This Isn't What She Signed Up For....

For whatever reasons, the last couple of days a lot of thought has been given to the decision for me to transition and how it affected not only myself, but my wonderful wife J.  It started a couple of days ago, I can't recall why, but she and I were discussing the emails/discussions we had back in June of 2012 when the subject came up.  Then on top of that, there were some "Throwback Thursday" pictures on m Facebook feed, so I posted one of J and I from the day we were married:

Suffice it to say, a few things have changed since that day.  

But the biggest change isn't the obvious one, rather it's just how much I love and cherish her.  I've written about that plenty of times, but what I'm not sure I've really talked about how the decision for me to transition came about and how J handled it.  So a flashback to June of 2012.  

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

The "seed" had been planted a week or two prior when M had our friend D over to the house.  I hadn't seen her in several years and while I had known she wanted to transition, it was only when M had ran into her recently that I found out that she had.  She looked so at ease and happy, I was actually jealous.  

M and I had went to lunch, it was a Thursday and normally lunch out was on a Friday, I'm not really sure why we chose to go that day.  Perhaps it was because J was out of town (in Alaska fishing with her parents) and I was lonely or maybe it was simply the heat, we were in the middle of a long stretch where the temperature was at/above 100 degrees and even with the AC on at home it was still hot.  Regardless we were at a local pizza place that had a lunch buffet that M really liked.  We were chatting about this and that and the subject of D came up and I mentioned how happy she was and how nice she looked and how much I envied her.  M, as she's prone to do, made an off-handed comment and moved on, but that comment hung in the back of my mind for the rest of lunch.  She simply said, "Well why don't you do it too?".  As I said, it was an off-handed comment to her that she probably didn't give a second thought to at the time.  

I think in her mind that it would be as simple as that; but in my mind all sorts of gears started to turn.  Don't get me wrong, it was something I had thought on and off about for 25-30 years, but always had reasons why it wouldn't work for me.  But now, I started to think that maybe it could work.  Truthfully, I'm not sure if I heard much of anything else she said the rest of lunch as my mind kept coming back to the thought of me actually becoming a woman.  With it being a Thursday, M had to work that night and with J out of town, we agreed to skip dinner so when we got home she went off to nap for work and I plopped back at my desk.  However, not a single ounce of work got done that afternoon.  I spent the entire afternoon and evening researching all things Transgender.  

This continued well on into the wee hours of the morning, in fact I was still up when M and M2 came home for lunch (around 3am).  I think I finally went to sleep around 5am Friday morning, having spent a good 16 hours learning everything I could.  The only real break I had was about a hour on the phone with J, during which I avoided broaching the subject as I wasn't ready to discuss it just yet.  I read about factual things such as the WPATH standards, therapy, HRT, surgery; but I also read experiences of those that had transitioned; especially those that were older such as myself and more importantly married.  I saw the statistics and the personal experiences that said a vast amount of marriages did not survive a transition.  This concerned me greatly as I loved J - to be honest not the way I love her now, but still more than I had ever loved anyone and I simply could not bear the thought of losing her.  Especially not over something that I essentially felt was "selfish".  Looking back, I no longer believe that my desire to transition was selfish, but at the time that's how I felt about it and when I finally decided to go to sleep that morning it was so I could ponder if transitioning was worth putting what I had with J at risk.

Friday, June 29th, 2012

I had to be up in a couple of hours for work, but once again not much work got done.  I had decided that I really did want to pursue transitioning, but *NOT* at the expense of J and I's marriage.  So I continued my research, but I put extra emphasis on what I considered "success stories".  I had read plenty of stories the day/night before where things had went poorly, but I wanted to try and find some where things went well.  They weren't as easy to find, but there were some out there and those really helped me make the decision to broach things with J.

So that afternoon I started on what turned into a rather lengthy email to J explaining things.  Going back and reading the email now I'm still actually impressed with the thought and detail that went into it.  It started out with things we both already knew such as my preference for things such as women's clothing, manicured nails, going shopping, and so on.  I then got into the fact that I wanted to pursue things further and that meant transitioning.  I talked about what that would mean, from therapy, to HRT, to possibly surgery.  The effects (both permanent and reversible) of HRT, and so on.  It was a very long email and I tried to answer as many of the questions that I thought she'd ask.  I didn't exactly expect any of this to be a true shock to her as she not only knew, but supported the fact that I cross-dressed and such, but after all she married <old name> as a man, and now here I was telling her I wanted to basically be her wife "Becky" (**I'll explain that at the end of this post**) now.  

I waited until we spoke that evening.  We spent a few minutes on the phone and before I let her go I let her know that I had something important I wanted to discuss with her, but there were a few considerations to that:

• I was going to send her a lengthy email that I wanted her to read.  Mainly because it was an in depth subject and I wanted her to be able to fully digest it.  Not to mention the fact that she has a nasty habit (as do I) of interrupting and I felt it was best that she get through all of what I had to say before she starting asking questions or making comments.
• I requested she NOT discuss anything from the email with ANYONE until we had talked.  This was important to me as in the past she had discussed things with her parents (among others) that I wasn't necessarily thrilled about.  Don't get me wrong, I adore her parents, but I wasn't really sure they needed to know that I wore panties for example.
• If she could not abide by those two conditions then it would need to wait until she got home in a couple of days and we could discuss in person.

She agreed to the "conditions", so I sent her the email.  I got an email response shortly thereafter, and then a follow-up phone call.  J was more supportive than I ever could have hoped.  We agreed to discuss it further when she got home in a couple of days, but I did ask her to think about what she was agreeing to in the interim as "it wasn't what she signed up for".  Her response was that she didn't care, she loved *ME*, regardless of gender, appearance, or anything else and that was NOT going to change.

The "Aftermath" Or Lack Thereof

Talking to J about things after she got home was really anti-climatic at that point.  She had given things some thought and it had only made her more certain that she would be supportive of me/us.  I once again gave her the "I know this isn't what you signed up for" spiel and once again she shot it down.  I got the same answer I had gotten before - she loved me regardless.  That's not to say she didn't do plenty of her own research and that we haven't had some bumps along the way, but all told it's been good.  No, it's been great....

To this day I stand by the "This Isn't What She Signed Up For" comment, and even now as happy as I/we are, if I had to make a choice between transitioning and keeping the woman that I love, well I'd still be <old name>.  No matter how happy it's made me to be Madison, it pales in comparison to the happiness that J brings me every moment of every day of my life.  She's everything to me, and I'd do anything for her, even if it meant wearing yucky boy clothes, and never again hearing "Madison" come from her lovely lips.

I do realize just how lucky I am, as good of a friend as M is, she could never have handled this.  The social stigma that would've went along with her being perceived a "lesbian" would have been too much for her then and now.  And from what I've read that's a common issue among married couples where one partner attempts to transition and that's a shame.  I understand it, but I wish that "love could conquer all" - I guess I'm sentimental that way.  But regardless, it has conquered all as far as J and I are concerned and for that I am and will continue to be grateful.

- M

** As promised from the above, the name "Becky" was one that I used when I was dressed up before the decision to transition came about.  I always liked that name; but when it came time to transition I decided I wanted a "clean start" to so speak so that name was out.