For myself, especially early on, I didn't really worry about pronouns all that much. I knew my presentation wasn't great, and my voice even worse. Looking back on it 3+ years later it's probably even worse than I thought it was back then from an appearance perspective and while my voice is better these days it's still not great so I know it was bad back then. As such I more or less felt like the proverbial "man in a dress" quite a bit of the time, so I sort of expected to not hear things like she/her/ma'am/etc; and quite often I didn't even when presenting female. I'm not saying I got he/him/sir/etc, rather what I usually got back then was a complete lack of pronouns from people. That really didn't bother me all that much, though it was disappointing to for example go to a restaurant with J or M and hear them refer to us as "ladies" or have a server say something like "and for you ma'am?" and then when they'd hear my voice or get a better look at me drop all pronouns. But as I said, I more or less didn't expect much so for me it was of a disappointment in myself than anything. I had failed to "do enough to pass/blend" - be it my voice, my appearance, or whatever. I never really got upset at anyone other than myself (with one notable exception) because I never felt it was coming across as malicious.
That being said, I do vividly remember the first time I got referred to as "ma'am" and the person honestly meant it. I had left an appointment with my therapist and was feeling pretty good about myself. As it happened I was by myself which at the time was out of the ordinary, but J had to work and M had an appointment. I was hungry, so I went by a Lion's Choice (a regional roast beef chain, far superior to Arby's IMO) for lunch. For whatever reason my voice was reasonable that day and I suppose I looked fairly nice. If I had just gotten it from one person I might have blown it off, but both the person taking my order and the person who presented my order used ma'am and it didn't come across as the "just being polite" kind of ma'am I had gotten in the past. Now maybe I was just in an overly positive mood that day, but it really seemed like I had blended in and I was very happy about it.
Over time it's gotten better and better, to the point where it's only those rare occasions where I don't get a pronoun at all, and I honestly can only recall perhaps two times since I chose to transition where I've been presenting fully as female where I've gotten a male pronoun thrown my way. However, this leads me to one of my points for this post. I see a great many people who let it ruin their day if they get mis-gendered and while I understand that, I also think that perhaps there is a better way to look at it. If I don't get she/her/ma'am/etc from someone and I am presenting full on female, then rather than let it ruin my day, I try and evaluate *why* that happened. Did my voice slip? Is there an issue with my hair and/or makeup, or clothing? Were my mannerisms off? Something else? Sure in some instances it may have simply been a conscious choice on the person's part to use gender-neutral pronouns or simply none at all - I know in the past I've done that myself. But I feel that more often than not, it is because of something on my part and I want to figure out what that something is so I can correct it going forward. So rather than get upset and let it ruin my outing/day, I try and use it as sort of a teaching moment for myself. Now, if I feel it was maliciously done - which has only been the case perhaps twice in 3+ years, then yes I will say something to the appropriate people. But even in those couple of instances, I still was more interested in determining what I could do better or differently to have prevented that. I'm not saying that everyone can/should do what I do, but perhaps it is something to consider.
Another hot button is how to handle pronouns when talking about a person in their "pre-transition" days. The consensus seems to be to use the pronouns that are appropriate to the persons current gender presentation and I tend to agree with that for the most part. That being said, I do prefer when/if possible to find out how the person wishes to be referred to. So if for example Caitlyn Jenner preferred to have her Olympic experiences discussed using the name of "Bruce Jenner" and male pronouns because that's how she was presenting at the time, well then I'd want to honor her wishes. Now if for whatever reason it's not possible to find out how a person wishes to be referred to in their pre-transition days, then for me I'm going to err on the side of caution and use their current name and pronoun choices. The main reason *I* would do that is to avoid potentially outing someone. In the case of Ms. Jenner, I don't think it's really possible to "out" her, but for many who are/have transitioned, it is possible and it is not my place to do that.
Now with that being said, I do personally draw one major exception in regards to *myself*. And that is when people are discussing me in my pre-Madison days. As an example, I've talked about one of my Uncle's in this blog before that has been really supportive of me. When talking to me or about me in the present, he flawlessly uses Madison and female pronouns. However, when he starts talking about me in days past, such as when I was a ring bearer at his wedding, he tends to slip into using my old name and male pronouns. Again, I know for many people this would really bother them, and I fully understand that. But for me, while I'd prefer to hear "Madison" and "she/her/etc", I feel that his memories of those times are of me presenting as a male, going by the name he used in telling his story and as such I personally don't expect him to alter his memories on the fly. Would I be happier if he could/would? Of course. But I'm not going to hold it against him if he doesn't. I'm happy that he's supportive of me and I'm not about to make an issue over something like this. I'm not saying that my approach is necessarily right for anyone else, but it's what works for me.
It's late and I should wrap this up and get to bed. Looking back over what I've written, I almost feel that this post doesn't fit in with the rest of the ones in this little series, but what's done is done. So with that I bid everyone a good night.
- M
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