Wednesday, April 23, 2014

So, Maybe This Isn't What I Signed Up For.... - Part 1

Well, after a little prodding three weeks ago my wonderful wife J wrote a little something for the blog here.  I was pleasantly surprised the other day when she told me she wanted to write something else for the blog.  What is below is once again hers as written (well with a couple of spelling/grammar edits), it's sort of a response/follow-up to a post I made the other day - This Isn't What She Signed Up For.

As it was a lengthy post, I've broken it up into a couple of parts.  Without further ado, we have "So, Maybe This Isn't What I Signed Up For"....

One note, I know some (most?) Trans-women and Trans-men, prefer to be referred to by their chosen gender.  Don't get me wrong, I do as well; however, when people talk about me "pre-Madison", I'm just fine with them using male pronouns.  In fact I prefer it.  That's how I presented in those days and to refer to me as "she/her/etc" when talking about those days I feel is rewriting history so to speak.  You may or may not agree with that and that's fine, but I would ask that you respect my choice in this matter just as I'd respect your choice.  As such, when J talks about me, "pre-Madison" in this post she will refer to me as "he/him" and that is by *my choice*.  Thanks...

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            Madison always says “this isn’t what you signed up for” when talking about us and her transition.  Perhaps she is right, as much as that pains me to say.  I did not sign up for a wife, hell our state would not really allow that - not that my gay and lesbian friends are not married to their partners, they are just not legally which is painful.  But no, I fell in love with someone who was a man when I met them.  I married them when they were a man and several years into our relationship that man asked if it would be okay with me (basically the overall point of her email to me) if he became a she.

            I agreed right away.  I had no doubts.  I loved the person not the gender.  I loved the soul and the mind.  I loved the body too, but the parts on the body made no difference to me.  Maybe it was because I am bisexual and to me sex parts are fun no matter what they are.  Perhaps it was simply that, but I’d like to believe that the “parts” were only a small piece of my choice to say yes to Madison and her transition.  What I really believe was that it was my love for her that allowed me to say yes without second thought.  Now, as Madison will tell you I tend to shoot first and ask questions a lot.  It is a bad habit of mine.  Another example would be my career.  I knew I wanted to go into management, but honestly I had no real idea what I was getting into.  I had to change myself a lot to be successful and while Madison warned me, I really was not prepared.  Fortunately I changed and adapted very quickly and I’d like to think I am damn good at my job, but that is another story - and one that can be told without me sounding so stuck on myself.  The point is that while I said yes to Madison’s transition I did not think about all the issues and struggles we would face.  I just blindly went into this with Madison trying to get me to open my eyes and see the bad, because the world sometimes is a bad, mean place.  I just hoped and honestly figured (see how naive I am sometimes) that because we loved each other all this would work out just fine.  Well overall it has worked out, we are not a bad statistic and neither of us regret this choice, but it was not and still is not always sunshine and rainbows like I truly thought it would be.

            Let me back up a bit.  When I was with women the gay pride movement and gays in the public eye was still pretty small.  Sure gays got some shit, but not like they do now.  It always seem whoever is fighting for equal rights at the moment becomes the bigger target.  Just as there has always been Asian, African American, and Native American along with all the other races there have been gay people - it’s just now the gay community’s turn to be hit the hardest with hate.  As I said, my experiences of being in a gay relationship were pretty good.  My parents did not approve - more my mom did not approve, my dad did not care, but back then I did not need their approval, like I do now, lol.  My girlfriends and I did get some shit from hateful people.  For example, I took one girl to a very nice restaurant on “The Hill” (Italian district in St. Louis) and we were heckled through the whole meal by a family.  They called us “dykes, w**res, dumb b**ches, immoral, and devils”.  I took it in stride because she was so upset, one of us had to be strong. She wanted to leave, but I told her we would stay just to spite them.  It was not a good move, I was her last girlfriend.  She was bisexual like me and she decided after that night it was too hard to be with another woman.  That was one of my worst moments, but overall considering that people get shot and beat enough to wind up in a coma I feel my life with other women was pretty peaceful.  A lot of people supported me.  They told me if I was happy they did not care who I was with.  I always joked that playing both sides of the field gave me more options, and it did.  I just got mixed up with some rough girls and boys and decided for a while to try to do the right thing and marry a nice boy, like doing that would fix my life somehow.

            I did marry a wonderful man, G, and we were married for a year and half before we realized we were better friends.  I was at a rough time in life.  I was trying to get myself together, get past a rough relationship (non-romantic) with a Dom who had been in my life for years.  I was also just out of semi-romantic relationships with women.  I had decided at this point that women were “great to f**k, but terrible to live with.”  I know that is not the nicest thing to say, but get burned a few times and I think you can understand.  However, I was terrible to live it, either to those women or G.  When I was with my Dom it was really dumb of me to try love as well, but I did because I craved that companionship in addition to what I had with him. G was so sweet and understanding that I fell hard for him, but he had never really had a long term girlfriend so I was his first true love, and first sexual partner and that made things awkward for us.  I had been in love several times before, had a Dom, and other unique relationships.  G wanted the white picket fence, ranch house, with kids, the love his parents had.  Part of me really wanted that lovely story, but the real part of my heart told me I would never be happy and after a while I realized I could not.  G was so understanding.  I filed for divorce on our second anniversary, no one said I had tact.  We are still friends and he is remarried and has the house and kids he wanted, so I don’t feel as terrible as I did the night I told him I could not do the married thing anymore.

            Where does this fit with M?  Well after G I got into a weird and very sexual relationship with another man, Gy.  He and I spent a while worrying more about how creative we could be with our sex life than we did about what happened once the sex was done for the night.  Needless to say it was a terrible relationship. Don’t ever live with your “f**k buddy”.  In the meantime I had taken a real liking to Madison.  Sadly, and funny in retrospective, Madison was a bit slow in noticing that I was trying to flirt with her.  I backed off for a while once I found out she was in a relationship (well he at this point, Madison was <her old name> back then).  I also had to do some real soul searching on my own. I had done some dumb stuff and had unique relationships that might have me labeled as damaged goods to someone like <her old name>.  I took a chance again and decided if he rejected me then I was damaged goods and I would just stop trying.

            Well I was very persistent and used school as an excuse to get this sweetie out his shy shell. I asked him to tutor me and that was the start of our relationship.  So here is the overall point.  I did not sign up for a girl, the emotional roller coaster of HRT, surgery, stares, worries about my parents, worries about how people see us, concerns about where to go and not go, but I did sign up for a loving, life-long relationship.  When <her old name> emailed me about starting what would evolve into Madison I had no answer other than yes.  I had fallen in love with someone who accepted all me, my past, and my issues. 

-- To Be Continued...

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