Transitioning And Acceptance

One of the most common issues that those of us who choose to transition have to deal with is acceptance.  Acceptance by our "birth family", our "chosen family", our employer, our friends, and even strangers.  As I've talked about quite a bit in this blog, the acceptance I've received has been a bit of a mixed bag.

My "chosen family" which consists of my wife J, my daughter P, my ex-wife/best friend M, and so on has been wonderful.  Especially J and M - I see so many people who's spouse/SO/etc cannot accept a transition and that saddens me, but J and M have been not only accepting, but more supportive than I ever could have asked for.

My "birth family" - well as I've talked about before, one uncle/aunt have been great.  Everyone else, well not so much.  Now I will admit that I was estranged from most of them before I transitioned for various reasons, but a couple of them hurt a bit.  I was really close to my brother's oldest daughter when she grew up.  I sort of fell out of contact with her and the rest of them when I chose to transition, mainly because I wasn't sure she/they were ready to deal with the fact that I was transitioning.  J and I ran into them all at Wal-Mart probably 9 months ago and it was great to see them and I briefly was back in touch with my niece and sister-in-law.  My niece brought up seeing me/us and me thinking like a girl suggested maybe getting our nails done (I know she enjoys that) and going shopping.  That seemed like a good way to spend some time together, but obviously I was wrong as the contact basically dropped off.  We're still "Facebook friends", but we don't really chat any longer and that hurt - a lot.  The other one that sort of hurt is my Mother.  I know for a fact that she knows what's going on, and despite everything that has happened I know if things were reversed I would at least make some effort to re-establish contact and she's made none.  As I've said before, yes I could do that, but if she's not interested enough to do it, well then neither am I and I guess I'll see her at her funeral - if that.

My employer, well I've discussed that recently, suffice it to say it did not go well and that was a crushing disappointment for me.  I didn't necessarily expect them to be happy about it, but I really thought that I deserved better than what I got.  I suppose eventually I'm going to have to "seek life elsewhere", but for now I'm managing things as best I can as I do like the job.

My friends, well I don't have many - I never have.  D has been wonderful.  I'm sure part of it is that she has transitioned herself, but I believe that mostly it's because that's just the kind of person she is.  A few other "friends", well they've invited me/us out to dinner here and there, though not so much lately.  I'm not really sure why - and truthfully I no longer care.  They were ladies that I worked with for a while and while I do like them all, I don't want to feel like they are "doing me a favor" and that's how it's felt the last couple of times.  There are a few others that I keep in touch with on Facebook, a couple of them do interact with me quite a bit which is appreciated.  The rest of them, not so much.  Now I cannot really be upset about that since we weren't exactly social before, but the one bothers me as when she and I worked together I doted over her daughter quite a bit, but it is what it is.

As far as "strangers", well that's went reasonably well for me.  Although that is likely skewed that most of my interactions do tend to be with others who transition.  That's obviously ignoring those working hospitality and retail that I come into contact with as they are being paid to be professional and nice, although there have been exceptions to that.  The biggest disappointment has been with one particular religious figure.  I sought him out for some "advice" for lack of a better word.  Me being me and trying to be polite, I inquired if he minded answering a couple of questions for me.  Not only did he say he would, he even sent me a second message asking about my questions before I had gotten a chance to message him (it was a busy morning wiht work).  Well I did reply to him shortly after his second message, and *no response*.  Really bothered me a lot - if he wasn't willing to respond to what I asked about he should not have agreed to do so.  Or failing that, at least a message back that he at least read what I had sent (and I know he did as I got the notification).  A bit of a shame as I did enjoy visiting their church on the occasions we did, we did always contribute when we attended, when they would do a food drive we always went above and beyond despite the fact that we weren't actually members, and J and I spent time digging out bushes one Sunday for them.  I'm not much on physical labor, but it seemed that of the few younger people in the congregation, most didn't show up that particular Sunday.  Since we were among the youngest there, J and I chose to do the physical outside work.  There was never an expectation of quid pro quo, but I honestly thought that I at least deserved some sort of reply.  I seriously doubt that I'll ever go back there again.  Frankly, their loss...

None of the above is really the reason I wrote on this topic, it was more acceptance in general.  While there are few absolutes in this life, and as such it's often hard to group people into "boxes" as J always says, I do tend to do that when it comes to acceptance, and I do it in four groups.

• The first are those that unconditionally accept me, such as J.  
• The second are those that accept me, but prefer to keep their distance for lack of a better description, many of my friends tend to fall into this group.  
• The third are those that act like they accept me to my face, etc., but really don't.  This group is a bit harder as generally they do make it seem like they are accepting and oftentimes I may only find out by accident.  These are also the hardest for me to deal with - even harder than with group four below - as since they put on the facade of acceptance I personally want to believe they do; so it's even more crushing to find out they don't.
• The fourth and final group are those that flat out don't accept me.  In my case it would appear that this is most of my "birth family", my employer, and a couple of people I thought were friends.  When this happens to me it's always disappointing, but I still prefer these types of people than the ones in group three above.  

The fourth group is the one I'd like to expound on a bit.  All to often those in group four tend to use religion as their rationale against those that transition is that they are "cherry picking" from the Bible.  I'm by no means an expert on the Bible, but the little bit of research I've done seems to indicate that for most every argument that people use, that there is a counter argument.  The one that I got that really bugged me the most was "God doesn't make mistakes".  I have several responses for that, among them are that I don't feel he made a mistake, he simply gave me "what I could handle" and I'm handling it.  And for that matter, for those that use that line, what if your spouse/SO/child or anyone else they cared for was struck with a disease that was terminal *if not treated*.  Would they be so quick to say that "God doesn't make mistakes" and let their loved one die?  Or would they do everything in their power to save that loved one.  I believe that for the vast majority the answer is the latter.  Well I'm doing what I need to do to "save myself" so to speak.  The other thing that really bugs me is that many of these people are quick to use arguments from the Bible as I've said, but I believe the Bible also has issues with eating shellfish (among other things) and wearing certain fabrics.  Now in some cases this is Old Testament versus New Testament, but at some point isn't the Bible the Bible?  As I said, I'm by no means an expert on religion or the Bible, but it sure seems to me that there is a lot of hypocrisy going on.

I'm sure some/many/all may disagree with the paragraph above and that's just fine with me as each of us is entitled to our own opinions and beliefs.  And with that I think I'll wrap this up.

- M

A Visit To My HRT Doctor....

Edit:  This probably comes across as me being a cheerleader for Dr. Swenson; and I suppose in a way it is.  I see so many stories of problems that trans-women (and trans-men) have with Doctors that I wanted to take the time to point out that there are some very wonderful Doctor's out there dealing with HRT, etc., and Dr. Swenson is most definitely one of them.  So with that out of the way, below is my original post. :)

Edit 2:  Added link to the review I wrote on Yelp of the Zaxby's we ate at.
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First a little (well a lot of) background, then today's (well yesterday's visit).  When I made the choice to transition, one of the first things I did was to decide that I was going to pursue things more or less according to the WPATH guidelines which meant getting a therapist's authorization for HRT.  Yes there was the informed consent (IC) option and yes the "do it yourself" (DIY) option, but since I believed I would eventually want surgery I saw no real way around eventually seeing a therapist as I'd need two authorization letters for that.  Because of this, my choice was made for me.  Once I had settled on a therapist and had my second visit where she told me she was comfortable writing my letter I began to look into who could handle my HRT.  Technically my regular GP could, but I doubted that I'd be lucky enough for her to agree to that.  My therapist had promised me a couple of names of people that were local - although "local" was more local to her than me since I live in the suburbs and she's more in the city.  So in the interim I started looking myself.  Some Google searching led me to "Laura's Playground" where a kind woman had posted 3 names of Doctors in Columbia who were handling HRT for other trans-women.  One of the three was out on leave, which left two.  Reading over their online profiles and researching them, I settled on Dr. Amanda Swenson at Green Meadows Clinic in Columbia, MO.

My research indicated that although she was a GP and not an "Endo", that she was familiar and comfortable handling HRT and was willing to work with a patients regular GP if desired.  The latter point really appealed to me as my regular GP (who I *really like*) is five minutes from here and Columbia is 90 minutes each way, so I felt if Dr. Swenson would work with my GP I could have blood work and such done here to save me from having to spend too much time up there.  The fact that Dr. Swenson was in Columbia was an appeal as well.  I spent a (school) year up there at Mizzou, granted a long time ago, but I liked it up there and it's a nice drive.  And while it had been a *long* time, I always felt it was such a friendly town, as college towns often are.

As I suspected my regular GP really wasn't comfortable supervising me going on HRT, but she was very willing to work with Dr. Swenson; so I next contacted Dr. Swenson and confirmed that she was:  taking new patients, did handle HRT in the right circumstances (ie therapist authorization and such), and would work with my GP (who was aware of what I was pursing and all).  Once she confirmed all of that I made my first appointment, which was late December 2012.  It was one of the best decisions I've ever made.  I'm sure the Doctors that my therapist suggested are all great, but Dr. Swenson is simply out of this world.  I could go on and on about her or my first visit or even visits after that and perhaps I will at some point; but this is really about today's visit since it's fresh in my mind.

Today's visit was approximately six months from my last visit.  For the first year of my HRT, Dr. Swenson saw me every three months on average, although once it was at two months due to medication changes.  So the last time I had been up to see her was in November of 2013 and at that visit I got her opinion on having an Orchiectomy done which she was very supportive of.  Since I had the Orchi in February (2/15/14 if it matters), it had been about 10 weeks or so, so I felt my "levels" should have settled down by now so I asked my GP to order some lab work for Dr. Swenson so we could determine if we were going to up my Estradiol and/or reduce my Spiro dosages.  I say "we" since Dr. Swenson always discusses dosages with me - the pros/cons of changing them, the possible effects I could see (especially in relation to my other medications) and welcomes my input on how to proceed.  I cannot say enough about the process with her on this since it is my body being affected.  I've read plenty of stories from others trans-women especially, where the Doctor flat out dictates things and while they may well have the patients best interests in mind, it is still the patient who bears the burden of the effects of HRT and I strongly feel that they should be involved in things such as this and Dr. Swenson is wonderful about it.

Typically when my GP orders lab work, it is whatever she needs along with anything that Dr. Swenson has specified.  While Dr. Swenson is particularly interested in my levels, she also looks at my general health as well, which again I appreciate and is another reason I'm glad she's a GP herself.  In this case my GP ran my "levels" as well as some other blood work including my A1C level.  At one point perhaps a year ago it was at nearly 10 which is basically "morbid" from what I understand.  In fact it was so bad that my GP wanted to start me on insulin via I believe an "Epi-pen".  I have a major issue with needles and wasn't sure I could handle that as I had visions of the old school needle and vial of insulin.  My GP showed me the Epi-pen and explained how it worked, but it still scared me - *a lot*.  I asked her to give me a couple of months to see what I could do about my weight and she agreed.  Two months later, the value had dropped into the 8.x range and she backed off the insulin provided I continued to work on my weight.

Well M and I went into the lab on Saturday morning (5/17/14) and got right in for my blood work.  From there we went grocery shopping and grabbed lunch and I sort of put the lab work out of my mind so I didn't worry about it.  Well that Monday afternoon (5/19/14), my Doctor's "assistant" called and said my lab work was back and my A1C had dropped all the way down to 7.1 - still high, but significantly down.  I had hoped it would be since by then I was down about 40lbs from where I had been when it was at 10.0, but even so this was more of a drop than I expected since I'm still significantly overweight.  She told me my GP was very happy with the progress and that she could either send the lab work up to Dr. Swenson or send it to me.  I opted for the latter as I wanted to see the rest of the results and sometimes it seems that when my records get sent back and forth they don't always make it.  I suspect because my GP has me on file now as Madison, but Dr. Swenson's office didn't since my license had not been changed as of my last visit.  Now they *ALWAYS* refer to me as Madison up there, but since my records all have my old name I suspect that it was an issue because of that.

Now that I've bored you with six paragraphs of background information, lets get to today's visit.  It was initially scheduled for last week, but about a month ago Dr. Swenson's office called and said she'd be out of the office that day so we rescheduled for today at 6pm.  That meant we'd need to leave no later than 4 so I could be there a few minutes early to get my name issue fixed, as it's a 90 minute drive and we'd be dealing with "rush hour" in Columbia.  Since I didn't have to leave any earlier than that I was able to avoid taking time off of work as I normally do and just take my "lunch" at 4pm which was nice.  Additionally, despite me initially being confused about her schedule, it allows J to go with me which is not usually the case.  Below is a picture of my outfit, not one of my best pictures for a few reasons - the sun was really bright, my makeup has been better, and as much as I love J she just can't seem to listen to me about the camera and doesn't let it fully focus first, but I'm not complaining about that as she's the best thing that ever happened to me.  :)

We ended up leaving a touch early for a change as we needed gas along the way.  As we neared Columbia we had a bit of a scare on the highway as a truck - a larger truck, but not a semi - blew a tire in front of us and nearly ran off the highway.  As it was rubber pieces were flying everywhere as were pieces from his right front wheel well.  I think the noise was the worst part of it as I was looking at my phone when it happened, thankfully J handled it gracefully and kept us out of harm's way.  Due to the fact that we left early we were able to drive fairly carefully and arrived at Green Meadows about 20 minutes to 6pm.  From the "board", Dr. Swenson was running about 15 minutes late - that's another great thing about Green Meadows, they keep the status of the Doctor's updated in the waiting area so you're not guessing as to what's going on, greatly appreciated.  I went up to "sign in" and get my name corrected.  The particular receptionist I had, well she had a little trouble understanding that I needed my name corrected, but we eventually got on the same page and she took care of that and I joined J in the waiting area.  We chatted and watched the fish as a couple of them were a touch angry from the looks of things.  Right about 6pm, Dr. Swenson's assistant called me back - I can't think of her name to save my life at the moment, but she's as wonderful as Dr. Swenson is.  She took my vitals which were incredibly good.  My weight was down to 216lbs which seemed to match what I had weighed at home (214lbs), I figured the 2lbs was about right for the clothes I had on there.  So that made me happy as that mean I was about 45lbs down give or take from when I started working on my weight.  She then took the rest of my vitals and I got my next big surprise.  My blood pressure was 108/66.  I've *NEVER* seen it that good, in fact before my prior GP put me on blood pressure medicine it had been as high as 180ish/110ish which is definitely not good.  I think this excited me more than the weight loss as I knew I had lost the weight, this on the other hand was a complete surprise.  She took the balance of my vitals, offered me a bottle of water, and then told me Dr. Swenson would be in shortly.

As I'm prone to do in these situations, I started taking silly selfies to pass the time until Dr. Swenson came in.  One day I'll have to post a few as some of them have been a bit funny. :)  A few minutes later, Dr. Swenson knocked on the door and came in.  There's very little as nice as hearing your Doctor tell you how wonderful you look when they walk into the room.  I mean I felt good, but hearing it from somebody else is always nice and was appreciated.  We discussed my weight loss, she then proceeded to look over my lab work and discussed how wonderful it looked - every value but the A1C is now in the "normal" range and as I said above the A1C is getting there.  She also noted that my gender had been updated to "Female" - which just added to how good the day was going as I had been so intent on getting my name corrected I had forgot to mention that to the receptionist, so I guess she noticed it on my license and got that fixed as well.  She then spent a few minutes talking to me about how my Orchi went, how I was feeling since then, and my general state of mind.  That's basically how every appointment with her is, and I so appreciate that she takes the time to do that.  I know that pretty much every Doctor "cares" about their patients, but the fact that she takes the time to worry about my state of mind with things means a lot to me as it's not something she has to do.  We discussed J for a bit and I mentioned that I had brought her with me, but I had not brought her back since I knew they were running a bit behind.  She then asked if she could go meet her when we were done which I thought was a great idea.  J is obviously not only a huge part of my life, but she has played a huge role in my transition and I like to keep her as involved as I can.  We then discussed my dosages, at my last visit we had talked about upping my Estradiol from 4mg to 6mg per day, but had decided to hold off until after my Orchi.  Looking at my lab work my levels were fine, but on the lower end of where she felt we could have them so we decided to up the dosage as we had previously talked about.  As far as the Spiro, we discussed lowering the dosage (200mg down to 100mg) or even dropping it, but her recommendation was to stay on it until at least the next visit so we could have a bit more data prior to making that decision, I felt that was a prudent thing to do so we were in complete agreement.

As always, she then asked me if I had any questions, which I had two.  The first was my nails, I've found them to be tearing a lot more than they used to.  We discussed supplements in general and specifically calcium as well as Biotin, I think I'm going to try the Biotin first and see what happens.  My second question had to do with my right foot.  A bit over a week ago I went with one of our resellers to a customers site.  It was a customer I had installed many years ago and was now very unhappy.  I was sent out to help upgrade the site and to ideally help smooth things over.  Well at one point I set my laptop bag down - a little too hard I guess - onto my foot.  As the day went along it swelled up and starting hurting to the point that it was hard to walk.  It's gotten a bit better over the last 7-10 days, but still hurts so she looked at that for me.  She said it was likely a soft tissue issue, but there could be a fracture so she suggested x-rays to confirm one way or the other.  I readily agreed so she quickly arranged for that and got me some sort of funky "shoe" to use for the next several days to try and alleviate the pain.  I say "shoe", but it's more like a sandal of sorts and was a bit difficult to get used to, but if it helps - well it's worth it.  She then showed me to the x-ray area which is through a door at the back of their offices, and told me she'd call me with the results tomorrow.  Getting the x-ray took about 5 minutes and I returned to "check out" with the receptionist and get my discharge paperwork.

I had neglected to ask when Dr. Swenson wanted to see me next, but had already taken care of that - 6 months again unless there was an issue with my HRT (anything else and I would go see my regular GP as normal).  I got my discharge paperwork, which is yet another thing I like about Green Meadows as it has all of my vitals on it, my medications, my next appointment, and so on.  I keep these in a file folder here and it's easy to see what has changed over time.  I then went out and got J to leave.  I had assumed when the x-ray of my foot Dr. Swenson had moved on with her next patient, but no - she had taken the time to come out to the waiting area and introduce herself to J and chat with her for a few minutes.  It probably sounds silly, but to me it was among the nicest things I've ever had a Doctor do, and I really appreciated it.  Per J it was a general chit chat as to how things were going and that I was getting my a x-ray on my foot and such, but I know J appreciated her time as well.

From there we drove down the block and tried Zaxby's for the first time.  We have had Raising Kane's a few times which is similar but there are no Zaxby's in/near St. Louis.  There are two in Columbia though that have opened in the last six months and we wanted to try it.  The food was good to great, here's a link to the Yelp review I just posted:  Zaxby's review.

From there we ran down the street to Wal-Mart - we could have went to one by the house, but it was on our way home and I needed a HDMI<>DVI connector - long story - and we needed cat litter (seven cats will do that) and a few other things.  I will say that the ladies room in the back of this store was among the nicest and cleanest ones I've ever been in - and I'm not limiting that to Wal-Marts.  It's funny, I've had my new license for maybe six weeks, and one of the reasons I wanted my gender marker changed was so that I'd feel more comfortable using the ladies room, but I hadn't had the occasion to since I got my new license until tonight.  I've obviously done it before as I've mentioned here, but tonight was the first time I actually felt comfortable in there.  It probably sounds silly, especially to any cis-woman who might read this, but for me it was actually almost a milestone to be able to do that *AND* feel completely comfortable doing so.  We dawdled around the store for a while, just enjoying each others company until we finally decided we needed to head home.  The drive home was just as wonderful as the drive up, albeit without the blown tire incident.  I've used the phrase before, but "it was a good day" - no it was a "great" day, and a large portion of that is due to J.  She's so very wonderful and supportive, I could not ask for a better wife/partner/"husband"/confidant/etc than her.  I know I've been a little mopey/crabby lately and I needed a nice day.  Today definitely fit the bill and for that I'm so very grateful to J, Dr. Swenson, and everyone else that I came into contact with.  Days like today really confirm that I've made the correct decision to be Madison.  :)

- M

Transitioning Misconceptions Or Things I Wish Somebody Had Told Me Before I Started To Transition

I did a LOT of research in a short amount of time before I decided I wanted to transition.  Here I am nearly two years since that decision and I realize that there were so many things I didn't know or even worse so many misconceptions I had about transitioning.  I'm reasonably sure that I'm not the only person who can say that and I'm just as sure that the things I'm about to talk about would be different for anyone who transitions.  These are simply things that *I* didn't know or was misinformed/confused/flat out wrong about.

• Laser Hair Removal (LHR) takes a *LONG TIME* and *IS PAINFUL*.  I will acknowledge that I had a lot of facial hair; however, I'm probably 11 sessions in and I'm still not done.  Now most of my darker hairs are gone, although I firmly believe that at least some of them have simply been turned white.  Now that's not the end of the world as the white hairs are not nearly as noticeable as the black hairs were.  I'm actually very happy with the way my face looks these days.  When I see people that say 5 LHR sessions will clear a face, well perhaps the *right* face will be finished in that, but I firmly believe that the majority of people will take longer than the oft quoted number of 5.  As far as the pain, well perhaps I'm just a baby - who am I kidding I *AM*, but it hurts - *A LOT*.  And that's with my using numbing cream first.  I've read some who say it doesn't really hurt and others that it only hurts a little bit.  Perhaps they have higher pain tolerances than I do, perhaps they have less facial hair than I did, but whatever it is, it's been far more painful that I was led to believe.  It's also been pricey.  I've seen a lot of people mention Groupon and perhaps in the right location that's a good option.  I did try it once, since I was already having my face done I elected my arms.  I had 5 sessions and got virtually nothing out of it.  I'm not sure if it was the laser used, or the person doing it, or a combination of both.  Perhaps it is possible to find a good deal on Groupon for LHR that will be effective, but based upon my experience, buyer beware...
  
• HRT is NOT some magic bullet.  Now let me say that my expectations were fairly low as to what it could do for me based upon my age.  Now I'm sure for someone younger it may well do more, but for all of those that seem to think they can start HRT and suddenly be "passable" - well I'm sure it might happen, but how often?  For most of us that is simply a small portion of passing.  Now for me, it has done some things, not as much as I'd like, but at least something.  And it made me feel better which is an important thing, but for those that expect it to do wonders, well I caution you to have reasonable expectations as to what HRT can or will do.
  
• Voice, Voice, Voice.  If I have a regret about my transition it's that I did not work on my voice early on.  I was so concerned about so many other things that it seemed like an afterthought.  Something I could quickly and easily take care of.  I was *WRONG*.  It's been incredibly hard for me and my progress has been very limited.  Again, there are some that probably have a natural feminine voice - my friend D always seemed to.  I'm sure there are plenty of others who have had an easier time of this than I and I'm happy for you and perhaps a bit jealous.  But for those considering transitioning, I *STRONGLY* suggest that you work on your voice early and often.  There is very little worse than being in a position where you are passing, right up until you open your mouth and your voice gives you away.  I've lost track of the number of times I've done that and watched people's expression completely change.  Most of them are polite and don't say anything, but you can still tell that their opinion of you has suddenly changed.  It can turn a great outing into a not so great outing very quickly.
  
• Confidence means everything.  Look, I'm not saying that appearance, voice, and other things don't contribute to passing because they do.  However, no matter how good you look, how great your voice is, and so on; well if you aren't confident you simply won't pass as often as you'd like (or at all).  I cannot say this was a surprise to me, but I had no idea just how important it is.  Early on as I've mentioned elsewhere in this blog I tended to not have any confidence and it showed.  I felt out of place, so I looked out of place.  As time has went by I've gotten over that almost completely and it's made all the difference in the world for me.  I'm sure there are some dissenting opinions on this, but for me it's been the biggest key to helping me pass in public.
  
• The clothing does make the woman.  It doesn't matter if you spend a little or a lot on clothes.  But, what I've found does matter is to dress appropriately.  When I first started cross-dressing and on into when I chose to transition I had a horrible habit of always wanting to wear heels (usually at least 3-4 inch ones), short skirts, bright (almost obnoxious) tops, and so on.  While there is nothing wrong with that in and of itself, if I wanted to "blend in" (which I did), that was not the way to go about it.  How many cis-women to you run into at the grocery store in a mini skirt and 4 inch spike heels?  At my age (currently 43), how many women wear mini-skirts anywhere?  The majority of cis-women in my age demographic dress like "soccer moms" when out casually and "tasteful and elegant" when appropriate.  With M and J's help I feel I've gotten much better about that.  I wear flats a lot, they may not look "as nice" to me, but I blend in much better that way.  My wardrobe still has some things that probably aren't truly age appropriate, yet I still like those things at times.  However, the bulk of things are more "soccer mom" like or what I'd consider tasteful and/or elegant.  I actually feel more confident when I'm out and about in those kinds of clothes because I don't feel like I stick out as much.  Hey, everyone should dress how they want, but if you chose to wear that mini skirt and stilettos to the grocery store or library then don't be surprised when you get a lot of attention that you might not want.
  
• Makeup....  Almost everything I just said about clothes applies to makeup as well.  In my age demographic it seems that subtle and elegant is the norm.  Now I still have my guilty pleasures such as a blush that's probably way to bright, but for the rest of my makeup I do try and look more my age.  That often means things such as skipping the red lipstick for a nice pink or neutral shade, or not using that pretty glitter eye shadow, but it's a small price to pay to better blend in.  And I still find times where I can do those things, I'm just more judicious as to when and where that is.  I also had no idea just how expensive good makeup can be.  Don't get me wrong there is a lot of "drugstore makeup" that I really like, but certain things I do splurge on such as my foundation and it's by no means cheap.  I did the math one time to compare the price of my foundation to the price of gas and my foundation came out to something like $4000 or so per gallon.  Now that's not necessarily fair as that little bottle lasts a long time, but it just boggles my mind at how expensive that little bottle is.  Let me also say that I truly had no idea how much effort it has taken me to become even somewhat proficient at makeup.  J is pretty good, and M is exceptional.  Me on the other hand - well I've gotten better, but I still ask for their help if I'm going somewhere that I want to look my best.  I'm sure one day I'll be good enough and confident enough to not need that, but for now even if I do my own I still try and get one of them to check it over when possible.
  
• Acceptance.  I guess I've been lucky, but outside of work (which is a story of it's own), I've not had any real issues with my transition.  I had a less than positive experience at a restaurant on perhaps my first or second trip out, but beyond that - well I have no real complaints.  I know that plenty of others are not so lucky and in this day and age that disappoints me so very much.  I'm not sure why this really surprises me as there is still racial discrimination going on in places, cis-women still have to fight for equality, and so on.  I think things are better for the LGBTQ community that it was even a few years ago, but there is still so much more to do.  For me personally, my struggle was with work and that's simply not going to change which is unfortunate.  I'd like to think that the job I do matters more than my gender presentation, but in my company apparently not.  I know others fight the same battle and while a lot of people think that they will be protected, the reality as I see it is that in many companies that won't be the case.  Either the protections simply aren't there (as is my case), or the company - or even simply a particular supervisor, will take it upon themselves to make it their goal to get rid of someone simply over their gender presentation.  It can and does happen, it's not right, but it happens.
  
• Weight.  I've long struggled with my weight.  I had heard it would be harder to lose weight once I started HRT, but I ignored that.  Well, now the other shoe has dropped.  Now I have lost a lot of weight (45lbs so far, another 35lbs or so to go), but it's been a huge struggle.  I really wish that I had undertaken this before I started HRT, or for that matter before I transitioned.  It would have made things so much easier.
  
• Purses.  You can take a lot of things away from me, but my purse is NOT one of them.  I wish I would have known just how wonderful one is a long time ago.  I would have carried one back then, social issues or not.  I know this isn't nearly as serious as the above points were, but I wanted to end on a positive note, and I do mean what I said about my purse. :)

I could go on and on, but I think that's a good list of things.  As I said above, anyone else's list may be partially or even completely different, but these are definitely things I wish I would have known or known more about, before I transitioned.  It would've made things much easier for me. :)

- M

Issues With Transitioning At An Older Age, Especially Work Concerns.

Let's face it, the choice to transition brings on a huge amount of challenges to both the person transitioning as well as their family and friends.  I chose to transition later in life for various reasons, many of which have been discussed in this blog.  There are some upsides to that, I'm (hopefully) more mature and as such better prepared to handle the challenges; while we are by no means "well off", we are financially better off at my age than I would have been say 20-25 years ago; on an emotional level I feel I'm better off at my age as well.  However, there are also quite a few downsides to transitioning later in life.  One of the more obvious is that HRT likely cannot nor will not do as much for me as it would someone half my age.  However, the big one in my mind is that I have more to lose now than ever.

I've been incredibly blessed in that I have a loving and supporting wife (J), and a caring and supportive ex-wife/best friend/"sister" (M).  Without their support and help, I never would have been able to transition.  Many are not as lucky as I am, they lose spouses, SO's, and/or family over it.  In my case, my family was basically already lost, mostly by my choice.  Now there are a couple of exceptions, one uncle/aunt as well as the wife of one of my cousins have all been incredibly supportive; but everyone else - well not much has changed there despite many of them being fully aware of my transition.  Losing a family, be it a birth family, or a "chosen family" - that's the term I use for what I consider my family now (J, M, my daughter P, and even M's husband M2); well that can be an emotional hit that some cannot handle or recover from and that's a shame.  Sometimes it's the stigma of being considered a lesbian (in the case of MtF like me), or gay (FtM), other times it may simply be "not what they signed up for" to use the term I use often, or it may be for other reasons.  Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of success stories out there, and I would include myself in that group, but they are far harder to find than those that involve this kind of loss.  Perhaps that's simply because the success stories don't feel as much of a need to share, perhaps it's simply because there are less of them - which is unfortunately what I believe.  But regardless, for those that have supportive family, I sincerely hope that you appreciate what you have as so many do not.

Since my family isn't really an issue with me, what is my biggest "concern"?  Well it's my job.  My job has been one of the few things in my transition that did not go well and that to this day really hurts me for reasons I'll get into now.  I do work from home and I like my job.  The company I work for is VERY small, just a few of us actually.  Small enough that most government protections, including ENDA even it ever makes it into law, do nothing to "protect" me.  Additionally, our company is incorporated in one state, is physically located in another state, and I physically am located/work in a third state.  Laws obviously vary by state and just from my own research there have been court cases (not necessarily related to gender issues) that have provided conflicting decisions on this particular topic.  So these things all add up to making pursuing any sort of legal remedy an absolute last resort as it would likely get expensive and there are just too many variables to even remotely have an idea on potential success.

I initially had several paragraphs discussing how everything went down, but in hindsight I removed them as truthfully they aren't necessarily relevant and there may well become a day where I'd wish I hadn't discussed all the details in a public forum for legal reasons.  That being said I did feel for a great many reasons that the company should have been supportive of me or at least accepting.  Instead of discussing it with me and how it could work, they preferred to discuss things with a lawyer.  That really hurt me as I've bled for this company and that's how I was treated?  Part of me wanted to walk away at the time, but the reality is that I do like my job and I am paid a decent amount - not what I'd like and probably not what I'm worth, but enough that it would be hard to go elsewhere (isn't that always the case?)...

So I backed off with them.  I told them I had changed my mind and had no plans for GRS/SRS so they would no longer have to worry about me showing up to work as a woman, which at the time was 100% true and is still is true as while I'd like it, I have no actual plans for it at this time.  I was very careful with my wording about what I said and NEVER said I would not transition, and I have been true to my word.  I have continued to be <old name> as far as work is concerned, including on the phone, in email, and in person when I've had to travel.  At first it really didn't bother me, but as I've gotten further along it has bothered me more and more.  Part of it is the fact that I am happier now as Madison and to have to be <old name> for work, well it stinks.  Part of it is that I've traveled more in the last year than I had in the previous 3-4 years combined which means I have to present as <old name> in public more than I'd like.

I'm far from the only one who hasn't had transitioning and work go well; in fact I'd speculate that the number of people in the same/similar position as me is far higher than the number of those who have a supportive or at least accepting work place.  While I do not like that, I realize it is simply the reality of the world I currently reside in.  Will it change for the better?  I sincerely hope so, looking back over this countries history would seem to indicate that it likely will.  Unfortunately for me, by the time it does it will be too late; but I can also accept that as I know I have things better now than it was say 10, 20, 30 years ago when I might have chosen to transition.

As I've discussed with my therapist Kelly, I try and take a pragmatic view of my work situation.  I do have a job I like, I do have a job that pays me reasonably, I do have a job that allows me to ensure that J and P can live in a reasonably nice house with the majority of things they would like in life.  They are far more important to me than being able to be "Madison" at work.

Would I be happier and probably more productive if I could?  I would say yes.  Don't get me wrong, I work just as hard as I did before this came up.  But I am now much closer to an 8-5 employee than I was before.  I'm salaried so there was no financial benefit to working those extra hours before; but it's the kind of person I am.  No matter what company I have worked for - big or small - I have always been one to believe that what is good for the company is ultimately good for me in some way.  The fact that my boss tends to do it as well - well that made it easier for me to do.  Now, I'm not saying I don't put in some time in the evenings and/or weekends these days, but it's a far, far cry from what I used to.  They are paying me for 40 hours of work and they get 40 hours of hard work, and generally a few extra; but not the extra 10-20 hours they used to get.  It's easy to say "so what", but in a company our size that's a lot of extra (and free) productivity that has been lost.

As I said above, I'm far from the only person who has work issues related to transitioning.  I see this a lot on Reddit, and so on.  Some people seem to be pragmatic like me and do what they feel they need to do to maintain their job and I have plenty of respect for that.  We all need to do what we need to do.  However, some people take a different view on that and believe that when there are work issues that you should "stand up and fight" for lack of a better phrase.  I do understand where they are coming from, throughout history it has been people who have stood up that have led to reforms/changes and I have the utmost respect for those people.  However, for those of us that are older, well it becomes harder to do that as in many cases we may have more to lose.  We may have a mortgage, car payments, a family to take care of, and so on.  That's not to say younger people cannot or do not have those things, as many do.  But there was a point in my life where I was probably old enough to have transitioned and was not yet married, did not have a child, and did not have really any expenses at all.  I was still living at home and perhaps it would have caused me to have to move out, but back then I had enough money saved that I could have supported myself for at least several months if need be.  Considering I was working "fast food" at the time as a shift manager and then later an assistant manager I'm fairly sure I could have found another job as a woman and worked my way back up, despite the environment being even less accepting then than it is now.

So for those people on Reddit and elsewhere that seem to consistently dispense advice such as "you should call HR", or "you should get a lawyer", and so on.  Well, I really question if they have really thought those pieces of advice all the way through.  Reality is that HR departments are for the companies benefit and protection, not that of the employee.  Are there exceptions to that?  I'd like to think so, but I really believe those are in the minority.  Lawyers tend to get expensive quickly, and yes I know there are some that will take things on a contingency basis or even pro bono, but again I suspect those are in the large minority.  And again, reality is that it's very easy in most states and most jobs to get rid of somebody when a company - or even a supervisor wants to get rid of somebody.  As I've discussed before, I have very little nice to say about my father, but growing up he was a restaurant manager and one thing he said that has stuck with me all of these years is that "employees breathe wrong".  It may not be right, and it may not be that way at every company, but it can and does happen to people.  That's not even getting into the discussion about "at will employment".  In a perfect world, I'm sure most, if not all, that transition would like to be able to transition at work with no consequences and if there were they would like to be able to do something about it.  But unfortunately for many of us, it's simply not reality and we have to do what is best for us, our family, and so on.

I think I've written enough now, probably way too much, so I'll wrap this up now.  I have to go onsite to a site in the morning, so I've got some prep work to do.  It was a site that I installed probably 12 years ago and supported until I left my old company.  Since I've left, the relationship between that customer and my old company has gotten very toxic.  The customer finally reached out to my boss since we're the developers of the software and he's tried to make things "better" as even though we derive almost no income from them - just a small amount of software maintenance; definitely far less than what he's already spent in just his time, not to mention mine.  He's sent me out to the site twice already (with someone from my old company) to identify their issues and we've actually made some modifications to the current version of our software for them specifically.  It's gotten so bad, that he agreed to send me out there to help upgrade them to the current version.  It's not so much that I mind doing it as it was a customer I really did like, but it means being <old name> in public for several hours tomorrow and as I said above, I'm now at the point where it really does bother me to have to be out in public like that.  But again, "it is what it is"...  Have a great day.

Edit:  I just realized I didn't put a photo in here and as such there's no "thumbnail".  So here's one from the other day, I had to get my lab work done before I go to see my HRT Doctor and I went grocery shopping. :)

- M

My Wife, and That Makes Me the Husband

It has been a long time since Madison first wrote me and asked if I would be okay with her making the journey to become a woman.  I was supportive from the first second I read it and I still am now.  It has been easier for us a couple to do this then it is for many.  Honestly, it has been easier overall that I first thought it would be.  Still, this transition has had its fair share of bumps, and I am sure it still will.

One major bump we have not gotten over is going certain places.  Madison posted about this a while back.  She worries about what the consequences are for others too much sometimes.  My parents accept and love her as Madison, but Madison still worries about what the fall-out might be for them if she goes places with them.  While I admire her concern for others, it bugs me a lot that she misses out on things or doesn't enjoy herself as much because of this concern.

Another issue is my mistakes in saying things.  Sometimes out of the blue I will say he instead of her.  When Madison first starting becoming Madison I was very careful with what I said.  Once she picked the name Madison I made sure to say it as often as possible.  I also made a point to say she and her as much as possible.  Now I only see Madison as a woman so I don't have to think about saying she, but as I said, once in a while he comes out.  It really pisses me off because I don't think about her as anything other than female.  I know it shocks her and gets under her skin.  Another thing I have done is made a joke (we tease each other a lot) about sex and how things have changed.  It really bugged her one time when I did this.  I felt terrible, but feeling sorry doesn't fix things.  While I never want to hurt her, I also don't want to change how we have been, a fun loving, teasing couple.  Still, it really bothers me that I do hurt her with what I say.  I have never made a remark that was intentionally meant to hurt her about her transition, but these small missteps to me are just as bad.

Maintenance is another on-going concern.  Madison needs help shaving her body hair, and I am happy to help, but it does take me a long time to do it right.  I usually try to make it a nice experience by starting in the tub where I add bubble bath or bath salts.  That helps soften some of the hair and I can work on her arms while we soak.  Even with the bath it still takes a long time for me to help her with the areas she needs help with.  She gets bored and frustrated with how long it takes, and that even though the HRT has helped some, and how quickly the hair grows back.  This is an area I really wish I could help her more about.  If she is going to go out in nice clothes she has to be freshly shaved.  Skin can only take so much so, doing the shaving daily isn't a good idea or really possible with both our jobs.  So most times we shave her once a week.  Even that is really not enough and I feel bad about that.  I also feel bad that she needs the help.  She is becoming so independent with her hair, clothes, make-up and so on that this is one area she currently is reliant on me, and really considering some of the areas I help her with I don't see this changing.

The overall point is that a lot has had to change since Madison decided to become Madison.  We both have had to change.  Some changes have been easy, while others have been hard.  While the above are ones I worry about the most are there are other ones that really make me into the husband.

I am not good at make-up and therefore I have to rely on M to help us.  Sure I have watched, and I really need to do more watching and asking questions, but the reality is I will never be as good at make-up as M is and Madison potently can be.  Its the same as her hair, and making outfits match, I will always struggle with these.  I don't care that I don't have the talent, I care that I am not the best person to help her.  Support comes in all forms, but making someone feel good about their appearance is so important.  I am truly grateful that M is in our lives to help Madison, but at the same time she reminds me that I am more boy than girl when it comes to these things, and that is not helpful to Madison.

Another way I am really a husband and not a wife is that I don't wear heels or spend as much time caring how I look.  I do wear make-up to work and I make a small effort, but it is not the same as the effort that I give when she and I go out.  I want to look nice for her, but again I am not a make-up guru and so my overall turn-out isn't that great.  In turn my not wearing heels causes concern with her height.  It causes her to reconsider shoe choice and it makes picture taking a thought process.  Honestly, she bought me a really cute pair of booties, but I am a pussy and feel they are really high.  I just need to suck it up and wear them a few hours at a time around the house and get my confidence.  Then I can justify getting an everyday pair of heels to wear on our shopping trips and then she can wear whatever she wants, that would only be fair.

Finally, the last overall concern that I am really the husband (I don't care that I am, I care about the actions) is that I forget things--important things.  I suck, really suck at recalling dates.  I can tell you about our first date in great detail, but I don't know what day it happened.  I also have forgotten more than once how long we have been together.  These things seem minor, but when you love someone who recalls all these and does nice things for each of them I feel really stupid.  I also do notice when Madison makes extra effort to look and smell nice before I come home, but sometimes I don't say anything.  Or I do things like not let her know right away when I am going to be late and I know she is cooking a special dinner of things I really like, that usually she does not like.  I recall growing up that my dad was really good about bring my mom flowers every week, but he would forget the actual date of her birthday and the birthday's of my brother and I, which would piss my mom off.  I also forget little details like the names of the perfumes she wears and the names of the songs that she likes.  While all these things seem little, they all add up and cause a lot of disappointment.  Madison is my whole world and when I hurt her feelings it just kills me.  Now that she has become such a lady and one who reacts (I hate to say this) with almost stereotypical emotions, it hurts me even more when I upset her.

I know as people, no one is perfect, but I expect more of myself so I can be supportive.  Madison took a huge risk to do this and making sure she feels comfortable and protected through the entire process and forever is very important to me.  Seeing her happy makes my whole world brighter.  Few people realize how this process really works, and how it works in a marriage or long-term relationship other than badly.  A lot of marriages and relationships end over these changes.  We did not want that and we have work really hard to prevent that.  Changing roles, learning to be more aware when I speak, and make sure my wife feels pretty has been very good learning experiences for me.  A husband protects, provides, comforts, and supports and this husband plans on doing that to the best of her ability for a long, long time.

- J

Transgender And Therapy - So What's It Like?

Some of the most common questions that I run across on places such as Reddit are things like "I've got my first therapist visit coming up, what is it like?", or "What should I tell my therapist?", and so on.  I had similar questions of my own nearly two years ago when I decided I wanted to transition and despite all the information I found on other things, I really didn't find much specific information about this part of the transition experience.  In hindsight, I wish I would have started this blog earlier and written about my earlier sessions while they were fresh in my mind, but alas what's done is done.

Since I can't do that, what I can do is talk about it in general terms as well as what it's evolved into for me.  As a little background, I've been seeing my therapist (Kelly) for nearly two years now.  When I chose to transition and researched things, I knew I wanted SRS/GRS eventually so I knew I'd need authorization letters for that, as such it made sense to me to go the "traditional" route of seeing a therapist prior to HRT rather than either "do it yourself" or "informed consent".  I really had no idea what to look for in a therapist, so I spent as much time Googling this and that as I could and I narrowed my choices down to three.  Kelly was not actually the first one I contacted, I happened to contact another therapist who (at least at the time) was at the same location as Kelly.  The reason I settled on the other therapist was that her hours were a little more "open" so to speak and considering the drive (about 45 minutes each way as she's near Webster Groves and I'm way out in St. Charles County) that was a consideration.

Upon trading emails with this therapist, she recommended I see Kelly instead and since she had been on my short list I was amenable to that, so she was kind enough to forward my information along.  I couldn't be happier with how that has worked out, I can't say enough nice and kind things about Kelly.  I initially saw her every two weeks, as I said the drive and the time away from work was a concern.  Over time that become once a month, then every two months, now basically every three months.  I continue to see her for a couple of reasons, in no particular order.  Among them are that at some point I will need two letters for surgery and I'd prefer to keep in contact with her until that time comes; another is that it's simply nice to be able to discuss this or that with somebody who "doesn't have a dog in the fight" so to speak.  However, the single biggest reason is that *every time* I leave a session, I feel better than when I walked in.  The first session, J and D went with me and I remember the moments between walking out of Kelly's office until I got back in the car with J and D as among the best moments of my life.  One other session really stood out, it was mid to late last year, I don't remember exactly when, but I happened to go by myself that day and for whatever reason when I left, I honestly felt happier than I have *ever* felt, with the possible exception of the day J agreed to marry me.  I remember stopping for lunch on my way home, it was the first time I ate out alone and it was a wonderful experience.

But enough about me and all that, the purpose of this was to give a little insight as to what goes on in a therapist visit so that's what I'll do.  Now before I do that, let me share an obligatory photo so this blog entry has a thumbnail.  This wasn't the original outfit I picked out, but I changed skirts at the last minute and the top I had chosen really didn't go with it, and then of course my shoes, earrings, necklace, etc., had to be changed. :)

Now let me first say that my visits these days differ a bit from my first few visits.  As I said it's been nearly two years since the first visit so I don't have the recollection of it like I did then, but basically it went a little something like this.  I arrived a few minutes early and once Kelly realized I was there she had me fill out several forms, among them personal information, and so on.  I'll admit I was less than comfortable as I was out as "Madison" for perhaps only the 2nd or 3rd time, and despite J and D having come with me I was alone at this point.  Once I finished the forms and Kelly was ready she took me back to her office.  Walking in there was the stereotypical couch for me to sit on, and I believe I made some lame joke about lying on the couch that she's probably heard a million times.  Once we were situated, she (re)introduced herself and went over a brief outline of basically her qualifications.  I had read about a lot of that online, but it was a nice way to start things.  It was then my turn and I basically gave her a 3-5 minute overview of me and what I was looking for which was to transition from male to female and start hormones.  At some point, she bluntly asked me if I was simply there to get a letter for HRT.  The bluntness sort of threw me for a second, but I had given that question thought before making the appointment and that was *NOT* the only reason I was there, if so I could have used an online therapist or found somebody to pencil whip what I needed.  I was there to help make sure this was really what I wanted to do - I believed it was, but I wanted - no needed - to be sure as some changes would simply not be reversible, including the relationship dynamic with J, and I wanted to be sure this was right for me.  In hindsight, I actually really appreciate how blunt Kelly was about that as I think it helped confirm to me early on that she was a good choice for a therapist for me.  I don't want somebody that would just sit there and be a "yes-person" for me, I wanted somebody who not only could, but would, ask the hard questions and make me think and Kelly is one of those people.

The balance of the session consisted of me basically going over my life, at least as it related to why I thought transitioning was right for me.  Don't get me wrong, Kelly did NOT ask, nor expect, me to justify anything, she just wanted to have the background information.  I would assume both to be able see that I met the WPATH criteria for HRT, as well as to get an idea of what we should discuss going forward.  I wasn't quite sure where to start and she told me start wherever I felt comfortable so I started as a child, fairly young, when I first started to "borrow" Mom's clothes and such.  I worked my way through my formative years, high school, and so on.  Kelly would let me talk, and when I'd reach a "pausing point" so to speak she'd ask me to elaborate on this or that to sort of fill in things that perhaps I might have "glossed over" a bit, etc.  I don't really recall how far we got that day, but before I knew it our hour (well 50 minutes) was up.  As I said when I walked out to the car where J and D were waiting, I felt like a huge boulder had been lifted off of me.

When I went back two weeks later for my next session, I picked up where I left off and discussed my life up to the current time.  I finished that up about halfway through the second session, including elaborating on some things in particular, such as my interactions during high school as an example - since for most of us that's a very formative time in our lives.  At that point we got back to my goals about transitioning.  We discussed HRT, I knew the pros and cons already, including what things would be non-reversible, what would be partially reversible, and so on.  Children weren't a concern as I had one and I had been "fixed" 18 years prior.  We discussed J and how she felt, as well as the rest of my "support system" - which basically consisted of M and D at the time.  My daughter P, well we hadn't discussed it with her directly, though I had dressed "female" around the house for years so while I'm not really sure she knew what was going on, I'm sure she had some idea.  J, M, and I had already discussed me speaking to her about it and we assumed that would go well (which it did).  We discussed my work situation, which I knew would be dicey at best, but many (most?) of us who transition can say the same.  At this point she told me she was comfortable writing my letter and would have a "first draft" at my next session.  I brought up bringing J with me to the next session, at least for part of it.  I did that for two reasons, the first was that I wanted to make sure I included J in everything since it would affect her to, and secondly, I thought that if J had any "concerns" that she might be more willing to voice them in that environment than with me.

Since I'm talking about J, here's a picture of the two of us today.  She's the most wonderful thing I could ever have asked for.  :)

J did go to that third session, I spent a few minutes with Kelly by myself, partially just to talk and go over what she had written for my letter, and partially to see if there were any "ground rules" as to what she could ask/discuss with J.  I appreciated her asking that, but I told her anything was fair game and I meant it.  J then spent maybe 20 minutes in with Kelly alone, and then the last 20 or so was spent with us both in there talking, she also committed to have my letter finished at my next session which allowed me to start looking into a Doctor to handle my HRT, but that's a story for another day.  To this day I believe bringing J to that session (and she's been to a couple since, including one a couple of months ago) was a great idea for a lot of reasons and when possible I strongly recommend involving your SO in therapy when possible, with emphasis on the "when possible".  My fourth session was a couple of weeks later, I actually by then had talked to P, so I took M and P with me and did the same thing.  Kelly and I spent about 10 minutes together going over the final draft of my letter.  I know that sounds weird, but she's incredibly thorough, which is a quality that I personally greatly appreciate and have a lot of respect for.  There were a couple of things that we decided could be worded better and she offered to correct them before I left, but it was going to be nearly two months until I could see Dr. Swenson (the Doctor I settled on) so I told her I was in no hurry and could get it next time.  Kelly then talked to P and M for about 20 minutes, and then all of us for the last 20 or so.  There was a bit of humor apparently while I was out of the room as the question came up as to what they "called me".  P still called me "Dad" - which I'm fine with as biologically I am her Dad; and M dropped her pet name for me which is Tinkerbell.  In past sessions when Kelly had asked me I said P used "Dad" and everyone else in the house more or less used "Madison" which was true, I hadn't thought about the occasional "Tinkerbell" coming up so it was a nice little bit of levity once we were all back in there.

Sessions since then pretty much fall under the same thing now.  I'm far more comfortable so I can actually make some eye contact, which has come up before and as I explained to Kelly, that's always been an issue as I am naturally submissive and eye contact doesn't come easily to me.  At this point I am seeing her every three months give or take, and I normally just talk about whatever is on my mind.  Do I necessarily need to keep going?  Probably not, but as I said above, at some point I will need a surgery letter, but more importantly, when I leave there each time I feel better than when I got there and as such I believe it's good for me to continue to see Kelly, even if it is only every few months.

I know therapy is not for everyone, in fact up until two years ago it wasn't for me - gender issues or not.  But I have changed my tune on that over those last two years.  I'm sure not every therapist is as good at what they do as Kelly is, and perhaps there are ones that are better, but she's been the right choice for me and I'd recommend her in a heartbeat to anyone in/around St. Louis looking for a gender therapist.

- M

Weight Loss Redux

I had a couple of posts a few months ago about my ongoing weight loss.  Just as a recap, I was about 260lbs at my heaviest and need/want to get down to at least 180lbs.  The number would put me at about a BMI of 28 which is the maximum that Dr. McGinn will perform GRS/SRS.  Most other surgeons have weight limits of one sort or another, but hers seems to be the strictest in terms of weight and I want to keep all options open.

I dropped about 30lbs fairly quickly over the 8 weeks while J was out of town for her training.  Over the holidays and post-orchiectomy my weight fluctuated up and down, I got as low as about 225lbs and got back up to between 235-240lbs.  I basically settled in about 230lbs which was where I was months ago and was frustrated.

I finally invested in FitBit One's for J and myself (and M for that matter) and their Aria scale.  I had been manually tracking my weight in Excel and had been doing a little exercise, but not a lot.  Well the scale has been a huge help as it's taken the drudgery out of maintain the Excel spreadsheet.  Now I do "cheat" a bit and only keep my "best" weight of the day, but I figure that day over day that's close enough for me.  The other thing I like about it is that it calculates body fat.  Now the accuracy of the way they calculate it isn't the best way to do it, but again day over day it gives me a frame of reference.  That frame of reference is important since the value goes up the less hydrated you are and I have trouble with that because of the blood pressure medication and the Spiro.  When I see the value go up by more than a couple of percent from what I consider "normal" I know I need to get more water in my system.  That sounds like a simple proposition, but with the two different diuretics it's often harder than it sounds, much less adding in what I sweat out from my exercise.

That leads to the second benefit, the tracker itself.  I work at a desk all day and am not very active.  Based upon the tracker I seem to get between 1500 and 3000 steps a day which is far below what I need.  Our treadmill tracks steps, but it's only quasi-accurate, but the FitBit One is small enough I can wear all the time (usually attached to my bra) and see exactly where I'm at.  I try to hit 5 miles a day at a minimum which equates to between about 10000 and 12500 steps depending upon how much of my steps are on the treadmill since I walk much faster on that than my normal walking.  The 5 miles is my minimum target, usually it's closer to 7 or so, with a high of a touch over 17 one day (nearly 39000 steps).  Now there are days I don't meet that, if I don't feel well, if I'm making a dinner that takes a lot of time, or if I'm incredibly busy with work as I like to walk 20-30 minutes at a time several times per day.  I try and get at least 3 of those short sessions in during the day (a morning break, lunch, and an afternoon break), but that's not always feasible.  On nights that J walks we may do 20 minutes or we may go upwards of a hour depending on if she works the next day and/or when we can get downstairs.  She walks to various Leslie Sansone videos which I used to make fun of, but some of hers are intense.  We've also started walking the neighborhood.  We live in a group of connected subdivisions, I really consider it one large one, but there are multiple builders and within that different sized houses.  M found that if we walk from our house to the very back of the farthest subdivision and back it's right about 5 miles.  It is funny, our trackers all measure about the same distance, but I get a good 10% more steps than J or M, apparently I have a shorter stride than they do which puzzles me since I'm taller, but whatever.

We've had the trackers for about 10 weeks now and while I'm still watching what I eat within reason, I'm not counting calories as much as I was before, but with the increased activity I'm still losing weight.  I've lost 10-12lbs over that time which is only a bit over 1lb a week.  I'd rather lose 2lbs per week, but I can live with the 1lb since I'm not really dieting very much.  I've actually managed to be under 220lbs for 7 days straight now which is an accomplishment for me since not only have I gotten to that level I've been able to maintain it.  I'm to the point now where I'm working on 5lb goals, so 215 is my next target, hopefully in a week or two since I'm around 217 now.

I guess I'll wrap it up now, I could use a quick walk since I've been lazy today and haven't been down there yet. :)

- M

Transgender And Sacrifices

During the 22 months or so since I chose to transition I've made sacrifices.  Some of them have been financial as things such as laser hair removal and basically an entire new wardrobe aren't necessarily cheap.  Some of them have been emotional as while I was never exactly a "social butterfly" before, it has left me a bit isolated.  But those and any other sacrifices that I've made are things I accept as the "price of doing business" so to speak.  I don't expect any sympathy for them, nor want any sympathy for them as they have come from a choice I (and J) made and I'm perfectly fine with that.  Do I wish I could have done this with no sacrifices?  Of course I do, but I don't dwell on them.

So I'm not really here to talk about those "self-sacrifices" that I've made or will make going forward; but rather those sacrifices that others have made for me.  It's those sacrifices that remind me just how much certain people care for and about me.  No matter how down a day I may have, and yes despite my usual chipper attitude in this blog, I do have down days; I can always take solace from all the love and support I have gotten and continue to get from others.

In some cases, it's simple little things like a couple of friends of ours inviting me (and/or J) out to dinner with them and treating me just like one of the group.  We don't do it all that often as they only get together every so often and on occasions it's a day where I have other things going on that I have to take care of, such as the trip to see my HRT Doctor (90 minutes each way, plus the time to see her), or some other plans, but when I do get out with them it's a great reminder that despite my formerly anti-social behavior, that I do have at least a few people out there who consider me a friend and that means a lot.

In the same vein, the few times my extended family has included us family functions has been wonderful.  The first one was very difficult for me to attend, in fact I struggle about it for a long time, up to the moment we pulled up to the hall where the party was to be.  In fact, J and I drove past it several times while I debated if I really wanted to attend.  We did, and I was glad I did.  The same went with a post holiday Christmas get together.  I struggled with going, but in the end I was glad we did.

So what are the sacrifices there?  Well in the first case, probably not much of one.  But it's the thought that counts.  However, in the case of the extended family, apparently there was some sacrifice as some other family members (my brothers family, my sisters family, and my father) all elected not to show up and at least some of them had in fact committed to attend prior to me choosing to attend.  Thankfully my Uncle stood his ground and made us welcome there, but considering it at least at the time alienated his own brother (my father) it was a sacrifice on his part that meant a lot to me.

But the bigger sacrifices come closer to home and those are from M and J.  I could go on and on for a long time about the ones they have made and continue to make, but rather than do that, I feel it's better served to simply say how much those sacrifices mean to me and how appreciative I am for them.  I do joke around with J that "I'm not allowed at her store" since she's never dragged me out there - at least not since she officially got promoted and transferred there.  Now we did visit it while she was in training, but nobody knew who we were and I was dressed very androgynous at the time.  But all joking aside, neither of the two of them bat an eyelash about taking me anywhere or pretty much doing anything for me.  Some might think I should expect that, especially from J.  Well I don't.  I'm grateful for every little thing she does and never feel entitled to anything.  In fact I believe that feeling entitled is a quick way to cause issues in any relationship.  Once you feel entitled, it's really easy to take things for granted, and once you start doing that it becomes less of a loving and caring partnership and that in my opinion leads down a path that I will not ever go.

I think that'll do it for now, have a wonderful day.

- M

How My Transition Affects Those I Care About....

I've been a little quiet the last few days and the reason is that I knew my next post was to be my 100th in this blog - well I've only got 98 technically as 2 of them are J's, but it's the 100th total post in this blog and I wanted a topic that I felt was not only Transgender related, but also one I felt strongly about.  Well after thinking about it the last few days I've settled on a topic.  That topic is "How My Transition Affects Those I Care About".  Let me warn you in advance, this is going to be a long entry.  Long enough that I'd normally chop it up into two parts, but in this case I'm going to say everything I have to say, so I apologize in advance for the length of this entry.  At least the movie "Eurotrip" is on TBS right now as I write this.  It's one of my guilty pleasures and will make writing this much easier for me as I always seem to do better when I'm in an upbeat mood and this movie does that for me. <G>

However, while that title is accurate for what I'm about to write, it's also probably not really what you'd think.  I would hope that by now it's clear that both J and I feel that my transition was among the (if not the single ) best thing that could have possibly happened to us.  I'd like to think the same can be said of my relationships with my daughter P, and even my ex-wife/best friend M.

That being said, while I feel my transition has went very well, it was by no means easy.  It was very hard for me at first to present as Madison.  I was concerned, no really the word should be worried, about what others would think when they saw me in public.  I was by no means passable at all, in fact below is a picture of me from just the other day along side a picture of the first time I went out as Madison - the latter is not a photo I'm very proud of to say the least.  In fact I tend to joke with both J and M as to how they let me leave the house looking like that.

Now, the above photos are approximately 22 months apart, 40lbs apart, and 16 months of HRT apart.  But what really sets them apart for me is how much happier I feel I look in the current photo versus the one from my "first attempt" at going out in public as Madison.


However, the biggest difference between the two of them for me is really how I *felt* going out.  Back then I was scared and nervous about going out, now I'm happy to be going out and I have a nice time whenever I leave the house.  It took some time, but I can honestly say that I really *DO NOT CARE* what anyone in public thinks of me or my appearance or anything else about me.

So how is all of this relevant to the topic at hand?  Well, even though 22 long months ago I was scared and nervous about going out, I also felt that I could handle it.  I've always felt that for anything I did, I could accept whatever good, or bad, came from it.  What I've had a harder time dealing with, and the topic of this blog entry, is how my transition can and does affect those that I care about.

Early on, I was incredibly concerned about how J and M could/would handle how *I* was perceived in public.  I knew there would be stares, I assumed there would be snide or even out and out nasty comments, and so on.  I was not sure that they were up to all of that, and I definitely did not believe they should have to deal with that.  So early on I did not go out often as Madison, and those times that I did, it was mostly to see my therapist Kelly, and then to see my HRT Doctor (Dr. Swenson), but beyond that not so much.  As I had gotten rid of my male clothes a few months in, if I did go out I tended to present as androgynous as I could.  Now, let me make it clear that this was *my problem*.  J and M both were incredibly supportive and said they were NOT worried about any of those things I was worried about, but I just could not bring myself to believe that.  However, over time I did learn to believe that and as I've talked about often in this blog, my experiences have been almost completely good to great.

But the above paragraph or two is not the real impetus for this blog entry.  I have long since been at ease in regards to J and M being out in public with me.  The real reason this particular topic hits close to home right now is in regards to others such as J's parents.  Now let me first say how incredibly nice and supportive they have been to me in person; and I have no reason to believe that it is anything other than genuine.  It's to the point for me that I really do consider them the closest thing I have to parents despite the fact that my birth parents are alive and well (at least to my knowledge).  I hope that gives anyone reading this an idea of just how much I care about them and how much respect I have for them.  And that care and respect is not because of anything they have done for J, P, and/or myself, but rather because I believe they are two wonderful people who have raised a daughter that means absolutely everything to me; because I believe they are people who "do the right thing", which has been something I've had a few problems with in the past; because they have accepted me into their family - both as <old male name> and now as Madison; because I feel they actually care about me, more than it would appear my genetic parents seem to, but mostly because they are the kind of people that I wish my own parents had been more like.  And therein lines my quandary.

It's one thing for them to invite me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner as Madison.  They did this despite the fact that they had friends over, albeit friends that are fully aware of my transition, but yet they included me with no reservations.  But it's one thing to be invited into their home with a few close friends of theirs, but it's a whole different ballgame when it comes to being out in public with them as Madison.  Once again, I'm happy with my decision to transition, and I'm comfortable being out in public as Madison regardless of what others things as I can handle whatever reactions people have.  But to put her parents in that situation, well to quote the line I've said in relation to J, "it's not what they signed up for".

This has sort of come to a head recently.  I was baptized Lutheran and attended church with my grandparents whenever I was with them on a Sunday, which was quite a bit during my "formative years".  I was never a fan of church, as I suspect a lot of kids at that age wouldn't have been.  As I grew older, I grew apart from my grandparents for a variety of reasons, some of which I regret, others, well not so much.  My parents themselves never attended church so I didn't either, at least not on any regular basis.  I attended a Catholic church service once or twice with a particular "girlfriend" if you could call her that, and in hindsight I guess I really don't consider her that.  I also went visited my paternal grandparents church (a Presbyterian church) a couple of times, but other than that, not really anything else.

However, as I've gotten older, church has become something that has some appeal to me.  I can't really say why, perhaps it's simply me feeling my mortality as I've aged.  Regardless of the why, it has become something that I'm interested in.  J and I have been to her parents church a handful of times over the last few years and truthfully each time I've actually enjoyed it for a variety of reasons.  However, the times I've attended it was either completely pre-transtion when I was still <old male name>, or for the last couple (during my transition), I chose to go with an androgynous look.  Perhaps that was misguided of me, but I did that for two reasons.  The first was that it was still fairly early in my transition and I still was not totally comfortable in public as Madison.  The second was that I did NOT want her parents to have to deal with any questions or "flack" from me appearing as Madison.  It is a small church and the congregation does seem to skew older and I was not really sure how they would handle it.  Because of that, I felt it was inappropriate of me to show up as "Madison".

Now that my birth certificate, drivers license, etc., all say "Madison" and all say "Female", I'm no longer comfortable going out unless I'm presenting completely as Madison like I am in the above photo (the left one <G>).  It's who I am and how I want to present.  So that leaves me with a few options:

• Don't go to church, basically the status quo.
• Pick a different church.  
• Bite the bullet and go to J's parents church and present androgynous.
• Bite a bigger bullet and go to J's parents church presenting as Madison - ie who I am.

I can live with the first option if I have to, but it's not the choice I really want to make.  The second option might be just fine, but the bigger issue for me is that J's schedule rotates and we could only go a couple of times every two months (when her rotation has her off on Sunday's) and I'm not really ready to commit to being a "member" (or whatever the proper term is) of the church, not to mention that J and I are now a "same sex couple" and may or may not be welcome at any given church.  Option three, well even a few months ago I could have lived with that, but now - well truthfully it's the least attractive of the four.

So that leaves me with either the first option - not going at all, or the last, going to J's parents church as Madison.  The thought of that does not bother me in the least, but I just cannot get over how it might impact her parents.  J has tried to convince me that it's not a big deal; but when she says it, she doesn't seem to have the same conviction that she has about other things. I simply cannot tell if she really means it when she says they are fine with it, or if she is just trying to spare my feelings and as long as I cannot tell the difference, well I just cannot in good conscience put her parents in that position as like I said, "it's not what they signed up for".  

Now, it's not all about a visit to church, I have the same concern about doing anything in public with them - or for that matter most other people - I just care about them more than I do almost anyone else.  Hopefully at some point we can figure this out, but until then, well I guess it's status quo.

Again, sorry for this being so long and if you are actually still reading this, thank you. :)

- M

Answering Questions About Being Transgender....

I ran across a video yesterday, both via my Facebook feed, and via a wonderful Google+ Transgender group that I'm in, of Janet Mock asking some rather "personal" questions about being a cis-woman to Alicia Menendez of AM Tonight.  The video is well worth watching if you have not seen it.  Now, before I get into what I have to say here today, let me say that I have the utmost respect and admiration for Janet Mock.  As open as I am about being a trans-woman, I don't know that I could ever have put myself out there like she has.

That being said, while the questions are on occasion more personal than I'd like, I tend to feel it is more beneficial to answer most, if not all of them, than to avoid them and/or get offended/upset.  Why do I feel that way?  Well, perhaps I'm overly idealistic, but I like to think that it is better for not only myself, but hopefully other trans-men and trans-women to try and educate people about things.  Is it rude of people to ask me about my "parts"?  Yes it is, just as it would be rude to ask a cis-gender person about theirs.  But even this question, I answer, albeit with a simple "That's a bit personal, but since you asked, I'm pre-op, but I plan to have surgery at some point."  Another common semi-rude question would be "so who's the boy?", and depending upon who is asking the question that one will be answered either jokingly with "J is", or more seriously something along the lines of "we don't define our relationship that way, we love each other as we are and we are happy with that.".

I know that how I handle it is probably not the way that most people reading this would and that's fine.  Some might even make the argument that it's detrimental that I answer those questions since it encourages that kind of behavior.  While I can understand that argument, I personally believe the way I answer those do more good than anything.  If the person is truly that rude, then either way nothing is going to change.  However, if the person simply doesn't know any better or doesn't realize how personal those kind of questions are - then hopefully the way I answer them does help going forward.  

Just my few cents on things, as always agree or disagree, but hopefully it's at least something to think about.

- M