Since I can't do that, what I can do is talk about it in general terms as well as what it's evolved into for me. As a little background, I've been seeing my therapist (Kelly) for nearly two years now. When I chose to transition and researched things, I knew I wanted SRS/GRS eventually so I knew I'd need authorization letters for that, as such it made sense to me to go the "traditional" route of seeing a therapist prior to HRT rather than either "do it yourself" or "informed consent". I really had no idea what to look for in a therapist, so I spent as much time Googling this and that as I could and I narrowed my choices down to three. Kelly was not actually the first one I contacted, I happened to contact another therapist who (at least at the time) was at the same location as Kelly. The reason I settled on the other therapist was that her hours were a little more "open" so to speak and considering the drive (about 45 minutes each way as she's near Webster Groves and I'm way out in St. Charles County) that was a consideration.
Upon trading emails with this therapist, she recommended I see Kelly instead and since she had been on my short list I was amenable to that, so she was kind enough to forward my information along. I couldn't be happier with how that has worked out, I can't say enough nice and kind things about Kelly. I initially saw her every two weeks, as I said the drive and the time away from work was a concern. Over time that become once a month, then every two months, now basically every three months. I continue to see her for a couple of reasons, in no particular order. Among them are that at some point I will need two letters for surgery and I'd prefer to keep in contact with her until that time comes; another is that it's simply nice to be able to discuss this or that with somebody who "doesn't have a dog in the fight" so to speak. However, the single biggest reason is that *every time* I leave a session, I feel better than when I walked in. The first session, J and D went with me and I remember the moments between walking out of Kelly's office until I got back in the car with J and D as among the best moments of my life. One other session really stood out, it was mid to late last year, I don't remember exactly when, but I happened to go by myself that day and for whatever reason when I left, I honestly felt happier than I have *ever* felt, with the possible exception of the day J agreed to marry me. I remember stopping for lunch on my way home, it was the first time I ate out alone and it was a wonderful experience.
But enough about me and all that, the purpose of this was to give a little insight as to what goes on in a therapist visit so that's what I'll do. Now before I do that, let me share an obligatory photo so this blog entry has a thumbnail. This wasn't the original outfit I picked out, but I changed skirts at the last minute and the top I had chosen really didn't go with it, and then of course my shoes, earrings, necklace, etc., had to be changed. :)
Now let me first say that my visits these days differ a bit from my first few visits. As I said it's been nearly two years since the first visit so I don't have the recollection of it like I did then, but basically it went a little something like this. I arrived a few minutes early and once Kelly realized I was there she had me fill out several forms, among them personal information, and so on. I'll admit I was less than comfortable as I was out as "Madison" for perhaps only the 2nd or 3rd time, and despite J and D having come with me I was alone at this point. Once I finished the forms and Kelly was ready she took me back to her office. Walking in there was the stereotypical couch for me to sit on, and I believe I made some lame joke about lying on the couch that she's probably heard a million times. Once we were situated, she (re)introduced herself and went over a brief outline of basically her qualifications. I had read about a lot of that online, but it was a nice way to start things. It was then my turn and I basically gave her a 3-5 minute overview of me and what I was looking for which was to transition from male to female and start hormones. At some point, she bluntly asked me if I was simply there to get a letter for HRT. The bluntness sort of threw me for a second, but I had given that question thought before making the appointment and that was *NOT* the only reason I was there, if so I could have used an online therapist or found somebody to pencil whip what I needed. I was there to help make sure this was really what I wanted to do - I believed it was, but I wanted - no needed - to be sure as some changes would simply not be reversible, including the relationship dynamic with J, and I wanted to be sure this was right for me. In hindsight, I actually really appreciate how blunt Kelly was about that as I think it helped confirm to me early on that she was a good choice for a therapist for me. I don't want somebody that would just sit there and be a "yes-person" for me, I wanted somebody who not only could, but would, ask the hard questions and make me think and Kelly is one of those people.
The balance of the session consisted of me basically going over my life, at least as it related to why I thought transitioning was right for me. Don't get me wrong, Kelly did NOT ask, nor expect, me to justify anything, she just wanted to have the background information. I would assume both to be able see that I met the WPATH criteria for HRT, as well as to get an idea of what we should discuss going forward. I wasn't quite sure where to start and she told me start wherever I felt comfortable so I started as a child, fairly young, when I first started to "borrow" Mom's clothes and such. I worked my way through my formative years, high school, and so on. Kelly would let me talk, and when I'd reach a "pausing point" so to speak she'd ask me to elaborate on this or that to sort of fill in things that perhaps I might have "glossed over" a bit, etc. I don't really recall how far we got that day, but before I knew it our hour (well 50 minutes) was up. As I said when I walked out to the car where J and D were waiting, I felt like a huge boulder had been lifted off of me.
When I went back two weeks later for my next session, I picked up where I left off and discussed my life up to the current time. I finished that up about halfway through the second session, including elaborating on some things in particular, such as my interactions during high school as an example - since for most of us that's a very formative time in our lives. At that point we got back to my goals about transitioning. We discussed HRT, I knew the pros and cons already, including what things would be non-reversible, what would be partially reversible, and so on. Children weren't a concern as I had one and I had been "fixed" 18 years prior. We discussed J and how she felt, as well as the rest of my "support system" - which basically consisted of M and D at the time. My daughter P, well we hadn't discussed it with her directly, though I had dressed "female" around the house for years so while I'm not really sure she knew what was going on, I'm sure she had some idea. J, M, and I had already discussed me speaking to her about it and we assumed that would go well (which it did). We discussed my work situation, which I knew would be dicey at best, but many (most?) of us who transition can say the same. At this point she told me she was comfortable writing my letter and would have a "first draft" at my next session. I brought up bringing J with me to the next session, at least for part of it. I did that for two reasons, the first was that I wanted to make sure I included J in everything since it would affect her to, and secondly, I thought that if J had any "concerns" that she might be more willing to voice them in that environment than with me.
Since I'm talking about J, here's a picture of the two of us today. She's the most wonderful thing I could ever have asked for. :)
J did go to that third session, I spent a few minutes with Kelly by myself, partially just to talk and go over what she had written for my letter, and partially to see if there were any "ground rules" as to what she could ask/discuss with J. I appreciated her asking that, but I told her anything was fair game and I meant it. J then spent maybe 20 minutes in with Kelly alone, and then the last 20 or so was spent with us both in there talking, she also committed to have my letter finished at my next session which allowed me to start looking into a Doctor to handle my HRT, but that's a story for another day. To this day I believe bringing J to that session (and she's been to a couple since, including one a couple of months ago) was a great idea for a lot of reasons and when possible I strongly recommend involving your SO in therapy when possible, with emphasis on the "when possible". My fourth session was a couple of weeks later, I actually by then had talked to P, so I took M and P with me and did the same thing. Kelly and I spent about 10 minutes together going over the final draft of my letter. I know that sounds weird, but she's incredibly thorough, which is a quality that I personally greatly appreciate and have a lot of respect for. There were a couple of things that we decided could be worded better and she offered to correct them before I left, but it was going to be nearly two months until I could see Dr. Swenson (the Doctor I settled on) so I told her I was in no hurry and could get it next time. Kelly then talked to P and M for about 20 minutes, and then all of us for the last 20 or so. There was a bit of humor apparently while I was out of the room as the question came up as to what they "called me". P still called me "Dad" - which I'm fine with as biologically I am her Dad; and M dropped her pet name for me which is Tinkerbell. In past sessions when Kelly had asked me I said P used "Dad" and everyone else in the house more or less used "Madison" which was true, I hadn't thought about the occasional "Tinkerbell" coming up so it was a nice little bit of levity once we were all back in there.
Sessions since then pretty much fall under the same thing now. I'm far more comfortable so I can actually make some eye contact, which has come up before and as I explained to Kelly, that's always been an issue as I am naturally submissive and eye contact doesn't come easily to me. At this point I am seeing her every three months give or take, and I normally just talk about whatever is on my mind. Do I necessarily need to keep going? Probably not, but as I said above, at some point I will need a surgery letter, but more importantly, when I leave there each time I feel better than when I got there and as such I believe it's good for me to continue to see Kelly, even if it is only every few months.
I know therapy is not for everyone, in fact up until two years ago it wasn't for me - gender issues or not. But I have changed my tune on that over those last two years. I'm sure not every therapist is as good at what they do as Kelly is, and perhaps there are ones that are better, but she's been the right choice for me and I'd recommend her in a heartbeat to anyone in/around St. Louis looking for a gender therapist.
- M
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