Before I get into what I am going to write, let me say that choosing to transition was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It's been wonderful for me (for the most part), it's been wonderful for J and I's marriage, and I even think that M (and P and even M2) would agree that it's made things better around the house. That's not to say it's been all rainbows and unicorns as there have been some downs to go with all the wonderful ups, but I can honestly say that if I could go back two years and decide again - I'd make the same decision 100% of the time and have no regrets about doing so.
Now while I mean it when I say I would have no regrets about choosing to transition, I do have some regrets about how things have went. The first is the timing of my transition. I see a question pop up all the time, especially on Reddit - "if you could go back and be born as your chosen gender would you?". For me the answer is and always will be a resounding *NO*. If I were to do that I would not be where I am today with a wonderful and doting wife in J, I wouldn't have a great daughter in P, nor an ex-wife who I consider my sister in M, nor a bunch of other things. However, I do regret not transitioning at least a bit earlier. I think that shortly after J and I got together that I could have chosen to transition and most, if not almost all of the things that have happened since then still would have occurred - both good and bad. The difference being that I would have been happier year(s) sooner as would the rest of my chosen family. I would have gotten an earlier start on my voice, my weight, my hair/makeup skills, HRT, hair removal, and a lot of other things. I also might have been able to have worked out my job situation better - perhaps I would have still ended up with my current job, but even if I hadn't - well I would have been more keen on finding a different one back then as it's hard to give up the one I have now even if it causes issues with my transition.
Beyond deciding to transition earlier, I regret not working on my voice *much* sooner as that's still one of, if not my single biggest hurdle to deal with. I may or may not pass visually - although I hope I do at least most of the time, but even if I do - far too often my voice will give me away. I work on it, although not as much as I should and that will be a point of emphasis going forward. Speaking of my appearance, here's a picture I shared on G+/Facebook the other day of J and I on our way to the store and lunch. I think it's one of our better photos.
If I had a complaint it would be that as it always seems to do the sun was a bit bright and I'm squinting a bit, but beyond that I look at that picture and I personally see two very happy people in love and truth be told, what more could I really hope for in life?
Regrets aside, and frankly the ones I've mentioned above are really minor in the grand scheme of things, I have so much to be grateful for. I've never been happier, in theory I probably haven't been this healthy in 25 years, I'm deeply in love with a woman who loves me just as much back if not more, I've got a wonderful "chosen" family, seven cats that I adore (although at times some more than others), and so on. Even those few regrets I do have seem inconsequential
Could life be better for me? Yes it could. I could have my facial hair (not to mention my body hair) all gone. I could have a job that would accept and support me as Madison. I could have already had SRS/GRS. My voice could be so much better. I could have more of a social life with some friends and/or family. But even without those things, I am happy and I know I have it better than a lot of people out there who choose to transition, so rather than ever dwell on any of those things, I'm grateful for the life I have and I only wish that everyone could have things at least as good as I do, if not even better.
Now, don't get me wrong, while I am incredibly happy (and probably incredibly lucky) for the way things have went for me - I will also say that I have worked incredibly hard to obtain those things I do have. Yes I have had lots of help from J and M, and I'm grateful to have an inspiration like D to have helped nudged me to transition. But even with all of that I have worked long and hard to try and ensure that I could be successful in my transition. Even when I've had some of those downs I mentioned above, rather than feel sorry for myself and give up, I would take a few minutes (in some cases a few hours or maybe even a day or two) and lick my wounds, but then I would pick myself up and make the best of things and move on. Rather than find reasons that I *can't* do x/y/z, I find reasons why I *can* do x/y/z. I know it's hard at times, but I am a firm believer that a positive attitude goes a long way. Yes it cannot overcome everything, no matter how positive I am my voice won't suddenly be feminine - or better yet sultry and sexy, but I stay positive that I can work on it and make it better. I can't suddenly have GRS/SRS just because I'm positive, but yet there are plenty of other things I can work on in the interim. My voice, my mannerisms, my makeup skills, my weight, and so on. Even on those incredibly rare *really bad* days, I still try and find something positive to focus on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it would be really easy for me (or anyone else) to not transition because it's hard or because of our situations or for a myriad of other reasons. And in some cases perhaps that is reality and for those that have to live that reality, well for lack of a better term that sucks. I hate to see anyone suffer and while I never really was truly unhappy as a male, I know how much happier that I am as Madison and I wish everyone could find the same happiness. But for those that want to transition, I really do hope you can find a way to try and make it happen and find the same happiness I have found.
That last paragraph probably doesn't come across the way I meant it, but unlike I normally do - I'm not going to go back and start rewriting pieces of this particular posting to get it "just right". I want this to be a one shot post with how I feel, versus me trying to say things "just right". If I've offended anyone in any way, I am truly sorry that was not my intention. And with that I'll wrap this up with one final thought.
J, you have been there for me this last two years while I've transitioned and during that time you have loved and cherished me like no other ever would have. I just want you to know how very much that means to me, and that while in the early years of our relationship and then marriage, I didn't appreciate nor love you as much as you appreciated and loved me. I listed some regrets above, but this one outweighs all of those put together and I can never truly fix that. However, over the last two years I have learned how to love and appreciate you the way I should have all along and will cherish every moment we have together forever. I never could have, nor would have, done this without your blessing, but you have given me more than that and hopefully it has been worth it for you. I know it has for me. Love eternally.
- M
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