's a lot more to do. However, I no longer concern myself with visibly passing. I think I do at least most of the time. I'm sure there are people that "read me" from time to time, but I simply don't care. I know I said that before, but now I honestly don't. On occasion J, M, or I will notice somebody staring, but instead of making me feel bad or something it now simply becomes amusing banter for us. I no longer hesitate to run errands by myself as Madison - in fact one of my favorite things to do is grocery shop and while I don't mind doing it with J or M, I honestly prefer to go alone as it's a comfortable place for me to kill a hour or two and I don't give passing so much a a single thought. Looking back it's amazing how that could happen considering how I felt about it 20 months or so ago.
I've given this a lot of thought over time and even more so over the last few days and my conclusions are:
I knew I had several things going against me. My age meant that HRT likely wouldn't do as much for me as it would somebody half (or less) my age. I was overweight. My hair was so thin I'd have to go the wig route and the fact that I have a larger head even for a cis-male was going to make finding wigs I liked more difficult. My facial (and body) hair was going to be a huge problem - on that note what a cruel irony that I have virtually none on my head where I need/want it and have so very much everywhere else. Not to mention that at nearly 42 I would be trying to learn makeup skills, hair skills, mannerisms, and so on that a cis-woman had been learning since birth. These were just some of the concerns I had and it weighed heavily on my mind.
I had not found Reddit yet, but I was spending a fair amount of time on sites such as Susan's Place - a lot of that time looking at threads such as "Can I Pass One Day?" and "Do I Pass?" - those are probably paraphrased, but you get the point. That was very discouraging as well for two reasons. The first being that I saw so many people that I thought passed so well and I didn't think I could ever look as nice as they did. The second - and this is NOT meant to hurt any feelings - but truthfully there were also plenty of pictures that I looked at and knew they would likely never pass and that worried me as I felt I fell more into this group.
For the first several months I didn't go out very often as Madison and even when I did it took copious amounts of M (mostly) or J's time to get me ready as they had to pick out my outfits, do my hair and makeup, and so on. If I had to leave the house alone, other than perhaps a therapist or Doctor appointment I went with what I'd consider an androgynous look. I was deathly afraid to be out alone as Madison as I didn't feel I could pass at all - even from a distance. This continued for several months, even though I had long since gotten rid of all my male clothes, if I had to go out alone I'd pick out the most non-girly clothes I had - which by now was hard as I only had women's clothing including shoes. And when I went out with M and/or J I tended to "hide in their shadow(s)". I told myself, them, Kelly my therapist, etc., that I didn't care what other people thought and I did believe that; but looking back I was fooling myself. I did care and it concerned me what others might think and I was afraid of what they might say and so on.
I'm not exactly sure what the turning point was, but one day I simply decided that I either wanted to be Madison or I didn't, but if I did I couldn't continue to behave the way I had been. From that point on I started going out as Madison more often, but still mostly only with M and J. I made a concerted effort to "hide" less as well. The final turning point for me came last summer at some point - I could probably look though my emails and pinpoint a date as it was on the way home from seeing Kelly. I don't really recall what we discussed that session, but it was a rare session where I had driven by myself down there and was heading home by myself. I left her office and I felt good. Now, I will say that *EVERY* time I leave her office I feel better than when I walked in; but this time was different. As I got in the car and pulled away from the curb, I felt good about myself. I felt happy with myself. The same kind of happy I felt when J told me she'd support me in transitioning. It was the happiest I had been in a long time and that sort of made my decision for me. There would be no more "androgynous" stuff - if I left the house it would be as "Madison" and none of this "half way" stuff anymore. I had long since felt I was "full time" - to me that began the prior September when I had purged all of my male clothes; but in hindsight this was the day I truly feel I went full time.
I was so happy and actually had some confidence in myself that I stopped to get lunch on the way home. I had never went out to eat alone as Madison before. But for once I wasn't afraid of what people might think or say, I honestly for the first time truly didn't care. I was treated courteously, included being correctly gendered and I think I left with more confidence than I went in with which is saying a lot. Now considering my voice (especially at the time) I doubt that I truly passed to my server, but that didn't matter to me at that point. But from the looks I got - well lack there of - from other customers I was at least passing from a distance and to me that was huge progress.
As it sits today my voice is still a work in progress, it's funny when I was younger I got "ma'am" in the drive thru all the time and now my voice seems to be in the low range for a cis-male so it's been hard work and there's a lot more to do. However, I no longer concern myself with visibly passing. I think I do at least most of the time. I'm sure there are people that "read me" from time to time, but I simply don't care. I know I said that before, but now I honestly don't. On occasion J, M, or I will notice somebody staring, but instead of making me feel bad or something it now simply becomes amusing banter for us. I no longer hesitate to run errands by myself as Madison - in fact one of my favorite things to do is grocery shop and while I don't mind doing it with J or M, I honestly prefer to go alone as it's a comfortable place for me to kill a hour or two and I don't give passing so much a a single thought. Looking back it's amazing how that could happen considering how I felt about it 20 months or so ago.
I've given this a lot of thought over time and even more so over the last few days and my conclusions are:
- For the most part people are concerned about themselves and/or their companions and don't give others much more than a cursory glance. There are obviously exceptions, but most people really aren't staring at you. :)
- The single most important part of "passing" is CONFIDENCE. If you have it you've already nearly won the battle. Without it, it doesn't matter how nice you look, how good your mannerisms are, or how well your voice fits your presentation - people will pick up the lack of confidence and the attention will lead to you being "read" far more often than it should. Be it the grocery store, the mall, or wherever, act like you belong there and people normally won't give you a second glance. Act out of place and you'll have their undivided attention.
- Dress the part. That means dress age appropriately AND location appropriate. Look I like shorter skirts, high heels, and makeup as much as anybody; but you don't normally see many cis-women in the grocery store dressed like they're ready for a night on the town.
- Observe. One of the reasons I really like the grocery store is that it skews towards having more female customers and I can do a lot of observation. You'd be surprised at all the subtle nuances that you can pick up and quite often those are the difference between passing or not.
- Even if you are "read", it's not the end of the world and DO NOT let it ruin your attitude or confidence. This one was hard for me for a while as when I felt I didn't pass my confidence sagged and my attitude with it. Biggest mistake I made; and one I really hope that anybody who reads this can avoid.
There are probably a lot of other things I could put on that list, but those are what come to mind at 2:15am. :)
I can't stress confidence enough. But no matter how confident you are it will likely waiver at times. Try not to let it, getting read isn't the end of the world. I know I want to pass and I'm sure most people who transition also want that, but even if you don't in general or on a given day, don't let that get you down. I - and I suspect many/most people that transition do it to try and live a happier life and if you obsess overing passing (or lack there of), you won't be as happy as you could be. And it's not like cis-women aren't critical of themselves or are jealous over other women. So worry about how nice you may look is just a part of the journey, embrace it for what it is and be happy. :)
- M
Thank you for sharing...Wendy
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments, it's nice to know that somebody actually reads this - well at least somebody other than my wife. :)
DeleteI think others do, they just don't bother to reply...
Delete