I've always been the kind of person who gets mad "shooting star style". By that I mean I get mad, very mad, for a brief time, and then it's over and gone. In simpler terms, quick to get angry, quick to get over it. It's caused a lot of problems over the years, first with M, now with J. It's always been worse with J as she has trouble handling me when I'd get angry; she want to just "make it all better", but the thing was the only way to make it better was to let it run it's course. All she accomplished by trying to "make it better" was to prolong it. To make matters worse, I tend to never forget anything and I know just how to verbally slice somebody into pieces. Combine all of those and you have a very mean and hateful person.
One of my more important goals for transition was to put a stop to this once and for all. Most of what I'd get angry about really didn't matter in the big picture; and even if it did matter, it really was seldom if ever worth getting upset about. Even if J (or M or somebody else) screwed something up, what good was it really going to do for me to tear into them? Call it un-Lady Like, call it trying to be a nicer person, call it whatever you want, but it was important to me.
Well as I said recently I consider my transition over, yes I'm still "pre-op", but other than having what I'd consider the wrong parts down there, I consider myself fully a woman with nothing else to prove. However, if that's true then I've failed on my goal of losing the anger. Oh, it's way better now, I can't recall the last time I raised my voice to J, and even M would probably agree that it's way better now. But that's simply not good enough for me, it needs to go completely away. For somebody who's an admitted perfectionist, I often try and convince J that sometime's 95% or 98% or 99% is "good enough", but in this case, it's not. It MUST be 100% - I simply cannot think of any reason why I need to ever be like that again. Yes the D/S has helped with that as well, but reality is that it falls on me to make this happen.
As good as I was doing I did get angry tonight. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't even say anything overly hateful, and goodness knows a few things crossed my mind. But looking back on it some 3-4 hours later while J is sleeping beautifully a few feet from me, even that wasn't worth it. In hindsight the things I got agitated over were silly in the big picture of our lives and all I ended up accomplishing was letting her go to bed in a less than happy state. That just tears me apart to realize that I let that happen. Yes I was better, but no I wasn't good enough, and she deserves better than that. So J, sweetie, if you read this, consider this not only a personal apology to you, but a public promise that I will do better and I will make it to 100% of the time that I don't let myself get mean or angry. It's what you deserve, and more than that, it's what I want for myself and it WILL happen.
I love you sweetie...
- M
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