As I said above for me I tend to group these "recognitions" into two types - both of them are people that knew me "PM" (pre-Madison), the difference being that the first group consists of friends and family , and the second being non-friends/family such as a nail salon, restaurant, etc. While both of them do have an affect on me, the latter tends to bother me more for reasons I'll get to below.
So lets start with the first scenario and that's friends/family that knew me PM. As I've mentioned here many times before, the vast majority of friends that know about my transition have been very supportive and most seem to be genuinely happy for me. However, there is one "friend" - and I'll use the term loosely as we were never so much friends as much as co-workers. He was somebody that I did like - and those were few and far between at the job in question - and I believe honestly liked me. He got laid-off (company's term) - in reality he got shafted as he was in their opinion over paid for what he was doing after some business circumstances changed. Perhaps he was, perhaps he wasn't, but the way they handled him was flat out wrong. It was so wrong, and the powers that be knew it bothered me so much that they took it upon themselves to discuss it with me the day it was to happen - BEFORE they told him, although they kept me "occupied" while it went down so I couldn't say anything to him. I did take it hard and it did contribute to me eventually leaving the company. We stayed in touch loosely over the years, though it's been a while so I guess I should drop him a note to make sure he's still alive and kicking.
Well, he was the one "friend" who I shared my transition with that wasn't overly supportive. He just seemed to be unable to understand why I would do it - and I do understand that, in fact I expected that reaction from more people than I got and of all the people I did share with he would have been the one I most expected this reaction from. Actually he probably took it better than I expected. I did share some photos of myself with him around that time, and looking back they weren't very good photos. Like so many women, both cis and trans, I'm critical of my own appearance; but even being as objective as possible, those early photos simply *were not good*. He made a comment about them that some might have taken as hurtful; truthfully I can't recall the exact quote and I guess I don't have the email any longer, but it was something along the lines of he still saw me as "male". As I said, some might have taken that as hurtful, and I won't act like it made my day or anything, but after I thought about it for a bit I came to a realization.
That realization was that no matter how much I changed (or didn't), some people such as him would always see the old me, or at least some of the old me there. I really did give that some thought and I thought about my friend D and while she looks great and anyone reading this would probably not have any idea she had transitioned, in my mind I can still see her as she looked pre-transition. Now, me being a trans-woman as well, I try not to give thought to the fact that she has transitioned or to recall images of her pre-transition, but I can understand how not everyone may chose or even be able to do that. Perhaps in a perfect world it wouldn't be this way, but for me at least - and many others I suspect - it is reality and it is simply one more thing to deal with.
I do think that this scenario is a contributing factor to many people going stealth after their transition. I've seen so many transition timelines that I couldn't even begin to count and there are many who if I only saw the last image in the timeline I would never give any thought to those people being trans-women; but when seeing the whole timeline it does make it easier in many of those timelines to see the transition. By going stealth I think it makes it easier for them to no longer be seen as a trans-woman and simply be seen as just a woman. I know it's something I've struggled with when it comes to sharing pictures, be it here in this blog, on Facebook/Google+, Reddit, etc.
While this example was a "friend", I think for some (including me) that family can be even worse. In my case, my family saw me grow up from a baby into that 42 year old and that's a lot of history to be able to just up and forget. That doesn't mean that I didn't expect them to make the effort, and frankly for the most part I've been sorely disappointed. I was reminded of that fact just today. M and I went to get our eyebrows done - unfortunately J had to work - and on our way home we stopped by a QuikTrip for something to drink. M ran in to get our drinks and I sat in the car. As fate would have it, I looked up and out walks my father. We unknowingly had parked right next to him. He looked directly at me and I know he recognized me. He stared for a moment, sort of shook his head and proceeded to get in his car. He sat there for a bit, until M came walking out towards the car and when he saw that she was heading towards my car (she had been driving), he more or less tore out of the parking lot. When she got into the car she confirmed that he had recognized her in QT. As I've said before, I've had nothing to do with him since long before my transition, but I know for a fact that he's well aware of it and has avoided me at a couple of family functions I've attended. I obviously don't know what exactly was going through his mind, but from the way he acted it was as if he simply couldn't/wouldn't deal with the fact that I'm no longer <old name> and his son, but rather his daughter Madison.
It's funny, in an area the size of St. Louis, the odds of the two of us running into him are mind boggling, but his reaction was just about what I would have expected it to be. I really don't believe he'll ever see me, much less accept me, as Madison and for that reason he'll continue to not be a part of my life. I've long since made peace with that realization, but it still isn't a great feeling to be reminded of how things are when it comes to my family.
Well I've babbled quite a bit about friends/family, but I do want to touch on being recognized as the old me by non-friends/family. I was also reminded about this today when M and I went to get our eyebrows threaded. As is always the case, they recognized us right when we walked in the door. Now, you may be wondering why that's significant. Well I firmly believe it's because I personally stand out to them. We've been going there for a couple of years, since right before I started my transition. So when I first came in, I was going in presenting male and over time I started presenting as Madison. However, they've seen me all through my transition. As I said early on, regardless of what I look like now, looking back I definitely look better now than I did 2 years ago, a year ago, or even a few months ago. I really and truly believe that if I were to go in there today for the first time that they may well still read me as a trans-woman, but that I wouldn't necessarily stand out the way I do with them having seen me throughout my transition. Now that's simply speculation on my part, but that's truly what I believe. Sometimes when we go it's J, M, and I; sometimes it's J and I, and sometimes it's M and I like it was today; but I'm the only constant. Considering we only hit there every 2-3 months, I really have to believe that this is the reason.
I draw the same conclusion from where I go get my nails done. Now I haven't had them done in a long, long time (way too long); but I was going in there pre-transition and into my transition and while they didn't bat an eyelash even when I came in presenting male, they always recognized me then and into my transition. Again, I'd say the same things as above, I really do believe that if I were to visit there for the first time today as Madison that I simply would not stand out to them, but I do. I could cite other examples, but I think I've made my point here.
It's not necessarily a bad thing that it happens like this, since I do seem to stand out at certain places we are recognized as "regulars" and it seems like our service is often better because of it. However, all things being equal it would be nice to just be seen as any other woman and not the "girl who used to be a guy" which is how it seems sometimes.
So with that I'll wrap this up with a photo so there's a thumbnail on this post. It's not from today - I guess I'll use that one for my next post. This one is actually from a few weeks ago - for whatever reason I never used it here. It's my favorite skirt with a new-ish top. I wasn't sure that I really liked it when I bought it, but looking at the picture now, I do think I really like it.
- M
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