This did resonate with me as I had struggled with the same thing early on in my transition. I don't know that I struggled with it as much as this person did, but it was frustrating to me to see just how successful some people had been with their transition when it came to their appearance. I knew going in that at my age - nearly 42 at the time - that I likely wouldn't see nearly as many changes from HRT as people who were younger than I was (in some cases half my age or less); but despite that it seemed like I wasn't seeing hardly any changes. I would look at timelines of others and see just how pretty they looked and how they looked when they started and it would depress me as I felt I'd never pass much less look as nice as they did.
As some point, and I can't really pinpoint exactly when, things sort of changed for me. I realized several things. For one, the reality is that many of those people started from a better place than I did. By that I mean maybe they had a more feminine face or nicer hair or any of a multitude of things that I didn't have. Upon giving this some serious thought it dawned on me that instead of focusing on the end results of others, perhaps I should look more into the changes - the "delta" if you will. If I were to play basketball with someone and spot them 10 points - they'd start out ahead 10-0. If at the end of the game it was 21-11, well despite the fact that they would still be ahead of me, the reality is that we would have scored the same amount of points. For that matter the score could be 21-15 and again they would still be ahead of me, but I would have outscored them 15-11. In my case reality is that perhaps the score would end up say 21-8 or something, but being outscored 11-8 - well that wouldn't really be all that bad in my book.
The second thing I realized is that looking at these timelines carefully, in the vast majority of them it was apparent that over time that they had become more proficient with their makeup, their hair, their clothing may have become more flattering, and so on. Those for the most part are all skills that can be acquired with the requisite effort and at the time I not only had not really had the time to become proficient, I also hadn't been giving it the effort that I should to try and achieve the results I really wanted.
Lastly, I realized that I should see these timelines as an inspiration; both from a perspective that others were going through the same things I was, but more because of just what kinds of things were possible. Maybe I could/would attain as much progress as some of them, maybe I wouldn't, but despite how I felt about myself at the time there was no reason I couldn't make the same kind of effort and see what would happen.
Now 28+ months since I made the choice to transition I can look back at photos from early on versus now and see changes - changes that may or may not be more/better than others, but regardless of that, changes that make me happier with myself. Yes I still have days where I'm not happy with my hair, makeup, etc., but even on a bad hair/makeup day I still feel I look far better than I did 2+ years ago. But even if I didn't, I definitely feel I look happier. I consider that a success and I attribute a portion of that success to all the wonderful people who have posted pictures of their progress. Those pictures ended up inspiring me to work towards what I want.
So for the woman who felt "ugly and worthless" because of the progress others have made - you shouldn't. Be happy for those women and what they have accomplished, but more importantly realize that their success in no way defines or diminishes you, I, or anyone else. I'll never be as financially successful as Bill Gates or Warren Buffet, I'll never be as pretty as Jennifer Aniston or even Laverne Cox, I'll never be as athletic or as smart as many people, and so on. But regardless of any of those facts, I'm happy with my transition, and more important I'm happy with my life and I hope you can find your happiness as well.
I'll close with two photos - the first one is from a week or two ago and the second is from my first time out as Madison.
I'm not overly ecstatic about the first picture as it was cold and as such I'm in jeans and I really prefer a skirt or dress, and I've put a good 10lbs on recently; but in reality those are what I feel are typical "female concerns". I will say that compared to the picture on the right - I don't feel there is any comparison as to which is better (though I do miss that top on the right <G>).
So with that I'll wrap this up, have a great weekend. :)
- M
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