Being "Pretty" Around The House...

When I go out, be it by myself, or with any combination of J, M, or others; I want to look nice.  I imagine that's especially common among those of us transitioning from male to female.  Prior to my transition I was a relative slob, almost always wore khaki's and a polo, untied tennis shoes, and so on.  Now I want the outfit to be "just right" and I feel nice when it is.  The internal struggle I have is when I'm just around the house.  Now for me that's a lot of the time as I do work from home.

I've always had lots of excuses to not get "dolled up" when it's just going to be a typical day around the house, let me see how many come to mind:

1. Why should I dirty the extra clothes?
2. What if I spill something on them and ruin them?
3. Even if I do get dressed, I look in the mirror and see a "male" face.
4. I'll just (needlessly) waste a bunch of makeup.
5. Shaving every day hurts my face.
6. Without having my own hair, I think I look like a cross-dresser.
7. If everybody else is at work or sleeping (for those on the night shift) and there's nobody to see me what does it matter?
8. I feel silly walking around the house in nice clothes and shoes.

I think that's probably enough to give you an idea of what was going through my mind.  The thing is as time has passed those excuses seem to have become less valid - let's visit each of them:

1. Valid point, but considering that J & I do laundry every week regardless, I guess that really doesn't matter now does it?
2. It's called being more careful.  And in the event that I'm not, well that's life.  I could just as easily ruin something going to the store or out to dinner or whatever else.  Life happens.
3. That one - well that one is a two part issue and it's the amount of facial hair and the lack of hair on my head.  Let me address this one in points 4/5/6 below.
4. Maybe, but there's no reason I have to use my "nice" makeup.  I could use some cheap drugstore makeup for around the house.  Yeah maybe it won't look quite as nice; but it also won't cost all that much and truthfully I could use the practice.
5. Let me qualify, regular shaving isn't too bad, but when I know I'm going out I shave twice - both with and against the grain and it does irritate my face.  However, the laser hair treatments have *significantly* affected this and now it's not so much of an issue.  I'm not saying I want to shave 365 days a year; but recently there have been times where I've went out 3-4 days straight and I've been fine, so I guess we can mark this one off the list now too.
6. Valid point, but considering I have several wigs now that I like - well not so much of an excuse anymore then is it.
7. Again a valid point on the face of things.  But considering that looking nice does make me feel happy and better about myself, I guess that should be enough.  Another excuse now show down.
8. Yes, maybe I should feel silly walking around in a cocktail dress and stilettos around the house; but what's wrong with a cute skirt or some capris or something along with a nice top?  And for that matter a nice pair of flats, a cute pair of wedges, or some nice pumps?  It's not like I'd be the only woman doing it; I know some that would happily run around in a nightgown all day if they could; but I also know ones that do get up and look nice the entire day as well; so why should I feel silly?

So while I've basically shot all of those reasons down and have made the case that I can/should do it because it makes me happy; that wasn't quite enough of a reason for me.  However, I have finally found a reason that is enough to make me want to start doing looking nice on a consistent basis.  And that's my wife J.  She goes out of her way to look nice for me, even on her days off; so why shouldn't I be doing the same back for her?  She does work long shifts and I know she's tired when she comes home so I've almost always got dinner ready for her when she walks in; but why shouldn't I be capable of looking nice for her too?  Not that she's ever complained about how I look around the house; but shouldn't she get what she gives when it comes to this?  After thinking about it, my answer would be yes; so going forward she's going to get that effort out of me not only when we're going out, but every day of the week.

I know not everybody can do that or even would want to, but for those with a doting partner at home I think it's at least worth considering.  :)

- M

How Much To Share?

This is a topic that I've fought with since I started to transition.  In my mind the question really is two questions:

1)  How much to share with friends/family?
2)  How much to share with everyone else?

For me the first one is actually the more difficult one to answer.  Obviously J knows about everything.  M knows almost everything, but on occasion I spare her certain particulars.  Beyond that, there isn't much family I communicate with.  I generally don't talk about much with my daughter unless it directly affects her - such as when J and I went out of town for surgery.  M's husband, well I'm assuming she shares things with him, but in general I don't.

For those that aren't clear on "my family", let me touch on it a bit.  My "birth family" - well I have no real contact with them for various reasons.  When I say "family" I'm talking about what I refer to as my "chosen family" and that consists of:

• My wife "J"
• My daughter - I've always refer to her as that in this blog, but going forward I think she will be "P"
• My ex-wife "M".  This one is the one that most people have trouble wrapping their heads around.  We were married for just short of 10 years.  We were a horrible married couple for a lot of reasons, our age, our maturity levels, etc.  It didn't help that we shared a house with my mom, sister, etc (my mother and I had bought right after I got married).  She finally decided she wanted a divorce which crushed me and it was a little dicey for a couple of months.  However, while we did divorce we became great friends; I now refer to her as my "best friend" and more the last few years, my "sister".  Obviously not by blood, but that's how I see her.  We ended up moving back in together into a townhouse while we looked for a house.  As I said we had become good friends at the time and it would allow our daughter to grow up in one household.  She had a second (very short lived) husband who moved it, but that lasted only a few months before they divorced and he was gone.  We eventually found a new house that was nearly complete and we (M, P, and myself) planned on moving in along with M's grandfather.  Her grandmother had recently passed and her grandfather was starting to have trouble living on his own.  Unfortunately in between us closing on the house and moving in, he passed as well.  By now I had met J and she moved in with me/us.  M would eventually get married for a third time and her husband moved in as well.  So as it stands now we have a reasonably nice 4 bedroom home for the 5 of us.
• M's husband who I think I will now refer to as M2.  :)

It's definitely not a "traditional" family, but it works for us, at least for the most part.  There are issues from time to time, but no different than the issues that M and I had when living with my birth family.  Additionally, she's not family, but I do mention "D" from time to time.  She's a former co-worker of mine that transitioned a couple of years prior to me and was really the push I needed to pursue it myself.  I can't say enough wonderful things about her.

Now that I've given you more information that you probably need or wanted to know, let's move on.  Beyond my "chosen family", the only other family I really interact with are one uncle/aunt (my dad's brother) and one of their daughter-in-laws who has went out of her way to be friendly with J and I.  

I basically handle them the same way I handle the people I consider "friends" and that's via Facebook.  I share certain things there, such as pictures of me/J, and other stuff; but not a whole lot of really personal things.  But it always becomes an internal debate as how much to really share and how personal to get.  I know they care and such (more the three family members than the friends do I would think), but I also don't want to over burden them with anything as I know they have their own concerns, issues, etc., and don't need to be pondering mine.

As far as "everyone else", I think that's a more interesting question than the friends/family.  Maybe I'm wrong in that, but to me with family and/or friends you know them and can make determinations as to how they can/will handle things and the like.  With "everyone else" and by "everyone else" I really mean publicly via the Internet.  Once something is out there, it won't ever go away and while a huge majority of people don't seem to care (see Facebook <G>), it's a bigger concern for those of us who are transitioning as it can affect not only our own personal lives, but those of friends and family, employment and so on.  

From my observation there are three broad categories here; those that choose to share nothing or virtually nothing and are basically "stealth"; those that share about everything; and then everybody else.  I believe I've been a part of all three of those groups in the last twenty months, starting with the first one.

When I first chose to transition as I've discussed previously I spoke with J, M, and D; although by the time I spoke with D I had made my decision and that was more of a Q&A session over lunch with her, M, and I.  However, I really didn't share with anybody else, even at home.  I had been cross-dressing for years around the house so I figured my daughter wouldn't notice much of anything anyway - and as far as M2 goes I figured M shared with him and I didn't need to.  But I kept quiet on places such as Facebook and Susan's Place where I did a lot of reading and such, but didn't post anything, and so on.  I didn't even tell any friends beyond D.  

After my first therapist session that sort of changed and I moved into that "everyone else" stage where I started sharing some things.  I had walked out of there feeling absolutely wonderful and I guess the word would be empowered.  I proceed to create a new Facebook account for Madison and started slowing adding selected friends.  I tended to be very choosy about who I added as I knew certain people may tell others and I wanted to remain in control of who knew.  I started posting on Susan's Place, including some pictures and I felt good.  This stage continued for a long time for me, probably a year or so.

About six months ago, I decided I was going to be more open and I opened up my Facebook account privacy and started this blog.  Now I had closed my account on Susan's, but it wasn't about being private, but for other reasons that I've covered previously.  In addition, more recently I've tried to become at least semi-active on the AskTransgender subreddit; and I was recently invited into a couple of relevant Google Groups.  I do now try and share about everything.  Initially that wasn't my intention, it was more to share those public experiences, be it shopping, dining out, legal things such as the way court worked for me for my name/gender change, and so on.  I always wanted to read everything I could about "real-world" experiences in regards to transitioning, and I wanted to try and give back by sharing mine.  But over time I've found I spend more time writing personal things.  I know they aren't nearly as beneficial as the non-personal things I post about, but I think it's a good outlet for me.  I'm probably sharing more than I should and it may well come back to bite me someday; but for now it's a risk I'm willing to take.

I guess I should go, work calls.  Have a great day.

Being Afraid....

I think everyone, or at least almost everyone has fear(s) of some sort.  Some are more common that others such as Acrophobia, which is the fear of heights (which I have among other things), some not so common such as Xanthophobia - which is the fear of the color yellow - as to why I know that, well I don't know since I don't have that one. :)  Many of those fears are easily managed, for example my fear of heights - well I tend to not go anywhere high.  Others, well those tend to be harder.

I have one particular fear that has come up since my transition - I initially didn't understand why, but recently I connected the dots and now I know.  That fear is if (when?) my mind starts to go.  I have no idea what my IQ truly is, but I was accepted into MENSA which by their standards is the top 2%.  In times past I took a lot of pride in that and it fed my ego; but since my decision to transition, that's waned.  Perhaps it was the fact that there are so many things about being a woman I don't know and don't understand well - such as makeup; perhaps it was simply me wanting to be a better person, most likely I guess it's a combination of things.

The thing is, it's not about me losing my mental acuity, that would probably bother me a bit, but I can live with that.  What I truly fear is losing the memories that are precious to me.  As I said above, I recently connected the dots on why this has suddenly become so troubling to me and looking back it was when J spent the better part of that 8 weeks out of town for her training.  I've always loved her, but during those 8 weeks, I finally realized just how much I loved her and how special she is.  We've always had our good times and our bad times; but since then the good times have become so much more common and so much better, the bad have become so much more infrequent and much less of an issue.  I now cherish the moments I have with her and the memories of those moments.

I had been keeping this to myself as thinking about that happening seems to almost instantly bring the tears on, in fact that's what's happening as I type this - and it's hard to type through teary eyes.  If I started to cry about it in front of her, I tried to chalk it up to the hormones, but reality is that my dosage has been stable for a while and even though I've been more emotional since the orchiectomy (at least after the first week post-op); this has been going on since well before that.  I'm sure she at least had an idea that there was more to it than I was letting on, but took me at my word and didn't overly press the issue.  However, the other day it finally came out.  Actually it was the day we finally came the rest of the way home from our trip for my surgery.  We had stopped for lunch about 30 minutes from home at a BBQ place.  It was early afternoon, pretty much halfway between lunch and dinner so it was really quiet with only maybe three tables occupied and we were spread out pretty good.

I've been trying to get photos of her when we are doing things that I really want to remember.  While I do it at home as well as when we are out; more often than not when we are out it's when we're eating.  It's not really intentional that I do it then; it's simply practical.  We're usually sitting across from one another and I usually have my phone sitting on the table next to me.  When I went to do it that day she again asked why I was getting a picture of her "stuffing her face" (or something to that effect - I don't remember the exact phrase) and I finally felt I should come clean.  I explained to her how much I cherish the time we've been spending together and if/when my memories ever start to go I thought perhaps those pictures would help me keep hold of those memories.  Maybe I've seen one too many movies (50 First Dates for example), maybe I'm just being silly, but I never want to let those memories slip away and if there is any chance those photos could help then I'm going to keep taking them.  

J was so sweet and understanding as I started crying about and said the sweetest things to me.  She's always so supportive, but the level of understanding she showed me that day meant more than she can imagine.  With all the things to possibly worry about, this might seem silly to a lot of people; but it's important to me and she understood that and made me feel better.  Thinking about it still brings me to tears, such as now talking about it, or even last night when we went out to dinner and I got a nice picture of her eating a piece of lobster.  The memory there was her telling me the ones I recently made at home were better; and maybe they were, but probably not - but the fact that she told me they were meant so much to me, more than I admitted to her and it made it a memory I want to keep forever.  So now I have yet another precious photo to add to the collection.  

I'm not sure that I really had a point here at all, which is probably out of the norm for me, but I thought I'd feel better if I wrote this down - I'm not sure that I do or not; but at least I gave it a shot.

- M

Review: Subway's Flatizza

Updated:  3/6/14 - Forgot pricing...

Without delving into the details (at least in this post), J and I are dieting together.  So today for lunch we decided to try the new Flatizza's from Subway.  We both had the "Veggie" one - there are three others - "Cheese", "Pepperoni", and "Spicy Italian".  We settled on the Veggie one mostly due to calories as it was only 20 calories most than the cheese, but nearly 100 less than the others.

J and M actually went to get them so I didn't personally observe the ordering experience, but from J's recap, apparently the employee that made them had no idea what went on it which sort of boggled as I would've assumed they would've been trained, but maybe I've been out of fast food too long.  I believe J had hers "as-is", I had asked her to add the sweet peppers to mine to go along with the default toppings of sauce, cheese, tomato slices, green pepers, black olives, and onions.

My initial impression was very positive, they are packaged in a cardboard box that resembles what you'd get at a pizza place if you ordered a "personal sized" pizza.  It is on square flatbread that is cut into 4 individual squares.  The appearance was surprisingly good and actually resembled the picture on their website and in the ad that had prompted us to get them.  The cut was a bit off center which didn't bother me, but was a little sloppy on their part since it's a simple square and it shouldn't be that hard to cut evenly.  The toppings were evenly distributed which was nice, I spent a few years as a manager for a national pizza chain and that was always a point of emphasis for us.  The bread was nice and crisp as advertised and the toppings were nice and fresh as they generally are at Subway.

Now the not so positive - the taste.  It's not bad, but it wasn't really good either.  Now I realize that flatbread is one of the crazes these days and I do like it; but not so much as a pizza crust; although if you are a fan of crispy pizza that might be a different story.  The sauce didn't stand out and in my case that's a plus as I want the toppings to be the defining taste; but if you are looking for a memorable marinara sauce I don't think this is it.  The toppings - well I covered what they were above and they were just fine.  I think that was the problem for me - everything was "fine"; but it wasn't something that after I finished I said "I want to have that again".  It was more of "well, I guess it wasn't bad".  If I wasn't actually on a diet and watching my calories it might be different, but with the calorie limitation I'm on - the 410 calories this took out of my daily allotment just simply wasn't worth it.  I'd rather to go say Hardee's and get a 1/3lb thickburger with cheese & mustard with no bun (wrapped in a lettuce leaf) for 330 calories.  I'd be happier and save 80 calories doing it.

Now all of that being said I freely admit that Subway isn't normally "my thing".  J likes it a lot, but not so much me.  So if you do like Subway this may well appeal more to you than it did me.

Update:  3/6/14.  I neglected to mention pricing in the review.  At least here they were being advertised as 2/$5 which breaks out to $2.50 a piece.  Now since I didn't go get them myself I'm not sure if they are sold as 1/$2.50, but I'd think they would be.

- M

A "Passing Obsession" - A Transgender Quandary

Updated 9.13.2014 - since for whatever reason six months after I wrote this entry it has suddenly become the most "popular" post here I've written an update to it here:  A Passing Obsession Follow-up

One of the most common questions/concerns of many transgender people - especially those contemplating transition or those that are just starting to transition is "will I pass"/"do I pass".  Now, obviously my experience with this subject is from a MtF perspective and as such this post will focus mainly on that; but it's definitely not limited to MtF as portions of what I'm going to talk about also relate to a FtM transition.  I'm simply not personally experienced in that sort of transition and while I can speculate on things, since I don't have the "personal experience" I don't have the same insights as I do for a MtF transition.  As I tend to do, I'm going to speak from a mostly personal experience; this is by no means meant to be some all knowing wisdom I'm about to share, but rather what my concerns were/are before and during my transition, and even now in what I consider my post-transition.

As I've mentioned before, one of the tipping points for me to transition was getting back in touch with a former co-worker/friend - "D".  I hadn't seen her in several years and she happened to run into M at work one night, and M invited her over.  Now I had heard she had transitioned and I expected that it was likely going well for her as she always sort of an androgynous look to her, and I mean that as a compliment.  Well, I wasn't the most social person in the world, but I did come down and spend a little time with everyone while she was here.  While I can't/won't comment on her transition specifically as I feel that would be a breach of trust, I will say she looked wonderful; and seemed so very happy.  In the next several days I gave things a lot of thought myself as J went out of town with her parents on vacation.  I talked with M a bit about D and how successful she was and M did make an offhanded comment that I should consider it.  I blew her off at the time, for a lot of reasons, but it did plant the seed in my head.  I mean if D could be (apparently) so happy, then perhaps I could do it and be happy as well.  I did my research and a few days later I broached the topic with J - she was still on vacation - but that is a story for another day.  I next broached it with M as I felt I would need more support than just J, and if you read this sweetie, that's nothing against you - it's on me as we both know I'm more than a bit insecure and I knew I'd need a lot of help and support.  

So what does all of this have to do with the topic at hand?  Not a whole lot, other than to give a short version of the back story for those that don't know me and/or haven't read the blog from the beginning.  That being said, it's now paragraph three and as I tend to do lets get to the topic at hand; and that topic is "passing".  Obviously every person who chooses to transition has their own concerns, but I would speculate that few, if any, aren't concerned about how they "pass" at least on some level.  I know it was a huge concern of mine, especially early on and that's what I want to share here.  

When I made the decision to transition, I spent hours, late into the night and early morning researching everything I possibly could about it.  Everything from the medical considerations and concerns of HRT along with SRS/GRS and other surgeries, all the way down to personal accounts of why people have transitioned and their experiences.  There were a lot of concerns that came from my research; and J had some from hers as well - things such as the divorce rate in couples where one person transitions, suicide rates, and so on.  The only one of those things that greatly concerned me were the divorce rates - I hoped J would understand and stay with me, but as I told her "it wasn't what she signed up for".  She quickly quashed that notion, she loved me regardless of my presentation or gender, I also had M and D's support.  I still had concerns such as the WPATH guidelines in regards to therapy for example - I've discussed my thoughts on that elsewhere - but at that point my biggest concern was "could I pass"?

I knew I had several things going against me.  My age meant that HRT likely wouldn't do as much for me as it would somebody half (or less) my age.  I was overweight.  My hair was so thin I'd have to go the wig route and the fact that I have a larger head even for a cis-male was going to make finding wigs I liked more difficult.  My facial (and body) hair was going to be a huge problem - on that note what a cruel irony that I have virtually none on my head where I need/want it and have so very much everywhere else.  Not to mention that at nearly 42 I would be trying to learn makeup skills, hair skills, mannerisms, and so on that a cis-woman had been learning since birth.  These were just some of the concerns I had and it weighed heavily on my mind.

I had not found Reddit yet, but I was spending a fair amount of time on sites such as Susan's Place - a lot of that time looking at threads such as "Can I Pass One Day?" and "Do I Pass?" - those are probably paraphrased, but you get the point.  That was very discouraging as well for two reasons.  The first being that I saw so many people that I thought passed so well and I didn't think I could ever look as nice as they did.  The second - and this is NOT meant to hurt any feelings - but truthfully there were also plenty of pictures that I looked at and knew they would likely never pass and that worried me as I felt I fell more into this group.

For the first several months I didn't go out very often as Madison and even when I did it took copious amounts of M (mostly) or J's time to get me ready as they had to pick out my outfits, do my hair and makeup, and so on.  If I had to leave the house alone, other than perhaps a therapist or Doctor appointment I went with what I'd consider an androgynous look.  I was deathly afraid to be out alone as Madison as I didn't feel I could pass at all - even from a distance.  This continued for several months, even though I had long since gotten rid of all my male clothes, if I had to go out alone I'd pick out the most non-girly clothes I had - which by now was hard as I only had women's clothing including shoes.  And when I went out with M and/or J I tended to "hide in their shadow(s)".  I told myself, them, Kelly my therapist, etc., that I didn't care what other people thought and I did believe that; but looking back I was fooling myself.  I did care and it concerned me what others might think and I was afraid of what they might say and so on.

I'm not exactly sure what the turning point was, but one day I simply decided that I either wanted to be Madison or I didn't, but if I did I couldn't continue to behave the way I had been.  From that point on I started going out as Madison more often, but still mostly only with M and J.  I made a concerted effort to "hide" less as well.  The final turning point for me came last summer at some point - I could probably look though my emails and pinpoint a date as it was on the way home from seeing Kelly.  I don't really recall what we discussed that session, but it was a rare session where I had driven by myself down there and was heading home by myself.  I left her office and I felt good.  Now, I will say that *EVERY* time I leave her office I feel better than when I walked in; but this time was different.  As I got in the car and pulled away from the curb, I felt good about myself.  I felt happy with myself.  The same kind of happy I felt when J told me she'd support me in transitioning.  It was the happiest I had been in a long time and that sort of made my decision for me.  There would be no more "androgynous" stuff - if I left the house it would be as "Madison" and none of this "half way" stuff anymore.  I had long since felt I was "full time" - to me that began the prior September when I had purged all of my male clothes; but in hindsight this was the day I truly feel I went full time.

I was so happy and actually had some confidence in myself that I stopped to get lunch on the way home.  I had never went out to eat alone as Madison before.  But for once I wasn't afraid of what people might think or say, I honestly for the first time truly didn't care.  I was treated courteously, included being correctly gendered and I think I left with more confidence than I went in with which is saying a lot.  Now considering my voice (especially at the time) I doubt that I truly passed to my server, but that didn't matter to me at that point.  But from the looks I got - well lack there of - from other customers I was at least passing from a distance and to me that was huge progress.

As it sits today my voice is still a work in progress, it's funny when I was younger I got "ma'am" in the drive thru all the time and now my voice seems to be in the low range for a cis-male so it's been hard work and there's a lot more to do.  However, I no longer concern myself with visibly passing.  I think I do at least most of the time.  I'm sure there are people that "read me" from time to time, but I simply don't care.  I know I said that before, but now I honestly don't.  On occasion J, M, or I will notice somebody staring, but instead of making me feel bad or something it now simply becomes amusing banter for us.  I no longer hesitate to run errands by myself as Madison - in fact one of my favorite things to do is grocery shop and while I don't mind doing it with J or M, I honestly prefer to go alone as it's a comfortable place for me to kill a hour or two and I don't give passing so much a a single thought.  Looking back it's amazing how that could happen considering how I felt about it 20 months or so ago.

I've given this a lot of thought over time and even more so over the last few days and my conclusions are:

• For the most part people are concerned about themselves and/or their companions and don't give others much more than a cursory glance.  There are obviously exceptions, but most people really aren't staring at you. :)
• The single most important part of "passing" is CONFIDENCE.  If you have it you've already nearly won the battle.  Without it, it doesn't matter how nice you look, how good your mannerisms are, or how well your voice fits your presentation - people will pick up the lack of confidence and the attention will lead to you being "read" far more often than it should.  Be it the grocery store, the mall, or wherever, act like you belong there and people normally won't give you a second glance.  Act out of place and you'll have their undivided attention.
• Dress the part.  That means dress age appropriately AND location appropriate.  Look I like shorter skirts, high heels, and makeup as much as anybody; but you don't normally see many cis-women in the grocery store dressed like they're ready for a night on the town.   
• Observe.  One of the reasons I really like the grocery store is that it skews towards having more female customers and I can do a lot of observation.  You'd be surprised at all the subtle nuances that you can pick up and quite often those are the difference between passing or not.
• Even if you are "read", it's not the end of the world and DO NOT let it ruin your attitude or confidence.  This one was hard for me for a while as when I felt I didn't pass my confidence sagged and my attitude with it.  Biggest mistake I made; and one I really hope that anybody who reads this can avoid.

There are probably a lot of other things I could put on that list, but those are what come to mind at 2:15am. :)  

I can't stress confidence enough.  But no matter how confident you are it will likely waiver at times.  Try not to let it, getting read isn't the end of the world.  I know I want to pass and I'm sure most people who transition also want that, but even if you don't in general or on a given day, don't let that get you down.  I - and I suspect many/most people that transition do it to try and live a happier life and if you obsess overing passing (or lack there of), you won't be as happy as you could be.  And it's not like cis-women aren't critical of themselves or are jealous over other women.  So worry about how nice you may look is just a part of the journey, embrace it for what it is and be happy. :)

- M

When "Fat Free" Turns Into A Disaster...

A little while back I shared a recipe that I found on the KetoRecipes subreddit for Jalapeno Cheese Puffs (Recipe).  I won't bore you with a dissertation on the "Keto" diet; but it was something I was looking into because my weight loss had stagnated.  Well they came out very good and J, M, and I all liked them.  They work out to about 180-190 calories each which isn't bad, but since I normally like to eat 3 in a sitting I was hopeful I could cut that down some as spending 500-600 calories on one meal makes it hard to stay under my calorie limit since I do enjoy my Coke.  The calorie limit and diet in general are a topic for later in the week though.

I got this bright idea of subbing out the cream cheese and cheddar cheese for "no fat" versions.  By my rough calculations this could take the calories from 180-190 each down to 60-70 calories which would mean that my preferred serving size would be in the 200 calories vicinity which would be great.  Well I was making dinner the other night, I had gotten some lobster tails on sale and while I'm not a fan of them - I lovingly refer to them as water roaches - J and M like them, so I got them each two as they weren't overly big.  I had intended on making a chicken dish, either White Chicken Enchiladas or Chicken Parmesan casserole to go with it, but my chicken wasn't thawed all the way and I hate to rush that.  So instead I made some minestrone soup since the two of them like that.  Normally I like to cook myself, but truthfully the soup was a pre-packaged food service sized bag that simply needed to be reconstituted.  I threw that in the crock pot - my only concern being it needed to get to 180 degrees and I wasn't sure if that would happen (which it did) - and moved on to what would I eat.

I settled on trying the lower fat puffs from above, so J went to the store to get some fat free cheddar and fat free cream cheese.  Now a quick gripe.  Why does fat free shredded cheese come in 1 3/4 cup bags when regular shredded cheese is in 2 cup bags?  That being said I went to prepare these; and preparation was not really any different except that I noted the cream cheese wasn't as "sticky" as regular cream cheese but I really didn't concern myself with that.  In fact I didn't get concerned until I checked them about 20 minutes in (they bake for about 40 minutes).  They were excessively white instead of a more orange-ish color that they normally are.  I wondered a bit and then went back to my other preparations.  I've gotten pretty good and prepping the lobster tails and they only broil for a couple of minutes so I had timed it that the puffs would come out of the oven, the tails would go in and everything would be ready on time (8:45pm on M's work nights which this was).

Well I went to pull the puffs out and put the tails in and now I did get concerned as they just didn't look right.  I set the muffin pan out to cool, I normally let them cool for 5-10 minutes and then turn them out so they can firm up a bit.  Well as soon as I took them out of the oven, they "fell" - by that I mean the centers collapsed down - I had never seen them do that before.  I let them cool for nearly 10 minutes while the lobster tails finished and I set the table for J and M.  I plated their tails and put out the vegetables and soup bowls and turned my attention back to the puffs.  I normally take a thin knife and work it around the edges to loosen them from the muffin pan and then flip out onto a clean cookie sheet.  When I went to try this I could tell that they weren't nearly as firm as normal and this became a concern.  I was able to flip them out, but the consistency wasn't nearly what I was used to - they weren't running, just overly soft - to the point that I had to reform a couple of them into shape.

I added one to M and J's plates asking them to try them and grabbed a couple for myself as it was to be my dinner.  Not a great dinner for me, but I had hoped to bank some calories so J and I could go out the following day so it was a good trade off for me.  Since I try to be a "good wife" <G> I always try and make sure that at least J and usually M are served and eating before I get to my food and this was no exception so J tried hers first.  She tried to compliment it but the look on her face said otherwise.  I then waited for M and she didn't say much but she had the same look.  I went ahead and bit the bullet and tried mine.  They were *bad* - I mean really *bad*.  Now in fairness if I had never had the original recipe I might have been able to deal with it, but compared to that recipe these were not something I wanted to eat again.  I went ahead and tried two more hoping they'd be better and they weren't.  We quickly decided that the calories saved were NOT worth it in this case.

Now of course I'm stuck with enough fat free cream/cheddar cheeses to make another batch so I gave thought to trying half regular, half fat free to use it up.  However, when I saw M the following morning she said her husband actually liked them - he tries to avoid fat and I guess these were in his wheel house.  I strongly encouraged her to have him finish them and told her that when/if he wanted more I had the stuff to make them that way again, but would NOT be doing so for the rest of us, I'd rather lower my portion size to 1 or 2 than suffer through those again.  Lesson learned, fat free is NOT always worth it.  :)

- M

Sacrifice

I had a therapist appointment this morning - this one came earlier than normal, only three weeks after my last one instead of the usual 2-3 months.  This was by design as I wasn't sure how I'd handle the orchiectomy and thought that just in case it might be good to go speak to Kelly.  I had looked ahead at J's work schedule to make sure she was off and could go with me.  Generally either her or M will come with me; but normally just to keep me company in the car.  However, this time I thought it might be good to have J come in as it had been a long while since she had visited with me.

The session itself was uneventful for the most part, we are both happy - as happy as I can remember either of us being.  But something was brought up that got me thinking and that was the fact that we tend to sacrifice for each other - quite a bit actually.  I'm sure many couples do, but I'm also sure that very few do it as consistently and often as we do for each other; but more importantly was the thought that we do it for each other with no strings attached, no resentment, no anything other than absolute true love for one another.  There's no tote board keeping score like a lot of people metaphorically do, it's just how we are - it's (virtually) always done without a second thought to what it might mean to ourselves.

I'm not here to talk about how wonderful we are; but rather the concept of how we view and treat each other.  We are invested in each others successes and failure, each others feelings, each others wants and desires.  We are willing to put those things above our own and as such while either of us may sacrifice things in the short term, in the longer term we get back far more than we could ever give as we not only normally obtain the things we need and want, be them tangible or non-tangible things - but we also have the love, compassion, caring, and support - among other things - from each other than no amount of money can buy.

This doesn't mean we don't have disagreements from time to time - I challenge any couple that has been together a significant amount of time to honestly say they don't as well.  But it never lasts more than a few minutes, we don't ever go to bed mad, in fact more often than not it's a debate as to which one of us apologizes more and tries to take responsibility for whatever happened.  The truth of the matter is that almost all the time it was in reality both of our responsibility when it comes down to it (there is an occasional exception to that) - and the reality is that both of us choose to stand up and own up to whatever we did (and usually more than what we did).  Each of us wants to make things right for the other.  Each of us wants to show our true love for the other.

Whether or not we are cuddling in bed, having a nice (or not so nice) meal, working out an "issue" that caused a disagreement, or whatever else we may be doing, the bottom line to anything is that we love and cherish each other; and we try and find the best in each other which allows us ourselves to each be our best for each other.  J, I know you read these sometimes and I just want to say you are the greatest gift ever bestowed upon me, I love and cherish you like no other, and want to spend the rest of my life with you.

- M

Transgender And Self Pity

Let me start off by saying this post may contain thoughts and opinions that you may disagree with.  I won't apologize for anyone disagreeing with my opinions any more than I'd expect you to apologize for me disagreeing with your opinions - they are after all simply opinions and nothing more.  That begins said, it is NOT my intention to hurt anyone's feelings and if I do; then that I WILL apologize for in advance.

With all of that out of the way, the subject for today is Self Pity.  I firmly believe we all have at least a little of it from time to time; that's part of being human.  However, my observations are that in the Transgender community it runs excessively high compared to the general population.  I've made it no secret that I feel that my transition has went exceptionally well, in fact outside of work I'm hard pressed to have any real complaints.  That's not to say there aren't things that I'm not happy about, for example I seem to cry a lot more than I'd like; especially since the orchiectomy a couple of weeks ago.  I wish I had my own beautiful hair instead of having to rely on wigs.  I wish my laser hair removal on my face was going quicker and cheaper.  It would be nice if I was more proficient with my makeup and/or hair and didn't have to rely on J and M as much as I do.  I wish I had already had SRS/GRS.  I wish my "blood family" had chosen to be more accepting.

But instead of wallowing in self pity about any of those things, I go out of my way to find positives in them or at least reasons to not let them get me down.  Yes I cry a lot now, but it makes me feel more feminine to do so.  Yes I'd like my own hair, but I don't have to pay to get it cut/styled and can change styles as easy as grabbing a different wig.  I wish I was more proficient with my hair/makeup, but it gives me a chance to learn styles and such that I might not otherwise do on my own.  Now other things, it is harder to rationalize, the hair on my face for example, wanting SRS/GRS, and my "blood family"; but I weigh those things against the fact that transitioning has made me so very happy and those around me happier with me.  In the big picture of that, those few things that I can't rationalize become much less significant to me and as such I can chalk them up as the price for me to be happy and it's one I'd pay every time.

But what I see on places such as Susan's and Reddit for two; are a large number of people who do wallow in self pity and think they're the only ones who have had problems.  I'm not here to tell you that it's wrong to do that; it's your life and you are entitled to live it how you want.  I'm also fully aware that you may well have things harder than I do.  You may not have a supportive significant other, your financial situation may be worse off, and so on.  On the flip side you may be younger, you may be prettier, you may have more breast growth, and so on.  The point here is that I'd suggest that you try and focus on what you have that is good and that can/does make you happy.  By focusing more on those things and less on the things that you don't have or can't do, hopefully you will be happier and I'm a firm believer that if transitioning can't/won't make you happy then it may well not be the best course of action for you at the given time.

We all have our problems and issues, I believe what sets apart those than successfully transition are that they do what they can to minimize those problems.  To me that means working as hard as you can for what you want.  But what I all too often see are people who seem to expect things to "just work" and when it doesn't the self pity sets in.  I realize there are some who do work as hard as they can and things still don't work out for them and for those I do honestly have empathy for; but unfortunately that is no different than anything else in this world.  But for those with the entitled attitude - well if things work out for you then I'm happy for you and perhaps a little jealous since I do have to work hard - but if things aren't working out for you without the effort you can and should give, well I can't feel sorry for that.  It's one thing to vent from time to time, most all of us do; but when it becomes a consistent habit, perhaps you should re-think things and invest that time and energy into trying to make things better for yourself.

As I said above, I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings; but I am a little frustrated at a lot of what I read elsewhere and I needed to vent a bit.

- M

Why Do I Cry?

Why do I cry?

I cry because people take advantage of my kindness and generosity, and I let them do it.

I cry because people are mean and hateful to me, and I let them do it.

I cry because people that I care about often don't reciprocate, and I let them do it.

I cry because so many suffer so needlessly, and I can't fix it all.

I cry because I see so much sadness and hate in the world, and I can't make it all go away.

I cry because I care, and I will ALWAYS do that.

But most of all I cry because I'm happy that I have the most wonderful and caring wife in the world and because of her all of those other tears become bearable.  J, you mean everything to me and I will be grateful for all eternity that you are my wife and partner.  I love you.  <3

- M

Random Thoughts - 03.01.2014

Didn't really have anything specific to talk about/vent about today, so it'll be one of those hodgepodge kind of posts that I seem to make every so often.

First off, today marks two weeks post-Orchiectomy.  I still believe that Dr. Arnkoff did a great job.  My swelling has definitely went down, but it's still painful especially on my left side.  I may take a pain pill in the morning and/or night, but not always and no more than that.  It's mostly only uncomfortable when I'm on my feet for extended periods of time, but even then not always as M and I ran some errands today and I put in about 4000-5000 steps (per my phone, a Galaxy S4 which is semi-accurate from what I can tell) and I wasn't sore at all, but upon coming home and being downstairs for a few minutes prepping dinner, I was more than a bit sore.  As far as aftercare, panties with a pad are strongly recommended.  I've only had a few little spots each day with the exception of two days ago and on that day I woke up with a quarter sized spot about where the drainage tube had been.  Hadn't seen it before that nor since that so I haven't really worried about it.  I do have a visit with my regular GP a week from Monday and I think I'll have her check on it, unless it becomes an issue before then.  I also read on Dr. Meltzer's site that he recommended moisturizing that area which we've started doing.  I do want to keep it in good shape as I do want SRS/GRS at some point.  I also read that he suggests to minimize the activity for at least 2 weeks and not return to full activity for 4 weeks - now maybe I'm not quoting that accurately, but that was more or less the implication.  That's a little stressful as my weight has stagnated so I'd like to be back on the treadmill, but J and I have discussed that and we're going to take that day by day, but for now I'm staying off of it.

On the subject of weight, I picked up J and I (and M) FitBit One's today.  I'm not sure how much M will use hers, but I believe J and I will get a lot of use out of it.  I also picked up a Fitbit Aria scale too.  All of the devices sync to Fitbit.com and more importantly for me Loseit.com since that's where J has me tracking my calories and such.  I need to speak with my GP about if I should be classified as "M or F" as that has a significant impact on calories per day.  As of now I've got it set as "F" and it's ball parking me around 1500 calories a day which is a system shock for me.  Now the 1500 calories is to let me lose 2lbs per week as a pound equals roughly 3500 calories, so two pounds is 7000 calories, which is 1000 calories daily.  A couple of years ago M and I did the HCG diet for a while and that was 500 calories per day but it had the spray which seemed to help (or maybe it was in my head) and that worked; but I couldn't keep the weight off.  Doing it my way this time I've kept the 30+ pounds off, I'm just stuck more or less where I'm at and that's not good enough.

I'm not sure who I'd go to for SRS/GRS, initially Dr. Bowers was my choice, but her wait seems exceptionally long.  I'm leaning towards Dr. Brassard in Montreal or Dr. McGinn in Pennsylvania.  Both have their pros/cons - the big difference is that if I went to Dr. Brassard I could/would go alone as their setup is conducive to that; but Dr. McGinn - well I'd need/want to take J.  The issue with Dr. McGinn is that she requires a BMI of 28 and I'm *well* above that.  I figure I need to be around 180lbs which is 80lbs under what I was a few months ago, so after losing 30lbs - well I'm still 50lbs short.

Now since J wants to go, I told her I'd agree to see Dr. McGinn (it's a tossup really anyway) *IF* she can help get me to 180lbs.  For me it would likely mean adding at least 6 months if not 12 months to a surgery date as it would be at least a few thousand more with two of us going (Dr. Brassard's cost is basically "all inclusive" per se if I go alone).  But if J can help me knock off another 50lbs it would be well worth it as my self esteem would probably sky rocket and I'd look so much nicer, so I guess we'll see.

Well that's really only two topics, but this is a page now so I guess I should let it go.  Hope everyone is doing well. :)

- M