The Truth....

Even though I don't really take part in the various Reddit Transgender subreddits these days I do still browse them on occasion and a thread did stand out this weekend because it hits fairly close to home for me.  The gist of the thread was about someone being honest when their Trans-woman friend asked about if she "passed" or not.  Apparently she doesn't pass, or at least doesn't as well as she thinks, yet this friend (and apparently others) tell her she does when she asks.  I've written on this particular subject before - it was a little over a year ago and was titled:  "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Both of those questions - "Do I pass/blend in?" and "Does this dress make me look fat?" are in a lot of ways unfair questions to ask friends and family as they often put those friends/family in an awkward position of deciding if they should be brutally honest, totally concerned about feelings, or somewhere in the middle.  Now, I'm not saying that the two questions are completely equal - personally I think the passing question carries far more ramifications for some/many/most people asking it, as while a dress not looking well may upset somebody at the moment, the passing question can be absolutely devastating for someone who is transitioning.  But that aside, I don't believe it changes the underlying quandary that it puts the person being asked in.

I discussed my personal feelings on this back in that aforementioned post, but to reiterate them here, I personally want to hear the truth and I'd rather hear it from a friend or family member than a stranger.  I'm sure there are some that would disagree and would rather simply have their confidence boosted; and that's fine, I'm just not one of those people.  Perhaps a honest critique can be helpful to me, but even if I can't change the thing(s) in that critique, at least I've been made aware of them by someone who's opinion I respect and who hopefully cares about my well being; rather than being embarrassed (or worse) in public.

But the impetus for this post isn't about whether or not the person from Reddit did or didn't pass, or for that matter if I do on any particular day or not.  It's about the truth in general.  I don't care what I'm asking about, I'd rather hear the truth - brutal or not - when I ask a question, than have a friend or even worse a family member, try and gloss over something or even worse out and out lie to try and spare my feelings.  I understand why they would think they were doing what is right, but I simply don't agree with it.  I believe that one of the key building blocks of a relationship, be it friend or family, is trust and doing something like this violates my trust in that person and in my mind damages the relationship.  I find it especially frustrating when I believe I've made it clear that I believe they aren't being completely honest about something and they continue to stand their ground.  At some point whatever they've been glossing over is eventually going to come out and the fact that they weren't totally honest about is going to come up and in my mind at least make things all that much worse.

The way I see it, whatever they were trying to "save my feelings from" - well it's highly likely that it's not something that is within either of our control.  Perhaps I/we/them can do something about it, perhaps not.  Perhaps it will upset me, perhaps not.  But what I can absolutely guarantee is that the fact that they weren't honest with me is that my feelings will be far more hurt by that than whatever it was they were trying to "spare me from".  I'm sure others may not feel that way, but is how *I* feel and for those close to me I believe I've made that feeling crystal clear.  So when a friend or family member makes the decision to spare my feelings at the expense of being truly honest it not only hurts; but it makes me question what other things this has occurred with and that's not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

Maybe I've let this topic get a little too personal and hit a nerve that it shouldn't have, but regardless of what I should or shouldn't have done, it has gotten a touch personal and has hit a bit of a nerve and that's upsetting.  Not for the particular subject in question, as I had long since suspected that things were how they are and while that does hurt a bit - "it is what it is".  Rather it hit a nerve because the person in question didn't have enough faith in me to handle the truth such as it is.  Frankly for me that has been hurtful and while I'll get over it because I care about the person, it's something that's going to bother me for a long time.

Sorry for the the vague passive agressive venting here, but sometimes a little venting here goes a long way towards me getting over something and hopefully this is one of those times.

- M