Now before I go on, the standard disclaimer and then some. These are simply my thoughts and opinions on the topic, nothing more, nothing less. What you may believe or may have experienced may or may not be similar - it may even be completely different. And that's okay, each of us will have our own unique experiences, those are what helps make us who we are. But on top of that let me say I'm by no means a fashion expert. Not that I'm saying I'm an expert on anything I ever write here, but even less so on this subject as I still struggle with my "fashion sense" even more than my makeup, or anything else. Lastly, as with the majority of my posts, especially in this little series, I tend to talk mostly from a MtF viewpoint. That's not to minimize the FtM transtioners, or anyone else, but rather simply because that's what I've experienced.
- Dress to make YOURSELF happy first and foremost. This is the one thing that I really feel matters the most - and definitely far above anything else that I can say here. Personally for me, I love what many people would call "girly" things - skirts, dresses, heels, makeup, etc. But, plenty of women - both cis and trans - are just as comfortable on the complete other end of the spectrum and everywhere in between. That being said, one of the things that I feel I have learned over time is that I can in fact dress "how I want". So what do I mean by that? Well, as I said, I do love those traditional "girly" things, but early on in my transition I felt like I *had* to wear those things to show others I was in fact a woman. But the reality is that, the clothes don't make the woman - despite what a great deal of companies and people may want us to think. *I* am a woman regardless of what I chose to wear. So I still wear the skirts, dresses, heels, makeup, etc., when *I* choose to; but I've gotten just as comfortable going out sans makeup or in a pair of jeans and the first top I grab from the closet. Now as important as I believe this to be, I do have a couple of caveats to it, which I'll touch on in the next couple of bullet points.
- Consider your environment, at least if blending in is your goal. This may seem to run counter to the above point, but actually I feel they go together. Blending in - or "passing" as many say - consists of a great many things, attire being one of them. For those that don't care about blending in, then the above point stands as-is. However, I believe that if blending in is more of a priority then you need to consider where you are going, and just as importantly - "when" you are going. The example I tend to use throughout this blog is the grocery store. I can only speak to my own experiences, but if I were to make a composite of the women I see in the grocery shopping during the day at the stores around me, it would be little to no makeup, flats, and comfortable clothes - basically what I refer to as the "Soccer Mom look". Are there exceptions? Yes, lots of them. If I go to grocery stores by J's parents for example (a more upscale area), then I tend to see more makeup and the clothing is definitely "dressier". The "when" also comes into play here, I normally go during the day - usually on my "lunch" since it's convenient for me - but if I happen to go around 5-6pm, I tend to see more women that are probably on their way home from work and I will see more makeup and nicer outfits, and even some heels. So where does all of this tie into blending in? Well, if I were to head to the store now ("noon-ish") in a dress and heels with my typical makeup on, I'd stand out compared to the vast majority of women shopping and I'd draw more attention to myself. I'm not saying that's bad, there are times it's nice to be noticed, but that attention does come at a price and that price is that people are more likely to "read me". At this point, I really don't care if I get read or not, it's not like the majority of the employees at the stores I tend to frequent haven't seen me enough to already know, and the customers - well who cares - at least in this environment. But for many, including me at one point, getting read is a real downer, and by dressing for the environment you're going to be in, you should at least be able to minimize the odds of that happening. Of course there is the flip side to this as well. If I were going out on a Friday night to an upscale restaurant and/or movie, and I chose the aforementioned "Soccer Mom look" - I'd stand out as well. So as I said above, dress to make yourself happy, but if blending in is important to you, then consider that fact when deciding what will in fact make you happy.
- Dress your age, again at least if blending in is your goal. When I started my transition, one of the first things I did, along with J and M, was to evaluate my wardrobe. Unlike many who transition, I had a good head start with clothes as I had been cross-dressing for a long time. However, much to my chagrin these days, the majority of that wardrobe was what I'd call "Kelly Bundy-esque" (for those that were "Married With Children" fans - here's some examples of what I mean). Not that there is anything wrong with what she wore or what was in my closet in and of itself; but what was wrong was that I wasn't a teenager and didn't have the body she had. I was in my 40's and overweight and truthfully those outfits were not flattering. Had if I had tried to go out and blend in wearing those clothes I would have immediately been perceived as "a guy in a dress" and not as a woman. I'm not saying there is necessarily anything wrong with that, but for me - especially at the time - blending in WAS important to me, so I needed to evaluate my wardrobe and make some changes. I know this point may hit a nerve with some who are transitioning, and that's not my intent. As I said in the first point, you should dress to be happy, but I do believe that the reality is that if you choose to dress too far below your age, or even too far above your age, you are going to greatly decrease the odds that you will blend in. If you are fine with that, then by all means go for it; but if blending in is important to you I feel this is an important consideration.
- Learn to layer. I've always tended to be an overly warm person, I could easily sweat in khaki's and a polo, so I avoided excess clothing such as undershirts, sweaters, etc. J, M, and I often had thermostat wars around the house and even worse in the car - I'd always be turning the air conditioner up or the heater down - and telling them they could put on more clothes if need be. Well, over the last couple of years, I've learned why they didn't want the air conditioner turned up or the heater turned down. Women's clothes in general aren't very warm. I don't know if it's always been that way, or if it's something that happened over the years for "fashion's sake" - but all too often I've found that even with a bra, cami, and a top, I'm still colder than I'd like to be. I'm sure my footwear choices play into it as I don't normally wear socks or pantyhose/tights - though unlike many women it seems, I do really like pantyhose/tights; but they don't usually work well with the open toed shoes I prefer. But even with that, it doesn't account for just how much less warm women's clothing seems to be in general. And there is a plus that by layering you can take a few tops and greatly increase the number of outfits you have.
- Function over fashion. As as example, I said above, I love heels and I do. But if I'm going out shopping, especially an extended outing with J and/or M, flats or even wedges are probably a better option as I'm going to be doing a lot of walking. Another would be if I'm going clothes shopping, as much as I love dresses, a skirt or jeans is probably better as they are easier to get on/off so I can try on clothes. That's not to say that there aren't times for fashion - but as one of my friends says - there are heels and then there are "sit and look pretty heels" and learning which ones are which has made life much easier for me.
- Accessories go a long way. These can be a scarf, a belt, some jewelry, etc. Considering my body type, the belt thing doesn't work well for me, but I have a huge collection of scarfs, both infinity ones and regular ones, and they can change the look of an outfit quite a bit. As far as jewelry goes, that's been a challenge. I have a large neck and despite me having hands that I felt were small for a cis-male, they are larger than most cis-women so I have trouble with bracelets. Now M managed to find a large collection of ones that do fit me at a thrift store - they were all new so I guess they were excess from an actual retail store, and I love them. We do jokingly call them "old lady bracelets" as they do look like ones my grandmother would have worn when I was a child; but they are still reasonably age appropriate. And despite the fact that they are lobster clasps which makes them tedious to get on/off by myself, I like them and really since most slip on bracelets won't fit me I guess I should be grateful that they are lobster clasps. The bracelets don't do as much for my outfits as the scarves might, but they make me feel "girly", so you'll seldom see me without one - in fact any picture on this blog probably has me wearing one.
- And just as I said with makeup, just because something looks good (or bad) on someone else does not mean it will look good (or bad) on you. Different body types lend themselves to different styles of clothing. Now as with many of the other points that are here, by no means does that mean you cannot wear something that doesn't match your body type, etc., but if blending in is important it is something to consider. Additionally, the right clothing can creatively emphasize, or in some cases de-emphasize, particular features. Some examples from my own experience would be the wedge tennis shoes I mentioned above. They serve to make my feet look smaller, especially if I wear them with jeans. Before my orchiectomy, I found it easier to hide the telltale "bulge" with flowy skirts or dresses than I did with say jeans. For those with a visible adam's apple - which is actually one problem I personally don't have - a scarf or turtleneck can do wonders. So while it's nice to be "in style" sometimes, I personally believe it more important to find "your style" and work from there.
I could probably prattle on for a long time, but I think I've hit my major thoughts here and my lunch is pretty much over, so I should get back to work. As always thanks for reading.
- M
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