Transitioning 101 - Pronouns

I wanted to get back to my little series of "Transitioning 101" posts and this subject came up elsewhere the other day and I did actually dive into the discussion on it as while I felt there were some great points and thoughts shared there I also took issue with some of what was being shared.  While all of the posts in this series have been at least semi-personal; this one will definitely be very personal as I have strong thoughts on some things when it comes to pronouns.  As always, they are simply *my thoughts*, nothing more, nothing less.  If you agree with some/any/all of them - well great.  If you disagree with some/any/all of them - that's great too.  I'm more than willing to entertain anyone else's viewpoints on anything, especially this.

For myself, especially early on, I didn't really worry about pronouns all that much.  I knew my presentation wasn't great, and my voice even worse.  Looking back on it 3+ years later it's probably even worse than I thought it was back then from an appearance perspective and while my voice is better these days it's still not great so I know it was bad back then.  As such I more or less felt like the proverbial "man in a dress" quite a bit of the time, so I sort of expected to not hear things like she/her/ma'am/etc; and quite often I didn't even when presenting female.  I'm not saying I got he/him/sir/etc, rather what I usually got back then was a complete lack of pronouns from people.  That really didn't bother me all that much, though it was disappointing to for example go to a restaurant with J or M and hear them refer to us as "ladies" or have a server say something like "and for you ma'am?" and then when they'd hear my voice or get a better look at me drop all pronouns.  But as I said, I more or less didn't expect much so for me it was of a disappointment in myself than anything.  I had failed to "do enough to pass/blend" - be it my voice, my appearance, or whatever.  I never really got upset at anyone other than myself (with one notable exception) because I never felt it was coming across as malicious.

That being said, I do vividly remember the first time I got referred to as "ma'am" and the person honestly meant it.  I had left an appointment with my therapist and was feeling pretty good about myself.  As it happened I was by myself which at the time was out of the ordinary, but J had to work and M had an appointment.  I was hungry, so I went by a Lion's Choice (a regional roast beef chain, far superior to Arby's IMO) for lunch.  For whatever reason my voice was reasonable that day and I suppose I looked fairly nice.  If I had just gotten it from one person I might have blown it off, but both the person taking my order and the person who presented my order used ma'am and it didn't come across as the "just being polite" kind of ma'am I had gotten in the past.  Now maybe I was just in an overly positive mood that day, but it really seemed like I had blended in and I was very happy about it.

Over time it's gotten better and better, to the point where it's only those rare occasions where I don't get a pronoun at all, and I honestly can only recall perhaps two times since I chose to transition where I've been presenting fully as female where I've gotten a male pronoun thrown my way.  However, this leads me to one of my points for this post.  I see a great many people who let it ruin their day if they get mis-gendered and while I understand that, I also think that perhaps there is a better way to look at it.  If I don't get she/her/ma'am/etc from someone and I am presenting full on female, then rather than let it ruin my day, I try and evaluate *why* that happened.  Did my voice slip?  Is there an issue with my hair and/or makeup, or clothing?  Were my mannerisms off?  Something else?  Sure in some instances it may have simply been a conscious choice on the person's part to use gender-neutral pronouns or simply none at all - I know in the past I've done that myself.  But I feel that more often than not, it is because of something on my part and I want to figure out what that something is so I can correct it going forward.  So rather than get upset and let it ruin my outing/day, I try and use it as sort of a teaching moment for myself.  Now, if I feel it was maliciously done - which has only been the case perhaps twice in 3+ years, then yes I will say something to the appropriate people.  But even in those couple of instances, I still was more interested in determining what I could do better or differently to have prevented that.  I'm not saying that everyone can/should do what I do, but perhaps it is something to consider.

Another hot button is how to handle pronouns when talking about a person in their "pre-transition" days.  The consensus seems to be to use the pronouns that are appropriate to the persons current gender presentation and I tend to agree with that for the most part.  That being said, I do prefer when/if possible to find out how the person wishes to be referred to.  So if for example Caitlyn Jenner preferred to have her Olympic experiences discussed using the name of "Bruce Jenner" and male pronouns because that's how she was presenting at the time, well then I'd want to honor her wishes.  Now if for whatever reason it's not possible to find out how a person wishes to be referred to in their pre-transition days, then for me I'm going to err on the side of caution and use their current name and pronoun choices.  The main reason *I* would do that is to avoid potentially outing someone.  In the case of Ms. Jenner, I don't think it's really possible to "out" her, but for many who are/have transitioned, it is possible and it is not my place to do that.

Now with that being said, I do personally draw one major exception in regards to *myself*.  And that is when people are discussing me in my pre-Madison days.  As an example, I've talked about one of my Uncle's in this blog before that has been really supportive of me.  When talking to me or about me in the present, he flawlessly uses Madison and female pronouns.  However, when he starts talking about me in days past, such as when I was a ring bearer at his wedding, he tends to slip into using my old name and male pronouns.  Again, I know for many people this would really bother them, and I fully understand that.  But for me, while I'd prefer to hear "Madison" and "she/her/etc", I feel that his memories of those times are of me presenting as a male, going by the name he used in telling his story and as such I personally don't expect him to alter his memories on the fly.  Would I be happier if he could/would?  Of course.  But I'm not going to hold it against him if he doesn't.  I'm happy that he's supportive of me and I'm not about to make an issue over something like this.  I'm not saying that my approach is necessarily right for anyone else, but it's what works for me.

It's late and I should wrap this up and get to bed.  Looking back over what I've written, I almost feel that this post doesn't fit in with the rest of the ones in this little series, but what's done is done.  So with that I bid everyone a good night.

- M

A Nice Day Out...

I tend to try and not write about specific days out, as I figure for the most part nobody cares about that out other than me. However, yesterday was an exceptionally nice and fun day and if for no other reason that for me to be able to go back and remember the day, I wanted to write a bit about it.  So if you don't want to hear about my "outing" then feel free to skip over this post, my feelings won't be hurt.  :)

M was taking a few vacation days and had mentioned doing some running around when she got off work Saturday morning and I thought it would be good to get out and about since I haven't done much of that lately due to the heat.  Unfortunately, J had to work an early shift which for her is 8-6 and couldn't go out with us.  So, as is normal, I was up early to get her lunch prepared for work and once she left I set about doing some "clean up" work on my body.  With it being so hot, I had wanted to wear a dress - I've picked up several "summery" ones lately - a couple of longer ones, and a couple of knee length ones.  I had worn one of the shorter ones (a black and white one) the other night when J and I ran out to grab some things, so I wanted to try out the other which is an orange and white one.  Orange isn't normally a color I pick out, but I'm making a concerted effort to get some brighter colors in my wardrobe since most of what I have is black or other dark colors.  Now the other night when I ran out with J my legs weren't exactly in the shape I'd like so I opted for some pantyhose which I really did like - it was the first time I had tried "suntan" ones - but I knew it would be too hot for those so I needed to touch up my legs, and while I was at it my arms and chest needed some work and obviously my face.

M and offered to help me with my makeup.  Normally I wear a heavy foundation, but that was picked out probably two years ago when I was just starting my laser.  It's a nice foundation, but with it being so hot and my face being so much clearer now thanks to the laser, M felt I could get by with some concealer and BB cream.  I was a bit skeptical, but in hindsight I think it was a good choice and it actually held up pretty well.  Actually, we went fairly light on all my makeup, it was probably as close to a "natural" look as I've ever been out in and going forward, especially while it remains warm it's probably the kind of look I'll be trying to use for the most part.  My outfit consisted of the aforementioned orange dress, a bra and panties, and my favorite white heels, though I took a pair of casual orange flats that I really like, but don't normally get to wear in case my feet hurt.  Normally I don't do that, but I haven't worn heels very much this summer and I knew I'd be out for a while.  Back to the outfit, I really do love the dress, but it was an experience as it is more of a summery dress and I'm not used to wearing those, so I felt almost a little "naked" at first.  :)  We added a bit of jewelry, a nice little necklace that I picked up a while ago, a matching "gummi bear" bracelet and earrings that we found at Claire's recently, a cheesy anklet since I love those, and my prior wig - the shorter one - since it was so hot.  I also swapped out my favorite black purse with a one that J got me last year.  Here's the "outfit", try and ignore the expression as M managed to snap the photo at an inopportune moment. :)

We had initially thought we'd go looking for a new pair of flats for me, probably at Payless since they carry my size, as the pair I wear primarily has seen better days.  We were also going to run by a Dollar Tree, perhaps get some lunch, and then do some grocery shopping as she needed to get some things to make a dinner that M2 had asked her for.  So nothing really special, really just a few errands was to be it.

We ended up hitting two different Payless stores and I never really found what I was looking for - at least not in my size.  The current flats I tend to wear actually have a bit of a heel on them and while I didn't like that when M first gave them to me, now I really do.  They had some similar, but one pair was slightly too big and one slightly too small - at my size they only do full sizes and I really needed either something on the half-size or if the larger pair had not been a "wide" they might have worked.  M did find a couple of pairs of really cute wedges, one of which I wished came in my size.  :)

We also did hit a couple of Dollar Trees, M had a field day there, I personally didn't find much, but the overall experience was good.  The highlight of the day was probably our lunch.  There's a place not too far from us - Ethyl's Smokehouse, that we've been by hundreds of times over the years and never tried.  Mainly because it has the look of a "bar" and we don't really drink.  However, I really wanted to try something new and M had expressed a desire to try it as well so we ended up there.  I won't dwell on the experience as I've already written a Yelp review on it, but suffice it to say the food was good, and the service was excellent.  And while I was making an effort with my voice, I know it slipped a couple of times to our server and yet she never faltered with pronouns nor changed the way she treated us.  We'll definitely be back.  We did also hit the grocery store, a new "Ruler Foods" which from what I understand is basically Kroger's version of "Aldi".  It's far enough from us that we probably wouldn't normally go in there, but we did get enough things to make it worthwhile and again everybody was so nice there.

It was so hot, that despite bringing a cooler and getting ice, we decided to bring the food home and the intent had been to call it day since M had been up all night working; but I had been talking about getting a new purse since my favorite black Guess bag is showing some wear; so she talked me into heading over to a Ross as while it's not my favorite place to shop, they do have some nice purses that are fairly reasonable.  As it was, I found several I liked, including a couple of Betsy Johnson ones that in years past I never would have even considered.  But all in all, I *liked* them, I didn't *love* them so I couldn't pull the trigger.  The trip wasn't a waste though as we picked up several clothing items for her, J, P, and myself, as well as a cute pair of wedges similar to the white ones I had on today.

We stopped at a McDonald's as I had to use the restroom (again), and that store happens to be across the street from a Beauty supply place that M frequents so we went in and looked around.  Normally I'm not a huge fan of the place as their jewelry and such isn't really my thing.  However, I did find a couple of cute things for my hair (hopefully), and a nice anklet, all for a dollar a piece.  They do also have a huge amount of wigs - the vast majority of them very cheap.  The even carry the brand I use (Estetica) and while those aren't overly cheap, they are a good 20+% cheaper than what I normally pay.  I'm tempted to try a couple of the ones they have as there were some I liked in the $40-$50 range and I normally pay $150-$300 for mine.  If they work out, then great, if not, well I'm not out all that much.  The highlight of this visit was how polite the store personnel were.  The person in charge recognized M and asked if we were sisters.  I don't know that I believe that she really thought that, but I would believe I was at least passable enough for her to say it and that made me feel good as at this point we had been out about 8 hours and my makeup hadn't melted. :)

From there we hit another grocery store to get a few more things for M's dinner and headed home.  By the time we put them all away it was well after 6pm and J was on her way home.  Now normally I would have removed the hair, makeup, and clothes, and settled into my typical around the house wear.  But I still felt good, I thought I looked reasonably good, and I wanted to take J out to dinner.  With it being Saturday and me telling M that I'd see that P got up for work and we'd take her to work, we didn't have a lot of time, so we settled on Qdoba since it's close, it's quick, and we can agree on it. :)  Despite a bit of a debate over something, it was a nice dinner out with J, and it capped off a really fun and nice day for me.  All told I think I ended up in about a dozen stores and restaurants, as well as several ladies rooms, and had no issues, and was treated incredibly well everywhere.  I guess that last part shouldn't surprise me as I almost never have an issue, but me being a glass half-empty person I always sort of expect to.  Now if I could just get the voice down, things would be even better.

I know it probably sounds like a dull day to many and in reality it probably is.  But it wasn't about what we did, it was simply that I was able to be out and about the whole day with people I really like and care about and have a good time doing it.  It was also great to be able to get out in such minimal makeup (and no foundation) and still be at least reasonably "passable".  That was a lesson I needed to learn as I have a hard time justifying the time to do a full makeup job to run to the store, but what M showed me only took her 5 minutes tops (so probably 10 for me LOL), but is something I could do for those short little spur of the moment trips and I'll feel better about myself than going out without hair and makeup and being basically androgynous.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that look, goodness knows I've done it a lot over the years.  But I am one of those people that does want to wear the dresses, makeup, heels, etc., and a lot of times I don't because I feel over dressed.  However, dressed like this, I felt comfortable in places like the grocery store and that made me feel good.

With that I think I'll wrap this up as I've babbled on for what seems like forever and as I said above I'm sure this topic will bore most people, but I had a great day and I wanted to be able to look back on this post and remember just how great a day I had.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Managing Expectations

Most of the topics in this "Transitioning 101" series I've been writing off and on about are things that I've been fairly significantly impacted by (both good and bad); but the majority of those things were more or less "external" things that impacted me.  Expectations however; are more of an internal impact; though there are also external expectations such as those from family, friends, employer(s), etc.  That being said, this topic going to focus on those internal expectations that come with transitioning.  One side note, while I tend to focus on Trans-women since that's the demographic I fall into personally, this post will definitely skew towards that even more than normal.  

I think the best place for me to start is with myself.  I have a tendency to expect the worst, or at least towards the worst, when it comes to the outcome of anything, not just things related to my transition.  Some (many?  most?) would say that's not a great way to go into things, but over the years it's worked for me.  The vast majority of the time things do go better, often far better, than what I expected and I believe that helps keep me happy.  And for those rare occasions that things do go poorly, well then I got about what I expected.  I believe that this attitude of mine has played a significant role in how my transition has worked out.  For the most part things have been great and have exceeded my expectations.  There have been two notable exceptions where I let my expectations become overly positive in relation to how things worked out and I'll touch on those later; but all in all I think I've done well managing my expectations in relation to my transition.  

However, as time has went by and I've paid more and more attention to others transitions, I see far too many who have suffered or are suffering from their expectations not being meant.  In many cases that has led to at least some disappointment, and in some cases - far worse.  While I cannot say that had if any of their expectations been different that things would have worked out better; I am fairly certain that in at least some cases, things might have worked out differently and hopefully better.  Now before someone gets upset and thinks I'm heading off on some sort of "victim blaming" diatribe, that's not the case.  All I'm saying is that having reasonable expectations, especially when it comes to transitioning, is something I believe will contribute to the success of a transition and hopefully at least increase the odds of a person being happier than they were pre-transition.

So now that I've made my assertion on managing expectations, I thought it only fair that I give a few examples of what I feel are common areas where expectations could often be better managed.  And as I say all the time, and probably should have said before now in this topic, I'm sure some/many/most may disagree with how I see things and as always that's fine.  I'm by no means a mental health professional, nor for that matter an expert on transitioning.  These are simply my thoughts and observations and should simply be treated as such - nothing more.  So with that out of the way, lets get on to some of those areas.

The first one is one that I've talked about in another part of this series of posts and that is HRT.  All too often I see people who seem to believe that HRT is some magic bullet that will suddenly make them into their vision of the woman they want to be.  First off, appearance doesn't make the person, much less the woman.  That being said, I can understand the desire to be attractive; especially as a Trans-woman since society as a whole tends to place so much weight on that.  But if you expect to become a supermodel simply from HRT, not to mention it happening virtually immediately - well you're likely in for a bad time.  Yes, there are plenty of people who have had great success on HRT, but even for those that do, it's often a lengthy process and there is often far more than HRT at play.  There may be surgeries involved, makeup often plays a huge part, as can hair style and clothing choices.  And even with those things aside, HRT is a roll of the dice.  For example, some develop fairly large breasts, some average, some below average, and some almost none at all.  Some may have more redistribution of body fat than others, and so on.  I'm by no means trying to minimize the effects of HRT, I'm just saying the expectations of what it might do need to be reasonable.  For myself, truthfully considering my age when I started HRT, I didn't expect much and I've been pleasantly surprised to this point.

Another place where I think expectations are often overly optimistic is when it comes to pronoun usage.  I've actually got an entire topic dedicated to pronouns coming up, so I won't delve too far into it here; but to just expect every person you come into contact with to automatically start using your preferred pronouns 100% of the time is just not reality in my experience.  If for example I'm presenting female then yes I have an expectation to hear she/her/ma'am/etc.  This is especially true for anyone who didn't know me pre-transition.  However, even if am presenting female, people who knew me pre-transition, in some cases 40+ years, well no matter how good their intentions are, they may well slip up from time to time - especially early on.  It doesn't mean they don't care, it doesn't mean they were being malicious, it doesn't need to ruin my day.  People make mistakes and for those that I care about, well they get the benefit of the doubt until they prove they deserve otherwise.  And I haven't even touched upon if I were to present androgynously or even male as I did before I went full-time.  In those cases, especially with those that don't know me, how can I expect them to get pronouns right 100% of the time?  But yet I see people who seem to think that this should be the case and then being upset over an incorrect pronoun.  Look, I'm not saying that I should have to be in a dress to hear she/her/ma'am/etc, but if I were to walk up to a complete stranger dressed in a male tuxedo, no makeup, a bald head, and speak in a deep voice - well then how can I be surprised if they drop a he/him/sir/etc on me?  Well for me personally I wouldn't be; but there are those that are and I really think they need to re-evaluate those expectations.

Another expectation that come to mind are employers - this is one of those places where I let my own expectations get too positive, though as I've touched on this before I won't revisit it here.  Yes, in a perfect world, employers would be supportive, or at a minimum accepting of an employee transitioning.  However, there are plenty that aren't and in those cases even if there are legal protections, it is possible for an employer to find their way around them if they really want to.  Yet I still see a great many people that for example feel that as long as they live in a state with legal protections that their employer won't make things an issue.  In many cases that is true, but to have a blind expectation of it, well that's just begging for disappointment in my opinion.

There are plenty of other things I could talk about, and even go the other way where people have an expectation that they can "never pass" when in fact with enough effort they probably could.  Or people that feel their wife/girlfriend/SO/family/etc would never be supportive when in fact they just might surprise them; but I think I've made my point.  As I said above, I'm not advocating having low expectations as I tend to do, but rather simply having realistic expectations.  I really do believe that doing so goes a long way towards being happy and having a successful transition.

- M

My Few Cents On Caitlyn Jenner....

While I should probably be working on J's dinner at the moment, I've got it mostly prepped and she hasn't dinged me that she's leaving work so I thought I'd kill some time here.  I've got a couple of other topics that need to get finished, one a "submissive update" since that is among the most popular topics I write about; and the other being another post in my little "Transitioning 101" series - this one about "bathrooms", but those are probably left for another time when I know I can finish them without interruptions.  I initially had envisioned this topic as more of a "current events" topic covering my thoughts on things such as the Confederate Flag, the recent Supreme Court decision on same sex marriage, and a few other things - including some thoughts on Caitlyn Jenner.  However, the longer I thought about things, the more I felt that my thoughts on Caitlyn Jenner - specifically with regards to the LGBT community towards her - could more than fill out a post on their own, so here I am.

I will say that I almost didn't write on this topic as I'm sure my views may not be popular with many who do read this blog - but after thinking about that, if I can't share my own thoughts here then where can I share them.  As always I'm always open to discuss alternative views, and I know that many have them on this topic, so feel free to comment publicly or privately if you so desire.  I'll also say that I'll probably ramble some (well more than normal) on this subject as I haven't taken the time to gather my thoughts as much as I should.  So that being said, let me start by sharing a couple of personal thoughts regarding Ms. Jenner.  I know how I felt over the probably 30 years that I envisioned transitioning to a woman before I actually was able to, so I'm incredibly happy for her that she's now able to transition and live as herself.  For that matter, I'd even go as far as saying I'm perhaps a touch jealous.  I feel that she looks great and appears to be very happy.  Not that I'm not happy, I am - at least for the most part; but she definitely looks far better than I ever will.

And that actually leads me into the point I most wanted to talk about and that is some of the vitriol I've seen directed her way.  And I'm not talking about the (unfortunate) typical stuff from the world in general; but rather what I've seen from some in the Transgender community itself.  Look, I get it.  She's wealthy and famous enough to be able to do things that some/many/most of us who are transitioning may never be able to.  Obviously she dropped a lot of money on FFS - I've seen estimates in the $70,000 price range; and for the vast majority of us transitioning that's simply not feasible.  But it frustrates me to no end to see her getting ripped on by some in the Transgender community because she has the means to be able to afford to spend that kind of money towards her transition.  I know if I had that kind of financial wherewithal, I'd probably not only have already had GRS; but I'd like have had FFS, BA, and maybe even voice surgery.  And truthfully how many Trans-women wouldn't do the same if they were in Ms. Jenner's position?  I'm sure there is at least someone out there who would choose to be completely altruistic and do little or even nothing for themselves and dedicate all of their resources to others, but truthfully how many really would?  Maybe before condemning her for choosing to have had the FFS, or anything else she chooses to do, the people doing so should give that some thought before saying anything else derogatory towards her regarding this.

Another sore point with me are people condemning Ms. Jenner for "not being a part of the community".  I do try and avoid putting words in others mouths, but it appears that a lot of the criticism on this point comes from some of the things Ms. Jenner says and/or how she says them.  Look, I cannot speak for her, maybe she doesn't consider herself part of the "community"; and if so I suppose a case could be made that she truly isn't due to her financial and social standing.  But personally, I don't believe that and I think those that are using things she's said to come to that conclusion should perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt at this point.  Could some of the things she's said been said better and/or more eloquently?  Probably.  But can any of us say we've never said things that we couldn't have said better?  And I'm talking about the population in general.  For those of us who have, are, or are considering transitioning, I think saying things that could be said better is a reasonably common occurrence.  I know for myself that once J and I decided that transition was right for me/us, that I went through a time where I was guilty of this.  I was excited, I was anxious, I was a lot of things; and as such I didn't always take enough time to think about some of the things I said and did.  Did that make me a bad person?  I don't think so.  My intentions weren't bad, nor do I believe Ms. Jenner's to be bad.  Can I say that with 100% certainty?  Of course not, but until she out and out proves me to be incorrect on this I for one am going to err on her side.

But regardless of if she is or isn't a part of the "community", and regardless of my feelings towards the entire Kardashian clan, I do think Ms. Jenner has been an overall plus for the "community" to this point.  Yes, in many ways she's an exception due to her financial and social status and as such she doesn't have the struggles that some/many/most of us in the community do.  However, if nothing else, she's increased the visibility of the community and I believe that to be a good thing.  Not everybody can be a Janet Mock for example.

I guess I should cut this off, I didn't get it finished before I had to work on J's dinner and it's not 5am and I've been up for a couple of hours prepping her breakfast and lunch for work and I need to get back to that.  I know I rambled here (more than usual), but I really do think that by and large that at least to this point that Caitlyn Jenner deserves better than she's gotten from many in the LGBT community and that's disappointing to me.

- M

St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 11

Well it's only been a few weeks since I've written a post on this subject, so that's a bit of an improvement. :)  

Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts:  My Transgender Experiences.  

Restaurants:

• Village Cafe (Lake Saint Louis, Missouri) - The Village Cafe is located in the "Shoppes At Hawk Ridge" in the location that used to be the Dragon Buffet.  M, M2, and P have been there a few times, and a couple of weeks ago they brought me breakfast home.  That breakfast happened to be a buffalo chicken sandwich and hash browns.  The chicken sandwich was huge and had a generous amount of blue cheese crumbles on it, and was excellent.  The hash browns were plentiful and M had ordered them with cheese.  They were not as well done as I would normally like, I suspect that M simply didn't ask for them well done.  Despite that they were very good as well.  This past Saturday, M/M2/P invited J and I to meet them there for breakfast and the food was even better there and the service was excellent.  I was treated wonderfully which was nice since it was a last minute thing so I was NOT "done up" like I would normally be.  I wish nothing but the best for the Village Cafe and we WILL be back.
• Texas Roadhouse (O'Fallon, Missouri) - The last time I had been here was before my transition, so it had been a while.  No particular reason as the food/service had always been good, it just hadn't happened.  J and I hit there for an early dinner recently and the food/service was just how I remembered it and as with Longhorn, I could not have been treated better.  
• Denny's (Lake Saint Louis, Missouri) - This location re-opened a few months ago after being closed for approximately 2 years for a "remodel".  Actually, we were a bit surprised as we had long since assumed it was simply closed for good.  J and I were actually heading elsewhere to get a late dinner, but at the last minute when we realized that they had reopened we elected to stop here.  Let me say that prior to the location closing, our last two visits there had been very poor.  In fact poor enough that the last time we actually complained to their corporate office.  However, after two years we had high hopes.  Suffice it to say, they may have given the location a nice new look and feel; but the experience hasn't seem to have changed; and based upon our visit seems to have gotten worse.  Let me preface this by saying it was later in the evening, about 10:30pm when we arrived as it was a late work night for J.  Since we had not planned on going out, I wasn't "fully done up"; so no wig and only some light makeup - basically how I'd look if I were running a quick errand or something.  I mention this because I believe our experience was affected by my appearance; though at the time I didn't give that much thought since I'd never had an issue being dressed as I was.  Now the visit wasn't a complete disaster as the food was decent for Denny's, but the service was literally the worst I/we have ever had anywhere.  I won't take the time to go into all of the details; but it was bad enough that I finally felt compelled to bring the issue up to the manager who in my mind handled it poorly - mainly because she neglected to remove the server from our table and when he did finally come back after I had said something he was brazen enough to make not one, but two snide comments.  I probably should have made an issue with their corporate office, but frankly I've given up with the location and simply will NEVER return.  It was a bit of a culture shock to have such poor service, but even more so for it to apparently be because of how I was presenting.
• McDonald's (Kingdom City, Missouri) - I've stopped at this location many times over the last 25+ years when I've been going to/from Columbia.  Now over the years more restaurants have opened up here, but the food and service at this McDonald's is usually top notch and I try and support places like that.  I've been through the drive thru as Madison, but coming back from the Doctor's visit I mention below was the first time I had been inside as Madison.  It wasn't my intention to do so, but Green Meadows Clinic (where Dr. Swenson was located) is no more - they've moved into a new building down the street and frankly I wasn't quite sure where the restrooms where there so rather than search I figured I'd stop here and get a late lunch and use their restroom.  The restroom was reasonably clean for a McDonald's, the food was pretty good, and the store personnel were incredibly polite despite the fact that I know my voice wasn't up to par.  I know McDonald's can be hit or miss, but this location is almost always a "hit" and this visit was no exception.
• O'Charley's (O'Fallon, Missouri) - I was sure I had mentioned this location before; but apparently only in reference to the St. Peters location.  We've been here a few times now with me as Madison and the food and service has been great; though I'm not a huge fan of their clam chowder.

• Cracker Barrel (O'Fallon, Missouri) - I've been here with both J and M several times and the service is always exceptional, and while I'm personally not a huge fan of this type of food, M and J love it and despite my feelings it's always been fresh and good.  As with some other places I've been here both in full Madison regalia as well as "as-is" and they've never batted an eyelash or been anything other than super polite and courteous.  Strongly recommend this location.

Retailers:

• Dollar Tree (Grindstone Parkway, Columbia, Missouri) - It seems like when I choose to leave the house that I invariably forget something.  Sometimes it's something small - such as I like to wear an anklet when I wear a skirt, yet I often forget that.  Sometimes even when I'm running out "as-is" I forget things such as earrings (even when I'm not "done up", I still like to wear at least a pair of studs in my ears).  But it's usually more of a "trauma" for me when I am done up and this particular day I was heading to Columbia for a visit with Dr. Swenson.  About 15 minutes after I left the house I realized I had forgotten to put on any perfume and it bothered me the entire rest of the drive.  Normally when I'm going out looking nice I'll wear a nicer perfume, but I do keep some cheaper stuff around the house for when I simply want to smell nice or when I'm running out "as-is".  Well, I was tight on time and I've picked up some decent knock off perfumes there before, so I stopped here and grabbed one that was a knock off of Chanel No. 5 that I actually liked.  While I was in and out pretty quick, the store personnel were all nice and polite and one even held the door for me on my way out.  All in all a very nice experience.  I've never had a poor experience at any Dollar Tree, but I felt this one was especially good.  Speaking of this "trip", here's the outfit for that day so I have a thumbnail.  I love the top, the skirt - not as much.  I feel I've looked "better", though part of that is probably due to this being a cell phone photo since I managed to misplace my digital camera somehow.

• Dierberg's (Des Peres, Missouri) - This is another location that I thought I'd mentioned before, but apparently haven't.  Dierberg's in general has been great for me to shop at, both when fully done up as Madison and when just running out more or less "as-is".  However, this location has really been the "best of the best".  I only wish it were closer as I'd love to shop there more often.

I realize this entry is heavy on restaurants, but for various reasons I haven't been out doing much other than the last couple of months.  I hope to rectify that sooner rather than later, but for now this will have to do.  :)

- M

The Truth....

Even though I don't really take part in the various Reddit Transgender subreddits these days I do still browse them on occasion and a thread did stand out this weekend because it hits fairly close to home for me.  The gist of the thread was about someone being honest when their Trans-woman friend asked about if she "passed" or not.  Apparently she doesn't pass, or at least doesn't as well as she thinks, yet this friend (and apparently others) tell her she does when she asks.  I've written on this particular subject before - it was a little over a year ago and was titled:  "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Both of those questions - "Do I pass/blend in?" and "Does this dress make me look fat?" are in a lot of ways unfair questions to ask friends and family as they often put those friends/family in an awkward position of deciding if they should be brutally honest, totally concerned about feelings, or somewhere in the middle.  Now, I'm not saying that the two questions are completely equal - personally I think the passing question carries far more ramifications for some/many/most people asking it, as while a dress not looking well may upset somebody at the moment, the passing question can be absolutely devastating for someone who is transitioning.  But that aside, I don't believe it changes the underlying quandary that it puts the person being asked in.

I discussed my personal feelings on this back in that aforementioned post, but to reiterate them here, I personally want to hear the truth and I'd rather hear it from a friend or family member than a stranger.  I'm sure there are some that would disagree and would rather simply have their confidence boosted; and that's fine, I'm just not one of those people.  Perhaps a honest critique can be helpful to me, but even if I can't change the thing(s) in that critique, at least I've been made aware of them by someone who's opinion I respect and who hopefully cares about my well being; rather than being embarrassed (or worse) in public.

But the impetus for this post isn't about whether or not the person from Reddit did or didn't pass, or for that matter if I do on any particular day or not.  It's about the truth in general.  I don't care what I'm asking about, I'd rather hear the truth - brutal or not - when I ask a question, than have a friend or even worse a family member, try and gloss over something or even worse out and out lie to try and spare my feelings.  I understand why they would think they were doing what is right, but I simply don't agree with it.  I believe that one of the key building blocks of a relationship, be it friend or family, is trust and doing something like this violates my trust in that person and in my mind damages the relationship.  I find it especially frustrating when I believe I've made it clear that I believe they aren't being completely honest about something and they continue to stand their ground.  At some point whatever they've been glossing over is eventually going to come out and the fact that they weren't totally honest about is going to come up and in my mind at least make things all that much worse.

The way I see it, whatever they were trying to "save my feelings from" - well it's highly likely that it's not something that is within either of our control.  Perhaps I/we/them can do something about it, perhaps not.  Perhaps it will upset me, perhaps not.  But what I can absolutely guarantee is that the fact that they weren't honest with me is that my feelings will be far more hurt by that than whatever it was they were trying to "spare me from".  I'm sure others may not feel that way, but is how *I* feel and for those close to me I believe I've made that feeling crystal clear.  So when a friend or family member makes the decision to spare my feelings at the expense of being truly honest it not only hurts; but it makes me question what other things this has occurred with and that's not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

Maybe I've let this topic get a little too personal and hit a nerve that it shouldn't have, but regardless of what I should or shouldn't have done, it has gotten a touch personal and has hit a bit of a nerve and that's upsetting.  Not for the particular subject in question, as I had long since suspected that things were how they are and while that does hurt a bit - "it is what it is".  Rather it hit a nerve because the person in question didn't have enough faith in me to handle the truth such as it is.  Frankly for me that has been hurtful and while I'll get over it because I care about the person, it's something that's going to bother me for a long time.

Sorry for the the vague passive agressive venting here, but sometimes a little venting here goes a long way towards me getting over something and hopefully this is one of those times.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Laser Hair Removal

I can't speak for every Trans-woman, or really any Trans-woman other than myself, but for me one of the biggest "issues" I've had with my transition was facial and body hair.  In what I can only believe is a bit of cruel irony I have been blessed with tons and tons of hair everywhere but my head where I really want it.  I can address the lack of hair on my head easily enough with a nice wig, and I've done so with several different ones over the years.  They aren't a perfect solution and I'd much rather have my own hair, but I can live with this.  However, handling the facial and body hair hasn't been nearly as simple.

There are many ways to handle hair, in the short term that might include shaving, waxing, depilatory creams, and so on.  However, for the most part long term hair removal is generally the goal and that leaves two real options:  Laser Hair Removal (LHR) and Electrolysis.  Both of them have their pros and cons and but the focus here will be on LHR since that's what this topic is about - mainly because that's the route I initially chose and am still pursuing (though I may be moving to Electrolysis on my face soon).

Now before I get into LHR, let me say one thing.  Quite a bit of what I write about in general tends to be "Your Mileage May Vary" (YMMV).  The same can be said for a great many things in life, but when it comes to transitioning, it seems to me to be even more common.  Well, I believe that LHR falls at the far end of the YMMV spectrum.  I believe a large portion of that is a result of there being so many variables in play.  Among them would be skin tone, hair color, amount of hair in the treatment area, type of laser used, skill of the technician, HRT, and on and on.  So while I tend to say it a lot, it goes double here - my experiences are simply my experiences - anyone else's experience will almost certainly be different.  Maybe better, maybe worse, but in all likelihood different.

So lets touch on a couple of the pros and cons of LHR first:

• Pro - can treat large areas fairly quickly, especially compared to electrolysis which is a hair by hair process.
• Con - generally isn't considered "permanent hair removal", but rather "permanent hair reduction" - though many people believe the former statement over the latter.
• Pro - unlike electrolysis, laser doesn't require multiple days of growth for treatment - in fact normally the cleaner shaven the better.  
• Con - laser works best with certain hair/skin combinations.  Now, it's my understanding that some of the newer lasers can handle lighter hair and such; but in those cases the effectiveness may suffer.

So beyond those couple of pros/cons, what else should be considered?  Well among those things, at least for most of us who are transitioning, would be cost.  From my research and experience, there tends to be a huge variance in costs when it comes to LHR.  Since my primary focus early on was the face/neck region, I'm going to use that as an my example here.  I've seen people quoting costs under $50/session to people who have paid the equivalent of several hundred dollars a session.  For myself, the places I've dealt with including my current technician who I've been using for 2+ years now, my price has fallen in the middle to upper end of that range.  I say that because the first five sessions were a bit pricey, but the ones since then have been significantly reduced.

So what causes the disparity in those figures?  Well there are a lot of variables to that.  Obviously, among the biggest ones are location and competition.  In my case, I believe that the location has a bigger role in what I've been paying as the particular business is located in a "higher end" area and while I don't normally like to make generalizations - especially based upon appearance - frankly from the other clients that I've seen in passing, it doesn't seem that cost is necessarily an overriding concern for a great deal of them.  I have found other options that were cheaper and in fact tried one of them, but I wasn't happy with a lot of things and only did one session at each, before settling on my current provider.

Additionally, often those extremely low figures are the result of things such as using a Groupon (and note I said "often" not "always") and/or securing a "package" of sessions which often needs to be paid for up front (again I said "often" not "always"); or even something as simple as a bit of haggling - especially if there is competition around.  However, paying for a "package" of sessions is no guarantee that you'll get a "great price", so you'll definitely want to shop around.  For me personally I prefer to "pay as I go" so the place I'm currently using works great for me in that respect.  There are other concerns such as the type of laser, the technician who will be performing the service, and even your comfort level with the location itself.  So while cost will be a factor for most of us, is should not be the "only factor" as with almost anything there is a possibility of things going wrong with LHR.

Another consideration, especially for those that are full-time, is scheduling.  I know plenty of people who walk out of a LHR session and basically look as good as they did when they went in.  Myself on the other hand, well my face shows some wear and tear for at least a couple of days.  In a pinch I can put something my GP prescribed on it afterwards and be makeup ready the next day - and I've done so a couple of times when I've had appointments the following day, but when possible I try and let things work themselves out.  In fact after this past Wednesday session, I held off until this morning (Sunday) before I put on any makeup.  I probably could have worn it prior to today, but my face was a bit rough up through yesterday so I went ahead and held off since I didn't need to go anywhere.  If I had a customer facing job I'd probably look to schedule my appointments for Friday/Saturday to give myself a couple of days to get over the session versus early/middle of the week as I often do now.

Speaking of appointments, as I mentioned in the pros/cons, every LHR place I've dealt with wants as clean a shave as possible.  Now, I always believed that was the case everywhere; though recently I ran across a couple of people that insist that their technicians do want some sort of growth.  I'm not quite sure I understand why they would, but I'm not going to say they or their technician are wrong - it's just not been my experience.  The reason I mention this is that back when I started I could shave in the morning and have 5 o'clock shadow by noon.  So if I would have been scheduling my appointments in the evening I would have had to have re-shaved before going or my technician would have done it.  During my search, I ran across some LHR places that if they had to shave the treatment area they would charge a fee for their time; though most of those places did exempt the face from that; however, it is something to perhaps inquire about when looking around.

As far as the actual process, I won't really delve into that.  I've touched on it in other posts here and it's obviously going to differ for everyone.  However, I do want to make a few points based upon my experiences and questions I've seen elsewhere.  I'm going to do this in sort of a Q&A format as I did with some of the other posts in this series.  And again, these are my experiences, YMMV.

• Does it hurt?
  
  While I've ran across people that maintain it doesn't hurt at all.  *I* on the other hand think it hurts *a lot*.  So why the disparity?  Perhaps they have a higher pain tolerance than I do.  Perhaps it's the amount of hair I have versus them.  Perhaps it's other reasons.  I can't say for sure; but I can say that it's painful to me.  As to how painful, it varies for me by session and even within a session.  I'm at the point now where it doesn't really hurt at all on my cheeks, it's a touch painful on *parts* of my jawline, and it's still very painful on my upper lip area.  Now that's for my face.  I'm also started having my "private parts" done a couple of sessions ago and that's a different experience.  Much to my surprise that really doesn't hardly hurt at all.  It's a bit of a different process and in reality the only pain I've had has came from two things.  The first being when the laser suctions in the skin to zap, it's pinched a bit; though this last go around we did a better job and that wasn't really an issue.  So the only real pain is the zap or two down around the bottom of the area she's doing.  Once she gets that far down she has to switch back to the non-suction method and use something that just zaps like she does on my face (and no it's not the same piece she uses on my face).  Well that zap or two down there is probably more painful than anything on my face, but thankfully it's the last zap or two of the session.

• What can I do about the pain?
  
  Well, after my first face/neck session, I started opting for the Lidocaine numbing cream for my face and that helps; sometimes more than others.  I also take a couple of Ibuprofen beforehand if I think about it which seems to help as well.  I know others have had prescriptions written for pain killers and I'm sure those help as well; though I can't comment personally on that.  My technician keeps a set of stress balls as well as a set of those hand squeezy things around - I usually opt for the stress balls and sometimes those are really helpful.  For me the biggest help is actually when I'm in a nice calm state of mind rather than being stressed about things.  So when I'm in the "holding room" waiting for the Lidocaine to take effect I try and listen to some calming music and relax rather than thinking about all the things I have to do the rest of the day or anything else that might stress me.  To each their own, but that helps me.

• How many sessions will it take?
  
  Truthfully I don't believe anyone can give you an answer to that with 100% certainty.  I've seen lots of people that say 5 (or less), I've seen plenty that say in the 6-10 range, and some even more than that.  For me I'm around 15 for my face (give or take 1), and now 3 for my other area.  Now I don't want to scare people off with that 15 figure; as I believe there are several things that have factored into that; though those are better discussed in a different post than here.  I will say that I probably could have moved to electrolysis a few sessions ago; though I do have my reasons for not doing so as of yet.  That being said, I do believe that anyone who says it will take exactly "x" sessions should be taken with a (rather large) grain of salt.

• I need/want to have my "private parts" done, how can I deal with showing them to someone?
  
  I'm the first to admit that I don't have a whole lot of dysphoria at all, much less about what "equipment" I currently have.  That being said, I definitely understand where the question comes from.  For me, it was actually more stressful broaching the subject with my LHR tech than it has been actually having the process done.  But even with that being the case I won't say it doesn't bother me at least a little to have the procedure done.  Now I realize I don't technically have to as many SRS surgeons don't require it, but the ones I've seriously looked at do recommend it; so I see this as something that needs to happen and while it is a touch uncomfortable for me, it's simply another check box to mark off so I deal with it.  Regardless of that my technician is wonderful, and frankly I'm pretty sure she's seen it all.  I can't/won't tell anyone else how to handle their business, but I will say that sometimes we simply have to do things that we may not like in order to accomplish what we want and I see this as one of those things.  If you really and truly cannot bring yourself to have LHR or electrolysis down there, then perhaps you can opt for a surgeon who doesn't need/want that done; but if your surgeon does recommend or require it, then - well it is what it is.

• What about those home lasers, can I use those?
  
  Of course you can use them; however their effectiveness is questionable at best.  There are people that swear by how wonderful they are; but the general consensus is that they are not nearly powerful enough to accomplish what a professional LHR technician can do.  Additionally there are many reports of poor experiences, including burns, with some of these devices.  So while the price may make them seem attractive, I would advise thinking carefully before investing in one of them.

I guess I should wrap this up, it's went on far longer than I intended.  As always dissenting viewpoints are welcome; I realize that this topic lends itself to that even more than most of my posts.  Either way these are my thoughts and experiences when it comes to LHR.  As always thanks for reading.

- M

Some Of My Favorite Recipes - Part 3...

Well, it's been a long while (too long) since I've done one of these posts so I'm going to rectify that now.  Over time things have changed a bit, for example I like to think I'm better in the kitchen than I was.  I've learned how to better prepare food, I've gotten better with meal planning - by that I mean things like buying larger amounts of say beef or chicken and being able to make 2-3 meals out of it which is usually far more economical, and so on.  I also believe I now do a better job of picking out recipes that J/M/etc are likely to enjoy which I feel is important.  My thought on that is that no matter how well I may prepare something, if it's not something they are going to enjoy I've wasted my time.  I'm not saying they like everything I make, or that I make every dish as well as it could be made, but I think it's gotten better.

The other thing I've done the last few months is to find some cooking blogs that I enjoy, none more than Ree Drummond's "The Pioneer Woman".  I hadn't set out to find any cooking blogs, but after seeing her show on Food Network a couple of times by accident, and liking what I saw her make I decided to learn more.  Maybe it's this way for everyone on Food Network, but it really seems like people either *really like* her, or they *really dislike* her - I fall into the former category.  I think the main reason is how and what she cooks.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy watching people make complicated and fancy things, but reality for me is that I'd rather watch somebody cook things that I can make myself reasonably well.  I don't feel the need to make my own pasta from scratch, or cure my own bacon.  I'm sure that for the people that do these kinds of things, their end product may be better than mine, but I don't think it's enough better to justify the time that it would take away from other things.

I'm not saying all her recipes are things I'd make, or that I always follow her recipes to the letter - I don't.  But I am saying she has quite a few that have worked well for me and that J/M/etc have really liked.  And the fact that I can watch her prepare them versus simply reading a recipe and instructions is something that goes a long way with me.  So with that being said, here's a few of my favorite "Pioneer Woman recipes".

As I've done in the past, I've included the original links, any modifications I've made, and some thoughts on each.

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Grilled Ribeye Steak with Onion/Blue Cheese Sauce

The original recipe that I got came from HERE.

This is something that I only make for J and myself since the rest of the crowd here aren't onion fans and won't touch blue cheese.

Recipe Modifications:

None - this is great "as-is".

Thoughts:

I've made this a few times, the one "issue" I had is when the store only had "thin" Rib-Eye's.  I should have went somewhere else and gotten regular sized ones or chosen a different cut of meat as the thin steaks just didn't work as well.  However, that's my fault and not an issue with the recipe.

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Skillet Cookie Sundae

The original recipe that I got came from HERE.

I actually bought my first cast iron skillet (and shortly thereafter a second larger one) to try this recipe and it did NOT disappoint.  One of my "go to" desserts these days..

Recipe Modifications:

• I'm not a coffee person and even though J/M are, they use a Keurig so we don't keep instant coffee around, therefore I've never used that when making this.
• I also vary the chocolate chips that I use, sometimes it's all semi-sweet, sometimes I'll put in some dark chocolate chips, basically whatever I have sitting around that looks good.

Thoughts:

Tastes great and is easy to make.  What more could you want in a dessert?

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Crash Hot Potatoes

The original recipe that I got came from HERE.  However, the original credit would appear to go to Jill Dupleix.

Recipe Modifications:

• Sometimes, right before the potatoes are completely finished I will pull them out and sprinkle on some freshly grated cheese and/or add some chopped bacon; but even without either/both of these they are great.  If I do add these, I will tend to use the broiler for a couple of minutes to finish them off.
• While I do prefer to use the New Potatoes as per the recipe, I've made them with several types of potatoes and they've always come out very good.

Thoughts:

As I mentioned above, we all love cheese and bacon, so I do often add those things.  But with or without those additions, this is a side dish that everybody here likes and that's an extremely rare occurrence.  Definitely a "go to" side dish.

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Twice Baked Potato Casserole 

The original recipe that I got came form HERE.

This was my first "Pioneer Woman recipe" and it's among my favorites.  Truthfully I was never a twice baked potato fan, but watching her make these they looked so good I had to try them and we all love them.  Just beware, this recipe makes *a lot* of potatoes, you may want to half it, or even quarter it, just saying.

Recipe Modifications:

• As mentioned above, I often half this recipe.
• On occasion I may add a layer of bread crumbs or a 50/50 mix of bread crumbs and panko to the top to give it a little crunch.
• Once of twice I've swapped out half the sour cream for some ricotta cheese.  Personally I like it better that way, but it really depends upon what I have in the house at the time.

Thoughts:

An exceptional side dish; and one I probably like better than the aforementioned "Crash Hot Potatoes" above.  However, it is far more labor intensive than those, so I don't make it as often, and as has been mentioned the original recipe makes potatoes for a small army so keep that in mind.

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With that I'll wrap this post up.  As always, tastes differ, but I would have no qualms recommending any of these recipes as they are all exceptional.  I wish I had better pictures, I have tried to get photos of things I've made, but for whatever reason most of these things didn't get pictures.  I do have one of the Grilled Ribeye with the Onion/Blue Cheese Sauce from above - it's not a great photo, but it'll have to do. :)

- M

Transitioning 101 - Therapy

In my last "Transitioning 101" post, I touched on HRT; and one of the routes to obtain HRT involves following the WPATH Standards Of Care (SOC) which involves obtaining a letter from a qualified mental health professional - which is generally a licensed therapist.

As I touched on in that prior post, this is the route I chose to take.  I chose that route mainly because I did (and still do) want to have SRS at some point and to my knowledge no surgeon - at least no reputable one - will perform SRS without following the WPATH SOC.  Now this alone did not preclude me from going one of the other two routes for HRT and then later dealing with obtaining the requisite letters for SRS, I felt if I was going to have to do so at some point anyway, well I might as well follow the SOC from the beginning.

Now my personal thoughts on therapy are no secret to anyone who's read much of this blog; but for those that haven't let me briefly touch on them.  I was never a believer in therapy for much of anything.  Maybe it's just me, maybe it's the way I was brought up, but whatever the reason(s) were for that I was a firm believer in handling your own issues and as such I felt that therapy was not only a waste of time/money, but also something that only "weak" people did.  So while I did make the decision, in conjunction with my wife J, to pursue therapy for the purpose of obtaining an recommendation letter for HRT, I wasn't overly enthusiastic about what that would entail.

That all being said, if you asked me today how I feel about therapy, the answer I'd give you would be 180 degrees from what it would've been before my transition.  I firmly believe that choosing to go that route was the right decision for me, and I no longer feel that therapy is a waste of time/money or that it's only for "weak" people.  I'm not saying it's for everybody, but I do think that for many who transition, the right therapist can be incredibly helpful.

Now, initially I was going to discuss my specific experiences with therapy and with my therapist, but I actually wrote a post about that a bit over a year ago.  For those that are interested in some "specifics" - like I was way back when - that post is HERE.  For those that don't really care about my specific experiences, which is probably most of you, I'm going to touch on a few points that I think are important and then wrap this up.  So in no particular order, here are some things that I feel are important when it comes to selecting a therapist, and therapy itself.  As always, these are simply my feelings and you may feel differently.

• Finding the right therapist is crucial in my opinion.  This is something that I struggled with as I couldn't find any that were reasonably close that seemed to be experienced with gender issues.  Eventually I expanded my search area and ran across several.  Now, me being me, I've always had a preference for dealing with women in general.  It doesn't matter what the context is, I'm just more comfortable around women and always have been so I immediately narrowed things down to female therapists.  I'm not saying that anyone else should or shouldn't do that specifically, but what I am saying is that it's important to be comfortable with your therapist and in my case I felt I'd be more comfortable dealing with a woman.  

• If per chance you don't mesh with your therapist, don't hesitate to move on.  I'm not saying you should ditch a therapist just because they might ask difficult questions or something; but if the therapist isn't right for you for whatever reason, talk to them about it and if things can't be worked out - well there are plenty of other therapists out there.

• Be open and honest with your therapist.  A good therapist isn't there to judge, they are there to listen and help you work through the things YOU want to work through.  I believe a good therapist will ask questions, maybe to fill in "blanks", maybe to flesh out things you've said, or maybe even to move things forward.  But regardless of the "why", a good therapist will have good reason(s) for those questions and by being open and honest you can only help yourself.  Now, I'm not saying that perhaps you might have thing(s) that you consider "off limits" for one reason or another and that's okay.  You shouldn't be afraid to do that; though I do believe that the more open you are and the more you are able to share, the more successful therapy can be.  

• Therapy isn't a "cookie cutter" solution.  If I had a dollar for every time I've seen a question on Reddit or elsewhere about "how long did it take to get a letter", I'd probably be retired by now.  Personally, I've ran across some people who got a letter after one visit, others who have been in therapy for a significant amount of time and are still working towards a letter, and plenty who fall in between.  I do think that if a letter is one of your goals from therapy that you should discuss that with your therapist early on.  In my case, I mentioned it when I was looking for a therapist as I wanted to be sure the one I chose was versed in writing them, and we discussed it at my first session as well.  

• Assuming that they are willing, and your therapist is as well, don't be afraid to involve those key people in your life in your with your therapy.  I've had my wife J along a few times and my "sister" M and my daughter P along once as well.  The first time each of them went with me, my therapist spoke to me alone first to see if there was anything that I considered "off limits" (there wasn't) and then spent some time alone with each of them, then we spent the last few minutes in there together.  Not everyone may want to do this, and I'm not saying it's crucial by any means; but I do feel it was helpful.  

• Just because a therapist doesn't offer to write a letter for HRT within the first five minutes of the initial session; or they ask questions that may require thought on your part; or a lot of other things - well that does not make them a "Gatekeeper".  All too often I see people tossing that phrase out indiscriminately and that's wrong.  Hey, I'm not saying that any given therapist or other professional isn't a "Gatekeeper" (though I really do dislike that word in general); but just because things aren't happening exactly how you envision them doesn't make them guilty of gatekeeping.  If you're only there for a letter and nothing else, then make the effort to find a therapist to "pencil whip" you a letter.  Don't head to a legitimate gender therapist and then badmouth them just because they actually expect you to make an effort.

Compared to the other posts in this series, this one is really more subjective than those.  As I said above, I'm sure that therapy isn't for everyone, though it's been great for me.  With that, it's getting late so I'm going to wrap this up.  Have a great weekend everybody and for those that celebrate it, a great Memorial Day as well.

- M

Transitioning 101 - HRT

For the vast majority of those who have or who plan to transition, Hormone Replacement Therapy or HRT for short, is an important goal and as such I felt it a good subject to add to this little series of posts.  For those that aren't familiar with what HRT is, there are tons of sites on the Internet that can explain it far better than I ever could here; but in simple terms for someone like myself who is a MtF it basically comes down to taking medication to suppress the testosterone that my bodily naturally produced while also introducing Estrogen (and in some cases other things) into my system.  As I said that's a very simplistic view of HRT and only from a MtF perspective, but for my purposes here I believe it will suffice.  As I only have experience from the MtF perspective this post will focus on that, though those going through a FtM transition also can undertake HRT as well with the focus on introducing testosterone into their systems.

Basically there are three ways to obtain HRT for the purpose of transitioning:

• Via the WPATH Standards Of Care (SOC).  This entails following the process that is outlined in the WPATH SOC which normally means obtaining an authorization letter from an appropriate mental health professional as a first step.  Upon obtaining that letter, the next step would be a visit to a medical professional, who can prescribe the appropriate medications and monitor the patients blood work at regular intervals.  This is generally done by an Endocrinologist, though other types of Doctors can do it such as in my case where a GP handles mine.

• Via "Informed Consent (IC)".  This process does not require following the WPATH SOC, instead it relies upon the individual to acknowledge the potential risks/benefits of the treatment.  As such it does not require any authorization from a mental health professional.  Rather it only requires a medical professional who is willing to follow the IC model.  Beyond that the process is generally the same, they prescribe appropriate medications and monitor blood work in generally the same manner as above.

• Via Self-Medication (DIY).  This process generally does not rely on medical professionals at all; though some will have their blood work done either independently or via their GP or other medical professional.  It does rely on obtaining the desired medication without a prescription which generally means having to order it from somewhere outside of the United States.  As a side note, it's my *understanding* that this isn't really an option for FtM transitioners (at least in the United States) as Testosterone is a controlled substance.

Each of these methods has their supporters as well as their detractors.  When I first was thinking about transitioning I looked into HRT quite a bit as it was something I wasn't very familiar with.  I gave each of those options plenty of thought and consideration.  For me personally I settled on the first (WPATH SOC) option above for reasons I'll get to later; but for now I thought I'd share my initial thoughts on each.  Please keep in mind that the thoughts below are *my own personal thoughts* - as best as I can recall them from nearly three years ago.  I'm not saying my thoughts are right for everybody, or even anybody, but they are what I thought at the time.

• The WPATH SOC route.  My first thoughts on this were that I didn't like it.  I'd never really been a proponent of "therapy" - I was raised to "handle my own problems" - so that was an immediate turn off.  Further more I wasn't really keen on having to justify myself to someone to be able to start HRT.  However, since I knew I did want to pursue SRS at some point and there were no surgeons (at least none that I can find) that would perform that without following the WPATH SOC, I felt that going this route for HRT might be beneficial.

• The IC route.  This actually held the most appeal to me; however, finding a Doctor who would do HRT via IC in this area did not seem like an easy task.  I did search a fair amount and the closest I came up with was several hours away in another state.  Additionally based upon my desire for SRS that I mentioned above, it made this option less attractive to me than the WPATH route.

• The DIY route.  The truth is that I never seriously considered this.  I saw many people who swore by it, no therapists to deal with, often no Doctors to deal with, and so on.  However, I also saw plenty of people having trouble getting and/or refilling their medications; and the fact that I was on other medicines further concerned me.  I never really gave this option serious consideration.

I put a lot of thought into those options and talked them over quite a bit with J as well.  We finally decided that since I did want to pursue SRS that the WPATH SOC option was what I should pursue.

Looking back nearly three years from when I made that decision I don't have a problem with the one I chose as I do still want SRS, though the timetable for that has been pushed back a bit further than we initially thought for various reasons.  And despite my prior aversion to therapy, I've been quite happy with the therapist I've chosen and I believe that was beneficial to me for many reasons.  I do now also believe that I could have been successful on the IC route.  However, I still think my decision was right for *ME* as like I said I'm happy with my therapist and I'm incredibly happy with the Doctor supervising my HRT and had if I had gone the IC route I wouldn't be dealing with either of them - not to mention the distance I'd have to travel to have arranged that.  I also still stand by the fact that I feel DIY was not for me.  I'm not going to disparage it, as for some it's their best and/or only option; though I do recommend for those that go the DIY route that if at all possible they still get their blood work checked as while they appear to be rare, there are potential issues with HRT.  This is a fact that I'm painfully aware of as even though my blood work is regularly monitored I did spend time in an emergency room and subsequently the hospital with an issue that was related to my HRT (though there were other medications that also contributed to things).

With that out of the way I'm going to talk about the medications I'm personally familiar with:

• Spironolactone - Which was used to reduce my testosterone levels.

• Estradiol - Which was used to increase my estrogen levels.

• Progesterone - Which in theory *may* help with breast development

I was on Spironolactone for approximately 15 months, starting at 50mg and ending at 200mg.  I say ending as once I had my Orchiectomy I no longer needed to take the medication.  I am still currently taking Estradiol and because of the aforementioned procedure (not to mention when I finally have SRS) I will do so indefinitely.  For the Estradiol I've been on it 29 months now.  I was started on 2mg, and worked up to my current 6mg; though pending my next blood work and visit with my HRT Doctor we may adjust that down to 4mg as my levels were a little higher than she would like at my last visit.  The last medication I listed - Progesterone - is something that I've only been on for the last 3 months.  I had read about it but as my Doctor had never brought it up and I hadn't found any conclusive data one way or the other on it's effectiveness, I had not broached it myself.  However, at my last visit in February, she did offer to put me on it and I decided to give it a try to see what (if anything) it might do for my breasts.  My dosage is 5mg, though unlike the other medications I've mentioned, that's not daily.  I'm currently on a 10 day on, 20 day off, cycle with it.  Now the medicines I'm on, much less their dosages may well likely vary from whatever anyone reading this may be on.  HRT is not a cookie cutter process.  There are lots of things that factor into it and plenty of different ways to handle it.  So anyone/everyone else's mileage may definitely vary.  Additionally, my initial dosages may seem overly low, and for many they are.  My HRT Doctor elected to start me on HRT at my first visit, but we agreed that we'd start with those low dosages to see how my body reacted, especially considering my other medications.  At my next visit (3 months later) after confirming my blood work looked good, my dosages were upped (100mg Spironolactone / 3mg Estradiol) and then later on they were upped again (200mg/4mg) and finally to (200mg/6mg).

That being said I thought I'd share some observations on each medication I've used.  Again, these are simply *my* observations, nothing more.  Each person's experience may well differ.

• Spironolactone (Spiro going forward as I'm tired of typing the whole name) - The dosages I was on - at least once I hit the 3 month mark of HRT and my initial dosages were upped - well they did the trick.  The "issue" I had with it was simply the fact that Spiro is a diuretic and considering I was already on a diuretic for my blood pressure, I spent *a lot* of time in the bathroom.  As such I was careful as to when I took it as I didn't want to be out shopping and have to make constant restroom stops, especially since at the time I wasn't really comfortable in the ladies room yet.  And yes I did broach the fact that perhaps I didn't need the blood pressure diuretic since I was on the Spiro, but my HRT Doctor really didn't want to pull me off of something she didn't prescribe in the first place; and my regular GP felt that they were enough different that I should stay on both.  Eventually I actually did end up off of both as I no longer needed Spiro, and after my aforementioned ER/Hospital visit it was determined that my blood pressure was under enough control that I no longer needed to be on that medication either.

• Estradiol - I didn't see many visible changes at the 2mg dosage; though perhaps part of that was that my Spiro dosage was also low at the time.  However, as the dosages went up I did start seeing changes such as breast growth, skin softening, and my body hair thinned out.  I haven't really seen much fat redistribution - perhaps it's my age, perhaps it's the fact that I've been actively losing weight, I don't know, but it's not the end of the world.  I will note that originally I simply swallowed the pills, but at some point - probably around the 4mg dosage - I started dissolving the pills under my tongue (sublingual) in lieu of swallowing them.  I have no way of knowing if this had any impact on the changes I noticed or if it was simply the dosage change; but either way I was happy with the way things going so I continue to take the medicine in that manner.

• Progesterone - This is a tough one to quantify as I've only been on it for three cycles.  I will say that J calls them my "c*nt pills" as she says they make me incredibly moody.  I personally don't see it, so I'm not sure if it's coincidence, if she's exaggerating, or if it's true as I have read accounts that back the moodiness up.  As far as results go, I do believe it is helping, but what I'm seeing may well be "in my mind" or even if things have improved with regards to my breast development, perhaps it's simply the Estradiol, I have no real way of knowing as of now.  Pending my next visit (which is actually today), I would like to continue on this medication for at least another three month set of cycles to see what happens.  

So that's my "experience" with HRT and the particular medications I'm on or have been on.  With that being said I do want to reiterate something that I actually dedicated a topic (well "half a topic") to on last February.  Specifically, about HRT NOT being "Magic".  What's below is an excerpt from that post that I still believe to be relevant some 15 months later:

That brings me to HRT.  Am I glad I'm on it?  By all means.  Have I seen the progress that some have?  Not even close.  Yes I've seen some progress, I have some breast growth, my skin is softer, and so on; but it hasn't done for me what it does for some.  However, even if it had - it's not some magic thing that will suddenly make you feel better.  HRT can make all the changes in the world, but if you don't work on your appearance, your voice, your mannerisms, etc., you still won't pass any better than you did pre-HRT.  And from a mental perspective you may feel better in that you're actually pursuing transition which may make you feel better mentally and possibly emotionally I suppose.  But again if you are making statements to the effect that if I can't get on HRT NOW I might end my life - well then I question if you really belong on HRT in the first place.  If you're in that kind of mental state, I just don't know that bringing hormones to the party is the right thing to do.  It especially bothers me when very young people make those kinds of statements - yes I understand that the younger you start the more changes you MAY see.  But I've seen plenty of older people who have done just fine.  I like to think my transition is going well and I'm in my 40's.  

There was more to the post than what is above - the full post is HERE for those that care, but the point I wanted to make is that while I do believe that HRT is an important component to transition, it is simply a component.  There are many other things that contribute to how successful (or not) a transition is.  I see far too many people that seem to honestly believe that they are going to get on HRT and suddenly everything will be rainbows and unicorns for them.  To paraphrase a commercial - "that's not how this works, that's not how any of this works".  And while I believe there are exceptions to what I'm about to say, I feel for the most part it's accurate.  A lot of people that do believe that HRT is the end-all, be-all, to their transition point to "transition timelines" that have been posted to make their point.  What I feel they are missing is that the vast majority of those timelines are NOT an apples to apples comparison.  There are often differences (and these mostly apply for MtF transitioners) such as:

• Lighting and angle of the photo - usually it's better in the later photos.

• Makeup.  It may be non-existent in the original/early photo(s), and it may be present in the later photos.  And even if it is present early on, it's often more expertly applied in the later photos.

• Hair.  Often hair has been grown/cut and/or styled in a more feminine way, or in the case of people such as myself the before was a balding photo and the after is a wig.

• Eyebrows.  This can be a big one as often in early photos eyebrows are unkept, bushy, etc.  In later photos they often have been waxed or threaded and generally look nicer.  It's amazing how much impact something as seemingly minor as eyebrows can make on a photo.

• Clothing.  Often there is a significant difference in the outfits in the early versus later photos and again this can make a huge difference.

I don't think I've ever seen a set of before/after photos that showed "huge" changes that didn't include one or more of the above points.  I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm sure there are "exceptions" out there, likely those who started HRT *very early*, but for most of us I don't believe that to be the case.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer in HRT, but only as a *part* of a transition and not as the one single key thing - I don't believe there is one single key thing that makes or breaks a transition, but that's simply my opinion.

With that I think I'll wrap up, I've got to get ready to go see my HRT Doctor, the appointment is still a few hours away, but to quote Baymax from Big Hero 6 - "I am not fast".  Plus she's 90 minutes from here so I need to get going.  

- M