After a (little) bit of prodding, I did manage to convince "J" to write something for the blog. Partially because I've been slacking a bit here lately, but mostly because I thought some might enjoy hearing from her. What is below is completely hers (minus a couple of edits for spelling), enjoy.
- M
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When I got the email that changed “us” forever I
feared the worst. I figured we would not make it, she would want someone new, or
that she would become another statistic and commit suicide as so many on her
journey had. I also figured this process would be quicker. Well, in short I was
wrong about everything except one…I still love her and I do more than I ever
thought possible.
Madison is the only person I see when I look at her.
I do not see “<her old name>” or a boy. I see a woman, or “my girl” as I like to call her.
Even when she has to wear icky boy clothes for work I see a woman.
Life has not been easy, but if it was then the world
would not have poverty, war, hate, violence, child abuse, animal abuse and all
the other horrible things that people do to themselves and others. I wish every
day that Madison saw the real changes in herself more—she is happier, has
softer skin than me, nicer style than me, pretty make-up, a laugh and sense of
humor I would kill for, the sweetest pout when she is sad, great cooking skills,
and a glow that lights up the darkest night. Will she ever be a model, perhaps
not, but she is pretty to me. She has gotten silly sometimes, she is a much
happier, sweeter, kinder person than she was when this started.
I have always loved her no matter what, but
sometimes in the past things were really hard. Madison has always been a
perfectionist and that includes in improving the lives of those around her. She
has been held to high standards her whole life and she holds others to similar
ones. While that is actually an admirable thing, to want others to be their best it has caused a ton of fights.
Since her transition started Madison has put a lot
of energy into not being so forceful with her wanting others to change. We
still fight, but at least the fights are quick and then we spend good time
making up for the fight. Before when we fought it could be hours before we
“made up”.
I think the biggest change for me though is seeing
Madison want to be Madison. While she still gets mad at herself for not having
real hair or struggling with clothes that flatter, she wants to go out and she
doesn’t care if people don’t like her at first glance. Before she walked a few
steps behind M or I, but now she is next to me or even in front of me.
She is aware of how people see her, and that others may never accept who she
is, but at least she does not care enough about close-minded people’s views
anymore so that she is limited by us going out.
There is one issue with this acceptance of herself.
That is me. I don’t always think in the protective stance anymore. I used to
worry about her going out alone, or us going somewhere new. While I loved her
for who she was/is I knew others did not even want to be around her and it
really worried me, to the point of fear, that someone would hurt her. Now that
she does not care who stares or makes mean comments, I don’t always think about
the places that I want us to go and the risk that I might place us in by going
to those places. For example, when looking at restaurants I never thought about
bar and grill places being an issue until she brought up that lots of them are
more bar and a bar is not a good place sometimes for women. Another example is
a concert. I got us tickets to see Billy Joel. Well the concert might be fine,
but it will take us to downtown Saint Louis on a Friday night. Not a great
idea. Here’s the point, I don’t think about these things until Madison brings
them up and then we tend to have a disagreement, because in my mind I am trying
to do something nice. The reality is that no matter how nice the act if someone
gets hurt the niceness of the act was not worth it.
That has been one of the biggest issues for us
both—accepting that people will not accept us. I know the homosexual community
still faces a lot of hate, but transgender tends to get it worse. If Madison
passes then we are seen as a lesbian couple. If she does not pass she gets
hated on for trying to be something she is not and I risk hate as well for
accepting and loving her for who she is now.
I know some of our homosexual friends might disagree, but having our
marriage in limbo is upsetting for me as well. I guess I should just be happy
that we live in a state that does still ignore her gender change and see us as
married. I just wish that we could be married as two women, women who are
accepted for who they are.
Overall, I am the happiest I have even been with
anyone. I have been with men and women, and now a man who has become a woman,
and I would not trade her for the world. Even I have to be the husband to make
things “fit” for others, I’ll be the boy as long as she and I can be happy.
- J
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