Transitioning As A Submissive....

While far and away the most popular post in this blog was the one that I detailed J and I's trip to Michigan for my orchiectomy,  after that the posts I've made regarding J and I's attempt at living a Dominant/Submissive (D/S) lifestyle are consistently among the most viewed posts here.  I will say that's a bit of a surprise for me as in my opinion the majority of the content of those posts is pretty bland.  Part of that is simply "by design" as I have another blog that is dedicated to that topic; although I find that I only tend to write in that one when J requires it.  I prefer to use this blog to express my own thoughts and normally those thoughts tend towards things other than the D/S dynamic of our relationship.  That being said since those posts do seem to have more than their fair share of activity and since I really wanted to post something for the weekend and was lacking a suitable topic I thought now would be a good time to delve into our relationship dynamic and how my transition affects that.

As I've said elsewhere, J and I both are natural submissives which in some ways is like trying to force the north poles of two magnets together.  For those that aren't into the "lifestyle" that may or may not make sense, but at least for us it's simply a fact that we've struggled with since we've gotten together.  And not only in a D/S context, but in everyday life.  Now before I go on let me make a statement that I often make and that is this:

I'm by no means saying that how J or I see being submissive is the way *anyone* else may - be they submissives, dominants, or neither.  I'm writing this from *OUR* perspectives on things, and even then it's really mostly *my* perspective since J is at work at the moment.  Now I do believe she would agree with most, if not all of what's here (and if she doesn't I'm sure she will get around to writing something herself on the topic).  So as always feel free to agree or disagree with what I'm writing here as it might relate to you or those you know, but for us this is how it is.

Back to what I was saying above, the fact that both of us are naturally submissive does impact our non-D/S lives in many ways.  For example we often get taken advantage of be it by friends, family, work, or so on.  In some cases it simply happens because of our "submissive nature", in other cases I firmly believe it's intentional because people realize that they can get away with it.  I'm not saying we simply let people "walk over us", but the reality is that sometimes it almost comes down to that.  I think I'm the more likely of the two of us to take a stand when it happens, but even that doesn't occur all that often.  I do think we are both far more likely to stand up for each other than ourselves and really that plays into the submissiveness we both exhibit as from our perspectives a submissive will generally always look out for whomever they are attached to.

But really, this isn't about that, it's more about how being submissive and a trans-woman work together as well as conflict with each other.  For starters there is my emotional state.  I've always been the type of person who has tender feelings.  I sort of joke that my feelings literally get hurt multiple times per day, but it's not really a joke, but rather reality - I simply take *everything* personally.  Now over the years I've gotten to the point that while it still occurs, I also get over them quickly.  But it makes things very difficult for J as she can say the most innocent thing and it will upset me/hurt my feelings.  I make an effort to not show it as often as possible - especially with her - but sometimes I simply cannot help it.  It really becomes challenging for her as verbal humiliation is something that she's very good at and truthfully is very effective with me; but it's a fine line - probably too fine - as since things that might have been said pre-transition and been effective are now things that may well be "over the line".

Then of course there are the physical issues.  While I consider myself a woman - as does J - I still physically don't have "all the right parts" so as much as she can treat me like a woman she cannot do some things that a dominant might do to a female.  For example since my breasts are (hopefully) still growing she tends to avoid doing anything that might impede that growth.  On the other hand, while I do have growth, it's not enough to have them big enough to do some things that a dominant might chose to do with a cis-female submissive.  Then of course there is the area "down south".  Since the orchi separated me from a couple of life long friends it makes certain types of play such as chastity difficult at best; although even prior to the orchi this had become a challenge anyway between the hormones, the blood pressure medicine, and my mental state there wasn't much arousal which made many of the kinds of things that a dominant might want to do with a cis-male difficult at best and in many cases impossible.

Other things have become difficult to impossible as well, such as humiliation via things such as cross-dressing, since I do live/dress as a woman now it's not like she can really do that.  I suppose she could make me dress as a male, but I just don't think it would have nearly the effect that it did back pre-transition when I would be made to cross-dress.  Wearing heels is no longer a punishment - I love heels and wish I could wear them all the time.  Same with makeup, and so on.

Now this isn't to say that we haven't adapted.  We have, although it's an ongoing process.  And a learning process at that as we are both going where neither of us has been before and as such some things work, some work well, others don't work, and some fail spectacularly.  That's less of an issue for me that J.  She takes any failures hard which is a touch ironic as I'm really the one that normally "has to succeed".  But when it comes to this I seem to be better equipped to handle the inevitable failures than she does.  Considering I'm the one that takes everything personally in general, she really takes any failures personally and as such when they do happen it's hard for her and it makes it hard for us.  The other thing that makes it hard for us is me.  The analogy I used with her - earlier today in fact - is that in some ways I approach our D/S lifestyle as that of a wild horse with her as the cowboy who needs to break me.  Ideally she'd do that without any "help" on my part just as the cowboy would to the stallion.  It's taken me some time, but that simply isn't going to work for us, J just isn't that kind of person.  It's going to have to be more of a joint effort - I'm going to have to actually work at being submissive just as much as she has to work at being dominant.  It's a definite mindset change for me as back in the day when I was more or less a full-time submissive, my Domme (we'll call her J2) was different that J is.  Not better, simply different.  J actually has more experience - albeit from the submissive side - than J2 did at the time, but J2 was more of an Alpha personality than J is and it made things different (again different, not better, not worse).  I was also much different, definitely much younger, far more naive, less jaded, and in some ways simply a better person.  I know I cannot be the person I was say 20-25 years ago, that's not possible, but I'd like to think that in many ways I could be similar to the person I was back then and I think if I can do that then J and I will have things go even better than they are now - both in the D/S context and in our marriage.  It's not that things aren't good now, I like to believe that they are as good as, if not better than they have ever been (I'd lean towards the latter), but I also believe that they could be even better and that's what I'd love to see happen and now I think I understand what I can/need to do to help make that happen.

- M