Holidays And (Lack Of) Family Redux

Recently I commented on the impact of the holidays and lack of my genetic family in my life (Here: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/11/holidays-and-lack-of-family.html ).

While I am incredibly happy with the family I've chosen to have - especially my wife/Mistress who is absolutely the love of my life - I do miss having actual "family interaction" sometimes - more so this time of year.

Well yesterday my wife and I went to her parents for a late Thanksgiving dinner.  She had an absolutely rotten day at work and I was so worried about her that I offered for us to stay home or even for us to go out to a quiet dinner; but she was adamant that she wanted to have a nice evening with her parents and their friends.  Truth be told; her bad day was the majority reason for my offer; but not the only reason.  I was nervous - no I was scared to go.  While her parents and the friends in question are all aware of my transition to Madison, they had never seen me as Madison.  It's one thing for me to go out in public and be around strangers as I really don't care what they think; but I do care what her parents think and more so I care what they think of her.

Just before we got there she asked me if I was nervous and I couldn't lie so I told her I was.  She repeatedly offered for us not to go; but I couldn't do that to her.  She's always so wonderful to me, there was no way I could deprive her of Thanksgiving with her family, especially after her rough day at work.

As a side note, below is the outfit I wore.  For some reason I can't get it to link to the Flickr copy - I've done it here before; so I had to upload the image here which agitates me.  Additionally, I'm not sure what setting(s) I've changed on the camera but it's not taking very good pictures.  I've "reset" it so hopefully going forward they will be better.

As much as I love dresses; it's only the second time I've worn one out in public (I also wore this dress to my Uncle/Aunt's 35th anniversary last month); and I've never worn it with those shoes.  They're a pair of "booties" with a good 4 inch stiletto heel which I love, but I can't normally walk in for very long.  However, I wanted to look nice for my wife/Mistress so went with them.

Now not only would this be the first time I saw her parents as Madison; if you look closely you can see my slave collar on.  We had talked about that and while I left the decision to her (as well all decisions these days); my "preference" was to not take it off, but if she wanted to I would understand.  She elected to leave it on, which truth be told added to my nervousness as I knew her parents/friends would notice it and I wasn't sure how that would go.

Let me say how wonderful dinner and the evening was.  I continued to be nervous; but as the night progressed I would like to think I slowly got over that.  Dinner was so good; especially the stuffing as I normally don't eat that, but her Mom's was phenomenal.  It was so nice to have that "family experience" both for myself and more important for my wife/Mistress.  She's very close to her parents and in the past I've given her some grief for that; but truth be told I suppose it was in large part to me being jealous that she has that and I don't.  I can't speak for her parents; but to me they're now the closest thing I have to parents and I both appreciate and care for them as such.

I need to go as I still have a significant part of my "to do" list to get done, but I wanted to discuss this wonderful evening while it was still reasonably fresh in my mind. :)

- M

Holidays And (Lack Of) Family

I think I've made it pretty clear that my family is basically my wife, daughter, and my roommates (my ex-wife and her husband).  I've had a little contact with my one Uncle/Aunt; but the reality of it is that really been nothing more than superficial at best.

For the most part I've made peace with that; but this time of year it is hard for things to be that way.  I don't begrudge anyone who does have family that they spend time with - in fact I'm very happy for them, but it's so hard for me seeing how happy they all seem to be while I sit here at home basically alone knowing I no longer have that.

There are many reasons it's like this, some are my fault, others probably not; but when this time of year rolls around - well I seem to dwell on the reasons that are my fault.  This isn't meant to be a pity party for me; I made many of the choices that have led to this; but I honestly sit here and wonder if I were to be gone from this life would anybody other than my wife/daughter/roommates even care?  I never used to be able to understand how people could be depressed this time of year; but now not only do I understand it, I'm living it.

But through the depressed feelings, I've come to realize that the family I do have - my incredibly wonderful wife, my loving daughter, and even my roommates - are all I really need to be happy.  We get along, we argue, we make amends, and all of the other things that a genetic family does; but no matter what we are here for each other.  Nobody more than my wife - she's my beacon of light in what sometimes seems like a dark and dreary night.  I would sacrifice everything, including my life if need be, to protect and care for her.  She makes me happy like no other before and no other ever could.  If I have a regret it's that it took me so long to realize just how wonderful she really is.  If you ever read this Mistress - and I say that term with pride, know that I love you and care about you with all my heart.  Every part of me is yours and I will spend every moment the rest of my life showing you that.

- M

What Am I Thankful For

I basically wrote this same post in my submissive blog at my wife/Mistress's request; but I thought it deserved to appear here as well:

What Am I Thankful For?  Actually quite a bit.  However, I don't want to go on all day so I'll give a list of 9 that I'm incredibly thankful for:

1. I'm thankful for my daughter.  There have been plenty of ups and downs over the years, but when my first wife and I got divorced; my daughter chose to stay with me which was always something special to me.  I'd like to see her show more initiative on things and perhaps go back to school; but regardless of that I love her and cherish her.
2. My wife/Mistress.  I simply could not ask for a more wonderful wife; much less Mistress.  It's been a few hours under 4 weeks now since we agreed to "try this out", and they've been the most wonderful 4 weeks of my 43+ years of life.  I could go on and on; but I won't - I'll simply say how much I love her both as a wife and as a Mistress and that I can never do enough to show her how special she is, but I will continue to try each and every day.
3. My roommates.  This one is a little weird and bears some explanation as there is often stress in the house and the majority of it revolves around them.  However, without having been married to "M", I wouldn't have my daughter today; nor would I likely have my wife/Mistress today; and for that I'm eternally grateful despite anything else.  I'm also grateful that she has been supportive of my gender change and provided a great deal of assistance with things.  I'm grateful for her husband, even though he's among the crabbiest people I've ever met.  Truth be told, I see a lot of the person I used to be in him, which is a constant source of amusement for me since if "M" didn't want me, why did she end up with someone like me?  However, when he's in a decent mood, he can actually be pleasant to be around; but what I'm really grateful for is that somehow he keeps "M" happy; and despite anything in the past, I do consider a friend - well more of a sister - and I want her happy and if he can do it - well then I'm grateful for that.
4. My friend Destiny.  Seeing her last summer is what gave me the impetus to pursue my gender change.  Without that "push" such that it was I'd not be Madison today.
5. My friends Mandy, Nicole, and Elena.  I've had many supportive friends; but these three stand out.  It's easy to be "Facebook Friends"; but these three have repeatedly invited me out  with them as Madison and treated me as an equal.  This isn't a slam on any of my other friends as I was never very social in the first place; but for the three of them to go out of their way to do what they did - I am extremely thankful for that.
6. My cats.  We have seven, which is several too many, but they are all rescued cats and I hope we're giving them a far better life than they had in some shelter or out in the wild.  Each of them is special in their own ways; from the way Sampson comes up and cries to be fed, to the way Princess sits on the back of my desk chair as she is now, to the way our first (Emily) appears to be going a little senile, they're all special to me and have provided me plenty to be thankful for.
7. My uncle Jim and Aunt Sissy.  I won't go into my family itself - I've done that in my regular blog here: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/friends-family-and-being-transgendered.html and here: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/10/family-friends-and-being-transgendered.html, and frankly it's a bit depressing sometimes.  However, these two wonderful people are very special to me and I'm very thankful for them; and hope they invite me to their 50th wedding anniversary in 15 years. :)
8. My Mother-in-Law and Father-in-Law.  Not for the tangible things they've done for me or for my wife; but for the fact that they conceived and raised the most wonderful woman I've ever met.  I'm not overly big on religion; but I do give thanks *EVERY DAY* for this.
9. Last, but certainly not least a wonderful woman named Janet - actually "Miss Janet" to me, and at one point long ago "Mistress Janet".  I owe her so much; she taught a young naive person a lot about the world and the world of BDSM.  She's been a trusted sounding board for me over the years.  To this day I'm thankful that we can keep in touch and that she has taken the time to provided my wife/Mistress not only a sounding board as well; but also insights into the person I once was and the person I truly hope to be come again.  

I think we'll leave it at 9.  I'm sure there are others I could've/should've listed here; but these are the ones that came to mind right away and they are all special for various reasons that I've included here as well as many others.

- M

Transgender And The Bathroom

For me, and a lot of Trans-Woman I suspect; using the bathroom is a major source of stress.  The rule of thumb says to use the bathroom of the gender you are presenting as.  However, as there is no clear cut law on the issue - at least in Missouri - it can be dicey at best.  I make every effort to not have to use a bathroom when I'm out; but if I do I usually try to find a "family" bathroom which mitigates the problem; however, that's not always possible, nor is it always possible to wait until I can get home.

So today was a "baby book moment" for me - my wife "J", my friend "M", and I had went to get our eyebrows threaded and then to lunch.  We had initially picked a place but due to some driving hijinks we ended up deciding to head to Ameristar casino for their Champagne Brunch.

Once we got there I had to use the bathroom, but I couldn't seem to find a family restroom; so "J" said she'd take me to the ladies room.  I am legally female per my court order; but I have not changed my license or birth certificate yet; nor had I thought to bring my "carry letter" from the therapist so I was more than a bit nervous.  As it turned out it was completely un-eventful.  We got our food, took it to the table and headed off "to the potty".  There was a woman at one of the sinks but she didn't pay any attention to us so I hit the first open stall with "J" taking the one next to me.  Of course I suddenly couldn't go, but after sitting there for a minute or two the problem took care of itself.  "J" finished before me and was washing her hands when I came out.  We finished up and proceeded to have a great lunch.  One more thing checked off the "girl list".

-M

Missouri Gender Change Redux

As I mentioned 10 days ago (in this post: http://stltg.blogspot.com/2013/11/gender-change.html) the judge legally approved my gender change this month.  Well today I finally got my copies of the certified court order and the paperwork from my lawyer to change it with the state.  Up until now it's been almost surreal; but now it's starting to sink in that I am finally legally a woman.

I'm not sure how quickly I'm going to change my license, but I'm going to file the paperwork with the state for getting my birth certificate change this week.  If the one for the name change is any indication it'll probably take a month or so which mean that hopefully I'll have it right around Christmas.

It's funny how a little piece of paper can mean so much; but it does.

-M

Transgender Makeup - Part 1 - Shopping For Makeup

One of the most important things in my mind for a Trans-woman to master is the art of makeup.  While there are exceptions, including my close friend "D" who can pass with little or no makeup; the majority of us cannot.  What follows are some of my thoughts on the topic.

One of my flaws early on - and for a great many Trans-women - is that we don't wear our makeup in an age appropriate manner.  Now I'm not saying anybody has too, but if you are seeking to blend in one of the worst things you can do is have your makeup done in a style more appropriate for someone 10/20/30 years your junior.  Another common thing I see is overdone makeup.  Don't get me wrong, I love to wear makeup and look nice, but try going to the grocery store on a weekday morning.  At the vast majority of those stores you'll see cis-women with little or no makeup and almost none done up for a night on the town.  The same could be said for attire - stilettos for example are something I love, but again you don't see them at the grocery store, library, etc.  However, that's a topic for another day, today's is makeup.

Lets talk about the elephant in the room to start with - purchasing makeup.  This seems to be the largest hurdle for many Trans-women, including myself at one point.  Some deal with this by utilizing the Internet and while that's great once you know what kinds of things you like and what works for you it can be frustrating (and expensive) early on as you're playing a guessing game to a large extent.  I'd recommend biting the bullet and going to the store personally.  Now, if you have a supportive significant other or even friend that can/will go with you that can greatly ease the stress; but even if you don't I want to say a few things.  I spent nearly three years as a part-time cashier and then customer service manager (cashier supervisor basically) at Wal-Mart and then about a year as a part-time cashier at Target and trust me plenty of men, cross-dressers, and Trans-women came in alone and bought makeup.  Virtually nobody gives it a second thought.  We're too busy worrying about our break/lunch, what we're doing when we get off work, our families, and a million other things to care about what you're buying.  Now are there exceptions to that?  Yes, especially older cashiers, they're usually slower and pay more attention to what they're scanning.  Younger cashiers are generally faster, are less concerned with what they're scanning, and often times even if they do pay attention they're more accepting anyway.  What you DO NOT want to do is start making excuses for the makeup you're buying - nothing draws attention to things quicker than that.  It should be no different than any other shopping trip for you.

A special word about "self checkouts".  Those are hit and miss for a couple of reasons.  Generally there is a stand where an employee monitors those self-checkouts and they can see everything that is rang up.  Now that assumes that the employee is actively monitoring their system; but don't think that simply because you're not directly in front of a cashier that you're not being watched by one.  The other "concern" is that a great deal of makeup has very small barcodes that can be difficult to scan.  A regular cashier is used to that and will generally know just how to get the scanner to read it; but for somebody just in there to shop who may be nervous it's sometimes a challenge and you may quickly find an overly helpful employee standing next to you which can draw unwanted attention.  Therefore if you are trying to get in and out the easiest I would suggest a young busy cashier as I said above; now if you've made it to the point I have where you don't care then self-checkout away.

From a personal perspective, I've also found that higher end stores such as M.A.C. and Sephora are great for this.  Now it's more of a "personal experience" there as they have sales people roaming the floor; but both of these stores seem to cater to the Trans community.  I've never had a salesperson be anything less than helpful there.  Additionally, they're generally more than happy to help you make choices based upon what you're looking for and will generally demo it on you if you'd like.  I still recall my first visit to a M.A.C. store; it was before I made the decision to transition - I was basically still cross-dressing.  I wanted to wear lipstick on a regular basis so I decided I needed something in a nude shade to match my lip color.  A very sweet young lady spent a good 15-20 minutes working with me to pick out a great lipstick and lip liner, and even took the time to apply it and explain what/how she was doing.  Since I was so new at things it was great for me.

Sephora has been just as helpful.  Their ColorIQ foundation matching system is great; although it didn't work very well for me as my skin was overly red from a laser treatment a day or two prior.  However, the young woman assisting me took the time to try out several foundations until we found the perfect match and even re-did my makeup for me.  I walked out looking better than when I walked in.  I've also had a "make over" there.  My roommate "M" and I went.  I believe it's $50 *OR* you can purchase that amount in makeup (I ended up purchasing way more than that).  It was about 45 minutes and she took my input as to what I liked and did my whole face explaining it along the way.  Now I will say Sephora does this out in the middle of their sales floor; so if you're shy (like I am) this may be something you have to work up to.  I was able to handle it and am glad I did; but I know our local M.A.C. store has both a setup on the floor as well as one in back if you don't want to be on public display while your makeup is being done.  Despite the fact that it was hard for me to go into these stores back in the day I'm so grateful that I did as it allowed me to get some much needed help finding a good shade of foundation.  Once I did it gave me so much more confidence with the rest of my makeup and my appearance that I started going out more often which I think has been a huge help to my transition.

The bottom line is that you're the customer with money to spend and these stores want that money.  I've had nothing but good experiences at stores such as Sephora, M.A.C., Ulta, and Beauty Brands, and I don't hesitate to shop at discount stores - even "dollar stores" often have some great makeup cheap.  I often pick up things there for "practice", but I've found a few things that I use regularly - just don't get attached as the dollar stores often get whatever inventory they get - it may be overstock, discontinued, or whatever; but it's generally not replenished.

I think this has gotten long enough; so I'm going to wrap it up now.  The next time I post, I'll start covering specific makeup items and my experiences with them.

Thanks for reading.

-M

St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 4

Another in a series of posts detailing experiences out and about in the St. Louis area as a Transgender Woman.  

UPDATE:  Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts:  My Transgender Experiences.  Additionally, I've went back and added more links and made some updates to some of the individual entries below since over time some things have changed.

Services:

• *UPDATE* - Exquisite Threading (Clayton, Missouri) - I've been there two more times since my original post.  The first of those two visits, I had the same lady I had the prior time - she remembered me, so I guess I still stand out more than I'd like.  However, once again she did a tremendous job; my eyebrows would've rivaled any CIS-Woman's after she was done.  HOWEVER, the most recent visit - which was sooner than normal as I had gotten spoiled to have my brows so nice, I got somebody else.  Had if I hadn't had such a great job the two prior times I might've said this was a great job; but in comparison it suffered.  She was a bit sloppy on the outer edges and didn't bother to trim them down after the threading like they normally do.  It wasn't really noticeable until I got home in some bright light in the bathroom; so like I said it wasn't "bad"; just not as great as it had been in the past.  Still highly recommended.

• *UPDATE* - Susan Jacobsen (Attorney, Brentwood, Missouri) - Ms. Jacobsen assisted me with my legal name (and gender) change recently.  Both of those have now been completed, although I won't get the certified copy of the gender change until later this week.  Everything I said about her in the initial review still stands.  She is a wonderful person to work with; she has been incredibly accessible via email (my preferred method of communication); but also returns calls promptly.  She's been proactive and I know this sounds almost silly, but "caring".  Sometimes I basically need my "hand held" for things and she's done that adeptly.  Couldn't speak more highly of her.

Retailers:

• *UPDATE* - Wal-Mart (Wentzville Missouri) - I'm still a little hesitant to use dressing rooms at some retailers; but this is NOT one of them.  The various ladies at the fitting room have always been polite and professional and I don't hesitate to shop for clothes there.

• Schnucks (Wentzville, Missouri) - Probably not quite as friendly as the Shop-n-Save I rave about; but I've never had any issues here.  I think the Schnuck's at Hwy K & Hwy N and the one in Lake Saint Louis are nicer stores (newer too?); but this one is in a more convenient location since it's near a Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, Dierberg's, Best Buy, etc.

• Dierberg's (Wentzville, Missouri) - I would rank them at or near the Shop-n-Save as far as friendliness.  The only reason we don't shop here as often is that they are generally higher priced than Shop-n-Save and not as close to home.  But the associates have all been tremendously helpful and friendly and I don't hesitate at all to shop here.

• Sam's Club (Wentzville, Missouri) - I normally visit here with "M" and while nobody is overly friendly; I've had no issues here.

Restaurants:

• Qdoba - (Dardenne Prairie, Missouri) - My wife likes this a lot more than I do; although their chips and queso is very good; and they now have one of the Coca-Cola Freestyle machines which is nice for her - I only drink plain Coke so that doesn't help me either.  The couple of times I've been in there I've been treated politely and respectfully and will continue to visit.

• Hardee's (Wentzville, Missouri) - They have a lot of food I like and they also have the Freestyle Coca Cola machine.  Again, I've always been treated politely and respectfully there.

I think that'll cover it for now, thanks for reading.

- M

Being A Submissive Transgender

As I alluded to the other day some changes have taken place between myself and my wife besides my legal name and gender changes.

This post will touch on Dominance and Submission (D/S) and if that is not your cup of tea, then I would suggest not reading further.  The topics are here are by no means "adult"; I prefer to keep this blog as "general reading", and this post will focus more on the "power exchange" aspect, but I realize that it's not everyone's thing.

Both my wife and I are naturally submissive people.  That's proven to be a challenge over the years as we've both went back and forth trying to be the dominant partner in our marriage and we've never had any success.  However, on our fourth wedding anniversary which was just under two weeks ago; my wife proposed we try again with her as the dominant partner.

I was initially apprehensive as while we are both naturally submissive, she always seemed to be the more submissive of the two of us - she's lived that life style before and she "gets it".  I lived it before, but it was not a full-time thing like her and the reality is that I was young and things were different then, I'm now older and I really "didn't get it".  At it's purest form, D/S is about "Power Exchange" between individuals.  Each D/S relationship is different due to the dynamics between any two given people.  It can be as simple as one partner making decisions such as what to have for dinner, or up to giving up complete and total control of everything in your life to someone else.  Most tend to fall somewhere in the middle with limits are discussed/negotiated.

When my wife suggested it several days ago; things were different. With her promotion a few months ago she's become a different person.  A better person.  Not that anything was ever wrong with her; but she has finally become able to stand up for herself and speak her mind when it's appropriate instead of simply taking whatever was pushed her way.  I was torn as to what to do as most recently we had tried things with me as the dominant and this would mean that I had failed (yet again); and I felt selfish for letting her do this.

She asked for one week to "prove herself" (her words, not mine) and I readily agreed.  All I can say is "WOW", she is a different person now and I couldn't love her more.  She can and does make decisions, she has no issues expressing her opinions, and so on.  When I agreed to this, I figured in for a penny, in for a pound, so I told her I had no limits; therefore we'd be at the far end of the spectrum as a total Power Exchange.

I can't lie, it's been difficult at times as to suddenly go from being the "more dominant" personality in the relationship to one that is totally submissive is quite a change.  She's been moving carefully with things, but we've never been happier together.  As I said I don't necessarily want to get into specifics in order to keep this from turning into an Adult blog; but I wouldn't trade my situation for anybody's.

-M

Gender Surgery

I know I still need to discuss the "relationship change" I mentioned yesterday; but I figured that could wait for another day.

As a trans-woman, the ultimate destination for me is Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS, or as some refer to it SRS).  The reality of the matter for me is that while it's expensive, we could probably make it happen; but it would likely cost me my job.  I have a job that I really like and that allows me to work from home.  Unfortunately it's for a (very) small company so EEOC protections don't apply, ENDA won't apply, and so on.  I'm already out on a limb with what I've done so far, but I recently traveled to a conference with my boss/owner and he didn't seem to notice any changes - I was a bit concerned about my breast growth; but I managed to wear baggier polo's and a light jacket since it was cooler there.

However, GRS would put me out of commission for enough time I'd have a hard time explaining that and I'm sure it would eventually get out.  As it is I've kept my word in that I have not had a "sex change".  I realize I'm splitting hairs there, but it is the truth.  While the name I've chosen - Madison - is less uni-sex that I thought it was, I figure when I finally have to share that I can chalk it up to a simple name change and point out that I kept my original (very male) name as my middle name which I'm hoping will appease him and the majority owner.

That all being said, after finding out that my judgment to change my gender legally from male to female has been signed I started thinking about a Orchiectomy ("Orchi").  Without getting too graphic, it's basically an outpatient surgery that removes the testicles themselves.

People might question the reason behind that and there are several in no particular order:

• Ideally I'd be able to cut back on my testosterone blocking medication since my body would no longer produce that.  Personally less medicine is always a good thing to me.
  
• From a mental standpoint it would make me feel better about myself which less parts "down there".
  
• From a vanity standpoint, it would help eliminate issues with an unsightly bulge in certain clothes.
  
• Lastly, to me it would affirm my decision to transition as at this point everything I've done is more or less reversible.

This is something I've discussed with my spouse and she supports it; although I've asked her to keep thinking about it for a bit to be sure.  I go see the Doctor who's supervising my hormones in about 10 days and I'm going to get her opinion on it; and I have a therapist visit in 5 weeks or so and I'll get her opinion as well.  Assuming neither has a good reason not to do it, I'm going to request the authorization letter from my therapist; although the surgeon I think I would see doesn't seem to normally require letters (some require two just as with GRS).

As of now, unless my Doctor has a suggestion for somebody more "local", I'm leaning towards going to Michigan.  It's close enough to drive - albeit a long 8-10 hour drive so I could avoid flying; and I figure it would be a nice road trip my wife and I.  With it being an outpatient procedure we should be able to leave the morning before, spend the night, have the procedure done, and spend another night or two for me to "recover", before heading home.

I don't want to put the cart ahead of the horse, so until I can speak with at least my HRT Doctor this is really only some thoughts - but if she is okay with it; then I can get more serious and perhaps see about arranging it for early next year.

Gender Change

It's been several days since I've posted here.  A week ago today was my fourth wedding anniversary - we've been together for closer to eight.  Our marriage was significantly altered that day - for the better - but that's for another post.

Today's topic is my Gender Change.  Monday, marked 30 days since my court appearance.  As I've detailed in a prior post the name change was granted immediately and the gender change was supposed to be "under consideration" for 30 days.  When I spoke with my lawyer last week she implied that the judge was actually going to hold it until I got my amended birth certificate.  As luck would have it, when I got home Monday evening, the birth certificate was waiting for me in the mail box.  I again spoke with my lawyer on Tuesday and she spoke with the judge's clerk who said it would be signed on Wednesday.

Well here we are on Friday and I haven't heard anything, nor has "Case.Net" been updated.  So with it being a long weekend (Veteran's Day on Monday), I contacted my lawyer to see if she had an update.  She did not, but she promptly called the judge's clerk and found out that the order has in fact been signed and the clerk has just been busy; but that it will go out this afternoon or possibly Tuesday since Monday is a holiday.

So while I don't have it in hand, it does appear that I'm now actually legally a female as far as the State Of Missouri is concerned.  I still have to have my license updated and birth certificate amended a second time each; but it's a small price to pay in my mind.

With that I'm going to cut this short; but I'll be back over the weekend to explain the comment in the first paragraph.

- M