Some Of My Favorite Recipes - Part 1...

As I've mentioned before, since I've chosen to transition I have taken to doing most of the cooking.  I don't think one necessarily has to do with the other, that's just how it worked out.  The vast majority of what I cook comes from Pinterest - come pretty much "as-is", other recipes modified a little or in some cases a lot.  Below are some of the ones I've done recently, they all range from "very good" to "exceptional" - although tastes may vary.  I've included the original links, any modifications I've made, and some thoughts on each.

Crock Pot Pulled Pork

The original recipe that I got came from HERE.

I'll be honest, this one surprised me more than any other recipe I've made in a long time.  I'm not a real fan of pork in general, much less done in a crock pot; but this is an exceptional recipe.  The modifications I've made to the recipe are:

Recipe Modifications:

• In lieu of regular salt, I used a 50/50 mix of salt and seasoned salt.  I more or less do this with everything I make.
• I do use 3 onions halved under the pork instead of 1, as I'm using a large crock pot.
• I cook it closer to 12 hours.  

Thoughts:

The last bullet point is the biggest thing - the pork really seems to change around the 8 hour mark and while it's good then, I've found that by leaving it for 10-12 hours does make it better.  If you are pinched for time, 8 hours will be fine, but for us, the extra few hours is worth it.  J and M usually will put some BBQ sauce on theirs, but I personally eat mine as-is - it's that good.  We've eaten it several ways:

• As-is on the plate.
• On buns as sandwiches.
• On nachos.
• As taco and quesadilla filling.
• This last time I used it in lieu of chicken in the "White Chicken Enchilada" recipe.

Of all the things I've made the last couple of years this is quite possibly the best of the bunch.

Parmesan Crusted Pork Chops

The original recipe that I got came from HERE.

Again, as I've said above I'm not a fan of pork, but these are good.  Additionally, for a "Food Network" recipe, it was remarkably simple.  The modifications I've made to the recipe are:

Recipe Modifications:

• I usually use the thin boneless pork chops as everybody prefers those to the traditional "bone-in" chops - but I have used those at times and they work just as well.

Thoughts:

Not much to say here, recipe is very simple and fairly quick.  I ate a lot of pork chops as a child as I spent a lot of time at my Grandparents and they had them often.  I never really cared for them, but these have pretty much changed my mind.

Kentucky Biscuits

The original recipe that I got came from HERE.

Recipe Modifications:

No recipe modifications for this, although see the note below.

Thoughts:

As I said above, I did NOT modify the recipe itself.  However, what I do tend to do is to melt about a half stick of butter in the microwave.  I then stir in a little honey - I do a bit at a time until I get a nice consistency.  Once the bread is done and I remove it from the oven, I then pour the honey butter over the top of it and let it run down into the pan.  We've had these both with and without the honey butter and all three of us (J, M, and myself) all prefer it with the honey butter.

Chocolate Chip Lava Cookies

The original recipe that I got came form HERE.

J, M, and I went to Red Lobster a few weeks ago for their "Endless Shrimp".  M ended up ordering dessert and got their "Warm Chocolate Chip Lava Cookie".  Looking at it, I decided that it was something I could make and a quick search turned up the above recipe.

Recipe Modifications:

No recipe modifications for this, although see the note below.

Thoughts:

I did not modify this recipe itself, but instead of using a regular muffin pan and making 12, I used a large muffin pan and made 6 so that they would be closer in size to the one from Red Lobster.  I did make the mistake of not letting them cool enough before trying to remove them and a couple of them fell a part.  Next time I need to let them cool further and then warm them up before serving if desired.  But despite their appearance, they were exceptional.



With that I'll wrap this post up.  As I said above, tastes differ, but I would have no qualms recommending any of these recipes as they are all exceptional.  Since I don't have pictures of any of these items from when I've made them - I did but I lost them when the SD card in my phone corrupted - I'll close with a photo I ran across while we were doing the great phone swap around a couple of weeks ago.  It's from June of this year, we were out to lunch with M and I think it's a nice picture of J and I. :)

- M

Transitioning In Relation To Others...

I was sort of struggling for a topic for today, but as luck would have it I ended up in a thread on Reddit that struck a chord with me.  The gist of the thread was in regards to viewing other trans-women's "timelines" and in her words those made her feel "ugly and worthless".

This did resonate with me as I had struggled with the same thing early on in my transition.  I don't know that I struggled with it as much as this person did, but it was frustrating to me to see just how successful some people had been with their transition when it came to their appearance.  I knew going in that at my age - nearly 42 at the time - that I likely wouldn't see nearly as many changes from HRT as people who were younger than I was (in some cases half my age or less); but despite that it seemed like I wasn't seeing hardly any changes.  I would look at timelines of others and see just how pretty they looked and how they looked when they started and it would depress me as I felt I'd never pass much less look as nice as they did.

As some point, and I can't really pinpoint exactly when, things sort of changed for me.  I realized several things.  For one, the reality is that many of those people started from a better place than I did.  By that I mean maybe they had a more feminine face or nicer hair or any of a multitude of things that I didn't have.  Upon giving this some serious thought it dawned on me that instead of focusing on the end results of others, perhaps I should look more into the changes - the "delta" if you will.  If I were to play basketball with someone and spot them 10 points - they'd start out ahead 10-0.  If at the end of the game it was 21-11, well despite the fact that they would still be ahead of me, the reality is that we would have scored the same amount of points.  For that matter the score could be 21-15 and again they would still be ahead of me, but I would have outscored them 15-11.  In my case reality is that perhaps the score would end up say 21-8 or something, but being outscored 11-8 - well that wouldn't really be all that bad in my book.

The second thing I realized is that looking at these timelines carefully, in the vast majority of them it was apparent that over time that they had become more proficient with their makeup, their hair, their clothing may have become more flattering, and so on.  Those for the most part are all skills that can be acquired with the requisite effort and at the time I not only had not really had the time to become proficient, I also hadn't been giving it the effort that I should to try and achieve the results I really wanted.

Lastly, I realized that I should see these timelines as an inspiration; both from a perspective that others were going through the same things I was, but more because of just what kinds of things were possible.  Maybe I could/would attain as much progress as some of them, maybe I wouldn't, but despite how I felt about myself at the time there was no reason I couldn't make the same kind of effort and see what would happen.

Now 28+ months since I made the choice to transition I can look back at photos from early on versus now and see changes - changes that may or may not be more/better than others, but regardless of that, changes that make me happier with myself.  Yes I still have days where I'm not happy with my hair, makeup, etc., but even on a bad hair/makeup day I still feel I look far better than I did 2+ years ago.  But even if I didn't, I definitely feel I look happier.  I consider that a success and I attribute a portion of that success to all the wonderful people who have posted pictures of their progress.  Those pictures ended up inspiring me to work towards what I want.

So for the woman who felt "ugly and worthless" because of the progress others have made - you shouldn't.  Be happy for those women and what they have accomplished, but more importantly realize that their success in no way defines or diminishes you, I, or anyone else.  I'll never be as financially successful as Bill Gates or Warren Buffet, I'll never be as pretty as Jennifer Aniston or even Laverne Cox, I'll never be as athletic or as smart as many people, and so on.  But regardless of any of those facts, I'm happy with my transition, and more important I'm happy with my life and I hope you can find your happiness as well.

I'll close with two photos - the first one is from a week or two ago and the second is from my first time out as Madison.

I'm not overly ecstatic about the first picture as it was cold and as such I'm in jeans and I really prefer a skirt or dress, and I've put a good 10lbs on recently; but in reality those are what I feel are typical "female concerns".  I will say that compared to the picture on the right - I don't feel there is any comparison as to which is better (though I do miss that top on the right <G>).

So with that I'll wrap this up, have a great weekend. :)

- M

So Apparently "I'm The B*tch"....

I've sort of stewed on this for nearly a day now as sometimes I tend to write things when I'm still more emotional than I should be and I end up not being happy with what I wrote.  In this case, I've decided to go ahead and do so for two reasons.  The first being that the incident that is behind the topic was not an incident with J and I, but rather with me and someone else close to me (who shall remain nameless); and secondly being that while that incident is the basis for this post, the things behind the incident seem to happen to me - and I suspect many who may read this - far more often than they should.  With that out of the way...

I've talked once or twice before about the fact that J and I both are naturally very submissive and how that tends to get us sh*t on far more than we should and often by people who really shouldn't do so.  It doesn't make it right that it happens, but us being us - well we deal with it and move on.  At least most of the time we do, I'd finally had my fill of things coming from someone in particular yesterday and decided enough was enough.

I'm a firm believer in concepts such as "keeping your word", "you give what you give" and the "Golden Rule" - which for those that aren't familiar with that term is basically (paraphrased) "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you".  For me at least that doesn't mean that I truly expect reciprocity for anything nice I chose to do; but what I do expect is that when I'm nice to someone I don't expect to be sh*t on in return.  I think that's a reasonably good way to live and a fair expectation, but unfortunately far too many people didn't "get that memo".

In this person's case I do a *lot* for them, both just because as well as because they ask for this or that.  It is a person that in general I do like and that I do care about so I do those things because I chose to.  This person in general is a fairly decent person; although they are the kind of person who given a choice of doing the "right thing" or the thing that is "best for themselves" will often choose the latter and that is something I have a hard time dealing with as while I cannot sit here and say I never do what's "best for me", the overwhelming portion of the time I do in fact choose the "right thing".  And just to be clear I'm not really talking about things where the options are "the right thing that is also horrible for me" - that would be an easier things for me to deal with.  In case I'm not really clear, let me give a simple example:

This is the kind of person who would see a spill on the floor and could either "clean it up" or "ignore it" and they would most often choose the latter as they'd figure someone else would clean it up for them and they wouldn't have to do anything.  

Sounds trivial, doesn't it?  And in a vacuum it is, but consider the behavior when it applies to a vast majority of the interactions with this person.  And yes, before someone says it, I and/or J could choose to cut this person out of our lives and honestly at times that's been a consideration.  But despite the "body of work", I find it hard to do so as like I said above the incidents themselves are really mostly trivial taken by themselves and I do care about this person.

So yesterday I decided enough was enough.  I had done quite a few nice things for this person over the - well let's say about the last week.  I asked one incredibly small favor from this person.  Since they were going to be out and about and going to a particular store where I needed something - I asked them to pick it up for me.  I was clear on what I needed and gave them money in advance so they wouldn't have to "front me" - even though we were only talking about a couple dollars.  Well as it would be the person committed to taking care of it.  And yet, they "forgot" and didn't do it.  I might have been able to handle that on it's own, but instead of a simple "I'm sorry" or something, the person managed to try and blame it on me via some of the most creative logic I've ever heard.

I finally couldn't keep things inside any longer and let them have it pretty good.  There was some back and forth, but as is typical the person really didn't have any justifiable reasons for anything that I brought up.  Finally the best they could some up with was that I was a "b*tch".  I found that one amazing - I was a "b*tch" because I was finally tired of this person treating me like sh*t?  Really?

Well as I said I've thought about that for nearly a day now and you know what.  So be it.  If expecting to be treated at least reasonably decent makes me a "b*tch", well then I guess "I'm The B*tch" and I'm fine with that.  I will say that later on last night the person in question made an effort to smooth things over and me being me decided to accept what was meant as an apology; but despite that I will say that at least with this particular person - going forward the expectations are now different.  I don't expect them to suddenly become some different person, but I do expect some sort of effort and I will no longer just sit back and "take it" when they sh*t on me.  If they can't/won't make at least some effort then perhaps this person doesn't belong in my life and I hope it doesn't come to that, but I'd rather "be the B*tch" and take a stand over some of the sh*tty things people do to J and I, than to continue to be the doormats we so often end up being.

With that I think I'll wrap things up for now.

- M

Being Recognized As The "Old You"...

I can't speak for everyone, much less anyone, but one of the more frustrating things that I've had to deal with while transitioning is being recognized as the "old me".  For me at least there seem to be two distinct sets of circumstances where this happens and after having one of each of these occur again today I thought I'd vent about it a bit.  Perhaps "vent" is too strong a word, I'm not so much upset about it - I just thought I'd share some of my experiences and give my thoughts on the subject.

As I said above for me I tend to group these "recognitions" into two types - both of them are people that knew me "PM" (pre-Madison), the difference being that the first group consists of friends and family , and the second being non-friends/family such as a nail salon, restaurant, etc.  While both of them do have an affect on me, the latter tends to bother me more for reasons I'll get to below.

So lets start with the first scenario and that's friends/family that knew me PM.  As I've mentioned here many times before, the vast majority of friends that know about my transition have been very supportive and most seem to be genuinely happy for me.  However, there is one "friend" - and I'll use the term loosely as we were never so much friends as much as co-workers.  He was somebody that I did like - and those were few and far between at the job in question - and I believe honestly liked me.  He got laid-off (company's term) - in reality he got shafted as he was in their opinion over paid for what he was doing after some business circumstances changed.  Perhaps he was, perhaps he wasn't, but the way they handled him was flat out wrong.  It was so wrong, and the powers that be knew it bothered me so much that they took it upon themselves to discuss it with me the day it was to happen - BEFORE they told him, although they kept me "occupied" while it went down so I couldn't say anything to him.  I did take it hard and it did contribute to me eventually leaving the company.  We stayed in touch loosely over the years, though it's been a while so I guess I should drop him a note to make sure he's still alive and kicking.

Well, he was the one "friend" who I shared my transition with that wasn't overly supportive.  He just seemed to be unable to understand why I would do it - and I do understand that, in fact I expected that reaction from more people than I got and of all the people I did share with he would have been the one I most expected this reaction from.  Actually he probably took it better than I expected.  I did share some photos of myself with him around that time, and looking back they weren't very good photos.  Like so many women, both cis and trans, I'm critical of my own appearance; but even being as objective as possible, those early photos simply *were not good*.  He made a comment about them that some might have taken as hurtful; truthfully I can't recall the exact quote and I guess I don't have the email any longer, but it was something along the lines of he still saw me as "male".  As I said, some might have taken that as hurtful, and I won't act like it made my day or anything, but after I thought about it for a bit I came to a realization.

That realization was that no matter how much I changed (or didn't), some people such as him would always see the old me, or at least some of the old me there.  I really did give that some thought and I thought about my friend D and while she looks great and anyone reading this would probably not have any idea she had transitioned, in my mind I can still see her as she looked pre-transition.  Now, me being a trans-woman as well, I try not to give thought to the fact that she has transitioned or to recall images of her pre-transition, but I can understand how not everyone may chose or even be able to do that.  Perhaps in a perfect world it wouldn't be this way, but for me at least - and many others I suspect - it is reality and it is simply one more thing to deal with.

I do think that this scenario is a contributing factor to many people going stealth after their transition.  I've seen so many transition timelines that I couldn't even begin to count and there are many who if I only saw the last image in the timeline I would never give any thought to those people being trans-women; but when seeing the whole timeline it does make it easier in many of those timelines to see the transition.  By going stealth I think it makes it easier for them to no longer be seen as a trans-woman and simply be seen as just a woman.  I know it's something I've struggled with when it comes to sharing pictures, be it here in this blog, on Facebook/Google+, Reddit, etc.

While this example was a "friend", I think for some (including me) that family can be even worse.  In my case, my family saw me grow up from a baby into that 42 year old and that's a lot of history to be able to just up and forget.  That doesn't mean that I didn't expect them to make the effort, and frankly for the most part I've been sorely disappointed.  I was reminded of that fact just today.  M and I went to get our eyebrows done - unfortunately J had to work - and on our way home we stopped by a QuikTrip for something to drink.  M ran in to get our drinks and I sat in the car.  As fate would have it, I looked up and out walks my father.  We unknowingly had parked right next to him.  He looked directly at me and I know he recognized me.  He stared for a moment, sort of shook his head and proceeded to get in his car.  He sat there for a bit, until M came walking out towards the car and when he saw that she was heading towards my car (she had been driving), he more or less tore out of the parking lot.  When she got into the car she confirmed that he had recognized her in QT.  As I've said before, I've had nothing to do with him since long before my transition, but I know for a fact that he's well aware of it and has avoided me at a couple of family functions I've attended.  I obviously don't know what exactly was going through his mind, but from the way he acted it was as if he simply couldn't/wouldn't deal with the fact that I'm no longer <old name> and his son, but rather his daughter Madison.

It's funny, in an area the size of St. Louis, the odds of the two of us running into him are mind boggling, but his reaction was just about what I would have expected it to be.  I really don't believe he'll ever see me, much less accept me, as Madison and for that reason he'll continue to not be a part of my life.  I've long since made peace with that realization, but it still isn't a great feeling to be reminded of how things are when it comes to my family.

Well I've babbled quite a bit about friends/family, but I do want to touch on being recognized as the old me by non-friends/family.  I was also reminded about this today when M and I went to get our eyebrows threaded.  As is always the case, they recognized us right when we walked in the door.  Now, you may be wondering why that's significant.  Well I firmly believe it's because I personally stand out to them.  We've been going there for a couple of years, since right before I started my transition.  So when I first came in, I was going in presenting male and over time I started presenting as Madison.  However, they've seen me all through my transition.  As I said early on, regardless of what I look like now, looking back I definitely look better now than I did 2 years ago, a year ago, or even a few months ago.  I really and truly believe that if I were to go in there today for the first time that they may well still read me as a trans-woman, but that I wouldn't necessarily stand out the way I do with them having seen me throughout my transition.  Now that's simply speculation on my part, but that's truly what I believe.  Sometimes when we go it's J, M, and I; sometimes it's J and I, and sometimes it's M and I like it was today; but I'm the only constant.  Considering we only hit there every 2-3 months, I really have to believe that this is the reason.

I draw the same conclusion from where I go get my nails done.  Now I haven't had them done in a long, long time (way too long); but I was going in there pre-transition and into my transition and while they didn't bat an eyelash even when I came in presenting male, they always recognized me then and into my transition.  Again, I'd say the same things as above, I really do believe that if I were to visit there for the first time today as Madison that I simply would not stand out to them, but I do.  I could cite other examples, but I think I've made my point here.

It's not necessarily a bad thing that it happens like this, since I do seem to stand out at certain places we are recognized as "regulars" and it seems like our service is often better because of it.  However, all things being equal it would be nice to just be seen as any other woman and not the "girl who used to be a guy" which is how it seems sometimes.

So with that I'll wrap this up with a photo so there's a thumbnail on this post.  It's not from today - I guess I'll use that one for my next post.  This one is actually from a few weeks ago - for whatever reason I never used it here.  It's my favorite skirt with a new-ish top.  I wasn't sure that I really liked it when I bought it, but looking at the picture now, I do think I really like it.

- M

My Gender Marker Change, A Year Later...

Well, a year ago today the court granted my legal gender marker change.  I actually went to court on October 4th, 2013 and my name change was granted that day; but there was a 30 day hold on the gender marker change.  At the time it was a big deal to me as this state technically requires surgery in order to obtain an updated gender marker so I wasn't sure if I would actually be successful in court or not as I was pre-op.  Now let me say that I do know a few people who have managed to get their licenses updated pre-op in this state, but that is hit or miss and as such I had not tried because of that.  I suppose going to court was also hit or miss, but I had some help from a nice woman who had done it before me as well as a nice lawyer who made it very simple.

At first I was actually almost ecstatic - I suppose I felt somehow validated that I was "legally" considered "female" even as far as my birth certificate went.  Looking back I guess it's kind of silly to have felt that way as does it really matter all that much what that little piece of paper known as a birth certificate said?  In reality probably not, but at the time it was important to me.  I did start changing my name (and gender marker where relevant) over time - although there are still a few things I haven't updated for one reason or another.  I will say that one thing that it did really make a difference for me was my license.  As I said above - perhaps I could have gotten it changed anyway, but that would have depended upon the kindness of someone at the DMV - so to be able to have a court order in hand made it a fairly painless process.  But back to the license - getting it changed allowed me to start feeling comfortable using the ladies room.

As the title says, I'm now looking back on this a year later and thinking about what has/hasn't changed because of trip through the courts.  I will say from a positive perspective I am now completely comfortable using the ladies room.  Not that I've had any issue(s), but if someone where to make one I am legally female and I would like to believe that this simple fact would preclude any issues.  But what about beyond that?

Well in reality, while there have been plenty of changes for J and I both individually and together; really almost none of them relate to the gender marker change.  Yes I'm now on her insurance as a "Female", the same can be said for my Doctor's offices, but the reality is that those changes don't mean much of anything other than to make me feel good.  Otherwise, beyond some cashier wanting to see my license, I don't know that it really mattered all that much in the grand scheme of things.  The truth is that the court order, the birth certificate, or even my license are just pieces of paper and they don't really and truly mean much to me.  They could say I was a Vulcan for all it matter, I know who and what I am and I know how J and the others who care about me see me and really *that* is all that matters.

So in hindsight, I guess it was still worth it - if for nothing else because it has made using the "right" bathroom much more comfortable for me; but beyond that I'm not sure if I could go back a year that I'd go through the trouble to do it again.

- M

So Much For The Note 4 For Me...

We've been with T-Mobile for several years now, as well as a few years a while back.  We had been happy with them way back then, but at the time they discontinued detailed billing and I needed that for work, so we left for Verizon.  However, we eventually went back and have been happy since.  When we did go back, I went from a BlackBerry on Verizon to a MyTouch 4G and was reasonably happy with my first Android phone.  About 18 months ago our contract was up and T-Mobile was moving away from contracts and doing phones via "payments".  I was initially a bit leery of this, but we went ahead with upgrading anyway.

At the time J, M, and M2, went for a Galaxy Relay as those were keyboard phones and I opted for a Galaxy S3 (this was about a month before the S4 came out); since P is a touch careless with things we opted to give her my old MyTouch 4G.  I had the phone for about six months until I lost it at the airport.  I ended up replacing it with the S4, although I strongly considered the Note 3 as it had just came out and looked really nice.  I thought the S-Pen would be a plus since I had used a stylus on a couple of different Treo's back in the day (one with Palm O/S and one with the Windows version).  However, the Note 3 was brand new and I'm not normally one to grab a brand new device so I went with the S4 since I had been happy with the S3.  I did actually get the S3 back a few weeks later, somebody at Southwest Airlines found it and tracked me down, so J took it and passed her Relay down to P.

Flash forward to about June of this year.  The original 4 phones have been paid off (several months early) leaving just my S4 to pay on, and I thought it would be prudent to start replacing phones.  Since M had been having trouble with hers (self inflicted I believe), I focused on her and M2 since I figured they'd need "matching" phones - them being how they are.  M2 was sort of a d*ck about it so I figured leave him be, but I pushed M and convinced her that she should go with something more mainstream as the Relay was such a niche phone it didn't really see much of any updates like the more popular phones did.  I strongly suggested an S5, a Note 3, or an iPhone 5s.  But she kept dragging her feet.

She finally took a look at things and decided she might like the Note 3 which made sense since she also had a Treo back in the day and loved the stylus.  However, by now it was September and the Note 4 had been announced so we decided we'd wait for that.  J decided she wanted one too, so we figured we'd get M's and then a few months later get J one too.  So M pre-ordered hers and it arrived a couple of days before release day.  However, she wanted an Otterbox - and I couldn't really argue that as I have one for my S4 and it's been great.  Those were released on the release date of the Note 4 but not in the color she wanted so she let the phone sit for nearly two weeks.  Finally I convinced her to order what she could as the holster only comes in black anyway and the slip cover she wanted (pink) was available.  The only real issue was the shell and I told her we could replace that later on if she wanted.

So the case came last week and we moved her to the Note 4.  I helped her get some things setup on it and it seemed to be a really nice phone.  What really got me was how nice the display was, pulling up some movies on Netflix - they looked great and I guess I drooled a bit.  As things were, we normally don't insure the phones, but after the fiasco with my S3 being lost we had put insurance on my S4.  Well somehow instead of just insurance I also ended up enrolled in the "Jump" program and since we were now in October my phone was just over half paid off which means I could "Jump" to something new.  I initially wasn't keen on that as I had intended on eventually passing the S4 down to P when I went to something else; but after toying with M's Note 4 - I really did want one.  I was in a bit of a quandary as I felt bad replacing my phone prior to J, and I know the S6 is expected out around late March or early April and I love my S4.  However, after talking about it, J agreed to wait until the S6 came out and if I wanted that she'd take my Note 4 and if I wanted to keep the Note 4 we'd just get her one at that point.

I wasn't able to get a black one - they were back ordered, but we found a couple of T-Mobile stores with white ones in stock last Thursday so we got me one and I ordered my Otterbox.  I toyed with the phone over the weekend, but by yesterday I was having some second thoughts.  The Otterbox had come by then and the phone is a bit bulky for me and since I normally wear skirts/dresses as much as possible the holster wasn't readily going to do a lot for me.  The Bluetooth is apparently 4.1 and my FitBit One was having issues syncing with it - and I really do use that app more than any other.  The S-Pen worked just fine, but it's been so long since I used a stylus on the Treo's that I really didn't like to use it.  Other little things annoyed me - some as simple as the appearance of the weather widget or the way the settings screen looked (no tabbed interface).  I'm sure I could have learned to deal with all of those issues - other than the FitBit and even that I'm sure will get addressed by an update to the Note 4 or the FitBit; but I just wasn't happy with the phone and that's a problem with what it cost.

I debated returning it since we were within the time frame to do so, but I hated to eat the cost of the Otterbox and I knew J did want one so we settled on keeping my S4 - we hadn't mailed it off to T-Mobile yet and putting me back on that, moving J to the Note 4, and giving the S3 to Paige.  Unfortunately for me we made this decision about a hour after I had factory reset my S4 so I spent lots of time tonight getting it back to how it was before - though I still need to get a few apps such as Touchdown back on there.

I'm assuming J is happy with the Note 4 from the little time she's had with it so far and really I feel better about her having it now as I'm fairly certain I will want the S6 when it comes out and I just don't feel right about using the Note 4 for several months then giving it to her - just seems selfish.  Of course the downside is that I know have to pay off the remainder of the S4, but so be it - and P will end up with it when/if I do upgrade so it's not all that bad a deal, especially since I have a fairly new Otterbox on it (the holster of the other one broke and when they replaced it they replacements for all the pieces - they really went above and beyond).

I'm sure some/many/most people will be happy with the Note 4 - and perhaps if I used my phone for more I would too - especially things were the display would shine such as Netflix or if I thought I'd learn to like the stylus.  But I just don't do all that much on it as I'm almost always in front of a PC (well multiple PC's) and the stylus was alright as a plaything, but I'd rather type than write, so the Note 4 just wasn't for me.  The issue with the Bluetooth and the FitBit was really just the excuse I needed to go ahead and give J the phone now versus later, so I suppose I should actually be grateful for that.

Well it's late and I need to nap before work, so with that I bid you goodnight.

- M

An Up And Down Two Weeks...

I've been a little quieter here the last couple of weeks and I'm planning on rectifying that.  The main reason has been time or lack thereof.  About two weeks ago M was having issues and visited her regular GP and her OBGYN and had several tests done, etc.  I chalked it up to her being her and didn't give it a lot of thought.  I had planned on taking that Thursday/Friday as vacation days as with what I currently have plus what I'll accrue the balance of the year I'd have about 10 days I would have to use or lose.

That Thursday, J and I spent the day driving all over creation as she had to visit several other locations to observe something she was spearheading.  It was about 350 miles of driving all told and between that and the actual time spent at each site we figured it would be a good 12-14 hours so I told her I'd go with her to keep her company.  It was actually a great day, albeit long.  We ended up being gone 15 hours or so as we had figured in "lunch time" - which we actually cut short and more or less ate in the car, but we didn't figure in "dinner time" which we actually stopped for and had a nice dinner.  Here's what I was wearing - unfortunately when we left the house it was too dark for a good picture outside, so J and I stopped off during the day to get this and I was a bit worse for wear by then. :)

Of course that meant I didn't get a picture with her that day and that's a touch of a downer as her outfit was really cute.  As for me, I'm not a big "jeans person", but it was a big chilly that morning so I made the sacrifice.  I do really like the top, I can't recall exactly where I got it (Ross Dress For Less?), and despite the fact that the scarf turned into a "crumb catcher" at dinner - I even got comfortable wearing it all day.  Actually it was sort of a nice test in a way as all told I ended up being out and about for the 15+ hours, plus a good hour before we left and a good hour after we got home - and I still looked reasonably good and even more than that my face still looked pretty good.  The laser really has done quite a bit for me.

As good of a day as that was, Friday took a turn for the worse.  J and I had planned on getting our eyebrows done and then we were going to see a movie and have some lunch out before I had to come home and make dinner.  Well M was still feeling ill and actually ended up in the hospital for surgery to remove her appendix.  It went well and she came home the next day, but she's sore - I can relate - the surgery to remove my gall bladder was a similar procedure.  If she had a less physical job I'm sure she'd be back already - I went to work for a couple of hours the day after my surgery and was back full time a week later - but her job is physical so she'll be home for a few weeks.  I'm sure it's hard for her and truthfully it's starting to get on my nerves a bit.  We've all went out of our way to pick up the slack for her and while she is appreciative of that - she's also sort of let herself become very sedentary.  If she continues to do that for the next couple of weeks, she's going to have it rough when she does go back to work and she just doesn't seem to see it.  I'm not saying she needs to overly exert herself, but a little walking or something would probably do her some good since she's now going on 11 days since the surgery, but I digress.  Unfortunately for her, she, along with M2 and P had taken some vacation next week and were going to take a little roadtrip, and apparently now they aren't for several reasons.  So I'm guessing she'll be having some severe cabin fever over the next couple of weeks. :)

Despite our day being turned upside down due to M's medical issue, J and I have been far better lately.  We just celebrated our 5th anniversary as I mentioned HERE.  I love her more and more each day and I cherish every day with her.  If I have a regret it's that we didn't find each other sooner. :)

With that being said, I did have another downer and that's over insurance and SRS.  As I had mentioned before J's open enrollment was coming up and while I didn't expect them to cover SRS this year (I figured *maybe* next year) - I still held out hope.  And that hope was dashed.  That in and of itself wouldn't have bothered me, but from what I can tell the insurance company they use *will* cover it, so her company chose to exclude it this year and that upset me.  Probably more than it should, but it did.

So because of that I looked into having the surgery without insurance and as I've said before it's probably doable, but a stretch that I wasn't willing to make.  I'm still not sure that I am, but I did start looking into it seriously.  Specifically into a surgeon I had previously dismissed - Dr. Harold Reed in Miami.  I had ruled him out for three reasons:

1. He does his procedure "outpatient" and that scared me a bit as it is serious surgery.
2. Miami seemed like it was too far to drive and if I had to fly I might as well fly to Montreal for Dr. Brassard (as one example).
3. I couldn't find much (current) information from people who had seen him.  Most of what I found was years old and that really concerned me.

Well, as I said I looked into him again and with regards to the three concerns above, I felt I had answers for each:

1. Yes he does do it outpatient, but after having my orchi done outpatient I was a bit more confident about being able to handle that.  Now I know it's a much more involved surgery, but you are there the first night and after that he does visit every day and really I figured I'd just as soon be in a hotel as a hospital those days.  Additionally, it was highly likely I'd be able to return home a few days sooner than most other surgeons which held an appeal.
2. In reality Miami is about 17-18 hours by car which is too far to drive in *one day*.  However, from here Atlanta is almost exactly half way and is about 8-9 hours.  That's about the same drive as we made to Detroit for my Orchi and we enjoyed that drive.  Granted we'd be making that size drive two days in a row - but we also would have the option to spend a "layover" day in Atlanta and do things like visit the Coca-Cola Museum, CNN, etc.  And I do truly dislike the airport "experience" so being able to make the drive would be nice.
3. I did actually find some more current experiences of his and they were all positive.  Now there are negative comments about him floating around, but the same can be said of other surgeons such as Dr. Bowers, and even some of the surgeons in Thailand.  Others may disagree, but I felt comfortable enough with what I had learned to trust him to do my surgery.

Now I haven't touched on cost, but he is cheaper that most North American surgeons - partially (mostly?) I'm assuming because he doesn't do the surgery in a hospital.  I won't lie, that was *a factor* - not *the factor* as this is a life altering procedure, but definitely a factor and the expense including our travel, etc., would be doable now.  Still a bit of a stretch, but I felt we could handle it, so with that said I contacted him and he was very gracious in answering some initial questions I had.

However, the first question was the deal breaker and that had to do with my weight/BMI.  He would want me to be at 175lbs which is actually a stricter requirement than even Dr. McGinn - she wants a <28 BMI which for me is about 180lbs.  Had if he had said something along the lines of what Dr. Bowers wants (210lbs) I probably would have scheduled something on the spot.  However, if I have to meet that weight requirement - well then I feel I might as well pursue Dr. McGinn as she's a bit closer and was one of my preferred choices anyway.  By no means am I disparaging Dr. Reed over this - I understand his rationale - I just feel that if I'm going to have to spend the time to lose another 30-40lbs I might as well go with somebody who was among my first choices.  And truthfully I guess that reality was that it was a long shot to do something too soon anyway as I haven't started having my hair cleared in that area yet - I have my next laser appointment in a couple of weeks and she's going to do my face and back of neck as she's been doing and possibly start down there - provided it's healed well enough from the orchi (I'm fairly certain it has).  I'm sure that will take several sessions and probably some follow up electrolysis to get cleared.  I know it's not technically a requirement for many surgeons, but considering how much body hair I do have, I'd rather be proactive about it and not have to hope that they can get it all during surgery.  So I've rambled on enough about this, lets move on to one more positive so I can wrap this up.

As I've already touched on our 5th anniversary, I'll take about Sampson - I wrote about him HERE.  What prompted me to write about him then was that he had been recently diagnosed with early stage renal failure and he's having been having more and more trouble getting around.  As it turned out, Emily actually passed shortly after I wrote about all the cats - at the time I figured it was 50/50 as to if it would be him or her.  Well Sampson had a vet visit the other day and all things considered the vet says he's doing fairly well.  That doesn't change the fact that he will eventually succumb to the renal failure (or something else), but for now he's got a reasonably good outlook and while some might not find that a positive - I do.  If you had asked me back in July when I wrote about the cats I would have said that I wasn't sure if Sampson would be here with us in November - and not only is he in fact here with us, he's actually doing pretty well.  For that I'm quite grateful.

One more positive - J just finished her rotation last night and has her two days off.  Unfortunately I have to work, but I'm sure we'll have some nice quality time together which I'm looking forward to.  As I turn around and see her sleeping I can only think about how beautiful and wonderful she is and how much she means to me and those thoughts are what I will go to sleep to in a couple of minutes.  I love you sweetie - and you too Sampson (he's lying in "his" desk chair next to me as I type this).

- M

Happy 5th Anniversary

Actually my anniversary with J was yesterday; but I didn't get a chance to write this until now and it's after midnight.  J and I have actually been together going on 9 years; but it took us a while to get married.  In fact, we might not have gotten around to getting married when we did if not for an unfortunate situation that was going on - but that's really beside the point.  While our marriage was pushed up because of that situation - it was actually long over due.  We had talked about doing something special like going somewhere to get married or even up in a hot air balloon, but as it was - it was a small private ceremony with her parents, M/M2/P, and us along with the person who performed the marriage.  While I hate to do it since it's a "pre-Madison" picture - here's one from our wedding day.  And *yes* I know the date says 10/25/09, but somebody (probably me) had set the camera date incorrectly. :)

Looking back over the last five years there have been plenty of ups and downs, and lots of changes - both good and bad; but one thing has never changed.  And that is how much we love each other.  Well perhaps even that is not true.  I honestly believe that I love J more now than I did then.  It's not that I didn't love her then - or even prior to that - but it's different now.  Has my transition played a part in that?  I'm sure it has, but it's more than that.  Before I loved J and was glad that I was with her; but now I not only love J, but now I realize that I *need* her.  I know the line is a huge cliche - but she really does "complete me".

The fact that she loves me as much now - if not more - as Madison than she ever did as the "old me" - well that is just one more in a long line of reasons that I know I've been blessed to have such a special woman in my life.  That's not to say we don't have issues from time to time - we do; but as I've mentioned before I really have a hard time believing that any relationship doesn't have issues from time to time.  And again as I've said before I think how you deal with those issues that defines not only who you are, but what your relationship will be.  This is where I think my transition has had the most effect on things.

I've said it before and I'll repeat it now - I'm like a "shooting star" when it comes to getting angry.  I get very mad for a very short time and then it's all gone.  That's hard for a person like J to deal with as she doesn't get angry hardly at all and she often has issues dealing with me when I'm angry.  As I've transitioned, I can't say I don't still have my moments, but I really do believe they are far fewer than they were before and I think they "burn out" far quicker than they did before.  While I wish those moments were completely gone - and I'm working diligently on that - I can honestly say that I'm learning to let things go now that would've caused a fight in years past.  I firmly attribute this bit of progress to my transition.

But this isn't about issues - this is about all the wonderful times we have had and continue to have.  I can honestly say that every year we've been together has been better than the prior years and I firmly believe that this will continue to be the case and nothing in this world makes me happier than thinking about that.  I'm sure she'll read this - so to you J - let me just say how much the last five years (and those years prior to our marriage) mean to me and how much I look forward to every day we will have together going forward.  You mean the world to me and I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone.  Happy Anniversary sweetheart. <3

- M

Review: Taco Bell Breakfast

I actually started to write this review a few months ago when Taco Bell first rolled out breakfast in our area and for some reason never did.  However, this past Saturday I happened to be up early (that's another story) and decided to take my daughter P to get some breakfast.  P being who she is really wanted chicken so I took her to White Castle to get some chicken rings, but I wanted breakfast.  I had been seeing quite a few Taco Bell commercials recently and decided to give their breakfast another shot.

Now the first visit a few months ago, M had brought me a couple of things home, specifically the Sausage Flatbread Melt, and a Sausage Waffle Taco.  The melt was pretty good, albeit a touch on the smallish side.  However, the Waffle Taco was a bit of a disappointment.  Perhaps my expectations were too high, but the waffle was on the soggy side and it also was smaller than I expected.  Now as to the soggy part, yes it was brought home to me, but we also only live about 1.5 miles from Taco Bell so it's only a couple of minutes home.  As far as the size of both, I suppose it's typical advertising as the finished products - especially in the restaurant industry - never seem to match up with is shown on television.  I'm not saying either was "bad", they just weren't good enough for me to try them - or really any other breakfast items from there again.  At least until now.

This time I chose to sample the Steak and Egg Cheesy Burrito, and the Steak A.M. Crunchwrap.  Unfortunately, by the time I decided to picture(s), I had already eaten the burrito and actually had taken two bites of the crunchwrap as well.  That being said, here's what's left of the crunchwrap.

Since that's what I have a picture of, lets start there.  Per Taco Bell's website this is how they describe it:

"Fluffy scrambled eggs, a golden crispy hash brown, real cheddar cheese, marinated premium thick cut steak and creamy jalapeno sauce wrapped up in a warm flour tortilla and grilled, so it's good to go."

As to what I thought of it - well I'm not sure the picture does it justice, but it's again on the smallish side.  I've had a few Crunchwrap Supreme's in my time and normally they are big enough that the tortilla doesn't quite close on the folded side and this not only did close there was a fair amount of overlap - more than I felt the picture on their website shows.  The hash brown was a touch on the soggy side, not horribly so, but considering I was probably eating this within five minutes of leaving Taco Bell I would have expected it to not be as soggy as it was.  Beyond that, everything was as it should be and actually it tasted pretty good.  I don't think there was nearly as "stuffed" as the photo on their website - but as I said above that's a fairly common complaint with most every restaurant.  

Now to the burrito.  Again per Taco Bell's website:

"Fluffy scrambled eggs, lots of warm, melted cheddar cheese, marinated, premium thick cut steak, and creamy jalapeno sauce all wrapped up in a warm flour tortilla.  Also available in Fresco Style."

Frankly, I was more impressed with the burrito than the crunchwrap.  From a size perspective, it was about what I expected and resembled the website photo.  The contents were evenly distributed and truthfully it was one of the better things I've had at Taco Bell during any day part.  I'm not sure if it was good enough that I'd make a special trip to Taco Bell to get it, but it was good enough that if I were to be going there for breakfast it would be one of the items I'd lean towards ordering.

Some final thoughts.  The total for these two items was nearly $6 with tax - $2.99 for the crunchwrap and $2.49 for the burrito.  While it's a little more than I'd normally spend on a fast food breakfast, I also would note that the pricing is in line with Taco Bell's lunch/dinner items containing steak.  I could have opted for either a sausage or bacon crunchwrap and the burrito also comes in bacon (and maybe sausage too) - and those options would have been at least somewhat cheaper.  As such I'm by no means saying their pricing is "out of line" with other fast food restaurants - I'm simply not much of a breakfast person and normally if I were out at that time of the morning I'd probably just grab a cheap sausage biscuit from somewhere.  

The food itself was good (the burrito being the better of the two), but not great; although that's a typical fast food issue, but the calorie count was incredibly high.  I believe it was about 650 calories for the crunchwrap and around 450 for the burrito which turned that into 1100 calories which is at/over half of my limit for the day.  Now the burrito is available "Fresco Style" which would reduce the calorie count from 450 to 320, which is more palatable - albeit probably not as tasty either.  

So to summarize these items have changed my mind a bit on Taco Bell's breakfast offerings, but not enough to decide to just up and go there for breakfast.  It's more along the lines of - if I was out and wanted something quick to eat I would consider visiting there.  I would definitely have to just grab *one item* and not two as I did here and it would likely be the burrito as it was the better of the two items and the calorie count is much more in line with what I can/should consume for breakfast.

- M

One Nasty Comment....

I wrote a couple of entries over the weekend - which I've since removed.  I wrote them for a couple of reasons, one because I was a bit frustrated over how this past Friday/Saturday went for J and I, and a second because as I said in the first entry - I do tend to try and be very "positive" here when I'm writing about personal things and I think it's important to show that it's not always positive.  Perhaps there are people out there who have never had a disagreement with their spouse/SO/etc - but I've yet to meet one.  I'm not saying I like to have disagreements with anyone, but I do firmly believe that it is inevitable that they will occur.  I also firmly believe that how those disagreements are handled really and truly define a person and by extension the relationship in question.

So why did I remove the posts in question?  Well, partially because despite them being posted on two separate days, they were written "back to back" - it just happened that one went up right before midnight and one right after.  Not that it matters that they were written back to back, but what does matter is that I wrote them when I was still a touch upset over things instead of waiting.  I do try and normally hold off on writing things so I can have a less emotional perspective before I share my thoughts and in this case I chose not to do that.  Once I did go to bed that night (well morning) and get some sleep I did decide that I would at a minimum go back and edit the posts with more of an objective viewpoint, if not flat out delete them.  However, before I was able to get to doing that, a comment was posted on one of them that upset me more than a bit and that's the impetus for this post.

The comment made a negative reference to the state of my marriage to J.  I was frustrated when I wrote those two posts and I'm certain it showed as it wasn't a great couple of days for us.  However, I would really like to think that anybody who has read much of anything in this blog would know how much J and I do love each other and how much we mean to each other.  Since the comment in question was made by someone that I really don't know, but rather only an acquaintance from Google+ - then perhaps they had not read anything prior to those posts and as such perhaps the comment wasn't intended to be mean/hateful (which is how it came across).  However, in that case I would like to think that before making the comment that was made that the person in question might have taken a few minutes to read some other entries to get some context on things first.  On the other hand, if they had read much else here then I can only believe that the intent of the comment was to be mean/hateful and that really does bother me.

If it would have been from someone from say Facebook - well the friends I have there are honestly almost entirely people that I (or at least J) knows personally.  I strongly doubt any of them would have made the comment as they do know one/both of us; but even if they had - well at least I would have known for sure it wasn't made with malice.  In this case - well I'm not so sure.  That bothered me as the people I'm acquainted with on Google+ are only people that would know me as "Madison" and as a trans-woman and in general those people are normally very understanding and supportive of not just me, but also each other.  And I definitely didn't find the comment supportive in the least.

Now this is probably strange to say considering the content of this entry so far; but while the comment did bother me a bit - it really didn't have much of an affect on me.  I was at a minimum going to modify the posts regardless and I was considering deleting them anyway.  However, it did get me to thinking about other people who have taken down blogs, ceased being active on places such as Reddit or Google+, or in some cases simply went completely stealth.

I cannot being to speak to the reason(s) why any specific person might do those things, and there are a lot of possible reasons.  Among the ones that come to mind as things such as:

• Experiences becoming less relevant.  I've detailed things here such as my Orchiectomy, but as time goes by that will become less relevant as Dr. Arnkoff will retire at some point so what was specific to him will no longer be relevant.  Medical procedures evolve over time, and so on.
• Some people may simply feel that they "no longer have a dog in the fight".  To an extent I feel this way about a lot of things.  My birth certificate has been changed to show me as being Madison and being "Female", which means that I no longer pay as much attention to the laws surrounding doing something like that.  Other common topics such as HRT, shopping, and so on - well it's the same thing.  Those are "normal things" for me by now and as time moves on it's harder to think back to how new (and in some cases even "scary") those things were when I first started.  I imagine that once I have SRS, I'll reach a point where I'll feel the same about that as well.  Even with those things being said, I do still try and be active here and elsewhere; but I can also see how it would be easy to cease doing so.
• As a corollary to the above, some people may simply want to not think about how things were "pre-transition".  I don't personally feel that way, but I can definitely understand how some people would simply prefer to forget about or not discuss things pre/during-transition.

However, the comment I referred to above brought another reason to the top of my mind.  Be it via a blog such as this one (or a better one <G>), via places such as Reddit or other web forums, or even social media such as Facebook or Google+ - people are choosing to share things.  Some more than others and some get more personal than others - maybe even more than they should (probably including me).  In doing so, it means opening up for criticism at times and negative comments at times, but it still doesn't mean that I - or anyone else who does open up - likes those.  

I'm not saying that people have to be all "rainbows and unicorns" when it comes to comments,etc., but when someone does go out of their way to be mean/hateful/etc., all that does is encourage people to quit sharing and I firmly believe that this happens far too much.  I'm all for differences of opinion(s), but it just boggles my mind that some people cannot express a difference in opinion or viewpoint in a civilized manner.  Even as open as I am, when I see some of the things that are said to not only myself, but even more to others, it makes me question why I am open and why I do share things.  In my case I usually let them roll off my back - as I've mostly done here (despite the diatribe I've written), but a lot of others may not see it my way and who wins when they "take their ball and go home"?  I share partially because it's a good outlet for me, but mostly because others have shared before me and it's made what I (and J) have undertaken a far less scary proposition and I truly believe a far easier journey that it would have been otherwise.

Ultimately the people who read this probably are not the people that I'm talking about and I suppose that's a shame, although I suspect most of those people probably wouldn't take any heed of it anyway.  But in this case it's made *me* feel better to vent *my* thoughts on it and as such it's been worth the time to do so.  So with that I'll wrap things up for now.

- M