The first few times I went out shopping it was mostly with M, due to J's schedule and it was uncomfortable to say the least. I just *knew* everyone was staring at me; and looking back now they probably were. Not because of my appearance, even though it was definitely not what it is today; but rather I stood out because I was nervous and lacked any confidence in myself. I *felt* like a guy, and as such instead of actually shopping I was spending my efforts in "hiding" in M's shadow and that was a huge mistake on my part. Now let me say that I never had any "issues" with anyone, be it other customers or employees where we were shopping, but in my mind I had all of these ideas of what they were thinking. Again in hindsight, that was foolish on my part.
I've worked some part-time retail before as I've mentioned and I would from time to time see cross-dressers and/or trans-women in there, it wasn't something that occurred all that often and unfortunately most of them did not "pass" very well and they did stand out. Now personally, I always admired the fact that they were out shopping, be it by themselves (most of the time) or with a cis-female, but more often than not they did garner a lot of attention that they probably didn't want and this was always in the back of my mind. I can only speak for myself, but passing does have importance to me; but not necessarily for the reason most would think. Yes, I want to be accepted as a woman, I won't deny that; but the reason it was more important to me was that I was generally with M or J or both and I didn't want them to have to put up with anything because of me and my appearance. Now I've learned over time that they both care, albeit in their own ways, about me enough that it wasn't ever something that they were concerned with; but foolishly I was and it greatly affected how I handled being out in public as Madison.
Over time things eased for me, both shopping, and being out in public in general and shopping became less of a chore and I actually started to enjoy it. Now I cannot say that I want to spend two hours in a thrift store like M does; but I can now manage to do so without bailing for the car after a few minutes. I won't say that I'm fully 100% comfortable with using dressing rooms as Madison, but I do use them and haven't had any issues. In fact as with almost everything to do with my transition it's went so well I really feel almost guilty about it as I know for a lot of trans-women (well I'm sure trans-men too), they do have issues.
With all of that being said I'd like to repeat a few things from earlier posts that are relevant to this topic:
- Be confident and act like you belong. Passing is as much about confidence as anything else, and if you feel like you belong you will be surprised at how much better things will be for you. You may or may not pass, but at least you will be able to enjoy the experience a lot more regardless.
- If per chance you aren't treated well at a store don't hesitate to complain. Now, if you're like me, you may not be overly comfortable doing that in person - although I have at times when the situation dictated that it was the right thing to do. But even if it's only a phone call or email to their corporate office or owner, you should let somebody know about what went on so that hopefully it can be corrected. Now if it's a small shop and it was the owner; well then I suppose it "is what it is", but you can spend your money elsewhere and let people know how you were treated. But I would think that in general that this wouldn't be the case as especially with small businesses, it's often a struggle to stay afloat and the LGBTQ community can make a difference.
- On the same note, if you are treated well, let people know. Be it feedback to corporate again so that they know that you are happy, be it simply sharing with others, those are the kinds of businesses that need the support and should be nurtured. I'm not saying that it should even be about LGBTQ at this point, excellent service should be recognized. Now in the case of what I'd call "trans-friendly" businesses, I know that I appreciate knowing about those and I'm sure others do as well.
- If you are out shopping, the last thing you want to do is to get to the checkout and start making excuses about what you are buying. As I've said before the vast majority of cashiers could care less, but as soon as you start doing this you stand out and make the cashier care and will draw unwanted attention to yourself. Now maybe you don't care about the attention, but I know I do and I'm sure others do and if I can impart any advice at all, this stands out.
- I would say the same thing applies to buying clothing - don't tell a sales person/floor associate something like "it's for my wife/girlfriend/daughter/whatever and we're about the same size" or something along those lines. Now I'm not saying that you can't be the same size, J and I on occasion can share certain tops, and before my daughter lost weight we wore similar sizes in pants, but reality is that it's not often the case. If you've made it that far and are actually looking for clothes, then be honest and let them help. Even though it may well be hard (it was for me), you'll be so much happier in the long run as you'll get things that fit and you'll likely get some good advice from people who deal with clothes every day - be it on sizing, coordinating, or even caring for them. You're there to spend money, and they're there to see that you do, so while you might run across an exception to this, in general they *want* to help, so let them. And if they don't want to help, then see the point above about letting people know that.
- If you're just starting to acquire clothing and aren't sure of sizes, thrift stores are excellent places. For example around here Goodwill is prominent and they have several nice new stores with unisex dressing rooms. You can find plenty of things very cheap and try them on without having to stress over using a dressing room in the "women's area" or dragging women's clothes to the "men's area" of a department store. And at least at the ones around here there is no "attendant" at the dressing room so it made it much easier for me early on. I'm not saying that you shouldn't use dressing rooms wherever, quite the contrary. I won't say I'm 100% comfortable everywhere I go, but for the most part I am, but it took time and early on places like Goodwill were great for me to actually try things on and get ideas on sizing and such.
- You don't have to spent a lot of money to look nice. D.E.B. for example, we've been in there on clearance and I've picked up a 7 or 8 tops for under $50. Granted, when you wait for clearance it's hit or miss, but if you aren't overly picky and don't have to have the "in style" then and there, it's a great way to build a wardrobe. Same with Wal-Mart and other stores. Even more expensive stores tend to clearance things out at the end of a season. Once you have a wardrobe assembled, it's much easier to splurge on that top or pair of shoes you just "have to have".
I think I've rambled on long enough now, probably too long. But at least for me shopping as Madison and for Madison was a challenge and from what I've read on Reddit, Laura's, and so on I know I'm not the only one. You may never enjoy it as much as I've come to; but it shouldn't be a traumatic experience like it often is either.
- M
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