I'd been struggling for a topic the last few days, not that I didn't have a couple of things in mind, but nothing that I really had a strong opinion one way or the other. Then, as so often happens, I spent some time on Reddit tonight and a topic jumped out for me. Without getting too specific, a trans-woman was complaining about her Mother making a comment on some pictures she had posted to her Facebook account, and because of that she "wasn't being supportive". I read the comment and viewed the picture and frankly I thought her mother expressed her opinion very politely and respectfully and that her opinion likely would have been the same had if she was talking to a cis-female who happened to be her daughter. What really stood out to me, even more than the original posters indignation were the bulk of the comments on the post. Almost all of them (save the last one at the time) were along the lines of "tell her to f*ck off" (literally) and the like. I was amazed at the vitriol that was being put out there for a comment that frankly I'd make to my cis-female daughter if she had worn the same outfit the same way.
The final comment - and I had them sorted from highest score to lowest, so it had been down-voted significantly - was a bit blunt for my taste, but basically echoed my thoughts that her mother wasn't really out of line for what she said, nor how she said it. My two cents which wasn't popular either echoed that last comment, specifically I said that the OP didn't have to agree with her Mother (and that she obviously didn't), but that her Mother made a motherly comment to her daughter as many other parents would have and did it in a nice and respectful way.
That got me to thinking about what exactly does a trans-woman (or trans-man for that matter) consider "supportive behavior" - especially from their family. For *ME*, I want to be treated as if I were a cis-female - if that means I have to hear things I might not like, such as a particular shade of makeup isn't right for me, or that a particular top doesn't flatter me, well then so be it. In fact, at times I struggle to get those kinds of opinions from my (chosen) family - as J and M to an extent - go out of their way to try and be supportive and at times to them that seems to mean that they can't be critical. I see it the opposite, in that I want - no I *need* them to be critical when it's going to be helpful. I'm not saying I want my feelings hurt needlessly - for that matter I don't really want them hurt at all, but there are times that things need to be said that might hurt them and those are the times I need to be a grown woman and understand them for what they are.
For me, and I would assume *most* people that choose to transition, we want to be accepted just as if we were cis-gendered. That may at times mean hearing things that you do not necessarily like. Now I'm not condoning people being hurtful for no reason, but again just because you don't like something doesn't necessarily mean it's not true or that the person saying it is being hurtful - they may well be trying to be helpful - as I believe this case to be. This particular person seems to either not care about that (if so that's her choice and that's fine), or simply doesn't grasp that her mother *is* trying to treat her that way and if it's the latter and she can't see that - well that's simply a shame. So many trans-women (and again trans-men I'm assuming) would love to have the kind of acceptance that this person's Mother is giving and yet she's not only unappreciative of what she's got, but flat out hostile about it.
Perhaps my opinion is wrong on this, from the reception my comment got it's definitely not popular on that particular thread - but both from personal experience as a trans-woman and a parent - I can see this from both sides and her mother handled it just as I'd like to think I would have and it just boggles my mind that this woman is so hostile about it. It just seems to me that the majority of the LGBTQ community strives for acceptance, equal treatment, etc; and nothing frustrates me worse than when that does happen and things like this occur.
I'm starting to get off topic, I suppose it's because I'm frustrated and a bit tired, so I'll cut this off here, as always thanks for reading.
- M
No comments:
Post a Comment