Transitioning 101 - Shopping

Well, after a sort of "year in review" post last time, it's now back to this little "Transitioning 101" set of posts I've been working on.  Throughout this blog, "shopping" has been a common topic.  Sometimes it's been the actual topic of a given post or series of posts, other times it's been something that came up in the context of something else such as the post a couple of days ago that I made about makeup.  Just as with the makeup topic a few days ago, much of what I've written about shopping in this blog still holds true for me today.  That's not to say some things haven't changed, and I'll touch on those below, but just as with the makeup topic, shopping is something that seems to come up quite often in places such as the AskTransgender subreddit (and elsewhere), so here we are.

Now, as with all of the posts in this Transitioning 101 series, what I'm writing about are my own experiences and thoughts and what you might have experience or what you may think may well differ from me and that's fine.

• Obviously everyone is different, but among the most common "concerns" I see from those who are transitioning, or at least contemplating transitioning, in regards to shopping is "where to shop".  There are several thoughts on that, so I'll touch on some of them here:

• Online - Many people suggest shopping online and it does have both it's pros and cons.  The consensus seems to be that the biggest pro is that there is nobody scrutinizing your purchases; and the biggest con (especially with clothing) is that you can't "try it on" before ordering, and depending upon return policies of the retailer this can turn into a hassle if the item(s) don't fit.  I won't say I never order online, my foundation for example comes from Sephora and while I personally went in and had them match it up for me, when I need it now it's about 50/50 if I order it from their website or go get it - it really depends upon if I'm going to be near a Sephora when I need it.  For clothes, I'm more comfortable ordering tops than bottoms as I have a little more leeway with how a top will fit than say blue jeans, but even then I don't do it often.  So for me it's normally not worth it to order online, but some do it exclusively, and many somewhere in between.

• Thrift Stores - Around here the most common is GoodWill, though there are other "chains" and plenty of "Mom & Pop" thrift stores.  I'll be honest, I'm not as big of a fan of them as M is, she can spend hours upon hours going thrift store hopping; but on occasion I'll find something I like.  And quite a bit of the time it's something that is brand new.  In fact my favorite purse is a Guess model that came from the local GoodWill and I would not trade it for anything.  The other thing I like is that at least around here, their dressing rooms are gender neutral and unattended so I can try whatever I want on without any scrutiny.  These days that's not really a big deal to me, but early on it was.

• Specialty Retailers - I'm talking about places such as Victoria's Secret, Lane Bryant, Sephora, Payless, Ulta, etc.  For the most part I like hitting what I'd consider specialty retail stores, especially if I'm looking for something in particular, be that my foundation at Sephora, or a particular piece of clothing or shoes.  The obvious downside is that none of these places are going to be a "one stop shopping" experience which at times can be a downside.  Now, for me personally, I've never had a poor experience at any of these types of retailers, but I know some have.  I'll touch on my thoughts regarding this further down, but for now I will say that if you have a poor experience at a given retailer, don't let it sour you on them in general - there are plenty more that would love your business.

• Big Box Retailers - Here I'm talking about the obvious "Big Box" stores such as Wal-Mart and Target, but also places such as Ross and T.J. Maxx since they carry a wider variety of things than a typical specialty retailer generally would.  Frankly these are among my favorite places to shop - especially places such as Wal-Mart for several reasons.  Now, I know a lot of people don't care for the business practices of some of these places and in some cases I would probably agree (at least somewhat), but that's a different subject for a different day.  I'm focusing on the shopping experience and I think quite often these stores provide a good experience - though as with above there have been occurrences where this has not been the case and again I'll touch on that below.  So why do I like these places?  Well for one, many of them are in fact "one stop shopping" which I like, especially if I'm not looking for something overly specific.  Another reason I like them, is that especially with places like Wal-Mart, they often have plenty of larger clothing which for many of us who are doing the MtF transition is great.  Lastly, the way they staff their stores tends to lend itself to not being pestered by employees.  Now this last one can vary greatly depending upon several factors - especially the time of day that you are shopping, but I'll also touch on that in a minute.  There are other considerations such as return policies and for that matter pricing.  Now there are plenty of downsides, such as merchandise being scattered - though if the store is being ran well it should be zoned consistently making this less of an issue.  Quality can also be a bit hit or miss at times, I've got tops for example that I've paid less than $5 for that have lasted forever, and others that I've paid $15+ for that had issues after one washing.  Makeup can be a problem too, as quite often finding a tube of a particular lipstick that someone hasn't opened can be a challenge for example.  But all of that aside, for much of my day to day stuff, be it clothing or makeup, it often comes from these types of stores and I've yet to have a poor experience at any of these stores.

• Now that we've touched on places to shop, what about "when to shop"?  Obviously, if you are shopping online this isn't a concern, but what about the brick and mortar stores?  For the majority of retailers around here, hours are generally in the 9am-9pm range, give or take a hour or two.  Wal-Mart is generally an exception as many (most?) are either 24 hours or at least something like 6am to at least 10pm, if not midnight.  It seems that many people encourage shopping at off hours, or in the case of some place like Wal-Mart, overnight.  I understand their rationale for that, but based upon both my own shopping as well as the time I've spent working at some retailers, I'd offer a different viewpoint.  I'm not saying to go shopping when the stores are super busy such as a Saturday afternoon before a holiday; but I will say that I tend to prefer shopping when a store has a fair amount of activity for two reasons.  First off, the customer to employee ratio is higher so I feel I'm less likely to bothered by an overly helpful employee.  Secondly, since I tend to be a slow shopper, I find that when there are more customers around that I tend to draw less scrutiny for the amount of time I'm there.  Now on the flip side, there are more customers/employees around and that can make some people uncomfortable, including me at one point, but all things being equal I prefer to have a "larger crowd" to blend in with.  I'm not saying I don't shop off hours including overnights at places like Wal-Mart, but I prefer to go in at busier times when possible, especially if I'm by myself.

• That leads me to my next thought, and something that I've talked about more than once in this blog and that is "checking out" with your purchases.  My thoughts on this are strongly influenced by my time as a cashier and later a customer service manager at one of the big box stores.  Yes there are exceptions to what I'm about to say, but in reality there are exceptions to almost anything so take that for what it's worth.  I tend to see a huge amount of suggestions along the lines of "tell them...." where the balance of the sentence is something like "you lost a bet", "it's for your wife/daughter/SO/etc", "I'm dressing up for a party/Halloween/etc", and so on.  Frankly, the vast majority of cashiers, especially at bigger stores, could care less about what you are buying, right up until you give them a reason to which is what those kinds of excuses often do.  They're generally more worried about their next break/lunch, when they are getting off work, what happened earlier, etc.  As I said, generally they don't care in the first place and frankly it's none of their business even if they do; but when you start dropping phrases like the above then it makes the curious.  Do yourself a favor and try not to worry about what some random cashier might or might not think and be happy that you're about to leave with things that you want and hopefully make you happy.  And if you really are that concerned about your cashier, gravitate towards younger and faster cashiers, preferably female cashiers.  I saw younger because in general they are going to be more accepting, faster because they are less likely to pay attention to what you are buying, and female simply because they are more familiar with clothing and makeup and less likely to think twice about it.  I know that last bit probably sounds sexist/etc., and it's not meant to be, but I do believe that in general it's an accurate statement.  And a few words about another common suggestion and that's "self checkouts".  I'm not going to lie, I use them from time to time, especially if I only have a few items.  But if you are at a retailer who actually has somebody watching over them - and really all should - then they aren't as anonymous as many seem to think.  Generally there will be a "check stand" where they have a monitor(s) showing each and every item as it's rang up anyway.  Additionally, if the person watching the self-checkouts is doing a good job, they should be out supervising them visually which means as soon as you have a problem scanning an item, you may well have an overly helpful employee next to you.  And yes self-checkouts have gotten better over the years, but sometimes there are still issues.  Maybe it's a missing tag on clothing (though many pieces will have a UPC number on a tag somewhere that can be hand keyed), or a difficult to scan barcode on something small such as a lip liner or eye liner.  I'm not saying not to use them, rather I'm simply saying that they aren't always the best way to avoid interaction as many seem to think they are.

• Moving on to prices.  To the vast majority of us who are transitioning or have transitioned, finances are a concern.  One of the culture shocks I've had with shopping as a woman is how expensive things can get.  I think I've made it clear that I like Sephora for example, but I don't normally shop there except for my foundation simply due to the cost.  I'm not saying their merchandise isn't good, the things I have bought there have been without exception very good; but for me I simply can't justify dropping that kind of money on a consistent basis.  So the majority of my makeup tends to come from places like Wal-Mart, Ulta, etc.  The same can be said for clothing, for someone my size and age, Lane Bryant for example has some really nice things from time to time, but I tend to look elsewhere for the majority of my clothing simply due to price.  I'd rather get 5 tops that I like for $40-$50 from say Wal-Mart or D.E.B. (before they closed their stores) than one top that I loved for the same amount from some place like Lane Bryant or Dillard's.  Obviously others may disagree and that's their choice, but for me this is what works best.  I also tend to shop clearance racks/sales a lot.  Yes, the items may be last seasons merchandise or they may not be my favorite color(s), but getting something 75% (or more) off more than makes up for that to me.  And back to makeup, and I mentioned this in my makeup post itself, but as far as getting makeup for "practice" or even for daily wear, I like to hit places like Dollar Tree.  Again it may not be the shades I prefer, but considering the cost difference, I'm more than happy to make that trade off.  Yes, I splurge on occasion for that pair of shoes that I really love, a nice pair of jeans, or my foundation, but I tend to make those the exceptions.  I also pick things up at thrift stores from time to time.  At least around here, it's not uncommon to find a fair amount of brand new merchandise, tags intact.  Obviously that is very hit or miss, but it never hurts to look.

I think I've touched on most of the major things I wanted to, with one exception and that's when the unfortunate occurs and you have a poor experience with a retailer.  In a perfect world this would never happen, and thankfully for myself it really hasn't happened as far as shopping goes - though I have ran into it at a couple of restaurants.  For me, when it has happened, I've chosen to escalate my issue.  In one occurrence I did so after the fact, and in the other I did it then and there.  I had my reasons for each and my results varied; but I felt better about myself because I at least made an effort to point out what I felt was inappropriate treatment.  But even beyond that, the biggest thing you can do is to spend your money at businesses that treat you right; and when possible share the names of businesses that do treat you right.  Those are the types of businesses that should be encouraged and frankly that's a large part of the reason I started this blog in the first place.

I think I'll wrap this up now - as with anything in this blog, and especially this little "series", feel free to agree or disagree; these are my experiences and feelings on things - nothing more and nothing less.

- M

Two Hundred (Posts And Counting)....

I haven't abandoned my little "Transitioning 101" project - actually I have a couple of more posts already written and ready to post, but as this post is number 200 in the blog I thought it was a good time to sort of revisit my 100th post which as things would have it was written nearly a year ago (May 5th, 2014).  

Before I get into that, I thought I'd talk about this blog for a bit.  I don't really consider it much of a blog, but rather more of a journal/diary that just happens to be "public".  Some might say there isn't much of a difference, and perhaps they are right, but to me it's more of a mindset.  I tend to believe that the majority of the better blogs (and yes I know there are plenty of exceptions to this) - tend to focus on something specific rather than the random hodgepodge of things that ends up here.  My initial intentions were actually for this to be that way and focus on my experiences during transition, and while that is still a significant focus here, I tend to meander into lots of things these days and definitely have shared more personal material than I ever intended.

The reason I bring this up is that one of the earliest pieces of advice I got when I started to transition was to get plenty of photos over time and to keep some sort of diary/journal of things.  I didn't really take either of those seriously at the time.  Early on, I did get the occasional photo, but nothing consistent, and I definitely didn't write anything down.  Looking back now, I regret those two things more than a bit, and I definitely would suggest doing these two things to anyone who is transitioning.  Whether it's something that they would chose to share publicly or semi-publicly, or even if it was something that was kept personal and private, it is really nice to be able to look back on things, both good and bad.  I don't do it all that often, but every now and then I like to.  And the pictures - well for some/many/most of us who chose to transition we may not always see the changes that have occurred over time, or we may even start to take certain things for granted and those pictures can tell a story that we may not readily see on our own.  Just my thoughts, to each their own.

With that being said, I did want to sort of look back on that 100th post I mentioned above, especially since it was nearly a year ago to today.  So what I'm going to do is to copy pieces of what I wrote then and then comment on those pieces.  

I would hope that by now it's clear that both J and I feel that my transition was among the (if not the single ) best thing that could have possibly happened to us.  I'd like to think the same can be said of my relationships with my daughter P, and even my ex-wife/best friend M. 

I still believe the above comment, if anything even more than I did a year ago.  I really do believe it is the single best thing that happened to J and I's relationship; and in many ways my relationship with M and my daughter P.

That being said, while I feel my transition has went very well, it was by no means easy.  It was very hard for me at first to present as Madison.  I was concerned, no really the word should be worried, about what others would think when they saw me in public.  

I should clarify the above just a bit - further down in that entry I discussed that I wasn't really concerned about what people thought of me when it came to myself; but rather how J, M, etc., might react when they went out with me presenting as Madison in public and we drew attention because of my appearance.

That being said, I stand by this, it was hard for many reasons; but none more than this.  The mistake I made, is one that J often makes with me about certain things; and that is that I made an assumption.  I just assumed that J, M, etc., might have issues if people stared, etc.  The reality was that they weren't worried about that, and despite them telling me that I really didn't believe them.  Looking back now I should have taken them at their word and not worried about it.  I would have been a lot less nervous/worried, and definitely would have enjoyed my outings far more had if I had done so.

Now, the above photos are approximately 22 months apart, 40lbs apart, and 16 months of HRT apart.  But what really sets them apart for me is how much happier I feel I look in the current photo versus the one from my "first attempt" at going out in public as Madison. 

I won't bother including the photos - though they are in the original post if somebody really wants to see what I was talking about.  Unfortunately, the 40lbs apart is no longer reality - in fact I'm probably almost back to what I weighed at the beginning of my transition - and shame on me for that.  It's something I have to get back to working on ASAP.  The hair has also changed - longer and darker - the former on purpose, the latter because I couldn't get my existing color in that style.  Additionally I've went from a lace-front model to a monofilament model and I'm very happy with that choice.  The additional expense was well worth it.  No, it's not human hair - I just can't bring myself to spend that kind of money, but other than that it's been great to deal with.  I'd still like to go back to my prior color and if I can find a monofilament one that I like in that color I may well do that in the near future.  The hair in question is visible in my recent photos, but I did run across one I had never posted - I can't recall where I was going that day, but it's from a couple of months ago since I haven't gotten out that much lately.

The only other thing I really touched on in that post from a year ago was J's parents and that really hasn't changed much.  In fact I haven't seen them in the past year and in a lot of ways that's a shame, but I'm still just not overly comfortable around them.  Hopefully that will change at some point, but for now "it is what it is".

Beyond all that, life is reasonably good.  I have gotten more than a bit disgusted with some of the online Transgender communities, especially the AskTransgender subreddit over at Reddit.com, which is unfortunate as I did like to try and contribute to.  But I suppose the upside to that is that it's encouraged me to get more active here.  The one thing has changed for me relates to my comment about "not getting out that much" above.  I'm now far less concerned going out sans makeup/wig, even though my wardrobe no longer contains any male clothing.  Don't get me wrong, I still like to get "done up", but if we are running to the store, etc., "out of the blue" then I'm comfortable going out "as-is".  Sometimes, depending upon how I look, I still seem to blend in alright; other times I know I'm getting some strange looks; but I don't care and since J and M don't either, we don't let it bother us.  In some ways it's disappointing that I don't "feel as nice" because I'm not dressed up; but in other ways it's refreshing to just be able to pickup and go and not feel compelled to have to take the time to get dressed up and made up.  Though with summer approaching, I suppose I will start taking the time to get done up more often as it's now dress/skirt weather and I love that.

I guess I'll wrap up here, the next few posts will be a continuation of the Transition 101 series and then perhaps I'll get back to some of my other subjects such as recipes and/or whatever has my attention at the moment.  As always thanks for reading.

- M

Transitioning 101 - Makeup

Early on in this blog I wrote a short series of posts about makeup that worked well for me; and while some of that has changed over time, most of what is there still stands today.  That being said, the subject of makeup is a common one that I saw in the AskTransgender subreddit so I thought it would make a good topic for this series of posts.

Now, as with all of the posts in this Transitioning 101 series, what I'm writing about are my own experiences and thoughts and what you might have experience or what you may think may well differ from me and that's fine.

• For the most part I believe "less is more" when it comes to makeup.  I believe that there is a real art to applying makeup and making it look "natural" and for me it's been something that I've been learning over time.  Don't get me wrong, I do like to highlight something - be it with a nice lipstick, or maybe a bright eye shadow, but I try and focus on one area to emphasize and make everything else look natural.  I know there are plenty of people out there who don't agree and that's fine - and many of them look far better than I can ever hope to.  But I think for a great many women in general, but even more for Trans-Women trying to "blend in", a subtle touch when it came to makeup would be better.

• With that being said, one thing I try and keep in mind is that just because something looks good on someone else, it may not be for me.  The best example I have is red lipstick.  I just love red lipstick on a woman, I always have.  And for me, I think Taylor Swift wears it as well as anyone; but despite my proclivity to wear it around the house I seldom wear red lipstick outside of the house.  It just doesn't work as well for me as pinks and nudes do.  I wish it did, but it doesn't, so I'm judicious about when I go out with it on.  

• I believe that if your goal is to "blend in" then you really need to consider the time of day and where you are going when choosing what makeup (and not that it's part of the this topic, but the same can be said for clothes as well) you're going to wear.  If I run to the grocery store at 10am, I see very little makeup on, and for those that are wearing it, it's definitely a different look than I'd see out at dinner on a weekend evening.  Hey if you want to dress up and do your makeup for a night on the town to go grocery shopping, then by all means do so, but then don't be surprised if you get more attention than you might want.

• Perhaps the most important thing I can say here is that you shouldn't be afraid to go somewhere and ask for help with picking out makeup.  Places like M.A.C., Sephora, Ulta, etc., have all been very helpful for me.  They've helped match foundations to my skin tone for me, they've taken the time to show me how to properly apply certain things, helped me pick out shades of things that they thought would work well for me and so on.  And at all of the stores I mentioned, they've been very friendly and helpful.  I won't say it was easy for me to go into those places the first few times, but in hindsight I'm glad I did and the only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner.  And while those stores carry more expensive makeup, for things such as foundation it may well be worth the price (it has been for me, especially early on before the laser really started doing it's thing on my face).  And while I still use expensive foundation when I'm dressing up, I've also been able to take that expensive foundation with me to places like Wal-Mart and match it up to far cheaper stuff to wear around the house or for those quick outings where I'm not getting "all done up".  Not to mention that some places such as Ulta do have some cheaper makeup of their own as well.

• I personally believe that a nice set of brushes is important - they don't have to be expensive.  I've got a couple that were a little pricey, but most of mine are cheaper - I really like Eco-Tools for example and you can pick those up fairly cheaply at Wal-Mart these days.  Same goes for e.l.f.  Actually it's not really a "brush", but my favorite tool is a $3 e.l.f. mascara/shadow guard (This one) it really makes getting my mascara on a piece of cake - especially for the bottom lashes.  Now some people aren't brush fans and use their fingers and/or sponges for most of their makeup, and in some ways I admire the fact that they are that proficient.  But for me personally I find I do a better job with brushes.  And definitely make sure to keep your brushes clean.

• Practice, practice, practice.  I'll admit that I was easily frustrated early on.  Not only could I not make myself look like the people I saw in magazines or even on Youtube, but I couldn't even look as nice as J or M did.  I'm not saying I can today either, but it's a lot closer now than it was back then.  

• Speaking of practice, it doesn't have to be expensive.  Yes, when I'm "going out", I do tend to use nicer makeup, but for practicing around the house the majority of makeup I use for that is cheap stuff from places like Wal-Mart, or even places like Dollar Tree.  Yes, it may be shades that I wouldn't normally wear, but I'm not concerned about that (at least not for the most part), but rather my technique.  For things such as eyeliner for example, I'd much rather waste a $1 on it at Dollar Tree than $10, $20, or even more on an expensive eyeliner.  And back to the "shades" thing, I tend to wear a lot of nudes as that seems to work for me; but when I'm practicing I tend to use bright colors intentionally.  The reason I do so is that those bright colors make it far easier for me to see what I've done as they stand out against my skin tone.  I'm not saying this is something everyone needs to do; but it worked well for me.

• Speaking of eyeliner, that is one of my pet peeves.  I just love it, I really do.  But I get frustrated when I see someone asking about what makeup to get started with and a bunch of people naming off 4 or 5 things and eyeliner being one of them.  Maybe I'm in the minority, but for me doing eyeliner nicely has taken a lot of practice, often frustrating practice.  I believe that it's easier to start with things such as lipstick/gloss, eye shadow, or even mascara.  And I believe that for many Trans-women that foundation and/or concealer should be more of a priority early on as for most of us there is a beard shadow to contend with.  I'm not saying that eyeliner isn't something to learn to use, but I just don't see it as something to drop on someone new to makeup.

• And lastly, let me say this - and it's really part of the upcoming "Shopping" topic; but the reality is that virtually nobody cares if you are in a store browsing/purchasing makeup, or anything else for that matter.  Most of the stores are just grateful that you are in there spending money.  And if you happen to run across an employee who is less than helpful then by all means either escalate it or go elsewhere (or both).  But whatever you do, don't go in with excuses like "it's for my wife/daughter/whatever", "I lost a bet", etc.  All you are doing is drawing attention to yourself that you otherwise likely would not have.  This is especially true at stores like Wal-Mart - the cashier(s) in general could care less what you are buying - until you give them a reason to care which is what excuses like those do.  And if you are visiting a "makeup store" such as Ulta, etc., be honest with what you need/want - it's hard for them to truly be helpful if you aren't being forthcoming.  Yeah, telling a sales associate that I needed help getting a foundation that would match my skin tone *and* cover any beard shadow wasn't the highlight of my day the first time, but because I was honest with her, she was able to get me what I needed and even took the time to apply it for me and explain what she was doing each step of the way and why she was doing it.  That visit was worth it's weight in gold to me going forward.

I intentionally avoided specifics on makeup brands and such here as I've touched on those elsewhere in the blog and really that's something that is more individual; but there are some posts earlier in this blog where I did touch on things that worked for me if you're so inclined - I believe there were 5 of them, scattered from November 2013 through February 2014.  But regardless of that, I hope something here was helpful to at least one person.

- M

Transitioning 101 - The Legal System

Among the last couple of threads I got involved with on the AskTransgender subreddit had to do with the legal system.  Let me say up front, I am (obviously) not a lawyer and I'm not here to provide legal advice.  That's not the point of this post.  Rather I'm going to make some observations and share some thoughts regarding my interactions with the legal system when it came to my transition.  Everybody's transition is different and everyone's experiences with their legal system are different, these simply relate to how it went *for me*.  So with that being said, let's touch on a few questions I've ran across and my thoughts on those questions.

• What should I wear to court for my name change?
  
  My opinion on that is that you should wear something that you are comfortable with.  For those of us who are MtF that might be a dress or skirt/blouse, for others perhaps not.  What I will say is that you should dress "respectfully" for the court.  Some judges simply won't care what you are wearing, but there are plenty who do and in my mind I see no reason to potentially antagonize a judge.  So I'd recommend against things such as blue jeans, shorts, flip flops, etc.  Now if that's all you have, then that's all you have, but even in that case try and look as presentable as you can.  For me personally I chose to wear a dark skirt/blouse, dark hose, dark closed toed (conservative) heels, some light makeup, and light jewelry.  I wanted to present as if I were heading to work for the day and I felt that I did; plus I wanted to "dress up" a bit as it makes *me* feel good to do so.  Now because I was going to court for both a name and gender change I didn't end up with the typical family court judge.  I did peek into that courtroom since we were early and I would have probably been a bit overdressed had that been where I was headed; but I would have been fine with that as I'd rather be overdressed than be under-dressed.  The courtroom I ended up in only had the court personnel and several lawyers and I felt my outfit fit in with what the lawyers were wearing, including my own; though she had the courtroom cleared for my hearing so I guess it didn't matter.

• Do I need a lawyer for my name change?
  
  That's obviously going to depend greatly on where you are going to court, but the general consensus is probably not.  In fact, when I did my consultations for my name/gender change, I saw three lawyers and all three said that the process here was simple enough I could do it myself if I chose.  However, the fact that I was trying to more or less go around the state statue on gender marker changes I felt I needed one.  I won't say she was "cheap", but I felt she was worth every penny I paid her as she made the process incredibly easy for me.  But if I had only been doing a name change I likely would have done it myself.  The best thing I can say is that a great many lawyers do offer a free initial consultation and I'd recommend that it can't hurt to take advantage of that in your own jurisdiction.  At worst you are out some time and at best you can get an idea of if you really do need/want an attorney for the process.

• Can I get my gender marker changed on my birth certificate?
  
  Again that greatly depends upon where you were born.  Here in the United States the laws vary from state to state.  Some states the process is actually fairly easy, some states appear to not allow it at all, and some like my own have various requirements such as surgery.  However, even in those states, the statutes are often ambiguous and in some cases that means with the right approach the change can be ordered by the courts when it might appear otherwise.  In my case, my birth certificate wasn't overly important to me, but my license was, so that's why I pursued it.  The fact that I do now have an updated birth certificate is nice, but in reality how many people will ever see that?  My license being changed was what mattered to me and if I had been able to get it easily changed I likely would not have pursued the legal avenue I used.

• What if I can't get my birth certificate or drivers license gender marker changed?
  
  Unfortunately many people run into this.  I can't tell anyone what is best for them, but had if it had come to this for me I probably would have pursued getting my passport changed.  The Federal government has greatly simplified the process over the last few years and the reality of things is that a Passport is often a better identification that a drivers license anyway.  Now in my case I have not bothered to change mine since I was able to change my birth certificate and license, but it is on my list of things to get around to.

• Does my state/city/etc have Transgender protections?
  
  Some do, most don't.  But even for those that do, how good are they?  There are plenty of employment protections out there for various things, but in a great many cases these mean little.  If a company, or simply someone within the company, wants to get rid of an employee the reality is that it's generally very easy to do and very difficult to prove it was discriminatory.  I'm not saying it's impossible to prove that, but it's almost always an uphill battle.  

• My job is discriminating against me, should I sue?
  
  This ties in with the above question and is one of my main agitations with the AskTransgender subreddit - everybody wants to tell people to get a lawyer and sue for the slightest thing.  Again, I can't/won't tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do.  What I will say is the following, and again I am not a lawyer, though my father-in-law is and I've solicited his thoughts as well.  Long story short, proving discrimination for anything is often difficult at best, and when it comes to gender identity it's often virtually impossible to do.  I'm by no means saying it cannot be done, as it can.  But unless you literally have a "smoking gun", it's likely going to be a long and usually expensive process and the majority of the people I see asking this question are usually working entry level jobs and simply aren't going to have the resources for a protracted legal fight that they likely can't win.  Now perhaps they can find an attorney that will take the case either pro bono or on a contingency basis, or perhaps a group that specializes in this sort of thing; but even then chances of proving discrimination is still likely a very uphill battle.  And what happens if you do win?  Do you really want to work for a company that you feel discriminated against you?  Or if you end up with a financial gain (either via a win or a settlement) have you poisoned your future job prospects by doing so?  And are you prepared to have your life put on display in court?  Again, I'm not saying that anyone should or shouldn't pursue legal action, that's a decision that each individual needs to make, but you had better be sure that the potential benefit outweighs the risks of filing suit.  I personally believe that if you absolutely feel you can/should sue then by all means do so, but I'd exhaust every other avenue first.

I think with that, I'll wrap this one up.  Again, these are simply my experiences and/or opinions.  Your experiences will obviously vary and you may well agree or disagree with my opinions (especially on the last two points) and that's fine.  I'm by no means saying I'm right and/or anyone else is wrong, but this is how things have been for me and/or how I see things.

- M

Transitioning 101 - My Thoughts On Various Topics...

As I've mentioned here before, during the last 12-18 months I've spent a lot of time on Reddit; and of that time most of it has been on the AskTransgender subreddit (henceforth referred to as ATG).  I tend to stay out of the debates there, and instead try and focus on sharing my thoughts and experiences where I think they might be helpful.  I wouldn't call it dispensing advice as each and every person is different and as such each and every person's experiences are different.  But I do know that as I chose to transition I personally found it helpful to read about other people's experiences about various things, such as choosing a therapist, going to court for a name change, what to expect from HRT, and so on.  Since I feel I benefited greatly from reading about others experiences I've always felt that I should at least try and "pay things forward" by sharing my own.  Hopefully at least one person somewhere found at least one thing I've shared helpful.  That's also part of the reason I started this blog back when I did.  It's not the only reason, in some ways it's sort of an "online diary" for me, but in reality the main reason was to share my experiences for anyone who might want to read them.

So what's my point with this post?  Well, the drama over at ATG has picked up again - the second time in less than a year - and I'm really tired of it.  For those to who don't hang out there, the long and short of it is that apparently the moderators can't get along again and the two newer ones (of the four that there were) have both quit very publicly and what followed were diatribes and plenty of post/comment deletions to the point that things were spilling over into other subreddits.  Frankly it's a shame that it's occurring at all, but to happen for a second time in less than a year is really inexcusable in my mind and I've had enough.  So rather than continuing to wallow in the mess that is ATG I've decided to focus what time and effort I was spending there back on this blog.

With that being said, rather than spending time there commenting on certain posts/topics that may catch my eye, I'm going to start a little series here - Transitioning 101 - that will contain my thoughts and experiences on certain topics that were common questions on ATG.  While this little corner of cyberspace doesn't have anywhere near the reach that ATG does, there are a few advantages to this forum.  Among them are no space limitations, most people who run across this will be actively searching for things versus simply trolling, and as I'm the "moderator" here I've got all the leeway I need to write as I see fit.

As I said in the first paragraph, everyone is different and each of our experiences with anything are going to differ.  As such, these topics will be a very YMMV.  Just because something worked well for me (or didn't), or because I had a good (or bad) experience somewhere, well it doesn't mean that's how it will be for anyone reading these.  However, that aside, I do hope that at least one person will find at least one useful thing in this little series of articles and if so then that will have made it totally worthwhile for me.  And if nobody does, well that's too bad, but I'd still rather dedicate my time here than continue to hang out in the mess that is ATG these days.

In any case I've got the first couple of posts in the series already written, so at least I'll be a touch more active here than I've been the last couple of months.

- M

Why Do So Many Have Such A Large Sense Of Entitlement???

Most of what I write here tends to revolve around either personal experiences and/or in relation to transitioning; but this particular topic really is neither; but it's been gnawing at me for a while now.  Perhaps I'm showing my age, but I'm just wondering at what point it became vogue for so many people to have such a sense of entitlement.

A great example of this would be the current "controversy" over ESPN's "Bracket Challenge".  The rules clearly stated that an entrant must be 18 years of age to be eligible for the promotional prizes.  Well as things would be there is a 12 year old who apparently chose to enter and finished tied for first and now there is a fair amount of clamor that he should get the prize.  For starters, the rules clearly state that the "Grand Prize" goes to a "randomly selected winner from the top 1% of entries"; so the fact that he finished tied for first wouldn't guarantee him anything to start with other than some bragging rights.  But even if that were not the case I have an issue with those (including he and his family) that seem to believe that ESPN should award him the prize.  He plain and simple violated the rules.  Why should that behavior be rewarded?  And in reality it would appear that by him doing so, he's knocked someone who followed the rules out of the top 1% and cost them a chance at the grand prize.  Look, assuming the young man did make those picks on his own, then kudos to him for finishing tied for first.  But, it should stop there.

Another of my (not) favorite examples is "so and so makes more money than me, but they haven't been here as long".  Did any of the people saying things like this ever stop to think that perhaps the people they are referring to might have more qualifications or experience?  Or that they've simply done a better job and are deserving to make more?  Or even that they simply negotiated their starting wage better?  For that matter, have they bothered to speak to the powers that be regarding what they make?  In general, it seems that the answer to most/all of those questions is usually no - they simply believe that they should make as much or more because they've been there longer.  Yes there are jobs (often union jobs) where they would, and while I personally was brought up pro-union and understand what they have done and continue to try and do, I am a firm believer in paying for performance over longevity.  I could go on and on with this particular instance as I dealt with it quite a bit as a restaurant manager over the years, but that's probably better meant for it's own post at some point in the future.

I have plenty of other examples, but rather than going into them I thought I'd wrap up by tying this into the Transgender community.  For me, I want to be accepted as a "woman" - it shouldn't matter if I'm a cis-woman or a trans-woman - I am a *woman*.  In order to do that, *I* believe that I can't expect special treatment/favors because I am in fact a trans-woman.  But I see plenty of others trying to use the fact that they are trans-women/trans-men to their advantage.  I've seen some do it for college/grad school admissions, scholarships, internships, etc.  Now I'm not saying that there aren't legitimate reasons to point out that someone is a trans-woman/trans-man, there are, rather I'm talking about those that simply use it to try and "get ahead".  Look, if that's what they feel they need/want to do, then that's their decision and that's fine.  But for me, I don't believe in doing that, and while I won't judge anyone else for doing it, I also cannot condone it as many of these same people would be the first to complain when they don't get treated the same as a cis-woman/cis-man.  So if they want to use their status as a trans-woman/trans-man to their advantage that's fine, but then don't come crying when it doesn't work out in their favor.

I'm quite sure that there are those of you that will disagree - it happens with most of my "opinion" posts, and that's fine.  I'm always open for debate on anything, but for me personally I really do believe that as a whole the sense of entitlement - especially in the United States - has gotten completely out of hand and we are a worse country today because of it.

I could go on, but truthfully my mind is starting to wonder a bit, so I will cut this short now.  As far as a thumbnail goes, I'm going to go with a caricature that I had done a few weeks ago.  It was done by Marcus Sakoda who I ran across on Reddit.  He's very talented and I think he did a great job with the picture I gave him, which happens to be one of my favorite pictures of J and I.

-M

St. Louis Area TG Experiences - Part 10

I hadn't realized it, but I haven't posted one of these posts in nearly six months.  Part of the reason is that we are really "creatures of habit" and tend to visit the same retailers, restaurants, etc., but the reality is that the bigger reason is that anymore I really don't give much thought to how I'm treated when I'm out and about.  I simply "expect" to be treated well and the reality is that I almost always am.  I can't recall the last time I had a poor experience.  I'm not saying I haven't gotten referred to as "he"/"sir"/etc., I have a couple of times, but in each instance I/we had ran out at the last minute and I had went "as-is" without wig/makeup/etc, and in each occurrence it happened after I opened my mouth and spoke in a male voice (not intentionally, I just didn't think).  But even with all of that being said I have had a few (positive) experiences I thought I'd write about while they were still at least semi-fresh in my mind.  

UPDATE:  Since the "prior" posts links were getting a bit long, there is now a page with links to all of the posts:  My Transgender Experiences.

Restaurants:

• Longhorn Steakhouse (O'Fallon, Missouri) - I've been here a few times over the last few months, once with M, once with J, and once for lunch with both of them.  All three times the experience has been top notch.  Two of the three times I've been "done up", but even the one time I went in "as-is" I was treated wonderfully.  I'm not a steak person per se, so I tend to have a burger, but the food has been very good each time and the service top notch.  We don't go out for lunch all that often due to our schedules, but when we do, this Longhorn would be at the top of the list.
• Texas Roadhouse (O'Fallon, Missouri) - The last time I had been here was before my transition, so it had been a while.  No particular reason as the food/service had always been good, it just hadn't happened.  J and I hit there for an early dinner recently and the food/service was just how I remembered it and as with Longhorn, I could not have been treated better.  

Retailers:

• Sam's Club (Wentzville, Missouri) - M and I have had a Sam's Club membership since 1996.  However, I never, ever go, M always does.  Well lately there have been a couple of times where it would have been convenient for me to go by myself or with J and my card was my original one from 1996 with my old name and *really* old photo on it.  As it was both J and M were off one Tuesday evening so we decided to run over to Sam's and get this rectified.  I had hoped to be able to change my name in advance online, but while Sam's allows for secondary cards to be updated online they do not allow for the primary card to be done - at least I couldn't find a way to do it.  Not being sure what I might need, I grabbed my court order, my passport (since it had my old name/photo that matched my Sam's card), and my current license and we headed over.  Frankly I was shocked at how easy the process turned out to be.  Now there was a touch of confusion on the young lady's part who was helping me as she thought I was updating M's card - so once I clarified that no - I was in fact updating *my* card, all was good.  I think the whole process took maybe 5 minutes, if that, and a good portion of that was actually getting my photo done and the card printed.  All in all, it was a very painless experience - just how I'd like to think it should be.  And so I have a thumbnail for this post, here's a photo of J and I before we left the house.  Not one of my finer photos - it looks like I have a "pregnant pooch", but if that's the worst thing going on for me I guess that's alright. :)

• Costco (St. Peters, Missouri) - The same evening that J, M and I visited Sam's Club (as I discussed above), we decided to go to Costco and get a membership there.  Long term I doubt we need both a Sam's Club and a Costco membership, but we figured it wouldn't hurt to try it for a year and see which one works out better for us.  Since we were a "new" signup at Costco it took a bit longer than at Sam's, but the process went just as smooth.  The woman who helped us was polite and professional and a real pleasure to deal with.  The same could be said for our interactions with everyone else there as well.  I'm not sure how often we will shop there since it's a bit further from us than Sam's is, but I was definitely comfortable being there.

Well it's Monday morning and it's getting to be about time to start work, so I'll stop here.  As always thanks for reading.

- M

Life Is Boring These Days... And I'm Fine With That...

When I first considered transitioning it seemed like there were so many things to think about, much less do.  And when J and I decided it was the right thing for me/us, it seemed like there were even more things to think about and do.  But as time has went by, so many things have had their boxes checked off, and the vast majority of those that haven't - well those were deemed not necessary.  I was giving this some thought the last couple of days as I had a therapist visit scheduled a couple of weeks ago - I go visit about every three months or so to keep in touch - and for perhaps the first time ever I really didn't have anything specific to talk about.

That's not to say that everything is perfect, that's simply not a realistic expectation.  I still need to do a better job with my voice, we still have SRS as a goal (though it's not nearly as important to me as it once was), and my job isn't quite what I would hope for - though I'm still reasonably happy there.  Those things aside, I can say that for myself personally and for J and I as a couple, things are about as good as we could hope for.

Things that in the past might have been "concerns" for myself and/or J generally aren't anymore.  For example, when we decide to go somewhere, we simply "go".  We no longer ponder how I might (or might not) blend in.  We simply go and expect that we will simply be treated as any other women would be.  That's not to say we willfully put ourselves in harm's way - for example we've never really been the type of people to go bar-hopping for example, and we still don't.  But beyond that, we simply do the things we need/want to do without giving much, if any, thought to the fact that I am a Trans-Woman and may or may not "pass" (though I'm still not a fan of that word).  Don't get me wrong, I still love to "doll up"; but I'm just as likely to run to the store or out to eat with J with just some women's clothes and a bit of jewelry, but without much (if any) makeup or a wig on.  When I do that, sometimes I get gendered as a woman, sometimes I don't - but really either way it no longer matters - at least when I make the decision to go out "as is" versus getting "done up".

Other concerns such as HRT, facial hair, and so on; have mostly taken care of themselves.  The orchi removed the need to be on Spironolactone as well as reduced the amount of Estradiol I need to take, though it did basically guarantee that I'll have to be on some sort of estrogen the rest of my life.  Now at my last visit with Dr. Swenson (my HRT doctor) she did bring up putting me on some sort of progesterone, and after discussing my thoughts and preferences (I prefer pills to injections), she did put me on Medroxyprogesterone, but that's something I could drop at any point.  As far as the facial hair, I have virtually no dark hairs left; though I have a fair amount of white ones.  I've expounded on my thoughts/frustrations with that in other posts; but the bottom line is that I no longer have to worry about covering up "shadow" which has not only made makeup application simpler; but it does allow me to be comfortable going out "as is" like I mentioned above.

So what't the point of all of this?  Really I don't have one.  This was more of a post to document how I'm feeling at this point in my life and the reality is that I am feeling pretty good about things.  So with that I'll cut this short.  Below is a picture from the therapist visit I mentioned in the first paragraph.  It was sort of a "middle ground" day for me - I wouldn't say I was "dolled up" like I normally might have been; but I did have some makeup on along with one of my wigs.  I almost felt "soccer mom-ish" and thinking about things - I really think that was the target I was shooting for from the beginning.

Transitioning And "Crying Wolf"....

I haven't been here as often as I'd like lately for several reasons.  Among them would be that I've been busier with work lately - that's partially due to us getting ready to move the latest versions of our software out of beta and partially because of J's new schedule.  With her working nights I tend to do spend part of my evenings working to pass the time.

The other, and really bigger reason is that I've been trying to avoid Reddit somewhat, especially the Trans-related subreddits.  And I know it's not just me, I've observed plenty of fairly active and helpful people more or less disappear from there as well and a couple of those particular people that I am friends with have done so for the same reasons.  I'm not a huge fan of "over moderation", but it sure seems like some of those subreddits really are in dire need of more active moderators, but I digress.

That all being said, I do still visit there every so often, and I ran across a topic a few minutes ago that sort of struck a nerve and I thought I'd expound on it here.  Now as this was posted on the MtF subreddit I'm going to make the assumption that the OP was a Trans-woman and refer to her with the appropriate pronouns for the rest of this post; hopefully that's a fair assumption.  The gist of the post was a rant against Discover Card over getting her name changed with them.  She apparently was able to get her *full name* changed via a marriage license in lieu of a court order, which is something I'm not sure is normal in her state (Illinois) or if it slipped through the cracks; but regardless she did it.  Well Discover has apparently given her a bit of run around over them changing it as they require a court order for "legal name changes".

Now let me say a couple of things before I go on.  First off I have been through the process myself and they did require a copy of my court order (and my license for that matter); but truthfully the process was very easy.  I sent them a short note with copies of each and a week or two later I got a phone call saying it was done and asking if I did want new cards shipped out.  Frankly I thought that was a given, but I guess not everybody would and either way I appreciated the call.  Secondly, I have no love loss for Discover themselves.  When I went away to college (27 long years ago) my Mother had a Discover card and got me a "secondary" card in case there was an emergency.  I *never* used it, not once; nor did I ever sign anything, etc.  Well fast forward maybe 10 years and my first wife (M) and I are closing on our first house.  Now why this didn't come up earlier in the process I do not know, but my loan wasn't going to be approved because Discover had put a negative entry on my credit reports when my Mother filed bankruptcy a couple of years earlier.  My options at the time were to wire them the money (about $2k if I recall) so they would remove the entry (or whatever exactly it was that they did back then) or the loan would not have gone through - at least not with that lender.  Could I have fought it?  Definitely.  Would I have been successful?  Maybe, who knows.  But we would have very likely lost out on the house we wanted; so we did it.  Now over the years the grudge has faded enough that I do now have a Discover Card again (obviously since I said I've dealt with them over my name change); but I've never really forgiven them for that.  Although, it was in reality my Mother's doing I suppose.

So that being said, what sent me off?  The fact that this Trans-woman framed this as a "Trans issue" as well as a "discrimination issue"; and I firmly believe it is neither.  The rules are simply that a court order is required.  It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman, cis or trans, or anything else.  The requirement is easily accessible via their website and probably buried in the terms and conditions that have to be agreed to in order to use their card.  It's not like this is something that was made up on the fly, or is just applied to a random trans-woman.  I get that she's in a bit of a bind since her name was changed without a court order; and I understand she's upset over how they've supposedly dealt with her; but just because the rules in place don't work for her - well they don't make them a trans and/or discrimination issue.

So the fact that she was trying to frame this as such does really bother me; and from the comments I saw I obviously wasn't the only person who felt that way.  But it also made me think about how often I do see people try and frame things as either/both "trans issues" or "discrimination" when they really aren't; and the amount of disservice that this really does cause.  "Cry wolf" enough and people will quit listening and there are far too many legitimate cases of discrimination in general, much less discrimination against those of us who are part of the trans community to have these things marginalized by stuff like this.

I think as a whole, the trans community really needs to toss those phrases around a lot more carefully and perhaps before doing so, give the situation some objective thought before doing so.  And don't get me wrong, when there is a legitimate issue then by all means it should be brought forth.  I just don't feel this - or a lot of other things I see - are legitimate issues and I feel that's wrong.  Of course, as always that's simply my opinion.  But in this case, to me it's as simple as it's "Discover's ball" and if you don't like their rules, then go play somewhere else.  Now, I will say that I do think that the "right thing to do" would be for Discover to work with this woman; but regardless of if they chose to or not, I can't fault them for this policy.

- M

Happy Valentine's Day To My Sweetheart...

So why am I spending time writing here versus spending time with my sweetheart?  Well, as of last Sunday she's started an overnight rotation for the next six months and this is the first night of her first full rotation - she had two overnights, then her four nights off - which were great.  I'll get into her new schedule in a future post as there are plenty of pros/cons to it.  But since she's at work and I'm here I spent some time giving though to the last year together and how much she's meant to me.  She's always meant a lot to me, but each and every day she means more and this past year has been to me the best year we've had together, though I believe this coming year will be even better - as well each subsequent year.

But this past year will always be special to me, especially for the time we spent together exactly a year ago.  What was special about that?  Well, right about now exactly one year ago we were in a hotel in Novi, Michigan trying to sleep before my orchiectomy the next morning.  I won't go into the details since they are well documented in this post, but suffice it to say she was wonderful.  She took such great care of me, and it was truthfully the best few days I think we had ever had together.  The sacrifices she made for me for that trip/surgery, not to mention all of the other sacrifices she's made over the years - no matter how much I try and do for her I don't know that I can ever do as much for her as she has and continues to do for me.  Don't get me wrong, it's not like we "keep score" - in fact - we both probably wish the other never did anything nice for us - we both want to take care of each other.  But the fact that she does do those things - well it means the world to me.  

This year in comparison was a touch boring.  We went out to lunch on the 13th like we had last year, but instead of hitting a Valentine's Day special, we actually just had a quickie lunch at Longhorn since I was working.  We even dragged M along as we both feel a touch sorry for her at times as M2 doesn't really take her out much, and when he does it's always to places *he likes*.  M gets on my nerves (and J's) at times, but I do think we both agree that for the most part she means well and she gets the "short end of the stick" from M2 more than she should, but that's another story.  Since J needs to sleep during the day, I let her do that while I worked and then we went running to the grocery store late night to get some things for meals the next few days.  But despite the fact that it was "more boring" than last year and we weren't driving all over the country, it was a wonderful day and even into today.  J and I were able to nap together this afternoon, though I only sleep a couple hours at time for the most part so I was up early - but it is so nice to be able to curl up next to her and drift off into sleep.  We may not have gotten much done these last few days, but the time spent together was wonderful and it made me appreciate her all that more.

So sweetie, I know you read these entries, so let me once again tell you just how much I love you and how much you mean to me.  I've cherished the years we've had so far and I look excitedly forward to the years we have coming.  I love you. <3

- M