Transitioning 101 - Laser Hair Removal

I can't speak for every Trans-woman, or really any Trans-woman other than myself, but for me one of the biggest "issues" I've had with my transition was facial and body hair.  In what I can only believe is a bit of cruel irony I have been blessed with tons and tons of hair everywhere but my head where I really want it.  I can address the lack of hair on my head easily enough with a nice wig, and I've done so with several different ones over the years.  They aren't a perfect solution and I'd much rather have my own hair, but I can live with this.  However, handling the facial and body hair hasn't been nearly as simple.

There are many ways to handle hair, in the short term that might include shaving, waxing, depilatory creams, and so on.  However, for the most part long term hair removal is generally the goal and that leaves two real options:  Laser Hair Removal (LHR) and Electrolysis.  Both of them have their pros and cons and but the focus here will be on LHR since that's what this topic is about - mainly because that's the route I initially chose and am still pursuing (though I may be moving to Electrolysis on my face soon).

Now before I get into LHR, let me say one thing.  Quite a bit of what I write about in general tends to be "Your Mileage May Vary" (YMMV).  The same can be said for a great many things in life, but when it comes to transitioning, it seems to me to be even more common.  Well, I believe that LHR falls at the far end of the YMMV spectrum.  I believe a large portion of that is a result of there being so many variables in play.  Among them would be skin tone, hair color, amount of hair in the treatment area, type of laser used, skill of the technician, HRT, and on and on.  So while I tend to say it a lot, it goes double here - my experiences are simply my experiences - anyone else's experience will almost certainly be different.  Maybe better, maybe worse, but in all likelihood different.

So lets touch on a couple of the pros and cons of LHR first:

• Pro - can treat large areas fairly quickly, especially compared to electrolysis which is a hair by hair process.
• Con - generally isn't considered "permanent hair removal", but rather "permanent hair reduction" - though many people believe the former statement over the latter.
• Pro - unlike electrolysis, laser doesn't require multiple days of growth for treatment - in fact normally the cleaner shaven the better.  
• Con - laser works best with certain hair/skin combinations.  Now, it's my understanding that some of the newer lasers can handle lighter hair and such; but in those cases the effectiveness may suffer.

So beyond those couple of pros/cons, what else should be considered?  Well among those things, at least for most of us who are transitioning, would be cost.  From my research and experience, there tends to be a huge variance in costs when it comes to LHR.  Since my primary focus early on was the face/neck region, I'm going to use that as an my example here.  I've seen people quoting costs under $50/session to people who have paid the equivalent of several hundred dollars a session.  For myself, the places I've dealt with including my current technician who I've been using for 2+ years now, my price has fallen in the middle to upper end of that range.  I say that because the first five sessions were a bit pricey, but the ones since then have been significantly reduced.

So what causes the disparity in those figures?  Well there are a lot of variables to that.  Obviously, among the biggest ones are location and competition.  In my case, I believe that the location has a bigger role in what I've been paying as the particular business is located in a "higher end" area and while I don't normally like to make generalizations - especially based upon appearance - frankly from the other clients that I've seen in passing, it doesn't seem that cost is necessarily an overriding concern for a great deal of them.  I have found other options that were cheaper and in fact tried one of them, but I wasn't happy with a lot of things and only did one session at each, before settling on my current provider.

Additionally, often those extremely low figures are the result of things such as using a Groupon (and note I said "often" not "always") and/or securing a "package" of sessions which often needs to be paid for up front (again I said "often" not "always"); or even something as simple as a bit of haggling - especially if there is competition around.  However, paying for a "package" of sessions is no guarantee that you'll get a "great price", so you'll definitely want to shop around.  For me personally I prefer to "pay as I go" so the place I'm currently using works great for me in that respect.  There are other concerns such as the type of laser, the technician who will be performing the service, and even your comfort level with the location itself.  So while cost will be a factor for most of us, is should not be the "only factor" as with almost anything there is a possibility of things going wrong with LHR.

Another consideration, especially for those that are full-time, is scheduling.  I know plenty of people who walk out of a LHR session and basically look as good as they did when they went in.  Myself on the other hand, well my face shows some wear and tear for at least a couple of days.  In a pinch I can put something my GP prescribed on it afterwards and be makeup ready the next day - and I've done so a couple of times when I've had appointments the following day, but when possible I try and let things work themselves out.  In fact after this past Wednesday session, I held off until this morning (Sunday) before I put on any makeup.  I probably could have worn it prior to today, but my face was a bit rough up through yesterday so I went ahead and held off since I didn't need to go anywhere.  If I had a customer facing job I'd probably look to schedule my appointments for Friday/Saturday to give myself a couple of days to get over the session versus early/middle of the week as I often do now.

Speaking of appointments, as I mentioned in the pros/cons, every LHR place I've dealt with wants as clean a shave as possible.  Now, I always believed that was the case everywhere; though recently I ran across a couple of people that insist that their technicians do want some sort of growth.  I'm not quite sure I understand why they would, but I'm not going to say they or their technician are wrong - it's just not been my experience.  The reason I mention this is that back when I started I could shave in the morning and have 5 o'clock shadow by noon.  So if I would have been scheduling my appointments in the evening I would have had to have re-shaved before going or my technician would have done it.  During my search, I ran across some LHR places that if they had to shave the treatment area they would charge a fee for their time; though most of those places did exempt the face from that; however, it is something to perhaps inquire about when looking around.

As far as the actual process, I won't really delve into that.  I've touched on it in other posts here and it's obviously going to differ for everyone.  However, I do want to make a few points based upon my experiences and questions I've seen elsewhere.  I'm going to do this in sort of a Q&A format as I did with some of the other posts in this series.  And again, these are my experiences, YMMV.

• Does it hurt?
  
  While I've ran across people that maintain it doesn't hurt at all.  *I* on the other hand think it hurts *a lot*.  So why the disparity?  Perhaps they have a higher pain tolerance than I do.  Perhaps it's the amount of hair I have versus them.  Perhaps it's other reasons.  I can't say for sure; but I can say that it's painful to me.  As to how painful, it varies for me by session and even within a session.  I'm at the point now where it doesn't really hurt at all on my cheeks, it's a touch painful on *parts* of my jawline, and it's still very painful on my upper lip area.  Now that's for my face.  I'm also started having my "private parts" done a couple of sessions ago and that's a different experience.  Much to my surprise that really doesn't hardly hurt at all.  It's a bit of a different process and in reality the only pain I've had has came from two things.  The first being when the laser suctions in the skin to zap, it's pinched a bit; though this last go around we did a better job and that wasn't really an issue.  So the only real pain is the zap or two down around the bottom of the area she's doing.  Once she gets that far down she has to switch back to the non-suction method and use something that just zaps like she does on my face (and no it's not the same piece she uses on my face).  Well that zap or two down there is probably more painful than anything on my face, but thankfully it's the last zap or two of the session.

• What can I do about the pain?
  
  Well, after my first face/neck session, I started opting for the Lidocaine numbing cream for my face and that helps; sometimes more than others.  I also take a couple of Ibuprofen beforehand if I think about it which seems to help as well.  I know others have had prescriptions written for pain killers and I'm sure those help as well; though I can't comment personally on that.  My technician keeps a set of stress balls as well as a set of those hand squeezy things around - I usually opt for the stress balls and sometimes those are really helpful.  For me the biggest help is actually when I'm in a nice calm state of mind rather than being stressed about things.  So when I'm in the "holding room" waiting for the Lidocaine to take effect I try and listen to some calming music and relax rather than thinking about all the things I have to do the rest of the day or anything else that might stress me.  To each their own, but that helps me.

• How many sessions will it take?
  
  Truthfully I don't believe anyone can give you an answer to that with 100% certainty.  I've seen lots of people that say 5 (or less), I've seen plenty that say in the 6-10 range, and some even more than that.  For me I'm around 15 for my face (give or take 1), and now 3 for my other area.  Now I don't want to scare people off with that 15 figure; as I believe there are several things that have factored into that; though those are better discussed in a different post than here.  I will say that I probably could have moved to electrolysis a few sessions ago; though I do have my reasons for not doing so as of yet.  That being said, I do believe that anyone who says it will take exactly "x" sessions should be taken with a (rather large) grain of salt.

• I need/want to have my "private parts" done, how can I deal with showing them to someone?
  
  I'm the first to admit that I don't have a whole lot of dysphoria at all, much less about what "equipment" I currently have.  That being said, I definitely understand where the question comes from.  For me, it was actually more stressful broaching the subject with my LHR tech than it has been actually having the process done.  But even with that being the case I won't say it doesn't bother me at least a little to have the procedure done.  Now I realize I don't technically have to as many SRS surgeons don't require it, but the ones I've seriously looked at do recommend it; so I see this as something that needs to happen and while it is a touch uncomfortable for me, it's simply another check box to mark off so I deal with it.  Regardless of that my technician is wonderful, and frankly I'm pretty sure she's seen it all.  I can't/won't tell anyone else how to handle their business, but I will say that sometimes we simply have to do things that we may not like in order to accomplish what we want and I see this as one of those things.  If you really and truly cannot bring yourself to have LHR or electrolysis down there, then perhaps you can opt for a surgeon who doesn't need/want that done; but if your surgeon does recommend or require it, then - well it is what it is.

• What about those home lasers, can I use those?
  
  Of course you can use them; however their effectiveness is questionable at best.  There are people that swear by how wonderful they are; but the general consensus is that they are not nearly powerful enough to accomplish what a professional LHR technician can do.  Additionally there are many reports of poor experiences, including burns, with some of these devices.  So while the price may make them seem attractive, I would advise thinking carefully before investing in one of them.

I guess I should wrap this up, it's went on far longer than I intended.  As always dissenting viewpoints are welcome; I realize that this topic lends itself to that even more than most of my posts.  Either way these are my thoughts and experiences when it comes to LHR.  As always thanks for reading.

- M

Some Of My Favorite Recipes - Part 3...

Well, it's been a long while (too long) since I've done one of these posts so I'm going to rectify that now.  Over time things have changed a bit, for example I like to think I'm better in the kitchen than I was.  I've learned how to better prepare food, I've gotten better with meal planning - by that I mean things like buying larger amounts of say beef or chicken and being able to make 2-3 meals out of it which is usually far more economical, and so on.  I also believe I now do a better job of picking out recipes that J/M/etc are likely to enjoy which I feel is important.  My thought on that is that no matter how well I may prepare something, if it's not something they are going to enjoy I've wasted my time.  I'm not saying they like everything I make, or that I make every dish as well as it could be made, but I think it's gotten better.

The other thing I've done the last few months is to find some cooking blogs that I enjoy, none more than Ree Drummond's "The Pioneer Woman".  I hadn't set out to find any cooking blogs, but after seeing her show on Food Network a couple of times by accident, and liking what I saw her make I decided to learn more.  Maybe it's this way for everyone on Food Network, but it really seems like people either *really like* her, or they *really dislike* her - I fall into the former category.  I think the main reason is how and what she cooks.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy watching people make complicated and fancy things, but reality for me is that I'd rather watch somebody cook things that I can make myself reasonably well.  I don't feel the need to make my own pasta from scratch, or cure my own bacon.  I'm sure that for the people that do these kinds of things, their end product may be better than mine, but I don't think it's enough better to justify the time that it would take away from other things.

I'm not saying all her recipes are things I'd make, or that I always follow her recipes to the letter - I don't.  But I am saying she has quite a few that have worked well for me and that J/M/etc have really liked.  And the fact that I can watch her prepare them versus simply reading a recipe and instructions is something that goes a long way with me.  So with that being said, here's a few of my favorite "Pioneer Woman recipes".

As I've done in the past, I've included the original links, any modifications I've made, and some thoughts on each.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Grilled Ribeye Steak with Onion/Blue Cheese Sauce

The original recipe that I got came from HERE.

This is something that I only make for J and myself since the rest of the crowd here aren't onion fans and won't touch blue cheese.

Recipe Modifications:

None - this is great "as-is".

Thoughts:

I've made this a few times, the one "issue" I had is when the store only had "thin" Rib-Eye's.  I should have went somewhere else and gotten regular sized ones or chosen a different cut of meat as the thin steaks just didn't work as well.  However, that's my fault and not an issue with the recipe.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Skillet Cookie Sundae

The original recipe that I got came from HERE.

I actually bought my first cast iron skillet (and shortly thereafter a second larger one) to try this recipe and it did NOT disappoint.  One of my "go to" desserts these days..

Recipe Modifications:

• I'm not a coffee person and even though J/M are, they use a Keurig so we don't keep instant coffee around, therefore I've never used that when making this.
• I also vary the chocolate chips that I use, sometimes it's all semi-sweet, sometimes I'll put in some dark chocolate chips, basically whatever I have sitting around that looks good.

Thoughts:

Tastes great and is easy to make.  What more could you want in a dessert?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Crash Hot Potatoes

The original recipe that I got came from HERE.  However, the original credit would appear to go to Jill Dupleix.

Recipe Modifications:

• Sometimes, right before the potatoes are completely finished I will pull them out and sprinkle on some freshly grated cheese and/or add some chopped bacon; but even without either/both of these they are great.  If I do add these, I will tend to use the broiler for a couple of minutes to finish them off.
• While I do prefer to use the New Potatoes as per the recipe, I've made them with several types of potatoes and they've always come out very good.

Thoughts:

As I mentioned above, we all love cheese and bacon, so I do often add those things.  But with or without those additions, this is a side dish that everybody here likes and that's an extremely rare occurrence.  Definitely a "go to" side dish.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Twice Baked Potato Casserole 

The original recipe that I got came form HERE.

This was my first "Pioneer Woman recipe" and it's among my favorites.  Truthfully I was never a twice baked potato fan, but watching her make these they looked so good I had to try them and we all love them.  Just beware, this recipe makes *a lot* of potatoes, you may want to half it, or even quarter it, just saying.

Recipe Modifications:

• As mentioned above, I often half this recipe.
• On occasion I may add a layer of bread crumbs or a 50/50 mix of bread crumbs and panko to the top to give it a little crunch.
• Once of twice I've swapped out half the sour cream for some ricotta cheese.  Personally I like it better that way, but it really depends upon what I have in the house at the time.

Thoughts:

An exceptional side dish; and one I probably like better than the aforementioned "Crash Hot Potatoes" above.  However, it is far more labor intensive than those, so I don't make it as often, and as has been mentioned the original recipe makes potatoes for a small army so keep that in mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

With that I'll wrap this post up.  As always, tastes differ, but I would have no qualms recommending any of these recipes as they are all exceptional.  I wish I had better pictures, I have tried to get photos of things I've made, but for whatever reason most of these things didn't get pictures.  I do have one of the Grilled Ribeye with the Onion/Blue Cheese Sauce from above - it's not a great photo, but it'll have to do. :)

- M

Transitioning 101 - Therapy

In my last "Transitioning 101" post, I touched on HRT; and one of the routes to obtain HRT involves following the WPATH Standards Of Care (SOC) which involves obtaining a letter from a qualified mental health professional - which is generally a licensed therapist.

As I touched on in that prior post, this is the route I chose to take.  I chose that route mainly because I did (and still do) want to have SRS at some point and to my knowledge no surgeon - at least no reputable one - will perform SRS without following the WPATH SOC.  Now this alone did not preclude me from going one of the other two routes for HRT and then later dealing with obtaining the requisite letters for SRS, I felt if I was going to have to do so at some point anyway, well I might as well follow the SOC from the beginning.

Now my personal thoughts on therapy are no secret to anyone who's read much of this blog; but for those that haven't let me briefly touch on them.  I was never a believer in therapy for much of anything.  Maybe it's just me, maybe it's the way I was brought up, but whatever the reason(s) were for that I was a firm believer in handling your own issues and as such I felt that therapy was not only a waste of time/money, but also something that only "weak" people did.  So while I did make the decision, in conjunction with my wife J, to pursue therapy for the purpose of obtaining an recommendation letter for HRT, I wasn't overly enthusiastic about what that would entail.

That all being said, if you asked me today how I feel about therapy, the answer I'd give you would be 180 degrees from what it would've been before my transition.  I firmly believe that choosing to go that route was the right decision for me, and I no longer feel that therapy is a waste of time/money or that it's only for "weak" people.  I'm not saying it's for everybody, but I do think that for many who transition, the right therapist can be incredibly helpful.

Now, initially I was going to discuss my specific experiences with therapy and with my therapist, but I actually wrote a post about that a bit over a year ago.  For those that are interested in some "specifics" - like I was way back when - that post is HERE.  For those that don't really care about my specific experiences, which is probably most of you, I'm going to touch on a few points that I think are important and then wrap this up.  So in no particular order, here are some things that I feel are important when it comes to selecting a therapist, and therapy itself.  As always, these are simply my feelings and you may feel differently.

• Finding the right therapist is crucial in my opinion.  This is something that I struggled with as I couldn't find any that were reasonably close that seemed to be experienced with gender issues.  Eventually I expanded my search area and ran across several.  Now, me being me, I've always had a preference for dealing with women in general.  It doesn't matter what the context is, I'm just more comfortable around women and always have been so I immediately narrowed things down to female therapists.  I'm not saying that anyone else should or shouldn't do that specifically, but what I am saying is that it's important to be comfortable with your therapist and in my case I felt I'd be more comfortable dealing with a woman.  

• If per chance you don't mesh with your therapist, don't hesitate to move on.  I'm not saying you should ditch a therapist just because they might ask difficult questions or something; but if the therapist isn't right for you for whatever reason, talk to them about it and if things can't be worked out - well there are plenty of other therapists out there.

• Be open and honest with your therapist.  A good therapist isn't there to judge, they are there to listen and help you work through the things YOU want to work through.  I believe a good therapist will ask questions, maybe to fill in "blanks", maybe to flesh out things you've said, or maybe even to move things forward.  But regardless of the "why", a good therapist will have good reason(s) for those questions and by being open and honest you can only help yourself.  Now, I'm not saying that perhaps you might have thing(s) that you consider "off limits" for one reason or another and that's okay.  You shouldn't be afraid to do that; though I do believe that the more open you are and the more you are able to share, the more successful therapy can be.  

• Therapy isn't a "cookie cutter" solution.  If I had a dollar for every time I've seen a question on Reddit or elsewhere about "how long did it take to get a letter", I'd probably be retired by now.  Personally, I've ran across some people who got a letter after one visit, others who have been in therapy for a significant amount of time and are still working towards a letter, and plenty who fall in between.  I do think that if a letter is one of your goals from therapy that you should discuss that with your therapist early on.  In my case, I mentioned it when I was looking for a therapist as I wanted to be sure the one I chose was versed in writing them, and we discussed it at my first session as well.  

• Assuming that they are willing, and your therapist is as well, don't be afraid to involve those key people in your life in your with your therapy.  I've had my wife J along a few times and my "sister" M and my daughter P along once as well.  The first time each of them went with me, my therapist spoke to me alone first to see if there was anything that I considered "off limits" (there wasn't) and then spent some time alone with each of them, then we spent the last few minutes in there together.  Not everyone may want to do this, and I'm not saying it's crucial by any means; but I do feel it was helpful.  

• Just because a therapist doesn't offer to write a letter for HRT within the first five minutes of the initial session; or they ask questions that may require thought on your part; or a lot of other things - well that does not make them a "Gatekeeper".  All too often I see people tossing that phrase out indiscriminately and that's wrong.  Hey, I'm not saying that any given therapist or other professional isn't a "Gatekeeper" (though I really do dislike that word in general); but just because things aren't happening exactly how you envision them doesn't make them guilty of gatekeeping.  If you're only there for a letter and nothing else, then make the effort to find a therapist to "pencil whip" you a letter.  Don't head to a legitimate gender therapist and then badmouth them just because they actually expect you to make an effort.

Compared to the other posts in this series, this one is really more subjective than those.  As I said above, I'm sure that therapy isn't for everyone, though it's been great for me.  With that, it's getting late so I'm going to wrap this up.  Have a great weekend everybody and for those that celebrate it, a great Memorial Day as well.

- M

Transitioning 101 - HRT

For the vast majority of those who have or who plan to transition, Hormone Replacement Therapy or HRT for short, is an important goal and as such I felt it a good subject to add to this little series of posts.  For those that aren't familiar with what HRT is, there are tons of sites on the Internet that can explain it far better than I ever could here; but in simple terms for someone like myself who is a MtF it basically comes down to taking medication to suppress the testosterone that my bodily naturally produced while also introducing Estrogen (and in some cases other things) into my system.  As I said that's a very simplistic view of HRT and only from a MtF perspective, but for my purposes here I believe it will suffice.  As I only have experience from the MtF perspective this post will focus on that, though those going through a FtM transition also can undertake HRT as well with the focus on introducing testosterone into their systems.

Basically there are three ways to obtain HRT for the purpose of transitioning:

• Via the WPATH Standards Of Care (SOC).  This entails following the process that is outlined in the WPATH SOC which normally means obtaining an authorization letter from an appropriate mental health professional as a first step.  Upon obtaining that letter, the next step would be a visit to a medical professional, who can prescribe the appropriate medications and monitor the patients blood work at regular intervals.  This is generally done by an Endocrinologist, though other types of Doctors can do it such as in my case where a GP handles mine.

• Via "Informed Consent (IC)".  This process does not require following the WPATH SOC, instead it relies upon the individual to acknowledge the potential risks/benefits of the treatment.  As such it does not require any authorization from a mental health professional.  Rather it only requires a medical professional who is willing to follow the IC model.  Beyond that the process is generally the same, they prescribe appropriate medications and monitor blood work in generally the same manner as above.

• Via Self-Medication (DIY).  This process generally does not rely on medical professionals at all; though some will have their blood work done either independently or via their GP or other medical professional.  It does rely on obtaining the desired medication without a prescription which generally means having to order it from somewhere outside of the United States.  As a side note, it's my *understanding* that this isn't really an option for FtM transitioners (at least in the United States) as Testosterone is a controlled substance.

Each of these methods has their supporters as well as their detractors.  When I first was thinking about transitioning I looked into HRT quite a bit as it was something I wasn't very familiar with.  I gave each of those options plenty of thought and consideration.  For me personally I settled on the first (WPATH SOC) option above for reasons I'll get to later; but for now I thought I'd share my initial thoughts on each.  Please keep in mind that the thoughts below are *my own personal thoughts* - as best as I can recall them from nearly three years ago.  I'm not saying my thoughts are right for everybody, or even anybody, but they are what I thought at the time.

• The WPATH SOC route.  My first thoughts on this were that I didn't like it.  I'd never really been a proponent of "therapy" - I was raised to "handle my own problems" - so that was an immediate turn off.  Further more I wasn't really keen on having to justify myself to someone to be able to start HRT.  However, since I knew I did want to pursue SRS at some point and there were no surgeons (at least none that I can find) that would perform that without following the WPATH SOC, I felt that going this route for HRT might be beneficial.

• The IC route.  This actually held the most appeal to me; however, finding a Doctor who would do HRT via IC in this area did not seem like an easy task.  I did search a fair amount and the closest I came up with was several hours away in another state.  Additionally based upon my desire for SRS that I mentioned above, it made this option less attractive to me than the WPATH route.

• The DIY route.  The truth is that I never seriously considered this.  I saw many people who swore by it, no therapists to deal with, often no Doctors to deal with, and so on.  However, I also saw plenty of people having trouble getting and/or refilling their medications; and the fact that I was on other medicines further concerned me.  I never really gave this option serious consideration.

I put a lot of thought into those options and talked them over quite a bit with J as well.  We finally decided that since I did want to pursue SRS that the WPATH SOC option was what I should pursue.

Looking back nearly three years from when I made that decision I don't have a problem with the one I chose as I do still want SRS, though the timetable for that has been pushed back a bit further than we initially thought for various reasons.  And despite my prior aversion to therapy, I've been quite happy with the therapist I've chosen and I believe that was beneficial to me for many reasons.  I do now also believe that I could have been successful on the IC route.  However, I still think my decision was right for *ME* as like I said I'm happy with my therapist and I'm incredibly happy with the Doctor supervising my HRT and had if I had gone the IC route I wouldn't be dealing with either of them - not to mention the distance I'd have to travel to have arranged that.  I also still stand by the fact that I feel DIY was not for me.  I'm not going to disparage it, as for some it's their best and/or only option; though I do recommend for those that go the DIY route that if at all possible they still get their blood work checked as while they appear to be rare, there are potential issues with HRT.  This is a fact that I'm painfully aware of as even though my blood work is regularly monitored I did spend time in an emergency room and subsequently the hospital with an issue that was related to my HRT (though there were other medications that also contributed to things).

With that out of the way I'm going to talk about the medications I'm personally familiar with:

• Spironolactone - Which was used to reduce my testosterone levels.

• Estradiol - Which was used to increase my estrogen levels.

• Progesterone - Which in theory *may* help with breast development

I was on Spironolactone for approximately 15 months, starting at 50mg and ending at 200mg.  I say ending as once I had my Orchiectomy I no longer needed to take the medication.  I am still currently taking Estradiol and because of the aforementioned procedure (not to mention when I finally have SRS) I will do so indefinitely.  For the Estradiol I've been on it 29 months now.  I was started on 2mg, and worked up to my current 6mg; though pending my next blood work and visit with my HRT Doctor we may adjust that down to 4mg as my levels were a little higher than she would like at my last visit.  The last medication I listed - Progesterone - is something that I've only been on for the last 3 months.  I had read about it but as my Doctor had never brought it up and I hadn't found any conclusive data one way or the other on it's effectiveness, I had not broached it myself.  However, at my last visit in February, she did offer to put me on it and I decided to give it a try to see what (if anything) it might do for my breasts.  My dosage is 5mg, though unlike the other medications I've mentioned, that's not daily.  I'm currently on a 10 day on, 20 day off, cycle with it.  Now the medicines I'm on, much less their dosages may well likely vary from whatever anyone reading this may be on.  HRT is not a cookie cutter process.  There are lots of things that factor into it and plenty of different ways to handle it.  So anyone/everyone else's mileage may definitely vary.  Additionally, my initial dosages may seem overly low, and for many they are.  My HRT Doctor elected to start me on HRT at my first visit, but we agreed that we'd start with those low dosages to see how my body reacted, especially considering my other medications.  At my next visit (3 months later) after confirming my blood work looked good, my dosages were upped (100mg Spironolactone / 3mg Estradiol) and then later on they were upped again (200mg/4mg) and finally to (200mg/6mg).

That being said I thought I'd share some observations on each medication I've used.  Again, these are simply *my* observations, nothing more.  Each person's experience may well differ.

• Spironolactone (Spiro going forward as I'm tired of typing the whole name) - The dosages I was on - at least once I hit the 3 month mark of HRT and my initial dosages were upped - well they did the trick.  The "issue" I had with it was simply the fact that Spiro is a diuretic and considering I was already on a diuretic for my blood pressure, I spent *a lot* of time in the bathroom.  As such I was careful as to when I took it as I didn't want to be out shopping and have to make constant restroom stops, especially since at the time I wasn't really comfortable in the ladies room yet.  And yes I did broach the fact that perhaps I didn't need the blood pressure diuretic since I was on the Spiro, but my HRT Doctor really didn't want to pull me off of something she didn't prescribe in the first place; and my regular GP felt that they were enough different that I should stay on both.  Eventually I actually did end up off of both as I no longer needed Spiro, and after my aforementioned ER/Hospital visit it was determined that my blood pressure was under enough control that I no longer needed to be on that medication either.

• Estradiol - I didn't see many visible changes at the 2mg dosage; though perhaps part of that was that my Spiro dosage was also low at the time.  However, as the dosages went up I did start seeing changes such as breast growth, skin softening, and my body hair thinned out.  I haven't really seen much fat redistribution - perhaps it's my age, perhaps it's the fact that I've been actively losing weight, I don't know, but it's not the end of the world.  I will note that originally I simply swallowed the pills, but at some point - probably around the 4mg dosage - I started dissolving the pills under my tongue (sublingual) in lieu of swallowing them.  I have no way of knowing if this had any impact on the changes I noticed or if it was simply the dosage change; but either way I was happy with the way things going so I continue to take the medicine in that manner.

• Progesterone - This is a tough one to quantify as I've only been on it for three cycles.  I will say that J calls them my "c*nt pills" as she says they make me incredibly moody.  I personally don't see it, so I'm not sure if it's coincidence, if she's exaggerating, or if it's true as I have read accounts that back the moodiness up.  As far as results go, I do believe it is helping, but what I'm seeing may well be "in my mind" or even if things have improved with regards to my breast development, perhaps it's simply the Estradiol, I have no real way of knowing as of now.  Pending my next visit (which is actually today), I would like to continue on this medication for at least another three month set of cycles to see what happens.  

So that's my "experience" with HRT and the particular medications I'm on or have been on.  With that being said I do want to reiterate something that I actually dedicated a topic (well "half a topic") to on last February.  Specifically, about HRT NOT being "Magic".  What's below is an excerpt from that post that I still believe to be relevant some 15 months later:

That brings me to HRT.  Am I glad I'm on it?  By all means.  Have I seen the progress that some have?  Not even close.  Yes I've seen some progress, I have some breast growth, my skin is softer, and so on; but it hasn't done for me what it does for some.  However, even if it had - it's not some magic thing that will suddenly make you feel better.  HRT can make all the changes in the world, but if you don't work on your appearance, your voice, your mannerisms, etc., you still won't pass any better than you did pre-HRT.  And from a mental perspective you may feel better in that you're actually pursuing transition which may make you feel better mentally and possibly emotionally I suppose.  But again if you are making statements to the effect that if I can't get on HRT NOW I might end my life - well then I question if you really belong on HRT in the first place.  If you're in that kind of mental state, I just don't know that bringing hormones to the party is the right thing to do.  It especially bothers me when very young people make those kinds of statements - yes I understand that the younger you start the more changes you MAY see.  But I've seen plenty of older people who have done just fine.  I like to think my transition is going well and I'm in my 40's.  

There was more to the post than what is above - the full post is HERE for those that care, but the point I wanted to make is that while I do believe that HRT is an important component to transition, it is simply a component.  There are many other things that contribute to how successful (or not) a transition is.  I see far too many people that seem to honestly believe that they are going to get on HRT and suddenly everything will be rainbows and unicorns for them.  To paraphrase a commercial - "that's not how this works, that's not how any of this works".  And while I believe there are exceptions to what I'm about to say, I feel for the most part it's accurate.  A lot of people that do believe that HRT is the end-all, be-all, to their transition point to "transition timelines" that have been posted to make their point.  What I feel they are missing is that the vast majority of those timelines are NOT an apples to apples comparison.  There are often differences (and these mostly apply for MtF transitioners) such as:

• Lighting and angle of the photo - usually it's better in the later photos.

• Makeup.  It may be non-existent in the original/early photo(s), and it may be present in the later photos.  And even if it is present early on, it's often more expertly applied in the later photos.

• Hair.  Often hair has been grown/cut and/or styled in a more feminine way, or in the case of people such as myself the before was a balding photo and the after is a wig.

• Eyebrows.  This can be a big one as often in early photos eyebrows are unkept, bushy, etc.  In later photos they often have been waxed or threaded and generally look nicer.  It's amazing how much impact something as seemingly minor as eyebrows can make on a photo.

• Clothing.  Often there is a significant difference in the outfits in the early versus later photos and again this can make a huge difference.

I don't think I've ever seen a set of before/after photos that showed "huge" changes that didn't include one or more of the above points.  I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm sure there are "exceptions" out there, likely those who started HRT *very early*, but for most of us I don't believe that to be the case.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer in HRT, but only as a *part* of a transition and not as the one single key thing - I don't believe there is one single key thing that makes or breaks a transition, but that's simply my opinion.

With that I think I'll wrap up, I've got to get ready to go see my HRT Doctor, the appointment is still a few hours away, but to quote Baymax from Big Hero 6 - "I am not fast".  Plus she's 90 minutes from here so I need to get going.  

- M

Transitioning 101 - Clothing

Of all the posts so far in this little "Transitioning 101" series, this is probably a topic I've never really directly written on before.  Don't get me wrong, I've touched on it here and there as part of other topics, but it's never really gotten it's own so I thought now would be a good time to rectify that.

Now before I go on, the standard disclaimer and then some.  These are simply my thoughts and opinions on the topic, nothing more, nothing less.  What you may believe or may have experienced may or may not be similar - it may even be completely different.  And that's okay, each of us will have our own unique experiences, those are what helps make us who we are.  But on top of that let me say I'm by no means a fashion expert.  Not that I'm saying I'm an expert on anything I ever write here, but even less so on this subject as I still struggle with my "fashion sense" even more than my makeup, or anything else.  Lastly, as with the majority of my posts, especially in this little series, I tend to talk mostly from a MtF viewpoint.  That's not to minimize the FtM transtioners, or anyone else, but rather simply because that's what I've experienced.  

• Dress to make YOURSELF happy first and foremost.  This is the one thing that I really feel matters the most - and definitely far above anything else that I can say here.  Personally for me, I love what many people would call "girly" things - skirts, dresses, heels, makeup, etc.  But, plenty of women - both cis and trans - are just as comfortable on the complete other end of the spectrum and everywhere in between.  That being said, one of the things that I feel I have learned over time is that I can in fact dress "how I want".  So what do I mean by that?  Well, as I said, I do love those traditional "girly" things, but early on in my transition I felt like I *had* to wear those things to show others I was in fact a woman.  But the reality is that, the clothes don't make the woman - despite what a great deal of companies and people may want us to think.  *I* am a woman regardless of what I chose to wear.  So I still wear the skirts, dresses, heels, makeup, etc., when *I* choose to; but I've gotten just as comfortable going out sans makeup or in a pair of jeans and the first top I grab from the closet.  Now as important as I believe this to be, I do have a couple of caveats to it, which I'll touch on in the next couple of bullet points.

• Consider your environment, at least if blending in is your goal.  This may seem to run counter to the above point, but actually I feel they go together.  Blending in - or "passing" as many say - consists of a great many things, attire being one of them.  For those that don't care about blending in, then the above point stands as-is.  However, I believe that if blending in is more of a priority then you need to consider where you are going, and just as importantly - "when" you are going.  The example I tend to use throughout this blog is the grocery store.  I can only speak to my own experiences, but if I were to make a composite of the women I see in the grocery shopping during the day at the stores around me, it would be little to no makeup, flats, and comfortable clothes - basically what I refer to as the "Soccer Mom look".  Are there exceptions?  Yes, lots of them.  If I go to grocery stores by J's parents for example (a more upscale area), then I tend to see more makeup and the clothing is definitely "dressier".  The "when" also comes into play here, I normally go during the day - usually on my "lunch" since it's convenient for me - but if I happen to go around 5-6pm, I tend to see more women that are probably on their way home from work and I will see more makeup and nicer outfits, and even some heels.  So where does all of this tie into blending in?  Well, if I were to head to the store now ("noon-ish") in a dress and heels with my typical makeup on, I'd stand out compared to the vast majority of women shopping and I'd draw more attention to myself.  I'm not saying that's bad, there are times it's nice to be noticed, but that attention does come at a price and that price is that people are more likely to "read me".  At this point, I really don't care if I get read or not, it's not like the majority of the employees at the stores I tend to frequent haven't seen me enough to already know, and the customers - well who cares - at least in this environment.  But for many, including me at one point, getting read is a real downer, and by dressing for the environment you're going to be in, you should at least be able to minimize the odds of that happening.  Of course there is the flip side to this as well.  If I were going out on a Friday night to an upscale restaurant and/or movie, and I chose the aforementioned "Soccer Mom look" - I'd stand out as well.  So as I said above, dress to make yourself happy, but if blending in is important to you, then consider that fact when deciding what will in fact make you happy.

• Dress your age, again at least if blending in is your goal.  When I started my transition, one of the first things I did, along with J and M, was to evaluate my wardrobe.  Unlike many who transition, I had a good head start with clothes as I had been cross-dressing for a long time.  However, much to my chagrin these days, the majority of that wardrobe was what I'd call "Kelly Bundy-esque" (for those that were "Married With Children" fans - here's some examples of what I mean).  Not that there is anything wrong with what she wore or what was in my closet in and of itself; but what was wrong was that I wasn't a teenager and didn't have the body she had.  I was in my 40's and overweight and truthfully those outfits were not flattering.  Had if I had tried to go out and blend in wearing those clothes I would have immediately been perceived as "a guy in a dress" and not as a woman.  I'm not saying there is necessarily anything wrong with that, but for me - especially at the time - blending in WAS important to me, so I needed to evaluate my wardrobe and make some changes.  I know this point may hit a nerve with some who are transitioning, and that's not my intent.  As I said in the first point, you should dress to be happy, but I do believe that the reality is that if you choose to dress too far below your age, or even too far above your age, you are going to greatly decrease the odds that you will blend in.  If you are fine with that, then by all means go for it; but if blending in is important to you I feel this is an important consideration.

• Learn to layer.  I've always tended to be an overly warm person, I could easily sweat in khaki's and a polo, so I avoided excess clothing such as undershirts, sweaters, etc.  J, M, and I often had thermostat wars around the house and even worse in the car - I'd always be turning the air conditioner up or the heater down - and telling them they could put on more clothes if need be.  Well, over the last couple of years, I've learned why they didn't want the air conditioner turned up or the heater turned down.  Women's clothes in general aren't very warm.  I don't know if it's always been that way, or if it's something that happened over the years for "fashion's sake" - but all too often I've found that even with a bra, cami, and a top, I'm still colder than I'd like to be.  I'm sure my footwear choices play into it as I don't normally wear socks or pantyhose/tights - though unlike many women it seems, I do really like pantyhose/tights; but they don't usually work well with the open toed shoes I prefer.  But even with that, it doesn't account for just how much less warm women's clothing seems to be in general.  And there is a plus that by layering you can take a few tops and greatly increase the number of outfits you have.

• Function over fashion.  As as example, I said above, I love heels and I do.  But if I'm going out shopping, especially an extended outing with J and/or M, flats or even wedges are probably a better option as I'm going to be doing a lot of walking.  Another would be if I'm going clothes shopping, as much as I love dresses, a skirt or jeans is probably better as they are easier to get on/off so I can try on clothes.  That's not to say that there aren't times for fashion - but as one of my friends says - there are heels and then there are "sit and look pretty heels" and learning which ones are which has made life much easier for me.

• Accessories go a long way.  These can be a scarf, a belt, some jewelry, etc.  Considering my body type, the belt thing doesn't work well for me, but I have a huge collection of scarfs, both infinity ones and regular ones, and they can change the look of an outfit quite a bit.  As far as jewelry goes, that's been a challenge.  I have a large neck and despite me having hands that I felt were small for a cis-male, they are larger than most cis-women so I have trouble with bracelets.  Now M managed to find a large collection of ones that do fit me at a thrift store - they were all new so I guess they were excess from an actual retail store, and I love them.  We do jokingly call them "old lady bracelets" as they do look like ones my grandmother would have worn when I was a child; but they are still reasonably age appropriate.  And despite the fact that they are lobster clasps which makes them tedious to get on/off by myself, I like them and really since most slip on bracelets won't fit me I guess I should be grateful that they are lobster clasps.  The bracelets don't do as much for my outfits as the scarves might, but they make me feel "girly", so you'll seldom see me without one - in fact any picture on this blog probably has me wearing one.

• And just as I said with makeup, just because something looks good (or bad) on someone else does not mean it will look good (or bad) on you.  Different body types lend themselves to different styles of clothing.  Now as with many of the other points that are here, by no means does that mean you cannot wear something that doesn't match your body type, etc., but if blending in is important it is something to consider.  Additionally, the right clothing can creatively emphasize, or in some cases de-emphasize, particular features.  Some examples from my own experience would be the wedge tennis shoes I mentioned above.  They serve to make my feet look smaller, especially if I wear them with jeans.  Before my orchiectomy, I found it easier to hide the telltale "bulge" with flowy skirts or dresses than I did with say jeans.  For those with a visible adam's apple - which is actually one problem I personally don't have - a scarf or turtleneck can do wonders.  So while it's nice to be "in style" sometimes, I personally believe it more important to find "your style" and work from there.

I could probably prattle on for a long time, but I think I've hit my major thoughts here and my lunch is pretty much over, so I should get back to work.  As always thanks for reading.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Staying Confident

Here we are with yet another in the ongoing "Transitioning 101" series of posts.  This post, while not the first one I've posted in the series, was in fact the first one I started on.  I actually started on it a couple of months ago after reading yet another post on ATG about "passing" - or as I like to say "blending in".

Now, obviously a lot of things go into "blending in", and many of those are plenty important, but the one thing that has always stood out for me is having "confidence".  But not only do I believe "confidence" is a huge part of being able to "blend in", I honestly believe it plays a huge role in how an overall transition plays out.  Now I'm not trying to say that lots of other things aren't important, and for those of you reading this, you may well believe other things are actually more important.  And you may well be right, but since this is my blog, I'm going to make my case for my viewpoint. :)

So how does confidence play into "blending in", or even transitioning in general?  First and foremost I believe that when it comes to blending in, that people in general see what they expect to see.  By that I mean most people don't give other people much thought - right up until the moment that you give them a reason to give you a more detailed look.  Many things can lead to that detailed look, for me for example my voice does it at times - usually when I'm not thinking about it.  But I think the biggest thing that leads to those detailed looks and scrutiny is not being confident and not "acting like you belong".  It doesn't matter if you are at the park, a restaurant, or the ladies section at your favorite store.  If you act out of place, people will notice and that will lead to their scrutiny; and I believe that during a transition that one of, if not the most common reason that people act out of place is that they lack confidence.  It may be confidence in their appearance, their voice, their mannerisms, or a myriad of other things.

For me, this manifested itself early on, ironically enough mostly when I was out with J, M, or both of them.  I tended to try and "hide in their shadows" because I was worried that I wouldn't blend in.  The thing is that in reality all I was doing was bringing attention to myself that I probably wouldn't have gotten otherwise.  As I've became more comfortable with things I not only ceased trying to "hide", but I became confident in myself and learned to act like it.  I'm not naive enough to say that I still don't get read from time to time, I know I do; but for the vast majority of the time it would appear that I don't, and even those rare occasions when I do, it usually isn't much more than a second glance and that's that.  For me, it's made things like going out to eat or shopping much more enjoyable.  Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy shopping with J and/or M, but I'm just as comfortable shopping by myself; and even when I'm out with them I don't have to have one of them chaperone me like I used to which makes things better for them and me.  Yeah, at times we may all be in the same store, or even the same section of the same store looking for not only ourselves, but also each other; but we are just as likely to all go our own ways at times.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm by no means advocating walking in somewhere and acting like you're royalty and making a scene.  What I am advocating is walking into places and acting like you belong.  Yes, it may not always go perfectly, or perhaps even well, but in my experience in the vast majority of my experiences have went well with this kind of attitude.  Not only do people tend to *see what they expect to see* as I said above, but the majority of people tend to want to avoid conflict.  As such I believe that by being confident and basically "making the first move" that it makes it far less likely to be mis-gendered or to have other issues when out and about.  I'm not trying to say this works for everyone or that somebody might not have issues, but I do feel that it significantly minimizes those occurrences.

And beyond social interactions, being confident is something I believe helps each of us personally.  Rather than picking at our own (real or perceived) imperfections, instead we can focus on the positives and I really do believe that's a good thing.

I'm going to wrap this up now, I've sort of gotten distracted and babbled a bit and probably haven't done this topic justice.  But regardless of my shortcomings in this post, I really do believe that confidence is huge and is something we should all strive for.

- M

An Open Letter To McDonald's (And A Few Other Businesses Too)...

I know I sort of did this once before; but that post was more of a catch all for several companies and this one is going to be specific to McDonald's - though there are things that plenty of other businesses could probably glean from it.  So why this topic, and why now?  Well, McDonald's has been in the news a fair amount lately and I've always taken an interest in them.

So why do I have an interest in them?  Well simply because I grew up with them.  Both of my parents spent many years working for them, my father worked for a franchisee for a lengthy time, and my mother worked for McOpCo (McDonald's Corporate stores) for a good while as well.  So not only did I grow up eating my fair share of McDonald's, but I also spent plenty of time around various stores for one reason or another, company picnics, etc.

That all being said, I have some thoughts on McDonald's "struggles" and things *I* would be pursuing to fix those struggles if *I* were in charge.  Obviously, I'm not an expert in corporate affairs, economics, or really much of anything else; these thoughts are simply coming from someone who did at one point really like the company and their products and who is now very disillusioned with them.  So without further ado, here's my thoughts on the company as it sits today.

Let's get this out of the way right now.  STOP TRYING TO BE CHIPOTLE, STARBUCKS, PANERA BREAD, etc.  Just stop it.  That's not who you are and as long as you continue to try and be those companies you will continue to struggle.  Look, I'm glad you've remodeled so many of your stores to look nicer, but the vast majority of us who would eat there are not there for the "experience".  We are there because we like your food, or it's cheap, or it's fast, or a combination of the three.  I'd rather you took the money you seem to want to spend on making yourself look like those places I mentioned and spend it on better (or cheaper) food or more staffing.

Speaking of staffing, plenty of companies struggle with that, and I've spent enough years working in hospitality (thankfully I got out years ago, but I digress) to understand how it can be difficult to adequately staff in general, much less to anticipate business accurately.  But come on, during peak periods why aren't these stores reasonably staffed?  Are you actively trying to run off business?  Especially during lunch?  Most of us can't/won't spent 10+ minutes in line or drive thru for your food - if we are going to wait that long we can go somewhere with table service instead, especially since many restaurants have lunch menus that are comparable in price to your food, and usually better quality.

And about pricing - you've fallen into the same trap as many other restaurants have (I'm talking about you White Castle, and to an extent you too Taco Bell) where you've priced yourself out of what was once your core market.  Chipotle can get away with charging nearly $10 for a burrito, but I'm sorry people don't want to pay $7-$8 (or more) for a Big Mac "Value Meal" - we don't see the "Value" in that.  Perhaps if the food was hot and fresh we might, but generally it's poorly made, often not hot or fresh, and generally a disappointment.  I'm not saying you have to sell your stuff for nothing - but plenty of businesses have been successful on lower margins because they sold so much product - you used to be one of them.  At some point you apparently decided you wanted to be one of the "cool kids" and as such charge as much as they do.  Well you're not one of those "cool kids" and rather than hiding from that, you should embrace it and get back to what made you successful.

And on that note, how about you cut about 1/2 of your menu?  Remember when you sold burgers, fries, and shakes?  I'm not saying you need to be that extreme, but your menu is simply out of hand (and hey White Castle this goes for you too).  You are trying to be everything to everybody and that's simply not reality.  I hear you're testing Kale now.  Kale?  Really?  Simplify your menu, yeah you'll upset some people, but they'll get over it.  It will improve your speed of service which will make it a better customer experience.

Since we're on the topic of pruning the menu - that McCafe stuff needs to go.  Again YOU ARE NOT STARBUCKS, so quit screwing up your operation with that mess.  Yeah I'm sure it's probably high margin stuff, but again losing a little margin could be made up with being able to handle more customers, not to mention simplifying your operations.

And the food - well it's simply not good.  I understand that you've chosen to cave to the vocal minority and go the "healthy route"; but the majority of us that go to your stores are not going because it's healthy.  If you want me to pay nearly $2 for a large french fry, then it needs to be hot, fresh, and tasty; and all too often your stores are failing at all three of those.  The hot and fresh is a simple fix, but the tasty - well again I understand you're trying to be healthy, but if I wanted healthy fries I'd go somewhere and order baked sweet potato fries.  I'm at your store ordering your fries because I grew up loving them and you've all but destroyed that for me.  And as I mentioned above, all too often your sandwiches aren't hot and fresh either and they're often just thrown together with all the care of an angry toddler.

I know you got a lot of bad publicity for things like "Super Size" and such; but again bowing to the vocal minority was a mistake.  Nobody was forcing me or anyone else to "Super Size" our fries/drink.  How much in incremental sales have you lost because you caved on this?  And speaking of fries, how about you actually fill the box for a change.  I'm really tired of getting anywhere from 1/2 to 2/3rds of an order of fries in the fry box.  That's a recipe for me to either not order a value meal or to simply go somewhere else.

And maybe instead of franchising more of your company stores you should go in the other direction.  Yeah, you'll take a hit in the short term, but I've seen too many poor franchisee's that are undermining your good ones and your corporate stores.  Either make those poor ones clean up their act, or take them back over; but continuing to cede operations of your stores is a colossal mistake.

I could go on and on, but I think I've made the majority of points I set out to make.  Bottom line for you is that I used to love McDonald's and I'd like to again, but you're making it impossible for me to do so.  Get your head out of your a** and fix things before it's too late.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Shopping

Well, after a sort of "year in review" post last time, it's now back to this little "Transitioning 101" set of posts I've been working on.  Throughout this blog, "shopping" has been a common topic.  Sometimes it's been the actual topic of a given post or series of posts, other times it's been something that came up in the context of something else such as the post a couple of days ago that I made about makeup.  Just as with the makeup topic a few days ago, much of what I've written about shopping in this blog still holds true for me today.  That's not to say some things haven't changed, and I'll touch on those below, but just as with the makeup topic, shopping is something that seems to come up quite often in places such as the AskTransgender subreddit (and elsewhere), so here we are.

Now, as with all of the posts in this Transitioning 101 series, what I'm writing about are my own experiences and thoughts and what you might have experience or what you may think may well differ from me and that's fine.

• Obviously everyone is different, but among the most common "concerns" I see from those who are transitioning, or at least contemplating transitioning, in regards to shopping is "where to shop".  There are several thoughts on that, so I'll touch on some of them here:

• Online - Many people suggest shopping online and it does have both it's pros and cons.  The consensus seems to be that the biggest pro is that there is nobody scrutinizing your purchases; and the biggest con (especially with clothing) is that you can't "try it on" before ordering, and depending upon return policies of the retailer this can turn into a hassle if the item(s) don't fit.  I won't say I never order online, my foundation for example comes from Sephora and while I personally went in and had them match it up for me, when I need it now it's about 50/50 if I order it from their website or go get it - it really depends upon if I'm going to be near a Sephora when I need it.  For clothes, I'm more comfortable ordering tops than bottoms as I have a little more leeway with how a top will fit than say blue jeans, but even then I don't do it often.  So for me it's normally not worth it to order online, but some do it exclusively, and many somewhere in between.

• Thrift Stores - Around here the most common is GoodWill, though there are other "chains" and plenty of "Mom & Pop" thrift stores.  I'll be honest, I'm not as big of a fan of them as M is, she can spend hours upon hours going thrift store hopping; but on occasion I'll find something I like.  And quite a bit of the time it's something that is brand new.  In fact my favorite purse is a Guess model that came from the local GoodWill and I would not trade it for anything.  The other thing I like is that at least around here, their dressing rooms are gender neutral and unattended so I can try whatever I want on without any scrutiny.  These days that's not really a big deal to me, but early on it was.

• Specialty Retailers - I'm talking about places such as Victoria's Secret, Lane Bryant, Sephora, Payless, Ulta, etc.  For the most part I like hitting what I'd consider specialty retail stores, especially if I'm looking for something in particular, be that my foundation at Sephora, or a particular piece of clothing or shoes.  The obvious downside is that none of these places are going to be a "one stop shopping" experience which at times can be a downside.  Now, for me personally, I've never had a poor experience at any of these types of retailers, but I know some have.  I'll touch on my thoughts regarding this further down, but for now I will say that if you have a poor experience at a given retailer, don't let it sour you on them in general - there are plenty more that would love your business.

• Big Box Retailers - Here I'm talking about the obvious "Big Box" stores such as Wal-Mart and Target, but also places such as Ross and T.J. Maxx since they carry a wider variety of things than a typical specialty retailer generally would.  Frankly these are among my favorite places to shop - especially places such as Wal-Mart for several reasons.  Now, I know a lot of people don't care for the business practices of some of these places and in some cases I would probably agree (at least somewhat), but that's a different subject for a different day.  I'm focusing on the shopping experience and I think quite often these stores provide a good experience - though as with above there have been occurrences where this has not been the case and again I'll touch on that below.  So why do I like these places?  Well for one, many of them are in fact "one stop shopping" which I like, especially if I'm not looking for something overly specific.  Another reason I like them, is that especially with places like Wal-Mart, they often have plenty of larger clothing which for many of us who are doing the MtF transition is great.  Lastly, the way they staff their stores tends to lend itself to not being pestered by employees.  Now this last one can vary greatly depending upon several factors - especially the time of day that you are shopping, but I'll also touch on that in a minute.  There are other considerations such as return policies and for that matter pricing.  Now there are plenty of downsides, such as merchandise being scattered - though if the store is being ran well it should be zoned consistently making this less of an issue.  Quality can also be a bit hit or miss at times, I've got tops for example that I've paid less than $5 for that have lasted forever, and others that I've paid $15+ for that had issues after one washing.  Makeup can be a problem too, as quite often finding a tube of a particular lipstick that someone hasn't opened can be a challenge for example.  But all of that aside, for much of my day to day stuff, be it clothing or makeup, it often comes from these types of stores and I've yet to have a poor experience at any of these stores.

• Now that we've touched on places to shop, what about "when to shop"?  Obviously, if you are shopping online this isn't a concern, but what about the brick and mortar stores?  For the majority of retailers around here, hours are generally in the 9am-9pm range, give or take a hour or two.  Wal-Mart is generally an exception as many (most?) are either 24 hours or at least something like 6am to at least 10pm, if not midnight.  It seems that many people encourage shopping at off hours, or in the case of some place like Wal-Mart, overnight.  I understand their rationale for that, but based upon both my own shopping as well as the time I've spent working at some retailers, I'd offer a different viewpoint.  I'm not saying to go shopping when the stores are super busy such as a Saturday afternoon before a holiday; but I will say that I tend to prefer shopping when a store has a fair amount of activity for two reasons.  First off, the customer to employee ratio is higher so I feel I'm less likely to bothered by an overly helpful employee.  Secondly, since I tend to be a slow shopper, I find that when there are more customers around that I tend to draw less scrutiny for the amount of time I'm there.  Now on the flip side, there are more customers/employees around and that can make some people uncomfortable, including me at one point, but all things being equal I prefer to have a "larger crowd" to blend in with.  I'm not saying I don't shop off hours including overnights at places like Wal-Mart, but I prefer to go in at busier times when possible, especially if I'm by myself.

• That leads me to my next thought, and something that I've talked about more than once in this blog and that is "checking out" with your purchases.  My thoughts on this are strongly influenced by my time as a cashier and later a customer service manager at one of the big box stores.  Yes there are exceptions to what I'm about to say, but in reality there are exceptions to almost anything so take that for what it's worth.  I tend to see a huge amount of suggestions along the lines of "tell them...." where the balance of the sentence is something like "you lost a bet", "it's for your wife/daughter/SO/etc", "I'm dressing up for a party/Halloween/etc", and so on.  Frankly, the vast majority of cashiers, especially at bigger stores, could care less about what you are buying, right up until you give them a reason to which is what those kinds of excuses often do.  They're generally more worried about their next break/lunch, when they are getting off work, what happened earlier, etc.  As I said, generally they don't care in the first place and frankly it's none of their business even if they do; but when you start dropping phrases like the above then it makes the curious.  Do yourself a favor and try not to worry about what some random cashier might or might not think and be happy that you're about to leave with things that you want and hopefully make you happy.  And if you really are that concerned about your cashier, gravitate towards younger and faster cashiers, preferably female cashiers.  I saw younger because in general they are going to be more accepting, faster because they are less likely to pay attention to what you are buying, and female simply because they are more familiar with clothing and makeup and less likely to think twice about it.  I know that last bit probably sounds sexist/etc., and it's not meant to be, but I do believe that in general it's an accurate statement.  And a few words about another common suggestion and that's "self checkouts".  I'm not going to lie, I use them from time to time, especially if I only have a few items.  But if you are at a retailer who actually has somebody watching over them - and really all should - then they aren't as anonymous as many seem to think.  Generally there will be a "check stand" where they have a monitor(s) showing each and every item as it's rang up anyway.  Additionally, if the person watching the self-checkouts is doing a good job, they should be out supervising them visually which means as soon as you have a problem scanning an item, you may well have an overly helpful employee next to you.  And yes self-checkouts have gotten better over the years, but sometimes there are still issues.  Maybe it's a missing tag on clothing (though many pieces will have a UPC number on a tag somewhere that can be hand keyed), or a difficult to scan barcode on something small such as a lip liner or eye liner.  I'm not saying not to use them, rather I'm simply saying that they aren't always the best way to avoid interaction as many seem to think they are.

• Moving on to prices.  To the vast majority of us who are transitioning or have transitioned, finances are a concern.  One of the culture shocks I've had with shopping as a woman is how expensive things can get.  I think I've made it clear that I like Sephora for example, but I don't normally shop there except for my foundation simply due to the cost.  I'm not saying their merchandise isn't good, the things I have bought there have been without exception very good; but for me I simply can't justify dropping that kind of money on a consistent basis.  So the majority of my makeup tends to come from places like Wal-Mart, Ulta, etc.  The same can be said for clothing, for someone my size and age, Lane Bryant for example has some really nice things from time to time, but I tend to look elsewhere for the majority of my clothing simply due to price.  I'd rather get 5 tops that I like for $40-$50 from say Wal-Mart or D.E.B. (before they closed their stores) than one top that I loved for the same amount from some place like Lane Bryant or Dillard's.  Obviously others may disagree and that's their choice, but for me this is what works best.  I also tend to shop clearance racks/sales a lot.  Yes, the items may be last seasons merchandise or they may not be my favorite color(s), but getting something 75% (or more) off more than makes up for that to me.  And back to makeup, and I mentioned this in my makeup post itself, but as far as getting makeup for "practice" or even for daily wear, I like to hit places like Dollar Tree.  Again it may not be the shades I prefer, but considering the cost difference, I'm more than happy to make that trade off.  Yes, I splurge on occasion for that pair of shoes that I really love, a nice pair of jeans, or my foundation, but I tend to make those the exceptions.  I also pick things up at thrift stores from time to time.  At least around here, it's not uncommon to find a fair amount of brand new merchandise, tags intact.  Obviously that is very hit or miss, but it never hurts to look.

I think I've touched on most of the major things I wanted to, with one exception and that's when the unfortunate occurs and you have a poor experience with a retailer.  In a perfect world this would never happen, and thankfully for myself it really hasn't happened as far as shopping goes - though I have ran into it at a couple of restaurants.  For me, when it has happened, I've chosen to escalate my issue.  In one occurrence I did so after the fact, and in the other I did it then and there.  I had my reasons for each and my results varied; but I felt better about myself because I at least made an effort to point out what I felt was inappropriate treatment.  But even beyond that, the biggest thing you can do is to spend your money at businesses that treat you right; and when possible share the names of businesses that do treat you right.  Those are the types of businesses that should be encouraged and frankly that's a large part of the reason I started this blog in the first place.

I think I'll wrap this up now - as with anything in this blog, and especially this little "series", feel free to agree or disagree; these are my experiences and feelings on things - nothing more and nothing less.

- M

Two Hundred (Posts And Counting)....

I haven't abandoned my little "Transitioning 101" project - actually I have a couple of more posts already written and ready to post, but as this post is number 200 in the blog I thought it was a good time to sort of revisit my 100th post which as things would have it was written nearly a year ago (May 5th, 2014).  

Before I get into that, I thought I'd talk about this blog for a bit.  I don't really consider it much of a blog, but rather more of a journal/diary that just happens to be "public".  Some might say there isn't much of a difference, and perhaps they are right, but to me it's more of a mindset.  I tend to believe that the majority of the better blogs (and yes I know there are plenty of exceptions to this) - tend to focus on something specific rather than the random hodgepodge of things that ends up here.  My initial intentions were actually for this to be that way and focus on my experiences during transition, and while that is still a significant focus here, I tend to meander into lots of things these days and definitely have shared more personal material than I ever intended.

The reason I bring this up is that one of the earliest pieces of advice I got when I started to transition was to get plenty of photos over time and to keep some sort of diary/journal of things.  I didn't really take either of those seriously at the time.  Early on, I did get the occasional photo, but nothing consistent, and I definitely didn't write anything down.  Looking back now, I regret those two things more than a bit, and I definitely would suggest doing these two things to anyone who is transitioning.  Whether it's something that they would chose to share publicly or semi-publicly, or even if it was something that was kept personal and private, it is really nice to be able to look back on things, both good and bad.  I don't do it all that often, but every now and then I like to.  And the pictures - well for some/many/most of us who chose to transition we may not always see the changes that have occurred over time, or we may even start to take certain things for granted and those pictures can tell a story that we may not readily see on our own.  Just my thoughts, to each their own.

With that being said, I did want to sort of look back on that 100th post I mentioned above, especially since it was nearly a year ago to today.  So what I'm going to do is to copy pieces of what I wrote then and then comment on those pieces.  

I would hope that by now it's clear that both J and I feel that my transition was among the (if not the single ) best thing that could have possibly happened to us.  I'd like to think the same can be said of my relationships with my daughter P, and even my ex-wife/best friend M. 

I still believe the above comment, if anything even more than I did a year ago.  I really do believe it is the single best thing that happened to J and I's relationship; and in many ways my relationship with M and my daughter P.

That being said, while I feel my transition has went very well, it was by no means easy.  It was very hard for me at first to present as Madison.  I was concerned, no really the word should be worried, about what others would think when they saw me in public.  

I should clarify the above just a bit - further down in that entry I discussed that I wasn't really concerned about what people thought of me when it came to myself; but rather how J, M, etc., might react when they went out with me presenting as Madison in public and we drew attention because of my appearance.

That being said, I stand by this, it was hard for many reasons; but none more than this.  The mistake I made, is one that J often makes with me about certain things; and that is that I made an assumption.  I just assumed that J, M, etc., might have issues if people stared, etc.  The reality was that they weren't worried about that, and despite them telling me that I really didn't believe them.  Looking back now I should have taken them at their word and not worried about it.  I would have been a lot less nervous/worried, and definitely would have enjoyed my outings far more had if I had done so.

Now, the above photos are approximately 22 months apart, 40lbs apart, and 16 months of HRT apart.  But what really sets them apart for me is how much happier I feel I look in the current photo versus the one from my "first attempt" at going out in public as Madison. 

I won't bother including the photos - though they are in the original post if somebody really wants to see what I was talking about.  Unfortunately, the 40lbs apart is no longer reality - in fact I'm probably almost back to what I weighed at the beginning of my transition - and shame on me for that.  It's something I have to get back to working on ASAP.  The hair has also changed - longer and darker - the former on purpose, the latter because I couldn't get my existing color in that style.  Additionally I've went from a lace-front model to a monofilament model and I'm very happy with that choice.  The additional expense was well worth it.  No, it's not human hair - I just can't bring myself to spend that kind of money, but other than that it's been great to deal with.  I'd still like to go back to my prior color and if I can find a monofilament one that I like in that color I may well do that in the near future.  The hair in question is visible in my recent photos, but I did run across one I had never posted - I can't recall where I was going that day, but it's from a couple of months ago since I haven't gotten out that much lately.

The only other thing I really touched on in that post from a year ago was J's parents and that really hasn't changed much.  In fact I haven't seen them in the past year and in a lot of ways that's a shame, but I'm still just not overly comfortable around them.  Hopefully that will change at some point, but for now "it is what it is".

Beyond all that, life is reasonably good.  I have gotten more than a bit disgusted with some of the online Transgender communities, especially the AskTransgender subreddit over at Reddit.com, which is unfortunate as I did like to try and contribute to.  But I suppose the upside to that is that it's encouraged me to get more active here.  The one thing has changed for me relates to my comment about "not getting out that much" above.  I'm now far less concerned going out sans makeup/wig, even though my wardrobe no longer contains any male clothing.  Don't get me wrong, I still like to get "done up", but if we are running to the store, etc., "out of the blue" then I'm comfortable going out "as-is".  Sometimes, depending upon how I look, I still seem to blend in alright; other times I know I'm getting some strange looks; but I don't care and since J and M don't either, we don't let it bother us.  In some ways it's disappointing that I don't "feel as nice" because I'm not dressed up; but in other ways it's refreshing to just be able to pickup and go and not feel compelled to have to take the time to get dressed up and made up.  Though with summer approaching, I suppose I will start taking the time to get done up more often as it's now dress/skirt weather and I love that.

I guess I'll wrap up here, the next few posts will be a continuation of the Transition 101 series and then perhaps I'll get back to some of my other subjects such as recipes and/or whatever has my attention at the moment.  As always thanks for reading.

- M