I've been incredibly blessed in that I have a loving and supporting wife (J), and a caring and supportive ex-wife/best friend/"sister" (M). Without their support and help, I never would have been able to transition. Many are not as lucky as I am, they lose spouses, SO's, and/or family over it. In my case, my family was basically already lost, mostly by my choice. Now there are a couple of exceptions, one uncle/aunt as well as the wife of one of my cousins have all been incredibly supportive; but everyone else - well not much has changed there despite many of them being fully aware of my transition. Losing a family, be it a birth family, or a "chosen family" - that's the term I use for what I consider my family now (J, M, my daughter P, and even M's husband M2); well that can be an emotional hit that some cannot handle or recover from and that's a shame. Sometimes it's the stigma of being considered a lesbian (in the case of MtF like me), or gay (FtM), other times it may simply be "not what they signed up for" to use the term I use often, or it may be for other reasons. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of success stories out there, and I would include myself in that group, but they are far harder to find than those that involve this kind of loss. Perhaps that's simply because the success stories don't feel as much of a need to share, perhaps it's simply because there are less of them - which is unfortunately what I believe. But regardless, for those that have supportive family, I sincerely hope that you appreciate what you have as so many do not.
Since my family isn't really an issue with me, what is my biggest "concern"? Well it's my job. My job has been one of the few things in my transition that did not go well and that to this day really hurts me for reasons I'll get into now. I do work from home and I like my job. The company I work for is VERY small, just a few of us actually. Small enough that most government protections, including ENDA even it ever makes it into law, do nothing to "protect" me. Additionally, our company is incorporated in one state, is physically located in another state, and I physically am located/work in a third state. Laws obviously vary by state and just from my own research there have been court cases (not necessarily related to gender issues) that have provided conflicting decisions on this particular topic. So these things all add up to making pursuing any sort of legal remedy an absolute last resort as it would likely get expensive and there are just too many variables to even remotely have an idea on potential success.
I initially had several paragraphs discussing how everything went down, but in hindsight I removed them as truthfully they aren't necessarily relevant and there may well become a day where I'd wish I hadn't discussed all the details in a public forum for legal reasons. That being said I did feel for a great many reasons that the company should have been supportive of me or at least accepting. Instead of discussing it with me and how it could work, they preferred to discuss things with a lawyer. That really hurt me as I've bled for this company and that's how I was treated? Part of me wanted to walk away at the time, but the reality is that I do like my job and I am paid a decent amount - not what I'd like and probably not what I'm worth, but enough that it would be hard to go elsewhere (isn't that always the case?)...
So I backed off with them. I told them I had changed my mind and had no plans for GRS/SRS so they would no longer have to worry about me showing up to work as a woman, which at the time was 100% true and is still is true as while I'd like it, I have no actual plans for it at this time. I was very careful with my wording about what I said and NEVER said I would not transition, and I have been true to my word. I have continued to be <old name> as far as work is concerned, including on the phone, in email, and in person when I've had to travel. At first it really didn't bother me, but as I've gotten further along it has bothered me more and more. Part of it is the fact that I am happier now as Madison and to have to be <old name> for work, well it stinks. Part of it is that I've traveled more in the last year than I had in the previous 3-4 years combined which means I have to present as <old name> in public more than I'd like.
I'm far from the only one who hasn't had transitioning and work go well; in fact I'd speculate that the number of people in the same/similar position as me is far higher than the number of those who have a supportive or at least accepting work place. While I do not like that, I realize it is simply the reality of the world I currently reside in. Will it change for the better? I sincerely hope so, looking back over this countries history would seem to indicate that it likely will. Unfortunately for me, by the time it does it will be too late; but I can also accept that as I know I have things better now than it was say 10, 20, 30 years ago when I might have chosen to transition.
As I've discussed with my therapist Kelly, I try and take a pragmatic view of my work situation. I do have a job I like, I do have a job that pays me reasonably, I do have a job that allows me to ensure that J and P can live in a reasonably nice house with the majority of things they would like in life. They are far more important to me than being able to be "Madison" at work.
Would I be happier and probably more productive if I could? I would say yes. Don't get me wrong, I work just as hard as I did before this came up. But I am now much closer to an 8-5 employee than I was before. I'm salaried so there was no financial benefit to working those extra hours before; but it's the kind of person I am. No matter what company I have worked for - big or small - I have always been one to believe that what is good for the company is ultimately good for me in some way. The fact that my boss tends to do it as well - well that made it easier for me to do. Now, I'm not saying I don't put in some time in the evenings and/or weekends these days, but it's a far, far cry from what I used to. They are paying me for 40 hours of work and they get 40 hours of hard work, and generally a few extra; but not the extra 10-20 hours they used to get. It's easy to say "so what", but in a company our size that's a lot of extra (and free) productivity that has been lost.
As I said above, I'm far from the only person who has work issues related to transitioning. I see this a lot on Reddit, and so on. Some people seem to be pragmatic like me and do what they feel they need to do to maintain their job and I have plenty of respect for that. We all need to do what we need to do. However, some people take a different view on that and believe that when there are work issues that you should "stand up and fight" for lack of a better phrase. I do understand where they are coming from, throughout history it has been people who have stood up that have led to reforms/changes and I have the utmost respect for those people. However, for those of us that are older, well it becomes harder to do that as in many cases we may have more to lose. We may have a mortgage, car payments, a family to take care of, and so on. That's not to say younger people cannot or do not have those things, as many do. But there was a point in my life where I was probably old enough to have transitioned and was not yet married, did not have a child, and did not have really any expenses at all. I was still living at home and perhaps it would have caused me to have to move out, but back then I had enough money saved that I could have supported myself for at least several months if need be. Considering I was working "fast food" at the time as a shift manager and then later an assistant manager I'm fairly sure I could have found another job as a woman and worked my way back up, despite the environment being even less accepting then than it is now.
So for those people on Reddit and elsewhere that seem to consistently dispense advice such as "you should call HR", or "you should get a lawyer", and so on. Well, I really question if they have really thought those pieces of advice all the way through. Reality is that HR departments are for the companies benefit and protection, not that of the employee. Are there exceptions to that? I'd like to think so, but I really believe those are in the minority. Lawyers tend to get expensive quickly, and yes I know there are some that will take things on a contingency basis or even pro bono, but again I suspect those are in the large minority. And again, reality is that it's very easy in most states and most jobs to get rid of somebody when a company - or even a supervisor wants to get rid of somebody. As I've discussed before, I have very little nice to say about my father, but growing up he was a restaurant manager and one thing he said that has stuck with me all of these years is that "employees breathe wrong". It may not be right, and it may not be that way at every company, but it can and does happen to people. That's not even getting into the discussion about "at will employment". In a perfect world, I'm sure most, if not all, that transition would like to be able to transition at work with no consequences and if there were they would like to be able to do something about it. But unfortunately for many of us, it's simply not reality and we have to do what is best for us, our family, and so on.
I think I've written enough now, probably way too much, so I'll wrap this up now. I have to go onsite to a site in the morning, so I've got some prep work to do. It was a site that I installed probably 12 years ago and supported until I left my old company. Since I've left, the relationship between that customer and my old company has gotten very toxic. The customer finally reached out to my boss since we're the developers of the software and he's tried to make things "better" as even though we derive almost no income from them - just a small amount of software maintenance; definitely far less than what he's already spent in just his time, not to mention mine. He's sent me out to the site twice already (with someone from my old company) to identify their issues and we've actually made some modifications to the current version of our software for them specifically. It's gotten so bad, that he agreed to send me out there to help upgrade them to the current version. It's not so much that I mind doing it as it was a customer I really did like, but it means being <old name> in public for several hours tomorrow and as I said above, I'm now at the point where it really does bother me to have to be out in public like that. But again, "it is what it is"... Have a great day.
Edit: I just realized I didn't put a photo in here and as such there's no "thumbnail". So here's one from the other day, I had to get my lab work done before I go to see my HRT Doctor and I went grocery shopping. :)
- M
No comments:
Post a Comment