"It Was A Good Day"....

Over the first 40+ years of my life I've never had much self-esteem.  There are tons of reasons for it, among them; I started school earlier than almost everyone else around me - I was still 16 at the start of my senior year of high school when most of my friends were 17 going on 18.  I was fairly small even for my age; I was a touch chubby despite the fact that I was 125lbs as a senior; I wore glasses/contacts; and my social skills were severely lacking.  Add all of that to the fact that I was what many called a "nerd".  I'm by no means brilliant or anything, but I did actually make it into MENSA (though I long since have let my membership lapse).  Part of it was that I went through school younger than everyone else, but a larger part of it was that my mother sheltered me significantly.  I'm not complaining about that, she did what she felt was right and that's fine; but it did keep me from developing socially.  In fact none of those things are complaints, simply what I see as contributing factors looking back now.

Over the years I dealt with the lack of self-esteem by becoming more and more introverted; to the point that I would seldom leave the house if I could avoid it.  When I was in an environment where I had to be "social", I would often become self-deprecating which only served to make things worse for me.  This went on through my first marriage (to M) and divorce and continued on to my current marriage to J.  It caused a lot of issues with M; J on the other hand was far more understanding - even if she may not have liked how things were; especially the fact that I would pick on myself.

Then came the decision to transition.  I was going to leave my old self behind and become Madison.  Well, at first it was status quo, or perhaps worse.  I was so unsure of myself, my appearance, my mannerisms, my voice, and pretty much everything else about me that I became even more reclusive.  Other than a few therapist visits, the next few months were really me "playing at transitioning" - by that I mean I would go out as Madison as long as I had J and/or M (or preferably both) with me and even then we didn't stay out long and I tended to "hide in their shadows" as much as possible.

Finally, a few months later, right around my birthday I made the decision that I had to either do it or not do it, but I couldn't continue to play around.  J and M helped me get rid of all my male clothes and I started going out more often.  I still wasn't happy with how I looked, and so on; but I was finally starting to make an effort to do something about it.  I started to pay attention to cis-women when we were out, watching their mannerisms, interactions, attire, and so on.  I only went out as Madison; although I still didn't get out all that much, and it was still always with J and/or M.  But it was progress.

I started HRT a few months later, and continued to see my therapist.  I started to become more comfortable getting out and about and finally last September (about the time J got back from training) I started venturing out on my own a bit.  Places I felt safe and at least semi-confident such as some local grocery stores; I made some solo visits to the therapist, my doctors, the place where I'm having laser done and so on.  It wasn't necessarily easy, but over the last few months I've become much more confident, to the point where I don't even give going out a second thought.  In fact, as much as I like to go out with J and/or M, I really enjoy going out by myself as well.  My voice is still a problem, but for the most part it's not a huge issue, though I'm still not happy with it.

What does all of this have to do with the topic, especially six paragraphs in?  Well, I had sort of an epiphany tonight.  J happened to be off - the first of her three days, and a friend of mine/ours had asked us to dinner with her and another friend.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to go; I had a laser appointment in the afternoon and I have a colonoscopy Monday (TMI I know <G>) which means I'll be basically fasting tomorrow and doing the prep in the evening so it's going to be an unpleasant day.  However, I hadn't been out with these friends in several months and they are really the only ones who have went out of their way to be with me in public so I committed J and I to go.

The laser appointment was for the back of my neck and shoulders, although I ended up just having the neck done as there was some confusion on their end - which truthfully agitated me, but I like them enough that I'll get over it.  The appointment itself went well, the pain was minimal, and we actually ran into D there - it turned out her appointment was the one before mine.  It was really nice to see her, she's transitioned so well, she's an inspiration to me.

J and I got home and we only had to rush to get ready which normally stresses me; but it didn't tonight.  Normally I tend to "overdress" a bit as I don't get out as much as I'd like and I want to look nice.  Well, I decided to go more casual than normal, although at the last minute I traded my jeans for a skirt.  M took care of my makeup since I was in a hurry and I'm still really slow at it, she did a nice subtle job.  My hair was a joint effort as I've spent a lot of time practicing with it lately as I've not been very happy with it - at least not since the picture that is my profile photo which is several months old now.  It actually came out fairly nice tonight, not quite as nice as the profile photo, but close enough to make me happy.  My outfit is below:

J took the above photo as we were in a hurry and M needed to get back to bed.  I took a look at it in the car on the way to dinner and I was exceptionally happy with how I looked.  As it turned out, only one of our two friends was able to make it for dinner, but the three of us had what I thought was a great time.  Maybe I'm being overly positive, but I seemed to be far more outgoing than normal and it felt nice.  Then on our way home, J & I stopped by the grocery store to grab a few things and I not only felt good, but I had a good time.  I'd almost say that I was "playful".  Now the store wasn't overly busy, but there were people shopping and I didn't give them a second thought.  No hiding in J's shadow, no avoiding people, none of that.  I've never felt this confident and happy before.  I've had good days in the past, but never anything as good as this.  I cannot say that I will never have a bad day again, but I think if I do that they will be a rare thing.  I still have more weight to lose (I've lost about 40lbs so far), my voice still needs work, but really in the big picture of my life those are things I can accomplish.  

Transitioning to Madison has made me into a better person, a happier person, a more confident person.  For perhaps the first time in my life today I actually had some self-esteem.  For the first time I was able to go out and not have a single worry about my outfit, my hair, my makeup, or anything else.  I felt good, I was happy, I had my wonderful wife to spend time with me, I got to see some friends, what more could I ask for?  To borrow a line from Ice Cube, "It Was A Good Day".

- M