However, while that title is accurate for what I'm about to write, it's also probably not really what you'd think. I would hope that by now it's clear that both J and I feel that my transition was among the (if not the single ) best thing that could have possibly happened to us. I'd like to think the same can be said of my relationships with my daughter P, and even my ex-wife/best friend M.
That being said, while I feel my transition has went very well, it was by no means easy. It was very hard for me at first to present as Madison. I was concerned, no really the word should be worried, about what others would think when they saw me in public. I was by no means passable at all, in fact below is a picture of me from just the other day along side a picture of the first time I went out as Madison - the latter is not a photo I'm very proud of to say the least. In fact I tend to joke with both J and M as to how they let me leave the house looking like that.
Now, the above photos are approximately 22 months apart, 40lbs apart, and 16 months of HRT apart. But what really sets them apart for me is how much happier I feel I look in the current photo versus the one from my "first attempt" at going out in public as Madison.
However, the biggest difference between the two of them for me is really how I *felt* going out. Back then I was scared and nervous about going out, now I'm happy to be going out and I have a nice time whenever I leave the house. It took some time, but I can honestly say that I really *DO NOT CARE* what anyone in public thinks of me or my appearance or anything else about me.
So how is all of this relevant to the topic at hand? Well, even though 22 long months ago I was scared and nervous about going out, I also felt that I could handle it. I've always felt that for anything I did, I could accept whatever good, or bad, came from it. What I've had a harder time dealing with, and the topic of this blog entry, is how my transition can and does affect those that I care about.
Early on, I was incredibly concerned about how J and M could/would handle how *I* was perceived in public. I knew there would be stares, I assumed there would be snide or even out and out nasty comments, and so on. I was not sure that they were up to all of that, and I definitely did not believe they should have to deal with that. So early on I did not go out often as Madison, and those times that I did, it was mostly to see my therapist Kelly, and then to see my HRT Doctor (Dr. Swenson), but beyond that not so much. As I had gotten rid of my male clothes a few months in, if I did go out I tended to present as androgynous as I could. Now, let me make it clear that this was *my problem*. J and M both were incredibly supportive and said they were NOT worried about any of those things I was worried about, but I just could not bring myself to believe that. However, over time I did learn to believe that and as I've talked about often in this blog, my experiences have been almost completely good to great.
But the above paragraph or two is not the real impetus for this blog entry. I have long since been at ease in regards to J and M being out in public with me. The real reason this particular topic hits close to home right now is in regards to others such as J's parents. Now let me first say how incredibly nice and supportive they have been to me in person; and I have no reason to believe that it is anything other than genuine. It's to the point for me that I really do consider them the closest thing I have to parents despite the fact that my birth parents are alive and well (at least to my knowledge). I hope that gives anyone reading this an idea of just how much I care about them and how much respect I have for them. And that care and respect is not because of anything they have done for J, P, and/or myself, but rather because I believe they are two wonderful people who have raised a daughter that means absolutely everything to me; because I believe they are people who "do the right thing", which has been something I've had a few problems with in the past; because they have accepted me into their family - both as <old male name> and now as Madison; because I feel they actually care about me, more than it would appear my genetic parents seem to, but mostly because they are the kind of people that I wish my own parents had been more like. And therein lines my quandary.
It's one thing for them to invite me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner as Madison. They did this despite the fact that they had friends over, albeit friends that are fully aware of my transition, but yet they included me with no reservations. But it's one thing to be invited into their home with a few close friends of theirs, but it's a whole different ballgame when it comes to being out in public with them as Madison. Once again, I'm happy with my decision to transition, and I'm comfortable being out in public as Madison regardless of what others things as I can handle whatever reactions people have. But to put her parents in that situation, well to quote the line I've said in relation to J, "it's not what they signed up for".
This has sort of come to a head recently. I was baptized Lutheran and attended church with my grandparents whenever I was with them on a Sunday, which was quite a bit during my "formative years". I was never a fan of church, as I suspect a lot of kids at that age wouldn't have been. As I grew older, I grew apart from my grandparents for a variety of reasons, some of which I regret, others, well not so much. My parents themselves never attended church so I didn't either, at least not on any regular basis. I attended a Catholic church service once or twice with a particular "girlfriend" if you could call her that, and in hindsight I guess I really don't consider her that. I also went visited my paternal grandparents church (a Presbyterian church) a couple of times, but other than that, not really anything else.
However, as I've gotten older, church has become something that has some appeal to me. I can't really say why, perhaps it's simply me feeling my mortality as I've aged. Regardless of the why, it has become something that I'm interested in. J and I have been to her parents church a handful of times over the last few years and truthfully each time I've actually enjoyed it for a variety of reasons. However, the times I've attended it was either completely pre-transtion when I was still <old male name>, or for the last couple (during my transition), I chose to go with an androgynous look. Perhaps that was misguided of me, but I did that for two reasons. The first was that it was still fairly early in my transition and I still was not totally comfortable in public as Madison. The second was that I did NOT want her parents to have to deal with any questions or "flack" from me appearing as Madison. It is a small church and the congregation does seem to skew older and I was not really sure how they would handle it. Because of that, I felt it was inappropriate of me to show up as "Madison".
Now that my birth certificate, drivers license, etc., all say "Madison" and all say "Female", I'm no longer comfortable going out unless I'm presenting completely as Madison like I am in the above photo (the left one <G>). It's who I am and how I want to present. So that leaves me with a few options:
- Don't go to church, basically the status quo.
- Pick a different church.
- Bite the bullet and go to J's parents church and present androgynous.
- Bite a bigger bullet and go to J's parents church presenting as Madison - ie who I am.
I can live with the first option if I have to, but it's not the choice I really want to make. The second option might be just fine, but the bigger issue for me is that J's schedule rotates and we could only go a couple of times every two months (when her rotation has her off on Sunday's) and I'm not really ready to commit to being a "member" (or whatever the proper term is) of the church, not to mention that J and I are now a "same sex couple" and may or may not be welcome at any given church. Option three, well even a few months ago I could have lived with that, but now - well truthfully it's the least attractive of the four.
So that leaves me with either the first option - not going at all, or the last, going to J's parents church as Madison. The thought of that does not bother me in the least, but I just cannot get over how it might impact her parents. J has tried to convince me that it's not a big deal; but when she says it, she doesn't seem to have the same conviction that she has about other things. I simply cannot tell if she really means it when she says they are fine with it, or if she is just trying to spare my feelings and as long as I cannot tell the difference, well I just cannot in good conscience put her parents in that position as like I said, "it's not what they signed up for".
Now, it's not all about a visit to church, I have the same concern about doing anything in public with them - or for that matter most other people - I just care about them more than I do almost anyone else. Hopefully at some point we can figure this out, but until then, well I guess it's status quo.
Again, sorry for this being so long and if you are actually still reading this, thank you. :)
- M
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