That's not to say that the other post was a complete waste as there were a few things in there that are relevant, the single biggest one is the struggle that J and I have reconciling our past experiences with our current lives. For various reasons, mostly I think because of the differences in experience between my original Domme and her original Dom (he was much more experienced in the lifestyle from what I've gathered), J was exposed to far more of the "ceremonial" side of things - by that I mean customs, positions, and the like - that I ever was. There's more to it than that though, from a physical perspective J and I were not (and still totally aren't) the same and that changes things as well, and lest we forget the emotional differences - although I suspect that truthfully those were less than one would expect considering my gender choice.
So how does all of this come into play in my daily life now? As an example, when J is home I am supposed to ask for permission to do things such as use the bathroom. Now something like that may sound silly to some, outlandish to others, and so on; but I can see the purpose to it. As I've said all along, there is a power exchange going on, and something as simply as not being able to freely use the bathroom means giving up a significant amount of control over oneself and bestowing that upon someone else - in this case J. I do pretty well (I think) about handling this particular "rule"; but some others - well not so much. Another example is that I am supposed to have permission prior to eating. If J is not around, then I am to ask via text/email and give her "x" minutes to respond. If I don't get a response in the requisite amount of time then I can proceed. If she is around then I am to prepare my plate, then ensure that her's is prepared and wait for her to instruct me prior to eating. On this "rule" - well I am not always so good. I often simply forget to ask if she's not home. Well that's not entirely true, sometimes it's simply me being lazy, others it's me choosing to misbehave. When she is home, I can say that I never intentionally violate this rule, but if I had a dollar for every time I've started to eat before I realize what I'm doing - well I would have already had my SRS/GRS done. Generally in those cases, it's about five seconds after I put something in my mouth that I realize it and the feeling I get really sucks. I feel like I've failed her and I absolutely hate that. Generally she takes it pretty well, in fact she usually says (after the fact) that the look on my face when it happens is punishment enough and truthfully I think she almost finds humor in it. Now before somebody gets the wrong idea, J is very cognizant of ensuring that I eat, and for that matter go to the bathroom when I need to. It's not about restricting my ability to do either, but rather to instill the fact that I'm doing these things at her discretion rather than my own. In fact I don't think she's ever denied me permission to use the bathroom or eat - well other than a particular day that we had agreed I'd fast for a day. Now in that particular case she was a bit devious and chose a day where dinner was something I would have greatly enjoyed - broccoli cheese soup and grilled cheese sandwiches - as silly as that sounds those are comfort foods for me - but as I said we had agreed to it and while some might feel that the fact that she chose that particular day to be "mean" - I saw it otherwise. Yes she could have picked another day to do it, but by doing it on a day where I would have enjoyed dinner more than normal it showed me just how serious she was about things.
Now that last statement probably deserves a bit of explanation. As I touched on in the prior post, one of the "issues" we have is that I often feel that she's flat out "too soft" some (most) of the time. I don't expect her to be out and out mean or hateful, but I do feel that "strict" is a reasonable expectation in a relationship such as this and when she does appear to be extra compassionate it compromises that in my mind. I'm not saying that if I'm sick that she shouldn't perhaps cut me some slack, but in normal day to day life, cutting me too much (really any) slack just doesn't work well for me/us. That choice she made over that dinner, well it really made me feel like she was finally going to be able to be strict with me and that made me happy, despite me missing out on my grilled cheese. :)
There are plenty of other things, as an example I generally receive a "to do list" every day that she is at work. These lists vary, obviously on my work days - and especially on my work days where I'm making dinner - they tend to be shorter than on weekends or nights I don't have to make dinner. The lists generally include some "standing tasks" - things that are expected *every day* such as making the bed and such. They will also include things specific to that day. Perhaps washing/drying/folding/putting away the towels, or filling the garage refrigerator with soda/water/etc. These lists hold a dual purpose - partially they get things done that otherwise might not get done or might get pawned off on J; and the second purpose is to keep me busy. If I have too much "free time" I tend to end up in trouble and by keeping me busy that seems to alleviate some of that. A third and possibly more important purpose is that these lists exert some control over me when J is not home. The expectation is that I am to update the list as I accomplish things and email J the status every so often. More often than not I complete the lists, but there are times when work gets in the way (ie I end up working later in the evening), dinner is more involved than normal, and so on; and there are times when I simply don't get around to the lists. On those occasions the expectation is that I will be punished for that - but punishments are probably a topic best left for another entry - assuming that these particular posts continue to be popular in the blog.
I think with this I will wrap up, especially since this is the second post of the day. As always any comments or questions are welcome either publicly or privately. For those that celebrate July 4th, it's coming up in a few days - please be careful and have a great weekend.
- M
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