As it was a lengthy post, I've broken it up into a couple of parts. Without further ado, we have "So, Maybe This Isn't What I Signed Up For"....
One note, I know some (most?) Trans-women and Trans-men, prefer to be referred to by their chosen gender. Don't get me wrong, I do as well; however, when people talk about me "pre-Madison", I'm just fine with them using male pronouns. In fact I prefer it. That's how I presented in those days and to refer to me as "she/her/etc" when talking about those days I feel is rewriting history so to speak. You may or may not agree with that and that's fine, but I would ask that you respect my choice in this matter just as I'd respect your choice. As such, when J talks about me, "pre-Madison" in this post she will refer to me as "he/him" and that is by *my choice*. Thanks...
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Madison
always says “this isn’t what you signed up for” when talking about us and her
transition. Perhaps she is right, as much as that pains me to say. I did not sign up for a wife, hell our state would not really allow that - not that my gay
and lesbian friends are not married to their partners, they are just not legally
which is painful. But no, I fell in love with someone who was a man when I met
them. I married them when they were a man and several years into our
relationship that man asked if it would be okay with me (basically the overall
point of her email to me) if he became a she.
I
agreed right away. I had no doubts. I loved the person not the gender. I loved
the soul and the mind. I loved the body too, but the parts on the body made no
difference to me. Maybe it was because I am bisexual and to me sex parts are fun no
matter what they are. Perhaps it was simply that, but I’d like to believe that
the “parts” were only a small piece of my choice to say yes to Madison and her
transition. What I really believe was that it was my love for her that allowed
me to say yes without second thought. Now, as Madison will tell you I tend to
shoot first and ask questions a lot. It is a bad habit of mine. Another example
would be my career. I knew I wanted to go into management, but honestly I had no real
idea what I was getting into. I had to change myself a lot to be successful and
while Madison warned me, I really was not prepared. Fortunately I changed and
adapted very quickly and I’d like to think I am damn good at my job, but that
is another story - and one that can be told without me sounding so stuck on
myself. The point is that while I said yes to Madison’s transition I did not think about all the issues and struggles we would face. I just blindly went
into this with Madison trying to get me to open my eyes and see the bad,
because the world sometimes is a bad, mean place. I just hoped and honestly
figured (see how naive I am sometimes) that because we loved each other all
this would work out just fine. Well overall it has worked out, we are not a bad
statistic and neither of us regret this choice, but it was not and still is not always sunshine and rainbows like I truly thought it would be.
Let
me back up a bit. When I was with women the gay pride movement and gays in the
public eye was still pretty small. Sure gays got some shit, but not like they
do now. It always seem whoever is fighting for equal rights at the moment
becomes the bigger target. Just as there has always been Asian, African
American, and Native American along with all the other races there have been gay
people - it’s just now the gay community’s turn to be hit the hardest with hate. As I said, my experiences of being in a gay relationship were pretty good. My
parents did not approve - more my mom did not approve, my dad did not care, but back
then I did not need their approval, like I do now, lol. My girlfriends and I did
get some shit from hateful people. For example, I took one girl to a very nice
restaurant on “The Hill” (Italian district in St. Louis) and we were heckled
through the whole meal by a family. They called us “dykes, w**res, dumb
b**ches, immoral, and devils”. I took it in stride because she was so upset, one
of us had to be strong. She wanted to leave, but I told her we would stay just
to spite them. It was not a good move, I was her last girlfriend. She was bisexual like me and she decided after that night it was too hard to be with another
woman. That was one of my worst moments, but overall considering that people
get shot and beat enough to wind up in a coma I feel my life with other women
was pretty peaceful. A lot of people supported me. They told me if I was happy
they did not care who I was with. I always joked that playing both sides of the
field gave me more options, and it did. I just got mixed up with some rough
girls and boys and decided for a while to try to do the right thing and marry a
nice boy, like doing that would fix my life somehow.
I did
marry a wonderful man, G, and we were married for a year and half before we
realized we were better friends. I was at a rough time in life. I was trying to
get myself together, get past a rough relationship (non-romantic) with a Dom
who had been in my life for years. I was also just out of semi-romantic
relationships with women. I had decided at this point that women were “great to
f**k, but terrible to live with.” I know that is not the nicest thing to say, but
get burned a few times and I think you can understand. However, I was terrible
to live it, either to those women or G. When I was with my Dom it was really
dumb of me to try love as well, but I did because I craved that companionship
in addition to what I had with him. G was so sweet and understanding that I
fell hard for him, but he had never really had a long term girlfriend so I was
his first true love, and first sexual partner and that made things awkward for
us. I had been in love several times before, had a Dom, and other unique
relationships. G wanted the white picket fence, ranch house, with kids, the
love his parents had. Part of me really wanted that lovely story, but the real
part of my heart told me I would never be happy and after a while I realized I
could not. G was so understanding. I filed for divorce on our second
anniversary, no one said I had tact. We are still friends and he is remarried
and has the house and kids he wanted, so I don’t feel as terrible as I did the
night I told him I could not do the married thing anymore.
Where
does this fit with M? Well after G I got into a weird and very sexual
relationship with another man, Gy. He and I spent a while worrying more about
how creative we could be with our sex life than we did about what happened once
the sex was done for the night. Needless to say it was a terrible relationship.
Don’t ever live with your “f**k buddy”. In the meantime I had taken a real
liking to Madison. Sadly, and funny in retrospective, Madison was a bit slow in
noticing that I was trying to flirt with her. I backed off for a while once I
found out she was in a relationship (well he at this point, Madison was <her old name> back then). I also had to do some real soul searching on my own. I had done
some dumb stuff and had unique relationships that might have me labeled as
damaged goods to someone like <her old name>. I took a chance again and decided if he
rejected me then I was damaged goods and I would just stop trying.
-- To Be Continued...
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