How Much To Share?

This is a topic that I've fought with since I started to transition.  In my mind the question really is two questions:

1)  How much to share with friends/family?
2)  How much to share with everyone else?

For me the first one is actually the more difficult one to answer.  Obviously J knows about everything.  M knows almost everything, but on occasion I spare her certain particulars.  Beyond that, there isn't much family I communicate with.  I generally don't talk about much with my daughter unless it directly affects her - such as when J and I went out of town for surgery.  M's husband, well I'm assuming she shares things with him, but in general I don't.

For those that aren't clear on "my family", let me touch on it a bit.  My "birth family" - well I have no real contact with them for various reasons.  When I say "family" I'm talking about what I refer to as my "chosen family" and that consists of:

• My wife "J"
• My daughter - I've always refer to her as that in this blog, but going forward I think she will be "P"
• My ex-wife "M".  This one is the one that most people have trouble wrapping their heads around.  We were married for just short of 10 years.  We were a horrible married couple for a lot of reasons, our age, our maturity levels, etc.  It didn't help that we shared a house with my mom, sister, etc (my mother and I had bought right after I got married).  She finally decided she wanted a divorce which crushed me and it was a little dicey for a couple of months.  However, while we did divorce we became great friends; I now refer to her as my "best friend" and more the last few years, my "sister".  Obviously not by blood, but that's how I see her.  We ended up moving back in together into a townhouse while we looked for a house.  As I said we had become good friends at the time and it would allow our daughter to grow up in one household.  She had a second (very short lived) husband who moved it, but that lasted only a few months before they divorced and he was gone.  We eventually found a new house that was nearly complete and we (M, P, and myself) planned on moving in along with M's grandfather.  Her grandmother had recently passed and her grandfather was starting to have trouble living on his own.  Unfortunately in between us closing on the house and moving in, he passed as well.  By now I had met J and she moved in with me/us.  M would eventually get married for a third time and her husband moved in as well.  So as it stands now we have a reasonably nice 4 bedroom home for the 5 of us.
• M's husband who I think I will now refer to as M2.  :)

It's definitely not a "traditional" family, but it works for us, at least for the most part.  There are issues from time to time, but no different than the issues that M and I had when living with my birth family.  Additionally, she's not family, but I do mention "D" from time to time.  She's a former co-worker of mine that transitioned a couple of years prior to me and was really the push I needed to pursue it myself.  I can't say enough wonderful things about her.

Now that I've given you more information that you probably need or wanted to know, let's move on.  Beyond my "chosen family", the only other family I really interact with are one uncle/aunt (my dad's brother) and one of their daughter-in-laws who has went out of her way to be friendly with J and I.  

I basically handle them the same way I handle the people I consider "friends" and that's via Facebook.  I share certain things there, such as pictures of me/J, and other stuff; but not a whole lot of really personal things.  But it always becomes an internal debate as how much to really share and how personal to get.  I know they care and such (more the three family members than the friends do I would think), but I also don't want to over burden them with anything as I know they have their own concerns, issues, etc., and don't need to be pondering mine.

As far as "everyone else", I think that's a more interesting question than the friends/family.  Maybe I'm wrong in that, but to me with family and/or friends you know them and can make determinations as to how they can/will handle things and the like.  With "everyone else" and by "everyone else" I really mean publicly via the Internet.  Once something is out there, it won't ever go away and while a huge majority of people don't seem to care (see Facebook <G>), it's a bigger concern for those of us who are transitioning as it can affect not only our own personal lives, but those of friends and family, employment and so on.  

From my observation there are three broad categories here; those that choose to share nothing or virtually nothing and are basically "stealth"; those that share about everything; and then everybody else.  I believe I've been a part of all three of those groups in the last twenty months, starting with the first one.

When I first chose to transition as I've discussed previously I spoke with J, M, and D; although by the time I spoke with D I had made my decision and that was more of a Q&A session over lunch with her, M, and I.  However, I really didn't share with anybody else, even at home.  I had been cross-dressing for years around the house so I figured my daughter wouldn't notice much of anything anyway - and as far as M2 goes I figured M shared with him and I didn't need to.  But I kept quiet on places such as Facebook and Susan's Place where I did a lot of reading and such, but didn't post anything, and so on.  I didn't even tell any friends beyond D.  

After my first therapist session that sort of changed and I moved into that "everyone else" stage where I started sharing some things.  I had walked out of there feeling absolutely wonderful and I guess the word would be empowered.  I proceed to create a new Facebook account for Madison and started slowing adding selected friends.  I tended to be very choosy about who I added as I knew certain people may tell others and I wanted to remain in control of who knew.  I started posting on Susan's Place, including some pictures and I felt good.  This stage continued for a long time for me, probably a year or so.

About six months ago, I decided I was going to be more open and I opened up my Facebook account privacy and started this blog.  Now I had closed my account on Susan's, but it wasn't about being private, but for other reasons that I've covered previously.  In addition, more recently I've tried to become at least semi-active on the AskTransgender subreddit; and I was recently invited into a couple of relevant Google Groups.  I do now try and share about everything.  Initially that wasn't my intention, it was more to share those public experiences, be it shopping, dining out, legal things such as the way court worked for me for my name/gender change, and so on.  I always wanted to read everything I could about "real-world" experiences in regards to transitioning, and I wanted to try and give back by sharing mine.  But over time I've found I spend more time writing personal things.  I know they aren't nearly as beneficial as the non-personal things I post about, but I think it's a good outlet for me.  I'm probably sharing more than I should and it may well come back to bite me someday; but for now it's a risk I'm willing to take.

I guess I should go, work calls.  Have a great day.