Part 1 is HERE
As with the first post, this is her speaking other than some minor spelling/grammar edits on my part. Additionally, as I mentioned in the top of the first part, I know some (most?) Trans-women and Trans-men, prefer to be referred to by their chosen gender. Don't get me wrong, I do as well; however, when people talk about me "pre-Madison", I'm just fine with them using male pronouns. In fact I prefer it. That's how I presented in those days and to refer to me as "she/her/etc" when talking about those days I feel is rewriting history so to speak. You may or may not agree with that and that's fine, but I would ask that you respect my choice in this matter just as I'd respect your choice. As such, when J talks about me, "pre-Madison" in this post she will refer to me as "he/him" and that is by *my choice*. Thanks...
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<Her Old Name>/Madison did not sign up for a lot of things either. When we got together she did not know
about my past, my Dom, my bisexual relationships and the lot. As those things came
out eyebrows were raised quite a few times, and questions were asked, but love
was always given. <Her Old Name> loved me for me. I’m a hard person to live with. When I
got together with <Her Old Name> I had only been on meds for my bi-polar for less than
four years. Now four years sounds like a long time, but when one battles manic
and depressive mood swings than change faster than stock prices on Wall Street
it’s hard to manage, much less have anyone else be around for them. I’m also
weird with food, clothes, make-up, sleep, cleaning, friends, driving, family,
school, and lots of other things. In short I’m hard to handle and deal with. Yet, <Her Old Name> loved me for me. He loved the person inside, the one I don’t let
people see. He loved me and pushed me to be better every day and love myself. I
still get that from Madison. I also am loved more than I ever could have
imagined, but it has not been easy for <Her Old Name> or Madison to love me.
I
will say that the transition to Madison is the best challenge that has
happened to us. I was upset for a long time that it was not easy and that the
world just did not accept us and her. My parents were very accepting, which was
a big fear that Madison had. However, other things have not been so easy. There
have been disagreements with Madison and her therapist about legal wording for
Madison to get her name and gender changed. Her HRT has made her emotional, sometimes to
the point that she felt very depressed. The expense and travel has also been a
struggle. We have fought over money for her transition. It is also really hard
on days I have to work and she has appointments, especially the ones in
Colombia, MO. I try to be really supportive, but not being there when she needs
me hurts me.
We
do have M, the ex-wife, who is a great part of the support system. She is also
the one who has the skills I envy - style, hair, and make-up. This is another
struggle I face. I should be the one who helps Madison get ready, but I have
never been a girly girl so my make-up, hair, and clothing (picking out) skills
are pretty weak. M comes in and does a great job every time, but it does make
me sad that even when I watch how she does things I cannot reproduce it. When
we went to Detroit for Madison’s surgery I could not get her ready as well as M
can and I know it frustrates her. It also means that if we are going out somewhere
for a long time we have to plan around M’s hours so she can do Madison’s
make-up. I don’t mind at all, anymore to be honest here, that M does Madison’s
make-up and so on, but I feel like a failure to Madison in this area of
support.
I
think the hardest part at the beginning aside from not being able to help
Madison with hair and make-up was the stress of worrying about her. It has gone
away for the most part now, but it does come back; for example with her major
hormone shift when she first went on HRT and again after her surgery. But
worrying about her and us to degree I have was not something I signed up for. I
have spent many long nights while she is sleeping or working and thinking I am
sleeping along with many days at work worrying about her. When she first
brought up the idea I look at the stats. The ones about the major increase in
suicides for people who transition. The huge divorce/break-up rate for
relationships that were established before the transition started, and so on. I
freaked out a lot. I shared some of this concern with Madison at the start, but
a lot of it I kept to myself. I never wanted to discourage her. But I do still
worry about her and us. A lot has changed and that puts strain on both of us
and our relationship. While it has made us closer, change is hard for anyone.
The
other part that is really hard is disappointment. When she has a bad day or she
feels progress is not being made as we thought it would I just want to comfort
her. We have been trying to lose weight. She has had some medical issues which
has made this much more difficult than we ever thought possible. This really
gets tough for her to handle some days and a lot of those days I am at work. I
do try to comfort her, but knowing how upset I get with things I can’t fault
her for being upset. Other disappointments come in the form of actions or
inaction from me. For example, I take a long time to complete some tasks that
she needs help with and she gets bored and sore waiting for me to get finished. Basic everyday couples fights become bigger disappointments now. Our
relationship is so special that when we have a disagreement or fight the
fallout is even worse. It upsets me more now than ever as I see her as a success
story compared with the struggles some people we have talked too or seen on
support groups. Madison has her name changed, her female marker on her drivers
license (today, yea), breasts, soft skin, less and less body hair, a slimmer
face and body, pretty clothes, great hair, and a personal make-up stylist who
does a great job, and a wonderful and positive outlook on life. I just hate to
make dark clouds hang out on that, and to make the few rough days rougher.
So
no, I did not sign up for a wife or all the changes that went on to make Madison
my wife. However, aside from asking for her medical issues to be solved, and a
few less blunders that cause bad days I can honestly say this is a best
marriage, relationship, and love I could have ever known.
- J
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