J and I joke around a lot that she's now the "husband" in our relationship. I'm sure there is at least one person out there (perhaps many) that would find that "offensive" for one reason or another and while I would respect that viewpoint, it's not that way for us. It's more of an inside joke. I think what started it were the incessant questions that we (mostly her) got about "so who's the boy?". If that wasn't the number one question she took, well it was in the top two - the only other question that even seemed close to that was in regards to our sex life. So about the "who's the boy?" questions, they never really bothered me, I mean compared to the other things that came with transitioning, questions were minor no matter how personal they might/might not be. Now I will say that I also didn't get it very often in comparison to J; she deals with a lot more people on a regular basis and I think since she's not the one transitioning people tend to ask her things they may not ask me. I do think it bothered her on occasion, at least early on, but now I think it amuses her as much as it does me.
As to why it amuses me (and I think J now), well even pre-transition she handled a lot of the traditional "husband tasks". Things like mowing and trimming the lawn, moving/carrying large/heavy items, driving, shoveling snow, and so on. I on the other hand, handled a lot of the traditional "wife tasks", grocery shopping, preparing meals, laundry (although we've went back and forth on that), and dishes. It was never a he/she husband/wife thing, it's just how things sort of worked themselves out. Now on occasion I'd feel guilty about the lawn since J does work at much more physically demanding job than I do and I'd go do it. I would also try and shovel the snow at least part of the time so she could get ready for work or be able to pull into the driveway when she came home, but for the most part that's sort of how things seemed to get done.
Now when J and I first got together she wasn't much of a makeup person, in fact she even got ready to leave the house more like the "husband". A quick shower, a quick brush of the hair (usually she'd just tie it back), a few other hygiene tasks (brushing her teeth, etc) and she could leave. Never more than perhaps 15 minutes total. Now over time she's to the point where she does tend to wear makeup and such. Mostly for my benefit, but part of it with her position at work as well. However, she's still quick and efficient with it and is in/out of the bathroom in short order. I on the other hand, have always tended to take a bath and a long/hot one at that, and been a dawdler in the bathroom. Since I chose to transition it's gotten worse as my hair and makeup has to be "just right" before I want to leave. Now I'm not saying I haven't ran an errand or something with little preparation as I have, but those are few and far between.
There are other things, her idea of wrapping a gift for example:
I'm not really sure those photos due the present justice. I look at that and the first thing I think of is that a man wrapped it. :) I'm not saying mine are perfect by any stretch, but they definitely don't look like that. I'm not trying to pick on J, but rather illustrate the dynamics of our relationship.
All joking aside, we don't necessarily see that either of us "is the boy"; we both tend to refer to each our as "our wife" - although in certain circumstances (more often for J), it may be "my partner" instead. We do the tasks we are *comfortable with*, not the ones that necessarily correspond to our birth gender or our chosen gender (in her case the same thing obviously). We both like to cuddle; although I'll admit that it's more of a new found joy for me, she's always enjoyed that; we both cry, although it seems like it's more likely to be me doing that these days; we both enjoy long baths - especially together, we enjoy shopping together, and so on. To me at least, if I had to try and describe our relationship in one sentence - I'd say we're simply two people in love, regardless of birth gender, chosen gender, or anything else. For those that can't seem to wrap their heads around our relationship, then fine I think we both agree that J is my husband and I am her wife; but the reality is that J is my wife and I am her wife and we are happy; and truthfully that's all that matters to us and all that should matter to anybody else. Yes it's not necessarily what would be called a "traditional marriage", but it's also one that's not likely to end up in divorce like so many "traditional marriages" do.
- M
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