Two Hundred (Posts And Counting)....

I haven't abandoned my little "Transitioning 101" project - actually I have a couple of more posts already written and ready to post, but as this post is number 200 in the blog I thought it was a good time to sort of revisit my 100th post which as things would have it was written nearly a year ago (May 5th, 2014).  

Before I get into that, I thought I'd talk about this blog for a bit.  I don't really consider it much of a blog, but rather more of a journal/diary that just happens to be "public".  Some might say there isn't much of a difference, and perhaps they are right, but to me it's more of a mindset.  I tend to believe that the majority of the better blogs (and yes I know there are plenty of exceptions to this) - tend to focus on something specific rather than the random hodgepodge of things that ends up here.  My initial intentions were actually for this to be that way and focus on my experiences during transition, and while that is still a significant focus here, I tend to meander into lots of things these days and definitely have shared more personal material than I ever intended.

The reason I bring this up is that one of the earliest pieces of advice I got when I started to transition was to get plenty of photos over time and to keep some sort of diary/journal of things.  I didn't really take either of those seriously at the time.  Early on, I did get the occasional photo, but nothing consistent, and I definitely didn't write anything down.  Looking back now, I regret those two things more than a bit, and I definitely would suggest doing these two things to anyone who is transitioning.  Whether it's something that they would chose to share publicly or semi-publicly, or even if it was something that was kept personal and private, it is really nice to be able to look back on things, both good and bad.  I don't do it all that often, but every now and then I like to.  And the pictures - well for some/many/most of us who chose to transition we may not always see the changes that have occurred over time, or we may even start to take certain things for granted and those pictures can tell a story that we may not readily see on our own.  Just my thoughts, to each their own.

With that being said, I did want to sort of look back on that 100th post I mentioned above, especially since it was nearly a year ago to today.  So what I'm going to do is to copy pieces of what I wrote then and then comment on those pieces.  

I would hope that by now it's clear that both J and I feel that my transition was among the (if not the single ) best thing that could have possibly happened to us.  I'd like to think the same can be said of my relationships with my daughter P, and even my ex-wife/best friend M. 

I still believe the above comment, if anything even more than I did a year ago.  I really do believe it is the single best thing that happened to J and I's relationship; and in many ways my relationship with M and my daughter P.

That being said, while I feel my transition has went very well, it was by no means easy.  It was very hard for me at first to present as Madison.  I was concerned, no really the word should be worried, about what others would think when they saw me in public.  

I should clarify the above just a bit - further down in that entry I discussed that I wasn't really concerned about what people thought of me when it came to myself; but rather how J, M, etc., might react when they went out with me presenting as Madison in public and we drew attention because of my appearance.

That being said, I stand by this, it was hard for many reasons; but none more than this.  The mistake I made, is one that J often makes with me about certain things; and that is that I made an assumption.  I just assumed that J, M, etc., might have issues if people stared, etc.  The reality was that they weren't worried about that, and despite them telling me that I really didn't believe them.  Looking back now I should have taken them at their word and not worried about it.  I would have been a lot less nervous/worried, and definitely would have enjoyed my outings far more had if I had done so.

Now, the above photos are approximately 22 months apart, 40lbs apart, and 16 months of HRT apart.  But what really sets them apart for me is how much happier I feel I look in the current photo versus the one from my "first attempt" at going out in public as Madison. 

I won't bother including the photos - though they are in the original post if somebody really wants to see what I was talking about.  Unfortunately, the 40lbs apart is no longer reality - in fact I'm probably almost back to what I weighed at the beginning of my transition - and shame on me for that.  It's something I have to get back to working on ASAP.  The hair has also changed - longer and darker - the former on purpose, the latter because I couldn't get my existing color in that style.  Additionally I've went from a lace-front model to a monofilament model and I'm very happy with that choice.  The additional expense was well worth it.  No, it's not human hair - I just can't bring myself to spend that kind of money, but other than that it's been great to deal with.  I'd still like to go back to my prior color and if I can find a monofilament one that I like in that color I may well do that in the near future.  The hair in question is visible in my recent photos, but I did run across one I had never posted - I can't recall where I was going that day, but it's from a couple of months ago since I haven't gotten out that much lately.

The only other thing I really touched on in that post from a year ago was J's parents and that really hasn't changed much.  In fact I haven't seen them in the past year and in a lot of ways that's a shame, but I'm still just not overly comfortable around them.  Hopefully that will change at some point, but for now "it is what it is".

Beyond all that, life is reasonably good.  I have gotten more than a bit disgusted with some of the online Transgender communities, especially the AskTransgender subreddit over at Reddit.com, which is unfortunate as I did like to try and contribute to.  But I suppose the upside to that is that it's encouraged me to get more active here.  The one thing has changed for me relates to my comment about "not getting out that much" above.  I'm now far less concerned going out sans makeup/wig, even though my wardrobe no longer contains any male clothing.  Don't get me wrong, I still like to get "done up", but if we are running to the store, etc., "out of the blue" then I'm comfortable going out "as-is".  Sometimes, depending upon how I look, I still seem to blend in alright; other times I know I'm getting some strange looks; but I don't care and since J and M don't either, we don't let it bother us.  In some ways it's disappointing that I don't "feel as nice" because I'm not dressed up; but in other ways it's refreshing to just be able to pickup and go and not feel compelled to have to take the time to get dressed up and made up.  Though with summer approaching, I suppose I will start taking the time to get done up more often as it's now dress/skirt weather and I love that.

I guess I'll wrap up here, the next few posts will be a continuation of the Transition 101 series and then perhaps I'll get back to some of my other subjects such as recipes and/or whatever has my attention at the moment.  As always thanks for reading.

- M