Goodbye 2015....

I've really been slack about writing here lately, mainly because I've been avoiding any online Transgender discussions - especially Reddit.  Frankly at this point I'm really starting to considering more or less altering the focus of this blog to be more personal.  By that I mean rather than the original intent of focusing on things related to my own transition and that of others; I'd shift the focus to things that are more personal and/or important to me.  Things I enjoy such as cooking for example.  That doesn't mean I wouldn't still write about the occasional Transgender related topic - especially any experiences I have in and around St. Louis, but I think I'd be more likely to write here if I were discussing recipes and current events in both my life as well as the area and world in general.

That all being said I did want to get a topic up for December and with it being the last day of the year I'm out of time to do so.  I had several other topics in various states of completion, but considering it is the last day of the year I thought I'd say goodbye to what has been a year of (mostly) ups and (some) downs.  Since I like to end on a high note lets start with some downs.

The Downs

• My health...  My weight has been pretty much stable all year, which if it were what it was about 18 months ago would be good; but it's not.  It's about where it was a couple of years ago when I set out to lose weight.  There are lots of reasons, the easy excuse is that I'm still not really close to SRS.  We've elected to prioritize J's MBA as for the long term it's the right thing to do.  I had held out hope that 2016 would be the year that her insurance would cover my surgery, but in late October we found out that it would not.  Perhaps 2017 will be the year.  If not, then I suspect we'll be in the position late in that year or early 2018 for us to simply pay for it ourselves.  We could probably do it sooner, but the reality is that we do have other priorities now (such as her MBA) that are simply more important than this.  Unfortunately with the weight being what it is my blood work has suffered.  Things have been better the last few weeks as I've been making more of an effort to exercise and work on my diet, but it's going to be a long hard journey.

• My transition...  As I've said for a long time now (over a year), I consider my transition complete.  Yes I'm still working on hair removal on my face and pelvic area - the former having moved to electrolysis to get the last few dark hairs and the myriad of white hairs on my face; the latter being in preparation for eventual SRS.  In regards to that I'm hopeful to eventually visit a surgeon who won't require hair removal down there, but in the event that this is not the case I wanted a head start on the area so I've had multiple laser sessions on the area.  It's not going as well as I'd like, but there is definite progress down there.  Unfortunately with me currently having electrolysis weekly it's hard to get out fully done up.  I need at least a couple of days of facial hair for the process and with the hairs being mostly white and hard to see I tend to give her 3 or 4 days of growth.  That coupled with the usual day or two recovery from the process puts me on a constant cycle of not being able to really do my makeup the way I'd like.  I still go out plenty, but it's usually sans makeup (at least no foundation or CC cream) and as such usually no wig.  I'll probably start wearing the hair out even without the makeup as considering the rest of my appearance I usually get correctly gendered even without the hair and makeup - and yes I realize that in at least *some* of those occurrences it's simply out of politeness, but it's not always simply that as there have been times when I've let me voice slip after getting a "ladies" or a "ma'am" and you can see their look visibly change if my voice slips so it wasn't simply them being polite.

• The weather...  This past week has been really bad.  The flooding has been horrible in our area and it's made things hard for J to get to work and caused some issues in the house due to a failed sump pump.  Not to mention all of the displaced people and the nearly two dozen deaths in our area.  The frustrating thing about those deaths is that nearly all of them were from people driving through water on roads - and most/all were likely preventable.  That's sad.

• My job...  Nothing much has changed.  I'm no more happy with it that I have been since I broached my transition with them.  It's a shame as there was a point where I really loved the job and now it's simply something to pay the bills.  I miss the days when I had a job that I was proud of and that I loved.

I'm sure I could come up with other things, but the truth is that for the most part the year was at least average and mostly good so I don't want to dwell on little things.  So without further ado let me move onto "The Ups".

The Ups

• My health...  While my health isn't what it should be or needs to be, overall it was better than it was in 2014 as I didn't end up in the hospital and I am lucky enough to have a wonderful Doctor to help me monitor things.

• My transition...  While this was my longest entry above, it was mostly me talking about my hair removal and venting some frustration to not being able to get out as "done up" as I'd like.  However, all in all things are great.  I've had virtually nothing but great experiences when out and about and they've consistently gotten better especially the last few months.  I've gotten better with my makeup application, my tastes in clothing have improved to the point where I'm 100% comfortable shopping for my clothes alone without feeling like I need "approval" from J or M, and for that matter I've gotten far more confident about being out and about alone.

• J...  We have our less than stellar moments - in fact more that I would have liked.  However, even with those moments factored in it's been the best year of our marriage and that's saying a lot.  Sometimes it's a challenge between her job, my job, her family, and her working on her MBA, but we've made it work and are happier than we've ever been.

• J's job...  She's been in her current position a touch over two years and been far more successful than I ever could have expected.  I'd say I'm proud of her, but that would not do it justice.  I'm in awe of the job she's done.  She's now in a position to be promoted.  It could be in the next few weeks or the next few months, but it appears that it's going to happen and I'm incredibly happy for her.  Yeah it'll be good for us for obvious reasons, but that's secondary.  She's the kind of person that makes a great manager/leader and there aren't nearly enough of those people in the world.

• Our cats...  I lost my Emily in 2014, but this year all of the cats have done well.  You can tell they are aging but they have all been healthy and happy and that makes me happy.

• My life as a whole...  While I'm sure things could *always* be better - I mean I could win the lottery or something - my life on the whole was good this past year and for that I'm grateful.  Very grateful.

As with the "downs" - I could prattle on for a long time about good things, but this was getting long and I wanted to cut it short as J will be heading home soon and I need to make her dinner.  So goodbye 2015, and hopefully 2016 will be at least as good if not better.

-M

St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 13

I knew it had been a while since I'd written a post on anything (about a month) and a couple of months since I've done one of these so I thought it was about time.  Due to the semi-regular electrolysis appointments and the need to have some facial hair growth for those I haven't been out as much, not to mention the Thanksgiving holiday, but there are a few places I felt deserved a mention.  

Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts:  My Transgender Experiences.  

Restaurants:

• Burger King (Hwy K O'Fallon, Missouri) - J and I have been in here several times and the staff has always been very polite.  We try and avoid fast food these days, but if we are going to have fast food this is one of our go to places these days.
• Denny's (O'Fallon, Missouri) - This is a fairly new location - it replaced a Ruby Tuesday that we used to frequent.  J and I have been in there 3 or 4 times, always later in the evening.  The food has always been reasonably good and the service fair to good.  I've been treated just fine, the service "issues" have tended to be the fact that the staff is new and apparently not as trained as they could/should be.  But all in all, if we are going out late enough it's an option.
• Qdoba (O'Fallon, Missouri) - We made our first visit here last week.  It was pouring out that day and the place (as was everywhere else we went) was basically dead.  That being said it was the dirtiest Qdoba we've ever been in which was disturbing as it's a new location (they moved a mile or two to the north to a nice modern looking location.  The service was just as bad as the store looked.  We were in during the early afternoon and apparently post-lunch they had cut the staff due to lack of business, but really it didn't excuse what we saw.  The woman making our food said she was the only one there, but in the 20 minutes or so we were there we saw 3 other employees and none of them made any effort to clean up the dining room.  We were treated nicely enough, but we likely won't be back as the Qdoba closer to our house is always clean.

Retailers:

• Fresh Thyme Farmer's Market (O'Fallon, Missouri) - I won't waste time explaining what Fresh Thyme is, their website can do that far better than I.  I will say that in the few weeks it's been open near us that we've shopped there far more than I would have expected.  I've been in there both completely "done up" as well as without makeup and hair - as I said above those outings have been fairly common these days because of the electrolysis.  I've been treated wonderfully regardless of my appearance by all of the staff there.  As of this point they are a strong alternative to Trader Joe's or Whole Foods since those two are each at least a 20-30 minute drive from us and Fresh Thyme is less than half of that.
• Whole Foods (Town & Country, Missouri & Brentwood, Missouri) - We've visited both of these stores, the Town & Country one several times and the Brentwood one once.  Due to the distance they are from us they aren't really conducive for regular grocery shopping, but there are some neat things there we've picked up.  The people at both stores have always been incredibly nice and helpful every time we've been there.  That being said we won't be back to the Brentwood location due to the parking being a nightmare, but when we are in the area we do tend to swing by the Town & Country location, especially now that I-364 makes it so easy to get there.
• Michael's (O'Fallon, Missouri) - J and I ran in here a few weeks ago to get me a couple of things for my crochet work.  I was basically treated with indifference, which I suppose is a good thing; but I didn't get a vibe like I was "welcome" there either.

Services:

• Electrolysis Etc. (Clayton, Missouri) - I was referred here by our laser technician (they are in the same building, albeit on different floors) and I've been very happy so far.  My technician here has been Sunyatta and she has been incredibly patient and efficient.  She is *always* on time which is greatly appreciated since I tend to visit every week or every other week and she's been very flexible with my schedule so that I've been able to come in late enough in the day that I don't have to take time off work (I can simply take my lunch at the end of the day and leave a hour early).  I don't have anyone to compare her to, but she seems to move at a good pace and I'm incredibly happy with the work she's done so far.  I would strongly recommend her to anyone needing electrolysis.

So there's a thumbnail with this post, here's a picture of myself from my most recent visit to Columbia for my checkup and visit with a dietitian.  It's also my first picture with my newest wig, it's similar in style to the short one that was my favorite and it's the same color as that one.  The difference being that it's a monofilament model like my most recent one and not a lace front one.  I've only had it on a few times, but so far I'm very happy with it.  I was happy with the prior monofilament one as well, but the color was just darker than I wanted, this is a color that I really like (RH268 in Estetica if anyone cares).

As always have a great day.

- M

Electrolysis - Session 2...

Two weeks ago I had my first electrolysis appointment as I talked about HERE.  Looking back at what I wrote about that session, well I probably didn't do that session justice.  It was among the worst pain I've ever felt.  I cried during the session and pretty much the whole drive home.  It was physically painful and mentally stressful.  Part of that I brought on myself.  I chose to go in for that session without any Lidocaine - my Doctor had prescribed some for the laser on my pelvic region, but I hadn't used it for that since that really doesn't hurt much so I have two tubes sitting here.  I felt beforehand that I wanted to have a frame of reference as to what it felt like without taking anything - I had done the same with my first facial (and pelvic) laser sessions and survived those.  I also believe my face wasn't in great shape.  I had switched to a different CC cream a week prior to my session and in hindsight I think my face had a reaction to it.  I didn't think about that at the time, I just thought it was irritated from shaving a few days prior but when it happened again last week I came to the conclusion that perhaps I needed to find a different CC cream.

As I said in that first post, my second session was to be two weeks later (yesterday) as I had a facial laser scheduled last week and since that needs a clean face and the electrolysis needs some growth the only way I could have pulled that off was to either drive in there twice a few days apart which I didn't want to do as it's 40 minutes each way so with that and the session time it would necessitate a half day off of work twice in the same week.  *OR* I could have done both the same day (the electrolysis first) and I didn't think that was really feasible from a logistical or pain standpoint.  So I scheduled the second appointment for yesterday, late morning.  I had a previously scheduled therapist appointment for that morning.  I visit with my therapist every 3-4 months to keep in touch for the day when/if I pursue surgery and need a letter - plus I find the occasional visit to be good for me.

I had the therapist appointment set for 9am as I can normally get in there for that and be home by 10:30am or so and not have to take time off work (I skip lunch and work a touch late to offset the missed time).  Well in this case I simply decided to take the day off of work and set the Electrolysis appointment for later in the morning which happened to be 11:30am.  So I went to my therapist which did stress me out a bit as I had to go with a couple of days of facial hair so I wasn't dressed as I'd normally be.  That's one of the places I tend to "dress up" as I won't be "out of place" in heels and a dress for example, and considering I had the facial hair and didn't want to wear a wig because of that and the fact that the hair simply gets in way for these kinds of things I was in that awkward look of dressed like a girl, with more or less a man's face.  Not that I don't go out like that on occasion, but those times are fewer and fewer and to lose an outing where I'd be able to doll up a bit frustrated me, but the end justified the means to me so I sucked it up and went.

The therapist session was fine as always.  Really it's not so much of a session anymore, it's more of a chit-chat but I still find it helpful.  When I left there I realized that in my rush to leave the house I had forgotten to bring some plastic wrap to put over the cream so I had to run and get some of that.  By the time I had done that (and grabbed a late breakfast) and headed over to where the electrolysis was it was nearly 11am.  I quickly applied the cream and the plastic wrap and then spent 10 minutes handling a work issue despite being "on vacation".  I went ahead and sat in the car until about 20 after 11 and then took off the plastic wrap and headed in.  I stopped at a restroom and clean up my face and headed down to get started..

Once I arrived, my tech took me back almost immediately, I really do appreciate the fact that both times I've been there that she's been ready for me right on time.  We got started immediately and she noted that the laser had done a good job the prior week.  I then mentioned that she must have done a good job too as the laser on my upper lip last week was far more pleasant than normal so she had obviously wiped out a good chunk of what was previously there.  She spent a few minutes on my upper lip cleaning things up and then the balance of the session on my chin.  The only real issue I ran into was that a good portion of the dark hairs there had apparently been taken care of by the laser the prior week but hadn't come out yet.  So rather than potentially waste time on those she focused on the white hairs and we'd come back to the darker ones at my next appointment.

The pain this time was far more bearable.  I still had a few tears but it was more like eyes watering than crying this time and for good stretches I was able to be completely still as she worked rather than fidgeting so much.  I can't say it didn't hurt as it did at times, but it wasn't anything like the first session was.  Obviously 10 minutes on the upper lip versus 40+ made a difference, I'm sure the cream did too, and I'd guess my face not being irritated helped as well; but it was definitely something I could easily handle.  And just as with the first visit, she was incredibly nice and compassionate and again she seemed very efficient.  I easily made the whole hour and probably could have handled a second hour, perhaps in the future I might see about scheduling two hours, even if it's not consecutive; but that's a concern for another day.  I did elect to schedule my next session for next week, though later in the day so I can avoid taking time off work for it.  Hopefully it'll go as well as this one did.

-M

A Submissive Update - Part 1

The posts I've made about being submissive always seem to draw the most attention here (at least short of the orchiectomy ones) and I'm painfully overdue for an update.  I have been making a conscious effort to keep my posts to a single entry for a given subject; but this one will probably take three posts to cover.  I do apologize for that, but I really think it's better presented that way.  So this post will touch on the background to our current situation, the second one will touch on the logistics of how things have been the last couple of months, and the last one will touch on my thoughts on how things have been during this time.  Now if my occasional prattling on about the "D/s" portion of J and I's relationship isn't your cup of tea - well you'll probably want to skip this post along with the likely follow up posts I just mentioned.

The "submissive thing" has been very hit or miss - in reality more miss than anything - since my last post on the subject (was it really over a year ago?).  Much of it can be attributed to the same struggles that J and I have had in the past - she has a hard time being truly dominant, and I have a hard time being truly submissive.  As I've touched on in other posts, the reality is that we are both naturally submissive, though I believe she more than I.  I suppose that in a perfect world the two of us would be submissive to ideally the same dominant woman.  However, as well all know almost none of us reside in a perfect world so where does that leave us?

We, well more J than I, do still believe that what is best for us is for things to be as they are with her being dominant and me being submissive.  The reason I say that J buys into that more than I has nothing to do with me not agreeing with the concept, but rather it is simply because I know it's a challenge for her to be in the dominant role.  I will say that in theory should help contain my sometimes less than desirable personality traits.  I won't delve too far into those "personality traits", but I think the two that are the biggest issues are the fact that "I'm always right" and my "temper".

The "temper" thing - well I always describe it as a "shooting star".  By that I mean it burns hot and bright for a brief period and then just as quickly as it appeared it's gone.  The "always right" thing - well, for the most part it is actually true.  I honestly almost never argue unless I'm 100% certain that I am right.  However, one thing that I've learned during my transition - and yes I should have learned it long before that - is that sometimes even when you are right, you're actually wrong.  For someone who sees things in black and white versus shades of grey, that has been a hard thing to wrap my head around and while I've been trying it still rears it's ugly head every so often.

So where does that leave everything now?  Well, a few weeks ago a friend of ours (J2) - well she's actually a touch more than that when it comes to me, but that's a story for another time - made what seemed like a radical suggestion to me.  And that was to include M in the D/s dynamic.  My initial reaction to that wasn't overly positive as during our marriage and even post-marriage for a while, M and I tried the D/s thing and it never worked out well for various reasons.  Now let me first say that I take my share of responsibility for that; but a large portion fell onto M.  Some of that was her proclivity to focus solely on corporal punishment which is something that I personally don't care for all that much.  Don't get me wrong, when it serves a point I can understand and accept it - in fact sometimes I'm grateful for it.  But it was far too much of a focal point for her.  On top of that M quite possibly has the shortest attention span of anyone who has ever lived and as such she would focus on the D/s stuff here and there, but never consistently and that just has never worked for me.  Lastly, and perhaps most concerning was how this would work with J as over the years J has often seen M as "competition" in some ways.  I'm not saying I blame her, I would imagine sharing a home with your spouse's ex is probably more difficult than I can imagine; but from my perspective, M truly is a "sister" at this point and I never truly understood why J saw her as more than that.  Now over the years this has more or less become a non-issue and in many ways J and M have become pretty good friends; but I was still concerned that this could upset that dynamic.

Well the more the idea was kicked around, the more the idea appealed to me.  Mainly for two reasons.  The first being logistical.  J and M work more or less opposite hours and as such it had the potential to provide far more "supervision".  The second and larger reason is that I felt that involving M would motivate J to stay with this a bit better since she'd have some "support" so to speak and I felt she'd be more likely to be successful with that support.

That being said, I did still have some concerns.  Mainly how the dynamic of both J and M "being in charge" would work.  After all, in a lot of ways it would be like reporting to two supervisors directly and in those cases if there isn't plenty of communication between the supervisors things can go south quickly, and truthfully M and J aren't always the best at communicating with each other.  I also worried a bit about resentment on J's part as she is possessive.  Well that's probably not the best word for it, she's more "protective" of me than anything and this would require her to relinquish some of that in order for this to work.

So the first step was to take the idea to each of them, J of course being first.  She had a few of the same concerns as I had, but the longer she and I talked; as well as she and J2 talking, those were worked through and she concurred with me that the potential benefits would outweigh the potential issues.  So J and I decided to push forward with talking to M.  M had less concerns than either of us had, and different ones at that, but again after all of us talking we worked through them.  Now it was simply a matter of moving forward.

This is going to end up being lengthy so I've elected to chop it up into at least two, more likely three parts.  I've tried to avoid doing that lately, but I really think with this topic that it's the thing to do.

-M

A "Bathroom" Follow Up...

I recently did a Transitioning 101 piece on "bathrooms".  As I said in that piece, I originally had some personal experiences that I felt were relevant, but they quickly took over that topic and as I edited it for publication I decided that it would be best to remove those experiences and place them in their own piece - so here we go.

Early in my transition, when I was presenting as Madison (which wasn't all that often), I went out of my way to avoid using any bathroom other than a family restroom.  I simply wasn't very comfortable with my appearance when I was presenting as Madison.  It wasn't a cause of dysphoria for me as it may be for many; it was simply "the way it was" for me and I lived with it.  It did cause us to alter our outings a bit though as one of my blood pressure medicines at the time was a diuretic and I had to pee quite often.  So we either planned shorter outings, or we tried to ensure we would be by somewhere that had a family restroom (thankfully, the Wal-Marts around here all do, as do a few other places), or I simply presented male if necessary.

However, about three months in things became more of an issue for me as I purged all of my male clothes and went full-time as Madison.  Things became even worse that December (about 5-6 months in) when I started my HRT as that added Spironolactone to things which is also a diuretic.  At this point I still had not used a ladies room anywhere other than a few places where it was a single person restroom, and I still wasn't even really comfortable doing that.  Looking back I was probably being overly paranoid about things.  I did have a "carry letter" from my therapist (for what that might or might not have been worth), and I *was* presenting as Madison, but I just had this nagging worry that someone would make an issue of things and that all sorts of bad things might happen.

The turning point for me was when I was able to go to court and get my gender marker changed.  While I didn't immediately update my license for a couple of reasons, I did start carrying a copy of my court order with me and decided that I no longer had any real excuse to not use the ladies room when I needed to - at least when I was "done up" (more on that phrase later).  I can still remember the first time I actually used the ladies room anywhere.  It was a few weeks after I had gotten my court order (late 2013) and J, M, and myself went to get our eyebrows threaded and went to brunch at one of the local casinos.  I was nervous, but J was gracious enough to go with me.  In hindsight, while it was a "baby book" event for me, it was really uneventful.  Despite the "success" of this first visit, I still wasn't really comfortable using the women's room, so while over the next year or so I would do so, generally it was only if I was going with J or M (or both), or if I was fairly certain nobody else was in there.

This drug on for me for a great many months until mid to late 2014 (so about a year ago).  Things changed for me again around that point, and not just in regards to the bathroom.  I may or may not leave the house all "done up" (ie full makeup, wig, etc), but even for those times that I do go out without being "done up", in my mind I'm presenting "female" - no longer just "androgynous".  I no longer make any effort to minimize my feminine appearance, I wear whatever jewelry I see fit, I wear visible lipstick/gloss all the time (it's my guilty pleasure), and so on.  If it's hot or I'm in a real hurry I may opt to leave without a wig on, or really any makeup other than some lipstick.  But I no longer hesitate to use the ladies room regardless of how dressed up I might or might not be.  Yes, having my license have a "F" on it helped early on, but I no longer even really think about that.  I'm simply using the bathroom that I feel is appropriate and when/if someone makes an issue about it, well then I'll deal with it.  But as of yet nobody has and I really don't expect anyone to.

Now, due to my voice not being what it needs to be, I don't tend to hang around in there - I do my thing, wash my hands, check my hair/makeup, and move on - I don't turn it into social hour.  But even on those occurrences when I do have to speak, I simply do my best and move on.  I won't say that I don't still use the family restroom on occasion - such as at a movie theater when a movie has let out and a horde of young girls descends upon the ladies room - it's a rare occurrence for me to do so.

I'm not advocating how I did things as the best way or the right way, it's simply how it worked out for me.  I will say that I'm much more happy using the ladies room and I do wish I had been at least a touch bolder early on.

- M

Electrolysis Fun...

At my last laser appointment, I only had my lower area worked on and not my face.  We had agreed that I'd go in with a few days of facial hair growth to make a determination as to whether or not it was worth it to continue on my face.  Frankly I hadn't really had a good look at my face in a while as I hadn't went without shaving in a while and having several days of hair growth I do have some areas in my lip/chin and along the tops of my cheeks that she can probably still work on.  For the latter she's going to use smaller goggles on me so she can get to those areas.  However, she did suggest that I might want to go with some Electrolysis as well.

I had previously made that decision and thought I had a place lined up, but as things are my schedule became an issue and truthfully the place in question had pi**ed me off so I never made it there.  This time I got a referral from my laser tech to a place in the same building as they are that they speak highly of so last Friday I called for an appointment.  Unfortunately for me I didn't get around to calling until after they had closed for the day, but a very nice woman called me back early Saturday and we setup an appointment for this past Wednesday.

I arrived a bit early and got my paperwork filled out and was taken back a few minutes early.  It seems that anywhere I have an appointment these days is running late so being able to go back early was a nice change.  We had a brief consultation since I had done my research on the process and knew what I wanted.  The laser tech had suggested focusing on my lip/chin since those were the areas that would be the biggest impact at this point and I concurred.  Now I did make the decision to NOT have her only focus on dark hairs, but rather on all the hairs.  I have a fair amount of white hairs these days, I'm sure some of them were always there, but I do suspect that some of them are from where the laser didn't completely zap things, but either way they are there.  Now they aren't nearly as big a deal as the dark hairs, but I figured I'd be happier if everything was gone, so that's what I settled on.

She started on the right side of my lip area and the first few minutes was a piece of cake.  However, as she got closer to the center of my lip area, well my lack of pain tolerance kicked in.  I know a lot of people say it doesn't or they say it's like a rubber band snapping, well for them I'm happy.  For me the center area of my lip hurt - a lot.  I suspect it probably hurts less than the laser does; but the laser is only a few zaps across the whole lip and this was hair by hair and I had plenty and the cumulative affect of the zaps started to get to me.  She switched to the other side and started working in from there and while it wasn't as painful as the center that hurt somewhat.  I assume because I had been worn down by then.  As she got closer to the center from that side, I wasn't sure if I'd make it through the whole lip or not, but I managed to.  We did agree at that point that I had probably had enough for the day and broke off there.

Once we were finished we took care of the fee, which she adjusted down from the hour I was scheduled for.  Many places would not do that and I would not have been upset if she hadn't since they had blocked the time off for me, but I was appreciative that she did so.  We got my next appointment scheduled which is actually in two weeks since I do have a laser appointment next week and considering it takes my face a couple of days to recover from that I didn't think doing both the same week was a good idea.  Once that was done she gave me some ice for my lip and I was on my way.

I can't say enough about how nice and compassionate she was and she seemed very efficient, though I don't really have a frame of reference to compare her too on that. I'll probably have more to say after the second session as I will be using some numbing cream then and probably some OTC pain reliever beforehand.  I elected to not do either of those this time as I felt I needed to know how it felt - I did the same on my first laser session.  Plus as she pointed out the upper lip is generally the most sensitive area on the face and while I'm sure there will be some cleanup there from hairs that weren't active this week, I imagine the focus will be on my chin this time.  I know from the laser that the chin hurts, but not as much as the upper lip, so....

-M

Some Thoughts On Spike TV's Ink Master...

I normally don't take the time to comment or "review" TV shows or movies.  There are a couple of reasons for that, the first being that most of the time anything I could say has already been said (and probably said better) by others.  The second is that often by the time I see something it's been out for a good while.  As an example I recently watched Leverage from beginning to end on Netflix, and it's been off the air for a while.  By the time I got into some other shows such as White Collar or Burn Notice they were at or near the end of their runs as well.

There are a couple of shows that are exceptions to this.  One is Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. which still has a few weeks before season 3 starts; and Ink Master.  I, along with M and J, have watched every episode of every season of Ink Master, up and including the episode this week.  As such I have some observations (which others have probably made) and some suggestions (which nobody in a position to do something with them will ever read) to make.

First off let me start by saying, while I have watched every episode, this season (season 6) is the first season where I didn't do so either live or within a day or two of airing.  In fact, J and I just binge watched the first 9 episodes on her last couple of days off and then caught the 10th (and current) episode a couple of hours after it aired.  Now why do I make this point?  Well, mainly because the show isn't holding the same interest for me (or J, or even M) that it once did - and that's the main reason for this post.

For those that know me, they may well be surprised that I watch this show at all since I'm not a "tattoo person".  M has 4 or 5, P has 2, J and I each have one, and M2 has none.  For me it's not so much about the tattoo's, but rather the amazing art work that these people can come up with and bring to life.  I've never been artistic, but I've always been amazed by those that are and Ink Master did a great job early on illustrating this.  The "early on" part of that last sentence brings me to my main issue with the show as it exists today.

The first season, the show was truly about the tattoo's and that seemed to be the focus.  As the seasons have progressed, the priority seems to have shifted to just how much drama can be shown.  This has manifested itself in many ways;

• The primary one being interactions "in the loft" where the artists stay.  Early on, especially in season one, those were simply to "flesh things out" a bit and were not really the focal point of the show.  You'd see the artists discussing their lives, the challenges, or even the tattoo's they had done.  Now don't get me wrong, there was always "some drama", but it didn't seem to be the focus.  As the seasons have progressed, the video of the loft interactions has become less about the artists and the tattooing, but more about infighting and drama among the artists.  I know this may sound funny since it's always been a "reality show", but early on it didn't feel like the stereotypical reality show, and now it does and that's disappointing.

• The introduction of the "human canvas jury" in season three has been nearly as bad.  Obviously a huge part of the show has always been the judges critiques of the artists work.  But in the first couple of seasons this was almost always done without any of the human canvas's present.  That's still the case for the most part; but starting with season three, all of the human canvas's now meet to discuss the "worst tattoo of the day".  Now, this is heavily edited as is the rest of the show, but the vast majority of the video that they do show focuses on the "group" tearing into each tattoo.  To me, this is nothing more than another way to "increase the drama" as almost without fail when the artists are done with their tattoos, the human canvas is shown as being very happy with the work.  Having this "jury", to me is about on the same level as tossing a single steak to a pack of hyenas.  Having a bunch of people sit there and pick at something that you've just spent 4-6 hours having permanently placed on your body - well at it's core isn't much more than a group bully session.  Now, I realize that these people should know what they signed up for, but do they really need to do this?  From what I can tell, for the most part it doesn't have much (if any) impact on the actual judging anyway.  I think if somebody is really and truly not happy with their artists work, they could simply bring them down and let them say their piece to the judges in lieu of this "jury" idea; for that matter they could let every canvas do that - after all the judges go out of their way to tell the artists how important it is to work with their clients and make them happy, so why not get the actual opinions of the canvas's, without it being clouded by the tear downs that come from the jury session?

• As much as I dislike the whole human canvas jury, what bugs me even more is how the eliminations go.  Early on, it was pretty cut and dried - the judges gave their critiques and the artists responded to those, and then a decision was made.  In fact in season one, part of the reason for Bili being eliminated was not taking responsibility for his shortcomings.  Somewhere along the line, at least for most of the artists, it's turned into "throw everyone else under the bus" when it comes to critiques.  Instead of defending their own work on it's merits, they are more concerned about trying to pick apart the work of the others up for elimination.  I'm sure the "powers that be" find this to be "compelling television", but I don't.  In a lot of ways, I shouldn't be surprised as society as a whole has morphed from an era where personal responsibility was a way of life, to an era where there is little or no personal responsibility.  Maybe I'm just getting old, or maybe I'm just naive, but this has always bothered me and to see a show I like taking this route bugs me.  Perhaps this is simply the personality of the particular artists that have been chosen for later seasons, but I *strongly* suspect that it's more of the "powers that be" encouraging this, or at least editing things so that it comes across this way.

• To further expound on the eliminations, the "woe is me" factor has really gotten out of hand as well.  On the most recent season for example, one of the artists (Duffy) all but had a melt down both in the loft and in the elimination because she was missing her daughters birthday.  To the judges credit - and I believe it was Chris Nunez that said it - they pointed out that she *knew* that her child's birthday would fall during the competition and if she wasn't prepared to deal with that then perhaps she should have rethought coming.  I don't want to pick on Duffy, or even necessarily focus on her when it comes to this, as she's far from the only artist who's played the "woe is me" card.

• One last gripe about the eliminations.  For the first season, the contestants probably had little or no idea of what kinds of tattoos they'd need to do; they were basically going in blind.  But for subsequent seasons, especially these last couple - how on earth do these contestants act surprised that they might need to be able to do (in no order):  black and grey, color, portraits, American traditional, Japanese, pinup girls, and so on?  The judges have made it clear over the years that to be "Ink Master" you have to be able to do everything; but yet constantly I see artists that say "I don't do <insert tattoo style here>".  Shouldn't these artists have made an effort to learned these styles before singing up to compete?  Especially the styles that are near and dear to the judges (American Traditional for Oliver Peck and Japanese for Chris Nunez)?  Season six has been even worse as I've watched multiple artists whine that they are having issues dealing with being told what style to do.  Umm, have they never seen the show before?  What did they think they were signing up for?

I have some other issues with the show that fall outside of the "drama" that I've focused on, so let me touch on a few of those.

• The first season finale has stuck with me throughout the show.  The judges said that Tommy's pinup girl was the "best tattoo of the season", yet they awarded the title of Ink Master to Shane based upon his "body of work".  That bugged me at the time and still does.  But what really bugs me is that in seasons since then it seems like they've awarded overall victory more than once to artists that had the best final tattoo, but a lesser "body of work" over the entire season.  Pick a set of rules and go with it.

• Product placement.  Look, I get it, it helps pay for the show and Ink Master is far from the first show or movie to do it.  But some of it is out of hand - I'm looking at the Taco Bell "Live Mas" stuff from season six as an example.  If they are going to do this placement, at least try and do a better job of integrating it into the show.  Some of the placements have included a special prize for an artist(s) - which at least to me makes it a little better; but others such as this seasons Taco Bell placement added nothing to the show in my opinion and as such turned me off more than a bit.  As an example of what I think was good placement was the Star Wars challenge from season two.

• Lose the "team" challenges - at least for eliminations.  This became a real issue here in season six when two of the best (possibly *the two best*) artists ended up facing off in an elimination in episode seven (less than halfway through the season).  Not only did the season lose a good artists, but it also lost arguably the biggest "sh*t disturber"; so I suspect that the powers that be may rethink some things.  I did admire Katie speaking up when the judges seemed to consider not eliminating either of the two artists in that episode as it wasn't everyone else's fault that the rules of the game came back to bite the show in the backside.

• The judging bugs me as well.  Dave Navarro seems to focus on the specific challenge which I think is the way it should be; but the two tattoo "experts" (Oliver Peck/Chris Nunez) often "go off the reservation" and base their decisions on body of work, etc., which I don't think is right.  Why have specific challenges if the artists aren't actually going to be judged on those challenges?  Its like giving the other artists and the viewers a huge middle finger in my opinion.

• There have been occasional Ink Master specials and while most have been good, I did take exception to the Master versus Master show prior to season six.  Four of the first Five masters came back, the exception being Shane from season one.  Look, I don't have an issue with him not coming back, especially if that was *HIS* decision.  But why not explain why he wasn't there and the other four masters were?  Doesn't the audience deserve that?  And the format agitated me as frankly while I'll admit I don't like Scott very much, to get into the finals he lucked out as I believe he had the 3rd best tattoo of the 4; but because the two best had gone up against each other one of them was eliminated.  Now Scott did a nice job in the final; but in reality he really didn't deserve to get there.  Now I know this is often how it goes in sports, etc. (see the NL Central race in Major League Baseball this year); but it still agitated me.

There are other things, but I think I've rambled on long enough.  Now don't get me wrong, I do still like the show overall and have really enjoyed the early seasons.  I just feel that the things above, if changed, could greatly improve the show; although I'm also realistic enough to understand that many of the things I've railed against are done in the name of ratings, so if my options are to have to deal with these things or lose the show - well I'll deal with them.  But I won't be as hooked on the show as I have been in the past either.

- M

St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 12

Well it's been several weeks since I've written a post on this subject, and for that matter I haven't written much at all the last month or two, in fact it appears that I went the entire month of August without a post.  So I felt I should knock out a few posts, so this makes two in two days (well really about 10 minutes, but....).

Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts:  My Transgender Experiences.  

Restaurants:

• Ethyl's Smokehouse (O'Fallon, Missouri) - I have spend nearly all of my life living in and around the O'Fallon area and am old enough to remember when the building that is Ethyl's Smokehouse was "Bubba and Coy's Catfish" (which I ate at several times as a child), but while we have driven by Ethyl's more times that I can count over the years, I had never been there.  I suppose primarily because it comes across as a "bar" and we're not really drinkers; but M and I were out running around the other day and I really wanted to try something new for lunch and we settled on Ethyl's and I'm glad we did.  Since it's not really the focus of this blog, I won't go into the details of the meal, those can be found in the Yelp review I left HERE, instead I'll focus on how I was treated.  From the moment we walked in, until the moment we left, I was treated as any other woman.  Even though my voice probably slipped here and there, our server never wavered on pronoun usage or politeness.  While I generally have good experiences, this one was exceptionally good and I wish every experience went this well.
• Pi Pizzeria (Kirkwood, Missouri) - Pi isn't some large national chain, they have a few locations in St. Louis, one in Washington D.C., and one in Cincinnati, Ohio.  However, thanks to some love from President Obama, they are a little more well known than most chains their size.  J and I visited here after our most recent laser appointment; and since I was having my face done yet again I wasn't in any makeup or even dressed overly nice.  That being said, I was treated wonderfully.  As far as the food, well it's a touch "fru fru" for me, but it was good and we would go back.  As a side note, we visited around 4:30pm or so on a Monday - before their dinner rush, so they were *very* slow, I'd be curious to see how our experience is when they are in their dinner rush.  As a side note - especially timely considering another recent blog post - their bathrooms are single person uni-sex bathrooms which was nice.
• Fox & Hound (Chesterfield, Missouri) - I always hate to put too much weight on a single experience, be it good or bad, especially at a restaurant - but we were very pleased with our experience here.  We elected to sit in the "dining area" (which is fairly small) versus the bar area, so our experience is based upon that.  Now let me first say that I was not wearing makeup or a wig, we had a laser appointment a few days prior and my face was still in pretty bad shape.  However, despite that fact, I still got ma'am and together we got "ladies" from the hostess, our server, the manager when he "touched our table", and the other server who dropped off some of our food.  That alone, scored them points with me/us as often times when I'm out sans hair/makeup, I either get no pronouns or on occasion male ones.  I don't let that bother me when it happens, but I do prefer to hear feminine pronouns, so as I said I was very happy with that.  The food was great, and our service was also quite good.  All in all, I'm sorry we hadn't eaten there before and I really hope our future visits go as well as this one did.

Retailers:

• Dollar Tree (Bridgeton, Missouri) - Typical Dollar Tree experience, store personnel were all polite and customers tend to be focused on themselves so it was a typical un-eventful experience for me which is always nice.

• Payless Shoe Source (St. Charles, Missouri) - We popped in here (as well as the one in O'Fallon) looking for a replacement pair of flats for me.  The pair I currently wear most of the time actually has a small heel on them.  When M bought those for me, I didn't like them, but after wearing them over time they've become my favorites and I wanted a similar pair.  Unfortunately I guess they aren't in season at the moment so I couldn't find something I liked in my size.  However, the store personnel were very nice and helpful and treated me wonderfully.  
• Ruler Foods (St. Ann, Missouri) - For those not familiar with Ruler Foods, it's an "Aldi's" equivalent owned by Kroger.  The one in St. Ann opened a few months ago and M wanted to check it out.  The store is really similar to Aldi's.  We did find enough things cheaper to justify the trip since we stocked up on some things such as block cheese, but normally unless we were in the area it wouldn't be worth the drive for us.  The store personnel were all nice and polite and treated me as any other woman.
• Trader Joe's (Chesterfield, Missouri) - I had never been to a Trader Joe's, though J had.  Well last weekend we were bored and decided to go running around and somehow we ended up here.  To be honest much of the food is a touch "fru fru" for me; but we did pick up a few things and everyone there was so incredibly nice.  We will definitely go back.

Services:

• South Providence Medical Clinic (Columbia, Missouri) - This "clinic" has replaced the Green Meadows clinic in Columbia.  It's a nice, new, modern building perhaps a mile or two down the road from the aforementioned Green Meadows building.  I believe the majority of the providers (perhaps all?) from the old clinic have moved down here, but regardless of that Dr. Swenson, who has handled my HRT since I started it and has recently became my GP moved down here so I have as well.  There is a lot to like about the new clinic, and a couple of things I don't like as much.  It has a much more open floor plan which is nice in some ways, but annoying in others since it's not as "intimate" as the old clinic since the different teams have a common waiting area now.  Additionally I miss the nice fish tank from the older building as well.  On the plus side, there are multiple reception areas to get checked in which makes the process faster in general; and the rooms are obviously newer and have a nicer setup.  One of the nicest things for me is that they can check you out in the exam room - they don't always do it, but when they do it's nice since I don't have to make an extra stop at the reception desk.  This can include scheduling appointments.  They have a lab onsite as well, which I did make use of at a prior visit, they were very quick and efficient which was appreciated.  My results were up on their MU Healthe site the next morning which is quicker than I was accustomed to when using the lab here at the Tri-County location.  Dr. Swenson and her nurse are still just as wonderful as always and all of the reception personnel have been great - even considering a "check-in snafu" at a prior appointment.  I still strongly recommend Dr. Swenson and South Providence has been just as good, if not better, than Green Meadows so I'd give it a strong recommendation as well.

Since I like to have a thumbnail, here's a picture of J and I the day we went to Columbia for my checkup and shopping with her and M.  I'm not overly happy with the picture - I'm not sure if it's us getting used to the new camera or if I just didn't look as good as I'd have liked, but "it is what it is", so...

There are a few other places I should note, but I'll save those for the next entry.  So with that I'll wrap this post up.  As always have a great day.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Bathrooms

It's been a while since I've written a Transitioning 101 piece.  That coupled with the fact that I recently headed to Columbia for a quarterly checkup on my HRT medicine got me to thinking about "bathrooms".  For those that don't regularly read this blog, the reason the trip to Columbia is relevant is that it's about 90 minutes from home each direction and as such even if I'm just going for the Doctor and coming right home it's at least a 4+ hour trip and on those occasions when either J or M (or both) come with me - as they both did this trip - it often turns into a good 6-8+ hour day out and I simply cannot avoid using a public restroom during an outing of that length.

For me, and frankly from the amount of discussion I've seen on this topic in various places I'm far from the only one who has concerns about using the bathroom during their transition.  This whole series has had a fair amount of personal thoughts and experiences; but as this topic was such a concern of mine the focus will be on my thoughts and experiences even more than normal.  As always, nobody has to agree with my thoughts or how I did things, it's simply what worked *for me*.

Maybe I'm naive, but I really think that something that sounds so natural - being able to use the bathroom that corresponds to your gender identity - shouldn't end up being not that simple and at times far worse than that.  Despite my concerns and worries about bathroom usage during my transition, I've been lucky and had no issues; but I've read far too many accounts from those that have.  That doesn't even touch on the seemingly non-stop legislative attempts to control bathroom usage.  I can't speak for everyone, but I believe the majority of us can sum things up with this - #IJustWantToPee...

When I initially wrote this I got a lot more personal than I've normally gotten in these "Transitioning 101" posts and upon thinking about it for a while I've decided to remove most of that as it's better meant for it's own post.  That being said, I do still have plenty of thoughts about the bathroom and I am going to share those here.

Now with that being said, here are some thoughts on bathroom usage from me.  I know I always say this and I've already said it here; but once again these are simply *MY OPINIONS* and nothing more.  If you agree great, if you disagree that's fine too.  They aren't rules or guidelines, but simply one Trans-woman's thoughts on things based upon HER experience(s).  And again, since I have a MtF perspective on things, these are slanted towards that perspective.  I'm not trying to ignore/minimize FtM or anyone else, but I haven't lived/experienced life from those other perspectives so I'm choosing not to comment on them.

• If you aren't comfortable using the ladies room, it's not a crime to seek out a family restroom to use; or if you are comfortable with doing so - the mens room.  You need to do what's best for you at the time and not feel pressured into doing something you aren't comfortable with or don't feel safe doing.

• Thankfully (in my opinion) the ladies room has stalls and no urinals, so there is a modicum of privacy.  That being said, do yourself a favor and don't "stand up" facing the toilet.  Your feet will be facing "the wrong way" and somebody very well might notice.  If that happens you may well be facing some unwanted attention.  And even if someone doesn't notice your feet, unless you are careful with your "stream", it'll make far more noise coming from a standing position than a seated position and again may well draw unwanted attention.

• This one is more of a personal thing for me, but as I mentioned above I'm not at a point where I'm happy with nor overly confident in my voice.  As such, I don't "linger" in the ladies room.  I get in and I get out.  That doesn't mean I won't stop to check (and fix if need be) my makeup, or wash my hands, but I don't dawdle while doing so as I want to minimize the chance that I'll get dragged into a conversation.

• The above statement being made, don't hesitate to take the time *you need* to use the restroom, to check your makeup, and so on.  That being said, it's impolite to spend 5-10 minutes tying up a sink doing your makeup if people are waiting to wash their hands.

• For me, I no longer hesitate to hit the ladies room by myself when I need to.  That being said, it was very helpful early on to have someone to go with me; and frankly while I suppose it is a stereotype of sorts, women do seem to make a restroom visit a "group outing". :)

• I read something on Reddit a few weeks ago, and questioning a few cis-women, it seems to be more or less true.  It seems that most men tend to drop their clothing around their ankles when in a stall and most women tend to keep theirs up at their knees.  Yes this is a generalization, and yes most people won't notice, but in a crowded restroom it is one more thing that might stand out so take it for what it is worth.

• These go for any restroom in my opinion, but make sure you wipe the seat off if necessary and make sure you flush if it's not an automatic toilet.  Nobody wants to walk into a mess.  And if you like/use those seat covers (and I personally do), don't leave them on the seat for the next person, flush it.

• If you are wearing a skirt/dress, make sure the back of it isn't caught in your panties or hosiery.  And I believe a "girl rule" is to warn another woman if her's is as well.  :)

There are probably plenty more that others could add, but I think this is a good start, and I really should wrap this up.  There will be a follow-up post in the next couple of days that's a touch more personal; I just didn't feel like it really belonged here.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Pronouns

I wanted to get back to my little series of "Transitioning 101" posts and this subject came up elsewhere the other day and I did actually dive into the discussion on it as while I felt there were some great points and thoughts shared there I also took issue with some of what was being shared.  While all of the posts in this series have been at least semi-personal; this one will definitely be very personal as I have strong thoughts on some things when it comes to pronouns.  As always, they are simply *my thoughts*, nothing more, nothing less.  If you agree with some/any/all of them - well great.  If you disagree with some/any/all of them - that's great too.  I'm more than willing to entertain anyone else's viewpoints on anything, especially this.

For myself, especially early on, I didn't really worry about pronouns all that much.  I knew my presentation wasn't great, and my voice even worse.  Looking back on it 3+ years later it's probably even worse than I thought it was back then from an appearance perspective and while my voice is better these days it's still not great so I know it was bad back then.  As such I more or less felt like the proverbial "man in a dress" quite a bit of the time, so I sort of expected to not hear things like she/her/ma'am/etc; and quite often I didn't even when presenting female.  I'm not saying I got he/him/sir/etc, rather what I usually got back then was a complete lack of pronouns from people.  That really didn't bother me all that much, though it was disappointing to for example go to a restaurant with J or M and hear them refer to us as "ladies" or have a server say something like "and for you ma'am?" and then when they'd hear my voice or get a better look at me drop all pronouns.  But as I said, I more or less didn't expect much so for me it was of a disappointment in myself than anything.  I had failed to "do enough to pass/blend" - be it my voice, my appearance, or whatever.  I never really got upset at anyone other than myself (with one notable exception) because I never felt it was coming across as malicious.

That being said, I do vividly remember the first time I got referred to as "ma'am" and the person honestly meant it.  I had left an appointment with my therapist and was feeling pretty good about myself.  As it happened I was by myself which at the time was out of the ordinary, but J had to work and M had an appointment.  I was hungry, so I went by a Lion's Choice (a regional roast beef chain, far superior to Arby's IMO) for lunch.  For whatever reason my voice was reasonable that day and I suppose I looked fairly nice.  If I had just gotten it from one person I might have blown it off, but both the person taking my order and the person who presented my order used ma'am and it didn't come across as the "just being polite" kind of ma'am I had gotten in the past.  Now maybe I was just in an overly positive mood that day, but it really seemed like I had blended in and I was very happy about it.

Over time it's gotten better and better, to the point where it's only those rare occasions where I don't get a pronoun at all, and I honestly can only recall perhaps two times since I chose to transition where I've been presenting fully as female where I've gotten a male pronoun thrown my way.  However, this leads me to one of my points for this post.  I see a great many people who let it ruin their day if they get mis-gendered and while I understand that, I also think that perhaps there is a better way to look at it.  If I don't get she/her/ma'am/etc from someone and I am presenting full on female, then rather than let it ruin my day, I try and evaluate *why* that happened.  Did my voice slip?  Is there an issue with my hair and/or makeup, or clothing?  Were my mannerisms off?  Something else?  Sure in some instances it may have simply been a conscious choice on the person's part to use gender-neutral pronouns or simply none at all - I know in the past I've done that myself.  But I feel that more often than not, it is because of something on my part and I want to figure out what that something is so I can correct it going forward.  So rather than get upset and let it ruin my outing/day, I try and use it as sort of a teaching moment for myself.  Now, if I feel it was maliciously done - which has only been the case perhaps twice in 3+ years, then yes I will say something to the appropriate people.  But even in those couple of instances, I still was more interested in determining what I could do better or differently to have prevented that.  I'm not saying that everyone can/should do what I do, but perhaps it is something to consider.

Another hot button is how to handle pronouns when talking about a person in their "pre-transition" days.  The consensus seems to be to use the pronouns that are appropriate to the persons current gender presentation and I tend to agree with that for the most part.  That being said, I do prefer when/if possible to find out how the person wishes to be referred to.  So if for example Caitlyn Jenner preferred to have her Olympic experiences discussed using the name of "Bruce Jenner" and male pronouns because that's how she was presenting at the time, well then I'd want to honor her wishes.  Now if for whatever reason it's not possible to find out how a person wishes to be referred to in their pre-transition days, then for me I'm going to err on the side of caution and use their current name and pronoun choices.  The main reason *I* would do that is to avoid potentially outing someone.  In the case of Ms. Jenner, I don't think it's really possible to "out" her, but for many who are/have transitioned, it is possible and it is not my place to do that.

Now with that being said, I do personally draw one major exception in regards to *myself*.  And that is when people are discussing me in my pre-Madison days.  As an example, I've talked about one of my Uncle's in this blog before that has been really supportive of me.  When talking to me or about me in the present, he flawlessly uses Madison and female pronouns.  However, when he starts talking about me in days past, such as when I was a ring bearer at his wedding, he tends to slip into using my old name and male pronouns.  Again, I know for many people this would really bother them, and I fully understand that.  But for me, while I'd prefer to hear "Madison" and "she/her/etc", I feel that his memories of those times are of me presenting as a male, going by the name he used in telling his story and as such I personally don't expect him to alter his memories on the fly.  Would I be happier if he could/would?  Of course.  But I'm not going to hold it against him if he doesn't.  I'm happy that he's supportive of me and I'm not about to make an issue over something like this.  I'm not saying that my approach is necessarily right for anyone else, but it's what works for me.

It's late and I should wrap this up and get to bed.  Looking back over what I've written, I almost feel that this post doesn't fit in with the rest of the ones in this little series, but what's done is done.  So with that I bid everyone a good night.

- M

A Nice Day Out...

I tend to try and not write about specific days out, as I figure for the most part nobody cares about that out other than me. However, yesterday was an exceptionally nice and fun day and if for no other reason that for me to be able to go back and remember the day, I wanted to write a bit about it.  So if you don't want to hear about my "outing" then feel free to skip over this post, my feelings won't be hurt.  :)

M was taking a few vacation days and had mentioned doing some running around when she got off work Saturday morning and I thought it would be good to get out and about since I haven't done much of that lately due to the heat.  Unfortunately, J had to work an early shift which for her is 8-6 and couldn't go out with us.  So, as is normal, I was up early to get her lunch prepared for work and once she left I set about doing some "clean up" work on my body.  With it being so hot, I had wanted to wear a dress - I've picked up several "summery" ones lately - a couple of longer ones, and a couple of knee length ones.  I had worn one of the shorter ones (a black and white one) the other night when J and I ran out to grab some things, so I wanted to try out the other which is an orange and white one.  Orange isn't normally a color I pick out, but I'm making a concerted effort to get some brighter colors in my wardrobe since most of what I have is black or other dark colors.  Now the other night when I ran out with J my legs weren't exactly in the shape I'd like so I opted for some pantyhose which I really did like - it was the first time I had tried "suntan" ones - but I knew it would be too hot for those so I needed to touch up my legs, and while I was at it my arms and chest needed some work and obviously my face.

M and offered to help me with my makeup.  Normally I wear a heavy foundation, but that was picked out probably two years ago when I was just starting my laser.  It's a nice foundation, but with it being so hot and my face being so much clearer now thanks to the laser, M felt I could get by with some concealer and BB cream.  I was a bit skeptical, but in hindsight I think it was a good choice and it actually held up pretty well.  Actually, we went fairly light on all my makeup, it was probably as close to a "natural" look as I've ever been out in and going forward, especially while it remains warm it's probably the kind of look I'll be trying to use for the most part.  My outfit consisted of the aforementioned orange dress, a bra and panties, and my favorite white heels, though I took a pair of casual orange flats that I really like, but don't normally get to wear in case my feet hurt.  Normally I don't do that, but I haven't worn heels very much this summer and I knew I'd be out for a while.  Back to the outfit, I really do love the dress, but it was an experience as it is more of a summery dress and I'm not used to wearing those, so I felt almost a little "naked" at first.  :)  We added a bit of jewelry, a nice little necklace that I picked up a while ago, a matching "gummi bear" bracelet and earrings that we found at Claire's recently, a cheesy anklet since I love those, and my prior wig - the shorter one - since it was so hot.  I also swapped out my favorite black purse with a one that J got me last year.  Here's the "outfit", try and ignore the expression as M managed to snap the photo at an inopportune moment. :)

We had initially thought we'd go looking for a new pair of flats for me, probably at Payless since they carry my size, as the pair I wear primarily has seen better days.  We were also going to run by a Dollar Tree, perhaps get some lunch, and then do some grocery shopping as she needed to get some things to make a dinner that M2 had asked her for.  So nothing really special, really just a few errands was to be it.

We ended up hitting two different Payless stores and I never really found what I was looking for - at least not in my size.  The current flats I tend to wear actually have a bit of a heel on them and while I didn't like that when M first gave them to me, now I really do.  They had some similar, but one pair was slightly too big and one slightly too small - at my size they only do full sizes and I really needed either something on the half-size or if the larger pair had not been a "wide" they might have worked.  M did find a couple of pairs of really cute wedges, one of which I wished came in my size.  :)

We also did hit a couple of Dollar Trees, M had a field day there, I personally didn't find much, but the overall experience was good.  The highlight of the day was probably our lunch.  There's a place not too far from us - Ethyl's Smokehouse, that we've been by hundreds of times over the years and never tried.  Mainly because it has the look of a "bar" and we don't really drink.  However, I really wanted to try something new and M had expressed a desire to try it as well so we ended up there.  I won't dwell on the experience as I've already written a Yelp review on it, but suffice it to say the food was good, and the service was excellent.  And while I was making an effort with my voice, I know it slipped a couple of times to our server and yet she never faltered with pronouns nor changed the way she treated us.  We'll definitely be back.  We did also hit the grocery store, a new "Ruler Foods" which from what I understand is basically Kroger's version of "Aldi".  It's far enough from us that we probably wouldn't normally go in there, but we did get enough things to make it worthwhile and again everybody was so nice there.

It was so hot, that despite bringing a cooler and getting ice, we decided to bring the food home and the intent had been to call it day since M had been up all night working; but I had been talking about getting a new purse since my favorite black Guess bag is showing some wear; so she talked me into heading over to a Ross as while it's not my favorite place to shop, they do have some nice purses that are fairly reasonable.  As it was, I found several I liked, including a couple of Betsy Johnson ones that in years past I never would have even considered.  But all in all, I *liked* them, I didn't *love* them so I couldn't pull the trigger.  The trip wasn't a waste though as we picked up several clothing items for her, J, P, and myself, as well as a cute pair of wedges similar to the white ones I had on today.

We stopped at a McDonald's as I had to use the restroom (again), and that store happens to be across the street from a Beauty supply place that M frequents so we went in and looked around.  Normally I'm not a huge fan of the place as their jewelry and such isn't really my thing.  However, I did find a couple of cute things for my hair (hopefully), and a nice anklet, all for a dollar a piece.  They do also have a huge amount of wigs - the vast majority of them very cheap.  The even carry the brand I use (Estetica) and while those aren't overly cheap, they are a good 20+% cheaper than what I normally pay.  I'm tempted to try a couple of the ones they have as there were some I liked in the $40-$50 range and I normally pay $150-$300 for mine.  If they work out, then great, if not, well I'm not out all that much.  The highlight of this visit was how polite the store personnel were.  The person in charge recognized M and asked if we were sisters.  I don't know that I believe that she really thought that, but I would believe I was at least passable enough for her to say it and that made me feel good as at this point we had been out about 8 hours and my makeup hadn't melted. :)

From there we hit another grocery store to get a few more things for M's dinner and headed home.  By the time we put them all away it was well after 6pm and J was on her way home.  Now normally I would have removed the hair, makeup, and clothes, and settled into my typical around the house wear.  But I still felt good, I thought I looked reasonably good, and I wanted to take J out to dinner.  With it being Saturday and me telling M that I'd see that P got up for work and we'd take her to work, we didn't have a lot of time, so we settled on Qdoba since it's close, it's quick, and we can agree on it. :)  Despite a bit of a debate over something, it was a nice dinner out with J, and it capped off a really fun and nice day for me.  All told I think I ended up in about a dozen stores and restaurants, as well as several ladies rooms, and had no issues, and was treated incredibly well everywhere.  I guess that last part shouldn't surprise me as I almost never have an issue, but me being a glass half-empty person I always sort of expect to.  Now if I could just get the voice down, things would be even better.

I know it probably sounds like a dull day to many and in reality it probably is.  But it wasn't about what we did, it was simply that I was able to be out and about the whole day with people I really like and care about and have a good time doing it.  It was also great to be able to get out in such minimal makeup (and no foundation) and still be at least reasonably "passable".  That was a lesson I needed to learn as I have a hard time justifying the time to do a full makeup job to run to the store, but what M showed me only took her 5 minutes tops (so probably 10 for me LOL), but is something I could do for those short little spur of the moment trips and I'll feel better about myself than going out without hair and makeup and being basically androgynous.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that look, goodness knows I've done it a lot over the years.  But I am one of those people that does want to wear the dresses, makeup, heels, etc., and a lot of times I don't because I feel over dressed.  However, dressed like this, I felt comfortable in places like the grocery store and that made me feel good.

With that I think I'll wrap this up as I've babbled on for what seems like forever and as I said above I'm sure this topic will bore most people, but I had a great day and I wanted to be able to look back on this post and remember just how great a day I had.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Managing Expectations

Most of the topics in this "Transitioning 101" series I've been writing off and on about are things that I've been fairly significantly impacted by (both good and bad); but the majority of those things were more or less "external" things that impacted me.  Expectations however; are more of an internal impact; though there are also external expectations such as those from family, friends, employer(s), etc.  That being said, this topic going to focus on those internal expectations that come with transitioning.  One side note, while I tend to focus on Trans-women since that's the demographic I fall into personally, this post will definitely skew towards that even more than normal.  

I think the best place for me to start is with myself.  I have a tendency to expect the worst, or at least towards the worst, when it comes to the outcome of anything, not just things related to my transition.  Some (many?  most?) would say that's not a great way to go into things, but over the years it's worked for me.  The vast majority of the time things do go better, often far better, than what I expected and I believe that helps keep me happy.  And for those rare occasions that things do go poorly, well then I got about what I expected.  I believe that this attitude of mine has played a significant role in how my transition has worked out.  For the most part things have been great and have exceeded my expectations.  There have been two notable exceptions where I let my expectations become overly positive in relation to how things worked out and I'll touch on those later; but all in all I think I've done well managing my expectations in relation to my transition.  

However, as time has went by and I've paid more and more attention to others transitions, I see far too many who have suffered or are suffering from their expectations not being meant.  In many cases that has led to at least some disappointment, and in some cases - far worse.  While I cannot say that had if any of their expectations been different that things would have worked out better; I am fairly certain that in at least some cases, things might have worked out differently and hopefully better.  Now before someone gets upset and thinks I'm heading off on some sort of "victim blaming" diatribe, that's not the case.  All I'm saying is that having reasonable expectations, especially when it comes to transitioning, is something I believe will contribute to the success of a transition and hopefully at least increase the odds of a person being happier than they were pre-transition.

So now that I've made my assertion on managing expectations, I thought it only fair that I give a few examples of what I feel are common areas where expectations could often be better managed.  And as I say all the time, and probably should have said before now in this topic, I'm sure some/many/most may disagree with how I see things and as always that's fine.  I'm by no means a mental health professional, nor for that matter an expert on transitioning.  These are simply my thoughts and observations and should simply be treated as such - nothing more.  So with that out of the way, lets get on to some of those areas.

The first one is one that I've talked about in another part of this series of posts and that is HRT.  All too often I see people who seem to believe that HRT is some magic bullet that will suddenly make them into their vision of the woman they want to be.  First off, appearance doesn't make the person, much less the woman.  That being said, I can understand the desire to be attractive; especially as a Trans-woman since society as a whole tends to place so much weight on that.  But if you expect to become a supermodel simply from HRT, not to mention it happening virtually immediately - well you're likely in for a bad time.  Yes, there are plenty of people who have had great success on HRT, but even for those that do, it's often a lengthy process and there is often far more than HRT at play.  There may be surgeries involved, makeup often plays a huge part, as can hair style and clothing choices.  And even with those things aside, HRT is a roll of the dice.  For example, some develop fairly large breasts, some average, some below average, and some almost none at all.  Some may have more redistribution of body fat than others, and so on.  I'm by no means trying to minimize the effects of HRT, I'm just saying the expectations of what it might do need to be reasonable.  For myself, truthfully considering my age when I started HRT, I didn't expect much and I've been pleasantly surprised to this point.

Another place where I think expectations are often overly optimistic is when it comes to pronoun usage.  I've actually got an entire topic dedicated to pronouns coming up, so I won't delve too far into it here; but to just expect every person you come into contact with to automatically start using your preferred pronouns 100% of the time is just not reality in my experience.  If for example I'm presenting female then yes I have an expectation to hear she/her/ma'am/etc.  This is especially true for anyone who didn't know me pre-transition.  However, even if am presenting female, people who knew me pre-transition, in some cases 40+ years, well no matter how good their intentions are, they may well slip up from time to time - especially early on.  It doesn't mean they don't care, it doesn't mean they were being malicious, it doesn't need to ruin my day.  People make mistakes and for those that I care about, well they get the benefit of the doubt until they prove they deserve otherwise.  And I haven't even touched upon if I were to present androgynously or even male as I did before I went full-time.  In those cases, especially with those that don't know me, how can I expect them to get pronouns right 100% of the time?  But yet I see people who seem to think that this should be the case and then being upset over an incorrect pronoun.  Look, I'm not saying that I should have to be in a dress to hear she/her/ma'am/etc, but if I were to walk up to a complete stranger dressed in a male tuxedo, no makeup, a bald head, and speak in a deep voice - well then how can I be surprised if they drop a he/him/sir/etc on me?  Well for me personally I wouldn't be; but there are those that are and I really think they need to re-evaluate those expectations.

Another expectation that come to mind are employers - this is one of those places where I let my own expectations get too positive, though as I've touched on this before I won't revisit it here.  Yes, in a perfect world, employers would be supportive, or at a minimum accepting of an employee transitioning.  However, there are plenty that aren't and in those cases even if there are legal protections, it is possible for an employer to find their way around them if they really want to.  Yet I still see a great many people that for example feel that as long as they live in a state with legal protections that their employer won't make things an issue.  In many cases that is true, but to have a blind expectation of it, well that's just begging for disappointment in my opinion.

There are plenty of other things I could talk about, and even go the other way where people have an expectation that they can "never pass" when in fact with enough effort they probably could.  Or people that feel their wife/girlfriend/SO/family/etc would never be supportive when in fact they just might surprise them; but I think I've made my point.  As I said above, I'm not advocating having low expectations as I tend to do, but rather simply having realistic expectations.  I really do believe that doing so goes a long way towards being happy and having a successful transition.

- M