Friday, April 4, 2014

How Life Changes...For Me, For Her, For Us


After a (little) bit of prodding, I did manage to convince "J" to write something for the blog.  Partially because I've been slacking a bit here lately, but mostly because I thought some might enjoy hearing from her.  What is below is completely hers (minus a couple of edits for spelling), enjoy.

- M

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When I got the email that changed “us” forever I feared the worst. I figured we would not make it, she would want someone new, or that she would become another statistic and commit suicide as so many on her journey had. I also figured this process would be quicker. Well, in short I was wrong about everything except one…I still love her and I do more than I ever thought possible.

Madison is the only person I see when I look at her. I do not see “<her old name>” or a boy. I see a woman, or “my girl” as I like to call her. Even when she has to wear icky boy clothes for work I see a woman.

Life has not been easy, but if it was then the world would not have poverty, war, hate, violence, child abuse, animal abuse and all the other horrible things that people do to themselves and others. I wish every day that Madison saw the real changes in herself more—she is happier, has softer skin than me, nicer style than me, pretty make-up, a laugh and sense of humor I would kill for, the sweetest pout when she is sad, great cooking skills, and a glow that lights up the darkest night. Will she ever be a model, perhaps not, but she is pretty to me. She has gotten silly sometimes, she is a much happier, sweeter, kinder person than she was when this started.

I have always loved her no matter what, but sometimes in the past things were really hard. Madison has always been a perfectionist and that includes in improving the lives of those around her. She has been held to high standards her whole life and she holds others to similar ones. While that is actually an admirable thing, to want others to be their best it has caused a ton of fights.

Since her transition started Madison has put a lot of energy into not being so forceful with her wanting others to change. We still fight, but at least the fights are quick and then we spend good time making up for the fight. Before when we fought it could be hours before we “made up”.

I think the biggest change for me though is seeing Madison want to be Madison. While she still gets mad at herself for not having real hair or struggling with clothes that flatter, she wants to go out and she doesn’t care if people don’t like her at first glance. Before she walked a few steps behind M or I, but now she is next to me or even in front of me. She is aware of how people see her, and that others may never accept who she is, but at least she does not care enough about close-minded people’s views anymore so that she is limited by us going out.

There is one issue with this acceptance of herself. That is me. I don’t always think in the protective stance anymore. I used to worry about her going out alone, or us going somewhere new. While I loved her for who she was/is I knew others did not even want to be around her and it really worried me, to the point of fear, that someone would hurt her. Now that she does not care who stares or makes mean comments, I don’t always think about the places that I want us to go and the risk that I might place us in by going to those places. For example, when looking at restaurants I never thought about bar and grill places being an issue until she brought up that lots of them are more bar and a bar is not a good place sometimes for women. Another example is a concert. I got us tickets to see Billy Joel. Well the concert might be fine, but it will take us to downtown Saint Louis on a Friday night. Not a great idea. Here’s the point, I don’t think about these things until Madison brings them up and then we tend to have a disagreement, because in my mind I am trying to do something nice. The reality is that no matter how nice the act if someone gets hurt the niceness of the act was not worth it.

That has been one of the biggest issues for us both—accepting that people will not accept us. I know the homosexual community still faces a lot of hate, but transgender tends to get it worse. If Madison passes then we are seen as a lesbian couple. If she does not pass she gets hated on for trying to be something she is not and I risk hate as well for accepting and loving her for who she is now.  I know some of our homosexual friends might disagree, but having our marriage in limbo is upsetting for me as well. I guess I should just be happy that we live in a state that does still ignore her gender change and see us as married. I just wish that we could be married as two women, women who are accepted for who they are.

Overall, I am the happiest I have even been with anyone. I have been with men and women, and now a man who has become a woman, and I would not trade her for the world. Even I have to be the husband to make things “fit” for others, I’ll be the boy as long as she and I can be happy. 

- J

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