I saw Dr. Swenson for the first time one year ago today and she (pleasantly) surprised me by starting me on HRT then and there. Now the appointment was later in the day and as she's 90 minutes from here so I didn't get back until later in the evening and I was so "excited" for lack of a better term we went to dinner to "celebrate" so I didn't end up getting my prescriptions until the following day, so technically I guess tomorrow marks one year; but since I've got time to write this today we'll go with that.
I had done my research prior to visiting her and knew the risks, effects - both reversible and non-reversible, and the expectations given my age. We discussed the best way to proceed, be it to dive right in or to start small and see what happened. Due to my age, and the other medications I'm on among other things we did decide to start slowly and build up. So I've been on Estradiol and Spirolactone (forgiven me if I don't have the names exact, I'm too lazy to go look for the correct spellings) since that time. Without getting into specific dosages I'm still below what is probably the "standard dosage" for a trans-woman (if there really is such a thing). I am on enough now that my estrogen level is in the 160-170 range which again is probably low based on my research; however, I do have definite breast growth along with the other "benefits" of the hormones and as I'm looking into having the Orchiectomy, we've elected to keep my dosages stable for now until that's done and then go from there.
However, none of that is really the basis for this post. Over the last few months - basically since my dosage went to it's current level; I've been far more emotional than before. A *lot* of crying especially. Now, I've seen conflicting information as to whether or not the hormones have an actual affect on that or not. I personally believe they do based on these few months. I may have shed a tear or two at a sad movie before for example, but now I'll sit and flat out cry like there's no tomorrow. Yesterday was really bad - I just had the urge to cry all day - for no particular reason. Every little thing that somebody said would upset me. Last night it came to a head - I must've spent a good half hour plus just bawling in my wife's arms - and for no real reason. Maybe it has nothing to do with the hormones; but I don't have any other explanation for it.
My wife, bless her heart, tries to convince me that it's "normal"; but I still wonder if it is or not. I was always independent and preferred to be left along, now I'm a "stage 5 clinger" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14ZO1b3T6jo for those that never saw "Wedding Crashers"). It works out well for my wife since she likes that sort of thing; but it's been a major adjustment for me.
I guess I should cut this short as I'm starting to lose my train of thought (work is getting in the way <G>), so we'll leave it at that.
- M
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Transgender Makeup - Part 2 - Makeup Thoughts
This is a long overdue follow-up post to this post (http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/11/transgender-makeup-part-1-shopping-for.html) about Transgender Makeup shopping. This is more my thoughts and experiences with the various makeup I've used over the last 18 months or so and how it's worked. Obviously, your mileage may vary with any of these products. As there are a lot of products that I've tried there will be several more of these posts to cover everything so that none of them get too awfully long.
- Dermablend Cover Creme - As I've discussed more than once I have very heavy facial hair. The laser hair removal is helping quite a bit but there's still a lot there especially around my jawline; and in some cases the removal makes things worse as the spots where it's been successful are far lighter than spots where it hasn't and after a good shave they really stand out. I use the cover creme after putting on concealer where needed; but prior to any foundation - in my case this gives the foundation a better chance to do it's thing. Now I don't always wear it, if I'm in a real hurry I may skip it and it's not the end of the world if I do; but if I'm going to be out a significant amount of time I make a concerted effort to put this on as it really extends the time before my beard shadow becomes an issue.
It is so thick that's a bit of a pain to get on nice and evenly compared to foundation; but for what it does it's a small price to pay. I do use a regular foundation brush to put it on; but perhaps a sponge might be better - but I've yet to try that. It is a more expensive product, I normally pick it up at Ulta and it runs around $35 give or take. You can find it on Ebay a bit cheaper; but be careful as a lot of what's there are much smaller sizes so while it looks cheaper it may actually be more more expensive in the long run. When I first got mine, as embarrassing as it was at the time, I asked for help to match the shade of the Dermablend to my face. When you're paying $35 for a small container (granted it lasts a good while) - I thought it was important to get it right the first time rather than guessing. I actually went in looking androgynous rather than in full Madison look (I wasn't quite living "full-time" at the time) and the young lady that helped me was a bit taken aback at first, but quickly got over that and was *incredibly helpful*. Well worth a bit of embarrassment on my part to get her help to get it matched correctly the first time.
- CoverFX Foundation - I picked this up at Sephora a good while back as when "M" and I went in for our makeup lesson (which was more of a makeover, but still worthwhile) that's what the technician used. It's a powder style foundation which makes is actually easier for me to use than a liquid (although I now mostly use a liquid, but I'll get to that later). It does a good job on it's own and a very good job when paired with the cover creme above; but I don't think it's as good a match as it could be so I don't use it as much as I used to. Now I tend to use it when I'm in more of a hurry since it's not as thick as the liquid I generally use. It does go on nicely; again I use a foundation brush, but when it was applied at Sephora I believe they used a sponge on it. It does seem to last forever, that's one upside to spending a little more on makeup at places such as Sephora or M.A.C. - they really do last. I will say that "less is more" for the most part - even with what I need to cover up, I don't need a lot - in fact that's one of my failings as I often use way to much of it and have trouble blending it in well. Just like the Dermablend above, it's not exactly a cheap product, so if going to Sephora where I got this, I'd strongly suggest having them use their ColorIQ system to match the shade as closely as possible - they should also then offer to apply the selected shade for you right there so you can see it an ensure you are happy with it.
I hate to cut this short; but work calls. As I said there will be several more posts going forward dealing with this subject. As always thanks for reading.
- M
- Dermablend Cover Creme - As I've discussed more than once I have very heavy facial hair. The laser hair removal is helping quite a bit but there's still a lot there especially around my jawline; and in some cases the removal makes things worse as the spots where it's been successful are far lighter than spots where it hasn't and after a good shave they really stand out. I use the cover creme after putting on concealer where needed; but prior to any foundation - in my case this gives the foundation a better chance to do it's thing. Now I don't always wear it, if I'm in a real hurry I may skip it and it's not the end of the world if I do; but if I'm going to be out a significant amount of time I make a concerted effort to put this on as it really extends the time before my beard shadow becomes an issue.
It is so thick that's a bit of a pain to get on nice and evenly compared to foundation; but for what it does it's a small price to pay. I do use a regular foundation brush to put it on; but perhaps a sponge might be better - but I've yet to try that. It is a more expensive product, I normally pick it up at Ulta and it runs around $35 give or take. You can find it on Ebay a bit cheaper; but be careful as a lot of what's there are much smaller sizes so while it looks cheaper it may actually be more more expensive in the long run. When I first got mine, as embarrassing as it was at the time, I asked for help to match the shade of the Dermablend to my face. When you're paying $35 for a small container (granted it lasts a good while) - I thought it was important to get it right the first time rather than guessing. I actually went in looking androgynous rather than in full Madison look (I wasn't quite living "full-time" at the time) and the young lady that helped me was a bit taken aback at first, but quickly got over that and was *incredibly helpful*. Well worth a bit of embarrassment on my part to get her help to get it matched correctly the first time.
- CoverFX Foundation - I picked this up at Sephora a good while back as when "M" and I went in for our makeup lesson (which was more of a makeover, but still worthwhile) that's what the technician used. It's a powder style foundation which makes is actually easier for me to use than a liquid (although I now mostly use a liquid, but I'll get to that later). It does a good job on it's own and a very good job when paired with the cover creme above; but I don't think it's as good a match as it could be so I don't use it as much as I used to. Now I tend to use it when I'm in more of a hurry since it's not as thick as the liquid I generally use. It does go on nicely; again I use a foundation brush, but when it was applied at Sephora I believe they used a sponge on it. It does seem to last forever, that's one upside to spending a little more on makeup at places such as Sephora or M.A.C. - they really do last. I will say that "less is more" for the most part - even with what I need to cover up, I don't need a lot - in fact that's one of my failings as I often use way to much of it and have trouble blending it in well. Just like the Dermablend above, it's not exactly a cheap product, so if going to Sephora where I got this, I'd strongly suggest having them use their ColorIQ system to match the shade as closely as possible - they should also then offer to apply the selected shade for you right there so you can see it an ensure you are happy with it.
I hate to cut this short; but work calls. As I said there will be several more posts going forward dealing with this subject. As always thanks for reading.
- M
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Holidays And (Lack Of) Family Redux
Recently I commented on the impact of the holidays and lack of my genetic family in my life (Here: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/11/holidays-and-lack-of-family.html ).
As much as I love dresses; it's only the second time I've worn one out in public (I also wore this dress to my Uncle/Aunt's 35th anniversary last month); and I've never worn it with those shoes. They're a pair of "booties" with a good 4 inch stiletto heel which I love, but I can't normally walk in for very long. However, I wanted to look nice for my wife/Mistress so went with them.
Now not only would this be the first time I saw her parents as Madison; if you look closely you can see my slave collar on. We had talked about that and while I left the decision to her (as well all decisions these days); my "preference" was to not take it off, but if she wanted to I would understand. She elected to leave it on, which truth be told added to my nervousness as I knew her parents/friends would notice it and I wasn't sure how that would go.
Let me say how wonderful dinner and the evening was. I continued to be nervous; but as the night progressed I would like to think I slowly got over that. Dinner was so good; especially the stuffing as I normally don't eat that, but her Mom's was phenomenal. It was so nice to have that "family experience" both for myself and more important for my wife/Mistress. She's very close to her parents and in the past I've given her some grief for that; but truth be told I suppose it was in large part to me being jealous that she has that and I don't. I can't speak for her parents; but to me they're now the closest thing I have to parents and I both appreciate and care for them as such.
I need to go as I still have a significant part of my "to do" list to get done, but I wanted to discuss this wonderful evening while it was still reasonably fresh in my mind. :)
- M
While I am incredibly happy with the family I've chosen to have - especially my wife/Mistress who is absolutely the love of my life - I do miss having actual "family interaction" sometimes - more so this time of year.
Well yesterday my wife and I went to her parents for a late Thanksgiving dinner. She had an absolutely rotten day at work and I was so worried about her that I offered for us to stay home or even for us to go out to a quiet dinner; but she was adamant that she wanted to have a nice evening with her parents and their friends. Truth be told; her bad day was the majority reason for my offer; but not the only reason. I was nervous - no I was scared to go. While her parents and the friends in question are all aware of my transition to Madison, they had never seen me as Madison. It's one thing for me to go out in public and be around strangers as I really don't care what they think; but I do care what her parents think and more so I care what they think of her.
Just before we got there she asked me if I was nervous and I couldn't lie so I told her I was. She repeatedly offered for us not to go; but I couldn't do that to her. She's always so wonderful to me, there was no way I could deprive her of Thanksgiving with her family, especially after her rough day at work.
As a side note, below is the outfit I wore. For some reason I can't get it to link to the Flickr copy - I've done it here before; so I had to upload the image here which agitates me. Additionally, I'm not sure what setting(s) I've changed on the camera but it's not taking very good pictures. I've "reset" it so hopefully going forward they will be better.
Just before we got there she asked me if I was nervous and I couldn't lie so I told her I was. She repeatedly offered for us not to go; but I couldn't do that to her. She's always so wonderful to me, there was no way I could deprive her of Thanksgiving with her family, especially after her rough day at work.
As a side note, below is the outfit I wore. For some reason I can't get it to link to the Flickr copy - I've done it here before; so I had to upload the image here which agitates me. Additionally, I'm not sure what setting(s) I've changed on the camera but it's not taking very good pictures. I've "reset" it so hopefully going forward they will be better.
As much as I love dresses; it's only the second time I've worn one out in public (I also wore this dress to my Uncle/Aunt's 35th anniversary last month); and I've never worn it with those shoes. They're a pair of "booties" with a good 4 inch stiletto heel which I love, but I can't normally walk in for very long. However, I wanted to look nice for my wife/Mistress so went with them.
Now not only would this be the first time I saw her parents as Madison; if you look closely you can see my slave collar on. We had talked about that and while I left the decision to her (as well all decisions these days); my "preference" was to not take it off, but if she wanted to I would understand. She elected to leave it on, which truth be told added to my nervousness as I knew her parents/friends would notice it and I wasn't sure how that would go.
Let me say how wonderful dinner and the evening was. I continued to be nervous; but as the night progressed I would like to think I slowly got over that. Dinner was so good; especially the stuffing as I normally don't eat that, but her Mom's was phenomenal. It was so nice to have that "family experience" both for myself and more important for my wife/Mistress. She's very close to her parents and in the past I've given her some grief for that; but truth be told I suppose it was in large part to me being jealous that she has that and I don't. I can't speak for her parents; but to me they're now the closest thing I have to parents and I both appreciate and care for them as such.
I need to go as I still have a significant part of my "to do" list to get done, but I wanted to discuss this wonderful evening while it was still reasonably fresh in my mind. :)
- M
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Holidays And (Lack Of) Family
I think I've made it pretty clear that my family is basically my wife, daughter, and my roommates (my ex-wife and her husband). I've had a little contact with my one Uncle/Aunt; but the reality of it is that really been nothing more than superficial at best.
For the most part I've made peace with that; but this time of year it is hard for things to be that way. I don't begrudge anyone who does have family that they spend time with - in fact I'm very happy for them, but it's so hard for me seeing how happy they all seem to be while I sit here at home basically alone knowing I no longer have that.
There are many reasons it's like this, some are my fault, others probably not; but when this time of year rolls around - well I seem to dwell on the reasons that are my fault. This isn't meant to be a pity party for me; I made many of the choices that have led to this; but I honestly sit here and wonder if I were to be gone from this life would anybody other than my wife/daughter/roommates even care? I never used to be able to understand how people could be depressed this time of year; but now not only do I understand it, I'm living it.
But through the depressed feelings, I've come to realize that the family I do have - my incredibly wonderful wife, my loving daughter, and even my roommates - are all I really need to be happy. We get along, we argue, we make amends, and all of the other things that a genetic family does; but no matter what we are here for each other. Nobody more than my wife - she's my beacon of light in what sometimes seems like a dark and dreary night. I would sacrifice everything, including my life if need be, to protect and care for her. She makes me happy like no other before and no other ever could. If I have a regret it's that it took me so long to realize just how wonderful she really is. If you ever read this Mistress - and I say that term with pride, know that I love you and care about you with all my heart. Every part of me is yours and I will spend every moment the rest of my life showing you that.
- M
For the most part I've made peace with that; but this time of year it is hard for things to be that way. I don't begrudge anyone who does have family that they spend time with - in fact I'm very happy for them, but it's so hard for me seeing how happy they all seem to be while I sit here at home basically alone knowing I no longer have that.
There are many reasons it's like this, some are my fault, others probably not; but when this time of year rolls around - well I seem to dwell on the reasons that are my fault. This isn't meant to be a pity party for me; I made many of the choices that have led to this; but I honestly sit here and wonder if I were to be gone from this life would anybody other than my wife/daughter/roommates even care? I never used to be able to understand how people could be depressed this time of year; but now not only do I understand it, I'm living it.
But through the depressed feelings, I've come to realize that the family I do have - my incredibly wonderful wife, my loving daughter, and even my roommates - are all I really need to be happy. We get along, we argue, we make amends, and all of the other things that a genetic family does; but no matter what we are here for each other. Nobody more than my wife - she's my beacon of light in what sometimes seems like a dark and dreary night. I would sacrifice everything, including my life if need be, to protect and care for her. She makes me happy like no other before and no other ever could. If I have a regret it's that it took me so long to realize just how wonderful she really is. If you ever read this Mistress - and I say that term with pride, know that I love you and care about you with all my heart. Every part of me is yours and I will spend every moment the rest of my life showing you that.
- M
What Am I Thankful For
I basically wrote this same post in my submissive blog at my wife/Mistress's request; but I thought it deserved to appear here as well:
What Am I Thankful For? Actually quite a bit. However, I don't want to go on all day so I'll give a list of 9 that I'm incredibly thankful for:
What Am I Thankful For? Actually quite a bit. However, I don't want to go on all day so I'll give a list of 9 that I'm incredibly thankful for:
- I'm thankful for my daughter. There have been plenty of ups and downs over the years, but when my first wife and I got divorced; my daughter chose to stay with me which was always something special to me. I'd like to see her show more initiative on things and perhaps go back to school; but regardless of that I love her and cherish her.
- My wife/Mistress. I simply could not ask for a more wonderful wife; much less Mistress. It's been a few hours under 4 weeks now since we agreed to "try this out", and they've been the most wonderful 4 weeks of my 43+ years of life. I could go on and on; but I won't - I'll simply say how much I love her both as a wife and as a Mistress and that I can never do enough to show her how special she is, but I will continue to try each and every day.
- My roommates. This one is a little weird and bears some explanation as there is often stress in the house and the majority of it revolves around them. However, without having been married to "M", I wouldn't have my daughter today; nor would I likely have my wife/Mistress today; and for that I'm eternally grateful despite anything else. I'm also grateful that she has been supportive of my gender change and provided a great deal of assistance with things. I'm grateful for her husband, even though he's among the crabbiest people I've ever met. Truth be told, I see a lot of the person I used to be in him, which is a constant source of amusement for me since if "M" didn't want me, why did she end up with someone like me? However, when he's in a decent mood, he can actually be pleasant to be around; but what I'm really grateful for is that somehow he keeps "M" happy; and despite anything in the past, I do consider a friend - well more of a sister - and I want her happy and if he can do it - well then I'm grateful for that.
- My friend Destiny. Seeing her last summer is what gave me the impetus to pursue my gender change. Without that "push" such that it was I'd not be Madison today.
- My friends Mandy, Nicole, and Elena. I've had many supportive friends; but these three stand out. It's easy to be "Facebook Friends"; but these three have repeatedly invited me out with them as Madison and treated me as an equal. This isn't a slam on any of my other friends as I was never very social in the first place; but for the three of them to go out of their way to do what they did - I am extremely thankful for that.
- My cats. We have seven, which is several too many, but they are all rescued cats and I hope we're giving them a far better life than they had in some shelter or out in the wild. Each of them is special in their own ways; from the way Sampson comes up and cries to be fed, to the way Princess sits on the back of my desk chair as she is now, to the way our first (Emily) appears to be going a little senile, they're all special to me and have provided me plenty to be thankful for.
- My uncle Jim and Aunt Sissy. I won't go into my family itself - I've done that in my regular blog here: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/friends-family-and-being-transgendered.html and here: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/family-friends-and-being-transgendered.html, and frankly it's a bit depressing sometimes. However, these two wonderful people are very special to me and I'm very thankful for them; and hope they invite me to their 50th wedding anniversary in 15 years. :)
- My Mother-in-Law and Father-in-Law. Not for the tangible things they've done for me or for my wife; but for the fact that they conceived and raised the most wonderful woman I've ever met. I'm not overly big on religion; but I do give thanks *EVERY DAY* for this.
- Last, but certainly not least a wonderful woman named Janet - actually "Miss Janet" to me, and at one point long ago "Mistress Janet". I owe her so much; she taught a young naive person a lot about the world and the world of BDSM. She's been a trusted sounding board for me over the years. To this day I'm thankful that we can keep in touch and that she has taken the time to provided my wife/Mistress not only a sounding board as well; but also insights into the person I once was and the person I truly hope to be come again.
I think we'll leave it at 9. I'm sure there are others I could've/should've listed here; but these are the ones that came to mind right away and they are all special for various reasons that I've included here as well as many others.
- M
Monday, November 25, 2013
Transgender And The Bathroom
For me, and a lot of Trans-Woman I suspect; using the bathroom is a major source of stress. The rule of thumb says to use the bathroom of the gender you are presenting as. However, as there is no clear cut law on the issue - at least in Missouri - it can be dicey at best. I make every effort to not have to use a bathroom when I'm out; but if I do I usually try to find a "family" bathroom which mitigates the problem; however, that's not always possible, nor is it always possible to wait until I can get home.
So today was a "baby book moment" for me - my wife "J", my friend "M", and I had went to get our eyebrows threaded and then to lunch. We had initially picked a place but due to some driving hijinks we ended up deciding to head to Ameristar casino for their Champagne Brunch.
Once we got there I had to use the bathroom, but I couldn't seem to find a family restroom; so "J" said she'd take me to the ladies room. I am legally female per my court order; but I have not changed my license or birth certificate yet; nor had I thought to bring my "carry letter" from the therapist so I was more than a bit nervous. As it turned out it was completely un-eventful. We got our food, took it to the table and headed off "to the potty". There was a woman at one of the sinks but she didn't pay any attention to us so I hit the first open stall with "J" taking the one next to me. Of course I suddenly couldn't go, but after sitting there for a minute or two the problem took care of itself. "J" finished before me and was washing her hands when I came out. We finished up and proceeded to have a great lunch. One more thing checked off the "girl list".
-M
So today was a "baby book moment" for me - my wife "J", my friend "M", and I had went to get our eyebrows threaded and then to lunch. We had initially picked a place but due to some driving hijinks we ended up deciding to head to Ameristar casino for their Champagne Brunch.
Once we got there I had to use the bathroom, but I couldn't seem to find a family restroom; so "J" said she'd take me to the ladies room. I am legally female per my court order; but I have not changed my license or birth certificate yet; nor had I thought to bring my "carry letter" from the therapist so I was more than a bit nervous. As it turned out it was completely un-eventful. We got our food, took it to the table and headed off "to the potty". There was a woman at one of the sinks but she didn't pay any attention to us so I hit the first open stall with "J" taking the one next to me. Of course I suddenly couldn't go, but after sitting there for a minute or two the problem took care of itself. "J" finished before me and was washing her hands when I came out. We finished up and proceeded to have a great lunch. One more thing checked off the "girl list".
-M
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Missouri Gender Change Redux
As I mentioned 10 days ago (in this post: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/11/gender-change.html) the judge legally approved my gender change this month. Well today I finally got my copies of the certified court order and the paperwork from my lawyer to change it with the state. Up until now it's been almost surreal; but now it's starting to sink in that I am finally legally a woman.
I'm not sure how quickly I'm going to change my license, but I'm going to file the paperwork with the state for getting my birth certificate change this week. If the one for the name change is any indication it'll probably take a month or so which mean that hopefully I'll have it right around Christmas.
It's funny how a little piece of paper can mean so much; but it does.
-M
I'm not sure how quickly I'm going to change my license, but I'm going to file the paperwork with the state for getting my birth certificate change this week. If the one for the name change is any indication it'll probably take a month or so which mean that hopefully I'll have it right around Christmas.
It's funny how a little piece of paper can mean so much; but it does.
-M
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Transgender Makeup - Part 1 - Shopping For Makeup
One of the most important things in my mind for a Trans-woman to master is the art of makeup. While there are exceptions, including my close friend "D" who can pass with little or no makeup; the majority of us cannot. What follows are some of my thoughts on the topic.
One of my flaws early on - and for a great many Trans-women - is that we don't wear our makeup in an age appropriate manner. Now I'm not saying anybody has too, but if you are seeking to blend in one of the worst things you can do is have your makeup done in a style more appropriate for someone 10/20/30 years your junior. Another common thing I see is overdone makeup. Don't get me wrong, I love to wear makeup and look nice, but try going to the grocery store on a weekday morning. At the vast majority of those stores you'll see cis-women with little or no makeup and almost none done up for a night on the town. The same could be said for attire - stilettos for example are something I love, but again you don't see them at the grocery store, library, etc. However, that's a topic for another day, today's is makeup.
Lets talk about the elephant in the room to start with - purchasing makeup. This seems to be the largest hurdle for many Trans-women, including myself at one point. Some deal with this by utilizing the Internet and while that's great once you know what kinds of things you like and what works for you it can be frustrating (and expensive) early on as you're playing a guessing game to a large extent. I'd recommend biting the bullet and going to the store personally. Now, if you have a supportive significant other or even friend that can/will go with you that can greatly ease the stress; but even if you don't I want to say a few things. I spent nearly three years as a part-time cashier and then customer service manager (cashier supervisor basically) at Wal-Mart and then about a year as a part-time cashier at Target and trust me plenty of men, cross-dressers, and Trans-women came in alone and bought makeup. Virtually nobody gives it a second thought. We're too busy worrying about our break/lunch, what we're doing when we get off work, our families, and a million other things to care about what you're buying. Now are there exceptions to that? Yes, especially older cashiers, they're usually slower and pay more attention to what they're scanning. Younger cashiers are generally faster, are less concerned with what they're scanning, and often times even if they do pay attention they're more accepting anyway. What you DO NOT want to do is start making excuses for the makeup you're buying - nothing draws attention to things quicker than that. It should be no different than any other shopping trip for you.
A special word about "self checkouts". Those are hit and miss for a couple of reasons. Generally there is a stand where an employee monitors those self-checkouts and they can see everything that is rang up. Now that assumes that the employee is actively monitoring their system; but don't think that simply because you're not directly in front of a cashier that you're not being watched by one. The other "concern" is that a great deal of makeup has very small barcodes that can be difficult to scan. A regular cashier is used to that and will generally know just how to get the scanner to read it; but for somebody just in there to shop who may be nervous it's sometimes a challenge and you may quickly find an overly helpful employee standing next to you which can draw unwanted attention. Therefore if you are trying to get in and out the easiest I would suggest a young busy cashier as I said above; now if you've made it to the point I have where you don't care then self-checkout away.
From a personal perspective, I've also found that higher end stores such as M.A.C. and Sephora are great for this. Now it's more of a "personal experience" there as they have sales people roaming the floor; but both of these stores seem to cater to the Trans community. I've never had a salesperson be anything less than helpful there. Additionally, they're generally more than happy to help you make choices based upon what you're looking for and will generally demo it on you if you'd like. I still recall my first visit to a M.A.C. store; it was before I made the decision to transition - I was basically still cross-dressing. I wanted to wear lipstick on a regular basis so I decided I needed something in a nude shade to match my lip color. A very sweet young lady spent a good 15-20 minutes working with me to pick out a great lipstick and lip liner, and even took the time to apply it and explain what/how she was doing. Since I was so new at things it was great for me.
Sephora has been just as helpful. Their ColorIQ foundation matching system is great; although it didn't work very well for me as my skin was overly red from a laser treatment a day or two prior. However, the young woman assisting me took the time to try out several foundations until we found the perfect match and even re-did my makeup for me. I walked out looking better than when I walked in. I've also had a "make over" there. My roommate "M" and I went. I believe it's $50 *OR* you can purchase that amount in makeup (I ended up purchasing way more than that). It was about 45 minutes and she took my input as to what I liked and did my whole face explaining it along the way. Now I will say Sephora does this out in the middle of their sales floor; so if you're shy (like I am) this may be something you have to work up to. I was able to handle it and am glad I did; but I know our local M.A.C. store has both a setup on the floor as well as one in back if you don't want to be on public display while your makeup is being done. Despite the fact that it was hard for me to go into these stores back in the day I'm so grateful that I did as it allowed me to get some much needed help finding a good shade of foundation. Once I did it gave me so much more confidence with the rest of my makeup and my appearance that I started going out more often which I think has been a huge help to my transition.
The bottom line is that you're the customer with money to spend and these stores want that money. I've had nothing but good experiences at stores such as Sephora, M.A.C., Ulta, and Beauty Brands, and I don't hesitate to shop at discount stores - even "dollar stores" often have some great makeup cheap. I often pick up things there for "practice", but I've found a few things that I use regularly - just don't get attached as the dollar stores often get whatever inventory they get - it may be overstock, discontinued, or whatever; but it's generally not replenished.
I think this has gotten long enough; so I'm going to wrap it up now. The next time I post, I'll start covering specific makeup items and my experiences with them.
Thanks for reading.
-M
One of my flaws early on - and for a great many Trans-women - is that we don't wear our makeup in an age appropriate manner. Now I'm not saying anybody has too, but if you are seeking to blend in one of the worst things you can do is have your makeup done in a style more appropriate for someone 10/20/30 years your junior. Another common thing I see is overdone makeup. Don't get me wrong, I love to wear makeup and look nice, but try going to the grocery store on a weekday morning. At the vast majority of those stores you'll see cis-women with little or no makeup and almost none done up for a night on the town. The same could be said for attire - stilettos for example are something I love, but again you don't see them at the grocery store, library, etc. However, that's a topic for another day, today's is makeup.
Lets talk about the elephant in the room to start with - purchasing makeup. This seems to be the largest hurdle for many Trans-women, including myself at one point. Some deal with this by utilizing the Internet and while that's great once you know what kinds of things you like and what works for you it can be frustrating (and expensive) early on as you're playing a guessing game to a large extent. I'd recommend biting the bullet and going to the store personally. Now, if you have a supportive significant other or even friend that can/will go with you that can greatly ease the stress; but even if you don't I want to say a few things. I spent nearly three years as a part-time cashier and then customer service manager (cashier supervisor basically) at Wal-Mart and then about a year as a part-time cashier at Target and trust me plenty of men, cross-dressers, and Trans-women came in alone and bought makeup. Virtually nobody gives it a second thought. We're too busy worrying about our break/lunch, what we're doing when we get off work, our families, and a million other things to care about what you're buying. Now are there exceptions to that? Yes, especially older cashiers, they're usually slower and pay more attention to what they're scanning. Younger cashiers are generally faster, are less concerned with what they're scanning, and often times even if they do pay attention they're more accepting anyway. What you DO NOT want to do is start making excuses for the makeup you're buying - nothing draws attention to things quicker than that. It should be no different than any other shopping trip for you.
A special word about "self checkouts". Those are hit and miss for a couple of reasons. Generally there is a stand where an employee monitors those self-checkouts and they can see everything that is rang up. Now that assumes that the employee is actively monitoring their system; but don't think that simply because you're not directly in front of a cashier that you're not being watched by one. The other "concern" is that a great deal of makeup has very small barcodes that can be difficult to scan. A regular cashier is used to that and will generally know just how to get the scanner to read it; but for somebody just in there to shop who may be nervous it's sometimes a challenge and you may quickly find an overly helpful employee standing next to you which can draw unwanted attention. Therefore if you are trying to get in and out the easiest I would suggest a young busy cashier as I said above; now if you've made it to the point I have where you don't care then self-checkout away.
From a personal perspective, I've also found that higher end stores such as M.A.C. and Sephora are great for this. Now it's more of a "personal experience" there as they have sales people roaming the floor; but both of these stores seem to cater to the Trans community. I've never had a salesperson be anything less than helpful there. Additionally, they're generally more than happy to help you make choices based upon what you're looking for and will generally demo it on you if you'd like. I still recall my first visit to a M.A.C. store; it was before I made the decision to transition - I was basically still cross-dressing. I wanted to wear lipstick on a regular basis so I decided I needed something in a nude shade to match my lip color. A very sweet young lady spent a good 15-20 minutes working with me to pick out a great lipstick and lip liner, and even took the time to apply it and explain what/how she was doing. Since I was so new at things it was great for me.
Sephora has been just as helpful. Their ColorIQ foundation matching system is great; although it didn't work very well for me as my skin was overly red from a laser treatment a day or two prior. However, the young woman assisting me took the time to try out several foundations until we found the perfect match and even re-did my makeup for me. I walked out looking better than when I walked in. I've also had a "make over" there. My roommate "M" and I went. I believe it's $50 *OR* you can purchase that amount in makeup (I ended up purchasing way more than that). It was about 45 minutes and she took my input as to what I liked and did my whole face explaining it along the way. Now I will say Sephora does this out in the middle of their sales floor; so if you're shy (like I am) this may be something you have to work up to. I was able to handle it and am glad I did; but I know our local M.A.C. store has both a setup on the floor as well as one in back if you don't want to be on public display while your makeup is being done. Despite the fact that it was hard for me to go into these stores back in the day I'm so grateful that I did as it allowed me to get some much needed help finding a good shade of foundation. Once I did it gave me so much more confidence with the rest of my makeup and my appearance that I started going out more often which I think has been a huge help to my transition.
The bottom line is that you're the customer with money to spend and these stores want that money. I've had nothing but good experiences at stores such as Sephora, M.A.C., Ulta, and Beauty Brands, and I don't hesitate to shop at discount stores - even "dollar stores" often have some great makeup cheap. I often pick up things there for "practice", but I've found a few things that I use regularly - just don't get attached as the dollar stores often get whatever inventory they get - it may be overstock, discontinued, or whatever; but it's generally not replenished.
I think this has gotten long enough; so I'm going to wrap it up now. The next time I post, I'll start covering specific makeup items and my experiences with them.
Thanks for reading.
-M
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 4
Another in a series of posts detailing experiences out and about in the St. Louis area as a Transgender Woman.
UPDATE: Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts: My Transgender Experiences. Additionally, I've went back and added more links and made some updates to some of the individual entries below since over time some things have changed.
UPDATE: Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts: My Transgender Experiences. Additionally, I've went back and added more links and made some updates to some of the individual entries below since over time some things have changed.
Services:
- *UPDATE* - Exquisite Threading (Clayton, Missouri) - I've been there two more times since my original post. The first of those two visits, I had the same lady I had the prior time - she remembered me, so I guess I still stand out more than I'd like. However, once again she did a tremendous job; my eyebrows would've rivaled any CIS-Woman's after she was done. HOWEVER, the most recent visit - which was sooner than normal as I had gotten spoiled to have my brows so nice, I got somebody else. Had if I hadn't had such a great job the two prior times I might've said this was a great job; but in comparison it suffered. She was a bit sloppy on the outer edges and didn't bother to trim them down after the threading like they normally do. It wasn't really noticeable until I got home in some bright light in the bathroom; so like I said it wasn't "bad"; just not as great as it had been in the past. Still highly recommended.
- *UPDATE* - Susan Jacobsen (Attorney, Brentwood, Missouri) - Ms. Jacobsen assisted me with my legal name (and gender) change recently. Both of those have now been completed, although I won't get the certified copy of the gender change until later this week. Everything I said about her in the initial review still stands. She is a wonderful person to work with; she has been incredibly accessible via email (my preferred method of communication); but also returns calls promptly. She's been proactive and I know this sounds almost silly, but "caring". Sometimes I basically need my "hand held" for things and she's done that adeptly. Couldn't speak more highly of her.
Retailers:
- *UPDATE* - Wal-Mart (Wentzville Missouri) - I'm still a little hesitant to use dressing rooms at some retailers; but this is NOT one of them. The various ladies at the fitting room have always been polite and professional and I don't hesitate to shop for clothes there.
- Schnucks (Wentzville, Missouri) - Probably not quite as friendly as the Shop-n-Save I rave about; but I've never had any issues here. I think the Schnuck's at Hwy K & Hwy N and the one in Lake Saint Louis are nicer stores (newer too?); but this one is in a more convenient location since it's near a Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, Dierberg's, Best Buy, etc.
- Dierberg's (Wentzville, Missouri) - I would rank them at or near the Shop-n-Save as far as friendliness. The only reason we don't shop here as often is that they are generally higher priced than Shop-n-Save and not as close to home. But the associates have all been tremendously helpful and friendly and I don't hesitate at all to shop here.
- Sam's Club (Wentzville, Missouri) - I normally visit here with "M" and while nobody is overly friendly; I've had no issues here.
Restaurants:
- Qdoba - (Dardenne Prairie, Missouri) - My wife likes this a lot more than I do; although their chips and queso is very good; and they now have one of the Coca-Cola Freestyle machines which is nice for her - I only drink plain Coke so that doesn't help me either. The couple of times I've been in there I've been treated politely and respectfully and will continue to visit.
- Hardee's (Wentzville, Missouri) - They have a lot of food I like and they also have the Freestyle Coca Cola machine. Again, I've always been treated politely and respectfully there.
I think that'll cover it for now, thanks for reading.
- M
Being A Submissive Transgender
As I alluded to the other day some changes have taken place between myself and my wife besides my legal name and gender changes.
This post will touch on Dominance and Submission (D/S) and if that is not your cup of tea, then I would suggest not reading further. The topics are here are by no means "adult"; I prefer to keep this blog as "general reading", and this post will focus more on the "power exchange" aspect, but I realize that it's not everyone's thing.
Both my wife and I are naturally submissive people. That's proven to be a challenge over the years as we've both went back and forth trying to be the dominant partner in our marriage and we've never had any success. However, on our fourth wedding anniversary which was just under two weeks ago; my wife proposed we try again with her as the dominant partner.
I was initially apprehensive as while we are both naturally submissive, she always seemed to be the more submissive of the two of us - she's lived that life style before and she "gets it". I lived it before, but it was not a full-time thing like her and the reality is that I was young and things were different then, I'm now older and I really "didn't get it". At it's purest form, D/S is about "Power Exchange" between individuals. Each D/S relationship is different due to the dynamics between any two given people. It can be as simple as one partner making decisions such as what to have for dinner, or up to giving up complete and total control of everything in your life to someone else. Most tend to fall somewhere in the middle with limits are discussed/negotiated.
When my wife suggested it several days ago; things were different. With her promotion a few months ago she's become a different person. A better person. Not that anything was ever wrong with her; but she has finally become able to stand up for herself and speak her mind when it's appropriate instead of simply taking whatever was pushed her way. I was torn as to what to do as most recently we had tried things with me as the dominant and this would mean that I had failed (yet again); and I felt selfish for letting her do this.
She asked for one week to "prove herself" (her words, not mine) and I readily agreed. All I can say is "WOW", she is a different person now and I couldn't love her more. She can and does make decisions, she has no issues expressing her opinions, and so on. When I agreed to this, I figured in for a penny, in for a pound, so I told her I had no limits; therefore we'd be at the far end of the spectrum as a total Power Exchange.
I can't lie, it's been difficult at times as to suddenly go from being the "more dominant" personality in the relationship to one that is totally submissive is quite a change. She's been moving carefully with things, but we've never been happier together. As I said I don't necessarily want to get into specifics in order to keep this from turning into an Adult blog; but I wouldn't trade my situation for anybody's.
-M
This post will touch on Dominance and Submission (D/S) and if that is not your cup of tea, then I would suggest not reading further. The topics are here are by no means "adult"; I prefer to keep this blog as "general reading", and this post will focus more on the "power exchange" aspect, but I realize that it's not everyone's thing.
Both my wife and I are naturally submissive people. That's proven to be a challenge over the years as we've both went back and forth trying to be the dominant partner in our marriage and we've never had any success. However, on our fourth wedding anniversary which was just under two weeks ago; my wife proposed we try again with her as the dominant partner.
I was initially apprehensive as while we are both naturally submissive, she always seemed to be the more submissive of the two of us - she's lived that life style before and she "gets it". I lived it before, but it was not a full-time thing like her and the reality is that I was young and things were different then, I'm now older and I really "didn't get it". At it's purest form, D/S is about "Power Exchange" between individuals. Each D/S relationship is different due to the dynamics between any two given people. It can be as simple as one partner making decisions such as what to have for dinner, or up to giving up complete and total control of everything in your life to someone else. Most tend to fall somewhere in the middle with limits are discussed/negotiated.
When my wife suggested it several days ago; things were different. With her promotion a few months ago she's become a different person. A better person. Not that anything was ever wrong with her; but she has finally become able to stand up for herself and speak her mind when it's appropriate instead of simply taking whatever was pushed her way. I was torn as to what to do as most recently we had tried things with me as the dominant and this would mean that I had failed (yet again); and I felt selfish for letting her do this.
She asked for one week to "prove herself" (her words, not mine) and I readily agreed. All I can say is "WOW", she is a different person now and I couldn't love her more. She can and does make decisions, she has no issues expressing her opinions, and so on. When I agreed to this, I figured in for a penny, in for a pound, so I told her I had no limits; therefore we'd be at the far end of the spectrum as a total Power Exchange.
I can't lie, it's been difficult at times as to suddenly go from being the "more dominant" personality in the relationship to one that is totally submissive is quite a change. She's been moving carefully with things, but we've never been happier together. As I said I don't necessarily want to get into specifics in order to keep this from turning into an Adult blog; but I wouldn't trade my situation for anybody's.
-M
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Gender Surgery
I know I still need to discuss the "relationship change" I mentioned yesterday; but I figured that could wait for another day.
As a trans-woman, the ultimate destination for me is Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS, or as some refer to it SRS). The reality of the matter for me is that while it's expensive, we could probably make it happen; but it would likely cost me my job. I have a job that I really like and that allows me to work from home. Unfortunately it's for a (very) small company so EEOC protections don't apply, ENDA won't apply, and so on. I'm already out on a limb with what I've done so far, but I recently traveled to a conference with my boss/owner and he didn't seem to notice any changes - I was a bit concerned about my breast growth; but I managed to wear baggier polo's and a light jacket since it was cooler there.
However, GRS would put me out of commission for enough time I'd have a hard time explaining that and I'm sure it would eventually get out. As it is I've kept my word in that I have not had a "sex change". I realize I'm splitting hairs there, but it is the truth. While the name I've chosen - Madison - is less uni-sex that I thought it was, I figure when I finally have to share that I can chalk it up to a simple name change and point out that I kept my original (very male) name as my middle name which I'm hoping will appease him and the majority owner.
That all being said, after finding out that my judgment to change my gender legally from male to female has been signed I started thinking about a Orchiectomy ("Orchi"). Without getting too graphic, it's basically an outpatient surgery that removes the testicles themselves.
People might question the reason behind that and there are several in no particular order:
As a trans-woman, the ultimate destination for me is Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS, or as some refer to it SRS). The reality of the matter for me is that while it's expensive, we could probably make it happen; but it would likely cost me my job. I have a job that I really like and that allows me to work from home. Unfortunately it's for a (very) small company so EEOC protections don't apply, ENDA won't apply, and so on. I'm already out on a limb with what I've done so far, but I recently traveled to a conference with my boss/owner and he didn't seem to notice any changes - I was a bit concerned about my breast growth; but I managed to wear baggier polo's and a light jacket since it was cooler there.
However, GRS would put me out of commission for enough time I'd have a hard time explaining that and I'm sure it would eventually get out. As it is I've kept my word in that I have not had a "sex change". I realize I'm splitting hairs there, but it is the truth. While the name I've chosen - Madison - is less uni-sex that I thought it was, I figure when I finally have to share that I can chalk it up to a simple name change and point out that I kept my original (very male) name as my middle name which I'm hoping will appease him and the majority owner.
That all being said, after finding out that my judgment to change my gender legally from male to female has been signed I started thinking about a Orchiectomy ("Orchi"). Without getting too graphic, it's basically an outpatient surgery that removes the testicles themselves.
People might question the reason behind that and there are several in no particular order:
- Ideally I'd be able to cut back on my testosterone blocking medication since my body would no longer produce that. Personally less medicine is always a good thing to me.
- From a mental standpoint it would make me feel better about myself which less parts "down there".
- From a vanity standpoint, it would help eliminate issues with an unsightly bulge in certain clothes.
- Lastly, to me it would affirm my decision to transition as at this point everything I've done is more or less reversible.
This is something I've discussed with my spouse and she supports it; although I've asked her to keep thinking about it for a bit to be sure. I go see the Doctor who's supervising my hormones in about 10 days and I'm going to get her opinion on it; and I have a therapist visit in 5 weeks or so and I'll get her opinion as well. Assuming neither has a good reason not to do it, I'm going to request the authorization letter from my therapist; although the surgeon I think I would see doesn't seem to normally require letters (some require two just as with GRS).
As of now, unless my Doctor has a suggestion for somebody more "local", I'm leaning towards going to Michigan. It's close enough to drive - albeit a long 8-10 hour drive so I could avoid flying; and I figure it would be a nice road trip my wife and I. With it being an outpatient procedure we should be able to leave the morning before, spend the night, have the procedure done, and spend another night or two for me to "recover", before heading home.
I don't want to put the cart ahead of the horse, so until I can speak with at least my HRT Doctor this is really only some thoughts - but if she is okay with it; then I can get more serious and perhaps see about arranging it for early next year.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Gender Change
It's been several days since I've posted here. A week ago today was my fourth wedding anniversary - we've been together for closer to eight. Our marriage was significantly altered that day - for the better - but that's for another post.
Today's topic is my Gender Change. Monday, marked 30 days since my court appearance. As I've detailed in a prior post the name change was granted immediately and the gender change was supposed to be "under consideration" for 30 days. When I spoke with my lawyer last week she implied that the judge was actually going to hold it until I got my amended birth certificate. As luck would have it, when I got home Monday evening, the birth certificate was waiting for me in the mail box. I again spoke with my lawyer on Tuesday and she spoke with the judge's clerk who said it would be signed on Wednesday.
Well here we are on Friday and I haven't heard anything, nor has "Case.Net" been updated. So with it being a long weekend (Veteran's Day on Monday), I contacted my lawyer to see if she had an update. She did not, but she promptly called the judge's clerk and found out that the order has in fact been signed and the clerk has just been busy; but that it will go out this afternoon or possibly Tuesday since Monday is a holiday.
So while I don't have it in hand, it does appear that I'm now actually legally a female as far as the State Of Missouri is concerned. I still have to have my license updated and birth certificate amended a second time each; but it's a small price to pay in my mind.
With that I'm going to cut this short; but I'll be back over the weekend to explain the comment in the first paragraph.
- M
Today's topic is my Gender Change. Monday, marked 30 days since my court appearance. As I've detailed in a prior post the name change was granted immediately and the gender change was supposed to be "under consideration" for 30 days. When I spoke with my lawyer last week she implied that the judge was actually going to hold it until I got my amended birth certificate. As luck would have it, when I got home Monday evening, the birth certificate was waiting for me in the mail box. I again spoke with my lawyer on Tuesday and she spoke with the judge's clerk who said it would be signed on Wednesday.
Well here we are on Friday and I haven't heard anything, nor has "Case.Net" been updated. So with it being a long weekend (Veteran's Day on Monday), I contacted my lawyer to see if she had an update. She did not, but she promptly called the judge's clerk and found out that the order has in fact been signed and the clerk has just been busy; but that it will go out this afternoon or possibly Tuesday since Monday is a holiday.
So while I don't have it in hand, it does appear that I'm now actually legally a female as far as the State Of Missouri is concerned. I still have to have my license updated and birth certificate amended a second time each; but it's a small price to pay in my mind.
With that I'm going to cut this short; but I'll be back over the weekend to explain the comment in the first paragraph.
- M
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Handling Facial/Body Hair For A Transgender Woman
My single biggest issue with my female presentation is hair. The huge lack of it on my head and the huge abundance of it *everywhere* else. The lack of hair on my head is something I've dealt with via wigs and while it's not what I want to do; I really don't have a choice and I've found a couple I really like.
The body hair, especially my face, is another story. I have "5 o'clock shadow" at 5am, much less 5pm; so it's always a concern. A good shave, and the right makeup and application of that makeup can cover it up; but only for so many hours. Now that's normally not a huge concern of mine as I normally don't go running around all day - I do what I need to do and return home. However, even if that's not a huge concern, the time and money spent on cover-up makeup does add up and could be better spent on other things. For my body, some parts are more important than others as it can really limit the clothing I'm willing to go out in. I tend to worry about my lower legs (knees down), my arms, and my upper chest the most; I'll generally do those on average twice a week; although that varies - if I'm going out "dressy" - which I usually know in advance I may shave extra; or if I have no plans leading up to when I'm going out, I may drag it out - either way I want to handle it as close to the "event" as possible. My lower chest/stomach, and upper legs - those are generally once a week as normally those parts won't show; but I don't like the feeling of the hair as it gets longer and it becomes a much bigger hassle if it gets too long. My back, well I have to coordinate that so my wife can help me as while I can reach most of it, I can't get it all.
However, the real subject here is my face. When I first started going out, it was so seldom, I tended to let my facial hair grow until I was going out - this made it easier on my face to shave; but also meant I couldn't just "up and go" if something came up. So now I do it basically every day (unless it's irritated from the laser, which I'll get to in a moment). I love a good hot bath - I know that may not be the greatest thing, but it's one of my guilty pleasures, and I can think of many worse things I could be doing. So once I get the water how I want it I'll take a wash cloth or a "bath poof" and dampen my face. Once that's done I'll apply shave gel or cream (I prefer gel, but I will use whatever my wife picks up) and get as close a shave as I can *twice*. Once with the grain and once against the grain. The upside is that I end up with a much better shave that way; the downside being that I tend to have extra redness from the added "abuse" of doing it twice.
Once I've done that, I'll then use a facial scrub and a buffer sponge (or whatever it's called) - basically it's a white oval shaped spongy looking thing - to scrub that off. Upon getting out, I'll dry my face carefully and then apply some moisturizer when I think about it - I've gotten better about this and go it virtually all the time now; but on occasion I do forget. Once that's soaked in, I very carefully check for any "missed spots" and correct those as best I can. At that point I'm ready to get dressed and get my makeup done.
Now, while shaving does work; it's not ideal for a myriad of reasons so I am currently undergoing laser treatments. I know it's not nearly as permanent as electrolysis, but with my facial hair being so thick - especially around my jawline - my hope was to clear what I could reasonably via laser and then move to electrolysis. Here I am now six sessions (and about $1500) into it and while I can see spots that appear clear; it's not nearly what I had hoped it would be. On top of that, if you read one of my recent posts (this one: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/st-louis-area-tg-experiences-part-3.html), I currently a little agitated at the business I'm using for this.
That being said, since my next appointment is still nearly two months out, I think I'm going to give my face a week or two to "rest" and I'm going to make an appointment for an electrolysis consultation. I've found a place that is *VERY* close to home (less than 10 minutes) that looks promising. I'm a little concerned about cost as their rates aren't too bad from my research; but the sheer amount of time it would likely take along with the fact that I'd likely be going (a lot) more often might make it cost prohibitive at least for now. It appears that it's $32 for the first 15 minutes and then $12 for each additional 15 minutes after that; so I guess to try it once I could probably go for say 30 minutes and if it went well then for future sessions 60 or 90 minutes if I can take that long at one sitting - obviously the longer the session the more it distributes the higher cost of the initial 15 minutes. My thoughts are that if some work could be done on my jawline then at worst it should make the laser less painful; and if it looks to be effective I could drop the laser - it would still be more expensive if I went every week or even every other week; and it might not be as quick; but it should be permanent. The bigger concern I have is that apparently you have to have some facial growth for it to be effective which means I'd be basically stuck at home for a day or two before and possibly a day or two after depending upon how my skin reacts; versus the laser which is just the time after. Once I make a decision and/or go for the consultation I'll post a follow-up on this.
Some comments on the laser - as I mentioned above my face does tend to break out. The first time it was so bad I ended up going to the Doctor a few days later. She prescribed some steroid cream that I use as needed after sessions now to address the itching and any breakouts. Even with the cream I usually avoid any shaving for at least a couple of days afterwards (and usually more than that) and as such can't leave the house. The actual laser process is fast - perhaps 10-15 minutes each session; now mine is much longer since I go for the numbing cream which adds a hour to that; but it's definitely faster than the electrolysis; although considering the drive time for where I'm going is 30-45 minutes the timing for the electrolysis - even if I went 90 minute sessions) would be far shorter.
Sorry, I realized I've sort of rambled and meandered on here; I normally try to avoid that; but I couldn't help it this time. I'll see about writing some better entries regarding this topic at a later date.
- M
The body hair, especially my face, is another story. I have "5 o'clock shadow" at 5am, much less 5pm; so it's always a concern. A good shave, and the right makeup and application of that makeup can cover it up; but only for so many hours. Now that's normally not a huge concern of mine as I normally don't go running around all day - I do what I need to do and return home. However, even if that's not a huge concern, the time and money spent on cover-up makeup does add up and could be better spent on other things. For my body, some parts are more important than others as it can really limit the clothing I'm willing to go out in. I tend to worry about my lower legs (knees down), my arms, and my upper chest the most; I'll generally do those on average twice a week; although that varies - if I'm going out "dressy" - which I usually know in advance I may shave extra; or if I have no plans leading up to when I'm going out, I may drag it out - either way I want to handle it as close to the "event" as possible. My lower chest/stomach, and upper legs - those are generally once a week as normally those parts won't show; but I don't like the feeling of the hair as it gets longer and it becomes a much bigger hassle if it gets too long. My back, well I have to coordinate that so my wife can help me as while I can reach most of it, I can't get it all.
However, the real subject here is my face. When I first started going out, it was so seldom, I tended to let my facial hair grow until I was going out - this made it easier on my face to shave; but also meant I couldn't just "up and go" if something came up. So now I do it basically every day (unless it's irritated from the laser, which I'll get to in a moment). I love a good hot bath - I know that may not be the greatest thing, but it's one of my guilty pleasures, and I can think of many worse things I could be doing. So once I get the water how I want it I'll take a wash cloth or a "bath poof" and dampen my face. Once that's done I'll apply shave gel or cream (I prefer gel, but I will use whatever my wife picks up) and get as close a shave as I can *twice*. Once with the grain and once against the grain. The upside is that I end up with a much better shave that way; the downside being that I tend to have extra redness from the added "abuse" of doing it twice.
Once I've done that, I'll then use a facial scrub and a buffer sponge (or whatever it's called) - basically it's a white oval shaped spongy looking thing - to scrub that off. Upon getting out, I'll dry my face carefully and then apply some moisturizer when I think about it - I've gotten better about this and go it virtually all the time now; but on occasion I do forget. Once that's soaked in, I very carefully check for any "missed spots" and correct those as best I can. At that point I'm ready to get dressed and get my makeup done.
Now, while shaving does work; it's not ideal for a myriad of reasons so I am currently undergoing laser treatments. I know it's not nearly as permanent as electrolysis, but with my facial hair being so thick - especially around my jawline - my hope was to clear what I could reasonably via laser and then move to electrolysis. Here I am now six sessions (and about $1500) into it and while I can see spots that appear clear; it's not nearly what I had hoped it would be. On top of that, if you read one of my recent posts (this one: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/st-louis-area-tg-experiences-part-3.html), I currently a little agitated at the business I'm using for this.
That being said, since my next appointment is still nearly two months out, I think I'm going to give my face a week or two to "rest" and I'm going to make an appointment for an electrolysis consultation. I've found a place that is *VERY* close to home (less than 10 minutes) that looks promising. I'm a little concerned about cost as their rates aren't too bad from my research; but the sheer amount of time it would likely take along with the fact that I'd likely be going (a lot) more often might make it cost prohibitive at least for now. It appears that it's $32 for the first 15 minutes and then $12 for each additional 15 minutes after that; so I guess to try it once I could probably go for say 30 minutes and if it went well then for future sessions 60 or 90 minutes if I can take that long at one sitting - obviously the longer the session the more it distributes the higher cost of the initial 15 minutes. My thoughts are that if some work could be done on my jawline then at worst it should make the laser less painful; and if it looks to be effective I could drop the laser - it would still be more expensive if I went every week or even every other week; and it might not be as quick; but it should be permanent. The bigger concern I have is that apparently you have to have some facial growth for it to be effective which means I'd be basically stuck at home for a day or two before and possibly a day or two after depending upon how my skin reacts; versus the laser which is just the time after. Once I make a decision and/or go for the consultation I'll post a follow-up on this.
Some comments on the laser - as I mentioned above my face does tend to break out. The first time it was so bad I ended up going to the Doctor a few days later. She prescribed some steroid cream that I use as needed after sessions now to address the itching and any breakouts. Even with the cream I usually avoid any shaving for at least a couple of days afterwards (and usually more than that) and as such can't leave the house. The actual laser process is fast - perhaps 10-15 minutes each session; now mine is much longer since I go for the numbing cream which adds a hour to that; but it's definitely faster than the electrolysis; although considering the drive time for where I'm going is 30-45 minutes the timing for the electrolysis - even if I went 90 minute sessions) would be far shorter.
Sorry, I realized I've sort of rambled and meandered on here; I normally try to avoid that; but I couldn't help it this time. I'll see about writing some better entries regarding this topic at a later date.
- M
Sunday, October 27, 2013
St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 3
This post is a continuation of a series detailing experiences out and about in the St. Louis area as a Transgender Woman. Prior (and future) parts are available on the following page: My Transgender Experiences.
This entry (nor any future entries) will be nearly as long as those as at this point I'm trying to chronicle experiences as they occur for the most part rather than trying to catch up over a year of outings. Also with this entry I will on occasion "update" my thoughts on places I have previously written about if something has changed, etc.
UPDATE: Above I removed the links to posts 1 and 2 in this series and added a link to the "page" with all posts in this series. Additionally, I've went back and added more links and made some updates to some of the individual entries below since over time some things have changed.
Services:
This entry (nor any future entries) will be nearly as long as those as at this point I'm trying to chronicle experiences as they occur for the most part rather than trying to catch up over a year of outings. Also with this entry I will on occasion "update" my thoughts on places I have previously written about if something has changed, etc.
UPDATE: Above I removed the links to posts 1 and 2 in this series and added a link to the "page" with all posts in this series. Additionally, I've went back and added more links and made some updates to some of the individual entries below since over time some things have changed.
Services:
- *UPDATE* - Infinity Laser (Clayton, Missouri) - I just had my sixth session there yesterday and while it went fine - in fact less painful than my prior session despite the power of the laser being increased - I do have a bit of a concern/agitation I thought I'd discuss. Now first off, I had previously mentioned that the numbing cream lasted four sessions - well it actually lasted through yesterday's as well. I appreciated the effort on that as that meant I got five sessions out of the $48 tube when they told me up front it might be as few as two. Even at two it would've only been $24/session; but at five it reduced that to $9.60/session which was nice. Now that being said my agitation. When I was paying the $249/session, they wanted me to come in every six weeks which was/is fine. However, my prior session (number five) was the last one at $249/session as I previously detailed. As we were completing that session the topic of my next visit came up and I felt I was being nudged to come in at eight weeks instead of six weeks. Now I do see noticeable progress, but my hair was so thick to start with there's still *a lot* there so I decided to stay at the six week interval for this session which I did. Well this session, it was the same thing, except this time I was told that she was "booked solid" at six weeks; but would have no trouble working me in at eight weeks. I went ahead and booked for the eight weeks and decided to have the back of my neck done as well starting at that next session; but as I drove home it really started to agitate me. Maybe I'm wrong; but it just seems like as soon as I started getting the lower price, that they weren't nearly as interested in doing the work. That frustrates me since even with the reduced price, I'm still paying as much as the friend who referred me was for her first five sessions and even if it takes them a half hour for me (which it doesn't) that works out to nearly $300/hr and I think that's a pretty good rate for what they're doing. Yeah it's not the nearly $500/hr they were making; but these are also *THEIR* pricing policies - not mine. If they don't want to do the work for the reduced price then they shouldn't offer that. It's agitating enough that I'm not sure if I'll continue after my next session - I may, I may decide to go somewhere else, or I may switch to electrolysis. As I said, this is really speculation on my part and even if it's accurate I'm not sure if that's coming from the owner or from my technician (I would really hope not as she's really nice) - but it's definitely something I'm going to pay attention to on my next visit.
Retailers:
- *UPDATE* - Shop-n-Save (Dardenne Prarie, Missouri) - I continue to have great experiences at this particular store and it's to the point that unless it's something they don't carry - well I won't grocery shop anywhere else.
- Ann's Bra Shop (Wentzville, Missouri) - I labelled this as Wentzville since that's the location I had intended on going to; but my interaction (or lack thereof) were actually via email. A few months ago when the estrogen started doing it's thing it was time to actually try and find some bras that fit correctly. My research showed that a lot of stores do bra fittings; but most of those stores don't cater to somebody with a band size as large as I would need. Sure they could probably give me a size; but they wouldn't have any for me to try on and/or buy so those were viable options. Ann's seemed like a good solution since they specialize in bras and they're a local business and when possible I do like to buy locally and support those businesses. My ex-wife "M" has been in there a few times so I mentioned it to her and she suggested I check with them first since she said they were a little "stuck up" so to speak. I figured email was the best method since if I called I'd be putting somebody on the spot and I didn't want to do that. I sent two separate emails two weeks apart explaining my situation and what I was looking for and did NOT receive a response to either; just to be sure that the email account was actively monitored, I had "M" send a bra question a week after the second email and she had a response in less than 24 hours. If they weren't comfortable with dealing with a TG person there are many ways they could've tactfully handled that and I would've been fine with that. But to simply up and ignore not one, but two inquiries - I found that unacceptable. And considering how expensive they are there per "M", they left a fair amount of money on the table up front and going forward as I will never visit one of their shops at this point and personally would discourage anyone I know from doing so either. That's simply my opinion, but I stand by it.
- Lake Saint Louis Wigs & Cuts (Lake Saint Louis, Missouri) - I should've touched on this business in first two posts, but somehow forgot about them. The reason I thought about them today is the above critique of Ann's Bra Shop. Early on after the decision to transition was made, the single biggest issue I had was that I needed a good wig as I don't have enough hair of my own. I had some cheap "Halloween quality" ones, but I wanted something better than that, but with what they cost I hated to try and guess via the Internet. "M" ran across this business which is only a few minutes from home and traded emails with the owner. She made arrangements for us to come in right at closing time one evening so she could work with us. Now I got the impression that she was doing this more for her benefit than ours - but even if she was at least she was willing to work with us and didn't simply ignore things like Ann's had done. We popped in and she spent plenty of time with us - I have a larger head so that meant she only had one or two in the shop that would fit me; but that was enough to determine that an Estetica Wig should fit and at that point we went through their catalog with her help and found one that I liked. She took a deposit and ordered it for me. When it came in we went back - this time she wasn't as concerned about when we came in - it was still later in the day but not at/after close - I guess she had relaxed a bit. She again spent plenty of time making sure it fit well, showing me how to wear it (I was pulling it too far down in the front), and how to take care of it. All told I probably spent about 25% more than I would've had if I had ordered the same wig off of the Internet; but the money was well spent. I would strongly recommend them to any Trans (or CIS) woman looking for a wig.
Guess that's about it for now, thanks.
- M
So Who's The Boy?
The number one question that seems to be asked when people find out that my wife is married to a Transgender Woman is "So Who's The Boy?".
I guess that the question is probably the same one that any "same sex" couple gets and as such it's never really bothered me. My wife on the other - well it's hit or miss with her. Most of the time she will laugh it off or have some witty response; but every so often it does seem to agitate her a bit. Perhaps it's the way it's asked - most seem to ask it out of legitimate curiosity, but on occasion it's asked in almost a repulsive manner and I think those are times she gets agitated. Not that I appreciate it when it's conveyed in that manner either; but I generally try and be a little more graceful about my response. If the negativity continues - well then that's simply somebody I have no desire to be around any longer. Now that's often easier for me than her since I work from home.
As far as the actual answer - well there really isn't one. When it comes to many things I would say I'm the more "girly" of the two of us; but that doesn't make her "the boy". And there are things that she would be the more "girly" one of us; that doesn't define me as "the boy" either. We simply see it as two people in love and never look at it from the perspective that one of us has to be the girl and one of us the boy. For those that can understand that - well that's great. For those that can't/won't - well to us that's their problem, not ours.
Now from a legal perspective, it does matter a little bit as we are married in a state that does NOT currently embrace same-sex marriages. Before we made the decision for me to transition - and yes I mean "WE" since I love my wife so much that had if she had not wanted me to, I would not have - I looked into this as extensively as I could. I spoke with other transgender couples in the state, attorneys, burned the midnight oil searching Google, and so on. To the best of knowledge, since we were married prior to my transition, the state of Missouri seems to basically "ignore" situations such as this. That's not a set in stone legal opinion as there doesn't appear to be any statute specifically addressing this (at least that I, nor anyone I spoke to, could find) so that could change down the line; but if so I guess we'd cross that bridge when we came to. I guess worst case we'd have to move to a state that did support it - really other than her parents there's nothing holding us here - there are Wal-Marts all over the country for her and I work remotely so I simply need a decent Internet connection - so we could move anywhere. Now I'm (reasonably) happy here, so I'd hate for it to come to that, but....
I've got some work to do - trying to get a little bit ahead of things this week - so I'm going to cut this short here. As always thanks for reading.
- M
I guess that the question is probably the same one that any "same sex" couple gets and as such it's never really bothered me. My wife on the other - well it's hit or miss with her. Most of the time she will laugh it off or have some witty response; but every so often it does seem to agitate her a bit. Perhaps it's the way it's asked - most seem to ask it out of legitimate curiosity, but on occasion it's asked in almost a repulsive manner and I think those are times she gets agitated. Not that I appreciate it when it's conveyed in that manner either; but I generally try and be a little more graceful about my response. If the negativity continues - well then that's simply somebody I have no desire to be around any longer. Now that's often easier for me than her since I work from home.
As far as the actual answer - well there really isn't one. When it comes to many things I would say I'm the more "girly" of the two of us; but that doesn't make her "the boy". And there are things that she would be the more "girly" one of us; that doesn't define me as "the boy" either. We simply see it as two people in love and never look at it from the perspective that one of us has to be the girl and one of us the boy. For those that can understand that - well that's great. For those that can't/won't - well to us that's their problem, not ours.
Now from a legal perspective, it does matter a little bit as we are married in a state that does NOT currently embrace same-sex marriages. Before we made the decision for me to transition - and yes I mean "WE" since I love my wife so much that had if she had not wanted me to, I would not have - I looked into this as extensively as I could. I spoke with other transgender couples in the state, attorneys, burned the midnight oil searching Google, and so on. To the best of knowledge, since we were married prior to my transition, the state of Missouri seems to basically "ignore" situations such as this. That's not a set in stone legal opinion as there doesn't appear to be any statute specifically addressing this (at least that I, nor anyone I spoke to, could find) so that could change down the line; but if so I guess we'd cross that bridge when we came to. I guess worst case we'd have to move to a state that did support it - really other than her parents there's nothing holding us here - there are Wal-Marts all over the country for her and I work remotely so I simply need a decent Internet connection - so we could move anywhere. Now I'm (reasonably) happy here, so I'd hate for it to come to that, but....
I've got some work to do - trying to get a little bit ahead of things this week - so I'm going to cut this short here. As always thanks for reading.
- M
Friday, October 25, 2013
Things I've Learned Being A Transgender Woman
I'm by no means a comic, but I tend to lean towards the funnier side of life when I can and looking at the posts I've made so far they all come across as more "serious" (for lack of a better term) than I normally am. Therefore I thought it was time for a little levity - although there is a lot of truth in what's below too.
So without further ado, things I've learned in the last 15 months living as a Transgender woman:
So without further ado, things I've learned in the last 15 months living as a Transgender woman:
- You can't wear just one top, you must layer your clothes.
- You can never have enough makeup.
- While there are exceptions, the more expensive the makeup the better it seems to work.
- Shoes, shoes, shoes... Never enough shoes.
- A purse is the greatest invention ever.
- Try everything on - sizes are never consistent from brand to brand.
- It takes (in some cases A LOT) more time to get ready.
- Men see a color such as pink, women see pink, fuchsia, rose, and about 4.3 million other "shades" of the color.
- To apply eye shadow like you see in a magazine advertisement, you need to be better with colors than Picasso.
- Skirts (especially pencil skirts) are great until you have to gracefully get into/out of a car, or as I found out recently, slide into a booth.
- Typing with acrylic nails is an acquired talent.
- Speaking of nails, a nice professional manicure and/or pedicure is one of the best things on earth.
- Skin care products are actually worthwhile.
- Eyebrow threading is not nearly as painful as I heard, and for me at least way better than waxing.
- Back to shoes, there is actually a difference between "practical" heels and "sit and look pretty" heels. And that difference seems to be inversely proportional - the "prettier" the heels the less comfortable they are.
- Apparently "distressed" jeans are good - and to think I always thought ripped up jeans was a bad thing.
- Back to the purse, no matter how good my intentions are and no matter how clean and organized I get it; within days it's back to a complete mess.
- People are more "touchy/feely" with a woman than they are a man.
- I get talked down to far more often than I ever did when I was presenting as a male.
- Hair takes a little more effort than an occasional shampooing and a quick comb to look nice.
I'm sure there are plenty more, but twenty is a nice round number. Gotta run. <3
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Missouri Name Change / Gender Change Update
As I discussed in this post (http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/going-to-court-for-namegender-change.html), I recently went to court for my name and gender change.
To update that post, I finally received my license two days ago; but still have not received my birth certificate which is starting to get frustrating. I did receive the paperwork from my attorney today confirming my name publication is complete so there is nothing more to do about that other than wait for the Vital Records department to do their thing.
Then barring something unexpected in hopefully less than two weeks I should receive the court order for the gender change and can start this process over again. It's funny, we're only talking about changing a "M" to a "F" on a piece of plastic; but it will mean a lot to me. Not to mention I'll feel much more comfortable when I'm out since I'm living as Madison full-time and my ID shows "M" and my picture is still of my "pre-Madison" self.
I guess I shouldn't be frustrated - in all fairness a lot has been accomplished in roughly 15 months since the decision was made and for the most part (taking work out of the equation), it's all gone well, so I suppose I will be grateful for all of that and bide my time on the state.
To update that post, I finally received my license two days ago; but still have not received my birth certificate which is starting to get frustrating. I did receive the paperwork from my attorney today confirming my name publication is complete so there is nothing more to do about that other than wait for the Vital Records department to do their thing.
Then barring something unexpected in hopefully less than two weeks I should receive the court order for the gender change and can start this process over again. It's funny, we're only talking about changing a "M" to a "F" on a piece of plastic; but it will mean a lot to me. Not to mention I'll feel much more comfortable when I'm out since I'm living as Madison full-time and my ID shows "M" and my picture is still of my "pre-Madison" self.
I guess I shouldn't be frustrated - in all fairness a lot has been accomplished in roughly 15 months since the decision was made and for the most part (taking work out of the equation), it's all gone well, so I suppose I will be grateful for all of that and bide my time on the state.
Family, Friends, and being Transgendered (Part 3 - Friends)
This first post on this topic focused on what I now consider to be my "immediate family"; and the second one on my "extended family". This post will conclude the topic with my "friends".
Let me first say that I've never been one to have very many friends. A "friend" to me is someone I can trust, confide in, and is there for me just as I would be there for them. While many people consider people that they are only casually acquainted with their friends; that's not me. I generally also keep my distance form co-workers as well.
So when the decision to transition to Madison was made; I didn't have the concerns over friends that many transgender people do. The people I am friendly with is very limited and the majority of my interactions are via email and/or social networking - I'm not the kind of person who "goes out" very often, so I had few that I intended to tell.
The first two people I discussed this with were my current wife and my ex-wife (who I'll refer to as "M" going forward for her privacy) who I've discussed previously is now in all reality my best friend. They were both supportive and accepting - in fact it was really M who planted the seed that maybe I should transition - we were having lunch while my wife was in Alaska fishing with her parents and it came up in casual conversation. The reason it had come up is recently a former co-worker (I'll call her "D" for purposes of her privacy) of all of ours had ran into M and she had invited her over for dinner. D is a trans-woman and is incredibly passable and had been living full-time for years (I hadn't seen her in a good 5-6 years). D looked so much happier with her life that it made an impact on us and that's what we were discussing over that lunch. After all of the years of thinking it wasn't realistic to do; that day it hit me that maybe it was feasible - the fact that D was so successful played a huge role in my thought process - so I started looking into it privately. After a couple of days of research I discussed it with my wife (she was still in Alaska) and with her support, then discussed it with my M.
The "circle" stayed at that for a couple of months while I arranged to start gender therapy. M and I did arrange to have lunch out with D. I had lots of questions and D was very gracious in answering them, including some personal ones. The only bad part of that day was our experience at Chevy's which was detailed in this post (http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/st-louis-area-tg-experiences.html). After speaking with D I was more encouraged than ever. In fact she was kind enough to ride with myself and my wife to see the therapist the first time (it's about a 40 minute drive each way).
I didn't do much for the first couple of visits; but I started to build some confidence after perhaps my third visit and decided it was time to let a few people know. The first "friend" I said something too was actually somebody I've never met in person. We became "Facebook Friends" years ago playing Farmville and we had chatted from time to time and I really considered her a good friend. Additionally she is a lesbian and as such I felt she'd be more likely to be understanding than most. She was and continues to be incredibly supportive - including providing critiques of wigs and outfits which means a lot to me since sometimes I feel my wife and M would tell me I looked nice no matter how I looked.
The next couple of people were a former co-worker from a past job who was actually a friend (sort of) of M, and a wonderful young woman who I worked with in my prior job (she was the I.T. person for a company that used our company as their POS provider). I've slowly increased the list of people that know - it's now up to probably 30 people. A few stand out though. I did tell a former co-worker that I did like at my prior job - he was laid-off simply because they felt he was over paid and that never sat well with me and was part of the reason I left that company. He's been probably the only one that I've told that hasn't been outright supportive - but even he is at least understanding. And ironically not too long ago I got an email from him that a person at his current job is doing the same thing. He has a great sense of humor and his email had me laughing for days.
The others that I want to mention are two former co-workers at Wal-Mart from when I was there part-time. Both were cashiers like I was and the one ended up taking a CSM position not too long after I did. She was incredible to work with - nothing against D or any other CSM's, but she was the hardest working CSM I worked with and I loved the nights we were working together. I took a chance and let both of them know about the same time and much to my surprise they immediately invited me out with them for dinner. I've been out with them a few times now - some by myself and some with my wife - and had a great time every time. Most of my friends are verbally supportive, but these were the first (and currently only) two that actually *feel* supportive. It did and still does mean a lot that they were willing to include me and treat me as an equal.
That's not to say I don't appreciate the acceptance that I do get from others; just that what these two have done is so much more than I expected that I felt it deserved a special mention.
One other friend deserves special mention and that's the girl I dated between M and my current wife. I liked her a lot and still care about her - I just wasn't right for her - part of it was age - part of it was simply me. That being said, she's been incredibly accepting and kind to me - more kind than I probably deserve. During one of my therapy sessions the subject of previous women in my life came up, and it just fascinates my therapist that she and I can be friends and she can be supportive. I hadn't given it that much thought before we talked about it and I should have. She's a great and caring woman and I really hope she finds happiness at some point.
I guess that's about enough for this post and this topic. As I discussed with somebody on Susan's Place; I almost feel guilty about how accepting everyone has been and how "easy" I have it in comparison to most. Many people lost their marriage, their family, and their friends over transitioning and not only have I not lost any of those; it seems like it's improved my life in so many respects. I count my blessings for this each and every day.
Let me first say that I've never been one to have very many friends. A "friend" to me is someone I can trust, confide in, and is there for me just as I would be there for them. While many people consider people that they are only casually acquainted with their friends; that's not me. I generally also keep my distance form co-workers as well.
So when the decision to transition to Madison was made; I didn't have the concerns over friends that many transgender people do. The people I am friendly with is very limited and the majority of my interactions are via email and/or social networking - I'm not the kind of person who "goes out" very often, so I had few that I intended to tell.
The first two people I discussed this with were my current wife and my ex-wife (who I'll refer to as "M" going forward for her privacy) who I've discussed previously is now in all reality my best friend. They were both supportive and accepting - in fact it was really M who planted the seed that maybe I should transition - we were having lunch while my wife was in Alaska fishing with her parents and it came up in casual conversation. The reason it had come up is recently a former co-worker (I'll call her "D" for purposes of her privacy) of all of ours had ran into M and she had invited her over for dinner. D is a trans-woman and is incredibly passable and had been living full-time for years (I hadn't seen her in a good 5-6 years). D looked so much happier with her life that it made an impact on us and that's what we were discussing over that lunch. After all of the years of thinking it wasn't realistic to do; that day it hit me that maybe it was feasible - the fact that D was so successful played a huge role in my thought process - so I started looking into it privately. After a couple of days of research I discussed it with my wife (she was still in Alaska) and with her support, then discussed it with my M.
The "circle" stayed at that for a couple of months while I arranged to start gender therapy. M and I did arrange to have lunch out with D. I had lots of questions and D was very gracious in answering them, including some personal ones. The only bad part of that day was our experience at Chevy's which was detailed in this post (http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/st-louis-area-tg-experiences.html). After speaking with D I was more encouraged than ever. In fact she was kind enough to ride with myself and my wife to see the therapist the first time (it's about a 40 minute drive each way).
I didn't do much for the first couple of visits; but I started to build some confidence after perhaps my third visit and decided it was time to let a few people know. The first "friend" I said something too was actually somebody I've never met in person. We became "Facebook Friends" years ago playing Farmville and we had chatted from time to time and I really considered her a good friend. Additionally she is a lesbian and as such I felt she'd be more likely to be understanding than most. She was and continues to be incredibly supportive - including providing critiques of wigs and outfits which means a lot to me since sometimes I feel my wife and M would tell me I looked nice no matter how I looked.
The next couple of people were a former co-worker from a past job who was actually a friend (sort of) of M, and a wonderful young woman who I worked with in my prior job (she was the I.T. person for a company that used our company as their POS provider). I've slowly increased the list of people that know - it's now up to probably 30 people. A few stand out though. I did tell a former co-worker that I did like at my prior job - he was laid-off simply because they felt he was over paid and that never sat well with me and was part of the reason I left that company. He's been probably the only one that I've told that hasn't been outright supportive - but even he is at least understanding. And ironically not too long ago I got an email from him that a person at his current job is doing the same thing. He has a great sense of humor and his email had me laughing for days.
The others that I want to mention are two former co-workers at Wal-Mart from when I was there part-time. Both were cashiers like I was and the one ended up taking a CSM position not too long after I did. She was incredible to work with - nothing against D or any other CSM's, but she was the hardest working CSM I worked with and I loved the nights we were working together. I took a chance and let both of them know about the same time and much to my surprise they immediately invited me out with them for dinner. I've been out with them a few times now - some by myself and some with my wife - and had a great time every time. Most of my friends are verbally supportive, but these were the first (and currently only) two that actually *feel* supportive. It did and still does mean a lot that they were willing to include me and treat me as an equal.
That's not to say I don't appreciate the acceptance that I do get from others; just that what these two have done is so much more than I expected that I felt it deserved a special mention.
One other friend deserves special mention and that's the girl I dated between M and my current wife. I liked her a lot and still care about her - I just wasn't right for her - part of it was age - part of it was simply me. That being said, she's been incredibly accepting and kind to me - more kind than I probably deserve. During one of my therapy sessions the subject of previous women in my life came up, and it just fascinates my therapist that she and I can be friends and she can be supportive. I hadn't given it that much thought before we talked about it and I should have. She's a great and caring woman and I really hope she finds happiness at some point.
I guess that's about enough for this post and this topic. As I discussed with somebody on Susan's Place; I almost feel guilty about how accepting everyone has been and how "easy" I have it in comparison to most. Many people lost their marriage, their family, and their friends over transitioning and not only have I not lost any of those; it seems like it's improved my life in so many respects. I count my blessings for this each and every day.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Family, Friends, and being Transgendered (Part 2 - Extended Family)
Part 1 of this set of posts detailed my family, or basically lack thereof. As I mentioned there I've come to accept how it's turned out and have moved on from that; however, it is hard to not have any actual family contact. My mother's side of the family really only consisted of my grandparents (one of which has passed, the other I'm not sure of); and her two brothers. I'm sure there are probably uncles/aunts out there somewhere; but if so I've either never met them or I was so young I don't recall meeting them. While my birth name consisted of parts of each of her brothers names, I never really had much of a relationship with either of them and that was fine. I was very close to my grandparents growing up; but as I got older I grew apart from them - mainly due to the distance they lived from us and partially due to other more personal reasons. So any relationships with that side of the family has long since sailed.
My father's side was a little different. He had three brothers and a sister, I believe he was the second child in the list; his sister is actually only a couple of years older than I am so there is quite the spread between their ages (20 years total give or take I believe). We spent a fair amount of time around them as a child; we'd often go to my grandparents on Sunday's where there would often be one or more of my uncles (and as the years progressed, their own families) there - my aunt being so close to my age lived at home most of those years. During my younger years, I wasn't a real fan of going in there - I would rather have spent time at my paternal grandparents house instead; but as the years progressed, that switched 180 degrees. My father's family (for the most part) was a lot of fun to be around. In fact, the only gripe I had was that they insisted on calling me by a name I didn't care for ("Little <father's name>") - which really bugged me since I wasn't named after him to start with and it wasn't the name I used; however, after many years that passed and I really began to enjoy the visits over there.
Of my three uncles and one aunt; two stood out. First off, my aunt. As previously mentioned she wasn't that much older than I was and when we were younger she provided a "play mate" so to speak when we'd go over there - that was something I didn't have with my mother's family (I do have cousins on my mother's side; but they're either several years younger than I am or they had moved away after a divorce). Obviously as she grew older that changed - especially since she matured far quicker than I did; but nonetheless, there were a lot of fun times.
The one that really stood out was my uncle who was directly younger than my father. Technically I guess he was the middle child of the five. He was always the "life of the party" so to speak and the uncle that all of us kids loved as he went out of his way to be entertaining. Frankly, when you got a couple of them together they were funny; but this uncle was always the one that made the effort with all of the kids - which initially was just myself and my brother; but later on was quite a few of us as my uncles (including him) got married and started their own families. I still recall being in his wedding - I was probably 8 years old at the time and I can distinctly remember the tuxedo fitting, the rehearsal, and the actual wedding - I was the "ring bearer" and had to walk down the aisle with my aunt's younger sister (I believe, maybe it was her niece, I was too young to pay attention to specifics like that <G>). At the time, I really didn't even want to be in the wedding as I was 8 and would rather have been playing a game or something. However, they just celebrated their 35th anniversary a week or two ago and looking back I'm eternally grateful that I can say that I was a part of a wedding that's lasted 35 years and is still going strong. And his wife (my new aunt) was just as wonderful as he was - for as obnoxious as he could be, she could go toe to toe with him. :)
But I don't want to get ahead of myself so back to the story at hand. As I grew into my early to mid 20's, my parents had divorced and I fell out of touch with my father's side of the family - keep in mind 20 years ago the Internet was still in it's infancy as far as general use; computers weren't in every house; and there was no Facebook; so it wasn't like it is today. In fact, it wasn't until my grandmother passed that I saw any of them; but when it happened I did go to the viewing - and I hated that I did. I loved her a lot; but going to that was such a mistake as instead of remembering her how she was - my eternal image of her is one of her lying in that casket. A few years later when my grandfather passed I chose not to go for this reason. Since I really hadn't been around them in so long I figured they probably didn't notice; although if they did it probably caused some animosity; but I stand by my decision. I wanted to remember him just as I do; sitting in his chair in the living room "holding court" so to speak. I have that image of him indelibly etched into my memories and it's a far happier image than I have of my grandmother. So if there is any animosity regarding that decision then so be it as I felt it was right at the time and I still do.
Fast forward to about a year ago. My roommate, my wife, and myself went out to breakfast on a Saturday morning. It's funny, we had no intentions of going where we did when we left the house as where we ended up is a good 30-40 minutes away; but I suppose fate intervened that day. As we sat down at our table we ran into one of my aunts - as it happened to be it was my favorite uncle's wife. She noticed me - I was shocked that she recognized me after all of these years. Especially since while I wasn't fully done up as "Madison" - it was just before I went "full-time" so I was more or less dressed androgynously that day. We were able to spend a few minutes talking which was so nice.
As it would happen, after the chance encounter above, there was some contact via Facebook - as I said my "male" account was already friends with many people including both of them; but there really wasn't any contact. As it was getting later in the year, they invited myself along with my wife/daughter to a Christmas party. That had me torn; a large part of me wanted to go; but by then I was living full-time so I didn't know how that would go over; and I really didn't want to run into my father which I figured was a distinct possibility. However; I did want to go so I finally broached the gender change with the two of them. They both took it wonderfully which meant so much since at the time since they were the first "family" I had told - in fact at the time less than 10 people knew.
Recently as I mentioned above, they celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary - my uncle was throwing a surprise party for my aunt and he invited us. I immediately decided I wanted to go and thankfully my wife happened to have that day off (her schedule rotates so it was a fluke that she was off). However, as the date came upon me, I was really torn - I wanted to go; but the same concerns as the Christmas get together came up for me - would there be "issues" with me showing up as "Madison"? Would my father be there (or for that matter, my brother and his family, or even my sister and hers? I was torn up until a couple of hours before we had to leave - I finally decided that I had committed to going and my uncle and aunt do mean enough to me that regardless of how it went for me I wanted to be there. Below is a photo of me as we were leaving:
Suffice it to say, we went and stayed for perhaps 2 hours and had a very nice time. My uncle and aunt couldn't have been nicer and more supportive. Especially my uncle; sitting here thinking back to that evening, I'm actually starting to cry thinking about the things he said - they were so sweet and caring. It's funny it was always a running joke that I looked far more like him than my own father and after that evening I really wished he were my father. I also wanted to take the time to give a special mention to the wife of one of my cousin's (their second son's wife) - she went out of her way to come and introduce herself to us (we really didn't know much of anybody there) and spent a good 10-15 minutes chatting with us. It really meant a lot and made me feel much more comfortable there. As a side note, their daughter is just adorable, it really made me pine for the days that my own daughter was young. :) The effort she made really offset the mild disappointment that neither my aunt (the one I mentioned above that is about my age) nor any other of the few people we did know didn't make any effort to even say hello. Obviously I could've pushed the issue on that; but I don't want to put anyone in an uncomfortable situation so I had decided that I wouldn't. I don't regret that decision, and while in hindsight that was mildly disappointing, the way my uncle, aunt, and "cousin-in-law" (is that the term?) were made the whole night worth while.
I do hope that going forward they invite us around as I'd definitely love to spend more time around them - I can't make up for lost time; but I would cherish any time going forward.
I suppose this has also gone on long enough - I find that I'm overly verbose; but I can't seem to help that. Tomorrow, we'll get into friends and their reactions. Thanks for reading.
My father's side was a little different. He had three brothers and a sister, I believe he was the second child in the list; his sister is actually only a couple of years older than I am so there is quite the spread between their ages (20 years total give or take I believe). We spent a fair amount of time around them as a child; we'd often go to my grandparents on Sunday's where there would often be one or more of my uncles (and as the years progressed, their own families) there - my aunt being so close to my age lived at home most of those years. During my younger years, I wasn't a real fan of going in there - I would rather have spent time at my paternal grandparents house instead; but as the years progressed, that switched 180 degrees. My father's family (for the most part) was a lot of fun to be around. In fact, the only gripe I had was that they insisted on calling me by a name I didn't care for ("Little <father's name>") - which really bugged me since I wasn't named after him to start with and it wasn't the name I used; however, after many years that passed and I really began to enjoy the visits over there.
Of my three uncles and one aunt; two stood out. First off, my aunt. As previously mentioned she wasn't that much older than I was and when we were younger she provided a "play mate" so to speak when we'd go over there - that was something I didn't have with my mother's family (I do have cousins on my mother's side; but they're either several years younger than I am or they had moved away after a divorce). Obviously as she grew older that changed - especially since she matured far quicker than I did; but nonetheless, there were a lot of fun times.
The one that really stood out was my uncle who was directly younger than my father. Technically I guess he was the middle child of the five. He was always the "life of the party" so to speak and the uncle that all of us kids loved as he went out of his way to be entertaining. Frankly, when you got a couple of them together they were funny; but this uncle was always the one that made the effort with all of the kids - which initially was just myself and my brother; but later on was quite a few of us as my uncles (including him) got married and started their own families. I still recall being in his wedding - I was probably 8 years old at the time and I can distinctly remember the tuxedo fitting, the rehearsal, and the actual wedding - I was the "ring bearer" and had to walk down the aisle with my aunt's younger sister (I believe, maybe it was her niece, I was too young to pay attention to specifics like that <G>). At the time, I really didn't even want to be in the wedding as I was 8 and would rather have been playing a game or something. However, they just celebrated their 35th anniversary a week or two ago and looking back I'm eternally grateful that I can say that I was a part of a wedding that's lasted 35 years and is still going strong. And his wife (my new aunt) was just as wonderful as he was - for as obnoxious as he could be, she could go toe to toe with him. :)
But I don't want to get ahead of myself so back to the story at hand. As I grew into my early to mid 20's, my parents had divorced and I fell out of touch with my father's side of the family - keep in mind 20 years ago the Internet was still in it's infancy as far as general use; computers weren't in every house; and there was no Facebook; so it wasn't like it is today. In fact, it wasn't until my grandmother passed that I saw any of them; but when it happened I did go to the viewing - and I hated that I did. I loved her a lot; but going to that was such a mistake as instead of remembering her how she was - my eternal image of her is one of her lying in that casket. A few years later when my grandfather passed I chose not to go for this reason. Since I really hadn't been around them in so long I figured they probably didn't notice; although if they did it probably caused some animosity; but I stand by my decision. I wanted to remember him just as I do; sitting in his chair in the living room "holding court" so to speak. I have that image of him indelibly etched into my memories and it's a far happier image than I have of my grandmother. So if there is any animosity regarding that decision then so be it as I felt it was right at the time and I still do.
Fast forward to about a year ago. My roommate, my wife, and myself went out to breakfast on a Saturday morning. It's funny, we had no intentions of going where we did when we left the house as where we ended up is a good 30-40 minutes away; but I suppose fate intervened that day. As we sat down at our table we ran into one of my aunts - as it happened to be it was my favorite uncle's wife. She noticed me - I was shocked that she recognized me after all of these years. Especially since while I wasn't fully done up as "Madison" - it was just before I went "full-time" so I was more or less dressed androgynously that day. We were able to spend a few minutes talking which was so nice.
As it would happen, after the chance encounter above, there was some contact via Facebook - as I said my "male" account was already friends with many people including both of them; but there really wasn't any contact. As it was getting later in the year, they invited myself along with my wife/daughter to a Christmas party. That had me torn; a large part of me wanted to go; but by then I was living full-time so I didn't know how that would go over; and I really didn't want to run into my father which I figured was a distinct possibility. However; I did want to go so I finally broached the gender change with the two of them. They both took it wonderfully which meant so much since at the time since they were the first "family" I had told - in fact at the time less than 10 people knew.
Recently as I mentioned above, they celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary - my uncle was throwing a surprise party for my aunt and he invited us. I immediately decided I wanted to go and thankfully my wife happened to have that day off (her schedule rotates so it was a fluke that she was off). However, as the date came upon me, I was really torn - I wanted to go; but the same concerns as the Christmas get together came up for me - would there be "issues" with me showing up as "Madison"? Would my father be there (or for that matter, my brother and his family, or even my sister and hers? I was torn up until a couple of hours before we had to leave - I finally decided that I had committed to going and my uncle and aunt do mean enough to me that regardless of how it went for me I wanted to be there. Below is a photo of me as we were leaving:
I do hope that going forward they invite us around as I'd definitely love to spend more time around them - I can't make up for lost time; but I would cherish any time going forward.
I suppose this has also gone on long enough - I find that I'm overly verbose; but I can't seem to help that. Tomorrow, we'll get into friends and their reactions. Thanks for reading.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Family, Friends, and being Transgendered (Part 1)
So far my posts have focused on my experiences out in public with strangers; but I would be remiss if I didn't discuss how things have went with friends and family. This post initially started to explain how I ended up today; but frankly it's a *very* long story and probably not really relevant. If there is ever any interest I may actually detail it then, but for now suffice it to say that with regards to my family, I have what most people consider a "strange" living arrangement. We have a nice sized house that myself, my daughter (from my first marriage), and my current wife live in. Additionally we have two roommates - my ex-wife and her husband.
Again, without going into a ton of detail, my ex-wife and I were horrible as a husband/wife; but we are friends now (not that there wasn't some contentious times during the separation/divorce). It's allowed our daughter to grow up in a single household and there is/was always somebody around to keep an eye on her (often to her dismay).
Initially it was my house; but over time, but my ex-wife and I have each remarried to someone else and now after a refinance (thanks Vinson Mortgage), it's now all of our houses (well almost, my daughter isn't on the paperwork) and while there are occasional times of discord; all in all we get along pretty well and it's a nice arrangement. Frankly, we have a lot of things that we wouldn't have if we lived apart; so from that perspective it also works out nice.
As far as my physical family, I have had no contact with my father for at least 10-15 years; my Mother and Sister (to this day they are attached at the hip still) for a good 5 years; and no other family for far longer than that save a couple of exceptions below.
The first exception is my brother and his family - which includes his wife, a son (the oldest), and two daughters. The middle child (his older daughter) was always a favorite of mine growing up. She tracked me down on Facebook a few years ago (pre-transition) and we kept in touch. Speaking of Facebook, several members of my extended family on my Father's side have done the same; but there is no actual interaction - I simply accepted the requests and left it at that. Back to my brother's family - we ran into them a few months ago in a Wal-Mart - it was funny since we never quit going to the one 2 miles from here since everybody works there (sans me) and I didn't want to cause any issues with my transition - specifically for my daughter or my wife since she was trying to get into their management program (which she since has and is an Assistant Manager at a store about 30-40 minutes from here). Normally we go to the Wentzville location - I'm not really sure why, but we do. However, on that evening we had headed to O'Fallon. Now, I was living what I considered "full-time" at the time; but my face was really broken out from a laser treatment a day prior so I couldn't wear makeup and as such I elected to skip the wig (I have to wear a wig, genetics has NOT been kind to me in that regard) and while I was wearing women's clothing, shoes, jewelry, and my nails were done I was basically what I considered "androgynous" that. As we were going down an isle, I hear my (non "Madison") name and spin around to see my brother's older two children, which included the niece I referenced earlier. A couple of minutes later my brother and his wife appeared; we spoke for maybe 10 minutes (blocking an aisle horribly) and then went on our ways.
That evening, they tracked down my "Madison" account on Facebook and I accepted their requests since the "cat was out of the bag" so to speak. We interacted back and forth for several weeks, including a very nice note from my sister-in-law about how happy my niece was to see me and such.
Out of the blue, it appeared that my sister and mother made contact with my brother and his family (I have no idea who initiated it - nor do I really care); but I started seeing all sorts of photos with them together out and about. Really that's none of my business and I don't care; but the contact I had with my niece and the rest suddenly came to a grinding halt. I'm not really sure why; but I have to believe it had to do with my mother and sister. As I mentioned above, I cut my mom off several years ago over an incident with my daughter and as such my sister was collateral damage since they're attached at the hip despite my sister being in her mid thirties. I've received emails from my sister maybe twice in five years; once to change her wi-fi password (which I helped her with) and once looking to borrow money (which I offered to do; but not as much as she asked for, so she declined).
I have to assume the sudden lack of communication with my niece, etc., was due to my mother and/or sister. Truth be told, it *really* hurt my feelings at first; I wondered what I could have possibly done. I've finally came to the conclusion that I didn't do anything; and if that's how it's going to be then so be it. I have a surrogate family here and am happy with that. Do I wish it were different? Yes, by all means; but I no longer really give it a second thought (except for this post).
I think I've went on long enough for this. Tomorrow I'll detail the contact I've had with my "extended family" - it's (currently) a happier story than this one is.
Again, without going into a ton of detail, my ex-wife and I were horrible as a husband/wife; but we are friends now (not that there wasn't some contentious times during the separation/divorce). It's allowed our daughter to grow up in a single household and there is/was always somebody around to keep an eye on her (often to her dismay).
Initially it was my house; but over time, but my ex-wife and I have each remarried to someone else and now after a refinance (thanks Vinson Mortgage), it's now all of our houses (well almost, my daughter isn't on the paperwork) and while there are occasional times of discord; all in all we get along pretty well and it's a nice arrangement. Frankly, we have a lot of things that we wouldn't have if we lived apart; so from that perspective it also works out nice.
As far as my physical family, I have had no contact with my father for at least 10-15 years; my Mother and Sister (to this day they are attached at the hip still) for a good 5 years; and no other family for far longer than that save a couple of exceptions below.
The first exception is my brother and his family - which includes his wife, a son (the oldest), and two daughters. The middle child (his older daughter) was always a favorite of mine growing up. She tracked me down on Facebook a few years ago (pre-transition) and we kept in touch. Speaking of Facebook, several members of my extended family on my Father's side have done the same; but there is no actual interaction - I simply accepted the requests and left it at that. Back to my brother's family - we ran into them a few months ago in a Wal-Mart - it was funny since we never quit going to the one 2 miles from here since everybody works there (sans me) and I didn't want to cause any issues with my transition - specifically for my daughter or my wife since she was trying to get into their management program (which she since has and is an Assistant Manager at a store about 30-40 minutes from here). Normally we go to the Wentzville location - I'm not really sure why, but we do. However, on that evening we had headed to O'Fallon. Now, I was living what I considered "full-time" at the time; but my face was really broken out from a laser treatment a day prior so I couldn't wear makeup and as such I elected to skip the wig (I have to wear a wig, genetics has NOT been kind to me in that regard) and while I was wearing women's clothing, shoes, jewelry, and my nails were done I was basically what I considered "androgynous" that. As we were going down an isle, I hear my (non "Madison") name and spin around to see my brother's older two children, which included the niece I referenced earlier. A couple of minutes later my brother and his wife appeared; we spoke for maybe 10 minutes (blocking an aisle horribly) and then went on our ways.
That evening, they tracked down my "Madison" account on Facebook and I accepted their requests since the "cat was out of the bag" so to speak. We interacted back and forth for several weeks, including a very nice note from my sister-in-law about how happy my niece was to see me and such.
Out of the blue, it appeared that my sister and mother made contact with my brother and his family (I have no idea who initiated it - nor do I really care); but I started seeing all sorts of photos with them together out and about. Really that's none of my business and I don't care; but the contact I had with my niece and the rest suddenly came to a grinding halt. I'm not really sure why; but I have to believe it had to do with my mother and sister. As I mentioned above, I cut my mom off several years ago over an incident with my daughter and as such my sister was collateral damage since they're attached at the hip despite my sister being in her mid thirties. I've received emails from my sister maybe twice in five years; once to change her wi-fi password (which I helped her with) and once looking to borrow money (which I offered to do; but not as much as she asked for, so she declined).
I have to assume the sudden lack of communication with my niece, etc., was due to my mother and/or sister. Truth be told, it *really* hurt my feelings at first; I wondered what I could have possibly done. I've finally came to the conclusion that I didn't do anything; and if that's how it's going to be then so be it. I have a surrogate family here and am happy with that. Do I wish it were different? Yes, by all means; but I no longer really give it a second thought (except for this post).
I think I've went on long enough for this. Tomorrow I'll detail the contact I've had with my "extended family" - it's (currently) a happier story than this one is.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Name Change and Gender Change in St. Charles County, Missouri
As I've mentioned elsewhere, I used to frequent Susan's Place (www.susans.org). While I no longer do for various reasons; I do encourage anyone who considers themselves Transgender to do so. There is a wealth of information there - some of what I really found helpful were actual accounts of things - as an example the GRS/SRS process; therapist visits, and so on.
I did also have a blog (which as of this post is still there under "Madison's Musings" - you can view by visiting the link above, clicking on "Forums" at the top of the page and then browsing down to "Member Blogs" - this can be done as a guest *without* signing in) and while early entries consisted mainly of me discussing/complaining about my transition and my job; later on I did make an effort to "return the favor" and document some of the processes I was going through. One of the posts that stands out to me was the one I made regarding my efforts to get my name (and gender) legally changed. I've decided to re-post that here (with some updates) in the event that anybody who reads this might find it helpful.
This is a very long and detailed entry; but I didn't want to leave anything out. So without further ado, here we go. Again please keep in mind that this was originally posted elsewhere so any references to "other posts" and such are not referencing posts in this blog. I have also updated this with a couple of things that have occurred in the two weeks since my court date. Any "updates" will have a normal white background in lieu of the gray that the copied text from the original post have.
This is probably going to be very long and overly detailed and for that matter contain plenty of things that I've covered in early entries. But I've always really appreciated details that others have posted for things like this and I'm trying in my own little way to return the favor for anybody else that is curious about the process in general; or as it specifically relates to the State of Missouri. And for that matter, I've always considered this blog a "diary" for me and I'm sure that I'll want to be able to look back at this in it's entirety at some point.
Well the big day finally came. I had taken a short - maybe 90 minute - nap last night from about 8pm until 9:30pm or so; but after that I couldn't sleep. So I spent part of the evening/early morning working to pass the time (sometimes it is really nice to work from home) in between taking a couple of leisurely baths to get my legs, etc., shaved and such. Finally about 5:30am I got really tired which was about the time my wife got up.
She had managed to get her work schedule altered enough to be able to go with me and was getting up to get ready since she'd have to head to work after the proceedings. So I decided to try and nap a bit as I was really tired and we were going to have to drive separately so she could go to work after we were done. I probably managed to get 20 or 30 minutes before she woke me up to start getting ready. I settled on the outfit below after much debate both internally and with my wife and roommate:
And as long as I'm linking to photos, here's a second with my WONDERFUL wife - I need to get some lessons from her on smiling <G>:
Once I got dressed it was makeup time. Normally makeup comes first for me; but I felt the top I chose would mess up my makeup putting it on. I was torn as I wanted to be "conservative", but I also still feel that I need all the help I can get and that usually equates to heavier makeup. I tried to split the difference.
Finally it was time to leave, we had to meet the lawyer there 15 minutes prior to court. We got to the courthouse about 10 minutes earlier than that; at which point the first trauma of the day reared it's head. I had neglected to clarify where to meet Susan (my attorney). So we waited outside for the 10 minutes and then decided to head inside. However, before we did another of the circuit judges - one that happens to know my wife and her parents - happened to be walking into the courthouse and noticed her. She came up and they chatted briefly, but thankfully our reason for being there didn't come up as I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to discuss it. Once we got through security we waited another couple of minutes in the foyer before deciding to head upstairs to the court room. Our courtroom was on the fourth floor - normally name changes are heard in family court which is on the fifth floor, but with the gender change it got assigned to a judge who apparently is at least semi-familiar with them so we headed to the fourth floor where trauma number two came up. We couldn't find our courtroom. We went all over the floor until it finally occurred to me that we were looking for "fourth floor, courtroom 1" per the information downstairs; but the rooms on this floor were number 5-8. As it turned out we were in room 5 and for some reason ours didn't have a posted docket or the judge's name on the sign outside the room (hence the reason we walked by it three times).
I still hadn't seen Susan, so we waited outside the courtroom and about 5 minutes to 9, here she came. She was as wonderful today as she's been for the entire process (more on that below). I introduced her to my wife and she went over what would happen. She then went in to see where we were at on the docket and came back out telling us we were fourth on the list. She then said she was going back in and we could come in and wait there or we could stay where we were at; but either way she was going to ask for a "closed hearing" so they'd clear the courtroom. We opted to stay outside and wait. Within a couple of minutes it appeared the judge came in as while we couldn't see her; we did see everyone briefly stand up. By now my phone was going nuts with emails from my boss about this and that and I was trying to answer them. I saw several people exit the courtroom but it didn't dawn on me that it was time for us - it had only been maybe 5-10 minutes so I wasn't expecting us to be up so quickly.
Susan came out and let us into the courtroom. My wife took a seat in the gallery and Susan and I proceeded up in front of the judge. The judge was having trouble getting signed into the court system so that took a couple of minutes, but once she did, she swore me in and offered to let me stay where I was at (standing in front of her next to Susan) or to have a seat in the "witness box". I elected to stay where I was at and Susan started going over the petition. She basically went through each point one by one; but in the form of questions to me which I answered. Once we completed that the judge started to go to part two which is the gender marker change; but Susan asked her to deal with that separately (which I'll also cover below) so we stopped at that point and the judge signed the order for my name change and explained that I'd have to have it published (which I knew, but again I'll touch on this below since it wasn't the same as I had read about).
Susan then started on part two and repeated the process from the first time, turning each point of the petition into a question to me. As we got to the "remedy" portion, she started to cover the state statute, but the judge said she was familiar with it, but that she had a few questions. One of the points was that this wasn't going to be "detrimental" to myself or anyone else; and she asked about my wife who was in the gallery; as well as my daughter who I had not brought with me. Specifically she said that since my wife was here she assumed she was supportive, so Susan specifically asked me about that (I was surprised they didn't just ask her up there herself); then we repeated the question with regards to my daughter and then she asked would my wife also say my daughter was supportive.
At this point the judge was satisfied so Susan provided a "suggested" order for her to sign; but requested she hold it for 30 days. She had mentioned this to me previously and I'll get into this more in the post court summary below. The judge agreed to do so and asked Susan to fill out an "order" specifying the date to process it and how many copies/certified copies to send out and where. The judge then asked how many copies/certified copies of the name change she had already ordered so the clerk went to get those for us. At this point, Susan told me I could go sit in the gallery while she took care of that "order" and they reopened the court room. I'd say less than 10 minutes total and it was so much easier than I thought it would be - just like Susan had said it would be.
The other lawyers, etc., came back in and actually another case was finalized while she was filling out the order. Once she was done she brought it to me to sign and I started to sign my given name and she corrected me and said once the earlier order was signed I was officially "Madison" now. I had thought I would have to wait for the announcement to be published three times over the three weeks for this so I was pleasantly surprised. My first official act as "Madison".
Susan then waited a couple of minutes until there was a break in things and returned the order to the judge and got the copies of the name change order for us. We then proceeded outside and she explained a few things for me:
1) Yes the name change has to be published; but at least in this case (or perhaps all of county I'm in - St. Charles) - the change itself is immediate. Additionally, she said she would take care of getting it published in the appropriate journal and I didn't have to do anything.
2) She then went back over the 30 day wait on the gender change. I was a little bit in the clouds so I think I missed something so I'm not sure if it's actually a state thing or just her suggestion; but she is having me file the name change with the state first and update my birth certificate (I also plan on doing my license, also more on that below); and then in 30 days we'll update the gender marker as a separate order. It'll be an extra $30 to the state; but since I was able to file the cases together and have them heard together I've already saved money there.
3) She then gave me two certified copies of the name change order and told me by this evening (which as I type this I already now have), she'd send me the document to send to the state along with instructions on it for getting my birth certificate amended.
With this she headed upstairs to get some paperwork - as I said earlier normally these are done in family court which is a floor up; and my wife and I headed out. Since we were done so early, we had time to go to a late breakfast - my first time out as "Madison" officially.
So that about sums up the process of the day; below I'm going to share some back ground and such again for those that might care later on.
1) The above process was for St. Charles County, Missouri and obviously may/will be different for other counties/states.
2) A *HUGE* thank you to another Transgender woman for her assistance in this. If not for her going through this process earlier this year and sharing that process here (along with her documents) I would not have even considered trying this. I am incredibly grateful to her for this.
I've redacted the person's name I was referring to above. A quick Google search will probably turn her up; but I didn't feel comfortable sharing that here - if someone needs/wants the information feel free to email me and I will provide the information.
3) I chose to use a lawyer for this. The other Transgender woman did her's Pro se and even during the consultation with the attorney I chose (Susan); she even said I could do so as well; but I was more comfortable with her helping. I believe her fees have been very reasonable and she's been so kind and reassuring during the process, I know I made the right decision to go with her. If anybody in the St. Louis/St. Charles area is thinking of doing this and would like her contact information please PM me and I'll send it along.
Again, I've redacted the name of the person I was referring to above, same goes as my above comment. Additionally, on an earlier entry in this blog I've posted some comments on Susan and her website address is there with her contact information - that post is here: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/st-louis-area-tg-experiences.html
4) While my legal documents weren't quite the same as the ones that the other woman graciously supplied they were reasonably close; most of the differences appeared to be subtle wording changes and formatting that I'm assuming were specific to the way this court likes things or perhaps Susan is comfortable with. That being said, in the spirit of the other woman's generosity, I can provide examples of mine to anyone who might need them, again simply PM me.
Another redaction, same goes as above.
I'm sure I'm missing plenty of details; but I've been typing for some time now and frankly I doubt if anybody would still be reading this anyway.
Madison
Some updates since this original post.
I did also have a blog (which as of this post is still there under "Madison's Musings" - you can view by visiting the link above, clicking on "Forums" at the top of the page and then browsing down to "Member Blogs" - this can be done as a guest *without* signing in) and while early entries consisted mainly of me discussing/complaining about my transition and my job; later on I did make an effort to "return the favor" and document some of the processes I was going through. One of the posts that stands out to me was the one I made regarding my efforts to get my name (and gender) legally changed. I've decided to re-post that here (with some updates) in the event that anybody who reads this might find it helpful.
This is a very long and detailed entry; but I didn't want to leave anything out. So without further ado, here we go. Again please keep in mind that this was originally posted elsewhere so any references to "other posts" and such are not referencing posts in this blog. I have also updated this with a couple of things that have occurred in the two weeks since my court date. Any "updates" will have a normal white background in lieu of the gray that the copied text from the original post have.
This is probably going to be very long and overly detailed and for that matter contain plenty of things that I've covered in early entries. But I've always really appreciated details that others have posted for things like this and I'm trying in my own little way to return the favor for anybody else that is curious about the process in general; or as it specifically relates to the State of Missouri. And for that matter, I've always considered this blog a "diary" for me and I'm sure that I'll want to be able to look back at this in it's entirety at some point.
Well the big day finally came. I had taken a short - maybe 90 minute - nap last night from about 8pm until 9:30pm or so; but after that I couldn't sleep. So I spent part of the evening/early morning working to pass the time (sometimes it is really nice to work from home) in between taking a couple of leisurely baths to get my legs, etc., shaved and such. Finally about 5:30am I got really tired which was about the time my wife got up.
She had managed to get her work schedule altered enough to be able to go with me and was getting up to get ready since she'd have to head to work after the proceedings. So I decided to try and nap a bit as I was really tired and we were going to have to drive separately so she could go to work after we were done. I probably managed to get 20 or 30 minutes before she woke me up to start getting ready. I settled on the outfit below after much debate both internally and with my wife and roommate:
And as long as I'm linking to photos, here's a second with my WONDERFUL wife - I need to get some lessons from her on smiling <G>:
Once I got dressed it was makeup time. Normally makeup comes first for me; but I felt the top I chose would mess up my makeup putting it on. I was torn as I wanted to be "conservative", but I also still feel that I need all the help I can get and that usually equates to heavier makeup. I tried to split the difference.
Finally it was time to leave, we had to meet the lawyer there 15 minutes prior to court. We got to the courthouse about 10 minutes earlier than that; at which point the first trauma of the day reared it's head. I had neglected to clarify where to meet Susan (my attorney). So we waited outside for the 10 minutes and then decided to head inside. However, before we did another of the circuit judges - one that happens to know my wife and her parents - happened to be walking into the courthouse and noticed her. She came up and they chatted briefly, but thankfully our reason for being there didn't come up as I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to discuss it. Once we got through security we waited another couple of minutes in the foyer before deciding to head upstairs to the court room. Our courtroom was on the fourth floor - normally name changes are heard in family court which is on the fifth floor, but with the gender change it got assigned to a judge who apparently is at least semi-familiar with them so we headed to the fourth floor where trauma number two came up. We couldn't find our courtroom. We went all over the floor until it finally occurred to me that we were looking for "fourth floor, courtroom 1" per the information downstairs; but the rooms on this floor were number 5-8. As it turned out we were in room 5 and for some reason ours didn't have a posted docket or the judge's name on the sign outside the room (hence the reason we walked by it three times).
I still hadn't seen Susan, so we waited outside the courtroom and about 5 minutes to 9, here she came. She was as wonderful today as she's been for the entire process (more on that below). I introduced her to my wife and she went over what would happen. She then went in to see where we were at on the docket and came back out telling us we were fourth on the list. She then said she was going back in and we could come in and wait there or we could stay where we were at; but either way she was going to ask for a "closed hearing" so they'd clear the courtroom. We opted to stay outside and wait. Within a couple of minutes it appeared the judge came in as while we couldn't see her; we did see everyone briefly stand up. By now my phone was going nuts with emails from my boss about this and that and I was trying to answer them. I saw several people exit the courtroom but it didn't dawn on me that it was time for us - it had only been maybe 5-10 minutes so I wasn't expecting us to be up so quickly.
Susan came out and let us into the courtroom. My wife took a seat in the gallery and Susan and I proceeded up in front of the judge. The judge was having trouble getting signed into the court system so that took a couple of minutes, but once she did, she swore me in and offered to let me stay where I was at (standing in front of her next to Susan) or to have a seat in the "witness box". I elected to stay where I was at and Susan started going over the petition. She basically went through each point one by one; but in the form of questions to me which I answered. Once we completed that the judge started to go to part two which is the gender marker change; but Susan asked her to deal with that separately (which I'll also cover below) so we stopped at that point and the judge signed the order for my name change and explained that I'd have to have it published (which I knew, but again I'll touch on this below since it wasn't the same as I had read about).
Susan then started on part two and repeated the process from the first time, turning each point of the petition into a question to me. As we got to the "remedy" portion, she started to cover the state statute, but the judge said she was familiar with it, but that she had a few questions. One of the points was that this wasn't going to be "detrimental" to myself or anyone else; and she asked about my wife who was in the gallery; as well as my daughter who I had not brought with me. Specifically she said that since my wife was here she assumed she was supportive, so Susan specifically asked me about that (I was surprised they didn't just ask her up there herself); then we repeated the question with regards to my daughter and then she asked would my wife also say my daughter was supportive.
At this point the judge was satisfied so Susan provided a "suggested" order for her to sign; but requested she hold it for 30 days. She had mentioned this to me previously and I'll get into this more in the post court summary below. The judge agreed to do so and asked Susan to fill out an "order" specifying the date to process it and how many copies/certified copies to send out and where. The judge then asked how many copies/certified copies of the name change she had already ordered so the clerk went to get those for us. At this point, Susan told me I could go sit in the gallery while she took care of that "order" and they reopened the court room. I'd say less than 10 minutes total and it was so much easier than I thought it would be - just like Susan had said it would be.
The other lawyers, etc., came back in and actually another case was finalized while she was filling out the order. Once she was done she brought it to me to sign and I started to sign my given name and she corrected me and said once the earlier order was signed I was officially "Madison" now. I had thought I would have to wait for the announcement to be published three times over the three weeks for this so I was pleasantly surprised. My first official act as "Madison".
Susan then waited a couple of minutes until there was a break in things and returned the order to the judge and got the copies of the name change order for us. We then proceeded outside and she explained a few things for me:
1) Yes the name change has to be published; but at least in this case (or perhaps all of county I'm in - St. Charles) - the change itself is immediate. Additionally, she said she would take care of getting it published in the appropriate journal and I didn't have to do anything.
2) She then went back over the 30 day wait on the gender change. I was a little bit in the clouds so I think I missed something so I'm not sure if it's actually a state thing or just her suggestion; but she is having me file the name change with the state first and update my birth certificate (I also plan on doing my license, also more on that below); and then in 30 days we'll update the gender marker as a separate order. It'll be an extra $30 to the state; but since I was able to file the cases together and have them heard together I've already saved money there.
3) She then gave me two certified copies of the name change order and told me by this evening (which as I type this I already now have), she'd send me the document to send to the state along with instructions on it for getting my birth certificate amended.
With this she headed upstairs to get some paperwork - as I said earlier normally these are done in family court which is a floor up; and my wife and I headed out. Since we were done so early, we had time to go to a late breakfast - my first time out as "Madison" officially.
So that about sums up the process of the day; below I'm going to share some back ground and such again for those that might care later on.
1) The above process was for St. Charles County, Missouri and obviously may/will be different for other counties/states.
2) A *HUGE* thank you to another Transgender woman for her assistance in this. If not for her going through this process earlier this year and sharing that process here (along with her documents) I would not have even considered trying this. I am incredibly grateful to her for this.
I've redacted the person's name I was referring to above. A quick Google search will probably turn her up; but I didn't feel comfortable sharing that here - if someone needs/wants the information feel free to email me and I will provide the information.
3) I chose to use a lawyer for this. The other Transgender woman did her's Pro se and even during the consultation with the attorney I chose (Susan); she even said I could do so as well; but I was more comfortable with her helping. I believe her fees have been very reasonable and she's been so kind and reassuring during the process, I know I made the right decision to go with her. If anybody in the St. Louis/St. Charles area is thinking of doing this and would like her contact information please PM me and I'll send it along.
Again, I've redacted the name of the person I was referring to above, same goes as my above comment. Additionally, on an earlier entry in this blog I've posted some comments on Susan and her website address is there with her contact information - that post is here: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/st-louis-area-tg-experiences.html
4) While my legal documents weren't quite the same as the ones that the other woman graciously supplied they were reasonably close; most of the differences appeared to be subtle wording changes and formatting that I'm assuming were specific to the way this court likes things or perhaps Susan is comfortable with. That being said, in the spirit of the other woman's generosity, I can provide examples of mine to anyone who might need them, again simply PM me.
Another redaction, same goes as above.
I'm sure I'm missing plenty of details; but I've been typing for some time now and frankly I doubt if anybody would still be reading this anyway.
Madison
Some updates since this original post.
1) As I mentioned above I got the "paperwork" that evening for getting my name changed with the state. It was simply a matter of me signing it, and putting a copy of the paperwork, the court order, a SASE, and a check for $30 into an envelope and sending it off which I did the next morning (Saturday October 5th). As of last night (Friday October 18th), I still have not gotten a copy of my amended birth certificate. I'm not sure if this is due to the state simply moving slowly *or* if it has to do with an issue with my court order (I'll get to that in the next point).
2) I was able to get my license changed. I had to travel for work early the following week and couldn't get to this right away, but the following Thursday I went to the local license bureau. I happened to go around lunch time and there were only two people in front of me, so after about 5-10 minutes my number was called. As it turned out, there were typos in my court order. Name new name was listed backwards (middle name first, first name middle). This was *my* fault as I had initially considered doing that; but I changed my mind right before the Susan filed the paperwork. Unfortunately the "suggested judgment" was the one piece of paperwork that Susan hadn't sent me in advance to review or I might have caught this. Well the judge did and Susan manually corrected it on the suggested order and the judge signed it. However, the DMV had "concerns" about it. A supervisor finally okay'd the change and from there it was fairly quick - so 10 minutes (and $12.50) later I had a new license - albeit a paper one. As of today (9 days later) I also do not have my official license either; but I simply chalk this up to the state being slow with those. Back to the first point above, I do wonder if the holdup on my birth certificate is actually the state moving slowly or if they're having an issue with the court order as well. I will note that in "Case.net" the copy of the order is as mine appears (with the manual change); but the actual docket has it correct; so I guess worse case Susan may have to go back to the judge to get a corrected order; but I'm hoping it won't come to that.
3) As far as the "newspaper publication", Susan did handle that as well. I initially misunderstood and thought it would be in the "St. Charles Journal" which is a part of the Post-Dispatch family. We went looking for a copy and I could not find the "ad" that was to be placed. Upon going back to the copy of the receipt that Susan had sent me, it was actually published in the "St. Charles County Journal" which is actually a different publication (not affiliated with the Post-Dispatch) and it appears to be mostly (if not all) centered around legal notices and the like. While it appears that you can subscribe to this paper, I did not see any references to it being readily available outside of a subscription which was a plus to me since the chances of anyone reading it that I preferred didn't know is significantly decreased.
2) I was able to get my license changed. I had to travel for work early the following week and couldn't get to this right away, but the following Thursday I went to the local license bureau. I happened to go around lunch time and there were only two people in front of me, so after about 5-10 minutes my number was called. As it turned out, there were typos in my court order. Name new name was listed backwards (middle name first, first name middle). This was *my* fault as I had initially considered doing that; but I changed my mind right before the Susan filed the paperwork. Unfortunately the "suggested judgment" was the one piece of paperwork that Susan hadn't sent me in advance to review or I might have caught this. Well the judge did and Susan manually corrected it on the suggested order and the judge signed it. However, the DMV had "concerns" about it. A supervisor finally okay'd the change and from there it was fairly quick - so 10 minutes (and $12.50) later I had a new license - albeit a paper one. As of today (9 days later) I also do not have my official license either; but I simply chalk this up to the state being slow with those. Back to the first point above, I do wonder if the holdup on my birth certificate is actually the state moving slowly or if they're having an issue with the court order as well. I will note that in "Case.net" the copy of the order is as mine appears (with the manual change); but the actual docket has it correct; so I guess worse case Susan may have to go back to the judge to get a corrected order; but I'm hoping it won't come to that.
3) As far as the "newspaper publication", Susan did handle that as well. I initially misunderstood and thought it would be in the "St. Charles Journal" which is a part of the Post-Dispatch family. We went looking for a copy and I could not find the "ad" that was to be placed. Upon going back to the copy of the receipt that Susan had sent me, it was actually published in the "St. Charles County Journal" which is actually a different publication (not affiliated with the Post-Dispatch) and it appears to be mostly (if not all) centered around legal notices and the like. While it appears that you can subscribe to this paper, I did not see any references to it being readily available outside of a subscription which was a plus to me since the chances of anyone reading it that I preferred didn't know is significantly decreased.
4) Regarding the gender change, when Susan followed up with me she confirmed that the Gender Change order would be processed in approximately a month from my court date (so two more weeks give or take) and at that point I'll perform another amendment to my birth certificate as well as my drivers license. Again, I'm not totally clear if it had to be done this way or if it was simply Susan's recommendation; but I trust her judgment so I'm following her advice on this. Yes it will be an extra $42.50 (another $30 for the second birth certificate amendment and another $12.50 for another drivers license change); but considering she was able to file the name and gender change requests together she saved me far more than $42.50. Once again I can't speak highly enough of Susan Jacobsen and would recommend her to anyone looking for a name change or to pursue a gender change.
With that I'll wrap things up for now - I'll update things once I get my birth certificate and/or physical license. Thanks for reading.
Madison
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