I've thought about this topic a lot lately and it sort of goes hand in hand with the topic I'll be writing about in the next couple of days. However, I think it can/will stand on it's own (just as the subsequent topic can) and as such I'm going to write about them individually. And since I know J will read this as she reads all of my posts, all joking aside - sweetie, I had intended on writing about this anyway and that's why I made the joke when we were walking earlier this evening. Now that I (hopefully) have that out of the way, lets move on to the topic at hand.
There are plenty of relationship dynamics out there and I'm writing about *MY* particular dynamic which happens to be that of a transgender woman who is married to a cis (albeit bisexual) woman. Now to get a touch personal here, sex was never really "my thing". I went all the way through high school and some college without ever even having a date. Now I did have a few female friends, but nothing even close to a girl friend until I was probably 21. Looking back I think the perception I gave off was that I was a gay male and as such I tended to have female friends that were drawn to that. Finally just prior to my 21st birthday a couple of people I worked with set me up with a girl who worked with us part-time and was friends with several of my co-workers and my boss. After a few months together it finally fell apart - she still lived at home and she invited me over one weekend when her parents were gone to "watch TV". In hindsight based upon the circumstances and her actions I think her intention was to "deflower me", but I was far too naive to realize it and after that night we sort of drifted apart - she quit working with us shortly afterward and quit calling/answering my calls.
Fast forward a couple of years, my boss had transferred to a higher volume location and had taken me with him so I could get promoted. A younger girl (M) and I started seeing each other and she did manage to "deflower me". In a cruel twist of irony I managed to get her pregnant and ended up marrying her and having our daughter P. During that time I guess I sort of enjoyed sex and M definitely did so there was a lot of it; but it was never the "end all be all" that I thought it would be. Eventually M and I drifted apart for reasons that I've detailed elsewhere in this blog. Once M and I reconciled as friends she set me up with a girl who in hindsight could have been a match for me, but it didn't work out for a lot of reasons. It's sort of funny as whenever the topic of "how many" has come up I've always counted her as 1/2 - we started to one night, but about 30 seconds in I realized it wasn't right and stopped and we broke up shortly afterwards.
Again fast forward another couple of years and I was working part-time at Wal-Mart - by then I had been promoted to a Customer Service Manager (CSM) and there was a young cashier - in hindsight *too young* that I thought I liked - and I guess I did. We spent a few months dating, but among other things the age difference was far too great and the fact that I cross-dressed at home didn't sit well with her. The funniest thing about her was that our roles were almost reversed from the stereotypical couple. She wanted sex - a lot - and I considered it more of an obligation. It became almost a pattern - feed her dinner, have sex with her, and she'd roll over and go to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I'm by no means picking on her - in fact we are friends on Facebook now and I will always have a special spot in my heart for her just as I do for M. Not as people I want to spend the rest of my life with or to love as a wife/partner/etc, but simply as people who I was intimate with and do care about.
Thankfully, during this time J took an interest in me - as to why - well I'm still not entirely sure as to what she saw (or sees now), but she did and we became a couple and have been together for just over eight years now. Early on, sex with J was something that I did because I wanted to. I wanted to be intimate with her and show her how much I cared for her, but my concern was always about pleasing her and I could have cared less about myself. As time went by I began to see intimacy as more of an obligation again and I couldn't figure out why.
Eventually the topic of me transitioning came up and my feelings towards sex started to make more sense. Before that I had sort of chalked it up to a lack of experience and I really hate to be less than perfect with anything and I felt I was definitely inadequate as a lover. But once I started the transitioning process I did a lot of thinking and the therapy helped me get a grasp on things as well. Inside I felt I was a woman and yet I had the body of a man and that made things difficult for me and by extension difficult for J. I wanted to please her and make her feel loved and special, but I really didn't know how to do that without making myself feel bad so I had more or less quit trying. I don't want to speak for J - she can do that herself when/if she desires, but I think she felt like she was doing something wrong or that I didn't love/care for her and it caused both of us to be far less happy than we should have been. Once I got a grasp on things and we talked about everything - well things started getting better.
However, better is sort of a loaded word in this context. The revelation of me wanting/needing to transition opened up a whole new set of issues. How could we be intimate as two females - when one of those females still had "boy parts"? Now I consider myself lucky that J is bisexual as I think this has made it a lot easier for us, but I also like to think that even if she wasn't that she loves me so much that we would have made do regardless. But even with that going for us we still have some issues - mainly due to the fact as I've mentioned we are both submissive personalities and as such we both tend to worry about pleasing others and put our own needs aside to do so. I still don't have much desire for my own pleasure - although I hope when I finally have SRS/GRS that this will change, but I do have an intense desire to please J. But she would still rather please me far more than have me "take care of her" which makes things interesting to say the least. Toss in our current dominant/submissive dynamic and it's a constant struggle to find that happy medium. By no means am I saying we're unhappy - I feel we are both as happy as we have ever been, but I do hold out hope than once I do have surgery that it will make things even better.
I'm not really sure that this topic came out as well as I envisioned, but it's late so I guess "it is what it is". As usual if you've made it this far - well thanks for reading. :)
- M
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