Electrolysis - Session 2...

Two weeks ago I had my first electrolysis appointment as I talked about HERE.  Looking back at what I wrote about that session, well I probably didn't do that session justice.  It was among the worst pain I've ever felt.  I cried during the session and pretty much the whole drive home.  It was physically painful and mentally stressful.  Part of that I brought on myself.  I chose to go in for that session without any Lidocaine - my Doctor had prescribed some for the laser on my pelvic region, but I hadn't used it for that since that really doesn't hurt much so I have two tubes sitting here.  I felt beforehand that I wanted to have a frame of reference as to what it felt like without taking anything - I had done the same with my first facial (and pelvic) laser sessions and survived those.  I also believe my face wasn't in great shape.  I had switched to a different CC cream a week prior to my session and in hindsight I think my face had a reaction to it.  I didn't think about that at the time, I just thought it was irritated from shaving a few days prior but when it happened again last week I came to the conclusion that perhaps I needed to find a different CC cream.

As I said in that first post, my second session was to be two weeks later (yesterday) as I had a facial laser scheduled last week and since that needs a clean face and the electrolysis needs some growth the only way I could have pulled that off was to either drive in there twice a few days apart which I didn't want to do as it's 40 minutes each way so with that and the session time it would necessitate a half day off of work twice in the same week.  *OR* I could have done both the same day (the electrolysis first) and I didn't think that was really feasible from a logistical or pain standpoint.  So I scheduled the second appointment for yesterday, late morning.  I had a previously scheduled therapist appointment for that morning.  I visit with my therapist every 3-4 months to keep in touch for the day when/if I pursue surgery and need a letter - plus I find the occasional visit to be good for me.

I had the therapist appointment set for 9am as I can normally get in there for that and be home by 10:30am or so and not have to take time off work (I skip lunch and work a touch late to offset the missed time).  Well in this case I simply decided to take the day off of work and set the Electrolysis appointment for later in the morning which happened to be 11:30am.  So I went to my therapist which did stress me out a bit as I had to go with a couple of days of facial hair so I wasn't dressed as I'd normally be.  That's one of the places I tend to "dress up" as I won't be "out of place" in heels and a dress for example, and considering I had the facial hair and didn't want to wear a wig because of that and the fact that the hair simply gets in way for these kinds of things I was in that awkward look of dressed like a girl, with more or less a man's face.  Not that I don't go out like that on occasion, but those times are fewer and fewer and to lose an outing where I'd be able to doll up a bit frustrated me, but the end justified the means to me so I sucked it up and went.

The therapist session was fine as always.  Really it's not so much of a session anymore, it's more of a chit-chat but I still find it helpful.  When I left there I realized that in my rush to leave the house I had forgotten to bring some plastic wrap to put over the cream so I had to run and get some of that.  By the time I had done that (and grabbed a late breakfast) and headed over to where the electrolysis was it was nearly 11am.  I quickly applied the cream and the plastic wrap and then spent 10 minutes handling a work issue despite being "on vacation".  I went ahead and sat in the car until about 20 after 11 and then took off the plastic wrap and headed in.  I stopped at a restroom and clean up my face and headed down to get started..

Once I arrived, my tech took me back almost immediately, I really do appreciate the fact that both times I've been there that she's been ready for me right on time.  We got started immediately and she noted that the laser had done a good job the prior week.  I then mentioned that she must have done a good job too as the laser on my upper lip last week was far more pleasant than normal so she had obviously wiped out a good chunk of what was previously there.  She spent a few minutes on my upper lip cleaning things up and then the balance of the session on my chin.  The only real issue I ran into was that a good portion of the dark hairs there had apparently been taken care of by the laser the prior week but hadn't come out yet.  So rather than potentially waste time on those she focused on the white hairs and we'd come back to the darker ones at my next appointment.

The pain this time was far more bearable.  I still had a few tears but it was more like eyes watering than crying this time and for good stretches I was able to be completely still as she worked rather than fidgeting so much.  I can't say it didn't hurt as it did at times, but it wasn't anything like the first session was.  Obviously 10 minutes on the upper lip versus 40+ made a difference, I'm sure the cream did too, and I'd guess my face not being irritated helped as well; but it was definitely something I could easily handle.  And just as with the first visit, she was incredibly nice and compassionate and again she seemed very efficient.  I easily made the whole hour and probably could have handled a second hour, perhaps in the future I might see about scheduling two hours, even if it's not consecutive; but that's a concern for another day.  I did elect to schedule my next session for next week, though later in the day so I can avoid taking time off work for it.  Hopefully it'll go as well as this one did.

-M

A Submissive Update - Part 1

The posts I've made about being submissive always seem to draw the most attention here (at least short of the orchiectomy ones) and I'm painfully overdue for an update.  I have been making a conscious effort to keep my posts to a single entry for a given subject; but this one will probably take three posts to cover.  I do apologize for that, but I really think it's better presented that way.  So this post will touch on the background to our current situation, the second one will touch on the logistics of how things have been the last couple of months, and the last one will touch on my thoughts on how things have been during this time.  Now if my occasional prattling on about the "D/s" portion of J and I's relationship isn't your cup of tea - well you'll probably want to skip this post along with the likely follow up posts I just mentioned.

The "submissive thing" has been very hit or miss - in reality more miss than anything - since my last post on the subject (was it really over a year ago?).  Much of it can be attributed to the same struggles that J and I have had in the past - she has a hard time being truly dominant, and I have a hard time being truly submissive.  As I've touched on in other posts, the reality is that we are both naturally submissive, though I believe she more than I.  I suppose that in a perfect world the two of us would be submissive to ideally the same dominant woman.  However, as well all know almost none of us reside in a perfect world so where does that leave us?

We, well more J than I, do still believe that what is best for us is for things to be as they are with her being dominant and me being submissive.  The reason I say that J buys into that more than I has nothing to do with me not agreeing with the concept, but rather it is simply because I know it's a challenge for her to be in the dominant role.  I will say that in theory should help contain my sometimes less than desirable personality traits.  I won't delve too far into those "personality traits", but I think the two that are the biggest issues are the fact that "I'm always right" and my "temper".

The "temper" thing - well I always describe it as a "shooting star".  By that I mean it burns hot and bright for a brief period and then just as quickly as it appeared it's gone.  The "always right" thing - well, for the most part it is actually true.  I honestly almost never argue unless I'm 100% certain that I am right.  However, one thing that I've learned during my transition - and yes I should have learned it long before that - is that sometimes even when you are right, you're actually wrong.  For someone who sees things in black and white versus shades of grey, that has been a hard thing to wrap my head around and while I've been trying it still rears it's ugly head every so often.

So where does that leave everything now?  Well, a few weeks ago a friend of ours (J2) - well she's actually a touch more than that when it comes to me, but that's a story for another time - made what seemed like a radical suggestion to me.  And that was to include M in the D/s dynamic.  My initial reaction to that wasn't overly positive as during our marriage and even post-marriage for a while, M and I tried the D/s thing and it never worked out well for various reasons.  Now let me first say that I take my share of responsibility for that; but a large portion fell onto M.  Some of that was her proclivity to focus solely on corporal punishment which is something that I personally don't care for all that much.  Don't get me wrong, when it serves a point I can understand and accept it - in fact sometimes I'm grateful for it.  But it was far too much of a focal point for her.  On top of that M quite possibly has the shortest attention span of anyone who has ever lived and as such she would focus on the D/s stuff here and there, but never consistently and that just has never worked for me.  Lastly, and perhaps most concerning was how this would work with J as over the years J has often seen M as "competition" in some ways.  I'm not saying I blame her, I would imagine sharing a home with your spouse's ex is probably more difficult than I can imagine; but from my perspective, M truly is a "sister" at this point and I never truly understood why J saw her as more than that.  Now over the years this has more or less become a non-issue and in many ways J and M have become pretty good friends; but I was still concerned that this could upset that dynamic.

Well the more the idea was kicked around, the more the idea appealed to me.  Mainly for two reasons.  The first being logistical.  J and M work more or less opposite hours and as such it had the potential to provide far more "supervision".  The second and larger reason is that I felt that involving M would motivate J to stay with this a bit better since she'd have some "support" so to speak and I felt she'd be more likely to be successful with that support.

That being said, I did still have some concerns.  Mainly how the dynamic of both J and M "being in charge" would work.  After all, in a lot of ways it would be like reporting to two supervisors directly and in those cases if there isn't plenty of communication between the supervisors things can go south quickly, and truthfully M and J aren't always the best at communicating with each other.  I also worried a bit about resentment on J's part as she is possessive.  Well that's probably not the best word for it, she's more "protective" of me than anything and this would require her to relinquish some of that in order for this to work.

So the first step was to take the idea to each of them, J of course being first.  She had a few of the same concerns as I had, but the longer she and I talked; as well as she and J2 talking, those were worked through and she concurred with me that the potential benefits would outweigh the potential issues.  So J and I decided to push forward with talking to M.  M had less concerns than either of us had, and different ones at that, but again after all of us talking we worked through them.  Now it was simply a matter of moving forward.

This is going to end up being lengthy so I've elected to chop it up into at least two, more likely three parts.  I've tried to avoid doing that lately, but I really think with this topic that it's the thing to do.

-M

A "Bathroom" Follow Up...

I recently did a Transitioning 101 piece on "bathrooms".  As I said in that piece, I originally had some personal experiences that I felt were relevant, but they quickly took over that topic and as I edited it for publication I decided that it would be best to remove those experiences and place them in their own piece - so here we go.

Early in my transition, when I was presenting as Madison (which wasn't all that often), I went out of my way to avoid using any bathroom other than a family restroom.  I simply wasn't very comfortable with my appearance when I was presenting as Madison.  It wasn't a cause of dysphoria for me as it may be for many; it was simply "the way it was" for me and I lived with it.  It did cause us to alter our outings a bit though as one of my blood pressure medicines at the time was a diuretic and I had to pee quite often.  So we either planned shorter outings, or we tried to ensure we would be by somewhere that had a family restroom (thankfully, the Wal-Marts around here all do, as do a few other places), or I simply presented male if necessary.

However, about three months in things became more of an issue for me as I purged all of my male clothes and went full-time as Madison.  Things became even worse that December (about 5-6 months in) when I started my HRT as that added Spironolactone to things which is also a diuretic.  At this point I still had not used a ladies room anywhere other than a few places where it was a single person restroom, and I still wasn't even really comfortable doing that.  Looking back I was probably being overly paranoid about things.  I did have a "carry letter" from my therapist (for what that might or might not have been worth), and I *was* presenting as Madison, but I just had this nagging worry that someone would make an issue of things and that all sorts of bad things might happen.

The turning point for me was when I was able to go to court and get my gender marker changed.  While I didn't immediately update my license for a couple of reasons, I did start carrying a copy of my court order with me and decided that I no longer had any real excuse to not use the ladies room when I needed to - at least when I was "done up" (more on that phrase later).  I can still remember the first time I actually used the ladies room anywhere.  It was a few weeks after I had gotten my court order (late 2013) and J, M, and myself went to get our eyebrows threaded and went to brunch at one of the local casinos.  I was nervous, but J was gracious enough to go with me.  In hindsight, while it was a "baby book" event for me, it was really uneventful.  Despite the "success" of this first visit, I still wasn't really comfortable using the women's room, so while over the next year or so I would do so, generally it was only if I was going with J or M (or both), or if I was fairly certain nobody else was in there.

This drug on for me for a great many months until mid to late 2014 (so about a year ago).  Things changed for me again around that point, and not just in regards to the bathroom.  I may or may not leave the house all "done up" (ie full makeup, wig, etc), but even for those times that I do go out without being "done up", in my mind I'm presenting "female" - no longer just "androgynous".  I no longer make any effort to minimize my feminine appearance, I wear whatever jewelry I see fit, I wear visible lipstick/gloss all the time (it's my guilty pleasure), and so on.  If it's hot or I'm in a real hurry I may opt to leave without a wig on, or really any makeup other than some lipstick.  But I no longer hesitate to use the ladies room regardless of how dressed up I might or might not be.  Yes, having my license have a "F" on it helped early on, but I no longer even really think about that.  I'm simply using the bathroom that I feel is appropriate and when/if someone makes an issue about it, well then I'll deal with it.  But as of yet nobody has and I really don't expect anyone to.

Now, due to my voice not being what it needs to be, I don't tend to hang around in there - I do my thing, wash my hands, check my hair/makeup, and move on - I don't turn it into social hour.  But even on those occurrences when I do have to speak, I simply do my best and move on.  I won't say that I don't still use the family restroom on occasion - such as at a movie theater when a movie has let out and a horde of young girls descends upon the ladies room - it's a rare occurrence for me to do so.

I'm not advocating how I did things as the best way or the right way, it's simply how it worked out for me.  I will say that I'm much more happy using the ladies room and I do wish I had been at least a touch bolder early on.

- M

Electrolysis Fun...

At my last laser appointment, I only had my lower area worked on and not my face.  We had agreed that I'd go in with a few days of facial hair growth to make a determination as to whether or not it was worth it to continue on my face.  Frankly I hadn't really had a good look at my face in a while as I hadn't went without shaving in a while and having several days of hair growth I do have some areas in my lip/chin and along the tops of my cheeks that she can probably still work on.  For the latter she's going to use smaller goggles on me so she can get to those areas.  However, she did suggest that I might want to go with some Electrolysis as well.

I had previously made that decision and thought I had a place lined up, but as things are my schedule became an issue and truthfully the place in question had pi**ed me off so I never made it there.  This time I got a referral from my laser tech to a place in the same building as they are that they speak highly of so last Friday I called for an appointment.  Unfortunately for me I didn't get around to calling until after they had closed for the day, but a very nice woman called me back early Saturday and we setup an appointment for this past Wednesday.

I arrived a bit early and got my paperwork filled out and was taken back a few minutes early.  It seems that anywhere I have an appointment these days is running late so being able to go back early was a nice change.  We had a brief consultation since I had done my research on the process and knew what I wanted.  The laser tech had suggested focusing on my lip/chin since those were the areas that would be the biggest impact at this point and I concurred.  Now I did make the decision to NOT have her only focus on dark hairs, but rather on all the hairs.  I have a fair amount of white hairs these days, I'm sure some of them were always there, but I do suspect that some of them are from where the laser didn't completely zap things, but either way they are there.  Now they aren't nearly as big a deal as the dark hairs, but I figured I'd be happier if everything was gone, so that's what I settled on.

She started on the right side of my lip area and the first few minutes was a piece of cake.  However, as she got closer to the center of my lip area, well my lack of pain tolerance kicked in.  I know a lot of people say it doesn't or they say it's like a rubber band snapping, well for them I'm happy.  For me the center area of my lip hurt - a lot.  I suspect it probably hurts less than the laser does; but the laser is only a few zaps across the whole lip and this was hair by hair and I had plenty and the cumulative affect of the zaps started to get to me.  She switched to the other side and started working in from there and while it wasn't as painful as the center that hurt somewhat.  I assume because I had been worn down by then.  As she got closer to the center from that side, I wasn't sure if I'd make it through the whole lip or not, but I managed to.  We did agree at that point that I had probably had enough for the day and broke off there.

Once we were finished we took care of the fee, which she adjusted down from the hour I was scheduled for.  Many places would not do that and I would not have been upset if she hadn't since they had blocked the time off for me, but I was appreciative that she did so.  We got my next appointment scheduled which is actually in two weeks since I do have a laser appointment next week and considering it takes my face a couple of days to recover from that I didn't think doing both the same week was a good idea.  Once that was done she gave me some ice for my lip and I was on my way.

I can't say enough about how nice and compassionate she was and she seemed very efficient, though I don't really have a frame of reference to compare her too on that. I'll probably have more to say after the second session as I will be using some numbing cream then and probably some OTC pain reliever beforehand.  I elected to not do either of those this time as I felt I needed to know how it felt - I did the same on my first laser session.  Plus as she pointed out the upper lip is generally the most sensitive area on the face and while I'm sure there will be some cleanup there from hairs that weren't active this week, I imagine the focus will be on my chin this time.  I know from the laser that the chin hurts, but not as much as the upper lip, so....

-M