My Choice To Transition - Two Years Later

I had a different topic just about written, when the discussion came up about tomorrow (6/29) being the second anniversary of my - well "our" as J was obviously involved - decision for me to transition.  As such, I decided to write about that instead and will save the other topic for another day.

Before I get into what I am going to write, let me say that choosing to transition was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  It's been wonderful for me (for the most part), it's been wonderful for J and I's marriage, and I even think that M (and P and even M2) would agree that it's made things better around the house.  That's not to say it's been all rainbows and unicorns as there have been some downs to go with all the wonderful ups, but I can honestly say that if I could go back two years and decide again - I'd make the same decision 100% of the time and have no regrets about doing so.

Now while I mean it when I say I would have no regrets about choosing to transition, I do have some regrets about how things have went.  The first is the timing of my transition.  I see a question pop up all the time, especially on Reddit - "if you could go back and be born as your chosen gender would you?".  For me the answer is and always will be a resounding *NO*.  If I were to do that I would not be where I am today with a wonderful and doting wife in J, I wouldn't have a great daughter in P, nor an ex-wife who I consider my sister in M, nor a bunch of other things.  However, I do regret not transitioning at least a bit earlier.  I think that shortly after J and I got together that I could have chosen to transition and most, if not almost all of the things that have happened since then still would have occurred - both good and bad.  The difference being that I would have been happier year(s) sooner as would the rest of my chosen family.  I would have gotten an earlier start on my voice, my weight, my hair/makeup skills, HRT, hair removal, and a lot of other things.  I also might have been able to have worked out my job situation better - perhaps I would have still ended up with my current job, but even if I hadn't - well I would have been more keen on finding a different one back then as it's hard to give up the one I have now even if it causes issues with my transition.

Beyond deciding to transition earlier, I regret not working on my voice *much* sooner as that's still one of, if not my single biggest hurdle to deal with.  I may or may not pass visually - although I hope I do at least most of the time, but even if I do - far too often my voice will give me away.  I work on it, although not as much as I should and that will be a point of emphasis going forward.  Speaking of my appearance, here's a picture I shared on G+/Facebook the other day of J and I on our way to the store and lunch.  I think it's one of our better photos.

If I had a complaint it would be that as it always seems to do the sun was a bit bright and I'm squinting a bit, but beyond that I look at that picture and I personally see two very happy people in love and truth be told, what more could I really hope for in life?

Regrets aside, and frankly the ones I've mentioned above are really minor in the grand scheme of things, I have so much to be grateful for.  I've never been happier, in theory I probably haven't been this healthy in 25 years, I'm deeply in love with a woman who loves me just as much back if not more, I've got a wonderful "chosen" family, seven cats that I adore (although at times some more than others), and so on.  Even those few regrets I do have seem inconsequential 

Could life be better for me?  Yes it could. I could have my facial hair (not to mention my body hair) all gone.  I could have a job that would accept and support me as Madison.  I could have already had SRS/GRS.  My voice could be so much better.  I could have more of a social life with some friends and/or family.  But even without those things, I am happy and I know I have it better than a lot of people out there who choose to transition, so rather than ever dwell on any of those things, I'm grateful for the life I have and I only wish that everyone could have things at least as good as I do, if not even better.

Now, don't get me wrong, while I am incredibly happy (and probably incredibly lucky) for the way things have went for me - I will also say that I have worked incredibly hard to obtain those things I do have.  Yes I have had lots of help from J and M, and I'm grateful to have an inspiration like D to have helped nudged me to transition.  But even with all of that I have worked long and hard to try and ensure that I could be successful in my transition.  Even when I've had some of those downs I mentioned above, rather than feel sorry for myself and give up, I would take a few minutes (in some cases a few hours or maybe even a day or two) and lick my wounds, but then I would pick myself up and make the best of things and move on.  Rather than find reasons that I *can't* do x/y/z, I find reasons why I *can* do x/y/z.  I know it's hard at times, but I am a firm believer that a positive attitude goes a long way.  Yes it cannot overcome everything, no matter how positive I am my voice won't suddenly be feminine - or better yet sultry and sexy, but I stay positive that I can work on it and make it better.  I can't suddenly have GRS/SRS just because I'm positive, but yet there are plenty of other things I can work on in the interim.  My voice, my mannerisms, my makeup skills, my weight, and so on.  Even on those incredibly rare *really bad* days, I still try and find something positive to focus on.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that it would be really easy for me (or anyone else) to not transition because it's hard or because of our situations or for a myriad of other reasons.  And in some cases perhaps that is reality and for those that have to live that reality, well for lack of a better term that sucks.  I hate to see anyone suffer and while I never really was truly unhappy as a male, I know how much happier that I am as Madison and I wish everyone could find the same happiness.  But for those that want to transition, I really do hope you can find a way to try and make it happen and find the same happiness I have found.

That last paragraph probably doesn't come across the way I meant it, but unlike I normally do - I'm not going to go back and start rewriting pieces of this particular posting to get it "just right".  I want this to be a one shot post with how I feel, versus me trying to say things "just right".  If I've offended anyone in any way, I am truly sorry that was not my intention.  And with that I'll wrap this up with one final thought.

J, you have been there for me this last two years while I've transitioned and during that time you have loved and cherished me like no other ever would have.  I just want you to know how very much that means to me, and that while in the early years of our relationship and then marriage, I didn't appreciate nor love you as much as you appreciated and loved me.  I listed some regrets above, but this one outweighs all of those put together and I can never truly fix that.  However, over the last two years I have learned how to love and appreciate you the way I should have all along and will cherish every moment we have together forever.  I never could have, nor would have, done this without your blessing, but you have given me more than that and hopefully it has been worth it for you.  I know it has for me.  Love eternally.

- M

Ma'am, Miss, Ladies - When They Get The Gender Right....

As promised last time, a more positive topic today, and that would be when people get gender "right".  I would never try and speak for anyone else, but my observations over the last couple of years would indicate that being correctly gendered is high on the list of concerns of anyone who is transitioning.  For some, perhaps the most important thing, for others perhaps not so much; but I suspect that there aren't all that many who transition that don't give it more than a little thought.

Speaking from my own experiences, early on it was very important to me.  Then over time it became less and less important as I became more sure of myself and less concerned about what others think/thought of me.  However, lately it's taken on a bit more importance again.  I'm not entirely sure why, I suspect it's because going out as Madison is now less of an "event" and more what I'd say a "normal occurrence".  Don't get me wrong, I'll still "dress up" more for particular outings, but for the most part I've settled into almost a "soccer mom" mentality.  I still prefer skirts over pants/jeans, especially when it's warmer, but the makeup is now more subtle, the shoes tend to be flats in lieu of heels, the jewelry tends to be more low key, and so on.  I still try and "look nice", but I also want to dress more in line with what J and/or M wear when we go out together.  I want to be "one of the girls" and "blend in" versus standing out because I'm in a dress and heels and they're going with a more casual look.

I really noticed it the other day.  J, M, and myself went out Saturday to get our eyebrows threaded, some quick shopping for a few things M needed, and then to lunch.  I wore jeans, partially because my legs had a touch of stubble, probably not enough to notice - but I knew it was there; and partially because J and M were wearing jeans and capri jeans respectively and I thought I'd fit in better with them that way.

They always recognize us at the threading place, perhaps because they don't often get three women coming in together; or perhaps it's simply because I stand out - either way it doesn't matter as they are always polite and friendly and do a great job.  The shopping was peaceful as well, I didn't notice anyone giving me a second look, nor did J or M mention that they did; so I'm assuming I was blending in well.

The restaurant is where it really stood out though as the interactions were more up close and personal and we were constantly addressed as ladies as a group without any hesitation or second glances.  I'm not saying I was blending in 100%, perhaps I stood out, perhaps I didn't.  But either way, I felt good about how I looked and acted and how I was treated.

As I said above I hadn't put much emphasis on how I was gendered for a good while as I really felt that more often than not it was simply people being polite, and perhaps that was part of it here as well - but for the first time in a long time I really felt like it was more than that.  I felt like I blended in and was being treated as any other cis-woman would and not simply being humored out of politeness.  Regardless of if that's the case or not, that's how I took it and it was a much needed pick me up.  I know my voice still needs work to be consistent, although I was mistaken for M on the phone twice yesterday morning so perhaps even that is getting a little better.

So with that I'll wrap things up, although first I'll share another picture from the other day - this one with J as I thought we looked really nice together.

- M

Follow-up Doctor's Visit

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling really poorly and had been for a week to ten days.  I finally gave in and went to see my Doctor - well actually their new Nurse Practitioner and ended up in the Emergency Room and subsequently the Hospital.  I wrote about the experience, or at least part of it recently, so this is not to get back into that, but rather the follow-up/aftermath of that experience.

I had gotten to the ER around 4:45pm that Thursday (6/5) and ended up in a room around 8pm that night.  As I detailed in those earlier posts there was honestly a point in time in the ER that I thought I might not survive.  There was concern about kidney failure, but they seemed more concerned about my potassium levels and heart issues.  My blood pressure was very low (8x/5x) and it was dropping each time the machine took it and finally the machine started beeping louder and louder and several people showed up and I was honestly terrified.  Not so much that I might die, but that I would have died with the last words I said to J not having been "I love you" and in fact being less than pleasant.  However, they got things to start improving and my first night was uneventful; but I had hot and cold running nurses and technicians visiting me all night long.  Friday morning consisted of lots more blood work, tests such as another EKG, an Echo-Cardiogram (I think that's what it was called - it was like an ultrasound for my heart), an actual Ultrasound, and so on.  However, as the day progressed things were improving and I had more down time.  I got a bit of work done and spent some time with J that evening - I had insisted she go to work since she was prepping for inventory and truthfully there wasn't much she could do at the hospital - especially since I was improving.  I saw a kidney specialist and my Doctor (well my Doctor's husband as I detailed earlier) and they speculated as to my medications and such.  By Saturday morning I was feeling great and I saw the kidney specialist again and he said he was recommending I be released, which my Doctor confirmed a bit later.  The conditions were that I have blood work done that Wednesday (6/11), have a follow-up visit in about two weeks, and go off of all my blood pressure medication and my Spiro; I eagerly agreed as I wanted to come home.  

Since I've been released I have been off the medications, the blood pressure was a good thing for me as it indicates that my weight loss has been helpful.  We take my blood pressure once or twice per day to stay on top of it and it's up a bit, but still just at normal levels.  The Spiro - that really didn't bother me as at my last visit with Dr. Swenson we discussed going off of it at some point due to the Orchiectomy anyway.  I had my blood work done as well and it came back really good.

So what's the point of this post?  Well it was the follow-up visit with my GP this week.  I was feeling good so I got a little bit dressed up:

It was a new dress, although it probably would have looked nicer if the wind hadn't blown up it at the last minute like that.  That aside, I thought I looked reasonably nice as well.

The visit started just fine, there was nobody in the waiting room when I got there, and I got taken back pretty quick.  That's when things went a bit downhill.  My weight was back up to about 220lbs.  I expected some gain as the 211lbs I was at my visit two weeks prior - well I was dehydrated and hadn't been eating, but 9lbs was a bit much I thought.  Then the nurse took my blood pressure and it was 14x/8x which was well higher than I had been getting at home.  Not that the meter we bought was super expensive, but it was the model that we had been told to get so I assumed it was reasonably accurate.

But what really got to me was when my GP came in.  We exchange pleasantries and I took stock of her outfit, which was a very nice dress - one that I would have liked to own. :)  Then we started talking about my last visit and the subsequent ER/Hospital visit/stay.  She made reference to how serious it was, and in hindsight, perhaps I should have let things be, but I couldn't.  I asked her just how serious things were and she flat out told me that if I had waited another say 48 hours or so - well I might not have survived.  That was a sombering thought for me - I had been worried in the ER over my heart, but apparently the kidney's were just as big of an issue.  I hadn't thought so since I was still urinating, but apparently I was simply expelling liquid and they weren't actually processing it.  Now perhaps she was being overly dramatic, but to be honest I think she's a pretty straight shooter and in my mind I have no reason to not believe her.  The thing is, well I almost didn't go when I couldn't get an appointment to see her.  I really didn't want to see the Nurse Practitioner - although after meeting her I would have no issues doing so in the future.  Even when the NP called me that afternoon and told me to go right to the ER, I thought about not doing so.  I've always been one that felt like I would be fine, but this series of events has been a real eye opener.  Yes I felt dumpy, yes I had no energy and appetite, but I wasn't really in pain.  I felt bad, but not like I was trending towards no longer living.  For things to be that serious and for me to not really feel all that bad - it's really mind boggling for me.  Definitely a lesson learned.  

The rest of the visit wasn't bad, she ended up retaking my blood pressure and it came down to 12x/8x so she elected to keep me off of blood pressure medication providing I continued to monitor it at home and called if the the numbers got much above 120/80.  She also requested I get my blood work checked again in about two weeks and with that I was free to head home.  

I guess I should have been happy with how the visit went all things considered, but I just couldn't get over the fact of what she told me about the 48 hours.  It's been four days since that visit and I'd like to think I'm now over that - what's done is done and I now know better, but I think reality is that it will continue to weigh on my mind for a long time to come.  

In any event, I think this is enough about this particular topic, going forward I'll find more pleasant things to write about.  :)

- M

Is "Trans-Friendly" Always The Right Thing To Look For?

I was browsing the AskTransgender Subreddit on Reddit this morning and ran across a question about hair styling.  The person who posted it wrapped up their post asking about "trans-friendly" hair stylists in their area and that got me to thinking.  Is seeking out "trans-friendly" services, retailers, and so on always the best and/or right thing to do?

Now before I get into what I have to say let me make it clear that I'm by no means advocating that a trans-woman (or trans-man) frequent some place that it is clearly anti-trans.  Rather what I'm question is the need to always specifically seek out places that are to quote "trans-friendly".  Now in this example I personally don't have a dog in the fight one way or the other and really I'm probably not qualified to make the comment I made since I really have no hair of my own and am relegated to wigs in the first place.  However, me being me, I didn't let that stop me.  What I had to say was that perhaps instead of worrying about if the stylist was quote "trans-friendly", perhaps they should seek out a stylist that was simply talented and professional.  It seemed to me that a talented and professional stylist should be able to give the person the style they wanted (within reason obviously) and do it the "way they wanted"; whereas, if they were able to actually locate a "trans-friendly" stylist - that person may or may not be capable of doing a quality job.  Look, I appreciate those people and businesses that are friendly towards anyone, not just LGBTQ people, but I also want to get what I need and hopefully good value for what I pay for and as such in a case like this I think finding a quality stylist would be the best course of action.  Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I'm naive, but that's my line of thinking.

Extrapolating this out a bit further, I know my ultimate goal is to simply fit into society as a *woman* - the fact that I'm a "trans-woman" versus a "cis-woman" is something that I'd like to not matter.  Now again that's quite possibly overly naive on my part, but that's how I'd like things to be.  The way I see it, if that's what *I* want from life then shouldn't I be willing to frequent any business out there - at least any business that's not out and out transphobic (that is a word isn't it? <G>)?  If I go out of my way to only give business to those retailers and service providers that have earned a "trans-friendly" label aren't I being at least a touch hypocritical?  Now if those businesses deserve my patronage based upon the services and value they provide then yes, the fact that they are "trans-friendly" would be a "tie-breaker" if everything else is equal or even reasonably close.  But to just out and out exclude regular businesses because they haven't earned a "trans-friendly" reputation - I simply feel that wouldn't make me any better than those people/businesses that aren't "trans-friendly".

Perhaps this will be an unpopular viewpoint, it wouldn't be the first time I've had one of those, but I really and truly do believe that far too many in the LGBTQ community - especially the "T" portion of that community - put far too much emphasis on this and perhaps they should take a look in the mirror and give some thought to whether or not they are doing what is really and truly right.

And just so I have a nice thumbnail for this post - here's a picture of me from the other day - I believe it was the day I went to the chiropractor (that was a complete waste of time, but that's another story for another day)...  Pardon the squinting, the sun was a killer that day.  I suppose I need to replace these silly photo-chromatic (I think that's the term) glasses with a pair of actual sunglasses.  That's what I get for trying to be lazy and not have to carry both regular glasses and prescription sunglasses.  Lesson learned...

- M

Father's Day No More....

I chose to transition in mid 2012, after Mother's/Father's day's had occurred.  When they came up last year, my daughter P chose to celebrate both for me - it wasn't a big deal as we had J/M on Mother's Day and M2 on Father's Day anyway, it wasn't like it was just about me either time.  

However, this year, P chose to celebrate only Mother's Day for me.  At first I wasn't sure how to take that since regardless of my chosen gender, I am still her biological father.  It's not that Father's Day was ever really important to me, I always felt she loved me each and every day - but that for a brief time I felt like she no longer saw me as her Father and I know she doesn't see me as her Mother.  

But as Father's Day has gotten closer, and now arrived, I've taken a different view of things.  It really has nothing to do with seeing me as a Father (or Mother), but rather her seeing me for who I want to be seen as.  She sees me as "Madison" and regardless of what day she chooses to celebrate me as a parent, that's the greatest gift she could ever give me.  

So for all of those out there that do celebrate Father's Day - I wish you a safe and happy day.  But for me, I'll be forever happy with Mother's Day... :)

- M

St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 7

What do you know, it's been yet another two months since I've written a post on this subject, once again, shame on me since this was the reason I started the blog.    

UPDATE:  Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts:  My Transgender Experiences.  Additionally, I've went back and added more links and made some updates to some of the individual entries below since over time some things have changed.

Services:

• St. Luke's Hospital Emergency Room (Chesterfield, Missouri) - I ended up in the St. Luke's emergency room on Thursday 6/5/14.  I detailed the reason in another post(s) here, so I won't delve back into that.  The initial contact when we got there was extremely nice and professional as she was busy.  The waiting room itself wasn't busy, but all of their rooms were full.  She got me right back and got my vitals and the bit of information that my Doctor's office hadn't already sent over.  She did put me into the computer as a "male" - now in her defense I had not put my wig on since we had left in a hurry, although I was dressed feminine and had my makeup on from earlier; but considering it was the ER after all I didn't let this bother me.  I did have to wait about 75 minutes to get seen, which to me wasn't a huge deal, but apparently did not amuse my Doctor as the condition was more serious than they apparently thought it was; but that was what it was.  The first nurse I saw was incredibly nice and polite as well - as soon as she found out I was on hormones (and for what) she immediately referred to me as a female and everyone else who I saw in the ER did as well and for that I was grateful.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't really a concern of mine at the time, but it was still appreciated.  Basically everyone else I saw in the ER was wonderful as well - although the "on call" Doctor was a bit brusque for lack of a better term, but I only saw him for a couple of minutes before my Doctor arrived - well not my Doctor, but rather her husband who works in the same office - he's the one who handled my care at the hospital itself.  All in all I was quite pleased with the experience, or at least as pleased as you can be in an ER.

• St. Luke's Hospital (Chesterfield, Missouri) - I did end up getting admitted to St. Luke's that same evening.  Initially they told me I'd end up in the cardiac unit as the primary concern was my heart; but I ended up in the kidney section (6700's if it matters).  Again, absolutely everyone here was wonderful from the various nurses and techs I saw (and I saw a lot of them), to the Kidney Specialist Doctor on the floor (Dr. Dayer), to the various people in other areas such as Ultrasound, and so on.  I had a lot of attention, especially the first 12-24 hours as I seemed to see somebody at least every hour and in many cases (much) more often than that.  The second 24 hours things had gotten better for me so I got a bit more peace, but they were still incredibly attentive and friendly.  I ended up in a double room as they were out of private rooms in that section, but they arranged for me to have it by myself (I believe that will cost me an extra $50/night, but it was worth it), so it was quiet in the room.  They made no issue as to how long my wife J wanted to stay with me or how early/late she came and went.  I really only have two issues and they are small ones at that.  The first is that the food is a bit rough.  The "menu" sounds really good, but most of the food was bland and/or simply not very good; the steak hoagie being an exception as it was reasonable.  The other was a comment that the last nurse I saw made.  She was taking my blood pressure about 7:30am the morning I got to leave and it was back up to semi-normal and J and I joked about it.  The nurse then made a statement that she heard I was using diuretics and that I shouldn't do that again.  That pi**ed me off as yes the medicines I was taking were diuretics (both one of the blood pressure medicines and the Spiro), but they were prescription medications given to me by Doctors and not simply me taking things "over the counter" to lose weight.  Perhaps it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did and I did let her know that it did.  But truthfully, even that was me simply nit-picking.  Their website boasts that they are a "Top 50 Hospital" and from what I saw I would agree with that.  Look, I'd rather not go back to a hospital (unless it's to finally get SRS/GRS), but if I do have to this is the one I'd want to be at, no questions asked.  One funny note, while I was down in the Ultrasound area on Friday, they have collages up of employee photos at various times through the years.  On the 2006 one, there is an employee in that area that I would literally swear is my identical twin (pre-transition at least).  I know there's a saying that everyone has a "twin somewhere", well I found mine - at least pre-Madison.

Restaurants:

• Ponderosa (Washington, Missouri) - M and I ate here just the other day and I was impressed.  Most of the ones in our area have closed, and the closest one that hasn't is a bit away so we don't often go, but I do really like their wings.  Well M and I were in Washington to shop with J and we decided to hit here for lunch.  I was a little apprehensive as we got there early and there was a bit of a crowd waiting for them to open and the crowd was a very older skewing male crowd - a crowd that didn't look like a demographic that would really "take to me" so to speak.  However, the food was good, the service was excellent, and we'd definitely go back if we were in the area again.  And so we'll have a "thumbnail" for this entry, here's the outfit I was wearing.  Not one of my better pictures, not really sure why..

• Sugarfire Smokehouse (O'Fallon, Missouri) - .I've been here twice recently, once with M for lunch and once with J for takeout.  The O'Fallon location has only been open a couple of weeks and is still really busy so we may not be back right away; but only because they are so busy.  The experience there was just fine and the food was very good.  It's "counter service" and they have very limited seating which is why J and I chose takeout.  I've gotten a double burger with only blue cheese both times and the first was the best burger I've ever had; the second was still good - perhaps it suffered from being brought home (about 10 minutes).  I don't care for their fries despite what the Riverfront Times readers seem to think and they don't carry Coke or Pepsi, but rather "SKI" - so I opted for lemonade the first time which I didn't care for (no drink the second time).  M and J both got different BBQ dishes and both loved them.  Now for me to say we want to go back despite the sides I've chosen not being very good, and not having Coke - well hopefully that tells you just how good I thought the food itself was.  It's not cheap - but no BBQ place really is, but the food was *that good*.
  
• *UPDATE* - Longhorn Steakhouse (Chesterfield, Missouri) - J and I stopped here for lunch on our way back from the Hospital as it was her birthday.  Now I wasn't in full Madison getup as I had left the wig at home when we went to the hospital.  However, our service this time was exceptional and the food was still incredibly good.  Now it wasn't very busy (strange for noon-ish on a Saturday), but still good service is good service and since the service last time wasn't stand-out - it was this time and for that we'd definitely bump this up on our list of choices.  
• Zaxby's (Columbia, Missouri) - J and I ate here on our last trip to Columbia for me to see Dr. Swenson.  The food was tremendous and everyone was polite and friendly.  Since it's counter service there wasn't much interaction, but I was pleased with what little there was.  My full Yelp review is HERE.

Retailers:

• Ulta (Washington, Missouri) - J, M and I went recently visited this location and were not disappointed.  Granted it was right at open and they were slow, but everyone was very helpful and friendly just as they are at the Chesterfield location we frequent.  We would definitely shop there in the future.
• Wal-Mart (Grindstone Parkway, Columbia, Missouri) - J and I did some shopping at this location the during the same trip to Columbia that I mentioned above.  It was later in the evening (8ish PM) and the store was reasonably busy.  There was some clutter where they were bringing out the pallets to stock, and while it's a bit earlier than I'm used to, it wasn't that far out of line.  I would mention the ladies room here as being perhaps the nicest and cleanest I've ever been in since I started doing this blog and definitely the nicest and cleanest one I've ever seen in a Wal-Mart.

It's late (well now early), so I think I'll wrap things up now.

- M

Was My Transition Worth It? The Night I Thought I Was Going To Die... - Part 2 (Sort Of)...

This is "part 2"of my recent trip to the Doctor/Emergency Room/Hospital - as I mentioned in the first post (HERE), I didn't intend on this becoming such a drawn out tale, but as I'm prone to do I've gotten awfully wordy and figured it was better split into pieces.  As I mentioned in that earlier post, I am home now, and feeling much better, but I wanted to share this experience.  For several reasons.  partially because it was very traumatic for me, and J and everyone else in the house (at least I assume); partially so that I could save the "memory" of what happened while it was fresh in my mind; and partially because I think there is a bit of a warning here to those that might chose to "self-medicate (DIY) hormones".  However, the single biggest reason is that as I've mentioned before, I feel there are certain "life altering" experiences for all of us in life and this one has definitely been one for me; similar in many ways to the one I had when J had to go out of town for her training last year as I've talked about in this blog before.  That all being said, let me pick up where I left off in the last post.

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After I got off the phone with J, M and I headed out.  Four days after things happened, I'm still shocked at M.  She's normally the kind of person who "freaks out" under stress, but she was the epitome of calm as this was going on.  In hindsight it was a real saving grace as I was on the verge of completely breaking down and I don't think I could have handled it had if she had been her "typical self".  It was about a 20-25 minute drive to the hospital and we got there a few minutes prior to 5pm and headed to the ER.  They were busy as a typical ER is I suppose.  True to her word, the NP had arranged for everything and I was already "in the system" so the check-in process was quick.  My blood pressure was still very low which was now a growing concern to me.  I believe it was about a hour before they took me back and I was growing a touch frustrated, but I managed to hide it pretty well as I didn't want to get M going as I felt it wouldn't help anything.  ER's are trained to prioritize and I'm sure from the looks of things I didn't look "high priority".

After about a hour, they did take me back with M.  By now I guess they had an idea of what was going on and suddenly things were a bit higher of a priority.  They hooked me up to a blood pressure machine, heart monitor, and so on and the nurse started getting pertinent details such as my symptoms, my medications and such.  For once I was prepared and had a list of them with me.  She went to do something and that's when things got really scary for me.  The blood pressure machine is one that takes readings every so often on it's own and I could see the display.  The readings were dropping bit by bit each time.  Well finally it got one that it really didn't like and started beeping.  Quietly at first, but progressively louder and louder.

This is the point that fear really and truly set it for me.  I've been afraid of things before, but never like this.  I honestly started wondering if I was going to literally have my heart just up and stop.  I had been on Google on the drive down and in the waiting room researching what high potassium levels could do and what "renal failure" meant since that was a term the NP had used on the phone with me earlier.  None of it sounded "good", but up until this moment I figured it was all something that would be "easily fixed"; but suddenly I was truly afraid that it wasn't and that I was honestly going to die.  I was doing everything I could do not to completely break down.  All I knew was that if it was my time then - well "it is what it is" and I could live with that.  But what I could simply not bear to live was that I had been "snippy" (to be kind) to J on phone and that could possibly be the last things I ever said to her.  And while I do consider M to be my sister and do care about her as such and was *eternally* grateful she was there with me, I didn't want to "move on" without J there.

I did my best to get some composure and simply told M that "I need you to get a hold of J and tell her I *need her* now."  Again, bless M's heart, she didn't question me or anything, she simply did as I asked.  As this was going on, I heard a call overhead referencing the room I was in so I assume the beeping of the machine had become a "concern", as two or three people suddenly appeared.  I don't remember all of what started going on, I know one of them was hurriedly connecting me to an EKG machine, another was fussing with the blood pressure machine among other things, and the third was asking me questions and such.  The ER Doctor appeared and started asking some of the same questions I had answered multiple times by now and I patiently answered them as best I could.  He disappeared about as quickly as he appeared and the original nurse reappeared with some liquid that she mixed up.  She told me it was something to give me a "bowel movement" and it would help pull some of the excess potassium from my system.  We discussed the "taste" of it and she assured me it wasn't as bad as "bowel prep" so I figured I could survive it.  That nurse was absolutely wonderful - the whole staff in the ER and hospital was for that matter.  It was the consistency of a shake I suppose and the nurse was right, it reminded me of molasses.

Shortly after that Dr. Usry appeared.  I personally didn't recognize him, but based upon his recognition of M I quickly figured out who he was.  Things seemed to calm down at this point as he knew who I was and was obviously "up to speed" on what was going on.  He spent some time with M and I explaining some things including what they planned on doing - including admitting me to the hospital, and how they planned on treating things.  He departed about the time a different woman showed up to get chest x-rays so the room had to be cleared.  As M headed for the hallway I could just hear her saying something that made it seem like J had made it which made me feel a bit better.

Once the x-rays were done, M and now J appeared and I did feel immensely better.  At this point M was going to head home as she had to work and with J there it was a touch crowded in the room.

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I've sat on this post for a couple of days now and I've decided to not finish it beyond what is above - at least not now.  The events that occurred - be them the ones I've written about already or the ones that were subsequent to the above - well I'll never forget them; but they aren't really relevant to the point I had.  That all being said, if anybody actually has the desire to know the "details" - send me an email/etc and I'll be more than happy to share them - for that matter I may revisit this later on; but for now I think what's been written will suffice...

That point actually being a couple of points:

1)  If you are going to self-medicate, PLEASE be careful.  This was NOT the case for me, and frankly despite the fact that the Spiro is a suspect in what happened, I'm not sure if it was or wasn't - there are enough other medications and things in play here that I doubt anyone could ever be sure.  However, the issues that did come up *could* be caused by Spiro and if someone does chose to DIY their HRT, something like this could happen and it could easily be life threatening.

2)  While looking back now I truly don't believe I was in as much "trouble" as it seemed *to me* at the time in the ER; it could have been fatal either then, or later on.  And while I did not feel "well" by any stretch, I definitely also did not feel bad enough to think the issue was life threatening - which I suppose it was.  So just because you don't necessarily feel "horrible" - it doesn't mean that you should ignore symptoms of something.  Definitely a lesson learned for me.

3)  The biggest point though was that I was in a position - albeit only for a short time - that I thought that the last words I would have said to the person I love the most in this world were not only NOT "I LOVE YOU", but were words that were simply not very nice.  I will NEVER put myself in that position again.  It's a horrible place to be - it really is....

- M

Was My Transition Worth It? The Night I Thought I Was Going To Die... - Part 1

As I sit here typing this, it's nearly 4am my time and I'm still in the hospital, where I've been for the last 36 hours and apparently will be for at least another 24-48 even if things go well.  As I've mentioned before I am on several medications outside of my HRT, including a couple for high blood pressure.  I've been on these medications far longer than the HRT with no issues.  I've lost 50+lbs, I've taken my A1C down to almost "normal" from what was a double digit value, I exercise now, and so on.  Long story short, I'm healthier than I've been in literally 25+ years.  I see my regular Doctor as well as the Doctor handling my HRT consistently, my blood work is done on a regular basis, and so on.

So what does all of the above have to do with this post?  Well, things started going "downhill" several days ago, almost a week.  I had been walking 5-10 miles per day, sometimes more, on occasion less, but averaging in the 5-10 mile range.  I had just seen my HRT Doctor a week or so prior and had my blood work done a week prior to that - and my blood work looked better than ever - I think I may have mentioned that fact in a prior entry.  Even my blood pressure was great, nearly at the "target" value (120/80).  Life was great.

I noticed that I was getting "dizzy" when I stood up, or even sometimes while walking.  I won't say it didn't concern me as it did, but it wasn't very often so I just chalked it up to "one of those things" and moved on.  But my "energy level" had dropped to almost zero, I was getting tired walking downstairs to get a drink for example, much less trying to actually go for a walk.  My appetite was pretty much gone and a lot of other small things were popping up that on their own might have been easily ignored, but together were really starting to concern me.

The "tipping point" so to speak came on this past Wednesday afternoon (6/4/14).  I had been out at a "show" of sorts demoing our software for lack of a better term, on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.  Without delving into a bunch of most non-relevant details, let me simply say that it was a horrible three days, and I'll jump to Wednesday afternoon.  The show's "expo" had wrapped up and I had broken all the equipment down and got it back to my car - just barely.  I felt like I had been steamrolled by a truck or something.  Driving home was difficult at best, and in hindsight I should NOT have done so.  Once I got home, well I considered my day to be "done" and literally crashed until J got home from work.  I hadn't eaten all day, so when M made dinner I tried to eat, but that only made things worse.  So before I went to bed I decided to try and get in to see my GP on Thursday as it was no longer a question as to "if" something was wrong, but rather "what" was wrong with me.  J helped me shave and such Wednesday night, but even that was a struggle.  On Thursday morning, M said she'd call my Doctor as I simply could not even drag myself out of bed.  I was able to get an appointment with my GP's Nurse Practitioner at 1pm.  It wasn't my "first choice", in fact I wasn't even aware that they had a NP at their office, I'm assuming she was new.  But I figured if something was serious that she'd at least consult with my GP if not simply go get her so I figured that was better than heading to "urgent care" or the ER.  M helped me get ready, but I was so sick I didn't even bother with a photo - once I finally get home I'll probably add one of my hospital room or something - but for now - don't have one...

My GP's office is closed for lunch from 12pm-1pm so there was only one other person waiting and he was seeing my GP herself so I got taken back right away.  My weight was down another 11-12lbs since I had been there 7 weeks prior which was great, but at the time I really didn't care.  The nurse took M and I - she had went with me since I didn't feel that I could drive myself and I was afraid that I wouldn't remember something that might get said - back to an exam room.  We went over symptoms and then she took my blood pressure.  It was exceptionally low for me (and in general I suppose) - something around 8x/5x.  The Nurse Practitioner (NP) came in and retook it and got a similar result.  We went over my medications and such and she went and spoke with my GP about my medications, which they altered a bit; but she was still concerned so she ordered some lab work and asked if I could go right then.  Since the lab is at the front of the medical building I told her I would.  I guess I should have picked up right then and there that things weren't "right", but I just thought it was typical "concern" so I didn't.  She also suggested getting a blood pressure device and to call her in 24 hours with an update (or sooner as need be).

We stopped by the lab and I was quickly "in and out", although I knew my appearance must not be as good as normal as the receptionist asked if the orders were "for me".  When we left, I knew M had to be hungry and I was too, so we agreed to run about 10 minutes away to get "Lion's Choice" (a local/regional roast beef chain) and to price the blood pressure meter at Walgreens, though we expected Wal-Mart to be cheaper anyway.  As we got to Lion's Choice, M ran in and I struggled not to get sick (a struggle that I lost).  We took our food home and she ate and I picked at mine while I returned a support call.  That call took about 45 minutes and by now it was after 4pm and technically I work until 5pm, but I had put in a lot of extra hours over the prior few days over that "demo" and wanted to lie down.  I had just laid down when the house phone rang, which is a semi-rare occurrence around here.

It was the NP and she told me that my labs were back (which hit me as strange since it had only been about 90 minutes since I had seen her - she must have put a rush on them).  Apparently my potassium had skyrocketed and some other values were horribly out of line as well.  She flat out told me that I "need to get to an emergency room now, and that I needed to either have somebody drive me or use an ambulance" - I was "not" to drive myself.  I normally probably would have argued this, but I felt so bad and she was so adamant sounding that I readily agreed and asked for a suggestion as to which hospital.  She suggested one that is a bit further away than I'd like, but it's one associated with the medical practice and she said my GP's husband (who M, M2, and P see) would be there and be the "admitting physician".  She again told me that I was *NOT* to drive myself which again I told her was fine and that I'd leave as soon as I could get M up to take me.

Since J was at work, I went and woke M up as calmly as I could.  Truth be told I was suddenly terrified and on the verge of tears.  I've been to the ER before both for myself and for others before and while it's never been an experience I looked forward to, well it also was not one that really "bothered me" either.  But now, all I could think about was what if something was happening to me?  I'm so wonderfully happy and in love with J - especially the last several months; I worry about M and P, and even M2 to an extent; the cats; the house; and so on.  Would they all survive if something happened to me?  I'm sure they could and would, but I'm so very happy with things right now the thought of losing all of that - especially the love that J and I have found - well it was just crushing me.

Bless M's heart, she got right up and threw on some clothes as I went back to do the same.  As much as I hate to go out without being fully "done up" these days, I quickly made a decision to eschew the wig and the skirt I had worn earlier and go with a pair of jeans and pretty much be "as-is".  I mean I still had makeup on from earlier, but it was "so so" at this point.  However, the NP had made it clear to me that this was an emergency situation and unlike how I might have done things 20, 10, or even a year ago, I made a practical decision and decided to go like that.  I texted J to let her know what was going on and she immediately called - which I expected.  I just wanted to get her off the phone - partially so I could leave, but mostly because I couldn't hold myself together and didn't want to freak her out any worse than I knew I already had.  She offered to leave work then and there, but reality is that she is 45 minutes away and I didn't have the time to wait for her and in the event that it wasn't really serious why do that to her?  I guess in reality we both knew it was, but she acquiesced to my wishes and let me go.  However, she called back about 60 seconds later and we debated her leaving work right then.  I got more than a little "short" with her over it.  This may seem trivial at the moment and to many/most it probably is, but to me it because a huge issue later on.  Truth be told after the fact, I wanted her there; but as I said above the reality was that she was 45 minutes from here and from what the NP said I really needed to go; but the real issue was that I was having real trouble keeping myself calm and collected and I knew if I stayed on the phone with J I was going to lose that battle.

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I did *NOT* intend for this piece to run so long, but I think it's time to split it into at least a second (and at this rate perhaps a third) post.  I do apologize for that, although I guess that anyone who reads these posts knows I'm prone to do that.  I am "home" now (it's Sunday 6/8/14, I got to come home on the afternoon of Saturday 6/7/14, about 12 hours after I started this particular post), so I'm safe and sound.  I'm going to try and get the rest of this written now while it's still fresh in my mind.  As always thanks for reading. :)

- M