Transitioning 101 - Pronouns

I wanted to get back to my little series of "Transitioning 101" posts and this subject came up elsewhere the other day and I did actually dive into the discussion on it as while I felt there were some great points and thoughts shared there I also took issue with some of what was being shared.  While all of the posts in this series have been at least semi-personal; this one will definitely be very personal as I have strong thoughts on some things when it comes to pronouns.  As always, they are simply *my thoughts*, nothing more, nothing less.  If you agree with some/any/all of them - well great.  If you disagree with some/any/all of them - that's great too.  I'm more than willing to entertain anyone else's viewpoints on anything, especially this.

For myself, especially early on, I didn't really worry about pronouns all that much.  I knew my presentation wasn't great, and my voice even worse.  Looking back on it 3+ years later it's probably even worse than I thought it was back then from an appearance perspective and while my voice is better these days it's still not great so I know it was bad back then.  As such I more or less felt like the proverbial "man in a dress" quite a bit of the time, so I sort of expected to not hear things like she/her/ma'am/etc; and quite often I didn't even when presenting female.  I'm not saying I got he/him/sir/etc, rather what I usually got back then was a complete lack of pronouns from people.  That really didn't bother me all that much, though it was disappointing to for example go to a restaurant with J or M and hear them refer to us as "ladies" or have a server say something like "and for you ma'am?" and then when they'd hear my voice or get a better look at me drop all pronouns.  But as I said, I more or less didn't expect much so for me it was of a disappointment in myself than anything.  I had failed to "do enough to pass/blend" - be it my voice, my appearance, or whatever.  I never really got upset at anyone other than myself (with one notable exception) because I never felt it was coming across as malicious.

That being said, I do vividly remember the first time I got referred to as "ma'am" and the person honestly meant it.  I had left an appointment with my therapist and was feeling pretty good about myself.  As it happened I was by myself which at the time was out of the ordinary, but J had to work and M had an appointment.  I was hungry, so I went by a Lion's Choice (a regional roast beef chain, far superior to Arby's IMO) for lunch.  For whatever reason my voice was reasonable that day and I suppose I looked fairly nice.  If I had just gotten it from one person I might have blown it off, but both the person taking my order and the person who presented my order used ma'am and it didn't come across as the "just being polite" kind of ma'am I had gotten in the past.  Now maybe I was just in an overly positive mood that day, but it really seemed like I had blended in and I was very happy about it.

Over time it's gotten better and better, to the point where it's only those rare occasions where I don't get a pronoun at all, and I honestly can only recall perhaps two times since I chose to transition where I've been presenting fully as female where I've gotten a male pronoun thrown my way.  However, this leads me to one of my points for this post.  I see a great many people who let it ruin their day if they get mis-gendered and while I understand that, I also think that perhaps there is a better way to look at it.  If I don't get she/her/ma'am/etc from someone and I am presenting full on female, then rather than let it ruin my day, I try and evaluate *why* that happened.  Did my voice slip?  Is there an issue with my hair and/or makeup, or clothing?  Were my mannerisms off?  Something else?  Sure in some instances it may have simply been a conscious choice on the person's part to use gender-neutral pronouns or simply none at all - I know in the past I've done that myself.  But I feel that more often than not, it is because of something on my part and I want to figure out what that something is so I can correct it going forward.  So rather than get upset and let it ruin my outing/day, I try and use it as sort of a teaching moment for myself.  Now, if I feel it was maliciously done - which has only been the case perhaps twice in 3+ years, then yes I will say something to the appropriate people.  But even in those couple of instances, I still was more interested in determining what I could do better or differently to have prevented that.  I'm not saying that everyone can/should do what I do, but perhaps it is something to consider.

Another hot button is how to handle pronouns when talking about a person in their "pre-transition" days.  The consensus seems to be to use the pronouns that are appropriate to the persons current gender presentation and I tend to agree with that for the most part.  That being said, I do prefer when/if possible to find out how the person wishes to be referred to.  So if for example Caitlyn Jenner preferred to have her Olympic experiences discussed using the name of "Bruce Jenner" and male pronouns because that's how she was presenting at the time, well then I'd want to honor her wishes.  Now if for whatever reason it's not possible to find out how a person wishes to be referred to in their pre-transition days, then for me I'm going to err on the side of caution and use their current name and pronoun choices.  The main reason *I* would do that is to avoid potentially outing someone.  In the case of Ms. Jenner, I don't think it's really possible to "out" her, but for many who are/have transitioned, it is possible and it is not my place to do that.

Now with that being said, I do personally draw one major exception in regards to *myself*.  And that is when people are discussing me in my pre-Madison days.  As an example, I've talked about one of my Uncle's in this blog before that has been really supportive of me.  When talking to me or about me in the present, he flawlessly uses Madison and female pronouns.  However, when he starts talking about me in days past, such as when I was a ring bearer at his wedding, he tends to slip into using my old name and male pronouns.  Again, I know for many people this would really bother them, and I fully understand that.  But for me, while I'd prefer to hear "Madison" and "she/her/etc", I feel that his memories of those times are of me presenting as a male, going by the name he used in telling his story and as such I personally don't expect him to alter his memories on the fly.  Would I be happier if he could/would?  Of course.  But I'm not going to hold it against him if he doesn't.  I'm happy that he's supportive of me and I'm not about to make an issue over something like this.  I'm not saying that my approach is necessarily right for anyone else, but it's what works for me.

It's late and I should wrap this up and get to bed.  Looking back over what I've written, I almost feel that this post doesn't fit in with the rest of the ones in this little series, but what's done is done.  So with that I bid everyone a good night.

- M

A Nice Day Out...

I tend to try and not write about specific days out, as I figure for the most part nobody cares about that out other than me. However, yesterday was an exceptionally nice and fun day and if for no other reason that for me to be able to go back and remember the day, I wanted to write a bit about it.  So if you don't want to hear about my "outing" then feel free to skip over this post, my feelings won't be hurt.  :)

M was taking a few vacation days and had mentioned doing some running around when she got off work Saturday morning and I thought it would be good to get out and about since I haven't done much of that lately due to the heat.  Unfortunately, J had to work an early shift which for her is 8-6 and couldn't go out with us.  So, as is normal, I was up early to get her lunch prepared for work and once she left I set about doing some "clean up" work on my body.  With it being so hot, I had wanted to wear a dress - I've picked up several "summery" ones lately - a couple of longer ones, and a couple of knee length ones.  I had worn one of the shorter ones (a black and white one) the other night when J and I ran out to grab some things, so I wanted to try out the other which is an orange and white one.  Orange isn't normally a color I pick out, but I'm making a concerted effort to get some brighter colors in my wardrobe since most of what I have is black or other dark colors.  Now the other night when I ran out with J my legs weren't exactly in the shape I'd like so I opted for some pantyhose which I really did like - it was the first time I had tried "suntan" ones - but I knew it would be too hot for those so I needed to touch up my legs, and while I was at it my arms and chest needed some work and obviously my face.

M and offered to help me with my makeup.  Normally I wear a heavy foundation, but that was picked out probably two years ago when I was just starting my laser.  It's a nice foundation, but with it being so hot and my face being so much clearer now thanks to the laser, M felt I could get by with some concealer and BB cream.  I was a bit skeptical, but in hindsight I think it was a good choice and it actually held up pretty well.  Actually, we went fairly light on all my makeup, it was probably as close to a "natural" look as I've ever been out in and going forward, especially while it remains warm it's probably the kind of look I'll be trying to use for the most part.  My outfit consisted of the aforementioned orange dress, a bra and panties, and my favorite white heels, though I took a pair of casual orange flats that I really like, but don't normally get to wear in case my feet hurt.  Normally I don't do that, but I haven't worn heels very much this summer and I knew I'd be out for a while.  Back to the outfit, I really do love the dress, but it was an experience as it is more of a summery dress and I'm not used to wearing those, so I felt almost a little "naked" at first.  :)  We added a bit of jewelry, a nice little necklace that I picked up a while ago, a matching "gummi bear" bracelet and earrings that we found at Claire's recently, a cheesy anklet since I love those, and my prior wig - the shorter one - since it was so hot.  I also swapped out my favorite black purse with a one that J got me last year.  Here's the "outfit", try and ignore the expression as M managed to snap the photo at an inopportune moment. :)

We had initially thought we'd go looking for a new pair of flats for me, probably at Payless since they carry my size, as the pair I wear primarily has seen better days.  We were also going to run by a Dollar Tree, perhaps get some lunch, and then do some grocery shopping as she needed to get some things to make a dinner that M2 had asked her for.  So nothing really special, really just a few errands was to be it.

We ended up hitting two different Payless stores and I never really found what I was looking for - at least not in my size.  The current flats I tend to wear actually have a bit of a heel on them and while I didn't like that when M first gave them to me, now I really do.  They had some similar, but one pair was slightly too big and one slightly too small - at my size they only do full sizes and I really needed either something on the half-size or if the larger pair had not been a "wide" they might have worked.  M did find a couple of pairs of really cute wedges, one of which I wished came in my size.  :)

We also did hit a couple of Dollar Trees, M had a field day there, I personally didn't find much, but the overall experience was good.  The highlight of the day was probably our lunch.  There's a place not too far from us - Ethyl's Smokehouse, that we've been by hundreds of times over the years and never tried.  Mainly because it has the look of a "bar" and we don't really drink.  However, I really wanted to try something new and M had expressed a desire to try it as well so we ended up there.  I won't dwell on the experience as I've already written a Yelp review on it, but suffice it to say the food was good, and the service was excellent.  And while I was making an effort with my voice, I know it slipped a couple of times to our server and yet she never faltered with pronouns nor changed the way she treated us.  We'll definitely be back.  We did also hit the grocery store, a new "Ruler Foods" which from what I understand is basically Kroger's version of "Aldi".  It's far enough from us that we probably wouldn't normally go in there, but we did get enough things to make it worthwhile and again everybody was so nice there.

It was so hot, that despite bringing a cooler and getting ice, we decided to bring the food home and the intent had been to call it day since M had been up all night working; but I had been talking about getting a new purse since my favorite black Guess bag is showing some wear; so she talked me into heading over to a Ross as while it's not my favorite place to shop, they do have some nice purses that are fairly reasonable.  As it was, I found several I liked, including a couple of Betsy Johnson ones that in years past I never would have even considered.  But all in all, I *liked* them, I didn't *love* them so I couldn't pull the trigger.  The trip wasn't a waste though as we picked up several clothing items for her, J, P, and myself, as well as a cute pair of wedges similar to the white ones I had on today.

We stopped at a McDonald's as I had to use the restroom (again), and that store happens to be across the street from a Beauty supply place that M frequents so we went in and looked around.  Normally I'm not a huge fan of the place as their jewelry and such isn't really my thing.  However, I did find a couple of cute things for my hair (hopefully), and a nice anklet, all for a dollar a piece.  They do also have a huge amount of wigs - the vast majority of them very cheap.  The even carry the brand I use (Estetica) and while those aren't overly cheap, they are a good 20+% cheaper than what I normally pay.  I'm tempted to try a couple of the ones they have as there were some I liked in the $40-$50 range and I normally pay $150-$300 for mine.  If they work out, then great, if not, well I'm not out all that much.  The highlight of this visit was how polite the store personnel were.  The person in charge recognized M and asked if we were sisters.  I don't know that I believe that she really thought that, but I would believe I was at least passable enough for her to say it and that made me feel good as at this point we had been out about 8 hours and my makeup hadn't melted. :)

From there we hit another grocery store to get a few more things for M's dinner and headed home.  By the time we put them all away it was well after 6pm and J was on her way home.  Now normally I would have removed the hair, makeup, and clothes, and settled into my typical around the house wear.  But I still felt good, I thought I looked reasonably good, and I wanted to take J out to dinner.  With it being Saturday and me telling M that I'd see that P got up for work and we'd take her to work, we didn't have a lot of time, so we settled on Qdoba since it's close, it's quick, and we can agree on it. :)  Despite a bit of a debate over something, it was a nice dinner out with J, and it capped off a really fun and nice day for me.  All told I think I ended up in about a dozen stores and restaurants, as well as several ladies rooms, and had no issues, and was treated incredibly well everywhere.  I guess that last part shouldn't surprise me as I almost never have an issue, but me being a glass half-empty person I always sort of expect to.  Now if I could just get the voice down, things would be even better.

I know it probably sounds like a dull day to many and in reality it probably is.  But it wasn't about what we did, it was simply that I was able to be out and about the whole day with people I really like and care about and have a good time doing it.  It was also great to be able to get out in such minimal makeup (and no foundation) and still be at least reasonably "passable".  That was a lesson I needed to learn as I have a hard time justifying the time to do a full makeup job to run to the store, but what M showed me only took her 5 minutes tops (so probably 10 for me LOL), but is something I could do for those short little spur of the moment trips and I'll feel better about myself than going out without hair and makeup and being basically androgynous.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that look, goodness knows I've done it a lot over the years.  But I am one of those people that does want to wear the dresses, makeup, heels, etc., and a lot of times I don't because I feel over dressed.  However, dressed like this, I felt comfortable in places like the grocery store and that made me feel good.

With that I think I'll wrap this up as I've babbled on for what seems like forever and as I said above I'm sure this topic will bore most people, but I had a great day and I wanted to be able to look back on this post and remember just how great a day I had.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Managing Expectations

Most of the topics in this "Transitioning 101" series I've been writing off and on about are things that I've been fairly significantly impacted by (both good and bad); but the majority of those things were more or less "external" things that impacted me.  Expectations however; are more of an internal impact; though there are also external expectations such as those from family, friends, employer(s), etc.  That being said, this topic going to focus on those internal expectations that come with transitioning.  One side note, while I tend to focus on Trans-women since that's the demographic I fall into personally, this post will definitely skew towards that even more than normal.  

I think the best place for me to start is with myself.  I have a tendency to expect the worst, or at least towards the worst, when it comes to the outcome of anything, not just things related to my transition.  Some (many?  most?) would say that's not a great way to go into things, but over the years it's worked for me.  The vast majority of the time things do go better, often far better, than what I expected and I believe that helps keep me happy.  And for those rare occasions that things do go poorly, well then I got about what I expected.  I believe that this attitude of mine has played a significant role in how my transition has worked out.  For the most part things have been great and have exceeded my expectations.  There have been two notable exceptions where I let my expectations become overly positive in relation to how things worked out and I'll touch on those later; but all in all I think I've done well managing my expectations in relation to my transition.  

However, as time has went by and I've paid more and more attention to others transitions, I see far too many who have suffered or are suffering from their expectations not being meant.  In many cases that has led to at least some disappointment, and in some cases - far worse.  While I cannot say that had if any of their expectations been different that things would have worked out better; I am fairly certain that in at least some cases, things might have worked out differently and hopefully better.  Now before someone gets upset and thinks I'm heading off on some sort of "victim blaming" diatribe, that's not the case.  All I'm saying is that having reasonable expectations, especially when it comes to transitioning, is something I believe will contribute to the success of a transition and hopefully at least increase the odds of a person being happier than they were pre-transition.

So now that I've made my assertion on managing expectations, I thought it only fair that I give a few examples of what I feel are common areas where expectations could often be better managed.  And as I say all the time, and probably should have said before now in this topic, I'm sure some/many/most may disagree with how I see things and as always that's fine.  I'm by no means a mental health professional, nor for that matter an expert on transitioning.  These are simply my thoughts and observations and should simply be treated as such - nothing more.  So with that out of the way, lets get on to some of those areas.

The first one is one that I've talked about in another part of this series of posts and that is HRT.  All too often I see people who seem to believe that HRT is some magic bullet that will suddenly make them into their vision of the woman they want to be.  First off, appearance doesn't make the person, much less the woman.  That being said, I can understand the desire to be attractive; especially as a Trans-woman since society as a whole tends to place so much weight on that.  But if you expect to become a supermodel simply from HRT, not to mention it happening virtually immediately - well you're likely in for a bad time.  Yes, there are plenty of people who have had great success on HRT, but even for those that do, it's often a lengthy process and there is often far more than HRT at play.  There may be surgeries involved, makeup often plays a huge part, as can hair style and clothing choices.  And even with those things aside, HRT is a roll of the dice.  For example, some develop fairly large breasts, some average, some below average, and some almost none at all.  Some may have more redistribution of body fat than others, and so on.  I'm by no means trying to minimize the effects of HRT, I'm just saying the expectations of what it might do need to be reasonable.  For myself, truthfully considering my age when I started HRT, I didn't expect much and I've been pleasantly surprised to this point.

Another place where I think expectations are often overly optimistic is when it comes to pronoun usage.  I've actually got an entire topic dedicated to pronouns coming up, so I won't delve too far into it here; but to just expect every person you come into contact with to automatically start using your preferred pronouns 100% of the time is just not reality in my experience.  If for example I'm presenting female then yes I have an expectation to hear she/her/ma'am/etc.  This is especially true for anyone who didn't know me pre-transition.  However, even if am presenting female, people who knew me pre-transition, in some cases 40+ years, well no matter how good their intentions are, they may well slip up from time to time - especially early on.  It doesn't mean they don't care, it doesn't mean they were being malicious, it doesn't need to ruin my day.  People make mistakes and for those that I care about, well they get the benefit of the doubt until they prove they deserve otherwise.  And I haven't even touched upon if I were to present androgynously or even male as I did before I went full-time.  In those cases, especially with those that don't know me, how can I expect them to get pronouns right 100% of the time?  But yet I see people who seem to think that this should be the case and then being upset over an incorrect pronoun.  Look, I'm not saying that I should have to be in a dress to hear she/her/ma'am/etc, but if I were to walk up to a complete stranger dressed in a male tuxedo, no makeup, a bald head, and speak in a deep voice - well then how can I be surprised if they drop a he/him/sir/etc on me?  Well for me personally I wouldn't be; but there are those that are and I really think they need to re-evaluate those expectations.

Another expectation that come to mind are employers - this is one of those places where I let my own expectations get too positive, though as I've touched on this before I won't revisit it here.  Yes, in a perfect world, employers would be supportive, or at a minimum accepting of an employee transitioning.  However, there are plenty that aren't and in those cases even if there are legal protections, it is possible for an employer to find their way around them if they really want to.  Yet I still see a great many people that for example feel that as long as they live in a state with legal protections that their employer won't make things an issue.  In many cases that is true, but to have a blind expectation of it, well that's just begging for disappointment in my opinion.

There are plenty of other things I could talk about, and even go the other way where people have an expectation that they can "never pass" when in fact with enough effort they probably could.  Or people that feel their wife/girlfriend/SO/family/etc would never be supportive when in fact they just might surprise them; but I think I've made my point.  As I said above, I'm not advocating having low expectations as I tend to do, but rather simply having realistic expectations.  I really do believe that doing so goes a long way towards being happy and having a successful transition.

- M

My Few Cents On Caitlyn Jenner....

While I should probably be working on J's dinner at the moment, I've got it mostly prepped and she hasn't dinged me that she's leaving work so I thought I'd kill some time here.  I've got a couple of other topics that need to get finished, one a "submissive update" since that is among the most popular topics I write about; and the other being another post in my little "Transitioning 101" series - this one about "bathrooms", but those are probably left for another time when I know I can finish them without interruptions.  I initially had envisioned this topic as more of a "current events" topic covering my thoughts on things such as the Confederate Flag, the recent Supreme Court decision on same sex marriage, and a few other things - including some thoughts on Caitlyn Jenner.  However, the longer I thought about things, the more I felt that my thoughts on Caitlyn Jenner - specifically with regards to the LGBT community towards her - could more than fill out a post on their own, so here I am.

I will say that I almost didn't write on this topic as I'm sure my views may not be popular with many who do read this blog - but after thinking about that, if I can't share my own thoughts here then where can I share them.  As always I'm always open to discuss alternative views, and I know that many have them on this topic, so feel free to comment publicly or privately if you so desire.  I'll also say that I'll probably ramble some (well more than normal) on this subject as I haven't taken the time to gather my thoughts as much as I should.  So that being said, let me start by sharing a couple of personal thoughts regarding Ms. Jenner.  I know how I felt over the probably 30 years that I envisioned transitioning to a woman before I actually was able to, so I'm incredibly happy for her that she's now able to transition and live as herself.  For that matter, I'd even go as far as saying I'm perhaps a touch jealous.  I feel that she looks great and appears to be very happy.  Not that I'm not happy, I am - at least for the most part; but she definitely looks far better than I ever will.

And that actually leads me into the point I most wanted to talk about and that is some of the vitriol I've seen directed her way.  And I'm not talking about the (unfortunate) typical stuff from the world in general; but rather what I've seen from some in the Transgender community itself.  Look, I get it.  She's wealthy and famous enough to be able to do things that some/many/most of us who are transitioning may never be able to.  Obviously she dropped a lot of money on FFS - I've seen estimates in the $70,000 price range; and for the vast majority of us transitioning that's simply not feasible.  But it frustrates me to no end to see her getting ripped on by some in the Transgender community because she has the means to be able to afford to spend that kind of money towards her transition.  I know if I had that kind of financial wherewithal, I'd probably not only have already had GRS; but I'd like have had FFS, BA, and maybe even voice surgery.  And truthfully how many Trans-women wouldn't do the same if they were in Ms. Jenner's position?  I'm sure there is at least someone out there who would choose to be completely altruistic and do little or even nothing for themselves and dedicate all of their resources to others, but truthfully how many really would?  Maybe before condemning her for choosing to have had the FFS, or anything else she chooses to do, the people doing so should give that some thought before saying anything else derogatory towards her regarding this.

Another sore point with me are people condemning Ms. Jenner for "not being a part of the community".  I do try and avoid putting words in others mouths, but it appears that a lot of the criticism on this point comes from some of the things Ms. Jenner says and/or how she says them.  Look, I cannot speak for her, maybe she doesn't consider herself part of the "community"; and if so I suppose a case could be made that she truly isn't due to her financial and social standing.  But personally, I don't believe that and I think those that are using things she's said to come to that conclusion should perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt at this point.  Could some of the things she's said been said better and/or more eloquently?  Probably.  But can any of us say we've never said things that we couldn't have said better?  And I'm talking about the population in general.  For those of us who have, are, or are considering transitioning, I think saying things that could be said better is a reasonably common occurrence.  I know for myself that once J and I decided that transition was right for me/us, that I went through a time where I was guilty of this.  I was excited, I was anxious, I was a lot of things; and as such I didn't always take enough time to think about some of the things I said and did.  Did that make me a bad person?  I don't think so.  My intentions weren't bad, nor do I believe Ms. Jenner's to be bad.  Can I say that with 100% certainty?  Of course not, but until she out and out proves me to be incorrect on this I for one am going to err on her side.

But regardless of if she is or isn't a part of the "community", and regardless of my feelings towards the entire Kardashian clan, I do think Ms. Jenner has been an overall plus for the "community" to this point.  Yes, in many ways she's an exception due to her financial and social status and as such she doesn't have the struggles that some/many/most of us in the community do.  However, if nothing else, she's increased the visibility of the community and I believe that to be a good thing.  Not everybody can be a Janet Mock for example.

I guess I should cut this off, I didn't get it finished before I had to work on J's dinner and it's not 5am and I've been up for a couple of hours prepping her breakfast and lunch for work and I need to get back to that.  I know I rambled here (more than usual), but I really do think that by and large that at least to this point that Caitlyn Jenner deserves better than she's gotten from many in the LGBT community and that's disappointing to me.

- M