"It Was A Good Day"....

Over the first 40+ years of my life I've never had much self-esteem.  There are tons of reasons for it, among them; I started school earlier than almost everyone else around me - I was still 16 at the start of my senior year of high school when most of my friends were 17 going on 18.  I was fairly small even for my age; I was a touch chubby despite the fact that I was 125lbs as a senior; I wore glasses/contacts; and my social skills were severely lacking.  Add all of that to the fact that I was what many called a "nerd".  I'm by no means brilliant or anything, but I did actually make it into MENSA (though I long since have let my membership lapse).  Part of it was that I went through school younger than everyone else, but a larger part of it was that my mother sheltered me significantly.  I'm not complaining about that, she did what she felt was right and that's fine; but it did keep me from developing socially.  In fact none of those things are complaints, simply what I see as contributing factors looking back now.

Over the years I dealt with the lack of self-esteem by becoming more and more introverted; to the point that I would seldom leave the house if I could avoid it.  When I was in an environment where I had to be "social", I would often become self-deprecating which only served to make things worse for me.  This went on through my first marriage (to M) and divorce and continued on to my current marriage to J.  It caused a lot of issues with M; J on the other hand was far more understanding - even if she may not have liked how things were; especially the fact that I would pick on myself.

Then came the decision to transition.  I was going to leave my old self behind and become Madison.  Well, at first it was status quo, or perhaps worse.  I was so unsure of myself, my appearance, my mannerisms, my voice, and pretty much everything else about me that I became even more reclusive.  Other than a few therapist visits, the next few months were really me "playing at transitioning" - by that I mean I would go out as Madison as long as I had J and/or M (or preferably both) with me and even then we didn't stay out long and I tended to "hide in their shadows" as much as possible.

Finally, a few months later, right around my birthday I made the decision that I had to either do it or not do it, but I couldn't continue to play around.  J and M helped me get rid of all my male clothes and I started going out more often.  I still wasn't happy with how I looked, and so on; but I was finally starting to make an effort to do something about it.  I started to pay attention to cis-women when we were out, watching their mannerisms, interactions, attire, and so on.  I only went out as Madison; although I still didn't get out all that much, and it was still always with J and/or M.  But it was progress.

I started HRT a few months later, and continued to see my therapist.  I started to become more comfortable getting out and about and finally last September (about the time J got back from training) I started venturing out on my own a bit.  Places I felt safe and at least semi-confident such as some local grocery stores; I made some solo visits to the therapist, my doctors, the place where I'm having laser done and so on.  It wasn't necessarily easy, but over the last few months I've become much more confident, to the point where I don't even give going out a second thought.  In fact, as much as I like to go out with J and/or M, I really enjoy going out by myself as well.  My voice is still a problem, but for the most part it's not a huge issue, though I'm still not happy with it.

What does all of this have to do with the topic, especially six paragraphs in?  Well, I had sort of an epiphany tonight.  J happened to be off - the first of her three days, and a friend of mine/ours had asked us to dinner with her and another friend.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to go; I had a laser appointment in the afternoon and I have a colonoscopy Monday (TMI I know <G>) which means I'll be basically fasting tomorrow and doing the prep in the evening so it's going to be an unpleasant day.  However, I hadn't been out with these friends in several months and they are really the only ones who have went out of their way to be with me in public so I committed J and I to go.

The laser appointment was for the back of my neck and shoulders, although I ended up just having the neck done as there was some confusion on their end - which truthfully agitated me, but I like them enough that I'll get over it.  The appointment itself went well, the pain was minimal, and we actually ran into D there - it turned out her appointment was the one before mine.  It was really nice to see her, she's transitioned so well, she's an inspiration to me.

J and I got home and we only had to rush to get ready which normally stresses me; but it didn't tonight.  Normally I tend to "overdress" a bit as I don't get out as much as I'd like and I want to look nice.  Well, I decided to go more casual than normal, although at the last minute I traded my jeans for a skirt.  M took care of my makeup since I was in a hurry and I'm still really slow at it, she did a nice subtle job.  My hair was a joint effort as I've spent a lot of time practicing with it lately as I've not been very happy with it - at least not since the picture that is my profile photo which is several months old now.  It actually came out fairly nice tonight, not quite as nice as the profile photo, but close enough to make me happy.  My outfit is below:

J took the above photo as we were in a hurry and M needed to get back to bed.  I took a look at it in the car on the way to dinner and I was exceptionally happy with how I looked.  As it turned out, only one of our two friends was able to make it for dinner, but the three of us had what I thought was a great time.  Maybe I'm being overly positive, but I seemed to be far more outgoing than normal and it felt nice.  Then on our way home, J & I stopped by the grocery store to grab a few things and I not only felt good, but I had a good time.  I'd almost say that I was "playful".  Now the store wasn't overly busy, but there were people shopping and I didn't give them a second thought.  No hiding in J's shadow, no avoiding people, none of that.  I've never felt this confident and happy before.  I've had good days in the past, but never anything as good as this.  I cannot say that I will never have a bad day again, but I think if I do that they will be a rare thing.  I still have more weight to lose (I've lost about 40lbs so far), my voice still needs work, but really in the big picture of my life those are things I can accomplish.  

Transitioning to Madison has made me into a better person, a happier person, a more confident person.  For perhaps the first time in my life today I actually had some self-esteem.  For the first time I was able to go out and not have a single worry about my outfit, my hair, my makeup, or anything else.  I felt good, I was happy, I had my wonderful wife to spend time with me, I got to see some friends, what more could I ask for?  To borrow a line from Ice Cube, "It Was A Good Day".

- M

A Followup To J's Post

I thought I'd take a moment to add some thoughts to the entry J wrote that I posted earlier this morning.  In general I seem to paint a very rosy picture of things, and I think that's fairly accurate.  That being said, life for us is not all "Rainbows and Unicorns".  We do have disagreements like probably virtually all married couples.  There are days that one or both of us is crabby or mopey.  There are days when M, M2, or P get on our nerves or us theirs.  That being said though, I wouldn't trade the life I have now for anything.  The few downs that we do have are a drop in the ocean of ups we have.

J also made references to her past and how it affects/affected us; and those were true.  However, I obviously have a past as well and the difference is that a large part of that past (and present) involves M.  The fact that we share the house does throw that in J's face on a daily basis, and has to make it hard on her sometimes; but yet she handles it with grace that I probably wouldn't have if the situations were reversed.  The way *I* see it is that our pasts matter, you cannot avoid that as those things do help define who we are today.  However, it would not matter to me what her past was as I love J for who she is and I believe she loves me for who I am.

Beyond that there really was not anything I did not agree with and I appreciate her taking the time to write it.  I'm by no means a blogging expert, much less an expert on Blogger itself; but I did find that I could add her as an author to this blog which I have done.  Hopefully, she will be a regular contributor going forward.  I will close this with a photo of us from yesterday.  Please ignore the squinting as we were staring pretty much directly into the sun - lesson learned. :)

- M

So, Maybe This Isn't What I Signed Up For.... - Part 2

This is the second half of a response that J wrote to a post I made the other day -  This Isn't What She Signed Up For.

Part 1 is HERE

As with the first post, this is her speaking other than some minor spelling/grammar edits on my part.  Additionally, as I mentioned in the top of the first part, I know some (most?) Trans-women and Trans-men, prefer to be referred to by their chosen gender.  Don't get me wrong, I do as well; however, when people talk about me "pre-Madison", I'm just fine with them using male pronouns.  In fact I prefer it.  That's how I presented in those days and to refer to me as "she/her/etc" when talking about those days I feel is rewriting history so to speak.  You may or may not agree with that and that's fine, but I would ask that you respect my choice in this matter just as I'd respect your choice.  As such, when J talks about me, "pre-Madison" in this post she will refer to me as "he/him" and that is by *my choice*.  Thanks...

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            <Her Old Name>/Madison did not sign up for a lot of things either.  When we got together she did not know about my past, my Dom, my bisexual relationships and the lot.  As those things came out eyebrows were raised quite a few times, and questions were asked, but love was always given.  <Her Old Name> loved me for me.  I’m a hard person to live with.  When I got together with <Her Old Name> I had only been on meds for my bi-polar for less than four years.  Now four years sounds like a long time, but when one battles manic and depressive mood swings than change faster than stock prices on Wall Street it’s hard to manage, much less have anyone else be around for them.  I’m also weird with food, clothes, make-up, sleep, cleaning, friends, driving, family, school, and lots of other things.  In short I’m hard to handle and deal with.  Yet, <Her Old Name> loved me for me.  He loved the person inside, the one I don’t let people see.  He loved me and pushed me to be better every day and love myself.  I still get that from Madison.  I also am loved more than I ever could have imagined, but it has not been easy for <Her Old Name> or Madison to love me.

            I will say that the transition to Madison is the best challenge that has happened to us.  I was upset for a long time that it was not easy and that the world just did not accept us and her.  My parents were very accepting, which was a big fear that Madison had.  However, other things have not been so easy.  There have been disagreements with Madison and her therapist about legal wording for Madison to get her name and gender changed.  Her HRT has made her emotional, sometimes to the point that she felt very depressed.  The expense and travel has also been a struggle.  We have fought over money for her transition.  It is also really hard on days I have to work and she has appointments, especially the ones in Colombia, MO.  I try to be really supportive, but not being there when she needs me hurts me.

            We do have M, the ex-wife, who is a great part of the support system.  She is also the one who has the skills I envy - style, hair, and make-up.  This is another struggle I face.  I should be the one who helps Madison get ready, but I have never been a girly girl so my make-up, hair, and clothing (picking out) skills are pretty weak.  M comes in and does a great job every time, but it does make me sad that even when I watch how she does things I cannot reproduce it.  When we went to Detroit for Madison’s surgery I could not get her ready as well as M can and I know it frustrates her.  It also means that if we are going out somewhere for a long time we have to plan around M’s hours so she can do Madison’s make-up.  I don’t mind at all, anymore to be honest here, that M does Madison’s make-up and so on, but I feel like a failure to Madison in this area of support.

            I think the hardest part at the beginning aside from not being able to help Madison with hair and make-up was the stress of worrying about her.  It has gone away for the most part now, but it does come back; for example with her major hormone shift when she first went on HRT and again after her surgery.  But worrying about her and us to degree I have was not something I signed up for.  I have spent many long nights while she is sleeping or working and thinking I am sleeping along with many days at work worrying about her.  When she first brought up the idea I look at the stats.  The ones about the major increase in suicides for people who transition.  The huge divorce/break-up rate for relationships that were established before the transition started, and so on.  I freaked out a lot.  I shared some of this concern with Madison at the start, but a lot of it I kept to myself.  I never wanted to discourage her.  But I do still worry about her and us.  A lot has changed and that puts strain on both of us and our relationship.  While it has made us closer, change is hard for anyone.

           

            The other part that is really hard is disappointment.  When she has a bad day or she feels progress is not being made as we thought it would I just want to comfort her.  We have been trying to lose weight.  She has had some medical issues which has made this much more difficult than we ever thought possible.  This really gets tough for her to handle some days and a lot of those days I am at work.  I do try to comfort her, but knowing how upset I get with things I can’t fault her for being upset.  Other disappointments come in the form of actions or inaction from me.  For example, I take a long time to complete some tasks that she needs help with and she gets bored and sore waiting for me to get finished.  Basic everyday couples fights become bigger disappointments now.  Our relationship is so special that when we have a disagreement or fight the fallout is even worse.  It upsets me more now than ever as I see her as a success story compared with the struggles some people we have talked too or seen on support groups.  Madison has her name changed, her female marker on her drivers license (today, yea), breasts, soft skin, less and less body hair, a slimmer face and body, pretty clothes, great hair, and a personal make-up stylist who does a great job, and a wonderful and positive outlook on life.  I just hate to make dark clouds hang out on that, and to make the few rough days rougher.

            So no, I did not sign up for a wife or all the changes that went on to make Madison my wife.  However, aside from asking for her medical issues to be solved, and a few less blunders that cause bad days I can honestly say this is a best marriage, relationship, and love I could have ever known. 

- J

So, Maybe This Isn't What I Signed Up For.... - Part 1

Well, after a little prodding three weeks ago my wonderful wife J wrote a little something for the blog here.  I was pleasantly surprised the other day when she told me she wanted to write something else for the blog.  What is below is once again hers as written (well with a couple of spelling/grammar edits), it's sort of a response/follow-up to a post I made the other day - This Isn't What She Signed Up For.

As it was a lengthy post, I've broken it up into a couple of parts.  Without further ado, we have "So, Maybe This Isn't What I Signed Up For"....

One note, I know some (most?) Trans-women and Trans-men, prefer to be referred to by their chosen gender.  Don't get me wrong, I do as well; however, when people talk about me "pre-Madison", I'm just fine with them using male pronouns.  In fact I prefer it.  That's how I presented in those days and to refer to me as "she/her/etc" when talking about those days I feel is rewriting history so to speak.  You may or may not agree with that and that's fine, but I would ask that you respect my choice in this matter just as I'd respect your choice.  As such, when J talks about me, "pre-Madison" in this post she will refer to me as "he/him" and that is by *my choice*.  Thanks...

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            Madison always says “this isn’t what you signed up for” when talking about us and her transition.  Perhaps she is right, as much as that pains me to say.  I did not sign up for a wife, hell our state would not really allow that - not that my gay and lesbian friends are not married to their partners, they are just not legally which is painful.  But no, I fell in love with someone who was a man when I met them.  I married them when they were a man and several years into our relationship that man asked if it would be okay with me (basically the overall point of her email to me) if he became a she.

            I agreed right away.  I had no doubts.  I loved the person not the gender.  I loved the soul and the mind.  I loved the body too, but the parts on the body made no difference to me.  Maybe it was because I am bisexual and to me sex parts are fun no matter what they are.  Perhaps it was simply that, but I’d like to believe that the “parts” were only a small piece of my choice to say yes to Madison and her transition.  What I really believe was that it was my love for her that allowed me to say yes without second thought.  Now, as Madison will tell you I tend to shoot first and ask questions a lot.  It is a bad habit of mine.  Another example would be my career.  I knew I wanted to go into management, but honestly I had no real idea what I was getting into.  I had to change myself a lot to be successful and while Madison warned me, I really was not prepared.  Fortunately I changed and adapted very quickly and I’d like to think I am damn good at my job, but that is another story - and one that can be told without me sounding so stuck on myself.  The point is that while I said yes to Madison’s transition I did not think about all the issues and struggles we would face.  I just blindly went into this with Madison trying to get me to open my eyes and see the bad, because the world sometimes is a bad, mean place.  I just hoped and honestly figured (see how naive I am sometimes) that because we loved each other all this would work out just fine.  Well overall it has worked out, we are not a bad statistic and neither of us regret this choice, but it was not and still is not always sunshine and rainbows like I truly thought it would be.

            Let me back up a bit.  When I was with women the gay pride movement and gays in the public eye was still pretty small.  Sure gays got some shit, but not like they do now.  It always seem whoever is fighting for equal rights at the moment becomes the bigger target.  Just as there has always been Asian, African American, and Native American along with all the other races there have been gay people - it’s just now the gay community’s turn to be hit the hardest with hate.  As I said, my experiences of being in a gay relationship were pretty good.  My parents did not approve - more my mom did not approve, my dad did not care, but back then I did not need their approval, like I do now, lol.  My girlfriends and I did get some shit from hateful people.  For example, I took one girl to a very nice restaurant on “The Hill” (Italian district in St. Louis) and we were heckled through the whole meal by a family.  They called us “dykes, w**res, dumb b**ches, immoral, and devils”.  I took it in stride because she was so upset, one of us had to be strong. She wanted to leave, but I told her we would stay just to spite them.  It was not a good move, I was her last girlfriend.  She was bisexual like me and she decided after that night it was too hard to be with another woman.  That was one of my worst moments, but overall considering that people get shot and beat enough to wind up in a coma I feel my life with other women was pretty peaceful.  A lot of people supported me.  They told me if I was happy they did not care who I was with.  I always joked that playing both sides of the field gave me more options, and it did.  I just got mixed up with some rough girls and boys and decided for a while to try to do the right thing and marry a nice boy, like doing that would fix my life somehow.

            I did marry a wonderful man, G, and we were married for a year and half before we realized we were better friends.  I was at a rough time in life.  I was trying to get myself together, get past a rough relationship (non-romantic) with a Dom who had been in my life for years.  I was also just out of semi-romantic relationships with women.  I had decided at this point that women were “great to f**k, but terrible to live with.”  I know that is not the nicest thing to say, but get burned a few times and I think you can understand.  However, I was terrible to live it, either to those women or G.  When I was with my Dom it was really dumb of me to try love as well, but I did because I craved that companionship in addition to what I had with him. G was so sweet and understanding that I fell hard for him, but he had never really had a long term girlfriend so I was his first true love, and first sexual partner and that made things awkward for us.  I had been in love several times before, had a Dom, and other unique relationships.  G wanted the white picket fence, ranch house, with kids, the love his parents had.  Part of me really wanted that lovely story, but the real part of my heart told me I would never be happy and after a while I realized I could not.  G was so understanding.  I filed for divorce on our second anniversary, no one said I had tact.  We are still friends and he is remarried and has the house and kids he wanted, so I don’t feel as terrible as I did the night I told him I could not do the married thing anymore.

            Where does this fit with M?  Well after G I got into a weird and very sexual relationship with another man, Gy.  He and I spent a while worrying more about how creative we could be with our sex life than we did about what happened once the sex was done for the night.  Needless to say it was a terrible relationship. Don’t ever live with your “f**k buddy”.  In the meantime I had taken a real liking to Madison.  Sadly, and funny in retrospective, Madison was a bit slow in noticing that I was trying to flirt with her.  I backed off for a while once I found out she was in a relationship (well he at this point, Madison was <her old name> back then).  I also had to do some real soul searching on my own. I had done some dumb stuff and had unique relationships that might have me labeled as damaged goods to someone like <her old name>.  I took a chance again and decided if he rejected me then I was damaged goods and I would just stop trying.

            Well I was very persistent and used school as an excuse to get this sweetie out his shy shell. I asked him to tutor me and that was the start of our relationship.  So here is the overall point.  I did not sign up for a girl, the emotional roller coaster of HRT, surgery, stares, worries about my parents, worries about how people see us, concerns about where to go and not go, but I did sign up for a loving, life-long relationship.  When <her old name> emailed me about starting what would evolve into Madison I had no answer other than yes.  I had fallen in love with someone who accepted all me, my past, and my issues. 

-- To Be Continued...

Finally....

After nearly 8 months of pursuing it, I finally have a *completely* updated drivers license.  New name, new photo, and a "F" for a gender marker.  I never imagined it would take so much time and energy to get to this point, but it was definitely worth it. :)

- M

This Isn't What She Signed Up For....

For whatever reasons, the last couple of days a lot of thought has been given to the decision for me to transition and how it affected not only myself, but my wonderful wife J.  It started a couple of days ago, I can't recall why, but she and I were discussing the emails/discussions we had back in June of 2012 when the subject came up.  Then on top of that, there were some "Throwback Thursday" pictures on m Facebook feed, so I posted one of J and I from the day we were married:

Suffice it to say, a few things have changed since that day.  

But the biggest change isn't the obvious one, rather it's just how much I love and cherish her.  I've written about that plenty of times, but what I'm not sure I've really talked about how the decision for me to transition came about and how J handled it.  So a flashback to June of 2012.  

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

The "seed" had been planted a week or two prior when M had our friend D over to the house.  I hadn't seen her in several years and while I had known she wanted to transition, it was only when M had ran into her recently that I found out that she had.  She looked so at ease and happy, I was actually jealous.  

M and I had went to lunch, it was a Thursday and normally lunch out was on a Friday, I'm not really sure why we chose to go that day.  Perhaps it was because J was out of town (in Alaska fishing with her parents) and I was lonely or maybe it was simply the heat, we were in the middle of a long stretch where the temperature was at/above 100 degrees and even with the AC on at home it was still hot.  Regardless we were at a local pizza place that had a lunch buffet that M really liked.  We were chatting about this and that and the subject of D came up and I mentioned how happy she was and how nice she looked and how much I envied her.  M, as she's prone to do, made an off-handed comment and moved on, but that comment hung in the back of my mind for the rest of lunch.  She simply said, "Well why don't you do it too?".  As I said, it was an off-handed comment to her that she probably didn't give a second thought to at the time.  

I think in her mind that it would be as simple as that; but in my mind all sorts of gears started to turn.  Don't get me wrong, it was something I had thought on and off about for 25-30 years, but always had reasons why it wouldn't work for me.  But now, I started to think that maybe it could work.  Truthfully, I'm not sure if I heard much of anything else she said the rest of lunch as my mind kept coming back to the thought of me actually becoming a woman.  With it being a Thursday, M had to work that night and with J out of town, we agreed to skip dinner so when we got home she went off to nap for work and I plopped back at my desk.  However, not a single ounce of work got done that afternoon.  I spent the entire afternoon and evening researching all things Transgender.  

This continued well on into the wee hours of the morning, in fact I was still up when M and M2 came home for lunch (around 3am).  I think I finally went to sleep around 5am Friday morning, having spent a good 16 hours learning everything I could.  The only real break I had was about a hour on the phone with J, during which I avoided broaching the subject as I wasn't ready to discuss it just yet.  I read about factual things such as the WPATH standards, therapy, HRT, surgery; but I also read experiences of those that had transitioned; especially those that were older such as myself and more importantly married.  I saw the statistics and the personal experiences that said a vast amount of marriages did not survive a transition.  This concerned me greatly as I loved J - to be honest not the way I love her now, but still more than I had ever loved anyone and I simply could not bear the thought of losing her.  Especially not over something that I essentially felt was "selfish".  Looking back, I no longer believe that my desire to transition was selfish, but at the time that's how I felt about it and when I finally decided to go to sleep that morning it was so I could ponder if transitioning was worth putting what I had with J at risk.

Friday, June 29th, 2012

I had to be up in a couple of hours for work, but once again not much work got done.  I had decided that I really did want to pursue transitioning, but *NOT* at the expense of J and I's marriage.  So I continued my research, but I put extra emphasis on what I considered "success stories".  I had read plenty of stories the day/night before where things had went poorly, but I wanted to try and find some where things went well.  They weren't as easy to find, but there were some out there and those really helped me make the decision to broach things with J.

So that afternoon I started on what turned into a rather lengthy email to J explaining things.  Going back and reading the email now I'm still actually impressed with the thought and detail that went into it.  It started out with things we both already knew such as my preference for things such as women's clothing, manicured nails, going shopping, and so on.  I then got into the fact that I wanted to pursue things further and that meant transitioning.  I talked about what that would mean, from therapy, to HRT, to possibly surgery.  The effects (both permanent and reversible) of HRT, and so on.  It was a very long email and I tried to answer as many of the questions that I thought she'd ask.  I didn't exactly expect any of this to be a true shock to her as she not only knew, but supported the fact that I cross-dressed and such, but after all she married <old name> as a man, and now here I was telling her I wanted to basically be her wife "Becky" (**I'll explain that at the end of this post**) now.  

I waited until we spoke that evening.  We spent a few minutes on the phone and before I let her go I let her know that I had something important I wanted to discuss with her, but there were a few considerations to that:

• I was going to send her a lengthy email that I wanted her to read.  Mainly because it was an in depth subject and I wanted her to be able to fully digest it.  Not to mention the fact that she has a nasty habit (as do I) of interrupting and I felt it was best that she get through all of what I had to say before she starting asking questions or making comments.
• I requested she NOT discuss anything from the email with ANYONE until we had talked.  This was important to me as in the past she had discussed things with her parents (among others) that I wasn't necessarily thrilled about.  Don't get me wrong, I adore her parents, but I wasn't really sure they needed to know that I wore panties for example.
• If she could not abide by those two conditions then it would need to wait until she got home in a couple of days and we could discuss in person.

She agreed to the "conditions", so I sent her the email.  I got an email response shortly thereafter, and then a follow-up phone call.  J was more supportive than I ever could have hoped.  We agreed to discuss it further when she got home in a couple of days, but I did ask her to think about what she was agreeing to in the interim as "it wasn't what she signed up for".  Her response was that she didn't care, she loved *ME*, regardless of gender, appearance, or anything else and that was NOT going to change.

The "Aftermath" Or Lack Thereof

Talking to J about things after she got home was really anti-climatic at that point.  She had given things some thought and it had only made her more certain that she would be supportive of me/us.  I once again gave her the "I know this isn't what you signed up for" spiel and once again she shot it down.  I got the same answer I had gotten before - she loved me regardless.  That's not to say she didn't do plenty of her own research and that we haven't had some bumps along the way, but all told it's been good.  No, it's been great....

To this day I stand by the "This Isn't What She Signed Up For" comment, and even now as happy as I/we are, if I had to make a choice between transitioning and keeping the woman that I love, well I'd still be <old name>.  No matter how happy it's made me to be Madison, it pales in comparison to the happiness that J brings me every moment of every day of my life.  She's everything to me, and I'd do anything for her, even if it meant wearing yucky boy clothes, and never again hearing "Madison" come from her lovely lips.

I do realize just how lucky I am, as good of a friend as M is, she could never have handled this.  The social stigma that would've went along with her being perceived a "lesbian" would have been too much for her then and now.  And from what I've read that's a common issue among married couples where one partner attempts to transition and that's a shame.  I understand it, but I wish that "love could conquer all" - I guess I'm sentimental that way.  But regardless, it has conquered all as far as J and I are concerned and for that I am and will continue to be grateful.

- M

** As promised from the above, the name "Becky" was one that I used when I was dressed up before the decision to transition came about.  I always liked that name; but when it came time to transition I decided I wanted a "clean start" to so speak so that name was out.

St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 6

Well it's been another two months since I've written a post on this subject, shame on me since this was the reason I started the blog.  One thing I'm going to start doing is to only "update" places if my overall experience changes - ie a poor experience after a prior good one, or vice-versa.  That will stop a lot of the redundancy that's shown up in these posts since we visit a lot of places repeatedly. :)

UPDATE:  Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts:  My Transgender Experiences.  Additionally, I've went back and added more links and made some updates to some of the individual entries below since over time some things have changed.

Services:

• Missouri DMV (Wentzville, Missouri) - I've been in there three times in the last six months; the first was in October to get my name changed.  Since I did *not* have my gender change yet (it was "under consideration" still), I did *NOT* go in as Madison.  I had a bit of an issue since the court order had my name reversed; not just my new name, but my birth name as well.  After pointing that out and having four or five people read the court order from beginning to end they finally changed my name.  They were *NOT* rude or anything, it was just a bit tedious.  I went back last month, a couple of days after I met the six month threshold for an actual renewal.  I wanted to get it renewed as Madison, but still as a "male" for a couple of reasons which aren't really relevant, but it was a quick and easy trip; probably about five minutes from the time I pulled up until the time I was back in my car.  This past Thursday morning, I was finally ready to go get my gender marker changed and a new picture.  J and I got there a couple of minutes after open and I was able to go directly up.  I had my court order and amended birth certificate in hand, both of which I presented.  Below there is a picture of how I was dressed; it's the same picture from my last post as I went to the Doctor after this.  Well the birth certificate didn't seem to matter, the (very nice) woman - the same one I've had the prior two times, read over it and then excused herself, I'm assuming to go speak to a supervisor.  She returned shortly and started processing it.  She had some sort of issue and had to go get someone else to come do something on the computer, but past that it went fairly smoothly.  She did actually scan my court order, which surprised me since that had not happened with my name change court order, but no big deal.  She did ask me if I wanted a new photo, which obviously I did.  All told it was probably a 15 minute process.  The "highlight" was a gentleman that came in while I was having this done and was talking with J.  Apparently part-way through the conversation he asked her if I was her "wife" which J confirmed.  Now at this point he had only seen me from the back so I'm assuming I passed 100% - I normally do from the rear, LOL.  Not sure what he thought when I turned around, but it was good for a laugh when we got into the car and she shared it with me.  All in all, this particular DMV office is always quick and efficient, even if there was one closer I'd still come out to this one.

Restaurants:

• St. Louis Wing Co (St. Louis, Missouri) - I need to correct an oversight on my part, we've been here two or three times with me presenting as Madison, I think I even mentioned it in a prior blog entry, but I've never made reference to it in one of these posts.  The food is great, we usually get the all you can eat boneless wings with fries and a drink (I believe it's $11.99 or $12.99 if you want cheese fries).  To start, you get two flavors of BONELESS wings (5 or 6 pieces I forget), an order of fries and a drink.  From there you can get one additional order at a time.  They have tons of flavors and all that I've tried are exceptional.  I really like the honey bbq and marinara w/ parmesan, but I don't think you could go wrong with any of them.  The staff has been *exceptionally* polite *every* time I've been here.  It's one of our favorite places to go both for the chicken and for how I'm treated.  :)
• Outback Steakhouse (O'Fallon, Missouri) - .I've been here twice recently, once with M after a shopping outing, and once with both J and M after we had our eyebrows done a couple of weeks ago.  Both times it was so that they could get the steak and lobster special.  Both were also for lunch on the weekend and the food and service were both excellent and just as with the Wing Co above, I was treated just as any other woman.  In fact, the first time with just M, our server actually gave her the check which made me giggle.  These two restaurants have both been great and I cannot recommend them enough.
• Ruby Tuesday (O'Fallon, Missouri) - We've also been here twice recently, first J and I after an evening laser appointment and then M, J, and I for some reason - I believe it was because M had done me a favor or something.  Again it was so that they could get some lobster tails.  One of the appeals for Ruby Tuesday was that they still have a salad bar (well "garden bar").  It doesn't have a ton of choices, but enough for me to make a decent salad.  We also shared some lobster dip which was very good.  Again, service was excellent both times - which was a bit of a surprise since the first time was late on a Tuesday evening (maybe a hour prior to close) the second was an open on a Saturday morning.  Food was also very good.  Now the first trip I was dressed "Androgynously" since it was a face laser night, so no makeup and no wig since it gets in the way of the numbing cream - bit the second I was presenting as Madison and could not have been treated nicer.  Another place we'll be returning too.  As a side note, if you sign up for their email list, they send out fairly decent coupons such as buy an entree get one 50% off and the like, and unlike some places (DEB Shops - I'm talking about you), they don't blast you with constant emails.  Highly recommended.
  
  UPDATE:  This location has closed and has since been replaced by a Denny's which we have not visited.  It's a shame as we were always happy with our experiences here.
• Longhorn Steakhouse (Chesterfield, Missouri) - J and I stopped here for lunch on our way back from the DMV / Doctor appointments last Thursday.  We arrived a bit after noon and they were semi-busy.  Our service was good, not great, but good.  In fact J and I debated this when I asked for her input on a tip.  She (nor I) really felt our server stood out, but neither of us could find anything that he did wrong either (in case anybody cares, we settled on 18% which was the middle of the "suggested" amounts on the receipt).  The food was good, I had a combo with a 1/3lb burger and a caesar salad, it came with some potato ships with some sort of cheese sauce on them that was *VERY GOOD*.  I ended up giving most of them to J as I wasn't very hungry after the experience at the Doctor, but next time we go I'll have to see if the appetizer listed is the same thing and if so we'll probably get it.  While the service itself could be debated, I was treated very nicely, just as with all the restaurants listed in this update.  Other than being a bit pricier than I had envision for lunch that day, it was good, I was treated nicely, and we will be back.
• Bandana's BBQ (Chesterfield, Missouri) - J and I ate here on our trip back from my surgery.  We hit there in the early afternoon (around 2pm) or so, so they were very slow.  Our food was very good, albeit we were a touch agitated as just before our food was to come out we were informed that they had sold a bunch of the pork and didn't have enough for her order.  However, they ended up giving her what they had along with something else, so it was handled as well as I believe it could have been.  Our service was above average, not exceptional, but good enough for us to be happy.  Our server was exceptionally polite and I felt very comfortable being there.  Once again, we will return.

Retailers:

• Sears (Mid Rivers Mall, St. Peters, Missouri) - M and I went shopping recently at Mid Rivers Mall and among the stores we visited were Sears.  We got there shortly after opening so the store was still very slow; but it was a very pleasant experience.  I did also use the bathroom there as Madison with no issues.  Anybody reading this who is not a trans-woman/trans-man, well you may not understand the stress involved with something as simply as a trip to the bathroom, but it does tend to be stressful for a lot of us.  Hopefully once I get my physical license in the next week or so with the infamous "F" for gender, I'll be more comfortable, but for now it's still hard for me; but no issues here - well other than the handicapped stall which I tried to use had a broken lock. :)
• Claire's (Mid Rivers Mall, St. Peters, Missouri) - M and I also visited here and picked up several things.  Again it was early so they weren't very busy, but the experience was very good - just like it seems to be about everywhere I go.
• Beauty Brands (St. Charles, Missouri) - M and I visited here the day we hit Outback above.  Now as I've mentioned in earlier entries, the location in Wentzville has always been great.  This location, well not so much.  The staff was borderline rude, we had stopped in there for some new OPI nail polish that M wanted - it had been announced in an email a couple of week ago.  It wasn't out, it seemed to put them out to go get it, and I felt very uncomfortable in there.  Considering I bought M four bottles of polish at $9/bottle, it would've been nice if they had been nicer.  I'm not sure if it's just the general attitude in that location or if they found me "offensive" in some way, but regardless we won't be visiting this location again.
• Home Depot (O'Fallon, Missouri) - J and I had ran in here to get a couple of things - mainly some tiles to put under my computers for my new work desks.  They were polite, although I definitely got a few stares from employees.  It wasn't enough to keep me from going back, but definitely enough that I noticed which is something that rarely happens anymore.
• GFS Marketplace (St. Peters, Missouri) - I've been in here a few times, with M, with J, with both, and even alone.  Experiences have always been very good, the staff is always polite and helpful.  We don't shop there a whole lot as they cater to more food service, daycare, etc., types of businesses which means large portion sizes, but for the things we do use - especially if you catch them on sale, well it's a good place to shop in those cases.  I would never hesitate to shop there on my own.

I think that will do for now. :)

- M

Feeling Violated

This may be TMI for some and if so I apologize in advance, but I needed to get this off of my chest.

I've had bathroom issues for a long time.  My gall bladder was removed 10 or 12 years ago and upon doing so, I became one of those people that had to use the bathroom after every meal.  I did not expect that, nor was I apprised of the possibility (and apparently it happens to a lot of people), but it wouldn't have mattered the pain from the gall stones made that surgery decision for me.  Things didn't really change until I went on HRT.  I was already on blood pressure medication that included a water pill (diuretic) and when the Doctor supervising my HRT prescribed my Estradiol and Spiro, she expressed concern about constipation.  Well I more or less ignored that, partially because I was excited to start the HRT and partially because I figured it wouldn't be an issue with me because of the gall bladder surgery.

Well, I was wrong.  I've battled constipation now for 16 months and it's been bad enough at times to prompt Doctor's visits and one ER visit.  The fact that I'm exercising (and sweating) now seems to have made it worse, I just can't seem to get enough liquids in. Well, M and I got into it about two weeks ago over this, it hurt my feelings at the time, but she was right.  When it would get so bad that I had "sulfur burps", I was so miserable, I was making the house a miserable place to be and she felt I needed to suck it up and see a specialist.  I'll be honest, I wasn't keen about that idea as when they were trying to diagnose the gall bladder all those years ago I had all sorts of tests - upper gi, colonoscopy, etc., and none of them were pleasant.  But after thinking about it the next couple of days I realized she was right.

So a couple of days ago, J and I went to see a specialist.  I had just renewed my license and changed my gender marker that morning so I was dressed as Madison with a license that now has a "F" for gender (albeit the temporary paper license).  I thought I looked nice enough, I've had better days, but considering how I felt I thought it wasn't too bad.

So we get there and I fill out the paperwork and that obviously threw them for a loop since the insurance is in J's name, but really none of their business.  A nurse finally takes me back and tells me to undress from the waist down, lie on the table facing the wall and cover myself with the sheet.  Now she said sheet, I say a large piece of paper, but whatever.  I had (foolishly) left my phone in my purse across the room so I had no real idea of the time, but based upon the number of songs that played overhead, I'd guess 20-30 minutes I laid there.  Long enough that I (more than once) considered getting dressed and leaving.  However, each time I decided to stay as I knew I needed to see what's wrong and I was already there.  The Doctor and a  nurse finally show up and he starts asking me questions.  He then has me roll over on my back and starts feeling around my stomach area which was fine and something I semi-expected.

However, what I didn't expect was for him to actually take a peek to see what "parts" I had.  He was quick and discreet about it, but I immediately felt "violated" for lack of a better term.  If he had wanted to know all he needed to do was ask, the fact that I'm transgender is not something I make a secret of.  I started to say something and stopped as at this point I really didn't know what to say and for that matter I didn't think I could keep my composure if I said something.  He finishes the exam which was one of the most unpleasant things I've ever sat through.  I don't want to get too graphic, but he did perform a quick procedure which hurt quite a bit - now it probably wasn't as bad as I made it out to be, but it did hurt.  They told me that they'd be back in a few minutes and not to roll over as I had basically a large q-tip "up there".  All I could do was lie there and cry.  I hurt, but the tears weren't really over that, they were over the fact that he did "sneak a peek".  I'm not sure why it bothered me so bad, as like I said if he had asked I would've told him whatever he wanted to know.

She came back a few minutes later and removed the q-tip thing, and told me to get dressed.  Once I did he came back in and went over what he did, what he thinks the problem is, and what he wants to do.  Now, I've thought long and hard about this, hence the reason I haven't posted this before now, but I'm not going to name his name here as all in all he seemed like a good guy, he has great reviews, and I am going back to see him in two weeks for a (dreaded) colonoscopy.  I realize I could go somewhere else, but the little indiscretion aside, I have a lot of confidence and faith in him.  I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I just needed to vent some and this is a place I can do that.

- M

Review: White Castle's Waffle Sandwiches

Growing up one of my favorite restaurants to visit was White Castle.  At the time there wasn't one very close to us; but there was one between our house and my paternal grandparents house and we knew that if we had to go over there that Mom would make Dad stop by there on the way home which always made it worth while.  Eventually one opened up perhaps 15-20 minutes from home and I made a lot of trips there during my teenage years.  They've even been immortalized in a movie (Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle).  There's something about those little burgers that is just oh so good, especially late at night - keep in mind that when I was growing up almost nothing was open 24 hours other than gas stations, convenience stores, and places like Denny's - definitely no fast food restaurants.  They were always clean, the service was fast and accurate, and the food was cheap.

Now that I'm a middle aged woman, the food is still good but the prices have gone so far up that it's not nearly as cost effective as it used to be.  Service has also suffered as their menu has expanded.  Frankly, I think if they were to cut the menu in half or maybe back to a third of the size it is now; lower the prices a bit, they'd be more successful, but that's simply my opinion.  What I'm really here to do is to review their new Waffle Sandwiches.

They have three of them:

• Bacon, Egg, and Cheese
• Sausage, Egg, and Cheese
• Chicken (includes a "bacon gravy")

The first two are only served during breakfast hours and the last one is served all day.  Each of them comes on a "waffle bun" for lack of a better term.  

The other day M and J had an errand to run and they swung by there to pick some up for us to try.  I personally had the Chicken one and the Sausage/Egg/Cheese one; J had the Chicken one, and M had one of the Chicken and one Bacon/Egg/Cheese.  Now our local White Castle is a touch over two miles from here so it's only a couple of minutes to get home and they got the food and came straight home.

Lets start off with the Chicken sandwich.  It was hot and fresh which is really the best thing I can say about it.  The chicken patty itself was fine, it looked and tasted like the same one that's used on their chicken breast slider.  The gravy definitely had that "just came out of a can" taste.  Definitely not as good as say Hardee's gravy if we're talking fast food.  The "waffle bun" - well it was a touch soggy almost; not crisp at all which is an important characteristic of a waffle in my opinion.  If the waffle had been a bit crisp I think it would've done wonders for the overall sandwich.  I also think I'd eschew the gravy and put some syrup on it instead - the best chicken and waffles I've had have always had either syrup or at least a maple flavored gravy.  

The Sausage, Egg, and Cheese sandwich wasn't much better.  There was nothing wrong with the sausage/egg/cheese, but the waffle was again not crispy at all which doomed the sandwich for me.  M had similar comments about her bacon/egg/cheese - although she ordered hers without the egg - I don't think it would've made a difference.  J and M were both indifferent about their chicken sandwiches just like I was.

Frankly for $2.50 each (well 2/$5), I was sorely disappointed.  I would've rather have had a chicken breast sandwich from there; or a sausage/egg/cheese biscuit from McDonald's, Hardee's, etc.  Additionally for the price, both sandwiches were on the smallish side.  For the price of the two I had I could have had half a dozen White Castles and been far happier.  As I said above, I think White Castle needs to stop trying to be everything for everybody and get back to their roots.  I know it's a competitive landscape for everybody, especially fast food restaurants; but they've drifted so far away from what they used to be, well it's just not a good thing.

All in all, a real disappointment and definitely not something I'll ever order again.  Although since their advertised as a "limited time offer", I may not have to worry about it.  :)

- M

Transgender Gatekeeping.... Is It So Wrong?

Hopefully this post will go a little better than my last one. :)  As I said there, that topic and this one might elicit some disagreement among the transgender community and to me that's fine; healthy discussion is something that I feel is a good thing.  That all being said, on to the topic at hand.

One of the "nasty terms" that commonly comes up in conjunction with transitioning is "Gatekeeping".  While, the WPATH guidelines have been relaxed over the years, at least in my opinion, many people pursuing transition still find them onerous.  Now, when I first started considering transition - and granted it was a short consideration - I took a good look into what it would take.  I knew I wanted to start HRT sooner rather than later due to my age and that left me three paths I could pursue.

The first path was self-medication.  To me that was a non-starter.  I was on too many other medicines already, and really didn't want to take the kinds of chances that go with that.  I love my wife and daughter and I wasn't about to risk my health in order to cut a few corners.  The second path was "informed consent", and the third was to follow the traditional WPATH guidelines.  I gave strong consideration to each of these two paths as they both had their allures.  *IF* I could find an informed consent clinic I could get started on HRT sooner and without having to seek therapy which was something I wasn't keen on.  However, as I dug further it appeared that all of the reputable GRS/SRS surgeons would require authorization letters, which if I went the "informed consent" route I wouldn't have.  Now technically there was nothing that would stop me from starting with "informed consent" and then pursuing the letters for surgery; but I felt that if I was going to need those letters eventually, that I might as well "do it right" so to speak.  Now that's simply a figure of speech and by no means meant to imply that "informed consent" is wrong.  Now following the WPATH guidelines meant that I would have to seek out therapy and get authorization to start HRT which did delay things a bit and did frustrate me; but in the long run I've been happy with my choice, and I hope I've made that clear in the various blog entries I've made.

However, this isn't really about me, but about those that consider the WPATH guidelines onerous, or as many put it "Gatekeeping".  Now let me say I'm sure there are therapists, and other medical professionals who could legitimately be considered "Gate Keepers" in a negative sense of the word, but I strongly doubt that it's nearly as many as it's made out to be.  Under the best of circumstances, transitioning is hard; and how many of us are operating under the best of circumstances?  Is it really wrong to be expected to undergo at least some therapy prior to pursuing the social, physical, and emotional changes that come with transitioning?  Especially those that are younger and/or don't have much (if any) support system in place?

I know not everybody can follow the WPATH guidelines.  There are costs associated with therapy, doctor's visits, lab work, and so on.  Not to mention other considerations which may make the WPATH guidelines difficult at best or even simply not doable and for those that are simply unable to follow them I understand completely and can understand the "informed consent" route.  I still don't think I could advocate self-medication even in those circumstances, but if you feel that's right for you then you need to do what you need to do.  There are also those that simply believe they don't need therapy, etc.  Perhaps they are right; I think I personally could have done without it myself.  However, I am grateful that I undertook it (and continue to do so) as it's been very beneficial for me.  I think it comes down to a maturity issues; are you really mature enough to handle transition without therapy for example?  I'm sure a great many people would say "Yes" without a second thought and again perhaps they are right.  But if you're so sure and there are no other barriers (financial or otherwise) preventing you from therapy, would it be so bad to at least try it?  The same can be said for HRT, if possible isn't it better to do it under a Doctor's care?

Just because the WPATH guidelines are there doesn't make them a bad thing.  I've seen quite a few people who have transitioned, up to and including post GRS/SRS that are not any happier now and in some cases more unhappy than they were before.  I'm sure some of them did follow WPATH, but what about the ones that didn't?  Would following those guidelines have made a difference?  I cannot say one way or the other; but I know I'd hate to have transitioned outside of the guidelines and ended up unhappy.  I would've always wondered if things might have been different if I had adhered to them.

Even the HRT guidelines have been relaxed, in prior versions of WPATH a full year of "Real Life Experience" (RLE) was expected pre-HRT.  Many point to things like this as an example of gatekeeping and I'd even respectfully disagree with that.  HRT does cause changes and as some of them are permanent, shouldn't you realize just what you are getting into first?  My RLE started several months pre-HRT and I was fine with that. Now that was a choice I made; but to me the bottom line was that I saw no reason to wait.  HRT is not some "magic bullet" that will magically turn you into a "woman" over night.  Yes it will make changes, but they do take time and truthfully there's a lot more to being able to live full-time than just how you look.  Voice, mannerisms, and confidence (the single biggest thing in my opinion) among other things will greatly impact how you are perceived and none of those are really dependent upon HRT.

It's late and my mind is starting to drift so I guess I'll cut this off here.  Once again let me say I'm not saying anyone in particular must follow the WPATH guidelines.  We must each do what is best for ourselves when it comes to transitioning.  However, I do feel the WPATH guidelines do have a lot of merit and have an undeserved poor reputation.  Just because you don't necessarily "like" something doesn't make it wrong and I see a lot of people who seem to think otherwise.

Okay, I'm off my soapbox now.

- M

The Most Wonderful "Nurse" That Money Cannot Buy....

I had a different topic in mind for today, actually it went in conjunction with yesterday's topic and in fact it's basically all written.  However, I decided to hold off on that until tomorrow as I wanted to talk about something else today.  Specifically someone else.  My wonderful wife J.

I know some of you are probably tired of hearing me discuss her virtues, but I simply cannot help it.  She means the world to me and the way she's handled my transition and what has come with it goes far above and beyond what I could have ever expected, much less hoped for.  But even with that, she's gone above the call of duty the last couple of months.

I could not have asked for a more wonderful "nurse" during/after my orchiectomy.  I had considered going alone, but in hindsight, having her accompany me was one of the best choices I could have possibly made.  The care and compassion she showed during the entire trip and the weeks after means the world to me.  Especially the weeks after since it was as much emotional support as it was anything physical.  The first week wasn't really bad, but the second week the hormones took over with a vengeance that I never expected.  I'm going to have to ask Dr. Swenson about that when I see her next month, but from some of the (after the fact) reading I've done apparently even though the testicles are removed, the rest of the body doesn't want to give up the testosterone easily and that second week I was a basket case like I've never been.  I cry my fair share these days - well actually probably well more than my fair share - but that week, anything and everything had me in tears.  J was patient, caring, understanding, and comforting through it all.

I had three or four paragraphs typed here that were going into an explanation of things that you probably really didn't want to read anyway, so I removed those and let me simply say this.  I've been more than a touch sick the last couple of weeks.  Digestive issues is I guess a polite term for it.  I've seen my GP a couple of times and she's prescribed something that seems to be helping; but I've still been worried as I think the issue may lie with my stomach and not my intestines.  The Internet is a wonderful place for information, but when you start Googling symptoms it generally is never good as you read about a lot of bad things - in many cases upsetting things - and in this case one of the possibilities is more than a bit upsetting.  I was *really* upset by the time J got home from work last night but I managed to hold it together through dinner with her and M.  However, after dinner I lost it and was a bundle of tears.  Instead of us going downstairs to walk as we had discussed, J gave me the nicest, sweetest bath I've probably ever had and then cuddled with me for a good while.  I finally convinced her to go to sleep as she had to work today, but she was willing to stay up as late as need be to ensure that I was emotionally alright.

Her kindness and compassion was once again off of the charts and just thinking about it has me in tears right now.  But not the sad/depressed tears of last night, but happy tears.  Happy that I have someone so wonderful in my life.  Happy that I haven't had to face any of my transition alone.  Happy that I do have one true soul mate.  No matter what this turns out to be (or not to be), or whatever else may happen going forward I know I can handle it because I have the support of such a wonderful woman who will stand there right beside me no matter what.

J, sweetheart, I love you so very much.  More than any words I can put here or tell you in person can ever possibly convey.  To this day I'm still not quite sure what I did to deserve you, or that I even actually do deserve you; but I cherish every moment we have and love you now and forever like I've never loved anyone or anything else.  You make every day worth living regardless of how good or bad it may otherwise be.  Your smile lights up the room and makes me so happy no matter what else is going on.  If I have a regret it's simply that there aren't more people like you in this world as it would be a far better place if there was.

- M

How To Come Out....

Let me first say that this post, and the topic I plan to write on next, may well contain opinions that you simply *do not* agree with.  I understand that and welcome any thoughts/comments both publicly or privately.  These are going to simply be *my* thoughts and opinions on these topics - that doesn't make them "right", nor does it make them "wrong".  So without further ado...

Since I made my decision to transition way back when, I've spent a lot of time doing research.  Large portions of that have been on places such as Susan's Place, Laura's Playground, and the like; not to mention spending lots of time on the AskTransgender subreddit over at Reddit.com.  A subject that comes up constantly is how to come out.  This may be to family, friends, at work, and so on.  While I have no "hard data" to support this, it seems to me that the vast majority of people want to come in via a "letter".  Now I understand the appeal of doing that; there's no face-to-face confrontation(s), you can give a lot of thought to what exactly you wish to say, and so on; I just don't think it's the right course of action - at least for the most part.

I'm a firm believe in doing this in person whenever possible.  I realize in some cases that's simply not feasible - in some cases friends/family may live too far away to make this practical for example; but when it is feasible I simply believe it's the best course of action; and even in those extreme cases, a phone call is preferable to a letter in my opinion. As I said above, the letter method does have it's allures.  But there are downsides too, downsides that I think are often overlooked and those are what I thought I'd talk about here.  

Coming out to people, especially family and friends, is going to bring questions from those family and friends and a letter simply cannot provide the answers to every question that they may have.  Now, even in person you may or may not be able to answer every question either; but at least you can make the effort.  However, what I think is an even bigger point in favor of handling this in person is to me it shows just how serious you are about transitioning.  Think back to grade school - did you (or anyone you know) ever write a note to a person you liked?  Would you do that now as an adult?  Or would you simply ask them out?  Now I know that plenty of people do ask others out via text message, email, etc., but I just personally feel that something like that is an "in person" kind of thing and I think coming out merits the same kind of effort.

I guess I'll wrap this up, I haven't felt very good in several days and I find myself losing my train of thought.  But I stand by what I've said, I really think that coming out is something best done in person and not via a letter, but again that's simply my two cents.

- M

How Life Changes...For Me, For Her, For Us

After a (little) bit of prodding, I did manage to convince "J" to write something for the blog.  Partially because I've been slacking a bit here lately, but mostly because I thought some might enjoy hearing from her.  What is below is completely hers (minus a couple of edits for spelling), enjoy.

- M

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When I got the email that changed “us” forever I feared the worst. I figured we would not make it, she would want someone new, or that she would become another statistic and commit suicide as so many on her journey had. I also figured this process would be quicker. Well, in short I was wrong about everything except one…I still love her and I do more than I ever thought possible.

Madison is the only person I see when I look at her. I do not see “<her old name>” or a boy. I see a woman, or “my girl” as I like to call her. Even when she has to wear icky boy clothes for work I see a woman.

Life has not been easy, but if it was then the world would not have poverty, war, hate, violence, child abuse, animal abuse and all the other horrible things that people do to themselves and others. I wish every day that Madison saw the real changes in herself more—she is happier, has softer skin than me, nicer style than me, pretty make-up, a laugh and sense of humor I would kill for, the sweetest pout when she is sad, great cooking skills, and a glow that lights up the darkest night. Will she ever be a model, perhaps not, but she is pretty to me. She has gotten silly sometimes, she is a much happier, sweeter, kinder person than she was when this started.

I have always loved her no matter what, but sometimes in the past things were really hard. Madison has always been a perfectionist and that includes in improving the lives of those around her. She has been held to high standards her whole life and she holds others to similar ones. While that is actually an admirable thing, to want others to be their best it has caused a ton of fights.

Since her transition started Madison has put a lot of energy into not being so forceful with her wanting others to change. We still fight, but at least the fights are quick and then we spend good time making up for the fight. Before when we fought it could be hours before we “made up”.

I think the biggest change for me though is seeing Madison want to be Madison. While she still gets mad at herself for not having real hair or struggling with clothes that flatter, she wants to go out and she doesn’t care if people don’t like her at first glance. Before she walked a few steps behind M or I, but now she is next to me or even in front of me. She is aware of how people see her, and that others may never accept who she is, but at least she does not care enough about close-minded people’s views anymore so that she is limited by us going out.

There is one issue with this acceptance of herself. That is me. I don’t always think in the protective stance anymore. I used to worry about her going out alone, or us going somewhere new. While I loved her for who she was/is I knew others did not even want to be around her and it really worried me, to the point of fear, that someone would hurt her. Now that she does not care who stares or makes mean comments, I don’t always think about the places that I want us to go and the risk that I might place us in by going to those places. For example, when looking at restaurants I never thought about bar and grill places being an issue until she brought up that lots of them are more bar and a bar is not a good place sometimes for women. Another example is a concert. I got us tickets to see Billy Joel. Well the concert might be fine, but it will take us to downtown Saint Louis on a Friday night. Not a great idea. Here’s the point, I don’t think about these things until Madison brings them up and then we tend to have a disagreement, because in my mind I am trying to do something nice. The reality is that no matter how nice the act if someone gets hurt the niceness of the act was not worth it.

That has been one of the biggest issues for us both—accepting that people will not accept us. I know the homosexual community still faces a lot of hate, but transgender tends to get it worse. If Madison passes then we are seen as a lesbian couple. If she does not pass she gets hated on for trying to be something she is not and I risk hate as well for accepting and loving her for who she is now.  I know some of our homosexual friends might disagree, but having our marriage in limbo is upsetting for me as well. I guess I should just be happy that we live in a state that does still ignore her gender change and see us as married. I just wish that we could be married as two women, women who are accepted for who they are.

Overall, I am the happiest I have even been with anyone. I have been with men and women, and now a man who has become a woman, and I would not trade her for the world. Even I have to be the husband to make things “fit” for others, I’ll be the boy as long as she and I can be happy. 

- J