Electrolysis Fun...

At my last laser appointment, I only had my lower area worked on and not my face.  We had agreed that I'd go in with a few days of facial hair growth to make a determination as to whether or not it was worth it to continue on my face.  Frankly I hadn't really had a good look at my face in a while as I hadn't went without shaving in a while and having several days of hair growth I do have some areas in my lip/chin and along the tops of my cheeks that she can probably still work on.  For the latter she's going to use smaller goggles on me so she can get to those areas.  However, she did suggest that I might want to go with some Electrolysis as well.

I had previously made that decision and thought I had a place lined up, but as things are my schedule became an issue and truthfully the place in question had pi**ed me off so I never made it there.  This time I got a referral from my laser tech to a place in the same building as they are that they speak highly of so last Friday I called for an appointment.  Unfortunately for me I didn't get around to calling until after they had closed for the day, but a very nice woman called me back early Saturday and we setup an appointment for this past Wednesday.

I arrived a bit early and got my paperwork filled out and was taken back a few minutes early.  It seems that anywhere I have an appointment these days is running late so being able to go back early was a nice change.  We had a brief consultation since I had done my research on the process and knew what I wanted.  The laser tech had suggested focusing on my lip/chin since those were the areas that would be the biggest impact at this point and I concurred.  Now I did make the decision to NOT have her only focus on dark hairs, but rather on all the hairs.  I have a fair amount of white hairs these days, I'm sure some of them were always there, but I do suspect that some of them are from where the laser didn't completely zap things, but either way they are there.  Now they aren't nearly as big a deal as the dark hairs, but I figured I'd be happier if everything was gone, so that's what I settled on.

She started on the right side of my lip area and the first few minutes was a piece of cake.  However, as she got closer to the center of my lip area, well my lack of pain tolerance kicked in.  I know a lot of people say it doesn't or they say it's like a rubber band snapping, well for them I'm happy.  For me the center area of my lip hurt - a lot.  I suspect it probably hurts less than the laser does; but the laser is only a few zaps across the whole lip and this was hair by hair and I had plenty and the cumulative affect of the zaps started to get to me.  She switched to the other side and started working in from there and while it wasn't as painful as the center that hurt somewhat.  I assume because I had been worn down by then.  As she got closer to the center from that side, I wasn't sure if I'd make it through the whole lip or not, but I managed to.  We did agree at that point that I had probably had enough for the day and broke off there.

Once we were finished we took care of the fee, which she adjusted down from the hour I was scheduled for.  Many places would not do that and I would not have been upset if she hadn't since they had blocked the time off for me, but I was appreciative that she did so.  We got my next appointment scheduled which is actually in two weeks since I do have a laser appointment next week and considering it takes my face a couple of days to recover from that I didn't think doing both the same week was a good idea.  Once that was done she gave me some ice for my lip and I was on my way.

I can't say enough about how nice and compassionate she was and she seemed very efficient, though I don't really have a frame of reference to compare her too on that. I'll probably have more to say after the second session as I will be using some numbing cream then and probably some OTC pain reliever beforehand.  I elected to not do either of those this time as I felt I needed to know how it felt - I did the same on my first laser session.  Plus as she pointed out the upper lip is generally the most sensitive area on the face and while I'm sure there will be some cleanup there from hairs that weren't active this week, I imagine the focus will be on my chin this time.  I know from the laser that the chin hurts, but not as much as the upper lip, so....

-M

Some Thoughts On Spike TV's Ink Master...

I normally don't take the time to comment or "review" TV shows or movies.  There are a couple of reasons for that, the first being that most of the time anything I could say has already been said (and probably said better) by others.  The second is that often by the time I see something it's been out for a good while.  As an example I recently watched Leverage from beginning to end on Netflix, and it's been off the air for a while.  By the time I got into some other shows such as White Collar or Burn Notice they were at or near the end of their runs as well.

There are a couple of shows that are exceptions to this.  One is Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. which still has a few weeks before season 3 starts; and Ink Master.  I, along with M and J, have watched every episode of every season of Ink Master, up and including the episode this week.  As such I have some observations (which others have probably made) and some suggestions (which nobody in a position to do something with them will ever read) to make.

First off let me start by saying, while I have watched every episode, this season (season 6) is the first season where I didn't do so either live or within a day or two of airing.  In fact, J and I just binge watched the first 9 episodes on her last couple of days off and then caught the 10th (and current) episode a couple of hours after it aired.  Now why do I make this point?  Well, mainly because the show isn't holding the same interest for me (or J, or even M) that it once did - and that's the main reason for this post.

For those that know me, they may well be surprised that I watch this show at all since I'm not a "tattoo person".  M has 4 or 5, P has 2, J and I each have one, and M2 has none.  For me it's not so much about the tattoo's, but rather the amazing art work that these people can come up with and bring to life.  I've never been artistic, but I've always been amazed by those that are and Ink Master did a great job early on illustrating this.  The "early on" part of that last sentence brings me to my main issue with the show as it exists today.

The first season, the show was truly about the tattoo's and that seemed to be the focus.  As the seasons have progressed, the priority seems to have shifted to just how much drama can be shown.  This has manifested itself in many ways;

• The primary one being interactions "in the loft" where the artists stay.  Early on, especially in season one, those were simply to "flesh things out" a bit and were not really the focal point of the show.  You'd see the artists discussing their lives, the challenges, or even the tattoo's they had done.  Now don't get me wrong, there was always "some drama", but it didn't seem to be the focus.  As the seasons have progressed, the video of the loft interactions has become less about the artists and the tattooing, but more about infighting and drama among the artists.  I know this may sound funny since it's always been a "reality show", but early on it didn't feel like the stereotypical reality show, and now it does and that's disappointing.

• The introduction of the "human canvas jury" in season three has been nearly as bad.  Obviously a huge part of the show has always been the judges critiques of the artists work.  But in the first couple of seasons this was almost always done without any of the human canvas's present.  That's still the case for the most part; but starting with season three, all of the human canvas's now meet to discuss the "worst tattoo of the day".  Now, this is heavily edited as is the rest of the show, but the vast majority of the video that they do show focuses on the "group" tearing into each tattoo.  To me, this is nothing more than another way to "increase the drama" as almost without fail when the artists are done with their tattoos, the human canvas is shown as being very happy with the work.  Having this "jury", to me is about on the same level as tossing a single steak to a pack of hyenas.  Having a bunch of people sit there and pick at something that you've just spent 4-6 hours having permanently placed on your body - well at it's core isn't much more than a group bully session.  Now, I realize that these people should know what they signed up for, but do they really need to do this?  From what I can tell, for the most part it doesn't have much (if any) impact on the actual judging anyway.  I think if somebody is really and truly not happy with their artists work, they could simply bring them down and let them say their piece to the judges in lieu of this "jury" idea; for that matter they could let every canvas do that - after all the judges go out of their way to tell the artists how important it is to work with their clients and make them happy, so why not get the actual opinions of the canvas's, without it being clouded by the tear downs that come from the jury session?

• As much as I dislike the whole human canvas jury, what bugs me even more is how the eliminations go.  Early on, it was pretty cut and dried - the judges gave their critiques and the artists responded to those, and then a decision was made.  In fact in season one, part of the reason for Bili being eliminated was not taking responsibility for his shortcomings.  Somewhere along the line, at least for most of the artists, it's turned into "throw everyone else under the bus" when it comes to critiques.  Instead of defending their own work on it's merits, they are more concerned about trying to pick apart the work of the others up for elimination.  I'm sure the "powers that be" find this to be "compelling television", but I don't.  In a lot of ways, I shouldn't be surprised as society as a whole has morphed from an era where personal responsibility was a way of life, to an era where there is little or no personal responsibility.  Maybe I'm just getting old, or maybe I'm just naive, but this has always bothered me and to see a show I like taking this route bugs me.  Perhaps this is simply the personality of the particular artists that have been chosen for later seasons, but I *strongly* suspect that it's more of the "powers that be" encouraging this, or at least editing things so that it comes across this way.

• To further expound on the eliminations, the "woe is me" factor has really gotten out of hand as well.  On the most recent season for example, one of the artists (Duffy) all but had a melt down both in the loft and in the elimination because she was missing her daughters birthday.  To the judges credit - and I believe it was Chris Nunez that said it - they pointed out that she *knew* that her child's birthday would fall during the competition and if she wasn't prepared to deal with that then perhaps she should have rethought coming.  I don't want to pick on Duffy, or even necessarily focus on her when it comes to this, as she's far from the only artist who's played the "woe is me" card.

• One last gripe about the eliminations.  For the first season, the contestants probably had little or no idea of what kinds of tattoos they'd need to do; they were basically going in blind.  But for subsequent seasons, especially these last couple - how on earth do these contestants act surprised that they might need to be able to do (in no order):  black and grey, color, portraits, American traditional, Japanese, pinup girls, and so on?  The judges have made it clear over the years that to be "Ink Master" you have to be able to do everything; but yet constantly I see artists that say "I don't do <insert tattoo style here>".  Shouldn't these artists have made an effort to learned these styles before singing up to compete?  Especially the styles that are near and dear to the judges (American Traditional for Oliver Peck and Japanese for Chris Nunez)?  Season six has been even worse as I've watched multiple artists whine that they are having issues dealing with being told what style to do.  Umm, have they never seen the show before?  What did they think they were signing up for?

I have some other issues with the show that fall outside of the "drama" that I've focused on, so let me touch on a few of those.

• The first season finale has stuck with me throughout the show.  The judges said that Tommy's pinup girl was the "best tattoo of the season", yet they awarded the title of Ink Master to Shane based upon his "body of work".  That bugged me at the time and still does.  But what really bugs me is that in seasons since then it seems like they've awarded overall victory more than once to artists that had the best final tattoo, but a lesser "body of work" over the entire season.  Pick a set of rules and go with it.

• Product placement.  Look, I get it, it helps pay for the show and Ink Master is far from the first show or movie to do it.  But some of it is out of hand - I'm looking at the Taco Bell "Live Mas" stuff from season six as an example.  If they are going to do this placement, at least try and do a better job of integrating it into the show.  Some of the placements have included a special prize for an artist(s) - which at least to me makes it a little better; but others such as this seasons Taco Bell placement added nothing to the show in my opinion and as such turned me off more than a bit.  As an example of what I think was good placement was the Star Wars challenge from season two.

• Lose the "team" challenges - at least for eliminations.  This became a real issue here in season six when two of the best (possibly *the two best*) artists ended up facing off in an elimination in episode seven (less than halfway through the season).  Not only did the season lose a good artists, but it also lost arguably the biggest "sh*t disturber"; so I suspect that the powers that be may rethink some things.  I did admire Katie speaking up when the judges seemed to consider not eliminating either of the two artists in that episode as it wasn't everyone else's fault that the rules of the game came back to bite the show in the backside.

• The judging bugs me as well.  Dave Navarro seems to focus on the specific challenge which I think is the way it should be; but the two tattoo "experts" (Oliver Peck/Chris Nunez) often "go off the reservation" and base their decisions on body of work, etc., which I don't think is right.  Why have specific challenges if the artists aren't actually going to be judged on those challenges?  Its like giving the other artists and the viewers a huge middle finger in my opinion.

• There have been occasional Ink Master specials and while most have been good, I did take exception to the Master versus Master show prior to season six.  Four of the first Five masters came back, the exception being Shane from season one.  Look, I don't have an issue with him not coming back, especially if that was *HIS* decision.  But why not explain why he wasn't there and the other four masters were?  Doesn't the audience deserve that?  And the format agitated me as frankly while I'll admit I don't like Scott very much, to get into the finals he lucked out as I believe he had the 3rd best tattoo of the 4; but because the two best had gone up against each other one of them was eliminated.  Now Scott did a nice job in the final; but in reality he really didn't deserve to get there.  Now I know this is often how it goes in sports, etc. (see the NL Central race in Major League Baseball this year); but it still agitated me.

There are other things, but I think I've rambled on long enough.  Now don't get me wrong, I do still like the show overall and have really enjoyed the early seasons.  I just feel that the things above, if changed, could greatly improve the show; although I'm also realistic enough to understand that many of the things I've railed against are done in the name of ratings, so if my options are to have to deal with these things or lose the show - well I'll deal with them.  But I won't be as hooked on the show as I have been in the past either.

- M

St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 12

Well it's been several weeks since I've written a post on this subject, and for that matter I haven't written much at all the last month or two, in fact it appears that I went the entire month of August without a post.  So I felt I should knock out a few posts, so this makes two in two days (well really about 10 minutes, but....).

Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts:  My Transgender Experiences.  

Restaurants:

• Ethyl's Smokehouse (O'Fallon, Missouri) - I have spend nearly all of my life living in and around the O'Fallon area and am old enough to remember when the building that is Ethyl's Smokehouse was "Bubba and Coy's Catfish" (which I ate at several times as a child), but while we have driven by Ethyl's more times that I can count over the years, I had never been there.  I suppose primarily because it comes across as a "bar" and we're not really drinkers; but M and I were out running around the other day and I really wanted to try something new for lunch and we settled on Ethyl's and I'm glad we did.  Since it's not really the focus of this blog, I won't go into the details of the meal, those can be found in the Yelp review I left HERE, instead I'll focus on how I was treated.  From the moment we walked in, until the moment we left, I was treated as any other woman.  Even though my voice probably slipped here and there, our server never wavered on pronoun usage or politeness.  While I generally have good experiences, this one was exceptionally good and I wish every experience went this well.
• Pi Pizzeria (Kirkwood, Missouri) - Pi isn't some large national chain, they have a few locations in St. Louis, one in Washington D.C., and one in Cincinnati, Ohio.  However, thanks to some love from President Obama, they are a little more well known than most chains their size.  J and I visited here after our most recent laser appointment; and since I was having my face done yet again I wasn't in any makeup or even dressed overly nice.  That being said, I was treated wonderfully.  As far as the food, well it's a touch "fru fru" for me, but it was good and we would go back.  As a side note, we visited around 4:30pm or so on a Monday - before their dinner rush, so they were *very* slow, I'd be curious to see how our experience is when they are in their dinner rush.  As a side note - especially timely considering another recent blog post - their bathrooms are single person uni-sex bathrooms which was nice.
• Fox & Hound (Chesterfield, Missouri) - I always hate to put too much weight on a single experience, be it good or bad, especially at a restaurant - but we were very pleased with our experience here.  We elected to sit in the "dining area" (which is fairly small) versus the bar area, so our experience is based upon that.  Now let me first say that I was not wearing makeup or a wig, we had a laser appointment a few days prior and my face was still in pretty bad shape.  However, despite that fact, I still got ma'am and together we got "ladies" from the hostess, our server, the manager when he "touched our table", and the other server who dropped off some of our food.  That alone, scored them points with me/us as often times when I'm out sans hair/makeup, I either get no pronouns or on occasion male ones.  I don't let that bother me when it happens, but I do prefer to hear feminine pronouns, so as I said I was very happy with that.  The food was great, and our service was also quite good.  All in all, I'm sorry we hadn't eaten there before and I really hope our future visits go as well as this one did.

Retailers:

• Dollar Tree (Bridgeton, Missouri) - Typical Dollar Tree experience, store personnel were all polite and customers tend to be focused on themselves so it was a typical un-eventful experience for me which is always nice.

• Payless Shoe Source (St. Charles, Missouri) - We popped in here (as well as the one in O'Fallon) looking for a replacement pair of flats for me.  The pair I currently wear most of the time actually has a small heel on them.  When M bought those for me, I didn't like them, but after wearing them over time they've become my favorites and I wanted a similar pair.  Unfortunately I guess they aren't in season at the moment so I couldn't find something I liked in my size.  However, the store personnel were very nice and helpful and treated me wonderfully.  
• Ruler Foods (St. Ann, Missouri) - For those not familiar with Ruler Foods, it's an "Aldi's" equivalent owned by Kroger.  The one in St. Ann opened a few months ago and M wanted to check it out.  The store is really similar to Aldi's.  We did find enough things cheaper to justify the trip since we stocked up on some things such as block cheese, but normally unless we were in the area it wouldn't be worth the drive for us.  The store personnel were all nice and polite and treated me as any other woman.
• Trader Joe's (Chesterfield, Missouri) - I had never been to a Trader Joe's, though J had.  Well last weekend we were bored and decided to go running around and somehow we ended up here.  To be honest much of the food is a touch "fru fru" for me; but we did pick up a few things and everyone there was so incredibly nice.  We will definitely go back.

Services:

• South Providence Medical Clinic (Columbia, Missouri) - This "clinic" has replaced the Green Meadows clinic in Columbia.  It's a nice, new, modern building perhaps a mile or two down the road from the aforementioned Green Meadows building.  I believe the majority of the providers (perhaps all?) from the old clinic have moved down here, but regardless of that Dr. Swenson, who has handled my HRT since I started it and has recently became my GP moved down here so I have as well.  There is a lot to like about the new clinic, and a couple of things I don't like as much.  It has a much more open floor plan which is nice in some ways, but annoying in others since it's not as "intimate" as the old clinic since the different teams have a common waiting area now.  Additionally I miss the nice fish tank from the older building as well.  On the plus side, there are multiple reception areas to get checked in which makes the process faster in general; and the rooms are obviously newer and have a nicer setup.  One of the nicest things for me is that they can check you out in the exam room - they don't always do it, but when they do it's nice since I don't have to make an extra stop at the reception desk.  This can include scheduling appointments.  They have a lab onsite as well, which I did make use of at a prior visit, they were very quick and efficient which was appreciated.  My results were up on their MU Healthe site the next morning which is quicker than I was accustomed to when using the lab here at the Tri-County location.  Dr. Swenson and her nurse are still just as wonderful as always and all of the reception personnel have been great - even considering a "check-in snafu" at a prior appointment.  I still strongly recommend Dr. Swenson and South Providence has been just as good, if not better, than Green Meadows so I'd give it a strong recommendation as well.

Since I like to have a thumbnail, here's a picture of J and I the day we went to Columbia for my checkup and shopping with her and M.  I'm not overly happy with the picture - I'm not sure if it's us getting used to the new camera or if I just didn't look as good as I'd have liked, but "it is what it is", so...

There are a few other places I should note, but I'll save those for the next entry.  So with that I'll wrap this post up.  As always have a great day.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Bathrooms

It's been a while since I've written a Transitioning 101 piece.  That coupled with the fact that I recently headed to Columbia for a quarterly checkup on my HRT medicine got me to thinking about "bathrooms".  For those that don't regularly read this blog, the reason the trip to Columbia is relevant is that it's about 90 minutes from home each direction and as such even if I'm just going for the Doctor and coming right home it's at least a 4+ hour trip and on those occasions when either J or M (or both) come with me - as they both did this trip - it often turns into a good 6-8+ hour day out and I simply cannot avoid using a public restroom during an outing of that length.

For me, and frankly from the amount of discussion I've seen on this topic in various places I'm far from the only one who has concerns about using the bathroom during their transition.  This whole series has had a fair amount of personal thoughts and experiences; but as this topic was such a concern of mine the focus will be on my thoughts and experiences even more than normal.  As always, nobody has to agree with my thoughts or how I did things, it's simply what worked *for me*.

Maybe I'm naive, but I really think that something that sounds so natural - being able to use the bathroom that corresponds to your gender identity - shouldn't end up being not that simple and at times far worse than that.  Despite my concerns and worries about bathroom usage during my transition, I've been lucky and had no issues; but I've read far too many accounts from those that have.  That doesn't even touch on the seemingly non-stop legislative attempts to control bathroom usage.  I can't speak for everyone, but I believe the majority of us can sum things up with this - #IJustWantToPee...

When I initially wrote this I got a lot more personal than I've normally gotten in these "Transitioning 101" posts and upon thinking about it for a while I've decided to remove most of that as it's better meant for it's own post.  That being said, I do still have plenty of thoughts about the bathroom and I am going to share those here.

Now with that being said, here are some thoughts on bathroom usage from me.  I know I always say this and I've already said it here; but once again these are simply *MY OPINIONS* and nothing more.  If you agree great, if you disagree that's fine too.  They aren't rules or guidelines, but simply one Trans-woman's thoughts on things based upon HER experience(s).  And again, since I have a MtF perspective on things, these are slanted towards that perspective.  I'm not trying to ignore/minimize FtM or anyone else, but I haven't lived/experienced life from those other perspectives so I'm choosing not to comment on them.

• If you aren't comfortable using the ladies room, it's not a crime to seek out a family restroom to use; or if you are comfortable with doing so - the mens room.  You need to do what's best for you at the time and not feel pressured into doing something you aren't comfortable with or don't feel safe doing.

• Thankfully (in my opinion) the ladies room has stalls and no urinals, so there is a modicum of privacy.  That being said, do yourself a favor and don't "stand up" facing the toilet.  Your feet will be facing "the wrong way" and somebody very well might notice.  If that happens you may well be facing some unwanted attention.  And even if someone doesn't notice your feet, unless you are careful with your "stream", it'll make far more noise coming from a standing position than a seated position and again may well draw unwanted attention.

• This one is more of a personal thing for me, but as I mentioned above I'm not at a point where I'm happy with nor overly confident in my voice.  As such, I don't "linger" in the ladies room.  I get in and I get out.  That doesn't mean I won't stop to check (and fix if need be) my makeup, or wash my hands, but I don't dawdle while doing so as I want to minimize the chance that I'll get dragged into a conversation.

• The above statement being made, don't hesitate to take the time *you need* to use the restroom, to check your makeup, and so on.  That being said, it's impolite to spend 5-10 minutes tying up a sink doing your makeup if people are waiting to wash their hands.

• For me, I no longer hesitate to hit the ladies room by myself when I need to.  That being said, it was very helpful early on to have someone to go with me; and frankly while I suppose it is a stereotype of sorts, women do seem to make a restroom visit a "group outing". :)

• I read something on Reddit a few weeks ago, and questioning a few cis-women, it seems to be more or less true.  It seems that most men tend to drop their clothing around their ankles when in a stall and most women tend to keep theirs up at their knees.  Yes this is a generalization, and yes most people won't notice, but in a crowded restroom it is one more thing that might stand out so take it for what it is worth.

• These go for any restroom in my opinion, but make sure you wipe the seat off if necessary and make sure you flush if it's not an automatic toilet.  Nobody wants to walk into a mess.  And if you like/use those seat covers (and I personally do), don't leave them on the seat for the next person, flush it.

• If you are wearing a skirt/dress, make sure the back of it isn't caught in your panties or hosiery.  And I believe a "girl rule" is to warn another woman if her's is as well.  :)

There are probably plenty more that others could add, but I think this is a good start, and I really should wrap this up.  There will be a follow-up post in the next couple of days that's a touch more personal; I just didn't feel like it really belonged here.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Pronouns

I wanted to get back to my little series of "Transitioning 101" posts and this subject came up elsewhere the other day and I did actually dive into the discussion on it as while I felt there were some great points and thoughts shared there I also took issue with some of what was being shared.  While all of the posts in this series have been at least semi-personal; this one will definitely be very personal as I have strong thoughts on some things when it comes to pronouns.  As always, they are simply *my thoughts*, nothing more, nothing less.  If you agree with some/any/all of them - well great.  If you disagree with some/any/all of them - that's great too.  I'm more than willing to entertain anyone else's viewpoints on anything, especially this.

For myself, especially early on, I didn't really worry about pronouns all that much.  I knew my presentation wasn't great, and my voice even worse.  Looking back on it 3+ years later it's probably even worse than I thought it was back then from an appearance perspective and while my voice is better these days it's still not great so I know it was bad back then.  As such I more or less felt like the proverbial "man in a dress" quite a bit of the time, so I sort of expected to not hear things like she/her/ma'am/etc; and quite often I didn't even when presenting female.  I'm not saying I got he/him/sir/etc, rather what I usually got back then was a complete lack of pronouns from people.  That really didn't bother me all that much, though it was disappointing to for example go to a restaurant with J or M and hear them refer to us as "ladies" or have a server say something like "and for you ma'am?" and then when they'd hear my voice or get a better look at me drop all pronouns.  But as I said, I more or less didn't expect much so for me it was of a disappointment in myself than anything.  I had failed to "do enough to pass/blend" - be it my voice, my appearance, or whatever.  I never really got upset at anyone other than myself (with one notable exception) because I never felt it was coming across as malicious.

That being said, I do vividly remember the first time I got referred to as "ma'am" and the person honestly meant it.  I had left an appointment with my therapist and was feeling pretty good about myself.  As it happened I was by myself which at the time was out of the ordinary, but J had to work and M had an appointment.  I was hungry, so I went by a Lion's Choice (a regional roast beef chain, far superior to Arby's IMO) for lunch.  For whatever reason my voice was reasonable that day and I suppose I looked fairly nice.  If I had just gotten it from one person I might have blown it off, but both the person taking my order and the person who presented my order used ma'am and it didn't come across as the "just being polite" kind of ma'am I had gotten in the past.  Now maybe I was just in an overly positive mood that day, but it really seemed like I had blended in and I was very happy about it.

Over time it's gotten better and better, to the point where it's only those rare occasions where I don't get a pronoun at all, and I honestly can only recall perhaps two times since I chose to transition where I've been presenting fully as female where I've gotten a male pronoun thrown my way.  However, this leads me to one of my points for this post.  I see a great many people who let it ruin their day if they get mis-gendered and while I understand that, I also think that perhaps there is a better way to look at it.  If I don't get she/her/ma'am/etc from someone and I am presenting full on female, then rather than let it ruin my day, I try and evaluate *why* that happened.  Did my voice slip?  Is there an issue with my hair and/or makeup, or clothing?  Were my mannerisms off?  Something else?  Sure in some instances it may have simply been a conscious choice on the person's part to use gender-neutral pronouns or simply none at all - I know in the past I've done that myself.  But I feel that more often than not, it is because of something on my part and I want to figure out what that something is so I can correct it going forward.  So rather than get upset and let it ruin my outing/day, I try and use it as sort of a teaching moment for myself.  Now, if I feel it was maliciously done - which has only been the case perhaps twice in 3+ years, then yes I will say something to the appropriate people.  But even in those couple of instances, I still was more interested in determining what I could do better or differently to have prevented that.  I'm not saying that everyone can/should do what I do, but perhaps it is something to consider.

Another hot button is how to handle pronouns when talking about a person in their "pre-transition" days.  The consensus seems to be to use the pronouns that are appropriate to the persons current gender presentation and I tend to agree with that for the most part.  That being said, I do prefer when/if possible to find out how the person wishes to be referred to.  So if for example Caitlyn Jenner preferred to have her Olympic experiences discussed using the name of "Bruce Jenner" and male pronouns because that's how she was presenting at the time, well then I'd want to honor her wishes.  Now if for whatever reason it's not possible to find out how a person wishes to be referred to in their pre-transition days, then for me I'm going to err on the side of caution and use their current name and pronoun choices.  The main reason *I* would do that is to avoid potentially outing someone.  In the case of Ms. Jenner, I don't think it's really possible to "out" her, but for many who are/have transitioned, it is possible and it is not my place to do that.

Now with that being said, I do personally draw one major exception in regards to *myself*.  And that is when people are discussing me in my pre-Madison days.  As an example, I've talked about one of my Uncle's in this blog before that has been really supportive of me.  When talking to me or about me in the present, he flawlessly uses Madison and female pronouns.  However, when he starts talking about me in days past, such as when I was a ring bearer at his wedding, he tends to slip into using my old name and male pronouns.  Again, I know for many people this would really bother them, and I fully understand that.  But for me, while I'd prefer to hear "Madison" and "she/her/etc", I feel that his memories of those times are of me presenting as a male, going by the name he used in telling his story and as such I personally don't expect him to alter his memories on the fly.  Would I be happier if he could/would?  Of course.  But I'm not going to hold it against him if he doesn't.  I'm happy that he's supportive of me and I'm not about to make an issue over something like this.  I'm not saying that my approach is necessarily right for anyone else, but it's what works for me.

It's late and I should wrap this up and get to bed.  Looking back over what I've written, I almost feel that this post doesn't fit in with the rest of the ones in this little series, but what's done is done.  So with that I bid everyone a good night.

- M

A Nice Day Out...

I tend to try and not write about specific days out, as I figure for the most part nobody cares about that out other than me. However, yesterday was an exceptionally nice and fun day and if for no other reason that for me to be able to go back and remember the day, I wanted to write a bit about it.  So if you don't want to hear about my "outing" then feel free to skip over this post, my feelings won't be hurt.  :)

M was taking a few vacation days and had mentioned doing some running around when she got off work Saturday morning and I thought it would be good to get out and about since I haven't done much of that lately due to the heat.  Unfortunately, J had to work an early shift which for her is 8-6 and couldn't go out with us.  So, as is normal, I was up early to get her lunch prepared for work and once she left I set about doing some "clean up" work on my body.  With it being so hot, I had wanted to wear a dress - I've picked up several "summery" ones lately - a couple of longer ones, and a couple of knee length ones.  I had worn one of the shorter ones (a black and white one) the other night when J and I ran out to grab some things, so I wanted to try out the other which is an orange and white one.  Orange isn't normally a color I pick out, but I'm making a concerted effort to get some brighter colors in my wardrobe since most of what I have is black or other dark colors.  Now the other night when I ran out with J my legs weren't exactly in the shape I'd like so I opted for some pantyhose which I really did like - it was the first time I had tried "suntan" ones - but I knew it would be too hot for those so I needed to touch up my legs, and while I was at it my arms and chest needed some work and obviously my face.

M and offered to help me with my makeup.  Normally I wear a heavy foundation, but that was picked out probably two years ago when I was just starting my laser.  It's a nice foundation, but with it being so hot and my face being so much clearer now thanks to the laser, M felt I could get by with some concealer and BB cream.  I was a bit skeptical, but in hindsight I think it was a good choice and it actually held up pretty well.  Actually, we went fairly light on all my makeup, it was probably as close to a "natural" look as I've ever been out in and going forward, especially while it remains warm it's probably the kind of look I'll be trying to use for the most part.  My outfit consisted of the aforementioned orange dress, a bra and panties, and my favorite white heels, though I took a pair of casual orange flats that I really like, but don't normally get to wear in case my feet hurt.  Normally I don't do that, but I haven't worn heels very much this summer and I knew I'd be out for a while.  Back to the outfit, I really do love the dress, but it was an experience as it is more of a summery dress and I'm not used to wearing those, so I felt almost a little "naked" at first.  :)  We added a bit of jewelry, a nice little necklace that I picked up a while ago, a matching "gummi bear" bracelet and earrings that we found at Claire's recently, a cheesy anklet since I love those, and my prior wig - the shorter one - since it was so hot.  I also swapped out my favorite black purse with a one that J got me last year.  Here's the "outfit", try and ignore the expression as M managed to snap the photo at an inopportune moment. :)

We had initially thought we'd go looking for a new pair of flats for me, probably at Payless since they carry my size, as the pair I wear primarily has seen better days.  We were also going to run by a Dollar Tree, perhaps get some lunch, and then do some grocery shopping as she needed to get some things to make a dinner that M2 had asked her for.  So nothing really special, really just a few errands was to be it.

We ended up hitting two different Payless stores and I never really found what I was looking for - at least not in my size.  The current flats I tend to wear actually have a bit of a heel on them and while I didn't like that when M first gave them to me, now I really do.  They had some similar, but one pair was slightly too big and one slightly too small - at my size they only do full sizes and I really needed either something on the half-size or if the larger pair had not been a "wide" they might have worked.  M did find a couple of pairs of really cute wedges, one of which I wished came in my size.  :)

We also did hit a couple of Dollar Trees, M had a field day there, I personally didn't find much, but the overall experience was good.  The highlight of the day was probably our lunch.  There's a place not too far from us - Ethyl's Smokehouse, that we've been by hundreds of times over the years and never tried.  Mainly because it has the look of a "bar" and we don't really drink.  However, I really wanted to try something new and M had expressed a desire to try it as well so we ended up there.  I won't dwell on the experience as I've already written a Yelp review on it, but suffice it to say the food was good, and the service was excellent.  And while I was making an effort with my voice, I know it slipped a couple of times to our server and yet she never faltered with pronouns nor changed the way she treated us.  We'll definitely be back.  We did also hit the grocery store, a new "Ruler Foods" which from what I understand is basically Kroger's version of "Aldi".  It's far enough from us that we probably wouldn't normally go in there, but we did get enough things to make it worthwhile and again everybody was so nice there.

It was so hot, that despite bringing a cooler and getting ice, we decided to bring the food home and the intent had been to call it day since M had been up all night working; but I had been talking about getting a new purse since my favorite black Guess bag is showing some wear; so she talked me into heading over to a Ross as while it's not my favorite place to shop, they do have some nice purses that are fairly reasonable.  As it was, I found several I liked, including a couple of Betsy Johnson ones that in years past I never would have even considered.  But all in all, I *liked* them, I didn't *love* them so I couldn't pull the trigger.  The trip wasn't a waste though as we picked up several clothing items for her, J, P, and myself, as well as a cute pair of wedges similar to the white ones I had on today.

We stopped at a McDonald's as I had to use the restroom (again), and that store happens to be across the street from a Beauty supply place that M frequents so we went in and looked around.  Normally I'm not a huge fan of the place as their jewelry and such isn't really my thing.  However, I did find a couple of cute things for my hair (hopefully), and a nice anklet, all for a dollar a piece.  They do also have a huge amount of wigs - the vast majority of them very cheap.  The even carry the brand I use (Estetica) and while those aren't overly cheap, they are a good 20+% cheaper than what I normally pay.  I'm tempted to try a couple of the ones they have as there were some I liked in the $40-$50 range and I normally pay $150-$300 for mine.  If they work out, then great, if not, well I'm not out all that much.  The highlight of this visit was how polite the store personnel were.  The person in charge recognized M and asked if we were sisters.  I don't know that I believe that she really thought that, but I would believe I was at least passable enough for her to say it and that made me feel good as at this point we had been out about 8 hours and my makeup hadn't melted. :)

From there we hit another grocery store to get a few more things for M's dinner and headed home.  By the time we put them all away it was well after 6pm and J was on her way home.  Now normally I would have removed the hair, makeup, and clothes, and settled into my typical around the house wear.  But I still felt good, I thought I looked reasonably good, and I wanted to take J out to dinner.  With it being Saturday and me telling M that I'd see that P got up for work and we'd take her to work, we didn't have a lot of time, so we settled on Qdoba since it's close, it's quick, and we can agree on it. :)  Despite a bit of a debate over something, it was a nice dinner out with J, and it capped off a really fun and nice day for me.  All told I think I ended up in about a dozen stores and restaurants, as well as several ladies rooms, and had no issues, and was treated incredibly well everywhere.  I guess that last part shouldn't surprise me as I almost never have an issue, but me being a glass half-empty person I always sort of expect to.  Now if I could just get the voice down, things would be even better.

I know it probably sounds like a dull day to many and in reality it probably is.  But it wasn't about what we did, it was simply that I was able to be out and about the whole day with people I really like and care about and have a good time doing it.  It was also great to be able to get out in such minimal makeup (and no foundation) and still be at least reasonably "passable".  That was a lesson I needed to learn as I have a hard time justifying the time to do a full makeup job to run to the store, but what M showed me only took her 5 minutes tops (so probably 10 for me LOL), but is something I could do for those short little spur of the moment trips and I'll feel better about myself than going out without hair and makeup and being basically androgynous.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that look, goodness knows I've done it a lot over the years.  But I am one of those people that does want to wear the dresses, makeup, heels, etc., and a lot of times I don't because I feel over dressed.  However, dressed like this, I felt comfortable in places like the grocery store and that made me feel good.

With that I think I'll wrap this up as I've babbled on for what seems like forever and as I said above I'm sure this topic will bore most people, but I had a great day and I wanted to be able to look back on this post and remember just how great a day I had.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Managing Expectations

Most of the topics in this "Transitioning 101" series I've been writing off and on about are things that I've been fairly significantly impacted by (both good and bad); but the majority of those things were more or less "external" things that impacted me.  Expectations however; are more of an internal impact; though there are also external expectations such as those from family, friends, employer(s), etc.  That being said, this topic going to focus on those internal expectations that come with transitioning.  One side note, while I tend to focus on Trans-women since that's the demographic I fall into personally, this post will definitely skew towards that even more than normal.  

I think the best place for me to start is with myself.  I have a tendency to expect the worst, or at least towards the worst, when it comes to the outcome of anything, not just things related to my transition.  Some (many?  most?) would say that's not a great way to go into things, but over the years it's worked for me.  The vast majority of the time things do go better, often far better, than what I expected and I believe that helps keep me happy.  And for those rare occasions that things do go poorly, well then I got about what I expected.  I believe that this attitude of mine has played a significant role in how my transition has worked out.  For the most part things have been great and have exceeded my expectations.  There have been two notable exceptions where I let my expectations become overly positive in relation to how things worked out and I'll touch on those later; but all in all I think I've done well managing my expectations in relation to my transition.  

However, as time has went by and I've paid more and more attention to others transitions, I see far too many who have suffered or are suffering from their expectations not being meant.  In many cases that has led to at least some disappointment, and in some cases - far worse.  While I cannot say that had if any of their expectations been different that things would have worked out better; I am fairly certain that in at least some cases, things might have worked out differently and hopefully better.  Now before someone gets upset and thinks I'm heading off on some sort of "victim blaming" diatribe, that's not the case.  All I'm saying is that having reasonable expectations, especially when it comes to transitioning, is something I believe will contribute to the success of a transition and hopefully at least increase the odds of a person being happier than they were pre-transition.

So now that I've made my assertion on managing expectations, I thought it only fair that I give a few examples of what I feel are common areas where expectations could often be better managed.  And as I say all the time, and probably should have said before now in this topic, I'm sure some/many/most may disagree with how I see things and as always that's fine.  I'm by no means a mental health professional, nor for that matter an expert on transitioning.  These are simply my thoughts and observations and should simply be treated as such - nothing more.  So with that out of the way, lets get on to some of those areas.

The first one is one that I've talked about in another part of this series of posts and that is HRT.  All too often I see people who seem to believe that HRT is some magic bullet that will suddenly make them into their vision of the woman they want to be.  First off, appearance doesn't make the person, much less the woman.  That being said, I can understand the desire to be attractive; especially as a Trans-woman since society as a whole tends to place so much weight on that.  But if you expect to become a supermodel simply from HRT, not to mention it happening virtually immediately - well you're likely in for a bad time.  Yes, there are plenty of people who have had great success on HRT, but even for those that do, it's often a lengthy process and there is often far more than HRT at play.  There may be surgeries involved, makeup often plays a huge part, as can hair style and clothing choices.  And even with those things aside, HRT is a roll of the dice.  For example, some develop fairly large breasts, some average, some below average, and some almost none at all.  Some may have more redistribution of body fat than others, and so on.  I'm by no means trying to minimize the effects of HRT, I'm just saying the expectations of what it might do need to be reasonable.  For myself, truthfully considering my age when I started HRT, I didn't expect much and I've been pleasantly surprised to this point.

Another place where I think expectations are often overly optimistic is when it comes to pronoun usage.  I've actually got an entire topic dedicated to pronouns coming up, so I won't delve too far into it here; but to just expect every person you come into contact with to automatically start using your preferred pronouns 100% of the time is just not reality in my experience.  If for example I'm presenting female then yes I have an expectation to hear she/her/ma'am/etc.  This is especially true for anyone who didn't know me pre-transition.  However, even if am presenting female, people who knew me pre-transition, in some cases 40+ years, well no matter how good their intentions are, they may well slip up from time to time - especially early on.  It doesn't mean they don't care, it doesn't mean they were being malicious, it doesn't need to ruin my day.  People make mistakes and for those that I care about, well they get the benefit of the doubt until they prove they deserve otherwise.  And I haven't even touched upon if I were to present androgynously or even male as I did before I went full-time.  In those cases, especially with those that don't know me, how can I expect them to get pronouns right 100% of the time?  But yet I see people who seem to think that this should be the case and then being upset over an incorrect pronoun.  Look, I'm not saying that I should have to be in a dress to hear she/her/ma'am/etc, but if I were to walk up to a complete stranger dressed in a male tuxedo, no makeup, a bald head, and speak in a deep voice - well then how can I be surprised if they drop a he/him/sir/etc on me?  Well for me personally I wouldn't be; but there are those that are and I really think they need to re-evaluate those expectations.

Another expectation that come to mind are employers - this is one of those places where I let my own expectations get too positive, though as I've touched on this before I won't revisit it here.  Yes, in a perfect world, employers would be supportive, or at a minimum accepting of an employee transitioning.  However, there are plenty that aren't and in those cases even if there are legal protections, it is possible for an employer to find their way around them if they really want to.  Yet I still see a great many people that for example feel that as long as they live in a state with legal protections that their employer won't make things an issue.  In many cases that is true, but to have a blind expectation of it, well that's just begging for disappointment in my opinion.

There are plenty of other things I could talk about, and even go the other way where people have an expectation that they can "never pass" when in fact with enough effort they probably could.  Or people that feel their wife/girlfriend/SO/family/etc would never be supportive when in fact they just might surprise them; but I think I've made my point.  As I said above, I'm not advocating having low expectations as I tend to do, but rather simply having realistic expectations.  I really do believe that doing so goes a long way towards being happy and having a successful transition.

- M

My Few Cents On Caitlyn Jenner....

While I should probably be working on J's dinner at the moment, I've got it mostly prepped and she hasn't dinged me that she's leaving work so I thought I'd kill some time here.  I've got a couple of other topics that need to get finished, one a "submissive update" since that is among the most popular topics I write about; and the other being another post in my little "Transitioning 101" series - this one about "bathrooms", but those are probably left for another time when I know I can finish them without interruptions.  I initially had envisioned this topic as more of a "current events" topic covering my thoughts on things such as the Confederate Flag, the recent Supreme Court decision on same sex marriage, and a few other things - including some thoughts on Caitlyn Jenner.  However, the longer I thought about things, the more I felt that my thoughts on Caitlyn Jenner - specifically with regards to the LGBT community towards her - could more than fill out a post on their own, so here I am.

I will say that I almost didn't write on this topic as I'm sure my views may not be popular with many who do read this blog - but after thinking about that, if I can't share my own thoughts here then where can I share them.  As always I'm always open to discuss alternative views, and I know that many have them on this topic, so feel free to comment publicly or privately if you so desire.  I'll also say that I'll probably ramble some (well more than normal) on this subject as I haven't taken the time to gather my thoughts as much as I should.  So that being said, let me start by sharing a couple of personal thoughts regarding Ms. Jenner.  I know how I felt over the probably 30 years that I envisioned transitioning to a woman before I actually was able to, so I'm incredibly happy for her that she's now able to transition and live as herself.  For that matter, I'd even go as far as saying I'm perhaps a touch jealous.  I feel that she looks great and appears to be very happy.  Not that I'm not happy, I am - at least for the most part; but she definitely looks far better than I ever will.

And that actually leads me into the point I most wanted to talk about and that is some of the vitriol I've seen directed her way.  And I'm not talking about the (unfortunate) typical stuff from the world in general; but rather what I've seen from some in the Transgender community itself.  Look, I get it.  She's wealthy and famous enough to be able to do things that some/many/most of us who are transitioning may never be able to.  Obviously she dropped a lot of money on FFS - I've seen estimates in the $70,000 price range; and for the vast majority of us transitioning that's simply not feasible.  But it frustrates me to no end to see her getting ripped on by some in the Transgender community because she has the means to be able to afford to spend that kind of money towards her transition.  I know if I had that kind of financial wherewithal, I'd probably not only have already had GRS; but I'd like have had FFS, BA, and maybe even voice surgery.  And truthfully how many Trans-women wouldn't do the same if they were in Ms. Jenner's position?  I'm sure there is at least someone out there who would choose to be completely altruistic and do little or even nothing for themselves and dedicate all of their resources to others, but truthfully how many really would?  Maybe before condemning her for choosing to have had the FFS, or anything else she chooses to do, the people doing so should give that some thought before saying anything else derogatory towards her regarding this.

Another sore point with me are people condemning Ms. Jenner for "not being a part of the community".  I do try and avoid putting words in others mouths, but it appears that a lot of the criticism on this point comes from some of the things Ms. Jenner says and/or how she says them.  Look, I cannot speak for her, maybe she doesn't consider herself part of the "community"; and if so I suppose a case could be made that she truly isn't due to her financial and social standing.  But personally, I don't believe that and I think those that are using things she's said to come to that conclusion should perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt at this point.  Could some of the things she's said been said better and/or more eloquently?  Probably.  But can any of us say we've never said things that we couldn't have said better?  And I'm talking about the population in general.  For those of us who have, are, or are considering transitioning, I think saying things that could be said better is a reasonably common occurrence.  I know for myself that once J and I decided that transition was right for me/us, that I went through a time where I was guilty of this.  I was excited, I was anxious, I was a lot of things; and as such I didn't always take enough time to think about some of the things I said and did.  Did that make me a bad person?  I don't think so.  My intentions weren't bad, nor do I believe Ms. Jenner's to be bad.  Can I say that with 100% certainty?  Of course not, but until she out and out proves me to be incorrect on this I for one am going to err on her side.

But regardless of if she is or isn't a part of the "community", and regardless of my feelings towards the entire Kardashian clan, I do think Ms. Jenner has been an overall plus for the "community" to this point.  Yes, in many ways she's an exception due to her financial and social status and as such she doesn't have the struggles that some/many/most of us in the community do.  However, if nothing else, she's increased the visibility of the community and I believe that to be a good thing.  Not everybody can be a Janet Mock for example.

I guess I should cut this off, I didn't get it finished before I had to work on J's dinner and it's not 5am and I've been up for a couple of hours prepping her breakfast and lunch for work and I need to get back to that.  I know I rambled here (more than usual), but I really do think that by and large that at least to this point that Caitlyn Jenner deserves better than she's gotten from many in the LGBT community and that's disappointing to me.

- M

St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 11

Well it's only been a few weeks since I've written a post on this subject, so that's a bit of an improvement. :)  

Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts:  My Transgender Experiences.  

Restaurants:

• Village Cafe (Lake Saint Louis, Missouri) - The Village Cafe is located in the "Shoppes At Hawk Ridge" in the location that used to be the Dragon Buffet.  M, M2, and P have been there a few times, and a couple of weeks ago they brought me breakfast home.  That breakfast happened to be a buffalo chicken sandwich and hash browns.  The chicken sandwich was huge and had a generous amount of blue cheese crumbles on it, and was excellent.  The hash browns were plentiful and M had ordered them with cheese.  They were not as well done as I would normally like, I suspect that M simply didn't ask for them well done.  Despite that they were very good as well.  This past Saturday, M/M2/P invited J and I to meet them there for breakfast and the food was even better there and the service was excellent.  I was treated wonderfully which was nice since it was a last minute thing so I was NOT "done up" like I would normally be.  I wish nothing but the best for the Village Cafe and we WILL be back.
• Texas Roadhouse (O'Fallon, Missouri) - The last time I had been here was before my transition, so it had been a while.  No particular reason as the food/service had always been good, it just hadn't happened.  J and I hit there for an early dinner recently and the food/service was just how I remembered it and as with Longhorn, I could not have been treated better.  
• Denny's (Lake Saint Louis, Missouri) - This location re-opened a few months ago after being closed for approximately 2 years for a "remodel".  Actually, we were a bit surprised as we had long since assumed it was simply closed for good.  J and I were actually heading elsewhere to get a late dinner, but at the last minute when we realized that they had reopened we elected to stop here.  Let me say that prior to the location closing, our last two visits there had been very poor.  In fact poor enough that the last time we actually complained to their corporate office.  However, after two years we had high hopes.  Suffice it to say, they may have given the location a nice new look and feel; but the experience hasn't seem to have changed; and based upon our visit seems to have gotten worse.  Let me preface this by saying it was later in the evening, about 10:30pm when we arrived as it was a late work night for J.  Since we had not planned on going out, I wasn't "fully done up"; so no wig and only some light makeup - basically how I'd look if I were running a quick errand or something.  I mention this because I believe our experience was affected by my appearance; though at the time I didn't give that much thought since I'd never had an issue being dressed as I was.  Now the visit wasn't a complete disaster as the food was decent for Denny's, but the service was literally the worst I/we have ever had anywhere.  I won't take the time to go into all of the details; but it was bad enough that I finally felt compelled to bring the issue up to the manager who in my mind handled it poorly - mainly because she neglected to remove the server from our table and when he did finally come back after I had said something he was brazen enough to make not one, but two snide comments.  I probably should have made an issue with their corporate office, but frankly I've given up with the location and simply will NEVER return.  It was a bit of a culture shock to have such poor service, but even more so for it to apparently be because of how I was presenting.
• McDonald's (Kingdom City, Missouri) - I've stopped at this location many times over the last 25+ years when I've been going to/from Columbia.  Now over the years more restaurants have opened up here, but the food and service at this McDonald's is usually top notch and I try and support places like that.  I've been through the drive thru as Madison, but coming back from the Doctor's visit I mention below was the first time I had been inside as Madison.  It wasn't my intention to do so, but Green Meadows Clinic (where Dr. Swenson was located) is no more - they've moved into a new building down the street and frankly I wasn't quite sure where the restrooms where there so rather than search I figured I'd stop here and get a late lunch and use their restroom.  The restroom was reasonably clean for a McDonald's, the food was pretty good, and the store personnel were incredibly polite despite the fact that I know my voice wasn't up to par.  I know McDonald's can be hit or miss, but this location is almost always a "hit" and this visit was no exception.
• O'Charley's (O'Fallon, Missouri) - I was sure I had mentioned this location before; but apparently only in reference to the St. Peters location.  We've been here a few times now with me as Madison and the food and service has been great; though I'm not a huge fan of their clam chowder.

• Cracker Barrel (O'Fallon, Missouri) - I've been here with both J and M several times and the service is always exceptional, and while I'm personally not a huge fan of this type of food, M and J love it and despite my feelings it's always been fresh and good.  As with some other places I've been here both in full Madison regalia as well as "as-is" and they've never batted an eyelash or been anything other than super polite and courteous.  Strongly recommend this location.

Retailers:

• Dollar Tree (Grindstone Parkway, Columbia, Missouri) - It seems like when I choose to leave the house that I invariably forget something.  Sometimes it's something small - such as I like to wear an anklet when I wear a skirt, yet I often forget that.  Sometimes even when I'm running out "as-is" I forget things such as earrings (even when I'm not "done up", I still like to wear at least a pair of studs in my ears).  But it's usually more of a "trauma" for me when I am done up and this particular day I was heading to Columbia for a visit with Dr. Swenson.  About 15 minutes after I left the house I realized I had forgotten to put on any perfume and it bothered me the entire rest of the drive.  Normally when I'm going out looking nice I'll wear a nicer perfume, but I do keep some cheaper stuff around the house for when I simply want to smell nice or when I'm running out "as-is".  Well, I was tight on time and I've picked up some decent knock off perfumes there before, so I stopped here and grabbed one that was a knock off of Chanel No. 5 that I actually liked.  While I was in and out pretty quick, the store personnel were all nice and polite and one even held the door for me on my way out.  All in all a very nice experience.  I've never had a poor experience at any Dollar Tree, but I felt this one was especially good.  Speaking of this "trip", here's the outfit for that day so I have a thumbnail.  I love the top, the skirt - not as much.  I feel I've looked "better", though part of that is probably due to this being a cell phone photo since I managed to misplace my digital camera somehow.

• Dierberg's (Des Peres, Missouri) - This is another location that I thought I'd mentioned before, but apparently haven't.  Dierberg's in general has been great for me to shop at, both when fully done up as Madison and when just running out more or less "as-is".  However, this location has really been the "best of the best".  I only wish it were closer as I'd love to shop there more often.

I realize this entry is heavy on restaurants, but for various reasons I haven't been out doing much other than the last couple of months.  I hope to rectify that sooner rather than later, but for now this will have to do.  :)

- M

The Truth....

Even though I don't really take part in the various Reddit Transgender subreddits these days I do still browse them on occasion and a thread did stand out this weekend because it hits fairly close to home for me.  The gist of the thread was about someone being honest when their Trans-woman friend asked about if she "passed" or not.  Apparently she doesn't pass, or at least doesn't as well as she thinks, yet this friend (and apparently others) tell her she does when she asks.  I've written on this particular subject before - it was a little over a year ago and was titled:  "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Both of those questions - "Do I pass/blend in?" and "Does this dress make me look fat?" are in a lot of ways unfair questions to ask friends and family as they often put those friends/family in an awkward position of deciding if they should be brutally honest, totally concerned about feelings, or somewhere in the middle.  Now, I'm not saying that the two questions are completely equal - personally I think the passing question carries far more ramifications for some/many/most people asking it, as while a dress not looking well may upset somebody at the moment, the passing question can be absolutely devastating for someone who is transitioning.  But that aside, I don't believe it changes the underlying quandary that it puts the person being asked in.

I discussed my personal feelings on this back in that aforementioned post, but to reiterate them here, I personally want to hear the truth and I'd rather hear it from a friend or family member than a stranger.  I'm sure there are some that would disagree and would rather simply have their confidence boosted; and that's fine, I'm just not one of those people.  Perhaps a honest critique can be helpful to me, but even if I can't change the thing(s) in that critique, at least I've been made aware of them by someone who's opinion I respect and who hopefully cares about my well being; rather than being embarrassed (or worse) in public.

But the impetus for this post isn't about whether or not the person from Reddit did or didn't pass, or for that matter if I do on any particular day or not.  It's about the truth in general.  I don't care what I'm asking about, I'd rather hear the truth - brutal or not - when I ask a question, than have a friend or even worse a family member, try and gloss over something or even worse out and out lie to try and spare my feelings.  I understand why they would think they were doing what is right, but I simply don't agree with it.  I believe that one of the key building blocks of a relationship, be it friend or family, is trust and doing something like this violates my trust in that person and in my mind damages the relationship.  I find it especially frustrating when I believe I've made it clear that I believe they aren't being completely honest about something and they continue to stand their ground.  At some point whatever they've been glossing over is eventually going to come out and the fact that they weren't totally honest about is going to come up and in my mind at least make things all that much worse.

The way I see it, whatever they were trying to "save my feelings from" - well it's highly likely that it's not something that is within either of our control.  Perhaps I/we/them can do something about it, perhaps not.  Perhaps it will upset me, perhaps not.  But what I can absolutely guarantee is that the fact that they weren't honest with me is that my feelings will be far more hurt by that than whatever it was they were trying to "spare me from".  I'm sure others may not feel that way, but is how *I* feel and for those close to me I believe I've made that feeling crystal clear.  So when a friend or family member makes the decision to spare my feelings at the expense of being truly honest it not only hurts; but it makes me question what other things this has occurred with and that's not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

Maybe I've let this topic get a little too personal and hit a nerve that it shouldn't have, but regardless of what I should or shouldn't have done, it has gotten a touch personal and has hit a bit of a nerve and that's upsetting.  Not for the particular subject in question, as I had long since suspected that things were how they are and while that does hurt a bit - "it is what it is".  Rather it hit a nerve because the person in question didn't have enough faith in me to handle the truth such as it is.  Frankly for me that has been hurtful and while I'll get over it because I care about the person, it's something that's going to bother me for a long time.

Sorry for the the vague passive agressive venting here, but sometimes a little venting here goes a long way towards me getting over something and hopefully this is one of those times.

- M