One major bump we have not gotten over is going certain places. Madison posted about this a while back. She worries about what the consequences are for others too much sometimes. My parents accept and love her as Madison, but Madison still worries about what the fall-out might be for them if she goes places with them. While I admire her concern for others, it bugs me a lot that she misses out on things or doesn't enjoy herself as much because of this concern.
Another issue is my mistakes in saying things. Sometimes out of the blue I will say he instead of her. When Madison first starting becoming Madison I was very careful with what I said. Once she picked the name Madison I made sure to say it as often as possible. I also made a point to say she and her as much as possible. Now I only see Madison as a woman so I don't have to think about saying she, but as I said, once in a while he comes out. It really pisses me off because I don't think about her as anything other than female. I know it shocks her and gets under her skin. Another thing I have done is made a joke (we tease each other a lot) about sex and how things have changed. It really bugged her one time when I did this. I felt terrible, but feeling sorry doesn't fix things. While I never want to hurt her, I also don't want to change how we have been, a fun loving, teasing couple. Still, it really bothers me that I do hurt her with what I say. I have never made a remark that was intentionally meant to hurt her about her transition, but these small missteps to me are just as bad.
Maintenance is another on-going concern. Madison needs help shaving her body hair, and I am happy to help, but it does take me a long time to do it right. I usually try to make it a nice experience by starting in the tub where I add bubble bath or bath salts. That helps soften some of the hair and I can work on her arms while we soak. Even with the bath it still takes a long time for me to help her with the areas she needs help with. She gets bored and frustrated with how long it takes, and that even though the HRT has helped some, and how quickly the hair grows back. This is an area I really wish I could help her more about. If she is going to go out in nice clothes she has to be freshly shaved. Skin can only take so much so, doing the shaving daily isn't a good idea or really possible with both our jobs. So most times we shave her once a week. Even that is really not enough and I feel bad about that. I also feel bad that she needs the help. She is becoming so independent with her hair, clothes, make-up and so on that this is one area she currently is reliant on me, and really considering some of the areas I help her with I don't see this changing.
The overall point is that a lot has had to change since Madison decided to become Madison. We both have had to change. Some changes have been easy, while others have been hard. While the above are ones I worry about the most are there are other ones that really make me into the husband.
I am not good at make-up and therefore I have to rely on M to help us. Sure I have watched, and I really need to do more watching and asking questions, but the reality is I will never be as good at make-up as M is and Madison potently can be. Its the same as her hair, and making outfits match, I will always struggle with these. I don't care that I don't have the talent, I care that I am not the best person to help her. Support comes in all forms, but making someone feel good about their appearance is so important. I am truly grateful that M is in our lives to help Madison, but at the same time she reminds me that I am more boy than girl when it comes to these things, and that is not helpful to Madison.
Another way I am really a husband and not a wife is that I don't wear heels or spend as much time caring how I look. I do wear make-up to work and I make a small effort, but it is not the same as the effort that I give when she and I go out. I want to look nice for her, but again I am not a make-up guru and so my overall turn-out isn't that great. In turn my not wearing heels causes concern with her height. It causes her to reconsider shoe choice and it makes picture taking a thought process. Honestly, she bought me a really cute pair of booties, but I am a pussy and feel they are really high. I just need to suck it up and wear them a few hours at a time around the house and get my confidence. Then I can justify getting an everyday pair of heels to wear on our shopping trips and then she can wear whatever she wants, that would only be fair.
Finally, the last overall concern that I am really the husband (I don't care that I am, I care about the actions) is that I forget things--important things. I suck, really suck at recalling dates. I can tell you about our first date in great detail, but I don't know what day it happened. I also have forgotten more than once how long we have been together. These things seem minor, but when you love someone who recalls all these and does nice things for each of them I feel really stupid. I also do notice when Madison makes extra effort to look and smell nice before I come home, but sometimes I don't say anything. Or I do things like not let her know right away when I am going to be late and I know she is cooking a special dinner of things I really like, that usually she does not like. I recall growing up that my dad was really good about bring my mom flowers every week, but he would forget the actual date of her birthday and the birthday's of my brother and I, which would piss my mom off. I also forget little details like the names of the perfumes she wears and the names of the songs that she likes. While all these things seem little, they all add up and cause a lot of disappointment. Madison is my whole world and when I hurt her feelings it just kills me. Now that she has become such a lady and one who reacts (I hate to say this) with almost stereotypical emotions, it hurts me even more when I upset her.
I know as people, no one is perfect, but I expect more of myself so I can be supportive. Madison took a huge risk to do this and making sure she feels comfortable and protected through the entire process and forever is very important to me. Seeing her happy makes my whole world brighter. Few people realize how this process really works, and how it works in a marriage or long-term relationship other than badly. A lot of marriages and relationships end over these changes. We did not want that and we have work really hard to prevent that. Changing roles, learning to be more aware when I speak, and make sure my wife feels pretty has been very good learning experiences for me. A husband protects, provides, comforts, and supports and this husband plans on doing that to the best of her ability for a long, long time.
- J
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