For whatever reason a post I wrote back on March 5th, 2014 has not only beaten the orchi post out almost every day this week, it's also been the top post for the entire week. The post in question was titled A "Passing Obsession" - A Transgender Quandary. Since for whatever reason it has seen a fair amount of activity this week - and it's now the third most viewed post of the entire blog - I thought I'd re-visit what I wrote a little over six months ago.
The first thing that comes to mind is that I've developed a real preference for the phrase "blending in" instead of the term "passing". I may or may not "pass" - especially up close where I have to carry on an extended conversation. My voice is still a struggle and up close some things may stand out more such as the size of my hands/feet - they are probably on the larger side for most cis-women, but small for most cis-men; my makeup may show some flaws that aren't evident from even a few feet away, and so on. However, I can deal with this in a multitude of ways, I can be selective about the majority of my interactions - for example I may pick a younger female cashier at the grocery store in lieu of an older male cashier, and so on.
What I feel is more important to me is to be able to "blend in". By that I mean be able to not draw excess scrutiny when I'm out and about. Don't get me wrong, I do want to "pass" and I do make a concerted effort to do so; but by being able to "blend in" more often than not I am able to pass by avoiding the scrutiny in the first place. Now some of you may have a different view on this than I do and as always you are welcome to have your own opinion - in fact I encourage that. However, for *ME*, this is how I see things and it works for me and as such I feel makes it the right decision for me. I make a point of this because I do spend a lot of time on sites like Reddit and passing seems to be one of the biggest (possibly the single biggest) concerns that those who chose to transition have. As I said above, I'm not naive enough to think that what works for me can/will/should work for everyone, but I also think that for at least some people this kind of approach might be helpful.
That being said, several of my points I made in the original post I still feel are important for me and I suspect others. None more than confidence. Everything I said about confidence in that first post still stands for me today:
If you have it you've already nearly won the battle. Without it, it doesn't matter how nice you look, how good your mannerisms are, or how well your voice fits your presentation - people will pick up the lack of confidence and the attention will lead to you being "read" far more often than it should. Be it the grocery store, the mall, or wherever, act like you belong there and people normally won't give you a second glance. Act out of place and you'll have their undivided attention.I still get read at times, more than I'd like. But the more confident I've gotten the less often it happens. I no longer hesitate to go shopping, go out to eat, use the women's dressing room or rest room, or anything else. I act like I belong and I'm treated as if I do belong. Now perhaps at some point I'll run into someone who won't treat me as I feel I should be treated and when/if that happens I'll handle it as gracefully as I can and then pursue the issue with the "powers that be". Hopefully that will never happen, but statistically I'm sure it will, but unlike six months ago I no longer fear or even worry the least little bit about that day finally happening. I simply expect things to go well and so far they have. It doesn't mean I'm not prepared for the situation where they don't, but I no longer feel the need to ponder the possibility of it every time before I leave the house.
The other thing that really stands out is to dress the part. As I said in that original post I love certain types of clothes; however, the clothes that I like may or may not be "appropriate" for where I'm going. For example, if I'm going grocery shopping I tend to dress more "soccer mom" than "night on the town". It's not that I don't love my skirts/dresses, heels, and heavier makeup - I do - but I tend to be more judicious about when I break those kinds of things out. That's not to say I won't wear a skirt/dress or heels to the grocery store - I do at times, but when I do I tend to pick more conservative skirt or dress and lower heels than I might for dinner out or a movie. I know there are some people who are of a mindset that they will dress how they want when they want and again that's fine. However, I do believe that walking into a grocery store in a mini-skirt, 5 inch stilettos, and bright red lipstick is growing to draw (potentially a lot) more attention than a longer skits, flats or wedges, and a more neutral makeup palette and for those who are worried about blending in and/or passing I think this extra attention is something they probably would want to avoid. But that's simply how I see things from my experiences.
The rest of the stuff I had there all still holds true to me; but of all of that the one remaining thing that I feel is most important is this:
Even if you are "read", it's not the end of the world and DO NOT let it ruin your attitude or confidence. This one was hard for me for a while as when I felt I didn't pass my confidence sagged and my attitude with it. Biggest mistake I made; and one I really hope that anybody who reads this can avoid.As I said above I do get read at times; less often than I did six months ago, but even once is once more than I and probably most everyone who transitions would like. When I wrote the above statement about not letting it ruin attitude or confidence I was still working on following that advice. Well six months later I do follow that advice. Even when I'm obviously read - as I was by the woman behind J and I in the checkout at the grocery store this evening - I not only didn't let it ruin my night - I didn't care. I had passed plenty of times earlier in the day and plenty of times after that little hiccup and I had a wonderful day with J regardless. Six months ago, that might not have been the case. I might have wanted to come home and take off the wig and makeup, change into a nightgown, and stayed in for the night. Instead J and I came home to drop off the groceries, went and fed some geese that have taken up residence for now where they are adding on to our subdivision, went out for dinner, and then came home and went for a nice long walk. That women in the checkout line behind me - I have no idea who she is, nor will I likely ever see her again, so why in the world should I care what she did or didn't think about me? If she had a problem, well then that's *her* problem. I was having a nice day with J and I was not about to let some random stranger doing some staring change that. I know it can be hard to have that kind of attitude - I sure didn't when I started transitioning or even when I went full-time - but now that I do truly live by that I am so very much happier and I believe J is as well since we do get out more and stay out longer than we did before.
I could go on for another few paragraphs, but it's getting late and I'm tired so I'll wrap this up here. I do want to share an obligatory picture for a thumbnail. This is how I went out shopping and to lunch with J and M *last Saturday* - I do have a picture from today but I'll save that for another update since I haven't had a chance to use last Saturday's. It's a new top paired with one of my favorite skirts.
And with that I bid you all a good night. :)
- M
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